The Original Fry Cook (2.1)

Squidward: [to Jim] Good ol' Jim! When you worked here, the place had class.

Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing in there?

SpongeBob: [comes out of the bathroom in tears] Crying my eyes out...!

Squidward: Well, hurry up! I gotta cry, too!

SpongeBob: Why, Squidward?

Squidward: Because when Jim leaves, I'll be stuck with you again!

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. Jim won't be leaving. He's taking my job. I'm the one who's leaving! [resumes crying]

Squidward: Really? [excited] Yes! Ha, cha-cha! Ha, cha-cha! Ha, cha-cha! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hee, hee, Ha! Ha!

Night Light (II.II)

Debbie: [sighs] If I answer 'yes', will you leave the store?

Mermaidman: Oh, fiddlesticks SpongeBob, do you know how hard it is... in our advanced age... to move? Don't shine a giant light in the sky unless there's a real emergency.

Rise and Shine (3.1)

Patrick: I've got to put on my teeth and brush my pants!

Waiting (3.2)

Sandy: Hiya! Hey, SpongeBob, want to do some karaaaaaa...!? [SpongeBob grabs her arm and flips her on her back]

SpongeBob: Not now, I'm busy. [Sandy, looking pretty upset, brushes herself off and walks away. SpongeBob checks the mailbox again. Gary pushes his bowl by SpongeBob's foot] Oh, Gary, not now. Can't you see that I'm waiting for the mailman?! Doesn't anyone understand this?!? [checks the mailbox again then pants as Gary takes his bowl away] So tired. [stomach growls] So hungry. [tries to perk up] But... must wait... for toy.

Patrick: Hey, buddy.

SpongeBob: [screaming hysterically] What?! What do you want?! Can't you see I'm doing something here?! [pokes Patrick in the head and checks mailbox] This better be good. [angry]

Patrick: You missed your surprise birthday party, so I just wanted to bring you a present and some cake because you missed it.

SpongeBob: [sadly, beginning to choke up] My birthday party? [tears up] I missed... my... birthday party?

Patrick: Yeah, see? [shows present and cake] Here's a present and your cake.

SpongeBob: My birthday cake.

Patrick: Yeah. Let me just get you a fork so you can eat it. [SpongeBob giggles] Uh, let me just hold the cake like this... [holds the piece of cake between his teeth] ...So I can get you a fork. [digs in pocket] Huh, I wonder where I put that fork. [notices he ate the cake] Oops.

SpongeBob: [disappointed] That was my cake. [sniffs back tears] What is the present?

Patrick: Oh, yeah. [SpongeBob begins to cheer up a little as Patrick pulls out a present box and opens it; the two peer inside] The fork!

[SpongeBob's smile distorts and he breaks down crying]

SpongeBob: [drops to his knees] That stupid toy! I wasted my whole life waiting for it!

Patrick: Actually, you've only been here 20 minutes.

SpongeBob: I've been mean to Gary and I flipped Sandy! And now you hate me cause... I'm a big jerk! [cries]

SpongeBob: Look, Patrick, Squidward fixed it. [both run over and hug Squidward] How can we ever thank you?

Patrick: Yeah, how can we thank you? [giggles]

Squidward: Move to another neighborhood.

Fungus Among Us (3.3)

Squidward: No! No, I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab! [everybody growls and screams]

Unknown Fish: Let us apprehend that careless contaminator! [All the fish attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out]

Gary: Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]

SpongeBob: [crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] NOOOOOOO!!! [All the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Fungus all over the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs starts laughing]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!

Squidward: It's not me, Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob: Gary B. Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission? [We see Gary clean the Ick off of Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs: He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured and he'll clean the Ick off any surface... even Squid! [Gary sucks the fungi off Squidward, next]

Nat Peterson: Whoa! Me next!

Martha Smith: Where are your manners? It's ladies first!

Patrick: I believe the expression is starfish first.

Unknown Fish: I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.

Mr. Krabs: Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [Later…] Step up to be de-Icked! Only $5! [The first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him]

Mr. Krabs: Now can I get you a Krabby Patty? [The guy whacks him with his glove]

Unknown Fish: In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take 2, please.

Mr. Krabs: Alright! [SpongeBob is next. He hands Krabs the money]

SpongeBob: Here you go, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Another $5 for another de-Icking. [Gary cleans SpongeBob off]

SpongeBob: Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!

Mr. Krabs: Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work! [Gary burps loudly then he realizes is full, and then smiles]

Spy Buddies (4.1)

Patrick: This looks like a job for Patrick Star Laser Pants! [shoots a laser out of his behind farting and cuts out a square on the roof]

Patrick: SpongeBob, I've got to go.

SpongeBob: Can't you go later?

Patrick: [groans] My laser pants aren't working right. [shoots a laser farting at the salt shaker on the other table. It vanishes. Patrick sighs]

Plankton: Could I interest you in a raspberry iced tea?

Patrick: No, thank you.

Plankton: ...Or perhaps a bran muffin?

Patrick: SpongeBob, I have to go now!

Plankton: Prune Danish? [sees Patrick's behind wiggle] What the...? [pan out to the Chum Bucket building where Patrick's laser pants makes holes everywhere as they all scream and destroys the Chum Bucket. Later, the floor opens up and a blimp emerges with Plankton controlling it from the inside] Destroy my lab, will ya, Krabs? Well, if it's war you want, it's war you'll get! [flies his blimp over to the Krusty Krab. The inside of the Krusty Krab gets darker]

SpongeBob: Good one, Patrick! [both laugh] There's just one thing I don't understand.

Mr. Krabs: What's that, laddie?

SpongeBob: That. [points to 2 Patricks laughing beside each other. Goes to black, ending the episode.]

Boat Smarts (4.2)

SpongeBob: Ah, perfect. [moves from behind Squidward in the road and drives in front of him]

Squidward: Hey, use your mirrors, fool!

SpongeBob: Mirrors? Oh, that reminds me. I haven't adjusted this one yet. [adjusts it to where the light in the reflection blinds Squidward]

Squidward: Ah! I can't see! D'oh! [puts on sunglasses and laughs] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! [He sees a brick wall and crashes then turns into a live action of a crash test dummy] Ow.

Fish: [all screaming and talking at once] I can't feel my hair. My leg!

Good Ol' Whatshisname (4.3)

Squidward: [crazily] His driver's license! [starts laughing] At last! At last and your name is...! [sees his driver's license revealing his original name] ..."Mr. What Zit Tooya"? What kind of ridiculous name is that?

Mr. What Zit Tooya: It's my ridiculous name! "WHAT ZIT TOOYA"!?.

Police Cop Fish: [hits Squidward on the head with his baton as he falls down] That's enough of that ballyhoo. [handcuffs Squidward]

Squidward: But-but-but, I-I-I didn't intentionally do anything wrong.

Police Cop Fish: Tell it to the judge, lawbreaker. [puts Squidward in the police car as the siren blares and it takes off]

New Digs (5.1)

SpongeBob: [getting ready to bed while Gary slivers across the screen, apathetic about SpongeBob's enthusiasm] Gotta hurry Gary! The sooner I get to bed, the sooner I'll get to sleep and the sooner I get to sleep, the sooner I'll wake up [excited] ooh ho-ho! the sooner I can go to work at the best job in the whole world! The Krusty Krab! Now to put on these sleepy time blinders before I run excitedly to bed. [SpongeBob puts the blinders on and dashes off-screen, only to hit a chest as Gary continues to head for his spot for bed. SpongeBob zips on-screen (no longer wearing the night blinders) and goes into the covers, then appears on-screen in bed while Gary has finally reached his bedding] Well good night, Gary.

