Working My Way Back to You [2.01]

[ALF is showing Brian how to play Skleenball]

ALF: The game of Skleenball is very simple, Brian. You just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket. Aw, missed!

Brian: Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game?

ALF: No! Does Marvin Haggler eat his trunks after a fight?

Kate: [comes in] Okay, who dumped my clean laundry on the floor?

ALF: Brian.

Brian: Well, ALF told me to and then we can play skleenball.

ALF: It's not nice to rat on your friends.

Kate: What's skleenball?

ALF A picture's worth a thousand words.

[the frame falls down]

Kate: That picture was worth a thousand dollars.

ALF: Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.

Kate: [picks up the ripped frame] I am tired of your breaking things. If this happens once more, you will be living in the garage.

ALF: From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own.

Kate: Treat it as if it were my house, and don't break anything! [goes inside the kitchen with the ripped frame] Cheap frame! [feels the ripped piece] I guess it can be repaired.

ALF: Heads up! [the picture rips another piece and Kate looks at ALF] Oops.

Trevor: Hi Tanner, who painted your fence? It looks great!

Willie: I don't what you're talking about. [walks over to the window] Wow! That looks great.

Trevor: So who painted it?

Willie: Uhhh...

Lynn: Happy birthday, Dad.

Trevor: Oh, it's your birthday present. I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.

Willie: No, I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.

Trevor: So, how old are you?

Willie: I'll be 45 in August.

Trevor: That's 6 months away. It ain't your birthday. You just had your fence painted to keep up with the Ochmonek's. Well I'm not gonna tell you where I brought my fluorescent flamingos.

Willie: We blew it.

Trevor: Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.

Brian: Mom didn't make it.

Trevor: Who did?

Brian: Our manservant.

Trevor: You got a manservant?

Willie: Just for the week.

Trevor: Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.

Kate: You have our word.

Trevor: Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner. Hey, listen. Have jeeves, give me a jingle. I might want him to paint my flamingos. [he gets a banana and leaves the house]

Willie: Will do.

Somewhere Over the Rerun (a.k.a.) The Ballad of Gilligan's Island [2.02]

Kate: [comes in the kitchen] Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.

Willie: It's probably clogged with ALF's hair again. He refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.

Kate: No, it's the faucet. There's no water coming out.

Willie: There's no water here either.

ALF: [outside] Hey, could you turn that off? I'm losing pressure out here.

Willie: Say, what exactly are you doing out there?

ALF: It's a surprise.

Willie: He said surprise.

Kate: The dreaded "s" word.

Willie: ALF, what are you---

ALF: Watch out Willie, it's a little slippery.

Willie: Whoa! [falls into the lagoon]

ALF: Surprise! Well, what do you think?

Kate: I don't believe it!

ALF: Willie's swimming in the lagoon I built. It's just like the one on Gilligan's Island. From now on, life around here will be much more exciting. [Willie screams] See, it's exciting already.

Willie: How would you like to be buried at sea?

ALF: You're not happy about this, are you?

Kate: Just tell us why you did it.

ALF: It was Willie's idea.

Willie: What?

ALF: Don't try to worm your way out of this one. You said we'd build a lagoon.

Willie: I said we'd build a little lagoon, not the Great Tanner Reef!

ALF: Okay, I misunderstood. I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.

Willie: A boo-boo? [pause] I want my yard back the way it was. I want trees I can trim. I want grass I can mow. [angrily] NO WATER, NO HUT! AND YOU ARE GOING TO STAY RIGHT HERE UNTIL I GET IT! HAD I MADE THAT SELF CLEAR!

ALF: What? Are you talking to me?

[ALF wakes up and has a dream on Gilligan's Island]

ALF: Gilligan's Island. I'm in rerun heaven.

Gilligan: Bet I catch a big one.

Skipper: [hat flies off] Gilligan!

Gilligan: Skipper, what happened to your hat?

Skipper: You're using it for bait.

[ALF gasps]

Gilligan: I'll get it back to you, Skipper, don't worry. [puts on Skipper's hat for him and water comes out]

Skipper: Gilligan! You idiot!

ALF: [laughs] You guys are hilarious. Encore, encore, ya!

Skipper: Who are you?

ALF: I'm ALF, your biggest fan. I worship the sand you walk on. [walks off]

Skipper: Where did you come from?

ALF: Melmac.

Gilligan: Melmac, is that anywhere near Bora Bora?

