October 20th, 2002 [1.1]

[The first opening sequence.]

Jeremy: This... is a car programme. There will be no cushions, there will be no rag-rolling, no-one will sing, and at the end of the series, no-one will have a recording contract. This is our new base, and this is our purpose-built test track. There are no traffic jams here, ooh... apart from this one, and no bus-lanes either. THIS... IS Top Gear!

November 24th, 2002 [1.6]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: Evidence that the French have gone mad; evidence that the Germans have gone mad; and as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back!

[Presenting the new BMW Z4]

Richard: You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.

Jeremy: The star we have tonight in our reasonably-priced car may look like a boy, but he is, in fact, called Tara. And that, I suppose, makes him a girl.

December 1st, 2002 [1.7]

[on the fastest faith]

Jeremy: It's the 16th Century all over again! The Catholics come in second!

December 8th, 2002 [1.8]

Jeremy: I got a ticket the other day, and I kid you not, for being parked badly. Since when did it become like ice skating? Where they're all standing there, well, no, I don't think that is well parked, 4 out of... and only 3 from the Nigerian judge!

Jeremy: Used to live in Fulham right next to the car pound in London. so you could drive up the west end, have a few drinks, leave the car, wobble home best way you could, wake up in the morning, they've towed it home for you. It was pricy, but kind of worth it.

December 22nd, 2002 [1.9]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The ultimate family cars; what is the best hot hatchback; and the Stig meets his match on our track.

Jeremy: No, you see I had one last week: Boxster S, new car, fantastic really, the most beautifully balanced... I felt like a prat.

[On the news of the MV Tricolor sinking with nearly 3000 new cars on board]

Jeremy: But there's plenty to talk about. Most important of all, of course, Jacques Cousteau opened a dealership in the English Channel.

[On the MG SV.]

Jeremy: If Oliver Reed and Russell Crowe made mad man-love on the set of Gladiator in an angry brawl, this would be the result.

December 29th, 2002 [1.10]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: In tonight's top gear: The Mick Jagger of supercars; our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith; and the Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.

[talking about the problems on the Range Rover]

Richard: They did suffer a few problems, I mean it was with stuff like the paintwork. Interior trim, bit rattly. Engines, they can be a problem.

Jeremy: Yeah, the 4-litre.

Richard: And the 4.6.

Jeremy: And the diesel.

Richard: All the engines.

[reviewing the nominations for the 'Weirdest Renault' category]

Richard: The Vel Satis. It's a businessman's car, but only if your business is Enron. The Mégane; a family car, but only if your family is The Osbournes. And the Avantime; it's a sporty coupe, but only if you don't want a car that's sporty. Or a coupe.

May 11th, 2003 [2.1]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Richard Hammond in a V8 tumbledryer; The classiest way to bankrupt yourself; And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car!

May 18th, 2003 [2.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels; a German sledgehammer in a velvet bag; And which is the fastest political party?

[during the news]

Jeremy: I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -

Richard: Eh?!

Jeremy: I was shot.

Richard: At last!

[audience laughs along with Jeremy]

Jeremy: Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -

Richard: What with?

Jeremy: [casually] An AK-47.

[Richard laughs]

[on Jeremy being told by his auto glass repair people that his Mercedes-Benz had to stay at their shop overnight so the glue on his replacement windscreen could set]

Richard: Did they by any chance try telling you that the glue will set better if it's left parked outside a nightclub all night, maybe?

[on the Lexus LS300's colour rear-view video camera]

James: You have to get a more expensive television licence to reverse that car.

[on the English translation of an early 1970s Datsun owner's manual]

James: And then in the index, under "H", it's got "How to open the bonnet".

Jeremy: I had a good one with Daihatsu. They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it!

Richard: Oh, well done! Well done!

Jeremy: And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make one every 23 seconds."

May 25th, 2003 [2.3]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: A new take on the world's worst BMW; A Starsky, in our reasonably priced Hutch; And the world's finest supercars, head to head.

[during the news]

Jeremy: I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo?

Richard: No, that's not. That is normally aspirated.

Jeremy: So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo...

Richard: Yes.

Jeremy: ... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously...

Richard: Yes.

Jeremy: Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo?

Richard: But it is a turbo.

Jeremy: Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?

Richard: Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a -

Jeremy: You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they.

Audience: Yes.

Jeremy: They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"

James: Now for some more trouser action.

[on the Alpina Z8]

Jeremy: It must be said, this looks just as good as the original, and it's just as left-hand-drive as the original. But: does it go any better? Well, after much careful deliberation, the simple answer is... no.

[...]

Jeremy: Getting it round a corner is like trying to get my wardrobe up a fire escape. It's very hard work, and it's hard to see where you're going.

[...]

Jeremy: This must be the first-ever tuned car that's slower than the original.

James: What would you say if I said, Perodua Kelisa?

Richard: Bless you?

James: [reviewing a Perodua Kelisa] This [holds up food close to camera] is a bacon sandwich. And this [taps dashboard] is a car.

June 1st, 2003 [2.4]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.

Richard: Roy James, who was the Great Train Robbers' getaway driver, was very particular about his Jag Mk 2s. He'd always steal a 3.4 rather than a 3.8 just 'cause he preferred the handling. Not a lot of people know that.

[discussing the Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale]

Jeremy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody - have you driven this car?

Richard: I have, yes.

Jeremy: And what happened when you drove this car?

Richard: Well, I crashed it, technically.

Jeremy: Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened.

Richard: Well, I was going round a corner, and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly. Span it several times.

James: Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. Because you drive along and you go "FFF - !" and then you do a 360.

[mocking the overly ambitious plans announced by the MG Rover Group in 2000]

Jeremy: They said they were going to make a space shuttle...

James: Yes, a space station.

Jeremy: Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.

James: The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.

Richard: And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.

James: I have to say I'm very disappointed in it, because when I joined Top Gear I thought, "Here we go. French film festival, Kristin... " No. I've been invited to the opening of a car park. And it says, "Yes please, I would like to come to the opening of the car park. I will be arriving, A, by car; B, on foot."

[during the news, Richard is talking about a reliability study]

Richard: I think this reliability index, gets a bit weak here. Third most reliable make of car...Fiat. [audience laughs] I mean then it's got you know Honda, Volkswagen, Mercedes, Toyota, BMW, Volvo, all the people you'd expect, but in third place, Fiat?

Jeremy: What have they got as being the most unreliable?

Richard: Well this is good fun, because according to them the second least reliable make, least reliable make is....Subaru! Where did it go wrong? They're the most reliable cars imaginable!

Jeremy: Let's try Radio 4.

Melvyn Bragg: [on the radio] Society has not always valued originality.

Jeremy: Ooh, it's Melvyn Bragg's philosophy show.

Melvyn: To what extent is originality about perception, rather than conception? And is originality a concept without meaning today?

Jeremy: I'm not quite with you there, Melvyn. I... I don't really understand the question.

Jeremy: I'm now playing what I like to call Fuel Light Bingo. The rules are very simple. You let the fuel light come on; then you let the needle go all the way through the red until it's bent like that [holds up crooked finger] round the bottom of the gauge. Then, when you see a sign saying "services 1 mile and 27 miles", go for the furthest one away, and when you get there, go past that one too. If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives the car, and she fills it up for you. I think it's a great game! My wife doesn't like it very much, but I think it's brilliant. If you lose, you run out of petrol.

Jeremy: [After stopping at John o'Groats at the end of the XJR test] Oh dear, I seem to have run out of country.

Jeremy: For the last few years, the DB7's been an aging rocker, still trying to cut it in a Coldplay MP3 world of Porsche 911s and Foo-Fighter Ferraris. But now, thanks to a cocktail of Botox and Viagra, it's up there with the best of them.

June 8th, 2003 [2.5]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?

Richard: Now, this is really quite simple, OK? Understeer works like this: [moving a model of a Ford Focus in a straight line] you drive down the road, turn the [steering] wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. OVERsteer works like this: [moving a model of a BMW 3-series] you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel, but the back of the car comes round like this [showing how the car fishtails 180 degrees], and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you.

[on the Porsche 911 Turbo]

James: So you spun it, then.

Jeremy: I spun it slightly.

James: What do you mean "slightly"? How can you slightly spin? That's like saying "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."

Jeremy: This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice.

Richard: You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...

[discussing a man who built a race car in his kitchen, eventually having to tear down an exterior wall to get it out of the house]

Jeremy: I presume there's no wife involved in this.

Richard: No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.

Jeremy: Right, the news! And, um, we're feeling a bit remiss this week, because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening in the world of cars, and then out of the blue, Ford wrote to us and said, "We're introducing a new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming! Who'd like to see it?

Richard: Yeah!

Jeremy: OK. Here it is.

Richard: ... That's the old Mondeo.

Jeremy: No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts!

Richard: Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same.

James: It's got a new radio, hasn't it.

Jeremy: It has got a new radio.

James: Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.

[on the Vauxhall Vectra 48-hour test drive program]

Jeremy: So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back -

James: Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job?

[...]

Jeremy: I wonder how many they've got?

Richard: Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.

[on Honda's tips for avoiding road rage]

Richard: It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving." What, like a duel? "Sir, your driving has angered me! I demand satisfaction!" I can't see that happening.

[testing the Daihatsu Copen's man-compatibility with a member of the audience]

Richard: Oh my Lord.

James: What do you reckon?

Jeremy: He was fine... until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.

[Jeremy and Richard are agreeing that middle-aged men can't drive convertibles]

James: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television. These two - these two are not men, OK? This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, OK? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible, but... it has to be the right one.

[on the Triumph TR6]

James: What a squarehead! Look at it! Blunt at both ends, thickset - I reckon if this car went to the lavatory, it'd leave the seat up.

[...]

James: Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.

[On a comparison between a rally team changing most of the underbody of a rally car vs. girls getting ready for a big night out]

Jeremy: So the rally team got the car changed in...

Richard: Twenty-seven minutes.

Jeremy: Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...

Richard: Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.

Jeremy: I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.

Richard: I don't think it works!

Jeremy: Men should go out with men.

Richard: You're making me nervous. Stop it!

[On the Renault Clio V6]

Jeremy: Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.

[...]

Jeremy: Oh, and it's the least maneuverable car on the road. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships have the turning circles of Clio V6s.

[...]

Jeremy: I think the problem is that it's... French.

[later, with overdone French accent.]

Jeremy: I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and make love and make cheese. That's what I like doing most of all 'cause I'm French!

June 15th, 2003 [2.6]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; a foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; and we try to set a new land speed record.

[on the Mitsubishi Evo VIII and Version 8 Impreza WRX STi

Jeremy: And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... [hesitates] a Swiss... bus driver's Austrian pacemaker! What more could you possibly want?

[...]

Jeremy: Look at the scoop on this bonnet. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?", and the Subaru "You. Outside. NOW."

[...]

Jeremy: Trying to decide which is best is hard. They're both spoonbendingly, hallucinogenically, lawbreakingly mad and absurd.

