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Leverage (2008–2012) is an American TV series created by John Rogers and Chris Downey. It follows a group of thieves who steal mainly from corrupt corporations to return money to their victims.

The Long Way Down Job [4.1]

Sophie: Just how dangerous is this gig you took without checking with us first??

Nate: Yeah, uh...

Hardison: Ridiculously dangerous! It's like a danger cupcake with murder icing.

Eliot: [to Nate] You're very good at what you do, but you can't con a mountain.

Sophie: Nate, I'm at a party full of drunk millionaires far from home who are dizzy from lack of oxygen. It's like grifter Christmas in here.

Nate: Let's go steal a mountain.

Parker: Again.

Nate: What?

Parker: Again. We already stole a mountain, two years ago.

Nate: We did?

Eliot: Well, technically it was a resort, not a mountain, but yeah.

Hardison: You were also very drunk on that one.

[After hearing Sophie conning Drexel]

Karen: She's kind of scary.

Nate: You have no idea.

Nate: You're emotionally involved. It leads to bad decisions.

Hardison: I'm sorry, did you just say that? With a straight face?

Nate: Not helpful. Not helpful at all.

Sophie: I'm running out of cons here.

Eliot: We can't send another climber on the ridge, no.

Eliot: You sure about that?

Nate: What do you mean?

Eliot: 'Cause I got a footprint. Russian. Spetsnaz.

Parker: [Incredulously] Seriously?

Eliot: It's a very distinctive footprint.

Nate: Now let me get this straight. When I said--when I said "simple stall," you heard..."multi-national, high-finance feeding frenzy," right??

Sophie: Tomahto, tomato.

The 10 Li'l Grifters Job [4.2]

Nate: Okay, okay, it's not what it looks like.

Hammett: Looks like Morris Beck's been murdered. You're left holding the bag for it.

Nate: Maybe it is what it looks like.

Parker: I've never been to a costume party.

Sophie: Now that is just heartbreaking.

Eliot: [Angrily, over the comm] Why'd you have to dress me up like Howdy Doody?!

Sophie: Actually, Charlie Siringo was a real-life cowboy and a Pinkerton detective.

Eliot: Why couldn't you have picked me something normal, like Hardison?

Hardison: Excuse you? No way in the world I'd have picked Encyclopedia Brown as my....these ugly-ass penny loafers.

Sophie: Hardy Boys. You're the Hardy Boys, and Parker's Nancy Drew.

Eliot: Yeah, well, why did Nate get to pick his own gear?

Sophie: Because he's just a bit more of a whiny baby than the rest of you.

Nate: Let's go steal a murder.

Beck: Welcome...to this year's gala. Or, as I like to refer to it, "Humiliation 101." [Laughs]

Hardison: Nate, we got a problem. This place isn't just off the grid, it's in a whole damn time warp.

Parker: Definitely 1850s. Before the Civil War.

Nate: It's old? That's the problem?

Hardison: It's prehistoric. It's totally analog, all manual. There's a junction box on every damn floor. There's no computers, nothing to crack, nothing to hack. [Lights flicker off and on] And that is on my last nerve.

Nate: Hardison, what's the rule?

Hardison: Don't bring up a problem unless you got a fix.

Sophie: All right, it's your bar. Think. It's what you do.

Nate: Yeah, thanks, yeah.

Sophie: But while you're thinking, think about this. Are you climbing into that bottle because of what you think we see when we look at you, or because of what you see in the mirror?

The 15 Minutes Job [4.3]

Nate: I can resist the spotlight, by the way.

Sophie: Of course you can. Never see you taking any kind of victory lap after you've pushed us all to the edge, or sticking around to gloat over the bad guy being dragged away.

Nate: Hm. Is that sarcasm?

Sophie: A mild amount.

Hardison: Rockwell's brilliant, he's ruthless. Stone-cold solid. It's a shame we got to take the man down. I'd almost consider making him a part of the team.?

Nate: Yeah, uh, Rockwell has his boot on my friend's throat, Hardison.?

Hardison: I said, "almost."

Parker: This guy's not a hero.

Nate: No. He's the only thing better than a hero. He's a mystery.

Sophie: [to Nate] He [Rockwell] works from the shadows deciding who to take down, convinced he's making the world a better place, implying a certain moral superiority over his victims. Any of this sound like someone we know?