Gary: [as if to say "Goodnight"] Meow.

SpongeBob: I'll just turn off the light, [doing so] clickety poo! And close my eyes and go to sleep. [Gary is now fast asleep, snoring] Just close my eyes and go to sleep... [tries to close them] [struggling tone] Just-close-my- [SpongeBob's eyelids spring open] Maybe, if I run around, it'll tire me out. [SpongeBob gets out of bed and starts running around the bed and onto the walls while Gary, having been woken up, watches. He bounces off one of the walls and jumps up and down repeatedly on his bed until the legs of the frame break, causing the bed to fall to the floor, SpongeBob stops bouncing and his duvet cover lands on him] [in dismay and grabbing his eyelids] AHH! I just gotta get some sleep!! [falls out of bed and lands on his head] There's only one thing for this. [cuts to later where SpongeBob is holding a glass of milk] Ah that's the stuff, a glass of warm snail milk. [drinks the milk in one go and throws the glass off-screen which lands with a smash, SpongeBob looks at his watch and then stares blankly at nothing] AHH, WHY ISN'T IT WORKING...?! [instantly falls onto his front side and falls asleep at last, Gary still awake, slivers over SpongeBob and goes off-screen]

Squidward: [sarcastically] If you love it here, why don't you just live here?

[SpongeBob's dismayed face changes to a happy expression upon considering Squidward's "suggestion". Later that night, SpongeBob (in his underwear) is shown preparing for bedtime, using a cardboard box as a makeshift bed, a paper bag for a nightcap and a piece of tissue for a blanket, he tries to get his feet out of the box and succeeds. He picks up the tissue paper and places it on him as he starts to lie down, he stares at the ceiling without looking tired]

SpongeBob: Something's not right, could it be my old alarm clock? Maybe it's my old bed. Oh, I know, I'll make the Krusty Krab just like home! What do you say to that, Gary? ["Gary" is shown to be a toilet paper roll with cucumber "eyes"]

Squidward: SpongeBob at the Krusty Krab? Wait a minute, if he's living here, than that means he won't be living next to me! [falling gently] Hoooo. [lands in what appears to be flowers and making a angel formation] Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! [the "flowers" turn out to be pots and pans, Mr. Krabs watches in confusion from the fry cook window]

Mr. Krabs: [to himself] Hmm, there must be a full moon.

Squidward: [about SpongeBob] Well he might be twice as annoying at work, but it still beats having him as a neighbor. [deeply sighing in content] Haaa... [he is cut off when soaking wet briefs belonging to SpongeBob, move across a laundry line and slap Squidward on his head. after the third has passed, Squidward ducks to avoid the rest]

SpongeBob: [in the kitchen using a blender (without the blade inside) to clean his underwear, after it is done, he takes a pair out, he sqeezes the water out and hangs the underwear on the line, moving it along, all the while singing] The Laundry Song, la la la! Sing a bunch of laundry all day long, la la Laundry Song!

Mr. Krabs: [disgusted] SpongeBob, ye can't hang ye delicates in me costumers' faces! [Harold the red fish notices a pair]

SpongeBob: Well they don't seem to mind. [Harold takes the pair and uses it as a napkin]

Mr. Krabs: [more disgusted] Oh, I have a disgusting cliental. Who spent their money freely.

SpongeBob: [giggles] Aye, aye Cap'n!

Mr. Krabs: 'Cause I hate for a certain living arrangement, meaning yours... [heading to his office] ...To interfere with said money spending! [as he opens the door he finds that SpongeBob's bed is blocking the way] SpongeBob! Why is ye bed in me office?

SpongeBob: It was getting kinda crowded in the kitchen... so I moved in here.

Mr. Krabs: You can't stay in here! These are me private quarters boy, the only place I can escape for solitude during the day!

SpongeBob: [begging] But I'll only be here at night! Please let me stay! Pleeeassse?

Mr. Krabs: Ah... okay, but I'll have to raise ye rent.

Mr Krabs: [to Squidward; holding small clam-shaped soaps] Squidward, who put these fancy smelling soaps in the restroom?

Squidward: [refering to SpongeBob] The same person [holding up a napkin holder with a knitted cover] who knitted these napkin holders [holding up a embroidered restaurant menu] and embroidered the menu!

[Cut to next day where Mr. Krabs opens up the Krusty Krab but this time, all of Squidward's stuff is inside]

Mr. Krabs: SQQQUIIIIIIDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDD!!!

Krabs à la Mode (5.2)

Squidward: I'm going to go recover from hypothermia.

Spongebob: Hippo-whatia? What does that mean?

Mr. Krabs: It means he's a big fat crybaby.

Squidward: Brrr! How cold does Krabs keep this place anyway...? [looks at the thermostat which reads 62 degrees, much to his disgust] ...62 DEGREES!? Oh, that cheapstake. [with confidence] I'm gonna set to a toasty 63. [turns the thermostat dial slightly clockwise; an siren goes off and a red light flashes] Huh? [This alerts Mr. Krabs in his office]

Mr. Krabs: [bursts through the door to his office] WHOOOOOOOO TOOOOOOOUUUUUUUCHED ME THERMOSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!?! [everyone, including SpongeBob, points to Squidward]

Squidward: [to Spongebob] Oh, thanks a lot, Sponge- [Mr. Krabs grabs him in the jugular, cutting him off]

Spongebob: You're welcome, Squidward.

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, you're always going on about your book club, read this. [points to a poster above the thermostat that reads "DO NOT TOUCH THERMOSTAT EVER!!"]

Squidward: [reading] "DO NOT TOUCH THERMOSTAT EVER!!". [Mr. Krabs sets it back to 62]

Mr. Krabs: HEAT COSTS MONEY! There's two ways to get on me bad side, boys. I don't like kids playing in me yard and nobody but me, touches me thermostat!

Squidward: That's totally selfish!

Spongebob: Yeah! Your yard is really fun! There are kids playing in it right now.

Mr. Krabs: [shocked] WHAT!?!

Mr. Krabs: [having a nightmare] No... no. Someone... touching... thermostat.

Mr. Krabs: I don't care if Santy Claus and Jack Frost are having Ice Cream Cones. Don't... touch... THE THERMOSTAAAAAAT!! [yells so loud that the icicles fall]

Squidward: [Stuck to the floor] I'm really glad I don't eat here.

Roller Cowards (6.1)

SpongeBob: [reading a story to Gary] And then, the ugly mollusk ran all the way home...

Patrick: SpongeBob, you gotta see this. It's an emergency broadcast on my TV.

TV Announcer: The day you've been waiting for is almost here. That's right. Glove World! has a new ride. It's big... [roller coaster goes above the water then back down into it] It's fast... [Nancy and Harold are riding a roller coaster so fast, Harold flies off of it]

Nancy Suzy Fish: Harold, no!

TV Announcer: It's painful... [roller coaster crashes into the ground, causing an explosion] It's the "Fiery Fist O' Pain." Opening tomorrow only at Glove World!.

Patrick: Tomorrow! SpongeBob, we gotta get to bed so we can be first in line!

[Patrick hangs onto his TV and goes back to his rock]

Old Man Jenkins: [gets wheeled out by Harold] Oh why, why, whyyyyyyy! Why won't you let me on the ride?

Harold: Sir, you have a serious medical condition.

Old Man Jenkins: But it's my birthday!

Henry's wife: [over speaker] Please wait until the car has come to a complete stop... and STOP CRYING!

Employee #3: It's over. You can get out now.