[on the Lexus RX300 ad slogan "It Changes Everything"]

Jeremy: I don't want to go home tonight and find my front door's moved, and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno! I don't want it to change everything.

Richard: And this'd be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway.

Jeremy: Well, exactly! And do you know, the thing is, that - you know those advertising standard authorities? They always say you've got to be, what are they, truthful... ?

James: Hang on, it's: [ticking them off on his fingers] Decent, honest, legal, truthful.

Jeremy: So that advert must be true.

James: That would be great! You could buy the Lexus, and then you'd wake up the next day and it would've changed into a Jaguar! With a bit of luck.

[on Jaguar being the last car maker to put diesel engines in the cars]

Jeremy: That is not going to work, and do you know the worst thing about this is? That Jaguar was working, we know, on an F-Type, a two-seater modern day E-Type and they cancelled that project, because they'd spent all their money on a diesel engine!

Richard Whiteley: They echo, these prisons - have you been in one?

Jeremy: Yeah, a French one. Well, we won't go there...

Whiteley: So we were looking around, the great and the good of Leeds, and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down - can I do this? Can I yell down?

Jeremy: Yeah! Yell!

Whiteley: They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! WHERE'S CAROL?" And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done?" How many people has he killed, raped, murdered, drugs has he laundered, money, all that kind of stuff. I said, "What'd he do?" He said, "'E were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"

Jeremy: Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This Countdown thing, okay? This rearranging letters, yes? [Points to a bloke in an FCUK shirt] What do you reckon? Got any ideas on that one?

Whiteley: I'm short-sighted. I can't see that, thank goodness!

[consigning a photo of Hammond's actual Porsche 911 to the Uncool section of the Cool Wall]

Jeremy: And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate. The thing is -

Richard: [laughing] That is so true.

Jeremy: He's never overtaken anyone. "Is it safe? Is it safe?"

Richard: That's what passengers are for.

[on the Vauxhall VX220]

Jeremy: You'll notice all these things and you'll think, "That is a really pretty, pretty car. Well done, Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus."

[trying to break the land speed record for towing a caravan]

James: Right. I've been looking in the Guinness Book of Records. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. So instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe. Gravity.

June 22nd, 2003 [2.7]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar.

[On the Koenigsegg]

Jeremy: For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.

[On the Koenigsegg]

Jeremy: You could drive this thing to the gym, turn around, go straight home again; you'd have had more exercise than if you'd done a workout!

Richard: [On the Renault Mégane's interior] Mothers will be fishing kids out of obscure cubbyholes for years!

[On the price of a Hummer H2]

Jeremy: And it seems like quite a lot, when you peel away this amazing body and find out what's underneath. Yep, underneath the abs and the pecs is a GMC Tahoe, which is ugly, big, slow, and is completely flummoxed by snow, mud, gravel, soil, grass clippings, drizzle, or even a light breeze. It's rubbish.

[On the Aston Martin V8 Vantage]

Jeremy: Going on sale in 2005, so have you just ordered a Porsche 911 recently? [sniggers, audience laughs].

[On the Hummer H2]

Jeremy: It's a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz, and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one... it's fantastic!

[Regarding Clarkson's review of the Hummer H2]

James: You're not seriously suggesting that this... revolting, plastic fronted piece of pig-iron is a serious alternative to something like an X5?

[...]

Jeremy: Size is important in these things. [beams]

Richard: That's a little harsh.

Richard: This is the Talon riot control vehicle. Big, innit?

Richard: Now that is what I call a control panel. Grenade launcher. Impulse generator! Lovely.

Richard: Well, if things get really nasty, I can always get stupid and just headbutt stuff.

[crashes the Talon through a portacabin]

July 6th, 2003 [2.8]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Richard and James enjoy life under canvas; an Alfa Romeo waving its arms around; and Darth Vader, in a Honda Civic TIE Fighter R.

[on the Nissan 350Z]

Jeremy: [voiceover] Well, to be honest, I think it looks a bit of a mess. But then it would, because it's a Japanese car designed in America. And the head of the whole project was a chap called Ajay Panchal, who's an Indian. From Leicester. And the engine? Well, that's French. Incongruously, it's the three-and-a-half-litre V6 from the Renault Vel Satis.

Jeremy: [at the wheel] We've had fusion food before, but this is the first time that I've ever encountered a fusion car. Think of it as being a raw-hamburger curry served in a disinterested way on a bed of garlicky jus.

Jeremy: I could go very, very berserk at this point. But - two things are stopping me. One, the noise. It's driving me mad. And secondly, it was on this very road that the drummer with a band called Def Leppard crashed his muscle car, a Corvette, and as a result of that he now has to drive with a knob on his steering wheel.

[causing various bits of the 350Z's internal trim to rattle]

Jeremy: I've seen better build quality on an allotment shed.

Jeremy: The thing is that Nissan have now said, "Aha, but the car you drove was sort of for a, I don't know, a small market in the south of France or somewhere." The British ones, which are going on sale in...

Richard: 'Bout, September, autumn sometime.

Jeremy: Yeah, September, October - are going to have better suspension, bigger fuel tank, different aerodynamics, better interior trim, traction control as standard - going to be completely different.

Richard: Which rather begs the question, why did they say "There's our new car! See what you think. It won't be anything like that, obviously, but there it is anyway."

James: It's a terrible shame Jeremy didn't like the 350Z - I wondered if he might be interested in the 350Z watch. It's a very large watch with a very small face. What do you think of that?

Jeremy: It'll probably go TICK TOCK! TIIIICK TOCK and be very heavy.

James: This is a true story and I am ashamed of it. I was driving along, Ford Galaxy, magnolia leather, curry on the passenger seat. A drunk bloke walked into the road. Instinctively, I braked. I saw the curry tip, I thought, "That's my dinner," I not only took my foot off the brake, I put it back on the throttle! Anyway, if anyone here is interested, I've developed a special new car sticker that says BHUNA ON BOARD.

[on the Volkswagen New Beetle cabrio]

James: All they've got to do is make it in the shape of a proper car and it'll be terrific.

[driving the New Beetle with the top down in the rain]

Richard: I'm not sure this was such a smart idea.

James: Why, do you think they just think we're a pair of screaming -

Richard: Well, exactly.

James: Yes.

James: What we want in Britain is a convertible car for sunny days, and a hardtop for the other 364.

James: [Commenting on the Audi A4 convertible] No, it's just not right. A diesel cabrio is like a supermodel smoking a pipe.

[testing the flappy paddle gearshift in the Citroën C3 Pluriel]

Richard: It's hopeless. I'm changing gear, right, I'm going to put it in second to go round this corner, that's OK, now I'm going to wait for third... and now it's changed. And I'm going to select fourth... no... oh! Now I've got it. [addressing the car] Wha - HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE ON?!

[on the Daihatsu Copen]

James: You're not going to get this, I know, but that car, it's small, it's silly, all it does is make the rest of the world massive. You know like the Incredible Shrinking Man in that film, where the telephone keeps getting bigger in his hand?

Jeremy: No.

James: All right.

Jeremy: But I'm sure it happened, I'm not saying it didn't happen, I just don't remember it.

James: OK, well, it's a bit like that. You sort of drive around amongst these massive road signs and huge hatchbacks, it's absolutely brilliant.

Richard: Can't say I noticed it myself, I thought it was all right, but, um...

[...]

Jeremy: It's not so much a car as a shoe.

Jeremy: I have three donkeys at home.

Jodie Kidd: Do you?

Jeremy: Geoffrey, Eddie, and Kristin Scott Donkey. I do! I adore my donkeys. They are my life, they're everything. I just think they're fantastic.

Jodie: Very noisy.

Jeremy: Depends what you do to them.

July 13th, 2003 [2.9]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point nought nought nought one; the Dutch have made a car!; and be still my beating heart! A new Vauxhall saloon.

[on the Volvo S60 R, the test model of which has orange leather seats]

Jeremy: It's only when you really concentrate that you start to pick up the clues. The big alloy wheels. The blue engine cover. The seats, which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.

[...]

Jeremy: It's very relaxing. I can just sit here listening to the excellent stereo and speculate on whether or not these seats aren't really David Dickinson at all. They might be an offcut of Dale Winton. A choice cut of Dale.

[during the news]

James: All right, look, here's a proper piece of British ingenuity: a bloke called Geoff, he's made a steam-powered bicycle after 30 years' work. He started work on it in 1972. Roughly 250 years after the steam engine was invented.

Richard: It's not really on the cutting edge, is it.

James: Well, what this bloke has done, he has taken one old technology, one outdated technology, he's combined them to create something genuinely useless. It's brilliant!

[on the Rover Streetwise]

Jeremy: They're saying it's an "urban on-roader". If we analyze that, an "urban on-roader" is a car designed to go on the road in town. So... it's a car. Isn't it.

Richard: Essentially, yes.

[...]

Jeremy: [consulting press release] They are saying that: it has got a split folding rear seat...

James: Like a car.

Jeremy: Yeah. It's available with a selection of petrol and diesel power units...

Richard: Well, that is clever.

James: Like a car.

Richard: Yeah, yeah.

Jeremy: ... various transmissions, three trim levels...

James: Car-like.

Jeremy: Yup, very car-like... "It's fun to drive, handy in traffic, easy to park and and able to shrug off hard use by active individuals and young families."

Richard: They've put some thought into this, haven't they?

Jeremy: "Has elements of the SUV appeal," no it doesn't, it's not four-wheel-drive, "with good ground clearance and ruggedness but without the cost and complexity of 4x4 transmission."

James: It's a car.

Jeremy: It's a car. "At the same time it offers good all-round performance and capability out of town, from motorways to farm tracks!"

Richard: [impressed] So you can drive out of town as well!

Jeremy: It's not just an urban on-roader, it's a motorway on-roader as well! And it can do farm tracks, but nothing too difficult, OK?

Jeremy: [whilst driving a Segway] They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.

Jeremy: You're the most famous guest we've ever had on.

Patrick Stewart: This must be a terrible show, then.

[Patrick Stewart has objected to Jeremy's pro-cell-phones-while-driving stance]

Jeremy: This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!

Patrick: But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.

[on Stewart's Jaguar XJS]

Patrick: It's actually named in my will, I told my son that he was going to get it - he's getting sod-all else, mind you, and the car isn't actually worth that much.

[on Sir Michael Gambon]

Patrick: He's a colleague and an excellent actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.

Jeremy: How did you find the car?

Patrick: Ordinary.

Richard: [Regarding Jeremy Clarkson, with exaggerated Dutch accent] He is my partner, and also my lover! (a catchphrase of The Dutch Coppers, characters from Harry Enfield's Television Programme)

Richard: Aw, mate, I'm never going to be able to get that out of my mind! What I've just been: jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Ooh, yeah!

Jeremy: First thing I do when I move into a new flat or a new house, forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker - you get your television, your stereo, and your PlayStation up and running. It's why I understand this car. It's perfectly reasonable to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat. It's the obvious thing to do. It's fantastic!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers, but this has lots of gadgets. So it's the world's first dadsy car.

