Tentacle-Vision (1.1)

Patrick: [laughing] My shorts are wet!

Squidward: Patrick, just how dumb are you?

Patrick: It varies.

I ♥ Dancing (1.2)

Squidward: [upon seeing SpongeBob dancing] That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen.

SpongeBob: [to Squidward] Who put you on the planet?

Twin Sisters: [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly!

Talent Agent: That was very cute, girls! [then annoyed] In fact, it's too cute. You're out.

Twin Sisters: I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too!

Growth Spout (2.1)

Cracker: What am I, chopped liver?

Offscreen voice: No, that's what I am. [zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]

Mrs. Puff: [in her sleep] Must...protect garden.

Squidward's house: Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway.

Stuck in the Wringer (2.2)

Patrick: Hey, pal, want some of my cotton candy? They gave it to me when I won the dart tournament. I got this, too! [shows off his ribbon pin] Check it out!

SpongeBob: That's nice, Patrick, but I don't want any cotton candy.

Patrick: Well, have some. It'll make you feel better.

SpongeBob: [annoyed] I said I don't want any! [turns and knocks it onto the ground]

Patrick: You ruined my cotton candy!

SpongeBob: Good! Maybe now you know how I feel about you ruining my life!

Ball Toss Vendor: Check it out! Public fight!

Other Vendor: Working at the carnival sure has its perks! [crowd gathers around SpongeBob and Patrick]

SpongeBob: I have never felt so ashamed.

Patrick: What do you mean?

SpongeBob: If it wasn't for your Forever Glue, I wouldn't be stuck in this thing!

Patrick: I was only trying to help.

SpongeBob: [shouts] Help?! I think you've helped quite enough today! [This is the exact same thing Mr. Krabs said earlier]

Patrick: [feeling hurt] Okay, if that's the way you feel... then I guess I won't help you anymore! [Patrick runs off crying, the crowd turns angrily at SpongeBob.]

SpongeBob: Heh, heh, a lot of drama with that one.

Sandals: You know, kid, your body isn't the problem. It's your heart. [inside SpongeBob's body, his heart starts to groan sadly] You deserve what you've gotten. Come on, we're out of here. [the angry crowd leaves, listening to what the humanized fish says] Some people are just born mean. [SpongeBob frowns in shame, realizing that had hurt Patrick feelings]

Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (3.1)

The Inside Job (3.2)

[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]

Plankton: Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm.

Mr. Krabs: The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is--

Plankton: Jackpot!

Spongebob: Huh?

Mr, Krabs: I said--

SpongeBob: Could you speak a little louder, please?

Mr. Krabs: The secret to the Krabby Patty formula--

SpongeBob: What?

Mr. Krabs: Hold on.

Plankton: Here it comes!

Mr. Krabs: [shouting into a megaphone] THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...! [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]

Plankton: OW!!! I hate my life!

Plankton: Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...[he arrives at...] The brain!

[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]

Plankton: Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw "Superficial Greetings" on the brain] "Superficial Greetings"? What kind of idiot...? [sees the parts of the brain] --"Personal Opinions"? "Knock-knock Jokes"?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless!

Greasy Buffoons (4.1)

Mr. Krabs/Plankton: Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector?

Health inspector: Did somebody call a... Health inspector?

Model Sponge (4.2)

Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (5.1)

A Pal for Gary (5.2)

[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary]

SpongeBob: I'll take that one right there!

Store Owner: You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh?

SpongeBob: Oh yeah this is the one. [picks one of them]

Store Owner: Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet!

SpongeBob: Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy!

Store Owner: You must understand. These pets can be very unstable. especially around other pets!

[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]

SpongeBob: [obliviously] Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. [he runs off]

Store Owner: Why bother? They never listen.

Spongebob: Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with.

[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]

Spongebob: Gary! Shame on you! [takes Gary back in the living room] Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. [he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy] See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. [goes back to bed]

[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]

Spongebob: Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? [opens the galley door which falls over] That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! [gasps] And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! [gasps] My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... [mistakenly realizes something] ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend!

Yours, Mine and Mine (6.1)

Patrick: Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep...

SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy!

Patrick: I can't go out! I just washed my hair!

SpongeBob: You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!!

Patrick: Got any ID?

SpongeBob: I have my milkshake dispenser operator license.

Patrick: [looks at it] Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now!

SpongeBob: Well, I guess I had best be going! [Pretends to walk away] I'm walking away...Here I go... [quietly] I'm gone now! [hides on Patrick's antenna]

Patrick: You sure?

SpongeBob: I'm sure! [Patrick comes out, he jumps at him] Hi, Patrick! Time to SHARE!

Patrick: DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!!

SpongeBob: Oh, and you were washing your hair!?!

Patrick: I was too, See? [shows his armpit hair]

SpongeBob: [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer!

Patrick: Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!!

Gary: Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house]

SpongeBob: Hand it over, Patrick! I get to play with the Patty Pal today!

Patrick: You can't take it, It's not fair!