ALF: Ha! You guys never stop. Hey, where are the others?

Skipper: What others?

ALF: You know.

Skipper: Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?

Gilligan: Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?

Skipper: I just said that, Gilligan.

Gilligan: I thought it sounded familiar. [hat thump]

ALF: [laughs] Oh I never get tired of that. [laughs]

Gilligan: I get tired of it.

Mary Ann: [arrives] Gilligan! Skipper! Oh, lunch is ready. I see we have another visitor.

ALF: It's Mary Ann. And lunch. Two of my favorite things.

Gilligan: Mary Ann this is ALF. He's from Melmac.

Mary Ann: How come everybody can get to this island and none of us can ever get off?

Gilligan: Really? I must have overlooked the pattern. [gets hit by Skipper's hat]

[ALF laughs]

Skipper: Let's eat. Come on, ALF!

ALF: Lunch with the castaways! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Take a Look at Me Now [2.03]

[doorbell rings]

ALF: Get the front door, Willie. It may be self-evident.

Raquel: Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.

Trevor: Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.

Raquel: I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.

Lynn: A monster?

Willie: Are you going to form an angry mob?

Raquel: I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.

Lynn: What did this monster look like?

Raquel: Uh, like bigfoot -- Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.

Kate: Maybe we should go have a look.

Raquel: Good! But you go first.

Kate: Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.

Raquel: Fine! You just tell that to it!

Willie: Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.

[Lynn opens the door]

ALF: Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.

[ALF is pacing back and forth while Willie is working on his radio equipment]

Willie: Would you stop pacing, please?

ALF: Hey, I pace when I'm bored. I've been under house arrest for over a month.

Willie: It's been three days ALF.

ALF: Really? Then why did I carve thirty notches on the banister?

Willie: Because... you're a vandal.

Wedding Bell Blues [2.04]

ALF: What's all this stuff?

Lynn: It's a project for sociology. I'm putting together our family tree.

ALF: Who chopped it down? Was it me, again?

Lynn: ALF, why don't you make a family tree?

ALF: Yeah, it's a fun way to remember your ancestors.

Lynn: Well, I don't remember much.

ALF: My father was always breaking things, and my mother sat around eating all day.

Lynn: It's amazing you turned out so well.

ALF: Thanks, but sometimes I do blow my nose on the wrong towel.

ALF: I already told you. I've been branded with the worse stigma imaginable. I was born... in wedlock.

ALF: I hear you're looking for a few good monks.

ALF: Look Willie, I'm a convertible.

Willie: ALF, just face it. You're just not monk material.

ALF: Well yes I am. I came with all the qualifications. Sloth, Greed, Gluttony...

Willie: Those are the Seven Deadly Sins.

ALF: I thought the Seven Deadly Sins were those guys from Snow White.

Willie: Those are the Seven Dwarves.

ALF: We prefer to call them little people.

Prime Time [2.05]

[Willie comes in and turns off the TV]

ALF: Hey! I wanted to watch Crazy Steve tear a drumstick off that tarantula.

Willie: It's 3:00 in the morning, ALF.

ALF: What's time to a spider, Willie?

Willie: Why is the TV in here?

ALF: Because I couldn't move the refrigerator out there.

Willie: Don't touch that dial.

ALF: I love when you're assertive.

Willie: Go. Sleep. Now.

ALF: Can I just ask one bedtime question?

Willie: Yeah, what?

ALF: I saw Polka Jamboree tonight. It's really funny. Why does it get such crummy ratings?

Willie: For one thing, It's not supposed to be funny.

ALF: What's the other thing?

Willie: Nobody watches it.

Some Enchanted Evening [2.06]

Kate: Is this a pirate, or is this a pirate? Lynn?

Lynn: It's a pirate, mom.

Kate: Willie?

Willie: Definitely a pirate.

ALF: [comes in wearing a costume] Good morning.

Willie: What are you wearing?

ALF: A touch of your aftershave.

Willie: I meant those silly glasses.

ALF: Silly glasses? Look who's talking. This is my Halloween costume.

Willie: What are you supposed to be?

ALF: Gene shalit. Too obscure?

Kate: You're not planning on trick-or-treating, are you?

ALF: Are you kidding? I can't wait. I'm coming back with a bag full of candy apples, popcorn balls, and cats.

Lynn: ALF, no one's going to give you a cat.

ALF: That's right. You have to bob for cats.

