South Park (1997-) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
White People Renovating Houses [21.01]
Put It Down [21.02]
- Tweek: Oh, my god! What is that?! What is that?!
- Craig: It's probably nothing. Everything's fine.
- Tweek: Will you please stop saying that?! I can't take it!
- Craig: I'm trying to make you feel better!
- Tweek: Well, maybe I don't want to feel better right now!
- Craig: Okay, but think about that. That actually doesn't make any sense.
- Tweek: Why do you have to be so logical?! I don't need you to problem-solve all the time! I need you to... [yells] I don't know!
- Craig: Tweek, honey. All week, you've been freaking out and I've been the one forced to deal with it.
- Tweek: You haven't been dealing with it! You've been trying to make it go away because my emotions are freaking you out!
- [A young girl behind Tweek is run over by a bumper car]
- Craig: Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone. They would lose the support of China, and that would be -
- Tweek: There you go again! Stop preaching facts to me! It's not what I need!
- Craig: Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby! [beat] Oh, see? Now you made me lose control of my emotions. Goddamn it.
- [Craig leaves. Tweek quivers then screams]
- Heidi Turner: Eric, you need to stop. What they're doing is important.
- Eric Cartman: They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying. What's that gonna solve?
- Heidi Turner: It's not about problem solving, Eric. It's about people getting together and feeling what they need to feel. People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes. And the best thing isn't always quick answers but just being there, supporting each other and talking through those feelings.
- Craig: Tweek! What's going on?
- Tweek: What?! What do you mean what's going on?! The same shit that's been going on!
- Craig: Nothing's gotten any better?! Oh, my God! How does that make you feel?
- Tweek: I feel scared! I feel alone!
- Craig: That must be horrible to feel that way! It must be hard for you to even think!
- Tweek: It is! [jumps off the bed] It's terrible!
- Craig: I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling?
- Tweek: Like - Like I have no control over my life! Like I'm just a pawn in a big game.
- Craig: Oh, that's a terrifying thought. You must feel trapped!
- Tweek: Yeah, like trapped but, like, completely unable to even move!
- Craig: Jesus! It's like there's no solution to any of this! What are you gonna do? What can you do?!
- Tweek: I don't know! It's-It's like maybe-maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again.
- Craig: That sounds so insurmountable, though. How would you even start?
- Tweek: I don't know, but I-I gotta do something about this. There's gotta be a way I can... [calms, turns to Craig and smiles] Thank you, Craig.
Holiday Special [21.03]
Franchise Prequel [21.04]
- Stephen Stotch: Didn't break any rules! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters!
Hummels & Heroin [21.05]
- Marcus' Dad: Okay, okay, can everyone hear me? Hello? Thanks, everyone, for helping us celebrate Marcus' birthday. As a special birthday surprise for you, Marcus, we got you your favorite entertainer. Everyone, please welcome Chuck E. Cheese.
- Chuck E. Cheese: Hey. Check.
- Marcus: Yes. Yehehehehes.
- Chuck E. Cheese:I ah thanks... for'm celeb... Marcus's birthday.
- Marcus' Mom: What's wrong with him?
- Marcus' Dad: Can't you tell? He's high on painkillers!
- Chuck E. Cheese: Hold on. Shit. Okay, let's.... do this... Never meant to cause you any so-
- Marcus: [screaming]
- Marcus' Dad: All right, kids, uh, why don't we head back to the party and cut the cake?
- Marcus: I don't want cake! Who's gonna eat cake at a time like this?!
- Man 1: Another drug overdose?
- Man 2:Most likely. Percolate and Oxycontin found wrapped in his cheesecloth.
- Man 1:Prescription drugs, but with no prescription
- Man 2: You guys know where all these illegal meds are coming from?
- Man 1': Most likely from the prisons. Whenever there's a drug epidemic you can usually trace it back to people who've been... thrown away by society and forgotten about.
- Woman: Can I help you?
- Stan Marsh: Yeah, I'm here to visit my grandpa?
- Woman: Oh, how nice of you. All right, arms in the air. What's the present?
- Stan Marsh: It's just some Hummels.
- Woman: More Hummels? Why are senior citizens so infatuated with these little German statues? All right, go on, you got ten minutes.
- Stan Marsh:Grandpa?
- Marvin Marsh: Billy! Finally you're here to visit. Did you bring Grandpa a present?