July 20th, 2003 [2.10]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: A £65,000 car for the people!; a Range Rover at 45 degrees; and the new Bentley coupé comes to our studio.

Richard: Now normally driving a TVR with any sense of purpose is like chatting to a bloke in the pub and, you know, he says "Well, yeah, we went on 'oliday, took the missus, in the caravan," and then boomf!, punches you in the face, no warning. This, though... it's got understeer! It's telling me, it's saying, "I gotta let you know, you're gettin' on my nerves a little bit." It hasn't lost the lairiness, but it's just been to anger management.

James: Right, the news, and we begin today with a, well, probably the best piece of news I've ever heard since I was born. An event, in fact, which eclipses the very miracle of my birth.

Richard: Hang on, the best piece of news you've ever heard ever?

Jeremy: What is it?

James: [beaming] They're going to stop making the Beetle.

Richard: And that's it.

James: That is fantastic. No, the old one. They're still making it until the 30th of July and then it stops forever.

Richard: And why is that so good?

Jeremy: Why do you hate it so much?

James: Do you really want me to do it?

Jeremy: Well, no, just... I can't imagine...

James: OK. It's a rubbish car.

Richard: That's incisive.

James: That's the first thing, it's a rubbish car. Secondly, it was a scandal. OK? That car was stolen from a Czech bloke called Ledwinka, I think, by Hitler and his henchmen, they put it into production, they stole money off the German people to build it and to build a factory, they never got a car, instead they used the factory and slave Russian labor from the Eastern front -

Jeremy: You can't blame a car for Hitler!

[Jeremy is reporting on the Goodwood Festival of Speed, where, as he previously noted, he was waved to by Elle Macpherson]

Jeremy: I went up the hill in the - there's a hill that you basically drive the, all the cars go up - and I went up in the McLaren Mercedes.

Both : [in unison] The SLR.

Jeremy: The new SLR.

Richard: Yeah. Stunning thing. And?

Jeremy: Well, I was still a bit drunk, so I have - there it is, look - um, I think... I have... I dunno.

James: So hang on, it - so you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car.

Jeremy: Yeah.

James: We've been talking about it for what now, two years, probably?

Richard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

James: And you went up the hill... drunk... waving at MacPherson Strut or whatever her name is out of the window.

Jeremy: I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat.

James: Oh, well, that's all right, then! Who was driving it?

Richard: Can you tell us anything about it?

Jeremy: It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in, that was for sure. It sounded like a Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire.

Richard: To your drunken brain at the time.

Jeremy: [imitates engine noise], only louder than that.

Richard: You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened?" "Dunno! Drunk, missed it. Found it like this."

[on the Volkswagen Phaeton]

Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the first-ever recorded example of a German joke: a Volkswagen that costs £65,000.

[mimes wiping tears of mirth from his eyes while a sitcom laugh track plays, then becomes serious]

Jeremy: But actually... it isn't funny.

Jeremy: Apparently, Piëch insisted that you should be able to drive the Phaeton all day at 186 miles an hour, when it's 120 degrees outside, and the air conditioning must be able to maintain a temperature in the car of 71.6 degrees. My! I bet he was fun to go out with of an evening.

Jeremy: And round at the front, things get even more... German.

[on the Cadillac Sixteen]

James: I like luxury. It's the new performance.

[...]

Jeremy: Now this is what I call shock and awe.

[on the Overfinch-modified Range Rover]

Jeremy: It's a bit like sliding down a black run in a wardrobe. It's a giggle, but you've got no real say in your direction of travel.

Jeremy: If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you've seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.

October 26th, 2003 [3.1]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: In tonight's programme: As you've just seen - The Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5-Series BMW and I'll be giving myself a brain tumour!

[on the BMW 5-series]

James: Now, the old 5-series famously had more computing power than the Apollo spacecraft that went to the Moon, but this one seems to be boldly going where no executive car has gone before.

[after James's 5-series film]

Jeremy: Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?

James: Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.

Jeremy: That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!

James: It is a superb-looking car.

Jeremy: It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.

James: Rubbish.

[...]

James: All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?

Jeremy: No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.

James: Right. So you're not having one of those.

Jeremy: No.

James: You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.

Jeremy: Uh, no.

James: You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.

Jeremy: I might!

James: No you wouldn't.

Jeremy: No, you're right, I wouldn't.

James: And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.

Jeremy: No.

James: You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!

Jeremy: I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.

[on the diesel VW Lupo]

Jeremy: No one knows what torque is, but this has 144 of them.

[in a jam on the M25 during the diesel Lupo test]

Jeremy: I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable. Could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.

[Jeremy has bought a kitschy rooster figurine with the money he saved driving the diesel Lupo around the M25]

James: Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock?

Jeremy:Yes, almost certainly!

James: But on a small hatchback, OK, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you. One is, you're tighter than two coats of paint. The second is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it. And the third one is, you're probably French.

Jeremy: I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.

Jeremy: We get a hundred million letters every week from women complaining about their men's love of cars.

Richard: This is true. We do.

Jeremy: We don't write to Trinny and Susannah on What Not to Wear and complain about women coming out of changing rooms going, "This dress is perfect and I like the color, I'll try something else on."

Richard: No we don't.

[reading viewer mail]

Richard: "Hi, Jeremy!" With an exclamation mark. Very irritating. This is from Claire, and she signed it with a little X, which is like a little kiss. "My boyfriend has just bought a new Audi A3." Fair enough. "Now he's driving me mad with this new game he has where he tries to plip the remote locking from as far away as possible. Is he normal?" Yes! Clearly!

[discovering that his SL55's remote unlocker works from further away if he holds it against his temple]

Jeremy: What have I done to my head?!

[watching a video of automotive tomfoolery from Saudi Arabia]

Jeremy: This is what happens when you don't let people drink.

[on the Porsche 996 GT3]

Richard: It makes no apologies for what it is, so if you want a comfy ride, get another car. If you want to be cool on a hot day, get another car. If you want height adjustment on the seats... which I don't... get another car.

[on the 911 series engine placement, behind the rear axle]

Richard: Now, technically, that's just wrong. It's like building a pyramid with the pointy bit at the bottom. It was a daft idea when they first did it 40 years ago, and on paper it still is today.

[...]

Richard: In the '70s and '80s, the 911 was the Grim Reaper's company car. Huge crowds would gather at roundabouts to watch fat stockbrokers climb trees in their Porsches.

[...]

Richard: Look, ma, I'm going sideways!

[...]

Richard: The engine's at the wrong end, yeah... so what? Sure, it's a flaw, but it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole. J.Lo's enormous buttocks. It's become its defining feature. It's the whole point of the car. The GT3 is final and absolute proof that evolution works.

[on the Black Stig crashing into the sea]

Jeremy: Uhh... that was not supposed to happen.

November 2nd, 2003 [3.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: we drive like this... (showing a corner being tackled sideways) on the road!!!... Stephen Fry in our Reasonably-Priced Car... and how many caravans can you jump with a Volvo?

Jeremy: I have some bad news. The Stig is dead.

[on the Isle of Man]

Jeremy: It's like Beverly Hills with kippers.

[on the BMW M3 CSL

Jeremy: Think of it as a BMW with bulimia.

[...]

Jeremy: You even look at that engine, it'll kill you.

[...]

Jeremy: You have to sign a disclaimer before you buy a CSL saying that you understand that the tyres won't work in the rain or if it's a bit chilly. What a car!

[on caravanners]

Richard: Every summer they arrive, ruining our roads just so they can pull up side by side with their new best friends and pee in a bucket.

James: In 1979 in Britain, the BMW M1 cost about £35,000, which sounds very reasonable. Until you discover that the Ferrari 308 GTS was less than 20 grand. And here's another thing, look. [raps on door panel] GRP, or plastic to you - on a BMW. How much worse could it get? Well, while the car was being designed, the rules for sports racing cars were changed, so by the time it came out, it wasn't competitive anyway. What a farce.

Richard: There's no end of sensible, practical cars that'll happily rip your face off, and we owe it all to the M5.

Jeremy: Isn't the Isle of Man just amazing?

Richard: It's fabulous! It's like someone's gone out and designed Top Gear Fantasy Island specially for us!

James: Oh, if the Isle of Man was this great, I'd be absolutely blown away by the Isle of Woman.

Richard: Yes, the kippers were good —

Jeremy: Yes, but there's no speed limits here, James! "Ooh I know, but the kippers!"

James: I'd rather the pussy cat than the kipper.

Richard: They were good, though!

Jeremy: (To Stephen Fry) Have you, um, have you been to the Isle of Man?

Stephen: Yes, you go to the airport, you say "I love Man!" and they say, "Not here you don't!"

Jeremy: You could be birched for loving man there.

Stephen: Yes, which is something people pay a lot of money for in London, so it's like a free service.

Jeremy: Some of the laws they have are fabulous! Handguns, for instance, are legal there! And you can be charged with "furious driving"! I'd love to have that on my licence!

Stephen: Well, I'm a sort of lefty in a way, but I cannot tell you the overmastering hatred I feel, the waves of disgust when there is that, that frowny-faced woman on the bicycle who looks at you as if you are the symbol of all capitalism and meat-eating and penis-owning - you know, you are the enemy of the people, you are the enemy of the planet, you are globalization - you are Capitalism with a huge cigar - just because you might've slightly blown her off course on her blasted bicycle!

Jeremy: You will never hear anyone say, "Look at that maniac in that Saab!"

Stephen: I came so close to losing my licence almost exactly a year ago. I was pootling along the M11 at a hundred and *hrm* miles per hour, and fortunately they took an average, which was 99.8.

Jeremy: An average from when you got into the car.

Stephen: Yes, quite. From the centre of London.

[on the benefits of driving a decommissioned black cab in London]

Stephen: Other cabs let you in, you know - "cabaraderie", I call it.

Jeremy: But it's strange, because most of the people I know who speak Latin find cars really rather trivial and infantile.

Stephen: Yes... yes... you've written well and turgidly about Norfolk! Not turgidly, exactly.

Jeremy: Well, it was just, that time, the first - well, not the first time I went there, but I can remember, not that long ago, driving along a main road, filled up with petrol and I gave the bloke in the cashpoint my credit card... he just put it in the till! "No, no... no, no... you're supposed to swipe it..."

Stephen: This is the home of Lotus! It's an advanced, sophisticated county!

Jeremy: Now, you see, that was a bad example.

Stephen: Well, there were the - all right, but it's a... it's a mysterious county. There are - you go through a beautiful Old World village with a sort of mullion-windowed rectory with ivy over it and the squire's house and a beautiful old church, and then a sign saying, "HOT RODDING".

[watching himself on tape driving the reasonably-priced car]

Stephen: Look at him, doesn't he look a ****.

James: Obviously, driving a convertible yellow Porsche raises certain sociological issues. I mean, some people are going to look at me, I know, and think I'm a merchant banker.

