List of ''One Foot in the Grave'' episodes

Sixty-year-old Victor Meldrew is made to retire from his job as a security guard after 26 years; he is replaced by a box and a recorded message. As he contemplates his future at home, he is visited by Nick Swainey from the Outward Bound Scheme for the elderly. Victor has a job interview, but arrives late.

A young female window cleaner accuses Victor of flashing her when, through his bathroom window, she sees him naked and drying his genitals with a flannel.

Victor's cousin Geoffrey, who had also just taken early retirement at age 60, dies of a heart attack, and the Meldrews attend his atheist funeral. Jehovah's Witnesses visit the Meldrews.

The Meldrews attend a fitness class, during which the instructor dies.

Victor is mugged whilst taking a photograph. He tries to scrub insulting graffiti off the outside of the his house. He finds a dead stray cat in the freezer and dumps it in a skip.

Mrs Burkett visits to collect items for an upcoming jumble sale; Margaret invites her to take things from the loft which she had put aside for the sale. Victor closes the loft hatch, unaware that Mrs Burkett is in there. He calls a plumber because of frequent banging which Victor thinks is coming from the radiators. The plumber says that the thermostat is faulty and that he will return in three days to fix it.

Victor heads a Neighbourhood Watch meeting at his house, where he shows the attendees a starting pistol which he carries to scare off attackers. He goes to a street market where he takes a jacket which he says is his. He meets Mrs Warboys, who shows him a grenade which her dog dug out of her garden. She removes the pin, so Victor throws it onto a bowling green, then lays on the floor. Two youths think he is having a heart attack and try to 'revive' him; Victor thinks they are attacking him so he repels them. Margaret gives him his jacket which the police recovered and returned.

Margaret is pleased when Victor takes up painting—until she discovers that he has been painting a nude model named Doreen (Gillian Barge) and driving her home afterwards. Margaret suspects that Victor is having sex with Doreen.

Before the Meldrews can leave for their holiday in Athens, they must cope with Victor's fear of flying and Mrs Warboys' food poisoning.

A very tall man (Clive Mantle) reads their electricity meter; when he takes his shoes off they are accidentally taken to Oxfam, so Victor gives him a pair of his uncle's very large shoes.

Victor wrongly assumes that a man who is sitting in a wheelchair is unable to walk and wheels him around and carries him up flights of stairs, until he stands up and tells Victor that it is his wife's wheelchair.

Victor writes a script for a new sitcom, but nobody else finds it funny. Margaret also catches dramatic fever: she joins an amateur dramatic society and gets invited to local thespian Desiree Gibson (Fleur Chandler)'s Bergerac party.

Victor and Margaret are puzzled when a couple named Patrick and Pippa visit as they have no idea who they are; then Margaret remembers that they are their next-door neighbours who have been on holiday for a month.

Victor is annoyed by a toy dinosaur salesman who comes to the house. Margaret befriends lonely elderly blind Albert (Jimmy Jewel). After burglars kill him in his flat, it is discovered that he was to have new locks fitted, but instead used his money to buy toy dinosaurs.

The Meldrews are on holiday, staying with old friends Vince (Stephen Lewis) and April (Georgina Hale) in their boarding house on the south coast. During the weekend a set of unfortunate coincidences leave each member of the couple thinking they have been unfaithful.

Victor is unable to sleep, so he keeps Margaret awake. He (almost) gets desperate enough to open last year's Christmas present from Ronnie and Mildred and puts his foot into a rotting hedgehog.

Victor's wrong-number entry in a catalogue's order column results in the accidental delivery of 263 3-foot-tall garden gnomes.

As Victor's feud with Patrick—now an expectant father—continues, they communicate via Post-it Notes. Victor learns that the horse manure that he bought for his allotment is radioactive. Pregnant Pippa attends an office party.

In a coffee shop, Mrs Warboys tells the story of how Margaret went missing following a series of haunting dreams in which she murders someone who looks exactly like Victor.

A day out turns into a nightmare for the Meldrews and Mrs Warboys when the Bank Holiday traffic comes to a standstill on the motorway and they spend four hours trapped in their car staring at a horse's backside. Attempting to lighten the mood with music, Victor find a song about him (to the tune of Cwn Rhondda) sung by his car mechanics.

Mr Swainey returns from holiday with an gift of a scorpion paperweight. The thieves who burgled the Meldrews' house ring up asking for help programming the video recorder they stole from the Meldrews.

Victor is pleased to start a job as the doorman at upmarket hotel—until he is insulted by a rich snob arriving in an obvious toupee, so Victor throws it down a drain and goes home.

Mrs Warboys organizes a trip to the BBC to watch a TV show being filmed. She knocks a window cleaner off his ladder outside her house without noticing and the Meldrews take him to and from the studio, wrongly assuming that he is her cousin, Wilfred, who is staying with her.

The Meldrews unsuccessfully try to fend off a visit from Ronnie (Gordon Peters) and Mildred (Jean Challis).

The Meldrews receive a surprise visit from Mr Foskett (Brian Murphy), whom they know only because they stayed in the same guest house 17 years ago.

Someone has been tampering with Victor's Christmas crackers.

Mrs Warboys and her budgerigar stay with the Meldrews because her house is severely flooded.

Victor enjoys receiving reflexology from a woman, having being recommended her by Big Jeff in the chip shop. Margaret informs Victor that the woman is a prostitute who rubbed the soles of his feet with her breasts.

Mrs Warboys has a wax model of herself made as the prize from a competition. She dislikes it, so she throws it away.

Victor is angry with a locksmith, so he locks him in his own porch.

Margaret and Pippa send Victor and Patrick to an Armenian restaurant to try to bury the hatchet, but their plan fails. The staff wrongly assume that the two men are having an affair.

Victor wrongly thinks that Pippa is having an affair, until he finds out that the man is her brother.

Victor restores a Dutch marionette. Margaret becomes jealous of it and microwaves it.

Margaret tells Victor that she was made redundant yesterday, due to the closure of the shop she worked in.

Mr Swainey is attracted to his mother's nurse Tania (Anita Chellamah). Margaret encourages him to ask Tania out, but after he makes plans for a date, Margaret tells him that she saw Tania with another man.

When Cousin Ursula dies, Victor and Margaret must clear out her country house; before they go, a witch predicts an untimely end for Victor.

A man (Ray Winstone) whom the Meldrews find living in their shed turns out to be a drug dealer. Victor takes a gardening job working for Patrick's new boss, Fenella Fortune (Rula Lenska) and dealing with very effective herbicide. Mr Swainey's mother claims that she is being abducted by aliens every night.