South Park (1997-) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
The Return of Chef (10.01)
- Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?
- Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? ... Jewbs!
- Clyde: You guys...something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
- Kyle: Like what?
- Clyde: I think... I think he wants to have sex with me.
- Chef: [in sound clips of his voiced mixed together] I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle. I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children. Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass?
- Butters: [after seeing a police detective perform a rim job on a doll] My Uncle Bud did that to me once!
- Chef: [after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...
- Stan: He's remembering!
- Chef: Children! What have I done?
- Cartman: It's okay, Chef. Go on, remember!
- Chef: [singing] I'm going to-- I'm going to...
- Kyle: Come on Chef, you can do it.
- Chef: [singing] I'm going to make love to you, woman! Gonna lay ya down by the fiyah!
- The boys: YAY!
- Mr. Connolly: [about the Super Adventure Club's founder] And he lived for eternity, until he was hit by a train in 1892.
- [after hearing the Super Adventure Club's story]
- Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
- Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
- Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.
- Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then we will have to...call security and make you leave. It will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see!
- Stan: Oh my God. They killed Chef.
- Kyle: You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!
- Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.
- Cartman: Maybe-- maybe he's still OK. [the others look at him] No, really, the say the last thing you do before you die is crap your p-[Chef's body voids its bowels] Oh, never mind.
- Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm going to remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm going to remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.
- Randy: Yeah.
- Mr. Mackey: He's right.
- Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef...that's still alive in us all.
- Mr. Connolly: Chef, can you hear me? Say something.
- Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?
- Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on.
- Darth Chef: And for dessert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?
- Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like a chocolate candy?
- Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls.
- Mr. Connolly: Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!
Smug Alert! (10.02)
- Cartman: San Francisco is the breeding ground of hippies!
- News Anchor: Cities like Denver and Salt Lake are heavily damaged, but still alright. However, San Francisco I'm afraid, has disappeared completely up its own asshole.
Cartoon Wars Part I (10.03)
- Gerald: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon will be so insensitive as to have Muhammad as a character?
- Randy: Who do you think? The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor... Family Guy!
- Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?!
- Cartman: [about Family Guy] It's wrong! It's wrooooong!
- Chris: Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? If anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if we aren't willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it!
- Mrs. Garrison: Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty passed off too!
- Cartman: Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]
- Wendy: ...Yeah.
- Kyle: You should like that show, your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
- Cartman: [explodes] Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy, you hear me Kyle?! Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!
- Kyle: [realizing] You unbelievable son of a bitch...you never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America, you just want Family Guy off the air!
- Cartman: Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go: 'Hey Cartman you must like Family Guy, right?' 'Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman!' I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes they are inherent to a story! Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangeable joke after another!
- Closing voice over: Will Networks executives stand up for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out?
- Ayman al-Zawahri: Seriously, Family Guy isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs - our retaliation will be MASSIVE!
- Cartman: Oh my god, is that Tim McGraw?
Cartoon Wars Part II (10.04)
- Bart Simpson: [after hitting Kyle over the head with a skateboard] Cowabunga, motherfucker.
- Cartman: I did it! I...am...GOD!
- Cartman: What's the worst thing you've ever done?
- Bart Simpson: I stole the head off a statue once.
- Cartman: Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Gees. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.
- Cartman: I'll use this situation to get Family Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my bidding.
- Bart Simpson: Uh, isn't that like terrorism?
- Cartman: Dude, it's not like terrorism! It is terrorism!
- Kyle: Cartman! You fucking fat ass!
- Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
- Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
- Cartman: Oh goddamnit! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?
- Cartman: Well Kyle, I guess it was inevitable.
- [Cartman and Kyle take their gloves off, stare at each other, and engage in a slap fight]
- Cartman: Ow! Kyle stop it-no Kyle that's too hard!
- President Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is, the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment.
- Reporter 1: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?
- George W. Bush: ...you know. Right to free speech.