Nate: I mean, what we're really asking here is how would I destroy myself.?

Parker: Yeah, and you can't say "booze."

Parker: [on grifting the mark] I think I'm getting better at this.?

Hardison: I'm cloning Rockwell's cell phone right now. Good work, girl.?

Parker: I didn't even stab him!

Hardison: Yeah--we are so proud of you. Uh, no stabbing Wednesdays. New tradition.

Sophie: Well, the guy we're clearing out was a fireman for 43 years and just donated a kidney to his best friend.

Hardison: We're not gonna hurt him.

Sophie: I'm just saying, it's lucky we don't believe in hell.

Hardison: Nate believes in hell. Shoot, I believe in hell.

Sophie: Oh, yeah.

Sophie: Consciously or not, I think you look at Reed Rockwell and see everything you hate about Nathan--

Nate: Any way I can get you not to finish that thought?

Sophie: You know, for a while there you were an honest man. And then for a while you were a thief.?

Nate: Yeah, well maybe I'm both.?

Sophie: You can't be both. I'm just not sure at this point which one I want to win.

The Van Gogh Job [4.4]

Eliot: Where are you at?

Hardison: I'm in a damn storage closet. Smells like mothballs and old people.

Sophie: Hello, little hidden key to a safety deposit box.

Sophie: You can't possibly know that's the real story.

Nate: No, but it's the best story.

Parker Take care of yourself Charlie.

Charlie: That's one thing I've always done...There's one thing I want to tell you. [He glances from Parker to Hardison then back] Don't waste time.

The Hot Potato Job [4.5]

Eliot: She gotcha, man, you got a little blood right there.

Hardison: Yeah, she got a right hook like a freight train.

Eliot: She put her hips into it?

Hardison: I'm pretty sure she did.

Eliot: That's my girl!

Hardison: Stop. Don't teach people how to do that!

Nate: Burn room?

Hardison: It's usually a vault within a vault. The walls are lined with thermite. All he has to do is press a button and flame on. All his dirty secrets burn away.

Parker: Everything burns? I want one.

Hardison: [after stealing an ID] And what? Say something now.

Eliot: [sarcastically] Yeah, one good lift in three years. Awesome!

Parker: So, we have to fool the security system to get the banana?

Nate: Potato.

Parker: Whatever.

Nate: On the other hand, sometimes old school really is the best kind of security, I mean...

Hardison: [whispers to Trevor] No, it's not.

Nate: What?

Hardison: I'm listening. [whispers to Trevor] He's old.

Parker: So the diamond is in the potato?

Hardison: Par...There is no diamond. VerdAgra. Super tuber. Haven't you been listening?

Parker: Not really.

The Carnival Job [4.6]

Eliot: I thought we were supposed to hate the guys that we take down.?

Nate: Not a requirement, a perk... usually.

Hardison: But it's not--it's not what you think, at all. It's an ASCD, an Automated Safe Cracking Device.?

Parker: I'm a safe-cracking device. [Stomps out]

Nate: [walking into the frame and looking at Hardison] I told you not to call it Parker.

[When Molly is kidnapped]

Nate: No, this can't be an abduction. This is K&R. The Russian buys, they want the chip. We are on a reset. Our main objective is the girl. We find her, bring her back safe. We lose the chip if we have to. We burn Connell if we have to. Anyone have a problem, speak now.

Nate: Eliot, we're gonna need to know if anyone has left the carnival.

Eliot: Forty seconds from the main entrance. Nate, if I'm engaged...

Nate: Do your worse.

Hardison: [Instructing Eliot with chemicals] Now mix and run like hell.

Eliot: [sets off a minor explosion with thick smoke] Dammit, Hardison! A little warning next time!

Hardison: What you think "run like hell" meant?

Hardison: I didn't make her to replace you. I would never want to replace you. I--she's--she's for you.

Parker: I love it. I'm gonna call it Hardy.

The Grave Danger Job [4.7]

Nate: Darlene Wickett and her sons are embezzling money from the dying and grieving. It's the oldest grift in the book.?

Sophie: And the cruelest. Even I never ran that one--it's tacky.

Parker: Okay, she's a horrible human being, but she's got solid taste in home security.

Parker: Never plan a heist in a building with so many windows.