- Stan Marsh: Yeah, I got what you wanted.
- Marvin Marsh: Awww, Merry Wanderer and Happy Traveler? These Hummels suck!
- Stan Marsh: That's what the guy gave me.
- Marvin Marsh: It's okay, Billy. I'm just gonna need you to deliver another one of Ms. McGullicutty's crochet pillows.
- Stan Marsh: Aw, come on, Grandpa. Isn't it enough I come to visit?
- Marvin Marsh: You don't understand how it works in here. Ms. McGullicutty is top bitch. You do what she says, or you pay the price.
- Elderly Man 1: Oh, please, uh I don't want no trouble. I'm sorry. I'll get better Hummels.
- Kyle Broflovski: Dude, Stan. Come on, dude, we're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house.
- Stan Marsh: I will. I just gotta do this for my grandpa first.
- Eric Cartman: Again? Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him?
- Stan Marsh: I don't know. It's what he wants. I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable.
- Eric Cartman: He's old. He's supposed to be miserable.
- Stan Marsh: Look, I just gotta make this exchange for him and then we can go. Oh, oh, I think this is her now.
- Swiper the Fox: Are you Stan Marsh? It's me, Swiper.
- Stan Marsh: Cool. Do you have the Hummel?
- Swiper the Fox: This is it. Ride Into Christmas, Limited Edition. Now give me the pillow. I have to get to a birthday party.
- Stan Marsh: 'Kay, fine.
- Swiper the Fox: All right, peace.
- Kyle Broflovski: Dude, that's really weird.
- Stan Marsh: Old people love Hummels, dude.
- Marcus: Students, faculty, and staff, today we are facing an epidemic of catastrophic proportions. I know I am not alone in mourning the loss of one of our greatest entertainers, Chuck E. Cheese. Had we known the personal hell he was going through, perhaps we could've helped. But toooo many were more than eager to supply Chuck E. with the opioids that caused his untimely death. Chuck E. was not the first entertainer to die from this epidemic. Let us not forget Dinkie Dook the Clown, dead of a Roxanol overdose at Tommy Schneider's bar mitzvah last March. Shimmer and Shine , who both collapsed from massive amounts of oxycodone at Nelly Anderson's birthday party. Spider-man, cut down in prime by Demerol, and just recently, Swiper the Fox. dead of multiple opioids found in his crochet pillow. How many more entertainers must we lose before we take action?! It is time to declare war on opioids in our society!
- Eric Cartman: Dude, what the fuck, Stan?!
- Stan Marsh: I don't know, all right?!
- Kyle Broflovski: You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa?
- Stan Marsh: It didn't occur to me as a possibility.
- Eric Cartman: Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on!
- Stan Marsh: I had no idea what was going on!
- 'Butters Stotch : Hey fellas! Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. Well, see ya, fellas.
- Eric Cartman: Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in!
- Stan Marsh: No, we don't have to do that! Let me talk to him. I can put a stop to this.
Stan Marsh : Grandpa, what the hell have you gotten me into?!
Marvin Marsh : Shhh, quiet. They'll hear you!
'Stan Marsh : There were drugs in the crochet pillow, weren't there?! Do you know people are dying?!
Marvin Marsh :What do you want me to do, Billy? You see Ms. McGullicutty over there? Whoever has the best Hummel collection is top bitch in this place, and she's got the best. She's ruthless, and she has those old lady farts. You know old lady farts, right? Where they're so loose they don't even acknowledge they happened?
Ms. McGullicutty : Oh, hello Mr. Marsh.
Marvin Marsh : Oh, Ms. McGullicutty. How are you feeling today?
Ms. McGullicutty : I'm doing very well. Have they given you Percocet for that knee of yours?
Marvin Marsh : Oh, yeah, here, I I just got it, huh. Here you go.
Ms. McGullicutty : Oh, you'd almost think you were trying to keep them from me.
Stan Marsh :Oh, uh, ma'am? My grandpa actually really needs those drugs. He's in a lot of pain.
Ms. McGullicutty: Ohhh, and who's this little rascal?
Marvin Marsh : That's my grandson, uh he he's worthless.
Ms. McGullicutty : How sweet. Hmmm, coming to visit your old poppa in the joint, huh? You love your poppa, don't you? You'd hate to see him suffer even more he already is. You watch your ass, Marsh, or I'll have you sent to the quiet room.
