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South Park (1997-) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Tonsil Trouble [12.01]

Doctor: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out.

Cartman: What?

Mrs. Cartman: Wake up. Wake up, honey.

Cartman: It's over?

Mrs. Cartman: That's right, you did it.

Cartman: It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.

Mrs. Cartman: I'm so proud of you, Eric.

Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream?

Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.

Cartman: You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.

Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid we accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.

Mrs. Cartman: [shocked] What?!

Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?!

Doctor: I think I owe you some ice cream. [a nurse serves Cartman two ice cream sundaes; Cartman shoves them away angrily]

Cartman: Fuck your goddamn ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You ALL said I'd be fine!

Mrs. Cartman: [wailing] Oh, my baby!

Cartman: No! Noooo!

Cartman: Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett except for frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the South!

Cartman: [sticks his middle finger up in the air] Fuck you, Jimmy Buffett! You fuckin' suck!

Stan: Did Elton John sing a song for you?

Cartman: No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffet came instead. (Kyle starts laughing) OH YEAH, IT'S REAL FUCKING FUNNY, KYLE!

Kyle: (manages to stop laughing) I'm sorry. I'm-I'm really...Cartman, I-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.

Cartman: No you don't!

Kyle: I do. (smiles and keeps from laughing)

Cartman: If you REALLY felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! (Kyle tries to keep from laughing) WELL ANY GODDAMN SECOND, KYLE!!!

Kyle: I'm sorry, I gotta go home. (walks away while still laughing)

Cartman: Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!

Principal Victoria: Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?

Cartman: Kind of.

Mr. Mackey: Eric, that is not appropriate behavior. M'kay. You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease.

Principal Victoria: That's right, I think you owe Kyle an apology.

Cartman: I'm sorry.

Principal Victoria: You're sorry for what Eric?

Cartman: I'm sorry for giving you AIDS Kyle.

Principal Victoria: That's better. And now Kyle you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.

Kyle: A tattle-tale?! He infected me with AIDS!

Kyle: Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.

Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?

Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.

Kyle: Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?!

Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a--

Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!

Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.

Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny; SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--

Kyle: Knock it off! RIGHT NOW! This isn't funny! At all!

Cartman: [pause] Are you sure?

Kyle: Yes!

Cartman: [longer pause] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle hits him] Ow! Fuck it, Kyle!

Britney's New Look [12.02]

Kyle: Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.

Man: Join the club.

Man #2: Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.

Cartman: We're professionals, too, you ducking butt hole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]

Police Officer: Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.

Kyle: We, uh, we have special permission.

Stan: Don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.

Police Officer: You are?

Butters: [in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel.

Eek, A Penis! [12.05]

Kyle: [talking about middle-grade school students] You know what they're going to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to fucking murder you! [Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away]

Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]

Mrs. Miller: Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.

High School Student: I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]

High School Student #2: [after Cartman introduces himself to the class as their new teacher] What the hell is this?!

Cartman: [passing out papers to the high school students] And pass it to the amigo behind you.

High School Student #3: Hey, man, what the heck do you think you're doing?

High School Student #4: Yeah.

Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.

Cartman: [repeated in a Latino accent) How do I reach these kids?

Mr. Garrison: The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then you're a man.

Thompson: Whoa, wait, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.

Mr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test Thompson, 'cus your wife's a dude. Faggot!

Super Fun Time [12.07]

Mr. Garrison: Eric, partner with butters.

Cartman: God damn it!

Mr. Garrison: Hold Butters' hand, Eric!

[Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand]

Cartman: That isn't necessary!

Mr. Garrison: Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you're both back on that bus! Do you understand?

Butters: I understand.

[takes Cartman's hand as Garrison turns towards the village]

Mr. Garrison: All right, let's head in. [leads the way]

Cartman: You can let go now, Butters.

Butters: [firmly] No.

Cartman: Butters, come on.

Butters: No!

[the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store]

Mr. Garrison: All right kids, go ahead and the visit the charming villagers and learn stuff.

[the pairs disperse]

Mr. Garrison: Keep track of your partner!

The China Probrem [12.08]

Cartman: Shoot him, Butters.

Butters: No!

Cartman: You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!

Butters: Ah! [shoots a customer in the groin]

Customer: Ah! Ow! Owwww!

Cartman: '[Annoyed]Aw...dude. You shot him in the dick.

Butters: Huh?

Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.

Butters: But I was just trying to stop him and you said--

Cartman: It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.

Cartman: Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.

Police Officer #1: The President?

Police Officer #2: Alright men, we're going in.

Cartman: No. God damn it, we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.

[Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]

Police Officer #3: Ah! Aggh! Owww!