SpongeBob and Patrick: We did it! [both get out and run around in circles]

SpongeBob: We conquered our fears!

Patrick: We survived the Fist o' Pain!

Employee #3: Hey, hold it right there! You forgot these.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Our spines! [grab their spines] Yeah! [when they grab them, they start to wiggle their bodies and then bend them backwards. They laugh]

SpongeBob: Let's go again!

Patrick: Yeah!

Bucket Sweet Bucket (6.2)

Mr. Krabs: You don't really think I'd leave me secret formula behind when I go on vacation, do you?

Mr. Krabs and Plankton: 'Now stay away from me...'

Plankton: "...Restaurant, bug." I think we've been through this one before. Allow me to do the honors. [throws himself back at the Chum Bucket] Ahhhhhhh… [lands on the ground with a thud]

Karen: Oh. Excellent job, genius. You really fixed the place up.

Plankton: Don't nag me, Karen. I've had a long day.

To Love a Patty (7.1)

Patrick: I've been replaced by a sandwich!

SpongeBob: [starts to puke] Can I get a doggie bag with that?

Breath of Fresh Squidward (7.2)

Squidward: Do you remember what I told you happens to my brain every time I see you?

SpongeBob and Patrick: [gasp] Story time!

SpongeBob: Can I tell it this time Squidward? Pretty please? Whenever Squidward sees us, the storm clouds in his brain roll in and a nasty storm rages. So, Squidward's happy gland is force to take shelter in the recesses of his mind. But the happy gland can't find a recess deep enough, so he gets the flu and has to stay in bed until we leave. [happy gland sneezes]

Squidward: GOODNIGHT, BIKINI BOTTOM! I LOVE YOU!

Squidward: How's your meal? Anyone need tartar sauce? I have an idea. How about a free Krusty Krab Junior crew hat for the little tyke.

[Squidward puts a Krusty Krab hat on the kid]

Sadie: [holds Mable] Mommy, I'm scared.

Squidward: Who wants a free refill?

Mr. Krabs: Did someone just say "free"? IN MY RESTAURANT?!? [runs out of his office] What's the problem here?

Sadie: That man was being nice to my little girl.

Little Kid Fish: He- he-- he asked me if I wanted tartar sauce... [She shows the Krusty Krab hat Squidward gave her.] ...And then he gave me a free hat.

Mr. Krabs: Free?! [eyes dry up] Mr. Squidward!

Squidward: Yes, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Listen up. Me customers come here for cheap food and verbal abuse and if you can't get it right, get back in the kitchen with SpongeBob.

[At Patrick's house, Everybody is having the party and a banner reading "Squidward Rocks" is put up and everyone, including Squidward is in a conga line. SpongeBob, however, chooses to sit at a table by himself and stare at his piece of cake]

Squidward: Enjoying the party, SpongeBob? [SpongeBob sniffles] How's the cake, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward. [sniffles] It's a very okay cake. [sniffles]

Squidward: I love being Employee of the Month.

SpongeBob: Oh, so what if New Squidward is a better cook than you? Doesn't matter. And so what if Squidward replaced you as Employee of the Month? And so what if New Squidward is pogo-dancing with your best friend? [screams] Pogo-dancing with your best friend? [Patrick and Squidward are bouncing on pogo sticks. whimpers then gets angry] STOP! [party stops] Maybe you can take my job, and maybe you can take my place on the Employee of the Month Wall of Fame. But nobody and I mean nobody, pogo-dances with that guy... [points to Patrick] ...But me. Now do yourself a big fat favor and get out, bub! What're you gonna do, cry Mr. Squidward Tentacles, or should I say "Squidjerk Losercles"! [Squidward tearfully leaves and goes over to touch the doorknob on the electric fence, which is still on, and gets electrocuted. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are on pogo sticks] You know, Patrick. maybe I was a little hard on New Squidward. I mean, he might be a good fry cook. and he might have his picture on the wall, but I still have the best friend in the world... [gasps] I know. I'll go apologize. Come on. [goes over to Squidward, still being electrocuted] Squidward, I just want to say I'm sorry for being so selfish, and yelling at you and all. I mean, who cares about cooking, pictures on the wall and dancing. We're bigger than that, right? So, if you're willing to let bygones be bygones, then I'm willing to meet you half way. What do you say, buddy? Put her there.

Patrick: He's too proud.

SpongeBob: Oh, I'll just meet you all the way. Lay one on me, pal.

[SpongeBob grabs Squidward's hand and gets electrocuted, too]

Patrick: Hey, I want to dance funny, too!

[Patrick gets electrocuted, too. The OFF/ON switch explodes and the electric fence is no more]

Squidward: SpongeBob! Patrick! What are you two still doing here?

SpongeBob: [imitating Squidward] What are you talking about?

Patrick: [imitating Squidward] Yeah, what's the big idea? [all talking at once]

Money Talks (8.1)

Mr. Krabs: [singing] If I could talk to money, how great my life would be?

We'd tell each other secrets.

All their friends would visit me.

We'd bathe in filthy riches.

Which is clean enough for me.

Oh, if you could tell me what you want, how happy we would be?

We'd surely be the best of friends, we'd never disagree.

There couldn't be a downside, not one that I could see.

If I could talk to money.

Come along, sing with me!

Squidward: Uh no thanks, I gotta go.

SpongeBob: I really have to pee.

Mr. Krabs: [singing] If I could talk to money and it could talk to meeeeee, we'd surely be the best of friends for all eternittttttty! [laughs]

Patrick: What did I miss?

Money: [moaning] Spend us, spend us.

Mr. Krabs: I can't spend all of you. And none of you want to be spent on stuff I want.

Money: Spend us.

Mr. Krabs: Ah, you're all shallow and self-absorbed. What did I ever see in you?

Money: Spend us.

Mr. Krabs: I'm not listening.

Money: Spend us.

Flying Dutchman: All sales are final from the Flying Dutchman, especially for a selfish shellfish like yourself. Try saying that 3 times fast. Your soul's going into me fanny pack of despair. [squeals] Now, pay up. Huh? [He pulls a paper out of Mr. Krabs] An 'I.O.U.'?

Mr. Krabs: Hehe, yeah. Well, I sort of sold my soul already.

Dutchman: What, to who(m)?

Mr. Krabs: To those guys.

Monster: We were here first, pops.

Monster #2: We've all got a claim on Krabs' soul.

Monster: Get to the back of the line.

Mr. Krabs: Now, now. I'm sure we can sort this out.

Dutchman: [does so and sees SpongeBob in the line] You too, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: He was $5 short on payday. [Dutchman sighs in disappointment]

SpongeBob vs. the Patty Gadget (8.2)

[a book entitled "The Legend of SpongeBob SquarePants" is on a wooden type platform]

Patchy the Pirate [narrating]: Ahoy, mateys! Today I'll be spinning a tale you won't soon forget. [book opens and shows a chapter called "SpongeBob vs. The Patty Gadget"] It's called "SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Patty Gadget"!
Now, SpongeBob was workin', his eye on the grill, 'til he heard a sharp sound that gave him a chill.

SpongeBob: What's going on, what could it mean?

Patchy [narrating]: Wow, it's a deep-fry patty cookin' machine. [a round, metal machine comes through the doors] And hiding behind it, who do we see?
None other than Squidward... and his bad face acne. [zoom in on Squidward's zits on his face]

Squidward: Hey!

Mr. Krabs: What's this contraption you've hauled into me place?

Squidward: A miracle, a marvel. It'll cook Krabby Patties at a fabulous pace.

Mr. Krabs: But how are the patties? I mean, how do they taste?