Stan Marsh : What, what is she talking about? What's the quiet room?
Marvin Marsh I told you, she has all the pull in here. You go against what she says, you end up in solitaire.
Man 3 : No! No, please, uh I didn't do anything!
Man 4 :It's all right, Mr. Standish, you just need a little quiet time.
Man 3 : Uh, I don't even know how to play solitaire. Please!
Marcus : I understand that today they are performing Chuck E. Cheese's autopsy?
Receptionist : Oh, the kids' party performer. Yeah.
Marcus : As a concerned member of the public, I wish to be present.
Receptionist : Uh, sorry, children aren't really allowed in autopsies.
Marcus : Then I shall wait here to learn the coroner's findings.
Man 5 : Toxicology reports show subject had massive amounts of opioids in system at time of death. Now proceeding.
Man 5 : Have these put in the garbage.
Marcus : What did you find, coroner?
Man 5 : Who is this?
Marcus : There is an epidemic in our community, sir. Some of us actually care to confront the problem! Now, dammit, what did you find?
Man 5 : Nothing out of the ordinary. The subject died of a simple overdose. We found nothing else except for two Hummmels in the subject's rectal cavity.
Marcus : Hummels? In his rectal cavity, you say? And you do not find this out of the ordinary?
Man 5 : Not at all. We found Hummels in nearly all the birthday entertainers' anal cavities. It's very common in our overdose victims.
Marcus : Mmmm, a bit too common, don't you think?
Stan Marsh Guys, why does Grandpa have to be in a nursing home? Can't he live with us again?
Randy Marsh :Stan, Grandpas has a lot of needs that we can't provide him here. He needs professional supervision.
Stan Marsh : Is that really it? Because I, I just feel like we kind of threw Grandpa away and forgot about him.
Randy Marsh : Oh really? Do you have any idea how much money we pay to have Grandpa in that place? Your grandpa is stylin'! Can you imagine being able to just sit around all day and not have to do anything but eat and watch TV?
Stan Marsh : Yeah. I'd probably go crazy and wanna kill myself.
Randy Marsh : Jesus, Stan! It's not like he's in jail!
Stan Marsh : Yeah, it's kind of like jail. You should go visit him.
Randy Marsh : I can't! I'm too busy busting my ass to pay the bills for that place, and to pay for your guitar lessons!
Stan Marsh :I don't have guitar lessons.
Randy Marsh : I don't want to go there. It's depressing. Aw you tricked me.
'Stan' Marsh : Hello?
Kyle Broflovski : Dude! Did you give Butters a crochet pillow to drop off?!
Stan Marsh :Dude, I don't have a choice. I have to get the Hummels for my grandpa.
Kyle Broflovski : Well, you need to get Hummels without making Butters a drug dealer!
Butters Stotch : Drug dealer??
Stan Marsh : All right, all right! I think I know another way.
Delivery Man : Hey, we have this week's delivery of medications.
Woman : Bring them in
Stan Marsh : [screaming]
Marcus : Hello, Mr. Marsh.
Stan Marsh : Uh hey, hey Marcus.
Marcus : I understand you've become quite the Hummel collector lately. What's the... fascination with Hummels?
Stan Marsh : Nothing. I-look, I, I just really like Hummels, okay? I'm just, I'm really into Hummels.
Marcus' Ah! I see. So then you should be able to tell me what this Hummel is called!
Stan Marsh : That, that's uh...
Marcus: Come on! If you're a Hummel expert, then you should know its name!
Stan Marsh That, it's, it's "Whistling In The Rain."
Marcus : Wrong! It's called "Stormy Weather!" Do you know where it was found?
Stan Marsh : No.
Marcus : It was found deep in the anus of one Chuck E. Cheese, the renowned entertainer beloved by millions! If you know something about the epidemic that is killing artists, you'd better cough it up!
Stan Marsh : Marcus, trust me. You don't wanna get involved.
Marcus :I became involved when Chuck E. Cheese collapsed like a rag doll before my very eyes! If you had any involvement, I will bring you down!
Randy Marsh : Well, it's really great seeing you, Dad. Guess we oughtta hit the road soon.
Marvin Marsh : You finally come to visit and leave after 10 minutes?
Randy Marsh : Aw Jesus, now we know where Stan gets his guilt trips from!
Mrs. McGullicutty :Mmmm it seems somebody's been a little naughty lately.