Parker: [Hardison is currently buried and struggling] Sophie, he's losing it. He needs you.

Sophie: Parker, listen to me, you have spent a disproportionate amount of your life in air ducts. You more than anyone know how control your breathing. He doesn't need me. He needs you.

Hardison: Put me in a coffin. Here it comes to you. Got something for you. Boom. Evidence. Get it, get it, get it, get it.

Nate: Is that really necessary?

Hardison: The man put me in a coffin, Nate. A damn coffin.

Nate: That's true.

The Boiler Room Job [4.8]

Eliot: Where's--are we waiting on Parker??

Hardison: Oh, man, she's at that damned chocolate festival. It's like sending a crack addict to a cocaine convention. Girl texted me about an hour ago, misspelled every damned word. Look, "yu gedde yesh dis stuf." Probably got chocolate all over the buttons.?

Parker: [over the comms] Hi, Hardison!?

Hardison: Um... hello??

Parker: Nate won't tell me what the name of the job is.?

Nate: Parker, not now. Please?

Parker: Yeah, but what are we stealing? Is it "let's go steal a mountain" or a potato or a funeral or a panda or...

Hardison: I told y'all not to let her go to that festival unsupervised.

[Sophie has just wowed the team--and the mark--with her performance as The Chocolate Whisperer]

Hardison: [disbelieving] Just one piece of chocolate?

Nate: That's my girl.

Hardison: She's scary.

FBI Agent: Greg Sherman, aka....what is it again?

[The civilians start yelling out random fish.]

Parker: Crappie? Blowfish?

Sophie: Gefilte Fish.

[As he's being arrested]

Sherman: Wait a minute. Who are all these people? They're not shills.

Nate: Oh, these people? They are your victims. Meet Mr. and Mrs. Wang. You stole $68,000 from Mr. Wang's father. It was all the money he had. You stole from every single person in this room. Every single one of them is a victim.

FBI Agent: Are you Special Agent Hagen?

Parker: Mm-hm.

FBI Agent: Agent McSweeten sends his best. And he also sends a...haiku.

Parker: That's so nice. Say "hi" back.

[At seeing two of the victims dancing together]

Hardison: That is at the same time beautiful and very disturbing.

The Cross My Heart Job [4.9]

[The team is discussing what to do after someone steals a donor heart being transported by their new client]

Parker: Can't we just get another heart?

Eliot: [looking annoyed] From who?

Eliot: You carry high heels in your purse?

Sophie: I always travel with heels.

Eliot: Don't suppose you travel with handcuffs?

Sophie: No, not on this trip.

Sophie: Hey, you all right with this one?

Nate: What?

Sophie: Well, you said it yourself—-a kid's life is at stake. You don't think this might get too personal?

Nate: Does it matter?

Hardison: Look, man, this is like stone knives and bearskins, okay? Nobody's asking Eliot to fight a guy with a Nerf sword.

Eliot: Damascus, 2002.

Hardison: Like you've been to Damascus.

Nate: [on how they're going to steal an airline employee badge] We're gonna twist Sophie's ankle.

[Later]

Parker: [asking how to get another badge] How do we get do that? Break Eliot's wrist?

Hardison: What? No, we just pick one up from where the ground crew left it.

[Later]

Sophie: [discussing the final step-getting into the airline tower] Well, we have to lure them out...

Parker: Oh! Okay, set Nate on fire?

Eliot: [looking annoyed] Settle down!

Parker: [sarcastically, after opening the combination lock on a locker] Yeah, this will keep my stuff safe, pff, from a 6-year-old with DTs.

[opens the locker, takes out a jacket and removes the badge while Eliot smashes a lock open with the palm of his hand, removes a second badge from the locker]

Hardison: It's a girl's badge--

Eliot: Man up!

Sophie: You just told the mark we're after him.

Nate: No, no. He knew we were on to him as soon as we grounded his plane.

Sophie: You gave him your name!

Nate: I want him to know my name.

Hardison: You better readjust your peripherals!

Hardison: [after faking his way into the flight tower] I don't care what anybody else says, next time I'm taking the train.

Nate: I know what you're gonna say.

Sophie: I think you should have a drink.

Nate: Okay, I didn't know what you were gonna say.

Nate [over the radio]: Hardison, uh, we need a tornado.

Hardison: A what?

