Stop in the Name of Love [3.01]

Willie: Kate, this lasagna looks really great!

ALF: Very well worth the interminable wait.

Willie: I asked you twice to stop doing that.

ALF: What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.

Willie: You know what I mean. Rhyming everything I say.

ALF: No problem, Willie. Have it your way.

Willie: Kate?! [Kate enters] Kate, he's doing it again.

Kate: What?

Willie: He's rhyming the last word of everything I say. Go ahead, ALF. [to Kate] He's been doing it all day! Now he's got me doing it!

Lynn: [comes home, angry] WHAT A CREEP! I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN. [after Lynn heads upstairs in a huff]

Willie: I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.

Kate: We should go see if she's all right. [she leaves and Willie gets up]

ALF: Oh, sure. When Kate makes a rhyme, it's no big deal. [Willie stares at him, then leaves] Just for that, I'm eating your meal. [he takes Willie's lasagna]

[ALF comes in the kitchen with a razor while Willie is fixing a machine that has a banana peel inside]

ALF: Hey, Willie. When's the last time you changed the blades in this razor?

Willie: Oh, my razor is-- Uhh? [grabs the razor from ALF and sees ALF's hair on it] Why were you shaving?

ALF: According to Shelley, women like clean-shaven men.

Willie: [furiously looks too close at ALF's face] DON'T EVER TOUCH ANYTHING THAT TOUCHES MY FACE.

Lynn: ALF! [comes in angrily] HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

ALF: I couldn't find my own roll-on.

Kate: Lynn, what's wrong?

Lynn: I HAVE GOT A DATE TO GO BOWLING WITH DONNY DUCKSWORTH, THE GEEKIEST GUY IN SCHOOL, THANKS TO MY BROTHER, ALF.

Willie: Your brother?

Lynn: That's what he told Donny when he called him on the phone.

ALF: You wanted me to.

Lynn: I DID NOT WANT TO!

ALF: Well, you said you liked the guy.

Lynn: I said I liked Danny Duckworth. You called Donny his cousin.

ALF: Danny, Donny, Florence, Shelley, I'm getting a headache. I think I'll go lie down.

Kate: Hold it right there bro, I think you have one more phone call to make this thing straighten down out.

Lynn: It's too late, Mom. Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.

ALF: That was my idea! I hope you like paisley!

Stairway to Heaven [3.02]

ALF: [comes in the house] Oh, holy-owned subsidiary. You think your shin hurts, Wilco. Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.

Brian: Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father?

Willie: Certainly, son.

Brian: Thank you.

ALF: Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?

Kate: Save room for the crème brûlée everyone.

Lynn: Oh, I, for one, certainly will.

ALF: Well, excuse me for bleeding. [leaves the dining room] What is this, freeze out the reckless alien?

Willie: What a lot of food. There's certainly going to be a lot left.

Brian: We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.

ALF: Right. We'd eat the dog in one sitting. [laughs] ! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on Tanners, talk to me.

Bob: They can't seem to hear you, ALF.

ALF: [screams] Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house! I've been unveiled!

Bob: They can't see me, either.

ALF: Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.

Bob: Believe me now.

ALF: No, I don't believe any of this, who are you?

Bob: My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.

ALF: Right, I'm the Easter alien.

[ALF wakes up from his dream to find that he had simply been unconscious for the past few hours]

Kate: Are you all right?

ALF: Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!

Brian: We worried about you.

ALF: Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!

Lynn: Who's Bob?

ALF: My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.

Kate: ALF, you were just dreaming.

Willie: We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.

Lynn: Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.

Willie: I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.

ALF: Well, you know I kicked the bucket?

Willie: ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.

ALF: Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?

Lynn: No.

ALF: It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?

Lynn: Are you sure you're all right? Hey, what could be wrong?

ALF: I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart-- [glass shattering] Don't thank me.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do [3.03]

Raquel: [comes in, angrily] THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Willie: What do you mean, Raquel?

Raquel: Calling everybody about Trevor and me. JUST BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS MY BUSINESS DOESN'T MEAN MY BUSINESS IS ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS, SO WOULD YOU MIND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

Willie: Well, I certainly didn't tell anyone. I know Kate wouldn't tell anyone. You didn't tell anyone, did you, Kate?

Kate: Of course not.