SpongeBob: How about I take it for half a day?

Patrick: Mm-mm!

SpongeBob: How about we trade off every hour?

Patrick: Mm-mm!

SpongeBob: Every half hour?

Patrick: Mm-mm!

SpongeBob: Every fifteen minutes?

Patrick: Mm-mm!

SpongeBob: Five minutes?

Patrick: Mm-mm!

SpongeBob: One minute?

Patrick: N-n-no!

SpongeBob: Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every second!

[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]

Patrick: One.

SpongeBob: One.

Patrick: One.

[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]

Kracked Krabs (6.2)

Mr. Krabs:: Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money!

SpongeBob:: [lending money to another crab] 25, 26...

The Curse of Bikini Bottom (7.1)

Squidward in Clarinetland (7.2)

Squidward: Order up, SpongeBob!

[walk towards SpongeBob]

Squidward: SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff!

SpongeBob: I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now?

Squidward: Velvet..

SpongeBob: Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please!

Squidward: Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge-

[bumps into an eagle head]

Eagle: I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here.

Squidward: uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet.

Eagle: Your clarinet?

Squidward:: Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner.

[Eagle laughs]

Eagle: A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here?

Squidward: You calling me a liar?!

[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]

Eagle: I don't appreciate your tone.

Squidward: I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you.

Eagle: This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect.

Squidward: [Eagle squeezed squidward tightly] I've learned.. [loosely] I've learned respect...

Eagle: I don't believe you.

[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]

Back to the Past (IX.I)

Mermaid Men:

#2: [running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick] Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce!

#1: Imposters!

#2: Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... [pans to Patrick] ...That fool!

#1: If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first!

#2: I’m gonna make you eat those words!

#1: Bring It! [gets "slapped"] Take this! ["punches" himself's hair] I’ll never let you win!

#2: Oh, yes I will!

Young: What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy?

Young Barnacle Boy: Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I...

The Bad Guy Club for Villains (IX.II)

A Day Without Tears (10.1)

SpongeBob: He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window]

Squidward: SpongeBob, will you stop crying?!

SpongeBob: But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he...

Squidward: Krabby Patty nothing!

SpongeBob: I--

Squidward: [shouting] KRABBY PATTY NOTHING!!!! [breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers] What now?

SpongeBob: [stifled] You yelled at me... [wailing] YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!! [continues sobbing]

Squidward: All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times.

SpongeBob: And you wrote that number on a chalkboard.

Squidward: Yes!

SpongeBob: Why?

Squidward: [pauses for a second] I have no idea.

SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain.

Squidward: Au contraire. [turns on a TV]

SpongeBob: What's this?

Squidward: It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years.

[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]

SpongeBob: [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper.

Narrator: Thousands of tears later...

[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]

SpongeBob: Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore.

Squidward: Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying.

SpongeBob: [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings]

Patrick: [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking.

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.

Patrick: Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already?

SpongeBob: No, I'm still at work.

Patrick: How can I help you?

SpongeBob: Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying?

Patrick: [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can.

SpongeBob: Okay, great, thanks, Patrick.

Patrick: Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you?

SpongeBob: Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is.

Patrick: Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there.

SpongeBob: [chuckles] Okay.

Patrick: Yeah, talk to you later.

SpongeBob: All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet.

Squidward: [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year.

SpongeBob: Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter?

Squidward: Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes.

Summer Job (10.2)

One Coarse Meal (11.1)

Gary In Love (11.2)

The Play's the Thing (12.1)

SpongeBob: Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption!

Squidward: Here, enjoy!

SpongeBob: [tries not to cry] Bless you all.

Patrick: I like throwing food. [chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: OW!!

All: FOOD FIGHT!!!!

Squidward: AAAAAHH!!!

Patrick: Haw haw! Ah haw haw! [hurls an anchor]

Rodeo Daze (12.2)

Gramma's Secret Recipe (13.1)

The Cent of Money (13.2)

Episode 14

Episode 15

Episode 16

That Sinking Feeling (18.1)

Patrick: Knock, knock!

SpongeBob: Who's there?

Patrick: I don't know! [laughs]

Squidward: Why were you digging under my yard?

SpongeBob: You told us not to walk on your yard, so, we walked under it.

Squidward: But you buried my house!

Patrick: No need to thank us.

Squidward: THANK YOU?!?

Patrick: You're welcome.

Karate Star (18.2)

Buried in Time (19.1)

Enchanted Tiki Dreams (19.2)

The Abrasive Side (20.1)

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, SpongeBob! I need you to work an extra 17 hour shift tonight!

SpongeBob: Oh, sure thing Mr.-- [flips to Abrasive SB]

Abrasive SpongeBob: Sorry, Krabs! I'm busy! Unless you're payin' me overtime! [leaves]

Mr. Krabs: Overtime? O... o... o-ver-time...? [He gets out a dictionary] Overtime? Hm, let's see here... "over"... "oversold"... "overspend"... Ah! "Overtime: More money per hour". [mutters for a moment] AHHHH!!! [hides behind desk] Oh, filthy, disgusting word!

