A.L.F. [1.01]

[first lines of the series]

Willie: This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language.

Kate: Why don't you just shut it off?

Willie: I ... can't ... I can't control it. It's locked in on the signal.

Kate: Willie, what's that?

Willie: Oh, my gosh! It can't be.

Kate: The lights! What happened to the lights?

Brian: Daddy! Daddy! What's that thing in the sky?

Lynn: What's going on?

Willie: It's closing in fast. I think maybe we'd better.... [the spacecraft crashes into garage] We have a visitor.

[ALF is in the living room with Brian watching TV]

Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?

ALF: No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.

Woman on T.V.: If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!

ALF: Brillant! This and the letter "I" in one day. I gotta get something to drink.

Brian: Me too. [he and ALF go get something to drink]

Kate: Where are you two going?

Brian: We've got to get something to drink.

ALF: We're parched.

Kate: Okay, but no soda pop, and nothing to eat before dinner.

ALF: Yes, ma'am.

Brian: Yes, ma'am.

ALF: Geez, what's with the warden?

[sounds of can opening and Brian and ALF come out with a drink in their hand]

Kate: I said no soda pop.

Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.

ALF: [burps] You're about out of Coors!

Kate: What? Give those to me! [puts beer on top of the TV]

ALF: Hey, careful. His is still full.

Kate: Now you just listen to me, ALF. I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house. This boy is only 6 years old, he is not to drink beer and you are not to drink beer. I don't know what it's like on "Mork", or whatever planet you come from---

ALF: Melmac.

Kate: What?

ALF: Melmac. That was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.

Strangers in the Night [1.02]

ALF: [voice over] I was sitting on the bed and when it happened. He came into my life. [A man comes in through the window] At first I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it soon dawned on me, Santa probably wouldn't smell like cheap wine.

Delivery Man: Pizza Barge! One super Sicilian, that's me. Here's your pizza. Sorry we couldn't leave it by the tree. It's against company policy.

Raquel: I don't understand.

Delivery Man: Well the last time we left one by a tree, a squirrel died.

Raquel: No, I mean I didn't order a pizza and I refuse to pay for it.

Delivery Man: Lady, it's already paid for, house account.

Raquel: [grabbing pizza box] Oh, well in that case...

Delivery Man: [holding out hand] What about my tip?

Raquel: [gives a dime to the delivery man] Here is this enough?

Delivery Man: Oh, sure. In some states I can still make a phone call!

Raquel: [sarcastic mimic] In some states I can still make a phone call.

Looking for Lucky [1.03]

[ALF is singing that Old Time Rock-n-Roll. Then, Tanners come home seeing ALF singing and dancing and Willie turns off the radio]

Kate: Maybe we should have called first.

ALF: Well, I had the music pretty loud. I probably wouldn't have heard the phone. [Willie takes off the sunglasses] Uh, I was planning to have the place spotless by the time you got back. [ALF throws his cucumber to the floor]

Kate: When did you expect us back, in April?

Willie: Look. When I left, you said you're going to behave, but this is not behaving, this is mass destruction.

ALF: I don't know what happened. I was sitting here, doing better than my best. I decided to make myself a little snack, the rest is a blur.

Willie: How can one alien be so irresponsible?

ALF: I wasn't irresponsible, I was hungry!

Kate: Did you eat everything in the house?

ALF: No. I don't think so. [he looks for food and pulls out a cookie] Look, here. Who wants a cookie?

Brian: I do.

ALF: [looks at the cookie] I'll split it with you.

Kate: Brian, why don't you go feed Lucky? I hope there's some food left. You didn't eat all the cat food too, did you?

ALF: No way, I draw the line at intestinal byproducts.

Willie: How can you eat so much?

ALF: I've been blessed with multiple stomachs.

Lynn: I don't understand why you don't gain weight.

ALF: It's all in the way you combine foods.

Lynn: Really? That's interesting.

ALF: Merv did a show on it. I have a tape somewhere.

Kate: I don't believe this!

ALF: Merv says it works. Of course, have you seen Merv lately?