Marvin Marsh : Oh, Ms. McGullicutty, heh heh. How are you?
Mrs. McGullicutty : Hrrmm. My, what a lovely Hummel collection you're starting to amass. Almost smells... brand new, doesn't it? Like it was purchased right from the factory. Ooooo! And who are these lovely people? Family that came to visit, no doubt?
Randy Marsh : Yes. Yeah, we love coming here.
Mrs. McGullicutty : Ah, family. I remember when I was a little girl. My brother used to play such tricks on me. Tried to fool me. Tried to get out from his responsibilities.
Marvin Marsh : I'm giving you Hummels. What's it matter where they came from?
Mrs. McGullicutty : Nooo, it doesn't matter to me. But it matters to them. The big guys. You see, what they want is more people who are addicted to crochet pillows. Got it? Nice to meet you fine folks.
Randy Marsh : Wugh. We're never visiting here again.
Eric Cartman : Ohooo, you're dead Butters.
Butters Stotch : Haw Jeez.
Stan Marsh : Guys! Guys, I need your help.
Eric Cartman :If it has to do with your heroin operation, count us out.
Stan Marsh :I just talked to my grandpa. There's more at work here than just old people pushing pills.
Kyle Broflovski : Stan, we told you we don't wanna be involved.
Stan Marsh :The head ***** of the nursing home is gonna take my grandpa down. Maybe my whole family.
Butters Stotch : Get out of the way, dude!
Stan Marsh : But I know what to do! Whoever has the best Hummels controls the nursing home. We've gotta steal this lady's Hummel collection and give it to my grandpa!
Eric Cartman : Dude, Stan, even if we wanted to help you, which we don't, there's no way we can sneak into an old folks home, distract all the old people, and take an old lady's Hummels! Oh wait, there totally is a way we could do that.
Stan Marsh : Yeah? What ih, what is it, Cartman.
Kyle Broflovski : Dude, we're not getting involved!
Stan Marsh : Cartman, if you have an idea, please tell me. I need you.
Eric Cartman : I know how to distract old people.
Kyle Broflovski : Haww ****!
Marcus : Yes?
Annie : We're at Mimi Thompson's party. Peppa Pig just collapsed on stage.
Marcus: Oh my God! Don't let anyone near Peppa Pig until I arrive! Move aside! Let me through! Aw Peppa. Peppa, can you hear me?
Peppa Pig [suffered]
Marcus : My name is Marcus Preston. Can you understand me? Where did you get the drugs, Peppa? Was it from Stan Marsh?
Peppa Pig : Yo man, whatchoo talkin' about? Get me a ******' ambulance!
Marcus Shh, Peppa. Focus. Soon you'll be in heaven jumping in all the puddles you can imagine. But first, you must tell me, where do the Hummels go, Peppa?
Ambulance lady : All right, let us through. Get away, kids.
Marcus Peppa, now! Why Hummels?! You've got to squeal!
Peppa Pig : Old people. Old people... love... Hummels.
Marcus : It's okay, she's with Chuck E. Cheese now.
Woman : Can I help you?
Eric Cartman : Oh yes, hello. We are adorable children here to entertain old people.
Woman : Didn't think we had anyone scheduled tonight. Are you with the Protestant youth group?
Eric Cartman : Yes that's right, we are young prostitutes here to volunteer however we can.
Woman : Fine. Round them up, we got another kids choir!
Man 6 : Come on, let's go. Children's choir in the commons.
Residents : Aw dammit. ****.
Man 6 : Darlin' children are gonna sing for you! Move your *****!
Elderly Man 2 : Aw, not again.
Eric Cartman' All right, seniors. How are we feeling tonight? Our youth group has come to lift your spirits with some songs to take you down memory lane. We hope you can enjoy some nice old-people music.
Boys : [singing]
Elderly Man 3 : You ****!
Eric Cartman : Hey hey! We are adorable children trying to bring sunshine into your lives!
Elderly Man 3 : **** you!
Eric Cartman : **** you!
The Boys : [singing]
Marcus : Hello, Mr. Marsh!
Stan Marsh : Marcus.
Marcus : I told you I'd bring you down
Stan Marsh Marcus, it's not what you think. I'm trying to make things better here.
Marcus : Oh, I bet you are! You, your grandpa, ALL the people here, are going to jail! I'm calling the police!