Cartman: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

Butters: What, what happened?

Cartman: God damn it, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?

Butters: You said that there was too much competition among existing steak sauces.

Cartman: What the fuck is wrong with you? That is not cool, Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.

Butters: Well okay, I'm sorry!

Cartman: It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamnit!

Breast Cancer Show Ever [12.09]

Cartman: [after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awareness" poster] Look out, everyone, there's some killer titties on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those titties. They're oh too dangerous.

Wendy: What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!

Cartman: Not at all. [does hand puppets] Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.

Wendy: You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!

Cartman: Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?

Wendy: I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!

Cartman: Ha ha! You're going to kick my ass?

Wendy: That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!

Cartman: [poses] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.

Wendy: You think you're tough?!

Cartman: What's up? What's up?

Wendy: I'll smack the shit out of you!

Cartman: Standing right here. Let's go, bitch.

Wendy: After school; we fight after school. You got that?!

Cartman: You're going to fight me after school?

Wendy: That's right!

Cartman: You're a chick, dude!

Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!

Cartman: Oh, it's on, bitch.

Wendy: You're gonna fucking die!

[The Testaburger house; Wendy is in her room doing her homework]

Mrs. Testaburger: (from downstairs) Wendy?

Wendy: Yeah?

Mrs. Testaburger: We need to talk you. Right now! [Wendy leaves her room and comes downstairs] Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?

Wendy: What? No!

Mrs. Testaburger: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?

[Eric Cartman sitting with his mother on the couch; Cartman is crying.]

Mr. Testaburger: Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?

Wendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things.

Cartman: [crying and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [starts to sob, while his mother soothes him]

Mrs. Testaburger: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that?

Cartman: [still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts sobbing even harder]

Mrs. Testaburger: Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him!

Wendy: Mom, you don't--

Mrs. Testaburger: NOW, young lady!

Wendy: (to Cartman) I'm not going to hurt you.

Mr. Testaburger: If there is any word of you fighting at school, it's over for you, missy. Do you understand?

Wendy: Yes, sir.

Mrs. Testaburger: We're so sorry about this, Mrs. Cartman.

Liane Cartman: Oh no, thank you so much for your time.

Mr. Testaburger: It won't happen again.

[Cartman looks at Wendy, then makes faces at her and sticks both middle fingers up at her. Wendy gets pissed off, but can't do anything now]

Liane Cartman: You're very sweet. Thank you again. (to her son) Come on, muffin.

Cartman: (stops making faces and looks up at her, then joins her as she walks to the front door) Okay Mommy. Mamamama.

Cartman: My report today is on breast cancer awareness. I do not believe enough is being done, and like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest. [suppressed laugh] We all must fight, and hopefully one day, titty cancer will be a distant mammary. [suppressed laugh] [...] What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey?

Pandemic part 1 [12.10]

Chief Aide: I don't know what to make of it sir. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band and yet they aren't. They play pan flute music like the others, but they talk and act like one of us.

Michael Chertoff: I agree. They're obviously some kind of hybrid.

Official 1: A hybrid? Ah how is that possible?

Chief Aide: Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated with one of our females. Who knows?

The Ungroundable [12.14]

Stephen Stotch: What keeps a family together, Butters?!

Butters: A well-organized pantry.

Butters: Oh, creatures of the night I seek audience to engage with thee in unholy darkness and thus do... and thus do unto your bidding!

Mike: What?

Butters: Oh... er... I wanna be a vampire.

Michael: So lame. So lame.

Henrietta: You guys, I do not wanna be grouped in with douchey, little vampire kids.

(When the Goth kids change into normal clothes.)

Pete: Well... at least no one can refer to us as vampire kids now.

[A football rolls in front of them.]

Football kid: It went this way.

Football kid 2: Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl, the big nosed kid, the midget and the kid with pock marks on his face.

[The first kid goes over to the collect the ball, then leaves.]

Michael: So we're back to that, are we?

Firkle: Shoot.

Pete: Let's get outta these freaking Gap clothes.

(When the Goth kids kidnap Mike and are trying to decide what to do with him.)

Michael: How about we send him to Transylvania?

Pete: Nah, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies.

Henrietta: If we're gonna send him somewhere it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth.

[Pause]

All: Scottsdale.

Linda Stotch: (knocking on Butters' door) Butters, we just got a call from Mrs. Cartman. Butters? (rattles the door knob and finds it locked) Unbelievable. He's locked the door!

Stephen Stotch: (pounding Butters' door) Butters, this is your father. Explain why snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey!

(While burning down the Hot Topic.)

Owner: Hey, what the heck are you doing?

Pete: You should probably get outta here.