ALF: There you go, Luckheimer. Oh, yeah. Who'd ever thought we'd see the day, when they'd trust me to feed you? Right now I'm in the catbird seat; sort of speak. Right now I can get away with murder; sort of speak. Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there, grab a couple of slices of whole wheat bread, a little mayo, and slap together a B-L-T. Bacon, Lucky, and tomato. Yeah, I could do that. And they wouldn't even have the nerve to point their finger at the old Alfer. No, they'd probably blame Willie, before they'd blame me. Yep! I could do that. But I won't. And why is that? Because they trust me. But don't get too comfortable.

Pennsylvania 6-5000 [1.04]

[doorbell rings]

Kate: Who am I gonna call at 4am?

Willie: I know it's not perfect, [takes the cardboard chart away from Kate] but it's a start. [opens the door and sees the FBI]

FBI Man 1: Howdy.

Willie: Hi.

FBI Man 1: Sorry to bother you like this, but I was wondering that Willie Tanner might be in?

Willie: Speaking.

FBI Man 1: Excellent.

FBI Man 2: F.B.I.

FBI Man 1: [turns around Willie] You have the right to remain silent.

Lynn: Daddy!

Kate: What are you doing?

Willie: Kate!

Brian: Mommy, make them stop!

Kate: [sees the FBI handcuff Willie] Please! Leave him alone.

FBI Man 1: We'll just be a minute. Let's go, pal.

FBI Man 2: We'll take this, too.

Willie: Not my chart!

FBI Man 2: Sorry for the trouble man. [pushes Willie out of the house as he is getting ready to be sent to jail]

Kate: Why are you doing this?

FBI Man 2: It's the law, ma'am.

FBI Man 1: This is what happens when someone threatens national security. [leaves and closes the door] Nice meeting you.

Willie: [from outside] Hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.

Lynn: Mom! What did he do?

Kate: I don't know.

ALF: What's going on out here?

Brian: Daddy's been arrested.

ALF: Boy! Those HBO guys mean business.

[Kate sees Willie in jail]

Kate: I can't believe ALF used your shortwave to call the president?

Willie: Shhh! All I know is somebody used my radio. I'm a criminal. They'll hang me.

Kate: Willie, stop! It's obvious your going to have to tell the truth.

Willie: Of course, the truth. I'll just explain to them. An alien took control of my radio. "And why did he do that?" they'll ask and I'll say "I wouldn't let him use the phone."

Kate: Maybe we can clear it up, without I'll him telling the truth.

Willie: The truth is I never should have let ALF anywhere near my-

Kate: Maybe it was wrong of ALF to call the president.

Willie: Maybe? Okay, it was wrong. But you have to respect his feelings about nuclear war.

Kate: It's commendable that he's willing to send me to jail for his beliefs.

Willie: At least he cares about something other than food.

Kate: Great. Now he cares about nuclear war and food.

FBI Man: [walks over to Kate] Sorry ma'am, I need a moment alone with the alleged traitor.

Kate: [walks away] Willie, I'll be right back. I'll check on the lawyer. You wait here. [reappears] Right, sorry. [leaves]

FBI Man: Good afternoon, ALF. I need to talk with you about this. Just who are these people and why all they on the phone all the time?

Keepin' the Faith [1.05]

Willie: Well, what it quarrels down to is, we got to take a closer look at our bills.

ALF: [pops up] Hey. What's going on in here?

Willie: We're having a family meeting.

ALF: Oh, I get it. Freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.

Kate: ALF, we thought you were watching The Three Stooges.

ALF: I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shep as a surgeon.

Brian: Curley was a senator once.

ALF: True. And Mo was speaker of the house.

Willie: Could we put it off with the stooge talk here for a minute.

ALF: Certainly. [mumbles and laughs]

Willie: We'd like to get back to our meeting.

ALF: Oh yeah, the one I wasn't invited too.

Willie: It's about, it's about our family budget.

ALF: What did you think I was going to do? Dominate the conversation? Be a nusance?

Willie: No ALF, nobody thought.

ALF: Throw out a lot of useless suggestions, interrupt everybody.

Willie: ALF.

ALF: Never let anyone get a word in edgewise.

Willie: ALF, you can come to the meeting.