Willie: Kate didn't tell anyone.

Raquel: Well, somebody told the Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans. SO THE NEXT TIME THAT YOU WANT TO DRAG SOMEBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY THROUGH THE SUBURBAN MUD, TRY YOUR OWN. OR BETTER YET, MRS. HOLBUTS. SHE JUST HAD A NOSE JOB, YOU KNOW. [furiously leaves the house]

Willie: Do these names ring a bell? The Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans?

ALF: What was the question?

Willie: Before I pull every hair out of your neck, I want to ask you something. Did you call those people and tell them about Trevor and Raquel?

ALF: I decline to answer on the grounds that I need my neck hair.

Willie: [angrily] YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, ALF!

ALF: In other words, you disapprove of what I've done.

Willie: Wholeheartedly. I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us, but what you're doing is just making things worse.

ALF: You're right, Willie. How could I have been so blind? You know, I've only been thinking of myself.

Willie: You're not just saying this because of that neck hair business?

ALF: No, no, I mean it. I've seen the error of my ways and will Endeavor to do better.

Willie: Well, thank you.

ALF: No. Thank you, Willie. Thank you.

Tonight, Tonight [3.04-3.05]

[Dr. Joyce Brothers and Joan Embry have both walked off the show]

Ed McMahon: Nice going, ALF. You're two for two. Why don't you get the Pope out here and try for a shutout?

ALF: HA! Good one Driver's Ed! Ha! [knocks over Johnny's mug]

Ed McMahon: Ooh! You broke Johnny's cup!

ALF: Hey, that's nothing. You should see what I did to his dressing room.

Ed McMahon: I've never seen Johnny's dressing room. I mean, I'm not allowed.

Promises, Promises [3.06]

Lynn: ALF, you scared me. What are you doing?

ALF: What am I doing? What are you doing? What happened to Randy?

Lynn: That wasn't Randy, that was someone else.

ALF: Yeah. Someone who looks like a certain aging substitute novelist. Who shall remain last-nameless.

Lynn: Ok, so it was Eddie. He just happened to be at the party, see--

ALF: Yeah, yeah, and I just fell off the garbanzo truck. Come on. This is the old ALFer. What gives?

Lynn: Okay, I haven't really been dating Randy. I've only been tutoring him for an hour in English each night and then going to meet Eddie.

ALF: An hour a night? That's barely enough time for Randy to turn his book right side up.

Lynn: ALF, please, don't tell Mom and Dad about this yet, ok? I know they'll like Eddie.

ALF: They just need some time to adjust. Don't tell them? You want me to lie?

Lynn: No! No, you don't have to lie. Just don't bring it up. That's not lying.

ALF: Egad! What a loophole.

Lynn: It's not like I'm never going to tell them. I just--I need to wait for the right moment. You know, like when they're in a really, really good mood.

ALF: Yeah, well, let me know when that happens. And I'll tell them about the untimely demise of Kate's porcelain ballerina.

Lynn: You broke mom's porcelain ballerina?

ALF: Yeah. We were dancing the pas de duex from swan lake, and I dropped her in the toilet.

Lynn: [comes in] Yes, father? Hello, mother.

Willie: Lynn, I want you to speak to ALF.

ALF: Civilly, please.

Lynn: ALF who?

Willie: Speak to him or have your telephone privileges taken away.

Lynn: You want me to speak to him? Fine, I'll speak to him. Have you told mom yet that you broke her ballerina?

Kate: My ballerina?

ALF: You squealer!

Kate: My porcelain ballerina?

ALF: That was supposed to be a secret.

Kate: My wedding present porcelain ballerina?

Lynn: Well, you told my secret first.

ALF: But that just slipped out.

Kate: My original, one of a kind, impossible to duplicate porcelain ballerina?

ALF: Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds when you say it over and over? Ballerina, ballerina, ballerina.

Willie: All right, everyone, stop, cease, desist. I want you to apologize to each other, and I want you to put all of this behind us. Fine. Lynn, go to your room. You, go to the garage.

Lynn: Fine. [leaves]

ALF: Kate, I'm sorry I broke your wedding present. I was going to tell you.

Kate: Really? When?

ALF: I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.

Turkey in the Straw [3.07-3.08]

Changes [3.09]

ALF: Can I have Willie's meatloaf, Kate?