Chesney: You know, you have a strange sense of humor, Mr. Ford. Why are you toying with me, with my heart?

Nate: Well, it's not your heart now, is it?

Chesney: Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Nate: Well, I don't have much use for the law, and you don't have much time.

Chesney: This is my only chance. I've planned for months. I have eight backup contingencies. I'm fighting for my life, Mr. Ford! What are you fighting for?

Nate: I am fighting for that 15-year-old boy that you're going to kill.

Chesney: [Scoffs] God helps those who help themselves.

Nate: And I help people who can't. And God help you if anything should happen to that boy, because if he spends more than one second longer in that hospital than he needs to, I will make it my mission in life to end you. I will ruin you. I will ruin your name. I will ruin your company. I will bring down everything you have ever touched. And when I am done, I will hunt you down, and I will kill you myself.

Hardison: No. No, look, I said no. It's...not a good time. We have a tornado warning. Hello.

Captain: Tower, we need that vector.

Hardison: No. No. Look. Tell the people to parachute down. I don't care. Do something. But you cannot land that plane!

Captain: Tower, we're at min fuel. We do not have time to mess around. I've got 345 people up here. This is my bird. I'm the captain, and I'm landing over your objections.

Hardison: You can do that?

Hardison: [to himself] It's just landing a plane with 300 people, it's whatever. Why didn't I play more flight simulators?

Chesney: Well, Mr. Ford, it seems you've killed me after all.

Nate: Oh, I didn't kill you. God killed you. I just made sure it took.

The Queen's Gambit Job [4.10]

Nate: You still haven't told me what's in it for me.

Sterling: I will owe you a favor. How often does that happen?

Nate: [over comms] Eliot, try not to kill Sterling, we may need him.

Eliot: [looks indignant] I can't promise that!

Sterling: [glances at Eliot] What was that?

Hardison: This thing is like the nuclear equivalent of the One Ring.

Sophie: Ring? What ring?

Nate: Oh, please. Don't get him started.

Nate: We know what security system is protecting the weight, so all we got to do is hack into it.

Hardison: Okay, let's get one thing clear here. What you say "we," you really mean me. And what do you mean, "just hack into it," Nate? I don't know what this thing is. Never seen it before in my life. How am I supposed to hack it?

Nate: That's a very good question, Hardison. I'm sure you'll have it figured out by tomorrow. Good luck. [Leaves the room]

Sterling: Some things just never change. [Sophie and Hardison glare at him] Is it time for me to go, too?

[As she trying out the weighed boots]

Parker: It's like I'm the human Hulk. Parker smash! [Hits the table]

Nate: Oh, I was just saying I think you're taking some unnecessary risks.

Olivia: If I were afraid of a little danger, I would play checkers.

Nate: Well, you must be afraid of something.

Olivia: Spider. Poisoned prawns. Carbs. But you want to know what I'm not afraid of?

Nate: Hmm.

Olivia: Being afraid. [Nate chuckles] You like that? I stole it from my dad.

Hardison: Parker, that...that sounded a lot like ball bearings rolling across the floor.

Parker: Uh huh.

Hardison: Was that because there were ball bearings rolling across the floor?

Parker: Uh huh.

Parker: Where's Nate?

Sophie: Playing chess.

Parker: Again?

Sophie: Always.

Nate: Why'd you come to me?

Sterling: 'Cause you're the best thief I've ever seen. I couldn't risk anything less.

Sophie: So, what, the salt was plan B?

Nate: No, no, that's, ah, that's plan M.

Hardison: Don't I die in plan M?

Nate: Yeah, usually.

Hardison: What you mean, usually? How many plans do I die in?

Nate: C, F, and M through Q.

Hardison: C, that's a little close to home, man. You need to switch that up. How many plans does Eliot die in?

Nate: None. And [pointing to Parker] none. And [pointing to Sophie]...nnehh. There is a plan where he [Eliot] comes out of it with a scar from the temple through the eye all the way down to his mouth--

Parker: Ooh! You'd look so cool with a scar!

Sophie: Wait, wait, wait, go back, hold on, let's rewind--you skipped past me! You skipped past me.

Nate: Well, I have one, there is a plan, but it's evolving.

Sophie: Okay, that's creepy. Don't you think that's creepy? He's planning my death.