ALF: No thanks. [ducks down from the window]

ALF: I'm beginning to realize what this is all about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!

Willie: No one thinks you're a parasite.

ALF: Or a freeloader!

Willie: Well, freeloader's closer.

Brian: What about a sponger?

Kate: Where did you hear that?

Brian: That's what you called him last week!

ALF: Oh, I see.

Kate: Let's just settle on parasite and move on.

ALF: Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room. Not wasting money. [walks off]

For Your Eyes Only [1.06]

[ALF is making a cake for Willie and Kate's anniversary]

ALF: Well, it's only toothpaste. Kate, Willie, you can come out now.

Kate: [offscreen] Be right there.

[ALF sings Happy Anniversary as Willie and Kate enter the living room]

Willie: Cut, cut, cut. what's going on here?

ALF: Lyrics too complicated? Happy Anniversary! [pop] Yeah!

Kate: Well ALF, this is all very nice.

Willie: Yes, thank you, but the only problem is-

ALF: Problems, shmoblems sit down and relax. The old ALFer's doing it all tonight--

Kate: ALF!

ALF: The cooking, the serving, the cleaning, course when you two get into the bedroom, you're on your own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Lynn: [walks over to Willie and Kate] What's going on?

Willie: It looks like that the old ALFer is throwing us a surprise anniversary party.

ALF: Just a little informal nothing. Lobster pate?

Lynn: Aren't you two going out tonight?

ALF: What?

Kate: Well ALF, that's what we're trying to tell you we have plans to see Nicholas Nickleby.

Willie: The tickets were very hard to get.

Kate: We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. Cutting roses so they look like radishes.

Willie: And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.

ALF: Play-doh.

Willie: That's it.

ALF: The fluorescent kind-- I wanted it to be special.

[ALF gets ready to meet Jody]

Jody: ALF, hi! I'm Jody.

ALF: It's a pleasure to meet you.

Jody: Please, you don't have to bow.

Help Me, Rhonda [1.07]

Brian: Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.

ALF: No problem. So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday. How old are you gonna be?

Brian: 7.

Lynn: How old are you, ALF?

ALF: 229, in August.

Brian: Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?

ALF: Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!

Kate: Have you decided what you want on your cake Brian?

Brian: Frosting! [he and ALF laugh]

Willie: Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decorations you want on your cake. Robin Hood, Hopalong Cassidy, Archie, and Jughead.

Brian: Who are they?

Lynn: People mom and dad went to school with.

Willie: Perhaps those outdated examples.

ALF: Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake? Ruth, the two-headed nurse.

Kate: Ruth?

Willie: The two-headed nurse?

ALF: Yeah, she was the Vanna White on Melmac, and the Betty White.

Kate: Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decorations?

Brian: I can't decide right now.

ALF: If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.

Kate: Fine.

ALF: Give me five! [Brian high-fives him] Yeah!

Brian: Give me four! [ALF high-fours him]

ALF: Ah! Yeah!

Brian: Yeah!

ALF: Ha!

[ALF is dreaming in Melmac with his friends]

Skipper: Hey-hey-hey! Stella! So happy birthday, Gordo.

ALF: Thanks, Skipper.

Rick: Hey Gordon. You got a date later?

ALF: Maybe. Maybe not.

Both: He's got a date!

Rhonda: Alright. Who gets the chili cat?

Skipper: Hey, over here, cutie.

Rhonda: Phelonion fries, no gravy.

Rick: Right here!

Rhonda: Whisker omelet, tail on the side.

ALF: Yo!

Rhonda: Happy birthday, big boy!

ALF: Thanks!

Skipper: I think she likes you, big boy!

Rick: She's got legs like a like a Lunar Lander.

Skipper: She is no Rhonda.

ALF: What about Rhonda?

Rick: C'mon! Who are you kidding? That's who you got a date with.

ALF: Alright, I got a date with Rhonda. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

[ALF's dream ends]

Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue? [1.08]

Lynn: ALF, can I see the video?

ALF: No. I've decided it's for Connie Chung.

Lynn: Are you sure I can't see it?

ALF: Well, just once. Turn on the VCR.