Kate: No!

ALF: Fine. If Willie isn't home by midnight, then can I have his meatloaf?

[Willie comes in]

Kate: Hi, honey.

Willie: Hi, everybody.

Lynn: Hi, dad.

Brian: Hi, dad.

ALF: Can I have your meatloaf?

Lynn: No.

Kate: Let Willie answer.

ALF: Willie?

Willie: No.

ALF: Shoot!

Kate: How was the union meeting?

Willie: Well, they elected me picket captain. What does that tell you?

Lynn: Oh, you're going on strike?

Willie: I'm afraid so. Just the thought of it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

ALF: Then meatloaf would only make you more queasy. [he was about to grab it but Willie takes his meatloaf away from him]

ALF: [comes in the room] Question.

Willie: Perhaps I spoke too soon.

ALF: Bottom line. I'm concerned about how this strike is gonna affect everyone, especially me.

Kate: Spoken like a true humanitarian.

ALF: I know. And I have the solution in 5 simple words, Willie gets another kob.

Willie: That's 4 words.

ALF: Good. I ran out of fingers.

Kate: As a matter of fact, I was just thinking that I should go back to work.

ALF: [laughs] Good one, Kate!

Kate: I have always worked, ALF. I sold real estate, by choice, until I got pregnant with Lynn, by choice. I went back to work, by choice, until I got pregnant with Brian, by choice. And I was just getting ready to go back to work, by choice, when we got you.

ALF: I have a gut feeling I'm not going to hear the words "by choice".

Willie: ALF, you know we're glad you're part of this family.

Kate: We are, ALF. Even at this inconveniently late hour.

ALF: Then isn't it time we made it official?

Willie: Made what official?

ALF: My adoption!

Willie: Oh, I don't even think we can do that. Can we? No, we can't do that.

ALF: Why not?

Willie: Well, for starters, there's that species thing.

ALF: It doesn't bother you that I don't bear the Tanner name?

Willie: No.

Kate: ALF, please. Go back to bed.

ALF: But Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?

Kate: Willie will be here.

ALF: No offense, but Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?

Willie: ALF, you're 231 years old. You should be able to take care of yourself by now.

ALF: You'd think so, wouldn't you?

My Back Pages [3.10]

ALF: [to Willie] Where did you get that shirt... Fredericks of Sri Lanka?

Willie: It was the 60s, ALF. Those clothes made a statement!

ALF: Yeah. I dressed in the dark.

ALF: What's to understand? You cut your hair, got a job, and you won't let me live in the attic.

Willie: Forget the attic! The attic is out!

ALF: Why? Do you need the storage space for your abandoned idealism?

Willie: [gets up and leaves] Good night, ALF.

ALF: Boy! Point out one major flaw in someone's belief system and they take it personally!

Alone Again, Naturally [3.11]

Betty: [referring to ALF] Not in front of the f-r-e-a-k!

ALF: [misunderstanding her spelling] Who's "Frank"?

Betty: Goodnight, my furry little goldmine!

ALF: Goodnight, Frank.

ALF: Feeling alone and being alone are two different things.

Do You Believe in Magic? [3.12]

Brian: [as he gets prepared to be sawed] ALF's gonna saw me in half.

Willie: Much worse.

Willie: You are not going to saw our son.

ALF: Yes, I am!

Kate: You are not!

[Willie takes the saw away]

ALF: But I'm ready for big time. How long does a guy have to toil in kiddie tricks?

Willie: Maybe until he completes one or 2 of them successfully.

ALF: Maybe he doesn't stand a chance. When all the diagrams favored 5 flavored magicians.

Willie: Maybe he's gotten into something a little over his head.

ALF: Maybe at 3 foot 2, everything he gets into is over his head.

Hide Away [3.13]

Willie: I'm sorry, I'm late.

ALF: Don't tell me. That new guy at work held you up again.

Willie: Yeah. Once that Jim starts talking to us, it's impossible to get away. This time I actually had my hand on the car door before he got me.

ALF: Who is this guy? The idiot son of the boss?

Willie: No, he's just an idiot.

ALF: Well, you better not be late tomorrow night. Or have you forgotten about helping me Put up the satellite dish?

Kate: What satellite dish?