[on the Honda S2000]

Jeremy: So it's powerful, extraordinary value for money, and more reliable than a wood-burning stove.

James: The reason the Porsche, I think, is the best car is, you know when you drive some cars, you get a, a sense that the car is smiling, when you're driving?

Richard: What on Earth are you talking about?

[on the BMW Z4]

Jeremy: This ride is totally unacceptable.

James: You're such a pair of wittering nancy boys.

November 9th, 2003 [3.3]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a car that you can hand on to your grandchildren; I engage reheat in a hot Saab; And Richard almost drowns!

[on the Bentley Continental GT]

Jeremy: There's no way the aristocracy is going to buy this car. I mean, these days they have to burn their children just to stay warm, and all their furniture's held together by the moths that ate it.

[...]

Jeremy: It's like doing 5000 miles an hour in Douglas Bader's sponge bag.

[criticising the armrests]

Jeremy: They are completely pointless. Speaking of which: this button here allows you to adjust the hardness of the suspension, like so. Why do you need that? Why would you want to make your Bentley more uncomfortable? It really is as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.

[...]

Jeremy: The old four-door Arnage is a symphony of pomp and circumstance, hope and glory - absolute power corrupting absolutely. Oh, it isn't very good, but there's such a sense of occasion when you drive it. This is the other way round: brilliant, sensationally fast, handles beautifully, and it'll almost certainly be reliable. But it leaves you feeling... just a little bit cold.

[after pausing the playback of his escape-from-a-sinking-car film]

Richard: And we'll find out later if I die.

[on the Jaguar R-D6 concept car]

James: But the bit I really like is the inside. Have a look at this. Now have a look at that black leather and all those shiny bits, and those red lights down in the footwell. Now clearly a Jaguar designer got completely lashed at a vodka bar and thought, [in drunken voice] "Uhh, I'll make it look like thish then." So obviously there'll be a bouncer on the door, telling you you can't come in 'cause you've got trainers on.

Richard: It's a gorgeous-looking thing, I think it's fab. But here's the thing I don't get about Jaguar concept cars. Two years ago, about then, they showed us XK180, and there it is, that was to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. But then last year, they did the R Coupé, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. And now they're back again with this, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like.

James: Now look, Jaguar. You have made your point. Just make the car.

[interviewing Rob Brydon]

Jeremy: You have had the most wretched car history of anyone I've ever, ever met. We start off, where were we, radio DJ...

Rob: [DJ voice] BBC Radio Wales. Good morning!

Jeremy: You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo.

Rob: Brand new.

Jeremy: Brand new! Things going well. Your next car... is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton. What in God's name possessed you to do that?

Rob: You know, my dad came across it, you know, it was reasonably priced... it was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton -

Jeremy: Brown!

Rob: Wait, let me finish. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. It was a nice car, it got me from A to B, that was not the worst of my cars.

Jeremy: What, you're trying to say the green Sierra you had was -

Rob: That was the worst, yes.

Jeremy: What possessed you to do that?

Rob: Um, my dad came across it, you know, it was a good price...

Jeremy: Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort?

Rob: Now! The 1992 Ford Escort, I thought, and I don't know anything about cars -

Jeremy: That's obvious.

Rob: - was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it, actually.

Jeremy: Have you ever actually watched Top Gear? 'Cause you might...

Rob: I've never seen a whole one, no. [Jeremy looks dismayed, audience applauds] It clashes with Heartbeat, OK, which goes against you.

Jeremy: I know! But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff. You should try to watch one all the way through. Because after the Escort... you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen...

Rob: Oh, I know what you're going to say now, yeah. OK.

Jeremy: ... a Mitsubishi Carisma. Why on Earth did you buy one of those?

Rob: Well, my dad came across it... [audience laughs]

Jeremy: Anyone who sits in the back of a four-seater convertible looks like Hitler.

James: The British toff: though rare and endangered, they are easy to identify. They are most readily spotted in the countryside, because they own it. Distinguishing features include their clothing, which used to belong to their parents, and their characteristic mating call of "Harrumph."

[on the Subaru Legacy Outback]

James: I almost forgot to tell you what it's like to drive. Well, I quite like it, actually. It's relaxing and it's... unstressful.

Richard: This whole survey throws up some fascinating stuff. Like the Porsche 911. A favorite car of mine, known for its... somewhat scary handling sometimes. Ninety-six percent of 911 owners in this survey claim to be absolutely satisfied with their car's handling, which is very good. It leaves four percent, and they probably were entirely satisfied with the handling of their 911 right up until they hit the tree. Then they changed their mind.

Jeremy: Yeah, but think of it this way. The people who got their bone marrow and their eyes are very satisfied with the handling of the 911.

Jeremy: What do you drive, sir?

Audience member: A 355.

Jeremy: A Ferrari. There's an interesting statistic on Ferrari, ah... what is it, James?

James: [consulting clipboard] Um, 90% of people who said they had a Ferrari were lying.

[after Richard's sinking-car film, in which he needed the rescue diver's help to escape the car]

Jeremy: So did you die in the making of that film?

Richard: Well, yeah. I mean, if it was real, yes, I did.

Jeremy: And the thing is, it was very lucky you were in the GL model, 'cause that was the one that did come with the diver in the back seat with the aqualung.

Richard: Yeah. If it'd been an L, pfft. That would've been it, curtains.

[on people carriers]

Jeremy: Obviously all of them are uncool. If you buy a people - anyone got one? You have. Basically what you're saying about yourself, sir, is: you've had your children and now you're just waiting to die.

Jeremy: All dentists have Saabs, OK? All. And graphic designers all have them, and all architects have them, and all Stephen Frys have them.

[on the Saab "night panel" function]

Jeremy: That's handy if you want to line up for a bombing run on a Soviet nuclear submarine base, but of limited use on the A38 just outside Burton-on-Trent.

Jeremy: Now what I'd like to do at this point to demonstrate the difference between car and plane even more is bolt the Stig into the Saab here and have him race a fighter jet round our track. [laughing] Only trouble is, can you imagine ringing up the Royal Navy and saying, "Hello, I'm from that pokey motoring programme on BBC, would it be possible to borrow one of your Sea Harriers?" You can imagine what the response would be.

[cut to a shot of a Sea Harrier taxiing into position next to the Stig-driven Saab at the start/finish line of the test track]

Jeremy: [voiceover] Yes, they were there in a jiffy.

Jeremy: [On the Saab 9-5 Hot Aero] The handling is just hysterical. It's like driving a - fast! - bouncy castle!

November 16th, 2003 [3.4]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a green Lamborghini; James drives a blue Lamborghini; and I drive a yellow Lamborghini.

Richard: [voiceover] And as befits the decade that celebrated being young and groovy, youth created the Miura. The man who designed its gorgeous body was just 22.

Richard: Think about that. What were you doing at 22? At that age the cars I was drawing still had guns on them.

Richard: So, beautiful and ingenious it may have been, but in terms of driving, you were still at the wheel of a bit of a dog's breakfast. The fuel tank was over the front wheels, so as it ran low on fuel, it went light at the front end, which meant you couldn't steer. Nice touch, that. Keeps you on your toes. The interior is, well, tiny, and every now and again the carburettors would spit petrol onto the hot engine and the whole thing would go up in flames. Gooood.

Richard: Lamborghini knew their masterpiece wasn't perfect, and they steadily improved it throughout its life, culminating in this: the SV of 1971. It had a better gearbox, better differential, better tyres, better rear suspension, and these better gold wheels. D'you know what it was? It was better.

[examining Jay Kay's Miura SV]

Richard: Um, Jay, I did notice there's, uh, there's no window in.

Jay: Well, I'll tell you what I did with the window. [opens driver's door]

Richard: Re-enact it for us.

Jay: I will re-enact it.

Richard: Go on, then.

[Jay shuts the door normally and mimes the window shattering]

Richard: Oh, you closed the door! You mad, impetuous rock star fool. You were asking for trouble, Jay!

Jay: You know, I mean, that's rock 'n roll, hey?

Jeremy: This is a man with a two-tone beard who's come here to tell us about style.

James: This wasn't just a car, it was a pin-up. And you might like to know that countach is a bit of Italian slang. It translates roughly as phwoar!

James: [voiceover] So it looks fantastic and it sounds fantastic, and that's what matters when you're 15 and dreaming. But I'm not 15 any more, and after an hour at the wheel in 2003, my dream car turns out to be a bit of a nightmare.

James: It never occurred to me, for example, that I'd need a hammer to change gear. Or that depressing the clutch pedal would be a lot easier if I got a friend to help me. It's absolutely baking hot in here - look, I've got the window fully open [puts fingers through tiny slot of driver's window] - and there's also a really alarming smell of petrol.

James: God in Heaven, this is hard work.

James: I'm absolutely gutted. But you know what, it's not the car's fault, it's mine. I've broken a golden rule: You never, ever meet your childhood heroes.

[on the Lamborghini LM002]

Jeremy: When I started in this business, writing about cars, I was earning... about 40 quid a week. OK? I borrowed one of these, took it into a petrol station, to fill it up... £147!

[indicating a board covered with photos of rock stars]

Jeremy: Problem is, what do all of these people have in common?

Audience member: They're all dead.

Jeremy: This, then, is the £117,000 Gallardo. Lamborghini's idea of being sensible.

[Talking about Lamborghinis]

Jeremy: Let me put it this way: a picnic, okay? If you went, you'd want the Germans to make the hamper so the handles don't fall off, but you'd want the Italians to make the food, yes? That's what you get with that [points to Murciélago]; it's a German-Italian picnic where the Italians have done what they're good at and the Germans have done what they're good at. With this [points to Gallardo], the Germans have done ze food.

November 23rd, 2003 [3.5]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: I attempt to destroy the indestructible; How fast can you go in a soft top before you lose your wig?; And we momentarily silence Simon Cowell.

[on the Mazda RX-8]

Jeremy: It's almost like they had a styling suggestion box at the factory, they got millions of ideas and then said "I know! Let's have all of them!" So it's got triangles and curves and gills and the back window from a Ford Anglia and look at these lights. They're busier than a bishop's hat!

[[on the RX-8's Wankel rotary engine]

Jeremy: It's not the torquiest engine in the world, or the most economical, but God it's smooth. You even get a little buzzer - ready? - to tell you to change gear at 9000 RPM 'cause it doesn't feel like it's running on anything as coarse and vulgar as petrol. Feels like it's running on double cream!

Jeremy: The guy who was running Mazda when they were designing the RX-8 used to race cars. [laughs] And it kind of shows.

Richard: This being a car programme, let's talk about houses.

[speculating on the future-classic value of the Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.5-16 Cosworth]

Richard: Tempted? Well, if you are, you're best off going for one in black or silver with an automatic gearbox. Which is why I'm driving a pink one with a manual box. Obviously.

[Jeremy is butting in as Richard and James populate the Classic Wall]

Richard: Jeremy, can I ask - what's that?