The Experimental Job [4.11]

Hardison: Until recently, they held these experiments in, like, a private farm facility, but after Schaevel's death, they moved it here, to the basement of the university Psychology building. Now, most people would dive into the question of, "why did they move"? I, however, am not most people.

Nate: You want to skip the "behold my genius" part and get to what you found?

Nate: Ever been quail hunting, Hardison?

Hardison: Do I look like I go quail hunting?

Eliot: Let me ask him something. You ever played a video game where you go quail hunting?

Nate: You see, the birds, understandably, they don't like to be shot-

Parker: So they hide in the bushes. When you hunt, you have to beat the bushes with a stick. That way, you scare the birds into the sky, and there's a man waiting there with a gun and good aim, and he... [makes a gun cocking sound] ...picks them off.

Hardison: That is seriously messed up. Why would y'all tell me something like that? [to Parker] Why do you know that?

[As they are watching Travis Zilgram in a field]

Nate: Kid's making me nervous.

Hardison: He's not doing anything.

Nate: Yeah, but that's my point, you know? He should be panicking, and he's not.

Hardison: He's just a kid, Nate. How bad could it get?

Nate: How many grown men said that about you while you were raining digital fire down on their lives?

Hardison: Ah, now I'm nervous.

Grizzled POW: [Showing his tattoo] Semper Fi. You know what it means? In English? Most people don't.

Eliot: It means "always faithful."

Grizzled POW: That's the promise a Marine makes to his country. They don't tell you it only goes one way.

Eliot: If this country was known for keeping its promises, we wouldn't need Marines, would we?

Grizzled POW: [Laughs] You got that right, brother!

Eliot: What do you want to know? Names? Dates? Locations? What food was on their breath? Their eyes? You want to know what color their eyes were? Want to know the last words they spoke? Want to know which ones deserved it? Or better yet, the ones that didn't? Want to know which ones begged? Want to know why I know these things? Because I can’t forget. So there’s nothing you can do, no punishment you can hand out that I don't live with every day. So to answer your question, no, I never counted. I don’t need to.

Parker: So, remember last night when you were playing with your pretend friends?

Hardison: They're not pretend. They're just not in the same room as me.

Parker: They're an elf, a dwarf, and a thing with a tail. I'm pretty sure they're pretend. Remember when you took the thingy with the glowing thingy and used it to kill the guy who was on the shiny stuff and also there was all this magic?

Hardison: [smiles] I think so

Parker: That was so cool. I mean how many people here are cool enough to kill the guy with the thing?

Hardison: You're right. That was pretty cool.

Parker: Yeah [kisses his cheek and walks away]

Sophie [over comms]: That actually worked?

Hardison: No, but the fact that she thought it would work, that worked.

Parker: Should I tell him it's the age of the geek?

Hardison: He'll figure it out eventually.

Elliot: Now, I got four minutes to prove your theory wrong.

CIA Man: What theory?!

Elliot: That torture doesn't work.

The Office Job [4.12]

Gunther: Would you describe yourself as having any kind of life outside of work?

Nate: Uh, excuse me?

Gunther: Do you have any outside interests? Do you do ever do anything but than this?

Nate: Of course I do. I... Why does this even matter? This is so...

Gunther: Well, your coworker suggested I ask.

Nate: She did. You know what you should ask her?

---

Sophie: [spluttering] I'm--could--could you repeat--

---

Nate: "Career," heh.

---

Sophie: No, I wouldn't say that my acting career fizzled, I just...I just put it on hold to pursue other things.

Gunther: But he implied it might have something to do with ageism.

---

Nate: Functioning alcoholic! Functioning! She always leaves that part out. And speaking of leaving...

---

Sophie: No, I didn't abandon them to gad about, I just...I faked my own death and went on a voyage of self-discovery.

---

Nate: [laughs] God complex...What does that even mean?

---

Sophie: Shrew? Shrew?! Shrew?!

---

Nate: Now that, that right there, that's a lie. I love foreplay.

[After being seen tackling Doug]:

Eliot: He copped to stealing office supplies. Three cases of sticky notes.

Eliot: Nobody throws Hardison off a roof... except maybe me... no. [considers]

The Girls Night Out Job [4.13]

Parker: You remember Peggy from that jury duty job? She moved here from Boston last year so we've been doing brunch and other normal people stuff.