ALF: Oh. I ordered a satellite dish. It'll be here tomorrow. Will you help me put it up?

Willie: I'll help you send it back.

ALF: Can't. I bought it during their "Absolutely No Refunds What Are You Deaf?" sale.

Willie: [panicking] Absolutely no refunds?!

ALF: What, are you deaf?

[Willie and Kate come in the kitchen]

Kate: ALF! How long have you been out here?

ALF: Long enough to hate little orphan whiney with every fiber of my being.

Willie: It's not his fault he's an orphan.

ALF: Wanna bet? He probably bored his parents to death.

Kate: Honey, it is time for him to go home.

Willie: I'm trying, Kate! The man cannot take a hint!

ALF: See if he can take a swift kick in the butt.

Willie: Alright, he's taken advantage of us long enough! I'm going to have to be firm with him!

ALF: "Firm?" Oh-h-h! I haven't you this worked up since the time you were "adamant." [Willie leaves the kitchen] Too rough? [Kate walks away]

Fight Back [3.14]

ALF: Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente. Cooked to a golden amber, and served piping hot on a gently-warmed plate. [Kate puts the waffle on his plate] How does she do it?

Lynn: Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?

ALF: On waffles? How gauche. Get me the garlic salt?

Willie: [sees Jake come in the garage] Oh, hello, Jake.

Jake: Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.

ALF: What brings you over, Jake-Speare?

Jake: Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are showing slides from their trip to Carlsbad caverns. All 400 of them.

Willie: I've seen those. 216 stalactites. 184 stalagmites.

Jake: Those are the ones. Still having car trouble, huh?

ALF: Yeah, but have no fear. It's being handled by Mr. No-Goodwrench.

Jake: Mind if I take a look?

Willie: Be my guest. I got a hunch it's the distributor.

ALF: Well, that rules out the distributor!

Jake: No, here's your problem. It's the spark plug wire. I'll have it fixed in no time.

Willie: Well, thanks, Jake.

ALF: Don't be embarrassed, Willie.

Willie: Oh, I'm not embarrassed.

ALF: Not everybody can fix things.

Willie: I'm not embarrassed.

ALF: I'm sure there are several things you could do that--

Willie: I'm not embarrassed.

Jake: Ok, Mr. Tanner. Start her up when I say now. Ok, now. [car engine starts]

ALF: Now are you embarrassed?

[car engine stops]

Willie: Jake, what can I say? Thank you.

ALF: You never thank me when I humiliate you.

Jake: You know, I can't be sure, but it looks like somebody cut that wire on purpose, then just patched it together real loose. Has anybody been under the hood lately?

ALF: Don't look at me. I just honked the horn.

Willie: Well, I have been taking the car to a new mechanic lately, but I-

ALF: There's your problem. The guy's a crook.

Willie: Oh, ALF, don't jump to conclusions like that.

ALF: No, I saw it on 60 Minutes. These mechanics fix one thing, Then they break something else so you keep coming back.

Jake: You know, ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner. I've heard of that scam, too, on that David Horowitz Show.

Willie: Well, why don't I just give the garage a call? There must be a simple explanation for this broken wire.

ALF: Yeah, you got took. Conned. Nicked and clipped. You got your horn swoggled and your film flamed.

Suspicious Minds [3.15]

[ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley]

ALF: I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.

Willie: I'm not convinced.

ALF: OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.

Willie: ALF, you are grasping at straws.

ALF: [shouts] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.

Aaron King: ALF, I've had it with this Elvis thing. Look, I'll prove it to you!

[Aaron pulls out his guitar and starts performing "Heartbreak Hotel" for ALF]

ALF: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!, no wonder your baby left you if you've been singing like that!. Stinkaroni.

Aaron King: Are you convinced I'm not Elvis?

ALF: You just need a little more practice, you've been dead for a while.

Aaron King: Look, I wish I was Elvis buddy, but I'm just a truck driver from Tupelo, and that's as close as I'll ever get to being The King.

ALF: But in my heart, I will always know you as Elvis.

Willie: Even if this man were Elvis Presley and I assure you he's not, he'll never admit it.

ALF: I bet I can get it out of him.

Willie: [yelling] LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!!!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!

ALF: So what are you saying? leave the man alone?

Aaron King: What the heck are you???

ALF: I ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Aaron King: Hound dogs don't talk!!!