- [Many of the reporters groan loudly and begin yelling]
- Reporter 2: Mr. President, when your administration came up with this First Amendment, did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?
- George W. Bush: Well, we didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
- Reporter 3: What do you intend to do about this First Amendment, Mr. President?
- Reporter 4: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this First Amendment sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-jroo.
- [in a meeting with Terrance and Phillip]
- Terrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
- Phillip: You censored out the image of Muhammad in our television special!
- Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Muhammad anymore. It's dangerous.
- Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!
- Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget about it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
- Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Muhammad uncensored!
- CBC President: Ey, I make the rules, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of morals that you have forgotten how to be funny! No Muhammad!
- Terrence: Hello, Muhammad, we've read all about you in the Qur'an.
- Muhammad: I'm here to investigate a murder.
- Fox President:Take this noble child out to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Muhammah episode after all.
- Cartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showing there! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the story-line! Not at all like Family Guy.
- SNN Anchor: Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.
- Al-Zawahri: "Family Guy" better not show Muhammad tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny.
- SNN Anchor: Osama bin Laden had this to say:
- Osama Bin Laden: If you look closely at the writing in Family Guy, you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.
- SNN Anchor: Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Muhammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate.
- Ayman Al-Zawahri: We warned you not to show Muhammad - but "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!
- [the terrorists show a cartoon after Family Guy aired the episode with Muhammad]
- American Male 1: [walks in] Hello, I am American.
- American Male 2: [walks in] I'm American too.
- American Male 1: We like to crap on each other. [the men crap on each other]
- President Bush: [walks in] Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [Craps on both of them]
- American Male 2: Ugh! We love to crap!
- American Female: [walks in] I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.
- American Male 3: [walks in] Let's crap. [all five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the picture]
- Jesus: Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush? [Craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping]
- All: Mm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap, and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on]
- Ayman Al-Zawahri: Ha, ha! Take that! We burned you! That was way funnier than "Family Guy".
- Cartman: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some idea balls to pull from a manatee tank.
- Kyle: WHAT?!
A Million Little Fibers (10.05)
- Towelie: How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?
- Towelie: Don't call me shoe less! YOU'RE shoe less!
- Customer: Yeah, well you're a towel.
- Towelie: You're a towel!
- Manager: Alright, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!
- Towelie: [points at customer] Yeah!
- Manager: Not him, you!
- Towelie: Aw...
- Book Publisher: Because they're people and you're a towel.
- Towelie: You're a towel!
- Book Publisher: No, I'm a big book publisher whose not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs, you're a towel.
- Gary: Are we in Paris, Mingey?
- Oprah Fan: Burn that which lies to Oprah!
- Mingey: [After a gun is fired] What the!? Ha ha! You missed me, you stupid buggers! You see that Gary? They can't even aim!
- Gary: [weakly] Min-Mingey?
- Mingey: Gary? What's wrong?
- Gary: They got me, Mingey.
- Mingey: [horrified] No! Oh no!
- Gary: They got me bad. Oh, the blood...
- Mingey: [crying] Try to hang on, Gary.
- Gary: It... It's getting dark, Minge.
- Mingey: Oh, Gary, what have I got you into?
- Gary: I'm seeing me life flash before me eyes. Mingey?
- Mingey: I'm here, Gary.
- Gary: Where - where are we, Mingey? Are we in Paris?
- Mingey: Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
- Gary: Is it as wonderful as I hoped?
- Mingey: It - It's beautiful. We finally made it.
- Gary: Tell me what you see, Mingey?
- Mingey: Well, there's the... Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre right over there, behind you, and fresh baguettes all around.
- Gary: Ah. I can smell them, Mingey. At least... I got to se Paris before I...