Jeremy: This is an Alfa Romeo GTV6, a magnificent car!

Richard: It is. And I believe you had one!

Jeremy: I did indeed.

Richard: And how much did you pay for it, Jeremy?

Jeremy: Ah, £5000.

Richard: Mm, and then you sold it. And how much did you sell it for?

Jeremy: Ah, £3000.

Richard: OK, that didn't go too well. How much was it worth a year later?

Jeremy: £7,000.

Richard: So how much do you know about all of this? Absolutely nothing.

Simon: [On his fast lap] I wasn't even trying.

[arguing that the Mazda RX-8 should be considered cool]

Richard: But you get to say "Wankel". That's cool! - On telly!

James: Right, the Italians. What have they ever done for us?

James: St. Albans. The Romans came here in 43 and built some nice ruins.

[on the Fiat Panda]

James: Well, it is very small, just three and a half metres long, but more importantly, it's got really quite a lot of space in it. You could get a couple of full-size adults in the back here, or - more importantly - about half a dozen children. Now this is vital in your small Italian car, and all because of another of their great inventions: the Catholic Church.

James: Now, you'll be able to buy a basic 1.1-litre Panda for £6000. £6000! This, however, is the 1.2-litre Dynamic. This is a posh Panda. But it's still only six thousand, five hundred pounds. Six and a half grand. And it's a whole car!

James: I quite like this 1.2-litre engine, it's sort of feisty and eager. Makes a great deal of fuss without really achieving very much. Bit like the Italian government, really.

[on the Toyota Hilux]

Jeremy: So it's very popular in Australia and all the other various bits of the third world.

[On the Hilux]

Jeremy: We love cars like this on Top Gear. That's why we love the Citroën Berlingo and the Daihatsu Charade; they're simple, honest-to-God engineering.

[After driving the pick-up down the steps]

Jeremy: [Voiceover] It damaged my spine quite badly, doing this. And then it set about damaging Bristol.

[tapping on a mangled fender after running the Hilux into a tree]

Jeremy: That'll buff out.

[when the Hilux starts after having been washed out to sea in the Severn estuary]

Jeremy: [shouting over the engine roar] I do not believe this! It works!

[At the grassy part of the test track]

Jeremy: The problem is, what can we do here that we haven't already tried? [The pick-up then drops behind Jeremy] Difficult one.

[Before the caravan drop on the Hilux]

Jeremy: The Americans have used daisy cutters on these things, to no avail. But I have something much more powerful... [cuts to a parked caravan; voiceover] The Mistral GT... [shows the same caravan dropped on the Hilux]

[After the caravan drop]

Jeremy: [crawling in through the window] Lordy lord, I'm too old for this.

[...]

Jeremy: I honestly can't believe this; the steering is fine, the gearbox is fine, the low-range box is fine, the brakes are fine... Even the speedo's telling me we're doing thirty.

[Announcing the result of the Hilux torture test]

Richard: All of which makes it more of a shame that in the end you killed it with fire.

James: That was churlish.

Jeremy: Well, that's the thing. You probably won't believe this, ladies and gentlemen. I want a huge round of applause, IT IS STILL WORKING!

[after the end credits]

Simon: Can we just stop the competition now?

Jeremy: No, we bloody can't; I'm going to phone Damon Hill next week!

December 7th, 2003 [3.6]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a pair of wheeled accessories; I discover if the Australians are better at cars than they are at rugby; and James tries to finish the job of killing our Toyota.

Jeremy: Of course, ever since the 2CV, Citroën has been the badge of choice for those of a Guardian disposition.

[on the Citroën C2

Jeremy: [voiceover] Look at the details. The gear lever that seems to have come from a sex shop. The translucent trim. The 12 million gigawatt stereo. And the bumf, which is full of words like "wicked" and "cool".

Jeremy: [standing in front of the car] Now this, it seems, is the language of something called cruising, which... isn't what I thought it was.

[at a tuner meeting]

Jeremy: This cruising thing. What's it about?

Young man: What's it about?

Jeremy: Yeah.

Young man: It's about flexing, man.

Jeremy: It's about what?

Young man: Flexing, like. Having a good time, you know.

Jeremy: Flexing?

Young man: Yeah, yeah.

[crowd of young people laughs at Jeremy's oldster incomprehension]

Jeremy: What the f--k are you on about? [appeals to the crowd] What is flexing?

Another young man: Flexing means winding, basically.

Jeremy: It means winding. I'm none the wiser! We're flexing, we're winding... Does anybody here speak English? Does anybody speak English here?

A third young man: Showing off.

Jeremy: Showing off! This man speaks English! [crowd applauds] Flexing and winding means showing off.

[back in the studio after the tuner film]

Jeremy: That makes me feel very sad, that.

James: Why?

Jeremy: Well, I just wish that we'd had flexing and winding when we were kids, 'cause I love this whole modifying scene, I think it's brilliant.

James: Mm. We did have cruising, though.

Jeremy: I know, but that meant going to a gentlemen's lavatory, and that's... [dismissive gesture]

[having interrupted the second Toyota torture film at a critical moment]

James: I'll show you what happened later.

Richard: That's evil!

James: It stops people turning over to Heartbeat.

[on modern British consumers]

Richard: They earn money, they see stuff in shops, and they buy it. That's just the way most of us are. Me! I'm partial to a shirt!

[discussing the Renault Mégane CC and the Peugeot 307 CC]

Richard: [voiceover] So just why are these cars so modern-Britain? Well, for one thing, they are achingly fashionable, inside and out, with designer touches everywhere.

Richard: Look at that: the brushed aluminium on matte black effect. That's perfection to a bloke, that is. I'd have all my clothes in brushed aluminium on matte black if I could.

[on the Peugeot 307 CC and Renault Mégane CC]

Richard: As we stand here, both of these cars are slowly sinking into the floor. They're that heavy.

Jeremy: So if I were to say to you, "OK, I'm going to shave your poodle... "

Richard: Right.

Jeremy: "... unless you tell me which one you'd have."

Richard: [looks at a loss]

Jeremy: Which one or the poodle's bald.

Richard: ... Bring on the razor, mate, I'm afraid.

Sanjeev Bhaskar: Now, Indians do like bling. I mean, if there was a Datsun Bling...

Jeremy: Well, hold on a minute. Now, we've had flexing, I've got that, and winding... what's bling?

Sanjeev: Bling is just, you know, flash. Color. It's kind of like - Indian parents, traditional Indian parents, are the only ones who'd watch The Fast and the Furious and say, [in Indian accent] "If you became an accountant, you should get a car like that."

Sanjeev: I'll tell you the reason that I stopped driving [in India]. I did about a mile and I told my cousin to take over. And I said - it was at night, and nobody uses their headlights, or very few people use their headlights because, you know, you wear 'em out. You'd just have to buy another one. Um, and so there was, there was - I stopped when I saw one headlamp coming towards me, and I said, "Look, I don't know if that's a scooter or it's a truck with one failed headlamp. And he kind of - my cousin stopped for a second, he said, [in Indian accent] "Or two scooters transporting a wardrobe." I said - I said, "You know, you're right, there is that third option. I'm an idiot. I don't know why I didn't think of it."

James: If I could only have one drink for the rest of my life, it would be a pint of bitter. And if I could only drive one supercar, it would be this: the Aston Martin Vantage.

James: In order to understand the impact of the Vantage, I want you to imagine a simple scene down your local boozer. Now, Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati, Porsche, all that lot - they're the blokes round the bar with the big opinions. Giving it lots of that. [mimes talking] Aston Martin is the quiet bloke in the corner, with his pint of best and the crossword. And then, suddenly, he decides he's had enough. So he gets up, he takes them all outside, and he gives them a bloody good hiding.

James: The Italians, you see, would concentrate on making a really, really fast car, but then they'd start to worry about all the practical stuff, like, where's the driver going to sit, and can he see out, and how are you going to join up all those wires that make the lights work? The British way, however, is to start with a normal car and then make it very fast. Think of the Jaguar XJR. It's one of the world's most comfortable saloon cars, and it just happens to go like a stabbed rat.

James: Say you wanted to bang in a nail. You could belt it really hard with a little hammer, or you could give it a tap with a really big one. The Aston's engine is a sledgehammer.

[on the V8 engine in the Vauxhall Monaro]

Jeremy: It's far from the most sophisticated engine in the known universe, but because it's so big, you can put it in sixth and pootle around at three, doing plenty of miles to the gallon. Or you can poke it with a stick. Then you will go from nought to sixty in six and a half seconds and reach a top speed of over 160. Usually sideways.

[for a joke, Clarkson claims that the car issues insulting voice messages if the traction control is engaged]

Monaro: Backs to the wall, everyone, there's a pom on board! He's turned the traction control on! What a poofter.

Monaro: You hopeless pom.

Jeremy: Shut up.

Monaro: And you got lucky in the rugby.

Jeremy: Shut up!

Jeremy: It's big and simple and I love it.

Jeremy: Pray silence, please, for Dame Edna Everstig.

Jeremy: Damn! I think I've won.

[in the studio, after the film showing the Hilux falling with the roof of an imploding tower block]

Jeremy: Now, we've seen that it started.

James: Yeah, it did start.

Jeremy: But did it move?

James: I can hardly believe this myself - ladies and gentlemen, here it is!

[horribly battered but still moving under its own power, the Hilux enters the studio]

[on the state of the utterly smashed but still running Toyota]

Richard: That's not bad. I've taxed worse.

Jeremy: We could carry on trying to destroy it, but do you know what? I think we should build a plinth.

December 14th, 2003 [3.7]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: The Germans always aim high. Stalingrad by Christmas and the world by Easter, and then we'll sort out Rover.

Jeremy: The Porsche Cayenne: the first car ever to be named after an ingredient.

[on the Cayenne]

Jeremy: Nought to 60 takes five seconds. And about 17 gallons of fuel.

Richard: [on the CityRover] At 6,900 pounds it is too expensive, particularly as, well it's rubbish.

Jeremy: [voiceover] As an engineering exercise, the Cayenne is astonishing. Only the Germans could've pulled it off. But all their efforts with the power and the speed and the toughness and the agility - they were all a complete and utter waste of time. Because look at it.

[pulls over, gets out]

Jeremy: I think what they tried to do is make the front look like a 911. Which it doesn't. And then from here back it looks like they just haven't bothered! Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It is a monkfish among cars. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis, and frankly I would rather walk back to the studio than drive another yard in it. So I shall. [looks around, points] That way. [walks out of frame]

[on the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren]

Richard: So much grip! It'll crease the road before it lets go, I'm sure.

[on the SLR's engine]

Richard: It puts out six hundred and twenty-six brake horsepower, and more torque than in all the rest of the cars in the world added together.

Richard: This is the sort of power that planets are built with! Awesome!

[disappointed by the SLR's interior]

Richard: There's plastic - [raps on dash] - in here. Come on.