Lynn: [gets up and turns on the VCR] ALF, it's just a picture of the garage.

ALF: It's an establishing shot. Now pay attention.

Jump [1.09]

Willie: To a super dad, husband, and earthling.

ALF: That was mine.

Willie: Thanks, thanks everyone. I'm very, very touched. Thank you, dear.

Kate: Happy birthday, darling. [Willie kisses her]

Brian: Happy birthday, daddy. [Willie hugs him]

Willie: Thank you son.

Lynn: Many more dad. [Willie kisses her]

Willie: Thanks, sweetheart. Thank you, ALF. Thank- [ALF looks closely at his face as Willie gives him a kiss]

ALF: Whoa! Not bad! Still waters run deep there, William.

Brian: Blow out the candles!

Willie: Okay, 1, 2, 3! [he blows the candles and everybody laughs after Willie blows the candles] What is this? The fifth year now and I fall for it every single time.

ALF: Back off there Willie Bob, let me give it a shot. [pours the water on the candles and Willie's cake]

Kate: [offscreen] ALF!

ALF: What?

[Willie's graduation dream]

Willie: Where am I?

Dean Houseman: You're at your graduation.

Willie: What am I graduating from?

Dean Houseman: This is a dream, Tanner. Its purpose is to point out how inadequate you are compared to everyone else.

Willie: That sound like fun.

Dean Houseman: Would you mind standing off to the side?

Baby, You Can Drive My Car [1.10]

ALF: All the plumbing on my ship was gold. Except for the bidet. That was platinum.

Willie: ALF, we're not keeping the car.

Lynn: What?

Brian: Why not, dad?

ALF: Yeah, Willie, how come?

Willie: Because, it's wrong.

ALF: [mimicking] "Because it's wrong." Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!

On the Road Again [1.11]

ALF: Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?

Kate: Why?

ALF: The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?

Kate: Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.

ALF: Rules, rules, rules.

Willie: Yes, that's the answer. San Diego.

Kate: Fine. What was the question?

Willie: Where shall we go on vacation? I say we would should go to San Diego.

Kate: Oh, San Diego sounds fine- But, what about ALF?

Willie: We don't have to check with ALF. That's where we're going, San Diego, it's really got something for everyone. It's not just an empty slogan.

ALF: I'm sorry. Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?

Kate: Just toss it out.

ALF: The hair or the peanut butter?

Kate: Both!

ALF: No problem!

Kate: Why don't I believe that?

Willie: Oh my gosh there having a Shakespeare festival.

Kate: Willie, there's hair in our peanut butter.

Willie: Love boat's, Bernie Koppel is playing Hamlet.

Kate: What are we going to do about-

ALF: [as grease fire starts to come out] GREASE FIRE! GREASE FIRE!

Kate: ALF!

Willie: Oh, no!

ALF: [inside the kitchen] Never mind the curtains, put me out!

[after a thunder boom]

ALF: Welcome back.

Kate: Chutes and Ladders anyone?

Willie: I'll set up the barbecue, anybody hungry?

Kate: You're not going out there?

Willie: I'll cook under the awning.

ALF: Need some help bobbing for firewood?

Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.

ALF: Right. Let the alien starve.

Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause] How would you like your hamburger?

ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning.

Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair?

ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.

Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.

ALF: How, by drowning us?

Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!

Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please.

ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!

Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!

ALF: I vote we go home.

Willie: You're not voting in this.

ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!

Willie: You wanna to go home, go! No one's stopping him!

Lynn: Dad!

Willie: There's the door!

Kate: Willie!

ALF: You want me to go? I'll go!

Willie: Fine, go!

ALF: Fine, I'm going. [he leaves but Brian stops him]

Brian: ALF, don't!

ALF: Sorry, Brian. I have my pride.

Lynn: ALF!

Kate: Come on, ALF! You're not really going.

ALF: I'm out of here. I'm history! [opens a door when a thunder booms] I'm going to die! [leaves]

Oh, Tannerbaum [1.12]

ALF: It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs!

Willie: ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not Christmas.

ALF: Oh, that's right. Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin!!!

ALF: Alright. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's ... ah ... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid, ... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John!

Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen ...