ALF: Neither do dead singers.

Baby Love [3.16]

[after ALF sneezes, Lynn comes in the room]

ALF: Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?

Lynn: What is the matter with you?

ALF: I'm allergic to babies.

Lynn: ALF, that is ridiculous.

ALF: Oh, yeah? Watch. [sneezes 3 times] See, allergic to babies.

Kate: [comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.

ALF: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.

Kate: What?

ALF: I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]

Kate: We will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]

ALF: [sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.

[ALF is at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks]

Jake: ALF, what are you doing in here?

ALF: I've run away from garage.

Jake: What are you talking about?

ALF: Well, I can't run away from home, because I don't have a home anymore.

Jake: What happened?

ALF: I'm allergic to babies. Kate's having one, she won't let me sell it. Ergo, I go.

Jake: You can't stay here, it's too risky. Come on, I'll take you back to the Tanners. [grabs ALF but he refuses to move] You're heavier than you look.

ALF: I have big bones. So, which side of the bed do you want?

Jake: ALF, you can't live in my room. What if aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor see you?

ALF: Good point. Let's get a place at the beach.

Jake: ALF, we can't be roommates. It just wouldn't work out.

ALF: We'll get along fine. I'll be the sloppy one.

Running Scared [3.17]

Kate: Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?

Willie: Yeah, going on three years now.

Kate: No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.

Willie: Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.

Kate: Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!

Trevor: Hey, Tanners! It's me!

Willie: Morning.

Trevor: Good morning. I'll take it.

Kate: Take what?

Trevor: Your house! [he holds up a sign he found on the front yard]

Willie: [reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?

Trevor: Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.

Willie: No. I mean, we're not selling the house.

Kate: Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.

Trevor: Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel.

Standing in the Shadows of Love [3.18]

[ALF and Jake are playing Monopoly]

ALF: Jake. Jake of diamonds. Jake K-L-M-N-O-P. [Jake rolls the dice] Are you still thinking about that girl?

Jake: Ever since I saw her star in that school play, I can't think of nothin' else.

ALF: What do they call this temptress?

Jake: Her name is... Laura.

ALF: And how does... Laura... feel about... Jake?

Jake: She doesn't know I'm alive!

ALF: No problem! You walk up to her and say: "Hi, I'm Jake Ockhmonek, feel my pulse."

Jake: Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her.

Superstition [3.19]

[ALF is cooking his breakfast at the stove]

Willie: [walks in the kitchen] Morning.

ALF: Morning, Willie, Kate.

Kate: Hi, ALF.

Willie: What are you cooking?

ALF: It's a surprise.

Willie: Oh, no.

ALF: Relax, it's just my June bug scallopini.

Kate: Hence the crackling noise.

Willie: You're frying June bugs?

ALF: Please, Willie. You fry caterpillars. June bugs you sautee.

Willie: [closes the pan] Go sit. [ALF walks away]

Lynn: [comes in] Good morning.

Kate: Hi, Lynnie.

Lynn: Mmm, what smells so good?

ALF: June bug scaloppini.

Lynn: I'll grab juice.

Kate: ALF, do you have something in the oven?

ALF: Brian's history book.

Willie: What?

ALF: Someone accidentally knocked it into his fish tank, Willie.

Willie: I didn't do it!

ALF: I didn't say you did. I did it. So I put it in the oven to dry.

Lynn: Dad, he's kidding.

[Willie takes Brain's history book from the oven]

ALF: Oh, no! No! I'm-I'm doomed!

Kate: You got that right.

ALF: For Melmackians, It's bad luck to destroy a history book.

Lynn: You mean bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?

ALF: Worse. Bad luck like jilting a mafia princess.

Lynn: ALF, that is just silly.

[Kate screams as the pan starts to get on fire]

ALF: June bug flamb?

Brian: [sees his burned history book in the sink] My history book is history.

ALF: My life is history. I'm an accursed Melmackian. I belong in the realm of the- Gosh darned.

Kate: Gosh darned?

ALF: Ours was a polite society.

Brian: I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?

ALF: Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.

Willie: That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"

ALF: Wait. I don't make fun of your stupid planet. Electoral college.

Lynn: How long is this curse thing supposed to last?

ALF: I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck followed by 7 years of really bad luck.