ALF: Hey, you look good in Vinyl. How are you doing? Nice to meet you. Happy Halloween everybody!

Everyone: Happy Halloween!

Willie: Say, what are you doing here?

ALF: Greeting the guests. Hey, Tex! Looks like you're putting on weight there. [laughs]

Willie: Could I speak with you in the kitchen just for a moment?

ALF: Hey, not now Willie. Your pumpkin's on fire. Ha! His pumpkin is on fire!

Willie: Come here!

Bernice: Well, who is little this guy?

Willie: This is Gordon, everyone. Gordon's an old friend of our family. Bernice, don't mention his height. He's very sensitive.

ALF: Hey, cowgirl. Nice calves. Ha! Nice calves! [Willie takes him to the kitchen]

Oh, Pretty Woman [2.07]

Willie: What are you watching?

ALF: I think it's a United Nations meeting.

Willie: That's not the United Nations. It's a beauty pageant.

ALF: Are you sure? They just asked the ambassador from Spain what she would do for world peace.

Willie: She's not the ambassador. She's a contestant.

ALF: That explains why the Swedish ambassador was juggling.

Kate: [comes in the kitchen] Hi, ALF.

ALF: Hi. Hey, Kate. Do you think i'm good looking.

Kate: Yeah, sure.

ALF: Well, if you were my age would you go out with me?

Kate: Well, if we your age and if I weren't married and if we were the same species, I guess so.

ALF: Really? Where would we go?

Kate: I don't know, how about a Rocky film?

ALF: No, he hasn't been funny since he broke up with Bullwinkle. What else you got?

Kate: That was it, ALF.

ALF: It doesn't sound like you put much thought into this date.

Kate: That's because I haven't.

ALF: Well, fine! Forget the whole thing! Okay.

Kate: Fine with me.

ALF: Fine. Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. People would have just stared.

Something's Wrong With Me [2.08]

ALF: Hey, good water, Kate. Pick up some more of these tomorrow.

Kate: That water was for the wedding guests.

ALF: I only drank three of these I was trying to get rid of my hiccups.

Willie: What hiccups?

ALF: [hiccup] Those hiccups.

Kate: That is the strangest hiccup I've ever heard.

ALF: Well, here's another one.[hiccups]

Lynn: Oh, no!

ALF: Oh, [hiccups] yes. You're the first humans who've ever heard the dreaded "Melmacian" hiccups.

Willie: What is it that makes them so dreaded, besides that irritating metallic echo?

ALF: That irritating metallic echo gets louder and louder, day by day, week by week, year by, [hiccup] year.

Kate: How many years are we talking about?

ALF: I'm not sure. [hiccup] My uncle Tinkle had them for 50 years.

Kate: Tinkle?

ALF: Good idea.

[Willie and Kate come inside the garage]

Willie: Hi, ALF, how's it going? [ALF hiccups] About the same, huh?

Kate: What are you looking for?

ALF: My Melmacian Medical Encyclopedia. I might have a cure for the hiccups. Here. Hold this Willie. [gives Willie his nuclear waste from his spaceship]

Willie: What is it?

ALF: It's just nuclear waste from my spaceship. Oh hey, don't worry. Life here will exist as long as the lid doesn't pop off. [short pause] Oh, wait. These are my crayons.

Kate: What does this encyclopedia look like?

ALF: I don't remember. I only used it once.

Willie: Could this be it?

ALF: Oh yeah, that's it. The furry home companion.

Kate: Isn't it thin for an encyclopedia?

ALF: Our bodies aren't that complicated. [hiccup] We have 10 major organs. 8 of which are stomachs.

Willie: I would have guessed all 10.

ALF: [reading from the book] Let's see. Stomach aches, Stomach flu, stomach transplants. Here we are. Hiccups. Hey! All I have to do, is drink a glass of cat juice. No problem.

Kate: Cat juice?

Willie: What is Cat-Juice?

ALF: Well, it's kind of like orange juice, but instead of juicing an orange you squeeze juice a-

Willie: I don't want to hear it.

ALF: Then cover your ears [Willie covers his ears] Cat!

Willie: I heard it.

ALF: You were warned. [hiccup]

Kate: There's got to be another cure.

ALF: There is, but you don't want to hear it. It's disgusting.

Night Train [2.09]

ALF: Hey, Kate, guess what I am?

Kate: Is it something that begins with "couch", and ends with "potato"?