ALF: Huey, Duey and Luey!!!

Brian: No, those are ducks.

ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?

Mother and Child Reunion [1.13]

[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]

Kate: Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!

ALF: Grandma?

Willie: Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]

ALF: What brings her out this way?

Kate: ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!

ALF: All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]

Willie: Just GO!

Lynn: [she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?

ALF: Grandma!

Brian: Where is she?

ALF: They're making her stand outside.

Willie: GET OUT!

Lynn: GO!

[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]

Kate: Mom! Go in!

Dorothy: Are you sure?

[Dorothy turns on the light and comes in the kitchen as ALF gets ready to meet with her]

ALF: Hi, Grandma!

Dorothy: Oh my god!

ALF: Have a seat.

Dorothy: Who are you? What are you?

ALF: A little background: My name is ALF. I come from the planet Melmac. I'm a member of a civilization millions of years ahead of your own. And now I live in a laundry basket next to the washing machine. Cup of java?

Dorothy: I know, I know. You're something Willie made. He's always making crazy things in the garage.

ALF: Take my word of it. I'm a space being, and since you've been here, I've had to live in the garage. Let me ask you something. Why are you so hard to get along with? Kate's easygoing. Is she adopted or something? Anyway, my advice would be, lighten up on her. Be nice. Oh yeah, another thing. STOP POKING ME! We'll talk again. When you're a little less touchy-feely. [snaps jaws as Dorothy leaves the kitchen]

A Little Bit of Soap [1.14]

I've Got a New Attitude [1.15]

Willie: [discovering ALF ate the box of chocolates he was going to give to Kate for Valentine's Day] He ate the whole box.

ALF: Whining's not going to bring it back!

Kate: Willie, it's – it's alright. Maybe he, uh – [opens box] he did! He forgot the second layer.

ALF: Right! I only licked those!

Dorothy: Am I wearing a sign that says kick me?

ALF: No, but that can be arranged. Willie, get the staple gun! Ha!

Dorothy: I am in no mood for you.

ALF: [under his breath] What a coincidence…

Try to Remember [1.16-1.17]

Kate: Hello, Dr. Snegmier? Well listen, well doctor, it seems that a houseguest of ours has come down with amnesia. No, we can't bring him in, isn't there some kinda home remedy we can try . . . breathing into a paperbag.

Lynn: What's he saying?

Kate: Hitting him on the head with a rolling pin. No, I do not think that's funny. No, I do not watch The Three Stooges. Yes, I know I should. Okay, I think we're gonna try the hospital. Yes, I'm sure he has insurance. Thank you, buh-bye.

Brian: Should I get the rolling pin?

Kate: No, we can't do that . . . or at least we shouldn't.

Willie: So isn't it obvious you aren't this Wayne Schlagel?

ALF: The only thing that's obvious are your minds aren't on insurance.

Brenda: Well, listen Buster. If you think I am going to wait around for you forever, you are out of your mind. You ask for a divorce tonight or we are through!

ALF: Okay, okay, I'll ask her for a divorce tonight. . . man, you have a couple drinks and a few laughs, they think its forever.

Willie: This has gone far enough.

ALF: You obviously haven't met Brenda.

Willie: Neither have you.

Lynn: Dad, ALF took a fall in the hot tub and we think he lost his memory.

Willie: Oh no . . . but we don't have a hot tub.

ALF: Well, that's a good thing Willie, we don't cover hot tubs.

Lynn: Any mail for me?

Kate: Nope

ALF: Any mail for me?

Kate: Yeah . . .all of it. But ALF, I don't want you joining anymore record clubs.

ALF: Fine, fine, fine. That reminds me. I need you to write out a couple of checks. One to Greenpeace and one to the Auto-club

Lynn: You're a member of the Auto-club?

ALF: I like the magazine.

Kate: Well, I am not writing you anymore checks.

ALF: Well, that's fine, I just got mine. Darn, I ordered sunrise . . .they sent me sunset.

Border Song [1.18]

[Luis enters the Tanner's house and meets with the Tanner family]

Willie: Everybody, this is Luis Mancia. Luis, this is everybody. This is Kate, uh-- This is Señorita Tanner, This is--

Luis: Lynn!