Torn Between Two Lovers [3.20]

ALF: Let's call Kate again.

Willie: Why?

ALF: I forgot to tell her that I washed her new sweater. [holds up a tiny, shrunken sweater] On second thought, that can be a surprise.

Funeral for a Friend [3.21]

[ALF and Brian are looking at a book about animals]

Brian: What's this one called?

ALF: A platypus.

Brian: It's ugly.

ALF: Bri, I'm looking for a pet, Not a date to the prom.

Willie: [walks over to ALF and Brian] What are you guys looking at?

Brian: It's a book about animals of the world. ALF's trying to decide which one he wants to get for a pet.

Willie: We already have a cat.

ALF: But you told me never to play with my food!

Willie: Why do you want a pet?

ALF: Why does anyone want a pet? The ultimate in power trips.

Brian: Bugs him that I'm taller than he is now.

Willie: Well, power trips aside, there's no room in this house for another pet, just at the moment.

ALF: Precisely why I'm leaning towards a pet we could keep outside. I.E. you're basic barnyard horse. Here's the '89 Mustang.

Willie: We won't be getting a horse or any other barnyard. Type animal, for that matter, thank you.

ALF: Let's wait until after dinner, to broach the buffalo.

[ALF is eating all the picnic leftovers]

Willie: [comes in] I see you found the picnic leftovers.

ALF: It's amazing! I almost got my appetite back.

Willie: Amazing. You ate all that chicken?

ALF: Yeah. I didn't even want the last 2 pieces. It was just the momentum.

Willie: Well, you seem to be back to your old self.

ALF: I guess I still have this dull ache inside.

Willie: You've been through a great deal of pain in the last 24 hours, ALF. It's just your body responding to that.

ALF: Nah, I think it's Kate's potato salad. I've had problems with it before! [belches loudly]

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark [3.22]

[ALF is in Brian's room helping Brian pack]

ALF: Sleeping bag.

Brian: Yeah.

ALF: Poncho.

Brian: Yeah.

ALF: Mess kit.

Brian: It's in the closet. I'll get it.

ALF: Brian?

Brian: What?

ALF: What's a mess kit?

Brian: It's got a knife and a fork and some pans. I got it.

ALF: Why don't you pack some important stuff, like tacoroni?

Brian: I don't care. Pack whatever you want.

ALF: I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.

Brian: Huh?

ALF: How come you don't want to go camping? Can you keep a secret?

Brian: No, but there's a first time for everything. I'm scared to. It's going to be dark out there.

ALF: Oh, yeah. But there'll be lots of other kids around.

Brian: That's even worse. They'll think I'm a baby.

ALF: Well, just tell Willie, then. He'll take off his glasses, rub his nose, and tell you you don't have to go.

Brian: I know, but he loves camping. He'll be real disappointed if he finds out I don't want to go.

Jake: Where don't you want to go?

ALF: Camping with the badger scouts.

Jake: Bright boy.

ALF: Tell him there's no reason to be scared.

Brian: That was a secret, ALF.

ALF: So revoke my security clearance.

Jake: You know, I never went camping myself, but back in New York, I heard about this one scout troop. They camped in Central Park and were never heard from again. [laughs at Brian]

Brian: Thanks a lot.

ALF: Why don't we camp out in the backyard tomorrow night? I'll show you that it's not scary, just boring.

Brian: I don't know.

ALF: We'll stay up as late as we want, go to bed without brushing our teeth, eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by products.

Brian: Yeah.

ALF: Come on, B. Live a little. You can come too, Jake.

Jake: No thanks. I got a life.

Brian: Might be fun. Sleeping outside.

Jake: I like ceilings.

ALF: Breathing clean, fresh air.

Jake: In Los Angeles?

ALF: Being right under Lynn's window?

Jake: What do you want I should bring?

ALF: Oh, and no more scary stories, Jake.

Jake: Well, just one more. The headless stockbroker.

ALF: Forget it.

Jake: Oh, where's Brian?

ALF: Oh, no! He's been gleaming hooked!

Jake: Maybe he's in the tent.

ALF: Hey, he is in here. He's sleeping.

Jake: So much for being afraid of the dark.

ALF: Well, my work here is done. See you at brunch.

Jake: Wait! What if he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees you deserted him?