Richard: And then they tell you - proudly! - that there's enough room in the boot for two sets of golf clubs. And that worries me, that's just fat-businessman stuff. It's a marriage between McLaren and Mercedes, the SLR. And it's brilliant! I just wish it was a bit more McLaren and a bit less Mercedes.

[on the MG XPower SV]

Jeremy: Inside, it's pretty much as you'd expect: hopeless. I've got no satellite navigation, no electric seats, no airbag, and while there is a third gear - nnnngh! - I don't really have the strength to engage it. Furthermore, this window doesn't go all the way down, as you can see, the antilock brakes are broken, there's nowhere to put my left leg, the dashboard looks like I made it, and half the time the dials come over all Longbridge-ish and go on strike.

Jeremy: This car has one of the world's great engines, a big, gurgling V8 with huge torque and an even huger thirst. Flat-out, at 165 miles an hour, this car is using a kilo of fuel every minute. That's jet fighter consumption, but then it goes like a jet fighter!

Jeremy: Oh, this is terrific! Just imagine how good it would be if you could get third.

[after Jeremy bangs his head on the XPower SV's door frame during a hard maneuver]

Richard: I could watch that all day! Who'd like to see it in slow motion?

Richard: But it does sound a lot like a TVR in feeling, you know, noisy and different...

Jeremy: Yes, except a TVR has got a better interior than this, and actually, I think a TVR will be more reliable.

Richard: [giggling] Just how bad was that knock on your head?

Richard: Oh, look! Jeremy's brought a plastic car!

Jeremy: This car is plastic. It has a stupid rear spoiler and it's made by a company no one's ever heard of on an industrial estate in Leicestershire. So for posing it's hopeless. But for the undiluted thrill of driving, it's almost impossible to do better.

[on Jeremy's advocacy of the Noble]

Richard: He just - he misses the point, he's reduced the whole thing to a mathematical equation! That's not a car, it's a calculator.

[on Jeremy's advocacy of the Noble and Richard's of the Morgan Plus 8]

James: They've brought the wrong cars.

[advocating the Rover 75]

James: There's nothing raucous about its V6 engine. It rides more smoothly than a Rolls-Royce Corniche. And it's trimmed like a first-class cabin on the Titanic. Before it sank.

James: The problem with the Morgan is, it's just a car they forgot to stop making in the forties.

[on the Noble]

James: This is a bathroom appliance.

Jeremy: So, with the very greatness of Britain resting on his shoulders, the Stig is away.

Jeremy: That is German music! The treacherous Stig's listening to Beethoven! Although he probably knows it simply as the tune from the IBM ad.

December 21st, 2003 [3.8]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Audi's new V6 ankle bracelet; A moment of madness from Aston Martin; And Johnny Vegas in our Reasonably-Priced Car - which should be interesting since he can't drive!

[while interviewing Johnny Vegas]

Johnny: I wanted a people carrier, but you've slated it so much on the show.

Jeremy: Well people carriers are for people who've given up.

Johnny: Look at me!

[on the Peugeot 206 GTi]

Jeremy: It manages to be so heavy when it's made out of spit and Kleenex.

Richard: What I like is the way Jeremy's taken on a kind of a bouncer role here. I mean, just leaping around the audience looming at people.

Jeremy: [trying to get onto the buyer list for a Ford GT] Fords are magnificent in every way.

December 28th, 2003 [3.9]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Cameron Diaz tests Lamborghini's lightweight Murciélago naked; We drive Schumacher's F1 Ferrari; And our Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car is her Majesty, the Queen.

James: Have a look at this, this is our - Jeremy's - bar bill from the Isle of Man trip. [allows large stack of fanfold printer paper to fall to the floor] That's a huge number of fruit-based drinks.

[accompanied by James playing the theme music on a Casio keyboard]

Richard: On tonight's cut-price Top Gear: A small plastic car that's actually quite economical; we take a seasonal Yuletide trip to, eh... Birmingham; oh, and we do have a supercar! Albeit a quite cheap one.

[on the Chrysler Crossfire]

Jeremy: Now, of course, being a coupé, the styling is hugely important, and... oh dear.

Jeremy: Nought to 60 takes 7.2 seconds. There are animals which are faster than that.

Jeremy: So. It looks like a dog doing a poo; it's slow, uncomfortable, expensive, and cursed with a cramped, badly trimmed interior, an awful gearbox and no back seats. The engine doesn't make a particularly sporty noise, the ride is terrible, and it isn't especially economical.

[on the Brabus Smart Roadster V6 Bi-Turbo]

Richard: It's like a bottle of sports car concentrate.

[nomination for the Dullest Formula 1 Driver of the Year award]

Richard: Kimi Räikkönen. He's 24 years old, he's paid millions of pounds a year, and he chooses to live... in Chigwell.

[Ugliest Car of the Year]

Jeremy: Now those were the nominations, but I'm overruling all of them. I'm playing my joker and I'm going to say that the winner is the BMW... range!

Jeremy: It's the Enemy of the State Award, the person who's done the most to harm the cause of the petrolhead these last 12 months. Gentlemen, the nominations.

Richard: The Chief Constable of North Wales, Richard Brunstrom, for his resolutely unpopular anti-motorist stance.

James: There are no more nominations.

[nominations for Surprise of the Year]

Richard: And the Vauxhall Signum. In particular, we were surprised that anyone could be catatonically stupid enough to make a people carrier that can actually carry fewer people than the saloon on which it's based.

James: There's normally something really tragic about the bottom of the range. You know, the 1.6 version. A little boot badge that says you're on the bottom rung. And you sit there in a world of velour looking at a little - a little slot on the dashboard where you know there would be a switch if this was a posh version, but instead you've got a little bit of plastic that just blanks it off. And you can't help driving along and thinking, "If I'd just paid a bit more attention at school and if I'd just worked a bit harder, I'd have air conditioning."

[on the Jaguar XJ6]

James: This car has that magic X-factor that we like so much on Top Gear. You'd sort of expect it to be really boring, but then when you drive it, you discover it makes perfect sense. I mean, here's a Jaguar that saves you a shedload of cash, and in return, all it asks is that you just press the pedal a bit harder. That's it!

Richard: And as for the Alfa 147 GTA, well, that's not dead, but it's as mad as a badger.

Richard: It's always been a bit of an old-school hooligan, the Civic Type R. If it were in a porn film, it would play the stable lad. Or the plumber. Rather than the smooth international businessman.

[on the Honda NSX-R]

Richard: And there's this. The gaiter at the base of the gear lever. Usually leather, it's been replaced with fine mesh to save 10 grams. I could've done that wearing a thinner pair of socks.

Richard: The thing is, no matter how hard it tried, it was never a Ferrari.

May 9th, 2004 [4.1]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: an awful new car from Rover; a brilliant new car from Aston Martin; and the Apache helicopter gunship: can it get missile lock on a Lotus Exige?

Jeremy: "A dog makes a better noise than that if you tread on it" (Regarding a Strokes song the show used).

Jeremy: [trying to out-manoeuvre an Apache helicopter's radar in a Lotus Exige] The best helicopter gunship in the world, flown by the best pilots in the world, the British Army, against the best handling car in the world, driven by an idiot.

Jeremy: That's not something you see everyday, a gunship in your rear view mirror.

Jeremy: Get out of the way, you Polish lorry! Why are you cluttering up our roads with Latvian milk?!

[During the News Segment. Hammond has just mentioned the new mini. He is wearing a bright red shirt.]

Jeremy: Whoa, what are the noises for? Do you like it?

Audience (Including James): No!

Richard: Heck, I do, Actually, I think that looks great! [silence] Maybe it's the shirt?

Jeremy: How much is it going to cost?

Richard: It's going to cost... well, they'll generally be about £2500 more than the equivalent hard top. So the Cooper S, the Supercharged version of that, £17 500, £15 500 for the coupe. About £13 500 I think for the mini one.

James: That's horrible.

Richard: Well, yeah, but the mini- it's not a cheap small car. It's an expensive small car. And I like that [points at mini].

Jeremy: It's a metrosexual car.

Both: A What?

Jeremy: Metrosexual! It's the new thing! It's for the chap, he doesn't wanna be too butch, he doesn't wanna have like, you know, a big 4x4, he spends quite a bit of money on hair products- [gestures towards Richard]

Richard: Don't point at me, mate.

Jeremy: He's interested in shirts, probably wears cowboy boots- [Richard is looking sheepishly at his feet, which are clad in cowboy boots] -That kind of thing! He's a blend of gay and not-gay.

Richard: [talking over Jeremy] I am not a metro-flamin'-sexual!

Jeremy: You are a metrosexual! I can see you in one of those! [Points at the Mini Cooper's picture]

Richard: Apart from anything else, how would you know what a metrosexual is?

Jeremy: I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.

Richard: You're probably right.

May 16th, 2004 [4.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: a pink Ford; a black man's Cadillac; and I go berserk in a Silver Arrow.

[during a news segment]

Jeremy: Have you seen the back seats of the Discovery?

Richard: They're magnificent!

James: Fantastic!

Richard: It's worth getting one—well you won't get one 'cos...

[Jeremy spots someone in the audience]

Jeremy: Jesus is here!

Richard: Well, we never knew!

Jeremy: Who have we booked as the guest this week?

Richard: Maybe he's not suppose to be on yet.

Jeremy: Is he the guest? That would be something, we'll have some viewers then!

Jesus: At least I'm not too tall for my hair, eh Jeremy?

Both: Wahey!

[on the Cadillac Escalade]

Richard: [voiceover] American cars usually have pretty rubbish interiors, and inside the Escalade's, it's business as usual. Look [taps dashboard], they've just cut a wheelie bin to make that bit. It's all one lump of plastic. [voiceover] In American you can buy one of these motorized shopping malls for 28,000 pounds. But as is the way with these things, by the time it gets over here with some toys on it and the forms filled out, it's 50,000 pounds.

Richard: [After having seen himself unable to start a car after being hypnotised by Paul McKenna] I really don't like you.

Jeremy: (On the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren) "It sounds like the god of thunder gargling a hammer."

May 23rd, 2004 [4.3]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Jordan makes a boob in our Liana; Ferrari and Porsche go to war on our track; And we have some crashes on purpose.

Jeremy and James: [upon Richards arrival] HE'S BOUGHT A ROVER!!!

Richard: What I really do want is a radio.

Jeremy: (Listening to his radio) Robbie Williams played through a 1980's Volvo stereo.

Richard: I'd listen to radio 3! Or The Archers on 4!

Jeremy: (singing along) Thoughts running through my head...

Richard: Oh, I wish I had a radio!

Jeremy: That's the worst stereo I've ever heard in my life.

Richard: God, I wish I had a radio!

Jeremy: (smug) But it is a stereo. And Hammond doesn't have one.

[During the ride to Manchester in their £100 cars]

Richard: If I were a rich man, bidibidibidibidibidibidibidiboom! Okay, I've done "If I Were a Rich Man." Any other suggestions?

Jeremy: If I were a tall man?