Lynn: Have we met?

Willie: He saw your picture. Your school picture on my desk.

Lynn: You know I hate that picture. I wish you wouldn't show it to people.

Kate: What's the matter with it?

Lynn: I look like the village idiot.

Kate: Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.

Willie: People, people-- Luis, this is Brian.

Brian: Hi!

Kate: Luis, it's good to have you here.

Willie: Luis is going to stay here tonight.

Brian: Great, he can have my room, and I'll sleep in the laundry room with-

Lynn: Brian!

Brian: A-L-F.

Willie: I think the couch will be fine. I think A-L-F can sleep in the garage.

Kate: Brian, why don't you show Luis Where he can wash up for dinner.

Brian: Okay. C'mon, Luis. [he leaves the living room with Luis]

Willie: ALF, we have to talk.

ALF: Just a second. Easy shot! Ha! That's exactly why the martians are extinct.

Willie: What is this?

ALF: Space Invaders.

Willie: What do they do? Crash in your garage, eat all your food, dig up your yard?

ALF: You're in a mood!

Willie: Yes, I am! Because I found my good hoe, in this condition! [holds up a pole with a bit of mangled scrap iron on one end]

ALF: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was plowing up my garden and I hit a water main. Don't worry, it wasn't yours.

Willie: So, you're giving up gardening?

ALF: Not giving it up. Just switching crops.

Willie: Oh, to what?

Kate: [offscreen] Willie!

ALF: Earthworms. [Willie leaves] Hey, I think I know that guy!

Wild Thing [1.19]

ALF: Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?

Willie: Inside the shower.

ALF: Thanks! [exits the living room]

Lynn: He wouldn't.

Willie: He might! [Kate screams from the shower] He did.

ALF: [reappears in the living room] Found her!

Willie: ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.

ALF: I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.

Willie: I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.

ALF: All right, all right. We're movin' on. I need to have a family meeting here.

Brian: [inside the cage] Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Let me out!

Willie: Oh boy, he does a good Brian.

Lynn: You'd hardly know it was ALF.

Brian: It's me, it's really me.

Willie: Nice try.

Kate: Honey, honey maybe it is Brian.

Willie: But that can't be. Brian's in bed.

Kate: Brian!!

Brian: What?!!

Willie: Not you. Brian!!

Brian: What?!!

Lynn: I'll go check his room.

Kate: Honey, honey, it looks just like Brian.

Willie: Maybe ALF can change his shape, too.

Brian: No he can't. It's me.

Going Out of My Head Over You [1.20]

[Willie sees ALF is wearing a box on his head when he's sleeping and he beeps]

Willie: What are you doing?

ALF: Well, I was sleeping till you woke me up.

Willie: Well, since when do you sleep standing up?

ALF: Since I started sleeping with that box on my head.

Willie: You look ridiculous.

ALF: Well, not everyone sleeps like you. Mouth open, drooling on the pillow.

Willie: How do you know how I look when I sleep?

ALF: I go into your bedroom at night and watch you and Kate.

Willie: I don't like you doing that.

ALF: Well, hey, you were watching me.

Willie: I couldn't sleep. I came out to get a glass of milk. I heard you-- [he steps on a tack] Aahh!

ALF: Oh, good, it works.

Willie: ALF, there are tacks on the floor.

ALF: It's my alarm system. In case a burglar shows up. Getting one of your headaches, again? You know what's good for that? Jogging. I've been doing a lot of it lately.

Willie: I don't think jogging is the answer. You've been jogging?

ALF: Yeah. You can really see the definition in my thigh muscles.

Willie: You actually go outside, in the street where people can see you?

ALF: I jog at night and I wear a dark headband.

Willie: Um, uh, I'm going to go back to bed and drool. [yells and steps on a tack as he leaves] Aahh!

[ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF]

Willie: Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!

ALF: No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!

Willie: [burps] I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!

ALF: I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimulating. I know - let's conjugate verbs!

Willie: No, how about, how about if we just break things? [crumbles up a piece of bread]

ALF: Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!