ALF: Cheap shot, Kate-man-du. I'm a type "T" personality.

Kate: Okay ALF, what is a type "T" personality?

ALF: According to this article, a type "T" is a thrill-seeker. Someone who looks for danger, who laughs in the face of death. [laughs]

Kate: This from the same person who watched the movie Aliens from under the couch?

ALF: Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money.

Brian: Am I a type "T"?

ALF: Well, do you enjoy hang gliding off cliffs into rock-filled gorges?

Brian: I don't know.

ALF: Well let's find out. What do you say we jump off the roof. You land feet-first, you're a wimp.

Brian: I'll go get the ladder.

Kate: No one is jumping off the roof.

ALF: Hey Kate, let me know when you let your son act like a man. Ah! Paper cut! Paper cut!

Yard Guard: Hey, get away from that train!

Willie: ALF, jump.

ALF: Run, boxcar, run! [Willie jumps into the boxcar] All aboard. Hey, I always wanted to say that.

Willie: Well you got your wish!

ALF: And you got yours, too. We're riding the rails, Willie. Ain't it grand!

Willie: No, it ain't! Now the train's going too fast. We can't get off.

ALF: You're acting like this is all my fault.

Willie: Well, isn't it?

ALF: I was hoping we could share. Good Morning America, how are you? Don't you know me, I'm your native son. [pauses] What's the next line?

Willie: Just be quiet!

ALF: Really? I'm surprised that song was such a big hit. [continues singing] Just be quiet, just be quiet, just be quiet, lala la lala lala...

Isn't It Romantic? [2.10]

Willie: How many more things can there be? [ALF comes out] What was all that noise?

ALF: I don't know. As grandpa satchel used to say, "Don't look back. Something might be broken."

Kate: In this case it's my casserole dish and the cookie jar.

ALF: Where are you going?

Willie: I'm going to see a musical.

ALF: Musicals are dumb. Out of the blue people burst into songs.

Willie: Hence the term "musical."

ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing: ♪ Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -♪

Willie: It's getting on my nerves.

ALF: See what it means? What this called?

Kate: Cats.

ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!

Kate: They're not real cats; they're actors.

ALF: Yech! I'll pass. How come you're not going your mate Kate?

Kate: Well, uh- Actually, do you remember when we left you alone, and you blew up the kitchen?

ALF: Oh, yeah. I get nervous just thinking about it.

Kate: Well, I'm not going because I don't feel well. I have a fever. I have a slight fever.

ALF: Oh, let me press my lips against your forehead.

Kate: No!

ALF: You don't sound that sick. Is there something wrong between you two?

Kate: Of course not.

ALF: You wouldn't lie to the old ALFer?

Willie: No.

ALF: Because I always tell the truth. Example, your socks are limp.

Kate: Goodbye.

Willie: Bye.

Kate: Have a good time. [kisses Willie]

ALF: And those glasses make you look owlish.

Willie: Bye, ALF.

ALF: Did I mention he has a funny walk?

Lynn: [while talking to Julie on the phone] No Julie, he hasn't called yet. How can he when you keep calling to see if he called?

ALF: [comes in Lynn's room] Quick! Hang up! Dial 911. Nine, uno, uno.

Lynn: I gotta go, I'll text you later! Bye!

ALF: Hurry up!

Lynn: Wait a minute, I don't smell smoke.

ALF: Where is it written that all my emergencies involve fire?

Lynn: Sorry.

ALF: It's Willie and Kate. They've been fighting all night!

Lynn: Were you listening outside their door again?

ALF: Inside their door. Under their bed. Anyway, I distinctly heard someone say, "Get off it, it isn't ALF's fault."

Lynn: That was probably mom.

ALF: Actually, it was me. Then they walked out on each other, Lynn. I'm an orphan! I don't want to be an orphan. I saw Annie. Orphans have to eat gruel, and tap dance with mops.

Lynn: Listen to me. Mom and dad haven't abandoned us. They're having a little fight, that's all. I just hope mom wins, so I can go on that ski trip.

ALF: They won't settle anything, without our help.

Lynn: Our help?

ALF: Please, Lynn. This is the only family that I've got.

Lynn: This is the only family I've got.

ALF: Really? No wonder you're always hanging around! Now, let's see. How would we solve this problem on Melmac?

Lynn: Let me guess. You'd play Tug-of-War with a cat.

ALF: No. That only takes your mind off your troubles. It never solves anything. Wait, I remember. To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.

Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.

ALF: The day they met me?

Lynn: Think again.

ALF: The day after they met me.

Lynn: Keep thinking.

ALF: I can't. My brain hurts. Aghhh!

Lynn: Well, they're always talking about their honeymoon.

ALF: Great! Yeah, that's it! Let's recreate their honeymoon. Where did they go?

Lynn: Niagara Falls.

ALF: Oh, real original.

Hail to the Chief [2.11]

Willie: You can't vote, ALF, you're not a citizen.

ALF: I'll apply for a green card.

Willie: That's only if you want a job.

ALF: Pass.

ALF's Special Christmas [2.12-2.13]

Tiffany: Maybe in the next world I'm going to, every day will be Christmas.

ALF: [to Tiffany, who imagines ALF is a female, and is about to adorn him with more girl stuff] Hold it right there! Earrings are where I draw the line!

Tiffany: You can talk!

ALF: Yeah, and it's a good thing. Otherwise, you'd have me in a bra by now!

ALF: [impersonating a doctor, and not sure what to do] First of all, where do babies come from?

Denise: How can a doctor not know where babies come from?

ALF: I'm not married.

ALF: [pretending to be a doctor] So...what seems to be the problem?

Denise: The problem?! I'm going to have a baby!

ALF: A baby? [not sure what to do next] Um...did you get a second opinion?

The Boy Next Door [2.14]

ALF: Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake--

Kate: We're saving it for Jake.

ALF: Okay. [pause] He's not coming. Let's eat.

Willie: He'll be here, ALF.

ALF: The kid's probably going up the river as we speak. They'll put him in solitary, feed him bread and water, topped by a delicious piece of chocolate--- [Kate moves the cake] cake.

Willie: Jake may have some problems, but he's not going to be sent to prison.

ALF: Tell that to my cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes... [points at Willie, imitating machine gun sound] "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

Willie: You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?

ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

Lynn: [comes in] Mr. Ochmonek called and said Jake won't come over.

Willie: I didn't hear the phone.

Lynn: He just hollered through my window.

ALF: All right! Let's eat.

Kate: Would you like some cake?

[ALF and Jake get ready to meet each other]

Jake: Get away from me! Just stay away from me!

ALF: Wait! You can't leave. They'll think I broke the telescope.

Jake: Okay, I'll fix it. Just don't bite me.

ALF: Bite you? That's a good idea. I'll bite you, if you don't fix this. [snaps jaws]

Jake: All right! Just don't tell my aunt and uncle I was taking it.

ALF: On one condition. You fix this telescope, and don't tell anyone about me.

Jake: That's 2 conditions.

ALF: Hsssss!

Jake: All right! You've got a deal. What are you, anyway?

ALF: I'm an alien from the planet Melmac. I have powers that you can only dream about.

Jake: Like what?

ALF: [thinks for a moment] I can watch television for ten hours straight and not get up to go the bathroom.

Jake: You're the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

ALF: You should see me with my hair wet.

Jake: Do the Tanners know about you?

ALF: Yeah, they know all about me. Well, they don't know that I've had liposuction. Where'd you learn to fix telescopes? Cal tech?

Jake: No, my dad taught me. We used to find things in the trash and fix them. My dad could fix anything; Especially horse races.

ALF: Wild guess. That's why he's in jail?

Jake: Yeah. Well, uh, I'm done.

ALF: Wow! You're good! And fast!

Jake: It's no big deal.

ALF: No big deal? On Melmac, we only had one guy who knew how to fix things. They put him on display in a zoo, but the cage door was broken, so he walked away.

Jake: Good story. Is it okay if I go now?

ALF: Yeah, but remember our deal. You can't tell anyone about me.

Jake: Hey, don't worry. I live by the Ochmonek code. We don't squeal or tip.

ALF: The name's ALF.

Jake: Jake. [leaves] Bye.

ALF: Bye.

Can I Get a Witness? [2.15]

Kate: ALF?

ALF: Yes?

Kate: Come here.

ALF: No problem. Kate, I'm sorry about your flowers. Please accept these along with my apologies.

Kate: They smell like feet.

ALF: I washed them in Desenex.

Willie: ALF, where is our football?

ALF: Behind your back.

Willie: [shows ALF the football] Raquel said it broke her window.

ALF: That's ridiculous! Footballs don't break windows, people do.

Willie: What about aliens?

ALF: Me, I broke nothing, I swear.