Richard: Funny...Very funny...

Richard: There is, coming up ahead, an enormous cloud of smoke, which I can only assume is Jeremy.

[on the Italian police's Lamborghini Gallardo]

Jeremy: Yes, but we've been wondering all week, why? Because it is impossible to commit a motoring offence in Italy!

James: I've been stopped by the Italian police.

Jeremy: What for?

James: I was doing about 110 in an Aston Martin DB7. I overtook the police car on a left hand bend and he pulled me up at the next lay-by because I'd left the filler flap open at the garage.

Jeremy: It's a style thing is what you're saying.

Richard: What? Spoling the lines of the car?

James: He didn't even say anything. He came out and he went up and he went (mimes pushing the filler cap closed with a stern expression). I thought I was going to get a ticket for being unsetting.

[on the 1968 Dodge Charger's brakes]

Richard: (voiceover) But as for going from sixty to naught... Oh dearie me...

Richard: (nervously) I'm braking! (The car shows no sign of slowing.) Quite firmly! Fffff- (The car finally stops and Richard is visibly relieved) I was considering evasive then! Ha ha ha!

[watching Jeremy's £100 Volvo start it's speed run]

Richard: The thing is just not going away! It's still there!

Jeremy: [reading] "Each of you must drive your car into a wall at 30 mph. You lose 10 points if you're killed, 5 points for each broken bone, and 1 point for each blood injury."

Richard: Right. That sounds-...

Jeremy: I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually.

Richard: With your Volvo.

Jeremy: With my Volvo.

Richard: By contrast, with my Rover made entirely of rust, I'm feeling a bit scared. [to May, who is looking unhappy] James, are you all right?

James: Have a crash? On purpose?

[about to crash his £100 Audi]

James: Well... It's been good. I met Jodie Kidd... and Stephen Fry.

[James has just crashed his £100 Audi]

Jeremy: Yes, he's dead, so that's ten points away there! And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear...

Richard: No, no wait, look! He's coming 'round!

Jeremy: He's alive!

Richard: He lives!... That's not ten points off, though. Blast.

[on crashing his £100 Audi]

James: [rather upbeat] That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Then it was my turn, and I had a problem. The speedo wasn't working, so I had to guess how fast thirty was, and I got it a bit wrong.

[about to crash his £100 Volvo]

Jeremy: GERONIMO!

[Just after he crashed his Volvo]

Jeremy: "Damn, Damn, I think I missed the wall."

[During the 996 GT3 RS vs Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale]

Jeremy: "Eat my exhausts, Badoer!"

[revealing how much he paid for his Volvo]

Jeremy: ONE POUND! One pound! Yes! The Volvo! Losers! Losers!

May 30th, 2004 [4.4]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Some big challenges; Can you play darts with cars?; Which is faster, a Ford or a pigeon; And can this new Porsche break the lap record on our track?

Jeremy: [while lying underneath a Porsche Carrera GT] I'm speaking to you now from inside one of the venturi tunnels!

Jeremy: Right, what we have here is a snooker table or as Richard Hammond calls it as he arrived this morning, "Crikey, a football pitch!"

Jeremy: My name... is Jack Bauer. And this is the most economical 24 hours of my life.

Richard: [After launching a car from a gas cannon down onto a parked caravan] That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan!

[At the end of the film]

Jeremy: You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

[On the new Mitsubishi Lancer and Subaru Impreza]

Richard: And the other thing is, every time they launch a new model, they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers after the cars name. So! These are the two new models. This is the Subaru Impreza STi, WRX, WR, 1. And this is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. VIII, MR, FQ, 3, 20.

June 13th, 2004 [4.6]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: We ask, can you run a car on a poo?; Have the Americans made something which can go round corners?; And the 'new' Jaguar XJS, is it any good?

Jeremy: There are shanty towns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!

Terry Wogan: Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?

Jeremy: Never. Do you?

Terry: No.

Jeremy: Foxes?

Terry: No!

Jeremy: No?

[silence]

Terry: ...children?

Jeremy: I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children.

Terry: You see, you see, you're too soft for this game.

James: Oh dear....

Richard: [About the American-styled dashboard in the Cadillac CTS] The last time I saw plastic like this [taps it] it contained Tic-Tacs.

[on Cadillac's decision not to sell their new CTS in Britain]

Richard: That's not really surprising because the last Cadillac to be in the United Kingdom, was the STS. And that was rubbish. And I do mean, rubbish. [voiceover] It handled and looked like a pig, there was no reason for that car to be sale in Great Britain at all.

Richard: damn, damn, stevespeed just OMGWALLD!"

July 11th, 2004 [4.7]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard try their hand at minicabbing; I drive a smoking jacket from Holland; and our Reasonably-Priced Car says Hello!... to Lionel Richie.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG]

Jeremy: ...it even has the traditional Mercedes voice activated computer which doesn't understand a blind word you're on about. Let me show you... Dial number.

Mercedes Computer: Dialling.

Jeremy: I haven't told you what to dial yet... Dial number.

Mercedes Computer: The number please?

Jeremy: [quickly] 01785.

Mercedes Computer: 0785.

Jeremy: No, you missed the one.

Mercedes Computer: Pardon?

Jeremy: You missed the one.

Mercedes Computer: The number is deleted, please continue.

Jeremy: See what I mean?

Mercedes Computer: 202.

Jeremy: Where did that come from?

Mercedes Computer: Pardon?

Jeremy: And so it goes on.

[on what it takes to become a minicabber]

James: I had to fill out a questionnaire, have my passport looked at, show my driving licence, have a medical and at no point did they ask if I had a sense of direction!

James: Right...we need to go... right, left, left, right, left, again... [turns the wrong way and curses loudly]

[on the Spyker C8]

Jeremy: Look at this horn, it's not the sort of aggressive thing you get on an Italian car, that "Errrrr!!! Get out of my way, earthling!" horn. It's more... a thing you use to attract the attention of other people in your tax haven. Morning Valentino! [waves and honks the horn]

July 18th, 2004 [4.8]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Richard says goodbye to a motoring icon; The fastest car in the world comes to our track; And how good is the Citroën 2CV in a crosswind?

July 25th, 2004 [4.9]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard take some cabrios to the wilds of Scotland; I go skiing on the B4796; And can you parachute into a moving car?

[during the Cool Wall]

Jeremy: [on the Fiat Barchetta] Who said it's still a Fiat? What's wrong with the Fiat?

Audience Member: They're not good. They're French!

Jeremy: Where the hell do we get this audience from?!

Richard: A gardening programme, mate...

Jeremy: Do you know what Fiat stands for, the "I" in it?! Italia!

[after Jeremy rants about the MG-F as being "for people with Beards, or Breasts"]

Richard: You know sometimes, when a thought pops into your head? You should kinda leave it there...and not put it out in the world.

Jeremy: [apparently shocked] Did I just say that all out loud, then?

Richard: Oh, yes mate, sorry, you did.

Jeremy: God another thought's just popped into my head, 'bout how like the cat in Shrek 2 you look like.

August 1st, 2004 [4.10]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James tries to get a sofa in a Volvo estate; The Hamster goes to see the 'Vette; And I go off road in a BMW that can't.

Richard: [On the Corvette] The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box.

Richard: [On the Corvette] This, then, is America's Porsche 911. But here in Europe, we already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911.

Richard: [On the Corvette] So, can this one follow in the tradition of its government and get up other countries' noses?

James: [On the Volvo V50] There's a touch of Ikea to all this, but, reassuringly, an expert has put it all together.

[On the BMW X3]

Jeremy: And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.

Patrick Kielty: [On the Delorean] Ok, look. I'm from Northern Ireland, to start with, right. So if you're from Northern Ireland, and someone actually tries to build a sports car factory, in Belfast, in 1980, when Belfast is more like downtown Baghdad, then manages to come over and build something which is aesthetically quite pleasing, and in the process, manages to take Margaret Thatcher for 100 million, and still has time to end up in a hotel room with a suitcase full of snow that Alberto Tomba couldn't ski down, I think he's a bit of a hero.

October 24th, 2004 [5.1]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: just the thing for an already confused world, another Porsche 911; we get sand in the trunks of 3 muscle cars; and how many bouncy castles can you jump in an ice-cream van?

Jeremy: (About the Porsche 996) "[...] it wasn't so much a car, more a place where a fat, balding, middle-aged man could go off and have his mid-life crisis... I liked it a lot!"

Jeremy: [voice-over during the drifting challenge] The Monaro did beat the Jag but now it's the turn of the Chrysler.....and oh dear!

Jeremy: [in the car]The Americans lectured the world on democracy and then WON'T LET ME TURN THE TRACTION CONTROL OFF! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG BAD DANGEROUS MUSCLE CAR! [American accent] Oh struth, you may hurt yourself! [normal voice again] A car designed by health and safety this one.

James: [Testing the Chrysler 300C on the beach] Stop interfering, you piece of... cheap electronic tat!

Jeremy: [On the Porsche 997 Carrera] So to sum up. The new Carrera is pretty much the same as old one except the gear lever comes off. This, however, is not a standard Carrera. This is a Carrera S. And the S stands for: So, fat, balding, middle-aged man, go and have your mid-life crisis somewhere else.

Jeremy: [On the Porsche 911 range] "And then the 3.8 S with the chrono sport pack, for thin, chiselled-jawed people who have no friends. Like the Stig, for instance!"

Jeremy: "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won't let me turn the traction control off!"

[On the Hummer aftershave]

Jeremy: It comes in a jerrycan of repressed homosexuality.

October 31st, 2004 [5.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: the Ferrari Enzo, the Jaguar XJ220, the Pagani Zonda, the McLaren F1, the Ferrari F40 and the Porsche Carrera GT!

[comparing the Porsche Carrera GT to the McLaren F1]

Jeremy: This car, then, ticks all the health-and-safety boxes. It's like an Airbus, very safe and very civilized, where as the old McLaren... that's like Concorde. Unfortunately, like Concorde, it was flawed. Even its biggest fans, and I'm not one of them, say that the gearbox is clunky, the steering's too heavy, the front's too vague, and the back end... is skittish.

[on the McLaren F1]

Jeremy: You know that bit in Dr. Strangelove, when Peter Sellers is astride the nuclear missile? That's what it's like... You don't know where you're going, you're in no real control, you just know the journey's going to end very soon, and very badly!

[While testing a Ferrari Enzo borrowed from Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason.]

Jeremy: Ummagumma!

Jeremy: This is the division bell between the ordinary and the absolutely astonishing.

Jeremy: That is the delicate sound of thunder" [referring to the noise made by the V12 engine]

Jeremy: You set the controls for the heart of the sun, and just like that... you're on the dark side of the Moon.

Jeremy: Atom heart mother!

Jeremy: It's a saucerful of secrets!

Jeremy: Ohh.. wish you were here, just to feel this power!

Jeremy: Now then, we can give this car back to Mr. Mason, because we're done with it. But look at how he's going home.