- Mingey: Gary? Gary, say something! [Gary has died] YOU KILLED HIM YOU BASTARDS!! HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT ANY PART IN THIS! [To Oprah] THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU STUPID COW! YOU NEVER GAVE YOUR GARY THE TIME OF DAY, AND NOW HE'S GONE! LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING ANYMORE! WHAT'S THE USE!? I'M COMING TO SEE YOU GARY! [loads the gun] I'M COMING TO SEE YOU!
- Oprah: No! Don't!
- [Mingey shoots himself]
ManBearPig (10.06)
- Kyle: Did Cartman just crap treasure?
- Cartman: It's mine! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me!
- Mr. Mackey: Now today we have a special guest speaker, does anyone know who our last vice-president was?
- [brief silence]
- Kyle: Dick Cheney?
- Mr. Mackey: No, no, the last one.
- Butters: Bill Clinton?
- Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's Vice President.
- [silence, no one knows who Al Gore is]
- Al Gore: I've killed ManBearPig!
- Cartman: If I miss dinner, I'm going to be so pissed off!
- Al Gore: Everyone is super stoked on me, even if they don't know it.
- Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?
- Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.
- Al Gore: It's a half-man, half-bear, and half-pig.
- Al Gore: This looks like ManBearPig central!
- Kyle: It's half-man, and half-bearpig.
- Cartman: No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!
- Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.
- Stan: It could be half-bear and half man-pig.
- Tour Guide: And that whistling sound is why we call this the Cave of the Winds.
- Steven's Wife: Take a picture of the sound, Steven.
- Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school.
- Cartman: You...have that kind of power?
- Stan or Kyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like?
- Al Gore: Kind of like pig droppings but more man-bear like.
- Al Gore: Excelsior!
- Al Gore: Kids, I saved you.
- Stan: Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends. But now I see why you don't have any friends. You just use ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!
- Al Gore: Yeah right. The man that single handedly killed ManBearPig is a loser.
- Al Gore: I am here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end to the human race as we know it. I'm talking, of course, about Manbearpig. It is a creature which roams the Earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that Manbearpig isn't real. Well , I'm here to tell you now, Manbearpig is very real, and he most certainly exists—I'm cereal. Manbearpig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. Manbearpig simply wants to get you. I'm super cereal. But have no fear, because I am here to save you. And someday, when the world is rid of Manbearpig, everyone will say, "Thank you Al Gore—you're super awesome!" The end.
- Al Gore: I'm super cereal.
- Al Gore: Why does nobody believe that I'm cereal?
- Cave Ranger: Okay fellow tourists. Here in this cave we can see some stalagmites and stalactites. Over here we have the "Hanging Mushroom" [shows penis made out of rock], and this one we call "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls" [shows penis and testicle combo], and over here we have "The Two Sisters." [shows two penis & testicle combos]
Tsst (10.07)
- Cartman: I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.
- Jimmy: Who's your best friend?
- Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends! We know everything about each other!
- Jimmy: What's my last name?
- Cartman: [pause] Goddammit.
- Cartman: Goddamn it, Mom! I'm your son and you will listen to me!
- Cesar Millan: TSST!
- Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.
- Kenny: Fuck you.
- Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.
- Cartman: [in British accent] No thanks, I'd rather naught.
- Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.
- Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that?
- Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.
- Stella: [horrified] Why, you... you LITTLE BASTARD! How dare you?!
- Liane: [calmly] Eric, naughty.
- Stella: [picking Cartman up by the collar] What kind of monster would -
- Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!
[At the Slater-Carey Mental Hospital]
- Doctor: I'm afraid Super nanny is in a deep State of mental psychosis.
- Liane: What do you mean?
- Doctor: I mean she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement.
- [They look into room 23A, where Super nanny Jo is fishing poop out of her toilet and eating it]
- Supernanny Jo: From heeell! It's from heeell!
- Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco vendor!
- Cartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!
- Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now!
- Cartman: Stop trying to Bogart my Xbox you fat bitch!
- Liane: And then we'll go to Target, and...I'll buy you a Mega Ranger?