Willie: All right, then. How about if we eat the cat? [eyes Lynn as if she was the cat] How ya doin', Lucky?

ALF: Sorry. Household rule # 856, subsection D, paragraph e : We do not eat the cat!

Willie: Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like, I like anarchy!

ALF: Well, I don't believe in anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!

Lookin' Through the Windows [1.21]

[ALF is watching the Ochmoneks' fight from the window]

ALF: Hey, pull up a chair, Willie. You're missing a good one.

Willie: What are you doing?

ALF: Watching the Ochmoneks' fight. Trevor's ahead on points.

Willie: You're not to watch people through their windows. Find something else to do.

ALF: Willie, there's a power blackout. There's no TV, no video games. I can't play blink the lights.

Willie: We're all suffering, ALF. Why don't you go out in the backyard and play?

ALF: In this heat?

Willie: You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.

ALF: Well, I could.

Willie: Say, why are you wearing my T-shirt?

ALF: This is what people wear when they swelter. I saw it in Streetcar.

Willie: I don't like you taking my clothes and I don't like you using my opera glasses to spy on the neighbors.

ALF: Boy, you get irritable when it's hot. Remind me to never take you to Mercury.

Kate: Do you remember when you thought Mr. Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?

ALF: It was an atomic bomb.

Willie: It was a pool heather.

ALF: Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool.

Kate: Yes, they do.

ALF: They do? Can we go over?

Trevor: Yeah, keep your shirt on Tanner. Hey Officer, while you're here. Their's a guy named Littwak who lives just down the street and I think he's building an a-bomb in his basement.

It Isn't Easy ... Bein' Green [1.22]

Spencer: Asparaus, Asparagus!

Brian: Put it on your table!

Spencer: Asparagus, Asparagus!

Brian: Will make you feel Aunt Mable!

Spencer: Oh, I can't work with him.

Brian: Your name's really Gordon?

ALF: Yeah, Gordon.

Brian: That's funny.

ALF: It was my mother's maiden name, all right?

The Gambler [1.23]

Kate: Mom, since when do you bet on horses?

Dorothy: All my life.

Kate: That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.

ALF: I can picture her running! [laughs]

Dorothy: I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.

ALF: About 2 hours.

Kate: Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?

Dorothy: I never go to a race track. You meet an unsavory element there. I bet with a bookie.

Kate: Ah! They're not unsavory.

ALF: Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?

Kate: An unsavory element.

ALF: You mean like oregano?

Dorothy: Nick the Fish is not unsavory.

Kate: Nick the Fish?

Brian: You bet with a fish?

ALF: Kate, quick question.

Kate: Yeah.

ALF: Hypothetical situation. An individual places a bet with a professional bookie for a sizeable amount of money, say $6,000. And he loses and he cannot cover his losses. Hypothetically, what could happen to this individual?

Kate: Well, hypothetically he could have his legs broken, why do you ask?

ALF: Just making conversation.

Kate: Well, I'm glad we had this talk. [leaves]

ALF: [yells] GET UP!

Weird Science [1.24]

[Brian comes home from school, angry]

ALF: Hey, B, how was school today?

Brian: I failed my science project.

ALF: You should've added Alvin and Dave.

Brian: I did.

ALF: And you still failed?

Brian: That's why I failed. I added them because I believed you, but all my friends laughed at me.

ALF: They did?

Brian: My teacher won't let my project be in the science carnival. It's all your fault.

ALF: My fault?

Brian: You lied to me. There aren't really 11 planets, are there?

ALF: Yes, there are. Brian, you're teacher's the one that needs an education.

[Willie is fixing the TV at home]

ALF: Where is everybody?

Willie: They've gone to the movies.

ALF: Why didn't you go?

Willie: I'm fixing the TV.

ALF: Now?

Willie: Yes. I'm going out a little later, and it's dangerous to leave you alone with nothing to do.

ALF: Are you referring to that chemical spill?

Willie: Chemical spill? What chemical spill?

ALF: Nothing. Willie, how about a game of Trivial Pursuit? I promise not to pick any science questions.

Willie: No, thanks.

ALF: I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman.

Willie: Well Mr. Smarty...

ALF: It's Mr. Science.