Squidward: I'll let you try one. [hands Mr. Krabs a Krabby Patty] Shove this in your face.

Mr. Krabs: [eats it] I have to admit, that patty was yummy. [his "tummy" is making growly noises] Though it sits like a rock when it lands in me tummy, but I've got me a fry cook, and he's always on time.

Squidward: Ah, but this gizmo is faster, and you won't pay it a dime.

Mr. Krabs: Your machine sounds delightful, but how much does it cost?

Squidward: Hmm, just fire SpongeBob and tell him, "get lost". [SpongeBob is staring from the kitchen window]

Patchy [narrating]: The machine wanted his job to make SpongeBob quit, but SpongeBob didn't like it.
No, not one bit.
Pushing his grill, SpongeBob burst through the door.

SpongeBob: [pushes the grill out of the kitchen] I challenge your gadget, I declare patty war!

Patchy [narrating]: With 3 little words, Krabs started the show.
Flag raised in the air, he cried...

Mr. Krabs: Ready, set, go!

Patchy [narrating]: Quick as a flash, Squidward pulled the big lever, and sat back and watched feeling, oh, so quite clever.
SpongeBob, with spatula held tight in his fist, flung 20 patties, not a single one missed. [SpongeBob throws twenty patties on the grill] The crowd was impressed.

Sandy: Wow!

Patchy [narrating]: They cheered full of glee.
All except Patrick, who had to go pee. [everyone cheers except Patrick, who is wiggling a lot] A noise and a clatter came from the machine, and out popped the patties in a burst of hot steam.
The gadget was fast, its first batch completed, but SpongeBob yelled out...

SpongeBob: I won't be defeated!

Patchy [narrating]: He took in some air.
SpongeBob swelled his physique. And dozens of patties filled up his cheeks. [SpongeBob breathes in so hard that a bag of patties flies into his mouth] He strained and he sweated.
He summoned his will, and shot Krabby Patties right onto the grill.

Squidward: Not bad.

Patchy [narrating]: Yelled out Squidward.

Squidward: A really good try, but let's see how you do against my machine set on high. [pulls down the machine lever to set it on high]

Patchy [narrating]: The gizmo, it shuddered.
It clattered, it shook and as Squidward laughed...

Squidward: Ha, ha.

Patchy [narrating]: Sandy said...

Sandy: What a schnook.

Patchy [narrating]: But SpongeBob cried out...

SpongeBob: I won't lose to that thing!

Patchy [narrating]: Then he held up 2 spatulas and leapt like a spring.
His hands were a blur, the patties went flying.
He fried up a hundred with out even trying.
Squidward was worried.
SpongeBob couldn't be beat.

Squidward: I got one last chance, I'll turn up the heat.

Patchy [narrating]: He struggled and strained 'til his face turned dark blue.
Then the lever moved forward and broke right in 2.
The gadget buckled and sparked.
It cracked like a gun.
So, Squidward took off, yelling...

Squidward: [runs out of the Krusty Krab] Let me know if I've won!

Patchy [narrating]: Lightning flew from its maw.
It looked ready to burst, but SpongeBob, still standing, yelled...

SpongeBob: Foul beast, do your worst!

Patchy [narrating]: The patties came flying, by 2s and by 3s, by dozens, by hundreds.
Oh, it was something to see.
Aye, that machine, it was fast, but SpongeBob was faster.
He proved to that thing that he was its master. [patty gadget blows up] The gadget blew into bits and died with a boom.
The blast was so loud, it woke King Neptune. [King Neptune is in his bed, asleep... with a teddy bear, until he hears the boom]

King Neptune: [mumbles] What's that? [cut back to the Krusty Krab]

Patchy [narrating]:: It was all over, finished and done.
With his head held up high, SpongeBob knew he had won.
The crowd yelled, "Hooray, Squidward's name is now mud", but as they were cheering, SpongeBob fell with a thud. [SpongeBob falls over. He lets go of his spatula. The crowd gasps. Cut to a grave, where Sandy, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward are standing in front of it. The 3 leave the scene, while Squidward walks up to the grave.] The service was short, tears shed with regret.
Squidward, it seemed, was the one most upset. [Squidward cries, sets flowers over the grave, then walks away.]

SpongeBob: [walks up to the grave] Whoo, yeah! [dances cheerfully]

Patchy [narrating]: What's that, you thought SpongeBob was buried down there?
They just buried the gadget.
Ha-ha, this I swear. [pan below the dirt where we see the patty gadget underground. The storybook closes] Well, that ends me tale, straight from the book.
Now I gotta go and polish me hook!

Slimy Dancing (8.3)

Sadie: Tommy, I've got a fresh load of laundr-- [screams as she thinks Tommy is having a seizure on the floor] Tommy! Oh! Oh, dear me, no! [dials 911] Hello, it's an emergency! My son! He's--

Tommy: [scoffs] Mom, calm down. [stops music] I'm just doing "The Cramp".

Sadie: [hangs up phone] Oh, oh you kids and your crazy dance fads. [laughs and is soon joined by Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward]

Patrick: Hey, everybody, let's all do "The Cramp"!

All: Yeah! [Sadie sets up the music. Everybody dances "The Cramp" while SpongeBob and Patrick scream]

The Krusty Sponge (9.1)

Mr. Krabs: Ay, ay-ay-ay-ay... That's me boy, SpongeBob. That's me boy. [SpongeBob walks in the kitchen as a dollar sign while register rings keep sounding. Cut to a line of fish lined up at The Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs: It's good to have you back, boy. Let's see how Squidward's enjoying his new position. [outside, Squidward, still in the SpongeBob costume, is giving the judge a ride on the Fun Train. The judge has a whip in his hand] Take him around as many times as you like.

Judge Horace A. Whopper: I just might have to take you up on that. [winks and cracks his whip so Squidward goes faster]

Mr. Krabs: [sighs] I love a happy ending. [screen goes blank as the whip cracks at the background]

Sing a Song of Patrick (9.2)

Patrick: I think I wrote a poem once. [flashback to a younger Patrick, whose voice is higher-pitched]

Young Patrick: [reading from a sheet of paper] A Poem, by Patrick Star. "Roses are blue, violets are red. I have to go to the bathroom." [eats the paper and burps]

Gym Teacher: How many times I gotta tell ya? This... is... gym class! [blows a whistle, and several dodgeballs are thrown at Patrick]

Squidward: What is that horrible smell?! [sees steam coming out of SpongeBob's window] Is Patrick thinking again?

Patrick: [sticking his head out of the window] I'm making art!

Squidward: Patrick, it smells like something crawled into your brain and died.

Patrick: That's the creative process at work! Ready to go to the post office? [shows a letter with Patrick's poem in it] I need to mail in my masterpiece.

Narrator: The next day... [cuts to Bigshot Records]

Lead Singer: ♪--and that's why you're my cookie-wookie-teddy bear!♪

Bassist: I hate my life.

Keyboardist: I hate your life, too dude.

Band Manager: People! We have 17 more songs to finish this hour! Next up is: "I Wrote This" by Patrick Star. [sniffs two times then holds his nose in disgust] Yick. [gives the script to the Guitarist]

Guitarist: This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up!

Bassist: Oh, yeah? [he takes the script and, upon reading it, his eyeballs shrivel up and turn to dust]

Band Manager: I don't care how awful his poem is! We spent his hundred bucks already!

Bassist: Come on guys, we're gonna do this if it kills us. A 1, and a 2, and a [Cuts to a graveyard: the band members apparently died after recording the song]

Charlie: [to Patrick in a grave voice] They wanted you to have this. [hands a record to Patrick]

Patrick: My song! Ahh!