- Cartman: Could I have...two Mega Rangers?
- Liane: You can have anything you want, dear.
- [camera focuses on Cartman and Damien music plays]
Make Love, Not Warcraft (10.08)
- Cartman: [as a dwarf warrior] Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?
- Kyle: [as a female human mage] We're over here, by the cart!
- Cartman: [approaches] Okay, I'm back.
- Stan: [as a human warrior] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
- Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a shit!
- Kyle: If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
- Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fuckin' girl!
- Kenny: [as a human hunter] I think Kyle has sweet titties, ha-ha-ha!
- Cartman: Heh heh, totally!
- Cartman: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!
- [the Rogue player kills Kenny]
- Stan: Oh my god! He killed Kenny!
- Kyle: You...bastard!
- Randy: Stan! Stan!
- Stan: Hang on guys. My dad wants something.
- Randy: Stan!
- Stan: WHAT!?!?!?!?!
- Randy: You've been on your computer all weekend! Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
- Stan: I am socializing, retard! I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak!
- Randy: [long pause] I'm not an retard...
- Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now!
- Cartman: Yeah, it's bull crap. I bet half of these people are Koreans!
- Jim: I've got to get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!
- Rob Pardo: Jim, your kid's characters are already dead.
- Jim: No! They only just started playing!
- Rob Pardo: Whoever this person is, he's played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past two years. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.
- Blizzard Executive: How do you kill that which has no life?
- Nelson: Randy, working on that sediment analysis?
- Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're on a mission to explore the Tower Of Azora together.
- Nelson: Is that a computer game?
- Randy: No, retard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level two. I can chat with all these other people, and check it out, I can even wave to this guy here. [waves to another player, who waves back] In the outside world I'm a simple geologist, but in here... I am Valkor, defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargo-deep mines and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's La--
- [The Rogue walks up behind Valkor and stabs him unexpectedly]
- Nelson: Looks like that guy just killed you. [walks away]
- Randy: What? Why? WHY?!
- Cartman: If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would, right?
- Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.
- Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
- Clyde: No.
- Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?
- Clyde: Okay, all right, I'll do it!
- Blizzard Executive: We can't give the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a newb!
- Randy: Stan! Stan!
- Stan: Dad, not now!
- Randy: Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!
- Stan: How did you get that?!
- Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!
- [long pause]
- Randy: Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?
- Stan: Bring up your Inventory screen, Ctrl-I!
- Randy: Okay...
- Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?!
- Stan: [receives sword] I got it!
- [The Rogue kills Randy's character]
- Stan: Dad!
- Randy: (weakly) Staaaan...
- Stan: [to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!
- Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!
- [Kenny shoots Jenkins with an arrow; Kyle brings him down with a fireball; Cartman approaches)
- Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with his hammer]
- Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.
- Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.
- Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.
- [long pause]
- Cartman: [sighs] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
- Butters: Oh...all right, then.
- Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors and...right click!
- Rob Pardo: Gentlemen, this could very well be the end of the World...of Warcraft.
- Developer: No... NOOOOO!
- Rob Pardo: I don't have a World of Warcraft account, do you?
- Mike: No, I have a life!
- Cartman: [all have died after attempting to outnumber and overpower The Rogue Player, with only Cartman's character left alive] No! Leave me alone! Don't do this-! [The Rouge kills him and jumps around the fallen players as if he's taunting them. Cut to an enraged Cartman]
- Cartman: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!!!!!
- Stan: [after defeating The Rogue Player] That was such uber-pwnage!
- Cartman: All right, major stone shield potions... should be... oh God, I'm gonna have diarrhea again. Aaaaagh... doo!
- Stan: You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!
- Cartman: It's okay. [over intercom] Mom! Bathroom!
- Liane: What hon?
- Cartman: Bathroom! Bathroom!