Kate: You broke those plates when you throw the football through my kitchen window.

ALF: Like that's relevant.

Kate: Willie, present your evidence.

Willie: The case is simple. We have here a broken window, and a defendant with a long, long history of reckless behavior. Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.

ALF: Name 12 more.

Willie: To name 12 more... He set a fire in the camper, he chopped up our Christmas tree, he wrecked the toaster, he ripped that painting, he dug up the backyard, he stole a car, he buried my piano, I think that was the thing hurt me the most, he got me arrested, he used our credit cards, excessively and illegally, he short-circuited the television, terrorized the cat, and he blew up the kitchen. It's not hard to imagine, that such a person would, could, and infect did kick a football through the Ochmonek's window.

Brian: Brilliant!

We're So Sorry, Uncle Albert [2.16]

ALF: Willie, we voted fair and square. Uncle Albert stays in the tent.

Willie: No, you're staying in the tent, ALF.

ALF: I don't want to sleep out here. This place is swarming with armored leeches.

Willie: Those are snails.

ALF: I don't care if they're hunchback slugs. I'm not sleeping out here.

Willie: ALF, we always make you stay in the garage. I thought sleeping in a tent would be a nice change of pace.

ALF: Yeah, listen. Since Uncle Albert is such a pain, why don't you just tell the guy to bug off?

Willie: Oh, I can't do that ALF. He's family.

ALF: Fine. Now you're stuck with an unwanted house guest.

Willie: Isn't it strange how that pattern keeps repeating itself?

ALF: Why? Kate's mother is coming too?

Willie: Let's just put up the tent.

ALF: Fine. Why is it taking so long?

Willie: [he takes away the tape measure away from ALF and shakes his glasses] It's taking so long because you keep undoing everything I'm doing. Would you hand me... a box of wing nuts?

ALF: Wing nuts? Um, I'm afraid I've eaten them.

Willie: You ate a box wing nuts?

ALF: I thought they said "walnuts"...don't bother looking for the package marked tent stakes.

Willie: I think I'd better finish this by myself.

ALF: Fine. I'll be over here if you need me. [walks away]

Willie: I'll keep that in mind in case things go too smoothly.

Man: Hello, social services. Hold, please. Hey, Willie, call for you on line 4. Sounds like Sammy Davis, Jr.

Willie: Hello.

ALF: [like Sammy Davis] Man, how'd you like this clever ruse?

Willie: Why are you calling me? You promised to stay in the tent!

ALF: But we're out of canned peaches.

Willie: You called me for peaches?

ALF: No, I also need grape leaves, yellow cellophane, and a tag for the toe.

Willie: A tag for what?

ALF: You're not writing this down, are you?

Willie: No, I'm not. What's this all about?

ALF: It was gonna be a surprise, but Uncle Albert's dead.

Willie: What?

ALF: Don't worry, I've already started the embalming, that's why I need the peaches. [hangs up]

Willie: Wait! [hangs up]

Man: Willie, is it true Sammy's going on the road, again?

Someone to Watch Over Me [2.17-2.18]

We Gotta Get Out of This Place [2.19]

[Willie and ALF are playing chess]

ALF: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Willie: Why not?

ALF: Because I might lose.

Willie: I'm sorry. Check.

[the telephone rings]

ALF: Get that, Willie. I want to plan my next move.

[ALF gets ready to eat Lucky]

ALF: Lucky, I'm going to show you what it's like to be plunged into a world of darkness. [shoves Lucky in his mouth until Kate comes]

Kate: ALF!

ALF: Kate, just in time! The cat almost got my tongue.

Kate: Give me this cat! [takes Lucky away from him]

ALF: Bad, Lucky, bad! Now I know how Wile E. Coyote feels.

You Ain't Nothin But a Hound Dog [2.20]

Willie: She sure is a pretty dog.

Brian: Can we keep her?

ALF: Yeah, Willie. Can we, huh?

Willie: No, I don't know. I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.

Brian: Can't we just keep her until we find the owner?

Willie: Well, I guess so. As long as it's okay with your mom.

ALF: Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody!

Brian: I didn't know you liked dogs.

ALF: What's not to like? They're loyal, obedient, they hate cats. [growls] And those who eat them!

Brian: Why did you give Alfina to that mean lady?

ALF: Sorry.

Brian: I'm not playing with you anymore, ever! [Willie comes in] Dad, where's Alfina?