Sophie: And we're very proud of you.

Parker: Well, brunch isn't hard. I mean, there are forks.

Parker: You know that thing you do when you fix whatever I'm doing wrong?

Sophie: You mean advice?

Parker: Umm hmm.

[later]

Parker: Wait, you haven't fixed me yet!

Parker: I just uploaded some photos to my sky drive. Can you run that face thing that tells you if people are bad?

Tara: So much for a night of unbridled debauchery.

Sophie: Oh, boo-hoo. Just last Wednesday, you were sipping champagne on a G4 with a racing car driver.

Tara: Yes, who thinks I'm heir to the Pillsbury fortune. Any guess how long that'll last?

Sophie: Whatever happened to the nice chef in Lyon with the fabulous silver hair?

Tara: Oh, no. He thinks I'm a professional golfer, or banker, I keep forgetting. I got so many lies, I have to store them on my phone.

Sophie: The lament of the grifter. Who really knows us?

Sophie: Oooh, Diplomatic ID. Very handy for getting out of parking tickets

Tara [about Sophie's method of getting into the party]: Russian escort? That was so 3 years ago.

[Sophie and Tara developing a plan to switch briefcases in the middle of a crowded party.]

Tara: You start a fire in the kitchen, I grab the briefcase, we use the crowd for cover.

Sophie: I was thinking of something a little less...trample-y?

Sophie: How do we disarm it?

Tara: You're asking me?

Sophie: You were in the Army.

Tara: You stole paintings. That doesn't mean you know how to draw.

[Hardison is being chased by some very angry dogs when Sophie calls]

Hardison: What? I'm busy!

Sophie: Look, I just sent you a picture.

Hardison: Oh, let me guess, it's a picture of another handsome dude. [looks] Okay, it's a bomb! Umm. whooo...

Sophie: Yes, it's a bomb. Now just stop playing with that dog and help us!.

The Boys Night Out Job [4.14]

Bonnano: So, what kind of work you in, Shelly?

Shelly: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Bonanno: [laughs] Yeah, right.

Eliot: Yeah, he really would.

Eliot: Yeah, he went to jail, then escaped.

Shelly: Shouldn't that bug you?

Bonnano: You get used to it.

[Two thugs chasing Hurley and Nate]

Thug 1: The church! They're in the church.

Thug 2: I'm not just busting into a church to kill two men.

Thug 1: What if they're in the church basement? If they're in the church basement then we can kill 'em.

Thug 2: So you're implying that the church is holy, but the church basement isn't?

Thug 1: You don't say Mass in the basement. The church basement is not holy ground.

Thug 2: So what, it goes: Holy ground, uuumm, the basement, holy ground?

Thug 1: The Boy Scouts meet in the basement and they're not a religious group.

Thug 2: A Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Reverent is there at the end because it is, if not a faith-based organization, not entirely secular!

Thug 1: How do you know the Boy Scout oath?

Thug 2: We all had dreams once.

[Giving Hardison relationship advice]

Eliot: I don't know, man. Maybe every once in a while take the hoodie off, put a suit on, maybe light some candles, back away from Witch of Warcraft...

Nate: So the local branch of the cartel is gonna take delivery of the drugs and kill Hurley to cover their tracks.

Hurley: What do the Irish want?

Nate: They want to steal the delivery and kill you to send a message.

Hurley: That's a lot of killing me in there

Shelly: They're not coming back with that pizza, are they?

Bonnano: You get used to it.

Hurley: Nate, I know I'm not your friend, but I want you to know, you are my friend.

Nate: Thanks.

Hardison: Of course I'm a racist, I'm a dirty cop!

Irish Thug: Why is there a nun's habit without the nun?

Nate: Rapture!

The Lonely Hearts Job [4.15]

Parker: It's, like, an assembly line of grift.

Parker: Ooh, sparkly.

Nate: Parker, no burgling.

Parker: But these jewels are just asking to be taken.

Eliot: Want me to teach you about the wines again?

Hardison: That's just hurtful. Just...just making assumptions and presumptions that I don't know what I'm-- Yes, I need you to teach me about the wines again, yes.

Hardison: They were married less than a month later.

Sophie: See, love at first sight.

Eliot: Yeah, she wanted to get hitched before the background check came through.

Eliot: Come on. Fisticuffs? Really?