- [Liane comes down to the basement and holds a bedpan under her son's ass. Cartman takes down his pants and out comes a spattering stream of shoot. Some of it ends up on the floor, some on Liane's blouse and trousers]
- Liane: Ooh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [exits with the poop-filled bedpan]
- Cartman: All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow...
- [having saved the World of Warcraft by playing the game non-stop for several months]
- Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
- Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
- Kyle: Oh, yeah.
- Cartman: Okay, Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your Hot bar.
Mystery of the Urinal Deuce (10.09)
- Kyle: [after the conspiracy is blown] So who caused 9/11?
- Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off Muslims.
- Hardly Boy: Yeah, what are you, retarded?
- [Kyle, Stan, Cartman are arguing over 9/11 conspiracy.]
- Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?
- Kyle: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!
- Cartman: Oh really? Well, did you know that over 1/4th of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that 1/4th of Americans are retards?!
- Kyle: Yes, I'm saying 1/4th of Americans are retards.
- Stan: Yeah, at least 1/4th.
- Kyle: Let's take a test sample. [to Cartman] There's four of us. You're a retard. That's 1/4th.
- George W. Bush: Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.
- Kyle: Really?
- Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get away with it! People know!
- George W. Bush: People, you mean sheep. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.
- Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are you doing?
- George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
- Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website.
- George W. Bush: Too late.
- [head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush shoots him in the head]
- Stan: Jesus Christ!
- Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.
- George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.
- Kyle: No way.
- Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!
- George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off really, all I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like 4 planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew 2 military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.
- Kyle: Really?!
- [Mr. Mackey addresses the boys in the school gym]
- Mr. Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal. M'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. [walks up to the school janitor, who's a Latino] This is Mr. Venezuela, the school janitor. M'kay? He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! M'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay, then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face! So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head! [the boys laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!
- Head of the conspiracy group: You don't understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.
- Kyle: "Code 234."
- Head of the conspiracy group: We think they came from a government office.
- Kyle: What is it?
- Head of the conspiracy group: It's anthrax.
- Police Chief: This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!
- Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the god damn-- m'kay.
- [Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video]
- Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.
- [Mr. Mackey addresses Clyde in his office]
- Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
- Clyde: I dunno. [looks away]
- Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room, and you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it laying there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde struggles to contain his laughter] M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown rag doll! [Clyde bursts out laughing]
- Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
- Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that's good! [to Clyde] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poop-scapade!
- [Mr. Mackey addresses the students over the PA system]
- Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five. M'kay? Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice. 'Cause one of you thought it would be a good idea... to pull down your pants, m'kay... [cut to the hall; all the students there are listening] ...hover your butt cheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hotdog. M'kay? [the students laugh] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! [cut back to Mr. Mackey] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny... about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal... [cut to the gym; the students there have stopped practicing basketball to listen] ...m'kay, dropping your pants and then... turning around... squatting over that urinal... m'kay, maybe, maybe pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay... and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the gym students laugh] Oh yeah, that's REAL funny! [cut back to Mr. Mackey as he slams the mic down in anger] I'm gonna catch this son of a bitch if it's the last thing I DO! M'kay??!
- [Stan cleans the urinal under Mr. Mackey's supervision]
- Mr. Mackey: When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay! How would YOU feel, if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!
Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (10.10)
- Cartman As The Dawg: Go with Christ, bro'.
- Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair - with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then, darn!
- Cartman As The Dawg: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
- Kid: What?
- [Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process]
- Cartman As The Dawg: You know what this is?! [holds up bear mace for the kid to see] This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
- Kid: [holds up hall pass] It's right here.
- Cartman As The Dawg: Alright, cool, bro'. Go with Christ. [starts to walk away]
- Kid: What, you can't just push me up against the--?
- [Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off screen]
- Kyle: [to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?
- Stan: Sure, dude.
- Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
- [Cartman walks up]
- Kyle: My little brother and his teach—-
- Cartman As The Dawg: Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
- Kyle: Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
- Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
- Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
- [long silence]
- Stan: Wow.