Willie: For your information, I've located the problem: there's no power going into the high-voltage transformer.

ALF: Hey, you want power?

Willie: That would help.

ALF: Your call. [he accidentally kills Willie after pressing the button on the TV] Willie, it was an accident.

Willie: AN ACCIDENT? AN ACCIDENT? YOU ALMOST KILLED ME? AND YOU SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?

ALF: Alright, let's call it a mistake! [doorbell rings] You want to get that, that's probably "Consumer Ed."

Willie: You called him Consumer Ed after I asked you not to?

ALF: You didn't say not too. You need to be more specific.

Willie: I hope it is Consumer Ed, because I'm turning you in to him! Won't that be an interesting story for the 6:00 news!

ALF: Yeah, I think I left the oven on. [ALF leaves to go to the kitchen]

La Cucharacha [1.25]

Trevor: Yo, Tanner. You in there?

Willie: ALF, under the counter.

ALF: It's crawling with spiders back there!

Willie: Go!

ALF: Well, can I at least take something to read? Steve Allen's World of Bugs. Great, I've already read it. [he ducks down behind the counter]

Trevor: Hi Tanner.

Willie: Hi Trevor.

Trevor: I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?

Willie: Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.

Trevor: Ah, yeah, cockroaches. Blattella Germanica, our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over three hundred million years old.

Willie: That's nice, Trevor.

Trevor: I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. Taking a step was like walking on crackers. You get enough of that in your system, forget it. They showed us a movie about it. David Niven was brilliant. Well, I'll see ya. Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.

Willie: You, what?

Trevor: Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so I dosed it up for you. Real good. No charge.

Willie: Oh, no! [he rushes from the garage]

Trevor: I said, no charge.

Willie: ALF, ALF, are you okay?

ALF: Oh, hi, Willie. Did you get the doughnuts?

Willie: ALF, what did you do?

ALF: Nothing much. Watched a little TV. Killed a bug.

Willie: How did you kill it?

ALF: Cheap cologne.

Willie: That's perfume. I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.

ALF: You had roach problems then, too?

Willie: How did you know to use this?

ALF: Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients and based on what I know about the physiology of Melmacian cockroaches...

Willie: ALF.

ALF: I lucked out.

Willie: I can't believe you took this roach on all by yourself. You could have been killed.

ALF: When it comes to defending my home, I'm an animal. That's just the way I'm made.

Willie: Well, I want to, uh, I want to drag this outside before Kate gets back.

ALF: No, don't rough it up. Once they dry out, they get brittle.

Willie: What difference does that make?

ALF: Are you kidding? I plan to have that guy stuffed and mounted, A.S.A.P. I thought it would look good over the fireplace.

Willie: We're getting rid of it! [the telephone rings] Hello? Oh, hi Kate, I was about to call you. I've got some good news about the roach and some bad news about your birthday present.

Come Fly with Me [1.26]

ALF: Willie, big news, the Alfer's won a contest.

Willie: Yeah, oh, let's see. You won a copy of Cat Lovers Monthly?

ALF: Yeah, kinda a let down, no recipes.

Willie: How did you win this?

ALF: I entered that publisher's sweepstakes thing. I licked all those magazine stamps, and stuck them on my entry.

Willie: You sent in all those stamps?

ALF: Well, all except redbook. It's still stuck to the roof of my mouth.

Willie: Just how many magazines did you win?

ALF: Check the front porch. [Willie opens the door and sees a pile of magazines] Oops.

Willie: ALF! You didn't win a contest, you subscribed to hundreds of magazines!

ALF: Oh, well, that explains this personal thank-you note from Ed McMahon.

Kate: Willie, this place is really nice. I'm kind of surprised.

Willie: Me, too. The hotel is great, I keep looking for the catch.

Bill: [comes in the room] Hello, you must be the Tanners, I'm Bill Lowman, sales manager for Rancho Estates.

Willie: I was expecting you.

Bill: No, no, Mr. Tanner. You were expecting the hard sell. And there is no need to worry about that.

Willie: Good.

Bill: Because after you see this slideshow, you will be begging me to sell you a home! [opens the cabinet]