ALF: Cover for me.

Jake: Come on, ALF. Brian's counting on you.

ALF: I hate being a role model! Here, sluggy. Here I come. Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy. I'll be in my sleeping bag. Good sluggy. Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?

Jake: Nobody gets tucked in in the wilderness!

ALF: Well, at least zip me up! [Jake zips up his sleeping bag] Hey, hey, watch the fur!

Jake: It's for your own protection. We don't want any slugs getting in, do we?

ALF: Zip it up over my head.

Jake: Good night, ALF.

ALF: Good night, John boy.

Jake: It's right after the stock market crashed. There was this headless stockbroker! [laughs]

ALF: You know, Jake? There are places you can go for that.

Jake: Party pooper.

[when the cat is meowing, ALF tries to escape but he is stuck in his zipped sleeping bag]

ALF: This is the worst night of my life! [tries to get up but falls asleep]

Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow? [3.23]

ALF: There must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother. We're best friends! Blood brothers! Two sides of the same double-stuffed Oreo…I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.

ALF: For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.

Jake: Yeah? Then how come I feel so crummy?

ALF: You ate Kate's cooking last night, remember?

Like an Old Time Movie [3.24]

Willie: Oh, come on, everybody. We'll be late. Let's go. I got your tie, B.

ALF: Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.

Brian: How come?

ALF: You'll have a better chance of catching the bridal squid.

Lynn: On Earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.

ALF: Then why get married?

Lynn: Good point.

ALF: Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.

Kate: You're not giving away my Tupperware.

ALF: Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.

Willie: I've rented you these tapes, ALF, to keep you occupied and to keep you out of trouble.

ALF: Oh, not Ishtar again.

Willie: No, these are classics. You've never seen these. This one is the Sheik with Rudolph Valentino. And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.

ALF: Kick the TV, Willie. The color's gone out.

Willie: No, these are black and white movies, ALF.

ALF: How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound. I can't hear the actors. These movies are silent. I might as well be reading.

ALF: So I say, "Psst, you're eating footwear!" [laughs] I love that scene! Brilliant!

Jake: It was in a Charlie Chaplin movie.

ALF: So what, Jake hammer? Haven't you heard the old saying, "Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism"? Suddenly there's a knock at the door.

Jake: It's Jake Ochmonek, the next-door neighbor.

ALF: [imitates buzzer] Wrong!

Shake, Rattle and Roll [3.25]

ALF: [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey. [opens fridge] Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this? [picks a note off the food and reads it] "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this? [throws away the note] Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes. [as he does this an earthquake starts] Has the hunter angered the gods? Whoa! Okay, I won't eat pork.

Brian: [opens the cabinet] I found him!

Willie: ALF, are you ok?

Lynn: He doesn't look good.

Kate: It looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something! Anything!

ALF: Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- [Willie slaps him] Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.

Willie: Your eyes are closed.

ALF: Oh.

Willie: Here, let me help you.

ALF: Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, but I had nothing to do with this mess.

Kate: We know, ALF. We know.

ALF: You do?

Lynn: We had an earthquake.

ALF: I see.

Brian: And it was a good one.

ALF: What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it?

Willie: Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF. You see, the crust of our planet is made of plates of layered rock that are in continual movement. Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, it's released through--

ALF: Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Kate, the short strokes, please.

Kate: You remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?

Willie: Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.

Kate: Look, we just had an earthquake, and we are all fine. We just have to remember to be prepared and follow some basic safety rules.

ALF: Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!

Having My Baby [3.26]

ALF: [singing] This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our kid, [baby drops] and this is how we drop it.

Lynn: What are you doing?

ALF: Practicing for when the baby comes. How well do earth children bounce?

Lynn: Not very.

ALF: Then what do people mean when they say "Bouncing baby boy"?

Lynn: It's an expression, not a suggestion. Here, this is how you do it. You put the diaper on like this and you fold it over like this and you fasten it here and here. Like this. See? Here, now you try it.

ALF: It's used now, yuck!

[ALF is at home meeting with baby Eric]

ALF: So anyway, the Tanners decided I could stay. And here I am. It's not a bad place to live, actually. Kate takes a little getting used to, but you probably already figured that part out. Well, Willie said he needed me to help teach you about stuff. So I thought I'd start with the most important thing, these are the channel control buttons.