Parker: Let's go steal a sweetheart.

Eliot: [shakes head]

Parker: A widow?

Eliot: Nah.

Parker: A spider? A spider.

[Parker has just received a Venus Flytrap]

Parker: It eats flies. A plant that actually does something.

Latimer: In my dealings, I've discovered an innocent who's been wronged. An engineer's invention was stolen by a corporation. If you and your team acquire the patent, you can prove the company owes him millions.

Nate: [scoffs] You make a few investments ahead of time, bet against our opponents.

Latimer: A finder's fee. You punish. I profit.

The Gold Job [4.16]

Hardison: This is my shot. This time I run the con.

Nate: Oh, no.

Hardison: Oh, yes

Nate: Oh, boy.

Hardison: If you let me run the con from the beginning, you would have found out that the Madsens melt down their daily intake of gold and ship it out to their brokers at the end of every day. That vault is almost always empty.

Eliot: So you knew it was empty. Hardison, I'm gonna tell you something. I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? You ever pull this again, I am gonna personally make sure you're off this team, 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in you body!

Hardison: Now, what I did was hack questions from the Kleinfeld-Ochs psych indicator into his applications.

Eliot: What?

Parker: It's a test designed to measure preferences in how people perceive the world. You know, I had a lot of psych exams as a kid. They're actually pretty easy. Well, sometimes I made my doctors cry, but...

Hardison: And I've got a surprise. Bam! Code names for us to use on the comms during the mission. Parker, you're "Gold." Sophie, you're "Silver," Nate, "Mercury," and Eliot, "Mr. Punchy."

Eliot: You kidding me with that one?

[Hardison shows him the animation punching]

Eliot: All right, that's pretty good.

Nate: It's all on you, Hardison.

Hardison: How am I gonna do this?

Nate: You're the puppet master. Pull your strings.

Nate: You never count on the perfect plan. The perfect plan, it has too many moving parts, and it's... you got to expect the perfect plan to fail. I means, that's what I do.

Hardison: Then what do you count on?

Nate: I count on the simplest and ugliest plan, not plan "A," no, but, like, plan "G," for example. I start with plan "G." Now, the quick, simple, ugly plan that I know is gonna work if everything goes bad.

The Radio Job [4.17]

Sophie: [to Nate] This is a new low, even for you. We both know you're cold, you're distant, you're emotionally unavailable, but you're always punctual.

Sophie: Off to the US Patent Office, then. Let's go steal a--

Parker: Let's go steal a time machine.

Eliot: No, you don't steal--

Parker: I'm gonna steal the time machine.

Nate: Right now, I have to get inside that building.

Hardison: What's your plan?

Nate: Well, I'm gonna pull the fire alarm, then go in as my arson-investigator alias.

Eliot: Frank Petrino? The arson investigator with the limp?

Nate: I didn't say it was a great plan.

Sophie: Him? [Jimmy] You came to rescue him?

Parker: You said never again. I remember.

Hardison: Although he does provide a window into your distant and withholding management style. I'm just sayin'.

Nate: All right, so Sophie says the FBI has 20 men on the north side, 15 on the south, 22 on the east, and 16 on the west.

Parker: She can see all that?

Nate: Well, you know, you steal paintings for a living, you learn how to count security.

Hardison: Hello and welcome to the Island of Misfit Inventions.

Parker: It might be easier if he's asleep.

Eliot: You want me to put him to sleep?

Hardison: HEY! I'm standing RIGHT HERE.

Hardison: Why y'all always pushing me off of stuff? Don't I get a vote! I vote NO!

Parker: Look, we're going to lower you really slowly but if you bump into anything, the glass, the walls, anything you'll set off the alarms.

Hardison: Yeah, I get it. It's like the game Operation and I'm the tweezers.

Eliot: Yippee-ki-yay, mother--

Jimmy: Found it!

The Last Dam Job [4.18]

Nate: Do you remember when I said to you, next time we would meet, that I wouldn't be so nice?

Dubenich: Yeah.

Nate: Okay. Welcome to the next time.

[Upon seeing the apartment in a mess.]

Hardison: He upped the crazy. I didn't think he could do that.

Cha0s: I want my usual fee plus expense, and Parker dresses up as Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica.

Hardison: Hey, it's not happening!