Stan Marsh : You can put an end to this place, but you won't be stopping the problem. These people are victims too, Marcus. Victims of a way bigger game being played by way bigger people!
Marcus : Oh, you're a fine one for speeches! When it comes to saving your own ass!
Stan Marsh : It's not for me, Marcus. Look, I know you loved Chuck E. Cheese. I know you'd do anything to bring down the people who took him from you. That's why you have to go further, Marcus. Take it to the people who profited from Chuck E.'s addiction.
Marcus : [crying] He was just a mouse... who wanted to make people happy.
Stan Marsh : I know. I know.
The Boys : [singing]
Eric Cartman : I come around.
Butters Stotch : Hey, where are ya'll goin'?
Mrs. McGullicutty : Back to our rooms. You kids are absolutely awful.
Mrs. McGullicutty : What the? Someone is in my room!
Mrs. McGullicutty : Whaaaat?!
Marvin Marsh : Billy. What are you doin' here?
Stan Marsh : Surprise, Grandpa. I got what you needed.
Marvin Marsh : Heh. Billy, Mrs. McGullicutty's Hummel collection. You got it for me.
Stan Marsh : Yeah, Grandpa. Now you can put a stop to all this, right?
Marvin : Yeah. I just might be able to.
Stan Marsh : What are you doing, Grandpa?
Marvin Marsh : I told you, Billy. These Hummels hold a special power with old people.
Mrs. McGullicutty : You!
Marvin Marsh : Go on, get out of here.
Mrs. McGullicutty : You really thought stealing my Hummels would make you the head bitch in this place?!
Marvin Marsh : Yeah. I think it will.
Mrs. McGullicutty : Aaah!
Marvin Marsh : Now you know how we do shit in the nursing home.
Cartman : ...That's pretty sweet.
Mrs. McGullicutty : You get your paws off of me, young man!
Man : There there, Ms. McGullicutty. Everything's gonna be all right.
Mrs. McGullicutty : No! Not solitaire! I won't play it! You can't make me!
Stan Marsh : Congratulations on becoming head bitch, Grandpa.
Marvin Marsh : Thank you, Billy. Now if we could only take down the real douchebags who profit from all this.
Stan Marsh : Ahhh, don't worry. I have a feeling that's about to happen.
Marcus : Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marcus Preston. I have... some questions.
Sons a Witches [21.06]
- [Marsh house]
- Randy: [comes down the stairs oes to the fridge, gets out a gallon of fruit punch, and drinks straight from it, sighing with satisfaction; turns and notices Sharon with her arms crossed] Oh. Hey, didn't see you there.
- Sharon: Did you hear anything about what happened last night?
- Randy: Uuuhhh, no, what happened?
- Sharon: Your buddy, Chip Duncan? [holds up her phone] Apparently, he flew around on a broom, blew things up, and kidnapped some children?
- Randy: Are you serious?!
- Sharon: You heard nothing about this?! He flew away vowing we'd all be dead by Halloween!
- Randy: God, I knew that guy was a fuckin' chode.
- Sharon: Randy, what did you guys do at that party?
- Randy: Nothin'. We were just hangin' out and talkin' and stuff, and then Chip got all weird.
- Sharon: People were hurt!
- Randy: Yeah, I agree! It's awful! We're not like Chip, okay?! He's a bad witch!
Doubling Down [21.07]
Moss Piglets [21.08]
Super Hard PCness [21.09]
- Kyle: [on the phone with Mr. Garrison as Donald Trump] Yes, This is Millennials Against Canada.
- Mr. Garrison: Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits.
- Kyle: We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right.
- Mr. Garrison: What exactly do you want?
- Kyle: What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be ERASED from the Earth!
- Mr. Garrison: Jeez, I got a little chub.
Splatty Tomato [21.10]
- Craig: [comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.
- Tweek: I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!
- Stan: What's going on?
- Craig: Tweek's having a panic attack.
- Tweek: It was real! He tried to get me!
- Kyle: Who did?
- Tweek: The President!
- Craig: It's just your imagination, Tweek.
- Stan: It's not his imagination. I saw him too.
- Kyle: You saw the President?
- Stan: Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"
- Heidi: "The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"
- Token: "How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.
- Stan: Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-
- Randy: Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.
- Craig: But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?
- Cartman: Just like that movie IT.
- Randy: You saw IT too?
- Cartman: Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.
- Token: I saw Stranger Things AND IT.
- Randy: Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!