SpongeBob: It's really loud!

Patrick: You need it louder? OKAY!

"I Wrote This" Lyrics:

♪Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star!♪

♪I made myself a sandwich.♪
♪My mommy named it Fred.♪
♪It tastes like beans and bacon.♪
♪And smells like it's been dead!♪

♪Writing stuff is hard so I use a pointy pencil.♪
♪Pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point!♪
♪PU! What's that horrible smell?♪

Drum solo!

[drum solo plays]

♪I have a head, it ends in a point.♪
♪Pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point!♪
♪This song is over, except for this line.♪
♪You win this round, Broccoli!♪

Fred: [covering his ears] Where is that awful song coming from?

Lead Singer: --And smells like it's been dead!--

Fred: [points at the radio station] To the radio station! [everyone grumbles as they march angrily to the radio station]

Lou-Vendor: Torches! Get your torches! [everyone gets a torch]

Harold: Pitchforks! You can't be an angry mob without pitchforks! [everyone gets a pitchfork]

A Flea In Her Dome (10.1)

[SpongeBob and Patrick are crying because they miss Sandy]

SpongeBob: Why did she have to go to the science convention and TAY-HAUS? [Spanish pronunciation of "Texas"]

Patrick: TAY-HAUS!

SpongeBob: She won't be back for 1 more hour, 26 minutes and 47 seconds! [they start squirting tears at each other]

Patrick: I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose--

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone, he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]

Squidward: No, I'm not. [walks away]

SpongeBob: I sure do miss that squirrel! Her karate chopping, that 10-gallon glass dome over her dome and who can forget those buck teeth? After Sandy gets back, we're gonna let her know how much we miss her!

Patrick: Is Sandy the one I call "mom"?

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, that's your mother. But that does give me an idea! We'll throw Sandy the mother of all welcome-home parties! Patrick, to the tree dome!

Patrick: WHOHAIE!

Sandy: Sorry, SpongeBob, he's got a fierce "no-singing" policy!

SpongeBob: That's quite all right, Ms. Cheeks, as long as you don't have a fierce "no-partying" policy!

Patrick: [the flea bites him and makes marks on his stomach] Ahahahaha! Connect the Dots. [draws lines connecting the bite marks on his stomach] I drawed a horsey! [Really...?] OUCH!! Why does this flea keep biting me?

Sandy: 'Cause he's hungry. When a flea bites you, it's because he's sucking up your blood for nutrition. [...Like a vampire.]

Patrick: I have been bitten by a vampire flea! NOOOOO!! I'm gonna turn into a vampire now! It's already happening! [starts going berserk]

The Donut Of Shame (10.2)

Patrick: Where am I? What happened? Oh yeah, the party. I must have passed out in SpongeBob's kitchen... on the ceiling. See, SpongeBob? I told you we shouldn't stay up past 8:30, things get real crazy after 8:30. [has a flashback of last night's tea party] She really knows how to pound 'em down huh, SpongeBob... SpongeBob? [notices SpongeBob snoring with a donut in his hand] That's a good lookin' donut.

The Krusty Plate (10.3)

SpongeBob: [washing plates] There ya go, little buddy. Now everybody's all clean and ready for beddy-bye.

Mr. Krabs: [enters kitchen] Time to pack it in, Sponge- Bah! Wha?! [sees a spot on a plate]

SpongeBob: All ready, Mr. Krabs. [he takes his hairnet off] Just gotta clock out and...

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's the meaning of this? [SpongeBob inspects the plate and then notices the spot]

SpongeBob: [screams] Spot, spot, spot!

Mr. Krabs: That's right, a spot. You know the rule. Nobody leaves work till...

SpongeBob: ...till everything's ship-shape, sir. Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I'll get this plate cleaned up in a jiffy.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, and, uh, lock up when you're done.

SpongeBob: Lock up? Wait, Mr. Krabs. Don't you remember what happened last time you left me here alone? [flashback when the Krusty Krab is on fire]

Mr. Krabs: Should've never left you alone with a lit blow torch and me roller skates. But, since I've removed all the welding equipment from the premises, there's no-ho-ho chance of that happenin' again, right? Now, get to work.

Mr. Krabs: Hmmm... strange vortex in the west. Well, it's probably got nothing to do with SpongeBob. [he walks away, and the scene cuts back to the Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob: OK, you asked for it. It may end life as we know it, but I am crossing the beams! [he crosses the beams] More power! [does so, and it sends out 'sound'-like waves through the air, causing everything to look like it's wiggling. Mr. Krabs checks out his window]

Mr. Krabs: Spontaneous molecular distortion, hmm? I guess I better go see what the lad's up to.

SpongeBob: More power!

Mr. Krabs: [sees a bunch of lasers and fireworks coming from the Krusty Krab] Oh, boy, that can't be good.

SpongeBob: More power!

Mr. Krabs: Let's see what he's done this time. [puts the key in the lock]

SpongeBob: MAXIMUM POWER!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! [pushes on maximum power. A huge blast wrecks the restaurant and a bursing size of an atomic bomb, which is actually a clip from Operation Crossroad occurs. We now see the restaurant completely destroyed and then the Spot-Master 6000 disintegrates]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, this time you've done it, boy. What've you got to say for yourself?

SpongeBob: [shows Mr. Krabs the clean plate] The platter's all clean, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'll clean your platter! [chases SpongeBob around the ruins of the restaurant] Come here, you! [He chases SpongeBob around the remains of the building]

Goo Goo Gas (11.1)

Plankton: [back at the Chum Bucket, talking to Karen] …And then that blasted sponge called the cops! That's just not cricket. [pouts] Now I'll never be a tyrannical overlord.

Karen: Do I have to tell you how to do everything? Next time, spray SpongeBob, too.

Plankton: Not sure.

Karen: Listen carefully. Spray...

Plankton: Yes.

Karen: ...Sponge...

Plankton: Uh-huh.

Karen: ...Bob...

Plankton: Right.

Karen: ...Too!

Plankton: Now, you're just talking gibberish. What I really need is to spray Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob.

Karen: That's just what I…

Plankton: I don't wanna hear all your loony schemes, Karen. I've got work to do!

Plankton: YEOW! [He slides in Patrick's diaper. Baby Patrick farts as he laughs, and Plankton jumps out, screaming in terror. Baby Mr. Krabs is then seen sucking the Krabby Patty secret formula like a baby bottle] Huh? I don't believe it, the Krabby Patty Formula, he's teething on it! [Baby Harold crawls in the background] Give it here, you big stupid baby! [Baby Krabs squishes Plankton with the bottle] Ow. [he squishes him 4 more times as Baby Thaddeus laughs. As Baby Krabs crawls away, Plankton emerges, groaning in pain] I've got it, just like taking candy from a baby! Get it, Krabs? I'm taking candy from you! [notices Baby SpongeBob starts playing with the gas] Hey, what are you doing?! [the gas releases and it sprays Plankton] Uh-oh. [he shrinks until he is no longer seen as he is in another dimension with amoebas floating around him] Ahem! [he covers himself] Mama's little evil genius needs a diaper!

Le Big Switch (11.2)

SpongeBob: [Starts with scene of The Krusty Krab zooming in, then we see SpongeBob ringing the bell] Order up, right now! Go out there, and bless the taste buds of your lucky connoisseur. [kisses a heart]

Squidward: [opens his mouth and accidentally swallows Spongebob's heart and starts choking] It went in my mouth! Choking on sentiment! I think I'm poisoned! [then falls]

Squidward: You sold me?!?