Cha0s: I'll also accept Sophie as Counselor Troi. We'll negotiate on the flight.

Hardison: So wrong on so many levels.

Hardison: [upon entering the old subway tunnels where the team has set up shop] YOU GOT ME A BATCAVE? [jumping around excitedly] A BATCAVE!

Nate: No, I did not.

Cha0s: Yeah, this is totally a Batcave. Okay, you guys suck a little less now.

Quinn: [about the portrait of "Old Nate"] What the hell is this?

Eliot: Don't ask.

[Hardison and Chaos finish explaining something technical]

Quinn: Can I hit him?

Eliot: Which one?

Quinn: Either one.

Eliot [turning to Sophie]: See, it's not just me.

Cha0s: Wow, you are, like, super old. Maybe later you can tell us about that time you punched Hitler in the face! Parker, still yummy.

Archie Leach: [shoves the end of his cane under Cha0s' chin] I own two canes. One has a taser capable of releasing ten thousand volts. The other extends a six-inch stiletto blade.

Cha0s: Which one is [gulps] is this?

Archie Leach: I can't seem to remember. I am super old.

[Later]

Cha0s: What is with this 'sir'? Are you picking her up for the prom? 'Cause Parker in a prom dre--AAAAAAH!

Archie: [who has just zapped Cha0s with his cane] Hmm, I guess it was the taser.

Parker: I love tasers.

Eliot: How long before video nails us?

Hardison: Facial recognition software takes about seven minutes to tag us, give or take.

[Alarm blares on]

Eliot: Seven min-- Damn it, Hardison!

Hardison: What part of "give or take" do you clearly not understand?

Eliot: [Over the comm] You better be ready, Quinn.

Cha0s: I bet you were born ready, right? Come on, dude. I know you want to say it. [With a graveled voice] "I was born ready."

Quinn: I don't know how Eliot does this.

Victor Dubenich: You didn't kill the man who let your son die.

Nate: My son would be ashamed of me if I turned into a killer.

Victor Dubenich: Yes...right.

Nate: [points the gun at him] My father, on the other hand, would buy me an ice cream.

Nate: I have plans...oh so many plans.

Sophie: I don't have a lot of rules in this world. Three, actually: Don't count the money until after the con, know when to walk away from the con.

Nate: The Gambler? You're basing your life philosophy on a Kenny Rogers song?

Latimer: You made it impossible for Hardison to hack us with a computer so he hacks us with a clam?

Cha0s: They are ready for your kung fu. They are completely unprepared for my drunken mastery.

Hardison [when Cha0s proves him wrong]: Wow. This must be how Eliot feels. I just realized this is how he feels all the time. I just want to hit something.

Nate: My wife? You recruited my wife as your backup?

Sophie: Ex! He never says ex-wife.

Maggie: I always do.

Dubenich: You underestimate me.

Sophie: Last time I underestimated you I was right.

Quinn: Next time give me the gun. I'll be your Huckleberry.

Eliot: I love that movie.

Quinn: Who the hell doesn't?

Latimer: You don't want to kill me. It was him. He blackmailed me into helping him.

Dubenich: No.

Latimer: You let me go, I'll make it up to you, I swear.

Nate: Oh, you're saying kill Dubenich and let you go?

Latimer: Yes. Yes.

Nate: Hang it on him?

Latimer: Yes.

Nate: Oh, yes, ex-con with fraud convictions, make him the fall guy. You get a bunch of lawyers and start over. I see how that could all work out for you. It's pretty perfect, because with Dubenich dead, there'd be nobody to contradict your story, right? So all your problems would be solved.

Dubenich: That's right! You kill me, he starts over! He's the CEO of a powerful company. He could do a lot of harm to a lot of people. Nate. He sent your father into the warehouse.

[Nate turns the gun on Latimer]

Nate: So kill Latimer and let you go? Yeah, well, that way, I mean, there would be no one to tie you to the illegal trades. And, I mean, you're smart. You'd find the cash and the diamonds that he hid. So with Latimer dead, you'd go free. But the problem that I'm having with all of this is if only one of you dies, the other will go free! I got five bullets! Who would like to go first?

Sophie: Well, that was a spectacularly awful plan.

Nate: Lucky you showed up then.

Nate: Hey. Let's go break the law.

Sophie: Mm. Just one more time?

Nate: Oh, a few more times.