Willie: I'm sorry, Brian. I couldn't get her back.

Brian: Why not?

Willie: Mrs. Buttonwood only wanted the dog so she could get $500 from the real owner.

Brian: It's all your fault, ALF! [runs off]

ALF: He's right. I got us into this. I'll get us out. Can I borrow $500,000? I'll give it back to you next payday.

Willie: You don't have a job.

ALF: I meant your next payday.

Willie: Stay out of this. You're in enough hot water!

ALF: So what's a little more?

Hit Me With Your Best Shot [2.21]

[ALF is sitting in the kitchen wearing shades and staring at a sunlamp]

Kate: [walks over to him] What are you doing?

ALF: [with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for five hours, Nada.

Kate: Five hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn.

ALF: [Kate touches him] Aaah!

Kate: Sorry.

ALF: Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.

Kate: [takes the sunlamp away from ALF] Well, would you like some cold cream?

ALF: Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.

Kate: It's for your nose.

ALF: That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.

Kate: ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?

ALF: You're talking like they're two different things.

Kate: They are! Haven't you been listening?

ALF: What is this, healing through hollering?

[Brian comes in the kitchen after he had a school fight]

Kate: Brian, what happened?

ALF: Yeah, you look terrible.

Brian: I was in a fight.

ALF: Looking like that? Yeesh!

ALF: All right. That's it. I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.

Willie: But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?

ALF: Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?

Willie: Don't you see the connection?

ALF: What connection?

Willie: I give up.

ALF: Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]

Movin' Out [2.22]

[ALF is in Kate and Willie's bed eating crackers]

Kate: I don't believe you're eating crackers in bed.

ALF: I know. It's such a clich? Could you "hoover" the crumbs out of my fur?

Kate: I want every single crumb out of this bed. Including you.

ALF: I know you're upset about Willie, but he'll be home soon. I won't leave this bed, until he is.

Willie: [comes in] Hi.

ALF: Rats!

Willie: Just what I wanted to see in my bed.

ALF: Thanks. Cracker?

Kate: It's 11pm. What happened?

Willie: I'm sorry, Kate. I got in a big tie-up on the on the,

ALF: Freeway.

Willie: Freeway. I suppose you've discussed the crackers in bed.

Kate: We were just discussing that, when you came in.

ALF: Yes, your arrival was most fortuitous.

Willie: Not that it matters, I'm so tired that I could sleep on broken glass.

ALF: Then you might want to sleep by the China cabinet.

Willie: [picks up the phone] Hi, Brian?

ALF: Hi, daddy!

Willie: I'm very busy.

ALF: What are you doing?

Willie: I'm assigning parking spaces.

ALF: I thought you were a social worker.

Willie: I'm very busy ALF. I can't talk now.

ALF: Put me on hold. I'll listen to the Muzak.

Willie: Goodbye, ALF.

I'm Your Puppet [2.23]

Brian: [comes in] Hey, ALF. What are you doing?

ALF: I'm running away from home.

Paul: Oh, great. Tell the whole world.

Brian: Why are you running away?

Paul: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]

Brian: I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he runs away tattling to Willie] DAD!

ALF: Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!

Paul: Shut up and keep tacking.

ALF: I don't care what Paul says, I like it here.

Paul: Speak for yourself.

Larry: What's wrong with the Tanners?

Paul: Too many stupid rules. Don't eat the cat, Don't break the dishes, Don't eat the cat.

Larry: ALF. Do you object to these rules?

ALF: Yes. Especially numbers 1 and 3.

Tequila [2.24]

[Maura is in the kitchen and ALF comes in]

Maura: Hi!

ALF: Uh-Oh!

Maura: Nice try, though.

ALF: Huh?

Maura: Come on, Sammy. Did you honestly think that you would fool me with that silly disguise?

ALF: Sammy? Sammy who?

Maura: What do you mean? Sammy you!

ALF: You know me?

Maura: Of course. Quit fooling around. Sit down and have a drink.

ALF: Well, maybe a short one.

ALF: You realize I'm a figment of your imagination, not an alien from another planet? Right?

Maura: Of course.

ALF: Just checking. Gotta run! I've got other dreams to appear in.

Maura: Knock it off, Sammy. You're not going anywhere.

ALF: I'm not?

Maura: No, we've been through all this before. That is the strangest I've ever seen you look.

ALF: You should see me in a tank top.