Squidward: Oh fun. I suppose you want me to play some stupid game, or you'll just follow me around all day and never ever leave, huh?

[He sprays SpongeBob with his hose; SpongeBob flips to Abrasive SB]

Squideard: Tch, huh.

[Abrasive SB snaps his fingers repeatedly]

Abrasive SpongeBob: 'Fraid not, Schnozward! I wouldn't hang out with you for all the money in Krabs' mattress!

Squidward: [hugs him] You don't know how long I've waited to hear those words!

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! You're right on time for our play date!

SpongeBob: Ooh, I can't wait... [flips to Abrasive SB]

Abrasive SpongeBob: ...to ditch you... [flips to Normal SB]

SpongeBob: ...cause you're my best friend... [flips to Abrasive SB]

Abrasive SpongeBob: ...so beat it, tubby! I don't care for your company! [flips to Normal SB]

SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, are you ready to have some fun?

Patrick: I don't know...! [sobs]

Earworm (20.2)

Hide and Then What Happens? (21.1)

Shellback Shenanigans (21.2)

The Masterpiece (22.1)

Whelk Attack (22.2)

You Don't Know Sponge (23.1)

Tunnel of Glove (23.2)

Pearl: Ugh, this ride is lame! Hey! You're allowed to speak now!

SpongeBob: [rapid fire] I bet Mr. Krabs would get a kick out of this ride, don't you think? I mean he's so tough on the outside, but he's got a soft side, too. You know, this one time I was upset because my snail Gary he was sick and he let me leave 5 minutes early. Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever heard? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

Narrator: Two very boring minutes later...

SpongeBob: And theeeen, there was that time that Mr. Krabs yelled at me for getting to work before he did, and he didn't even dock my pay! What a sweet man!!!

Patrick: Let's see. Where could SpongeBob be? [Notices door sign] Aha! [Reads dumbly when it says Danger! Keep Out! High voltage area] Con-grat-ulations! You have-uh-ooh-fouuunnd-uh your friend! [Now excited] Oh, SpongeBob is right behind this door! I'm coming to get you, buddy! [Runs away, then comes back using his head as a battering ram. Once inside, he then looks around] SpongeBob?! Where-? Oh, there you are! [Camera zooms in on a control that looks like SpongeBob. Patrick runs to it and grabs it] Hang in there buddy! I'll free you from your shackles! [He then pulls it off, and bursts through the left wall] You're okay now, buddy! Go to your happy place!

Patrick: Not another skunk! How did you beat me again? [Turns to an electrician] Hey, you. You find it funny to lock up my friend? Hey, I am talking towards you.

Electrician: Did you see the dimwit who ripped this apart?

Patrick: I unfortunately have no idea who that dullard is. I do know that you kidnapped SpongeBob.

Electrician: I don't know about your friend. I'm just the electrician.

Patrick: Wow, I see you are a magician. But that voodoo does not erase what you've done.

Electrician: You need to relax. Have a seat and cool off.

Patrick: Geez. Some people are so pushy. [Sits on the lever]

Electrician: Just don't sit on THE LEVER!

Patrick:[Breaks the lever]

Electrician: Now the ride is stuck on "Dangerous Super Fast Mode"!

Patrick: You told me to sit on it.

Patrick: Okay, okay. I think I heard you. I will not sit on anything else. I'll just gingerly lean on this wall. [Leans on a do not push button, which reads "Animatronic Override"] Huh?

Electrician: NO!

Electrician: Gah, stupid kid!

Patrick: [walks out of the water pressure control system with toilet paper and a newspaper in his hand] Hey-ya! Nice facilities. Great water pressure. [The toilet paper flies back]

Electrician: Neptune's mother! [realizing that there is extreme water pressure]

Krusty Dogs (24.1)

The Wreck of the Mauna Loa (24.2)

Patrick: What's wrong, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Just as I thought. We're being followed. THAT'S IT! [opens seaweed, no one's there] Heh, looks like no one was following us to the secret hideout after all!

Mr. Krabs: Found it!

SpongeBob: Hey, were you following us?

Mr. Krabs: No, I just saw the sign. [Scene zooms out Patrick painting a sign reading "SpongeBob and Patrick's Secret Hideout"]

New Fish in Town (25.1)

Love That Squid (25.2)

SpongeBob: When was the last time you went out on a date?

[Squidward remembers the last date he had was with a female octopus, dancing in 1930's Mickey Mouse style]

Squidward: SpongeBob, you've gotta help me! It's been so long! What do I do?!

Big Sister Sam (26.1)

Sam: MORE SPIFFY!

Squidward: But that's from... [looks at his somewhat horribly dismantled house] MY HOUSE! That's it! I've had my fill of this thieving brute!

Patrick: Aww, Sam. You don't have to go.

Sam: No. I leave now. Late for manicure.

Perfect Chemistry (26.2)