- Kenny: Really?!
- Cartman As The Dawg: Damn, bro, your Lil' brother is pretty cool.
- Kyle: It's not cool, Ike isn't old enough to understand.
- Cartman As The Dawg: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
- [long pause]
- Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
- Cartman As The Dawg: Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
- Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.
- Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
- Kyle: You guys don't understand. His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break.
- [Cartman starts to walk off]
- Kyle: And during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways.
- [Cartman pauses]
- Cartman As The Dawg: They what?
- Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways.
- Cartman As The Dawg: [turns around] Hang on a second, Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
- Kyle: Well, they're doing it.
- Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, well now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction; if someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!
- Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]
- The fear of darkness is all around you
- The criminal are on the run
- Now you better bring your hall pass
- I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg
- I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
- The hallway monitor
- Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]
- I got some bad-ass guys to help me
- I only have to pay them fifteen bucks
- If you think you can get away without having a hall pass
- You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg
- I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
- Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again
- [after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]
- Cartman As The Dawg: Well, once again, The Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.
- Cartman As The Dawg: We can do this the easy way or we can do it Doggie style.
- Kyle: Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.
- Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
- Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
- All Policemen: [pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]
- Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher--what is his name?
- Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.
- Sgt Yates: [sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?
- Kyle: No, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.
- Sgt Yates: [even more surprised] The blonde?
- Kyle: Yeah.
- Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?
- Kyle: Yeah.
- Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had sex?
- Kyle: Yes.
- Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on him?
- Kyle: I think so.
- Officers: Nice.
- Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?
- Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]
- Kyle: What? He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!
- Sgt Yates: You're right. This is serious. We must find this kid and give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle howls in frustration and runs off]
- Butters [singing to himself at the urinal]: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, what do you know. Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.
- Cartman: 'Kay so then, I put my finger up my butt-hole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! [laughs] Oh, God. You should've been there.
- Hall Monitor: Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.
- Cartman: What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!
- Hall Monitor: I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.
- Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, you ginger-Jew-rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie. Who the fuck do you think you are?!
(after the teacher says she is an alcoholic)
- Cartman: I don't believe it. She is using the Mel Gibson defense.
- Sgt Murphy: Do we still press charges?
- Sgt Yates: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
- Randy: Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.
- Doctor: Was there ever history of sexual abuse in your family?
- Ms. Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss, and he'd take pictures.
- Doctor: ...Nice.
- Ms. Stevenson: Ike let's get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think we should go to Milan, like we talked about.
- Ike: Yay, Milan.
- Sgt. Yates: You're so full of crap, Foley!
- Officer Foley: What?! I did shoot him in the face. Twice!
- Sgt. Yates: Are you sure you are not lying, Foley?
- Officer Foley: No, really. I shot both of them. They weren't even doing nothing.
- Sgt. Yates: Damn it! Where were all these sexed up teachers when I was a kid?!
Hell on Earth 2006 (10.11)
- Satan's minion: Satan, we have a problem.
- Satan: What?
- Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned up in a Crocodile Hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests!
- Satan: Oh jeez. [walks across the party to a guest in a Crocodile Hunter outfit with a stingray hanging off his chest] Erm, er, dude, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, he only died a few weeks ago. It's just not cool, gotta leave.
- Steve Irwin: But it's me Satan, Steve Irwin! I am the Crocodile Hunter!
- Satan: Oh. Oh but then dude, no costume. Sorry you're going to have to go!
- Steve Irwin: [being dragged away] Wait! I thought we were friends!
- Satan: Oh hey Sinatra!
- Satan: [having been told his guests don't care about the Acura cake] It's not about them, it's about meeeeeeeeee!
- Satan's minion: Wow, what a jerk.
- Satan: [to crowd] Everybody, I'm sorry. Halloween is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realize that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl.
- Butters: But dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna bust a cap in my ass!
- Satan: Then, at midnight for dessert, I was thinking we could bring out a giant chocolate fondue fountain.