Mr. Krabs: No! Bartered is more like it. They keep you, I keep my kneecaps.

Man who's holding Squidward: Come on, mac! [takes him away]

Squidward: You're pathetic! [Le Schnook then walks in]

SpongeBob: You got it, Mr. Krabs. [he kisses another heart] [Squidward swallows Spongebob's heart and starts choking again in the same scene at the beginning of the episode he falls again and Spongebob and Mr. Krabs starts laughing the episode ends]

Picture Day (13.1)

Harold: Save yourself, kid. I'm finished. [SpongeBob runs away while dodging all the balloons. Hides behind a dumpster but there is a kid waiting for him with a ketchup bottle]

Teenager: Gotcha!

SpongeBob: Wait, wait, don't squirt! Please, you've got to spare me. I've got picture day today.

Teenager: Oh, pictures, huh? Well, let me help you with your makeup. [squirts ketchup at SpongeBob but SpongeBob blocks ketchup with his tongue and jumps away. More teenagers run towards SpongeBob but he notices a hot dog stand and hides on the top where the giant hot dog is posing as a slice of cheese]

SpongeBob: Well, I'm not sure how I did it, but I-- [gets squirt with ketchup by Old Man Jenkins who missed his hot dog]

Old Man Jenkins: Fiddlesticks. Missed again.

SpongeBob: Cheese. [picture is taken. Later at home] There I am. [looking at his cautious memories book] Hey, I don't look so bad after all! :[everyone in the book is smiling like SpongeBob]

Pat No Pay (13.2)

[at the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs checks the register but it's empty]

Mr. Krabs: Yeesh, we need some customers in here. [Patrick comes in Krusty Krab groaning] What's gotten into you?

Patrick: I don't know. [his stomach turns into different shapes and sizes] What's happening to me?

SpongeBob: I think I can explain. [lifts up Patrick's belly] Yes, I've seen this one before. It's a common symptom. Patrick is suffering from Krabby Patty Withdrawal. He needs one, or he'll keep mumbling about it for the next 3-1/2 minutes.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, he needs one, eh? [to cash register] Methinks a paying customer's in our midst. [to Patrick] Patrick, how's a Krabby Patty with extra cheese sound?

Patrick: [gasps] Give me! [Patrick acting like a dog]

Mr. Krabs: Not yet. First, I have to know, can you pay for it?

Patrick: Oh, yeah, I can pay for it. [Mr. Krabs patting him]

Mr. Krabs: Good boy. [cut to Patrick inhaling a bunch of Krabby Patties like a vacuum]

Narrator: 10 Seconds later. [Patrick is full with a mountain of Krabby Patties snoring]

Mr. Krabs: My good man, how you doing? [Patrick mumbles] Excellent. Now, let's get down to business. [gets out his receipt]

Patrick: What's that?

Mr. Krabs: It's your bill.

Patrick: I don't have any money.

Mr. Krabs: What? I thought you said you could pay for it!

Patrick: [refering to how many Krabby Patties he ate] Oh, I'm payin' for it all right. [belches]

Mr. Krabs: [gasps] NON-PAYING CUSTOMER! [alarm blares while the whole place is put on lock down]

Patrick: [looking puzzled] Huh?

Mr. Krabs: [grabbing Patrick by the head] You're gonna pay, one way or another. [cut to Mr. Krabs and Patrick in bathroom] All right, Patrick, if you're not gonna pay for your food with money you're gonna pay with hard, physical labor. I want you to swab the latrine. [looks at the trash and spiders on the floor] I'll be back in a while to check up on you. [mumbles] Bottom-feeding...

Patrick: No problem. Tra-la-la-la-la. [pushes the bucket along the floor leaving puddles of water on the ground] Work, work, work, work.

Mr. Krabs: [coming back in] So, Patrick, how are you...? [gasps] What in blazes did you do?

Patrick: [sitting on the ground with green soap on his belly] I accidentally tried the hand soap. [eats some more and burps] It doesn't taste as good as it smells. [Mr. Krabs mutters while pushing Patrick into the kitchen. Opens up a freezer door]

Mr. Krabs: See these ice cube trays? [points to barrel] I want you to put 'em in that bucket.

Patrick: How do I do that?

Mr. Krabs: Figure it out!

Patrick: Uh... I have to be very gentle. [Patrick does the exact opposite; he closes the doors, picks up the freezer and throws it on the bucket, causing it and the freezer to break into pieces]

Mr. Krabs: What the...? What are you doing?

Patrick: [stacking ice cubes on remains of barrel] Almost done, Mr. Krabs. [stacks on last ice cube, causing pile to collapse]

Mr. Krabs: You've destroyed me refrigerator. [picks up melting ice cubes] You've destroyed many of the things I love. [grabs Patrick by the arm] I got another job that even a nimrod like you couldn't mess up. [cut to in front of the trash chute] All you got to do is throw all of these trash bags down the trash chute, like so. [throws a trash bag down the chute] See?

Patrick: Yup.

Mr. Krabs: Good, 'cause if you mess this up, you'll never eat another Krabby Patty again! [Patrick screams]

Patrick: Hurry, hurry, hurry! [throws some sacks into the trash chute fast]

Mr. Krabs: [to SpongeBob] Here, boy, take this sack of loot and put her in me safe.

SpongeBob: Okie dokie, Mr. Krabs. [goes by the trash room but hears some crashing so he checks it out] Patrick, what's up buddy?

Patrick: [a bunch of trash bags are stuck] I have to get rid of this trash, but it won't go down. [Patrick cries]

SpongeBob: [laughs] That's because you didn't hit the trash compactor switch. [turns the compactor on. All the trash is gone]

Patrick: SpongeBob, you're a genius! [sees the money bag on SpongeBob's shoulder, thinking it's a trash bag] Oh, no, there's one left.

SpongeBob: [Patrick accidently grabs SpongeBob's money bag. desperate] Patrick, that's not a-- [Patrick throws SpongeBob's money bag into the compactor] ...Trash bag.

Patrick: [seeing that the compactor won't sucked the money bag] Why won't you go down? [starts flipping switch up and down, causing the compactor to expand]

Mr. Krabs: Well, well, let's see how the poor boy's doing. Well, did you earn me money back yet, Patrick? [Krusty Krab explodes! The trash compactor comes down in its original spot and sucked the money bag into the trash compactor and all over Mr. Krabs]

Patrick: [Mr. Krab's eyes him angrily, knowing this was Patrick's fault] Can I eat now?

BlackJack (13.3)

Blackened Sponge (14.1)

Mermaid Man vs. SpongeBob (XIV.II)

Kids: [chanting] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! [kids throw Squidward into the window, which solidly flattens and Squidward slides away. The kids chant some more while throwing stuff around] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! We want Mermaid Man!

Mr. Krabs: Uh, hey, kids? [The kids stop chanting] Uh, well, there's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy... in the ballroom. [all the kids run inside the ballroom and Mr. Krabs closes the door behind them to keep them inside] SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: [He jogs over] Yes, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Go get those AWOL do-gooders you talked me into hirin', and bring their patoots back here on the double!