Maura: This beats the time you showed up as the dog in the cowboy suit.

ALF: How often do I show up?

Maura: You arrive during the 3rd margarita, and leave during the blackout.

ALF: At least I'm consistent.

Maura: Here, salud! [gives ALF a drink]

ALF: [sniffs] Holy owned and operated! What is this stuff?

Maura: What do you mean? We've been drinking tequila for 7 years.

ALF: Did I ever ask what's in it?

Maura: Nope, you just said it tastes better than it smells.

ALF: Let's hope so. At least there's a worm in it. [gasps] I was wrong.

Maura: About what?

ALF: This tastes worse that it smells. [coughs]

We Are Family [2.25]

[ALF is inside a cage]

ALF: Look at this. They've got me wired for cable. Let me see. Which was the button for a cheeseburger? [presses button] Ahhh! That's not it! [presses another button] Ahhh! I've got to label these buttons. [presses another button] Great. I wiped out half my childhood memories for celery! Hey, you! Come here.

Man: Yes?

ALF: How did you get out of your cage?

Man: I work here.

ALF: Sorry. I'll give you $5 to let me out. $10, if you clean the cage while I'm out.

Man: Can't do it.

ALF: Please! I've got to get out of here. I've got a family, I've got a life, I've got a cake in the oven!

Man: You should've thought about that before exposing yourself, specimen ALF/1.

ALF: I'm not a specimen. I'm a spaceman. Get the teeth fixed, Boris. [presses button] I guess there's still no word from the governor.

Kate: [offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]

ALF: Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.

Willie: Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?

ALF: Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.

[lights turns on]

Everybody: Surprise!

ALF: Willie, intruder alert! I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.

Willie: We've invited everyone who's ever met you.

ALF: How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?

Jake: Great! Give me five!

ALF: Here's four. I owe you one! [laughs]

Larry: How you doing, ALF?

ALF: Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not Wacko.

Dorothy: I challenge that.

ALF: Grandma Dorothy, how is your much younger husband, Whizzer?

Dorothy: [dryly] Always a pleasure, ALF.

Lynn: Look, ALF. Jody is here.

ALF: Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.

Jody: Nice not to see you!

ALF: [laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!

Willie: ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.

Kate: It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.

ALF: I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?

Willie: Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.

ALF: Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.

Everybody: [giving ALF presents] Surprise!

ALF: Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.

Varsity Drag [2.26]

Brian: [comes in] Hi ALF.

ALF: Hi, what does E-N-N-U-I spell?

Brian: Beats me.

ALF: Then what do we send you to school for?

Brian: Beats me.

ALF: Can I see the mail? I'm expecting to hear from the matchbook people on how well I drew Binky.

Brian: Here you go, ALF.

ALF: Occupant. Resident. Lingerie catalog Kate, you saucy vixen, you! Uh oh.

Brian: They didn't like your "Binky"?

ALF: Worse! It's from that college Lynn wants to go to.

Brian: Why is that bad?

ALF: It's in Massachusetts. If she goes there, she won't live here.

Lynn: [comes in] Hi!

ALF: Hi! No mail today.

Lynn: Than what are you holding?

ALF: Mail. I'm a terrible liar.

Lynn: Let me see.

ALF: Wait. What does E-N-N-U-I, spell?

Lynn: Ennui?

ALF: Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! That's absolutely correct. No need to go to college.

Lynn: [takes the mail from ALF] Give that to me. Oh my god! It's here! Cross your fingers everybody!

ALF: No problem.

Lynn: All right! This is fantastic! I can't believe it! I've got to call Laurie. [runs off]

ALF: Maybe she didn't get in.

[Willie and Kate come inside the living room and see many newspapers that ALF made]

Willie: What are these?

ALF: Newspapers, Willie. Get with it!

Kate: Why are they here?

ALF: Perhaps I should explain. Please do!

Kate: No, let me guess. You're a newspaper boy.

ALF: We prefer the term, "Paper Person." It's gender-neutral.

Willie: Do you actually believe, that you can afford someone through college with a paper route?

ALF: No. That's why I got 10 paper routes.

Willie: 10 paper routes, there must be 500 papers here.

ALF: Actually, 501. They gave me an extra copy by mistake. [chuckles]

Kate: ALF, you can't deliver newspapers.

ALF: Sure I can! You haven't seen my throwing arm. [Willie grabs the newspaper] Willie, I can't throw you and the newspaper. [Willie takes it away from him]