- Hotel owner: Oh yeah. P. Daddy had his birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.
- Satan: Oh, screw that then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P. Daddy had one.
- Satan's minion: Does it matter?
- Satan: Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it if Daddy did it.
- Satan's minion: How about a doughnut machine?
- Satan: [to hotel owner] Did Daddy do it?
- Hotel owner: Daddy did do it.
- Satan: A full ice cream bar!
- Hotel owner: Daddy did it.
- Satan: Damn it, what didn't Daddy do?!
Go God Go (10.12)
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Science darn you, Unified Atheist Alliance!
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): I shall personally kill the time child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!
- Ms. Garrison: I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman.
- Kyle: [to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!
- Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself.
- Cartman: Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?
- Stan: It's still three weeks.
- Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
- Kyle: Will you shut up already?
- Ms. Garrison: Okay children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
- Butters: Oh, boy!
- Ms. Garrison: Now, I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bull-crap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had butt-sex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey; that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel, congratulations!
- Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]
- Ms. Garrison: See, I knew that would happen.
- EV Games Employee: [to Cartman] Look, kid, for the 40th time: pacing in front of the store isn't going to make the Wii come any faster.
- Ms. Garrison: And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well act like a monkey, huh?! [starts acting like a monkey, then pulls down her pants and starts pooping into her hand]
- Richard Dawkins: What on Earth are you doing?!
- Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me, i'm a fucking monkey! [throws feces at Dawkins's face]
Go God Go XII (10.13)
- United Atheist League member: Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.
- Repeated line: Science damn it!
- [Richard Dawkins runs out of Mrs. Garrison's house after discovering she is a post-op trans woman]
- Ms. Garrison: Fine then! Go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!
- K-10: Bark-bark. Hello, Eric, I have missed you.
- Cartman: Suck my balls, K-10, I'm not in the mood.
- The Wise One: Maybe some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows, maybe just believing in God...makes God exist. [thoughtful, solemn pause]
- Sea Otters: Kill the Wise One! KILL THE WISE ONE!
- [The Wise One is slaughtered by a mob of otters]
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Kill the table-eaters, IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY SCIENCE!
- Clerk: Hey kid, somebody's on the phone for you.
- Cartman: Hello?
- Cartman (2546): [on phone] Hello? Hello?
- [cut to 2546, where Cartman and others are floating on purple bubbles, while using the Crank Prank Time Phone]
- Cartman (2546): I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient, and wait for two months. Do you hear me?
- [back to 2006, Cartman is now reluctant]
- Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, Kyle. [ends call, gives phone back to clerk and leaves]
Stanley's Cup (10.14)
- [the county official takes out a record player and it begins playing a bass rhythm]
- County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem is... [record scratch] ...his bike's been impounded! But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy!
- County official: Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle And his only way out is to coach... [record scratch] ...a pee-wee hockey team! And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.
- County official: Stan Marsh is always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye what seemed important before can all be put in prospective. Stan Marsh is...bumming on Cancer.
- Number 8: Coach, I have to go potty!
- Stan: All right, fine, go ahead.
- Number 8: By myself?
- Stan: Just, hold it a while, okay?
- Number 7: What does "passing" mean?
- Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player!
- Number 15: My mommy says I'm as big as the sky!
- Number 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
- Number 6 (Morgan): I did NOT!
- Stan: [irritated] All right, all right! SHUT UP!
- Number 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.
- Randy Marsh: Your mother's been worried sick! And I've been watching TV.
- Randy Marsh: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
- Stan: [frustrated] What are you talking about?
- Randy Marsh: Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
- Stan: I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...
- Dr. Doctor: That kid's got as much hope as Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.
- Parent: No, I'm just his father. But you are his coach. You're like a father to him.
- Randy Marsh: And Stan.. Don't forget.. Win or lose... That's the only choices you have. Win, or lose..
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