SpongeBob: Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs. [He runs off-screen]

Mr. Krabs: [Grabs a broom] Back, you! Back! [the broom he was using to keep the kids back is eaten. The scene changes to Shady Shoals Rest Home where all of the fish are either running away or hiding in fear of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's destruction of the place. SpongeBob enters the building]

SpongeBob: Not so fast! You're not dealing with an ordinary fry cook! It's time for you to meet... [throws an exploding capsule on the ground] Fry Boy, Defender of-- Ow! [notices his that his outfit hasn't changed, so, he uses another exploding capsule to put on another outfit] Fry Boy. [He is now wearing a superhero costume that features 2 Krabby Patties, 2 Spatulas, and a cape. His voice becomes deep and he has a large chin.] ...Defender of the Krabby Patty! [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy growl and run after Fry Boy. He throws the patties up into the air and hits them with his spatulas sending them to Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy but they duck. Fry Boy jumps. The heroes continue to run]

Fry Boy: [stretches his arms around some coral and sends the heroes back towards him. He trips them into the ground and eating a Krabby Patty] Yes! You lose, Plankton! Now watch as the Krabby Patties' wholesome flavors work their magic! [nothing happens so Plankton sends the heroes over to the Chum Bucket]

Plankton: I did it, I did it! Look at all these customers. [evil laugh] In your face, Krabs! Yes!

Harold: So, uh, where's the food?

Plankton: [laughs evil] Huh? Food? Oh, yeah. Never thought I'd get this far. [goes into the kitchen]

[scene changes to show Fry Boy still stomped into the ground]

Fry Boy, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: To the Krusty Krab, away! [everyone goes over to the Krusty Krab]

Plankton: Hey, everyone, I made Chummy Joes. [Plankton screams as he sees everyone gone]

The Inmates of Summer (15.1)

SpongeBob: Aye, forgesmen, what forces blow the merry winds of Galilee?

[cuts to the prisoners behind the curtains]

Prisoner #4: Get ready!

Prisoner #5: Huh... Oh!

"Together" Lyrics:

♪Tis we...♪
♪Here to sing a song of maritime camaraderie.♪
♪Together!♪ [electric guitar solo]
♪Together! Together!♪ [electric drum solo]
♪Together!♪ [synthesizer solo]
♪Together!♪
♪Together! Together! To-geth-er!♪

♪Like a boat upon the sea! Together!♪
♪In happy camaraderie! Together!♪
♪That's the way it ought to be! Together!♪
♪Just you, and you, and you, and you, and me! Together!♪
♪Togeeeetttthhhher! Together!♪

Camp Counselor: [to Prisoner #6] Oh, that is very good, Bruiser! [We see others complaining and crying. SpongeBob and Patrick sigh. They both say each other's names at the same time]

SpongeBob: You first.

Patrick: I... I like the other island better!

SpongeBob: ME TOO! [Both start crying uncontrollably]

To Save a Squirrel (15.2)

Patrick: Something smells good. What are you cooking, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I'm cooking you, I'm gonna eat ya!

Patrick: [screams] Why do you want to eat me?

SpongeBob: I know what you're doing, you're playing dumb, but it won't work, because I'm going to eat you before you eat me!

Patrick: Well, not if I eat you first!

SpongeBob: Oh, no you don't! [hurries to get Patrick] Where'd he go? Come on out, Patrick. You can't hide forever! What's this? [realizes he's in a warm boiling pot of water] Warm water?

Patrick: You seemed kinda tense, so I drew you a hot bath.

SpongeBob: Ah thanks Patrick! I did get a trifle unhinged, didn't I?

Patrick: Oops, I forgot the bathbeads!

SpongeBob: Thanks Patrick! You're a real pal! Funny looking bathbeads. They almost look like carrots. CARROTS?! You're making soup out of me!

Patrick: No it's not! It was supposed to be stew!! [runs, then becomes tired] Whew! I'm getting tired.

SpongeBob: Why don't you take a nap on this nice, soft bed? [it's a white wheat bread] There, that's it. Here, I'll tuck you in with this nice soft blanket. [it's another white wheat bread with a toothpick and olive] ...And what's a little blanket without a little ketchup?

Patrick: This isn't a bed!

SpongeBob: Wait, come back! You're not properly seasoned! [Patrick grabs the ketchup bottle and sprays ketchup all over SpongeBob] [screams and runs away from Patrick. SpongeBob grabs back the ketchup bottle]

Patrick: Give me that ketchup back!

SpongeBob: No! [he and Patrick fight over the ketchup bottle, and cover each other with ketchup] Gotcha! [tries to bite Patrick]

Patrick: No, got you! [tries to bite SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: I got you! [tries to bite Patrick. The Cave Fish claps his hands]

Cave Fish: Congratulations! You did it!

SpongeBob: Did what?

Patrick: What?

Cave Fish: Earned your survivalist medals, of course! Only a hardcore survivalist would break down and nearly eat his best pal!

Patrick: Why do you care if we're survivalists?

Cave Fish: 'Cause I'm not just some old hermit...!

Sandy: --I'm... [rips her costume out] ...Sandy Cheeks! Survivalist extraordinaire!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Sandy?

Sandy: It was no accident, that you fell out of my truck, I was just testing your survival skills.

SpongeBob and Patrick: You planned this?

Sandy: Yup and I'm happy to say that you both passed! Here's your survivalist medals! [gives them their medals. SpongeBob and Patrick cheer]

SpongeBob: Wow! It's great that we've won our medals, but I'm still hungry. [picks up his ketchup bottle]

Patrick: Me too. [SpongeBob and Patrick plan to eat Sandy with ketchup]

Sandy: Guys? What'cha doing? Aah, fellas?

SpongeBob and Patrick: Eat or be eaten!!

Sandy: Uh-oh! Next time, I'll bring more granola! [runs away from the cave]

20,000 Patties Under the Sea (17.1)

SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward! Bye, Mr. Krabs! [sounding flirtatious] Bye, Squidward.

Patrick: You said "Bye Squidward" twice.

SpongeBob: I like Squidward.

Patrick: I think I fell on a rock! [shows a sharp, jagged rock in the back of his head]

Plankton: Hello, little one! Would you like a Chum Burger?

Little Kid: Uh... does it come in raspberry?

Plankton: No.

Little Kid: Blueberry...?

Plankton: No

Little Kid: Uhmmmmmmm... raspberry?

Plankton: Aw, c'mon kid! You asked me that already. Now quit wasting my time!

Little Kid's Mother: Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! What do you think you are?!

Plankton: I'm Plankton, you old hag, and your son smells like boogers!

Husband: Hey, you can't talk to my wife that way! What do you think this is?!

Plankton: I think it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty! That's what it is!

Husband's Grandmother: Hey, You can't talk to my grandson like that! Someone ought to put you in a mental hospital!

Plankton: Someone should put you in a box floating down the river, grandma!

Husband's Grandmother: You're probably right.

Plankton: You people are crazy! I'm gettin' outta here! [people begin throwing rocks at him] What the?!

Patrick: [talking about mysterious stomach-like thing from the abyss] It's a liquid!

Spongebob: No, it's a solid, it's a solid! [thing oozes mysterious liquid]

Spongebob and Patrick: It's a losquid...

SpongeBob: Breaker, breaker outer perimeter, looks clear. Over.

Patrick: Robert, Robert...uhh...Ronald, Ronald, Ryan.

SpongeBob: Are you sure you're not trying to say Roger?

Patrick: Oh, wait I got it. Ringo.

The Battle of Bikini Bottom (17.2)

Patrick: I happen to like my various smells and germs.

Patrick: [after he reveals he doesn't wash his hands, much to the chagrin of Spongebob] "U"... [writes a "U" on a brick wall with mud] "R"... [writes an "R"] Um... How do you spell "not my friend"?

Patrick: Taste pit, evildoer.

Squidward: [to Mr. Krabs] Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?

Mr. Krabs: He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for!

The Two Faces of Squidward (19.1)

SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ Squidward had a Krabby Patty-- ♪

Squidward: [SpongeBob and Patrick are still singing in the kitchen] Hold on a second.

SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ --White as snow! ♪

Squidward: [he's shown like a thermometer, reaching the boiling point] Alright! I am gonna-- Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do, but-- [SpongeBob opens the door and bashes Squidward's face]

SpongeBob: ♪ She'll be comin' around the Krabby Patty when she comes! ♪

Squidward: [screams as SpongeBob looks into Squidward] SpongeBob, you nincompoop! You broke my face! Don't just stand there, help me! I need a doctor!

Squidward: Spo... hang on a sec... [slams the door over and over again] Let me... uhhhh... [Squidward becomes even more handsome]

SpongeBob: Yeeks!! Squidward, you're even more handsome! The crowd is in a frenzy.

Squidward: Well, SpongeBob, it was you who got me into this mess, now you have to get me out again!

SpongeBob: I know, Squidward! I'll think of something! Huh! I just need, I just need-- Gasp! Oh no, I'm too late! [a shoe from outside will be hitting Squidward and Splendid the Flying Squirrel springs into action]

Squidward: [In slow motion] Get me to--

SpongeBob: I know, Squidward! I'll think of something! Huh! I just need, I just need-- [a shoe from outside will be hitting Squidward and SpongeBob springs into action]

Squidward: [In slow motion] Get me to--

SpongeBob: Squidward, look out for that falling shoe!

Squidward: Huh? [SpongeBob pushes Squidward and hits the pole flying dramatically; Squidward screams]

SpongeBob: Squidward...

Squidward: SpongeBob...?

SpongeBob: You're back! Oh, Squidward... I love you no matter how many times we smash your face.

Squidward: Almost wish that meant something. [crowd leaves after seeing Squidward not handsome anymore]

Mr. Krabs: Hey, where you going? Don't leave me! Please, I'm beggin' ya! Look. I can make him handsome again. Watch! [slams the door on Squidward's face repeatedly] See? [slam!] He's getting handsome. It just takes a little-- [slam!] --Effort, just a little-- [slam!] --Elbow grease. Please! Come back!!

SpongeHenge (19.2)

SpongeBob: [SpongeBob is sitting together with an exact stone replica of himself] Hey, buddy. Just thought I'd spruce you up a bit. Wuzzat? Oh, you don't say, well guess what? You're my best friend too. Mmm-hmmm. Come on, let's have some fun. Look buddy, mmmmmmmmm. Dinner's ready. Let's have some tea. Do you want some sugar, buddy? One lump or two? Oh, you can have it all. [puts all the sugar in tea] I feel comfortable around you. [sugar crumble in mouth] Can I confess something? Cause I know you'll understand. I have this... problem. I seem to attract JELLYFISH! HAHAHAHA! How do you work that out? Hmmmmm. [SpongeBob stone stays still] Yeah, yeah. I'm in a loss, too. Oh, barnacles. I'm gonna be stuck in this cave forever!! [sighs. SpongeBob's stone replica pores make music as the wind blows through] Of course, buddy. Brilliant idea!! [SpongeBob takes stone outside] Let's see what happens this time. [jellyfish come] Whoooaaa, here they come! Go get 'em, buddy!! [jellyfish hate the music and buzz over to SpongeBob] Hey, guys. What do you think about my little friend's song? [SpongeBob's stone replica plays foul notes] Is there something wrong? [jellyfish sting SpongeBob. SpongeBob runs back to cave] Hmmmmm. I crafted one stone SpongeBob that provided a note in a foul key. But if I crafted another... [pulls down extremely complicated equation on a blackboard] ...The dimension of the hollow center multiplied by the number of holes may offer another tune. One that could soothe those jellyfish, but which one is the right size?! Hmm. I'll just have to make a bunch of them. [SpongeBob makes the 8 musical stones] All right. That oughta do her. [SpongeBob stones produce melodious notes in the breeze] WOW. It actually worked. Ah. They're finally leaving me alone. I can go back to work now! [laughs] Krusty Krab, here I come! [SpongeBob stops running] How long was I gone?! [SpongeBob finds Krusty Krab buried in sand] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Narrator: 3,000 YEARS LATER... [The 3 aliens and their guide float down to the SpongeBob's stone statues]
Alien: To this day, no one knows why these mysterious statues were created or by whom. [One alien takes a picture with its mouth] All we know is that the genius of their design has caused the annual migration of jellyfish to their wondrous tune. [jellyfish come and go in and out of the pores of the SpongeBob stone statues. Off in the distance, SpongeBob laughs]

Banned in Bikini Bottom (20.1)

SpongeBob: I know I've said this 90 times already but... ♪ I love Krabby Patties I think that they are swell. They are the best There's no contest And now I'm going to yell. ♪ Whew! [SpongeBob fills his holes up with air while Squidward walks to the soda machine with a box of cups, and makes a replica of a house of cards with cups. SpongeBob then becomes like a circle, then exhales, which causes the music to continue] ♪I LOVE KRABBY PATTIES! I THINK THEY'RE SWELL! THEY'RE SO NEAT AND QUITE A TREAT AND HOW I LOVE THE WAY THEY SMELL... LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...!♪

Squidward: [the house of cards falls down] I knew I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today.

SpongeBob: ♪La la la la laaaaaaa... la la la la!!♪

Miss Priss: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh... ♪ Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!! ♪ [turns happy and bursts into song] ♪ I like Krabby Patties! I think they're swell. Can you not tell? Krabby Patties, Krabby Patties, they're so sweet! La la la la la la la la la la ♪

SpongeBob: [imitates her voice] ♪ La la la la la la la la laaaaaaaa! ♪ Really neat. [chuckles]

Miss Priss: ♪ Sweet to eat! ♪

SpongeBob: ♪ Treat that's neat! ♪

Miss Priss and SpongeBob: [utter gibberish] ♪ Aaaaaaannndddd... ♪ [drop to the ground] ♪ Dismount! ♪

Miss Priss: That was wonderful! I... I feel... reborn!

SpongeBob: Does that mean you're not sending us to the Slammer?

Miss Priss: Of course, my dear boy. I'm a kind, gentle fish. And I owe it all to you.

SpongeBob: Don't forget the spatula! [Mr. Krabs, Miss Priss, Al, and others laugh. Al goes towards Miss Priss]

Miss Priss: Don't push it, Al.

Plankton: [lifts bun from a Krabby Patty] Darn it! Argh! Once again, so close and yet so far! When am I gonna-- Oh! [He hides in the patty as Miss Priss picks it up]

Miss Priss: Well, I think I'll have another one. [bites it, revealing Plankton]

Plankton: Oh dear. [He screams as Miss Priss goes for a second bite. A "The End" card is shown and a gulp sound can be heard]

Stanley S. SquarePants (20.2)

Mr. Krabs: What in the name of Neptune is going on? Oh. You broke your spatula. That's a shame. I'll order a another one tomorrow, boy.

SpongeBob: [Screaming] NO! NO! NO! I didn't break my spatula. He did! And I also didn't burn your money. He did that, too! I have been covering for him because he can't do ANYTHING right!!

Stanley: He's right! I destroy everything I touch! [runs off crying]

Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute... I know the perfect job for you! [bubble transition]

SpongeBob: [next day] Good luck on your new job, cousin Stanley!

Stanley: Thanks! I bet I'll be even better in this one!

Plankton: Good morning, Mr. SquarePants!

Stanley: Morning, boss.

Plankton: I can't believe it! That fool Krabs hiring the blood relative of his best worker! [big explosion as Mr. Krabs watches through windows] Well, that's the end of me.

Stanley: Sorry, boss.