[Mason steps into a helicopter to the opening strains of Money and flies away]

Jeremy: [As he waves goodbye] Why's he doing that?

Jeremy: These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing.

Jeremy: All that comes out of the exhaust pipes on this Porsche, are baby foxes.

Jeremy: Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the oil.

James: Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronizing Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn it into a museum. He wants the East End full of cheeky, Cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels, and he wants northerners to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of the consumption - "Good morning Bill, I've got the consumption; it's tradition, alright." I say, Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching, because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big video cameras, saying, "Gee, I love your history, it's just so old." SOD OFF!

Jeremy: Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...

Richard: [very calm thus far] Oh, right.

Jeremy: [reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.

Richard: [frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?

Jeremy: You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...

Richard: She said that? She sounds all right!

Jeremy: Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.

[Audience laughs]

Richard: It's a modern world, that's all right.

Jeremy: But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?

Richard: Not really, no...

Jeremy: The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.

Richard: Broadmoor?

Jeremy: He's getting out soon and he wants to know-

Richard: But he could be watching now! Shut up!

Jeremy: [Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'

Richard: No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?

James: Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.

Richard: I don't like that.

November 7th, 2004 [5.3]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!

Jeremy: (Reading a safety warning on the Viper) "'This is an open vehicle - drive carefully.' No!"

Jeremy: Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)

November 14th, 2004 [5.4]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.

[On the Wally 118]

Richard: Welcome to the coolest thing in the entire world, a boat...If Darth Vader was a pirate, this would be his ship.

Richard: [While driving the Pagani Zonda Roadster through a tunnel] There are demons in here! AND I'M DRIVING ONE!

Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] This is my new home. In fact, I would sell my house, buy one of these, and live in a tunnel...Welcome to the Dark Side!

Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good.

[during the conclusion of the Pagani Zonda Roadster review]

Jeremy: This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!

Richard: I love it, I think this is the big one.

Jeremy: Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!

[During the news]

James: [talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?

Jeremy: Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.

James: I approve of those.

Jeremy: Why?

James: Because I'm a motorcyclist.

Jeremy: What's that got to do with it?

James: There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.

Jeremy: It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought—why?

James: The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]

Jeremy: Why is there no numberplate?

James: I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.

Richard: 'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.

James: So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.

Jeremy: Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?

Richard: Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...

Jeremy: Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.

Richard: Oh! Ooh no!

Jeremy: It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...

[Interview with Jimmy Carr]

Jeremy: Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.

Jimmy: Yes, Shell.

Jeremy: Middle Management?

Jimmy: Yeah, middle - I was in marketing, for oil.

Jeremy: Okay...

Jimmy: ...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?

Jeremy: Yeah.

Jimmy: Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?

Jeremy: Yeah?

Jimmy: Buy some petrol. Job done.

Jeremy: They make £800,000 an hour, profit. Shell.

Jimmy: An hour? That's more than I make in a week!

Richard: James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans.

James: That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.

James: [to a pizza boy at night in the woods] I suppose you are the headless pizza boy of the apocalypse, are you?

December 5th, 2004 [5.6]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: On tonight's show: How fast can a blind man get round our track? How much Porsche can you get for 1500 pounds? And Britain's most successful recording artist ever is in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

[During the £1500 Porsche challenge];

Jeremy: This was a hugely advanced car when it first came out: polyurethane bumpers; first car ever to have passive rear wheel steering... I've always, always... oh my God, I've got steam.

Richard: Is Jeremy breaking down?

Jeremy: Uh, guys, I've got a lot of steam coming out of the bonnet.

James: Did he say I've got some speed, or I've got some steam?

Jeremy: [voice over] No, it was definitely steam and it was erupting after just two miles.

[Jeremy discovers a leak in his Porsche's cooling system and "fills" it with about 10L of water before giving up, with it gushing from the radiator almost as quickly]

James: Jeremy and Richard have gone off inside to buy an egg, in the hope that we can use that old trick of mixing the egg white into the coolant system and that will find and block...

Jeremy: This, [He shows a chocolate Creme Egg] …this is Hammond's contribution. He's bought himself a chocolate egg.

Jeremy: [on his £1500 Porsche] For the first time today I have no warning light on the dashboard - all is well. Apart from, you know, the rear windscreen wiper and the electric window and the electric door mirrors and the stereo, and the clock, and the air conditioning, and the speedometer and the milometer, and the piston ring that's eating the engine, and the big smoke coming out of the back, everything's fine.

[During the £1500 Porsche challenge]

Jeremy: What is the next challenge?

James: You've got to spend the change from your £1500 budget...

Jeremy: Yeah..?

James: And with it, you've got to improve your car as much as possible and have it judged by an independent adjudicator who is from the Porsche owner's club.

Richard: Yeah, so you can spend all of the money from your £1500 that you didn't spend on your car... on your car.

Jeremy: How much did you spend?

Richard: I spent £750 on my car, so I've got £750 to spend on improving it.

James: I spent £900 on my car which gives me £600 to spend in improving it.

Richard: How much did you spend?

Jeremy: [mumbling] 1500

Richard: Sorry?

Jeremy: 1500

Richard: So you've got nothing to spend on improving it.

[the presenters have been told to write personal ads mentioning their cars, with points awarded for each reply]

James: "41-year-old man with sensitive hair" [May is interrupted at this point by Clarkson and the audience's reaction but resumes] "drives Porsche 944 luxe, seeks brewery heiress or similar, must have liberal attitude to motorcycle components in the bath."

Richard: "Porsche 924 owner"... got it in first... "good looking, mild mannered, snappy dresser, 5'11".."

Jeremy: Whaat?! "Five foot eleven"?

James: "Mild mannered"?

Richard: It's a Lonely Hearts ad! If I put "angry short bloke," I won't get any replies!

Jeremy: My ad: "Porsche 928 driver — that's the V8 one"...

Richard: Did you actually put, "that's the V8 one"?

Jeremy: Yes, right there, "that's the V8 one".

Richard: You actually did, ah.

Jeremy: "Tall, slim hips, likes books with speedboats on the cover, would like to meet someone for friendship, maybe more."

Richard: Can I just point out: do you know where he put that ad? He put that in the "Men Seeking Men" column. [laughter]

[Jeremy and Richard grumble about James' success in producing a number eleven skidmark off the line with his Porsche]

Richard: I've never seen him do anything that lairy!

Jeremy: That is... thirty-one feet.

Richard: Not bad.

Jeremy: Don't tell him that. Yeah, you did about four inches, mate. Well done.

James: Give up!

Jeremy: Yeah, that's four inches!

James: That's quite good!

Jeremy: Yeah, no, that was me the other day in a Bentley.

Richard: [After Jeremy does an "Asian number eleven" burnout - a rather sloppy 720-degree doughnut, as his car lacks the power to spin up the wheels in a straight line] You can't have that!

Jeremy: Look, if you were from a region of China just near Tibet northeast you'd look and you go [affects terrible "Chinese" accent] "Ah, someone write ereven!"

[At the end of the challenge]

Jeremy: So, James, how much did you sell your Nine Forty Four for?

James: £1,400!

December 12th, 2004 [5.7]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: On tonight's show: Richard takes an American muscle car in a road movie... across Lincolnshire; a 4-door saloon goes head-to-head with a Lamborghini; and it's the Top Gear Awards for the best and worst of 2004.

[on the Mustang GT]

James: The problem is, where as other muscle cars like the Charger had the good grace to die young, the Mustang lives on.

[on the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VIII MR FQ400]

Jeremy: This is amazing! A fit young racing driver in a supercar and he cannot pull away from a fat man in a four door saloon!

Jeremy: It has this Sonic the Hedgehog arrangement on the roof to help keep it straight and true with speed, and to help it cleave the air more easily, it has shrunken door mirrors which appear to have been modeled on Shrek's ears.

Jeremy: [realizing when the Lamborghini Murcielago lost] Now you see? You see? You see? He's Gone! He's Gone! He's put his wiper on! [to James Kaye on the Lamborghini Murcielago] Loser! LOSER!

Jeremy: So there we are this incredible 4 door family saloon really is as fast as a Lamborghini.

[on the Toyota Prius]

Jeremy: See the trees smile at me as I waft by. And watch the children run into the road, because they haven't heard me coming.

[on the Toyota Prius engine display]

Jeremy: This, I think, is a particularly good way of distracting you from the child who's run into the road having not heard you coming.

[continuing about the Prius]

Jeremy: Actually I'm being unfair. The Prius is so slow the child could run into the road, get his ball, and hit puberty before you ever actually hit him.

[On the Porsche Boxster]

James: Meet the new Boxster, same as the old Boxster.

[Later on]

James: This is a bargain. The best we ever had!

[The Top Gear Awards]

James: Now, elsewhere in the world, awards are awarded to reward excellence. But here, on the Top Gear awards, we like to award an award that rewards a car that we found particularly unrewarding... in 2... 2004... that's not quite right, is it?

Richard: And the Hyundai Accent, which is wretched, whatever engine it has, but we were particularly depressed with three-cylinder diesel version. It really is less fun than drowning!

Jeremy: (After being presented the Golden Cock award) "I am the Golden Cock!"

December 19th, 2004 [5.8]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: On tonight's show it's all about challenges! Which can get down a mountain the fastest: a rally car or a bobsleigh? Are modern-day showroom cars faster than racing cars from not that long ago? And can a Formula 1 Renault get round our track... in less than a minute?

[on the bobsled run]

Richard: Apparently it hits 6 and a half Gs in some of those corners down there. The driver's told me that he's been doing this for six years and he's 3 centimetres shorter. I can't afford to lose 3 centimetres!!

[during the bobsled run]

Richard: [shouting] I don't want to die in tights!

[on the French]

James: They are a bunch of treacherous, lamb-burning, work-shy peasants.

James: France is a country you have to drive through to get to Italy. That's all it's for.

[regarding the Ferrari 612 Scaglietti]

Dover Dock Guard: Is this your vehicle?

Jeremy: D'ya know what? It isn't, no!

James: [to Richard] You're wearing tights. I can't take lectures on physics from a man in tights. Dancing, yes. Physics, no.

[after entering Switzerland, which he refers to as being in the "automotive dark ages"]

Jeremy: The trouble with Switzerland is that they have no tolerance for speed or noise or cars, if Steve McQueen in the Great Escape made the jump into Switzerland, he'd be arrested for reckless driving.

[after being overtaken by Jeremy in his Ferrari]

James: Permission to say 'cock' for the second time this y... I've even abandoned my luggage!

Jeremy: [on driving the Ferrari 612 in the race to Verbier] Then you get to the Alpine pass. Them on their bus: dg dg dg dg dg dg! And you're just like, ahhhnn ahhnn ahhnnnn, trying to catch them up!

James: [while on the train, updating Jeremy's position] Jeremy, I've just calculated, is about here [points on map, east of Dijon] at the side of the road, talking to a gendarme. But, in a few hours' time, he'll be up here [points to centre of Paris] in a place called Le Bastille. [Richard nearly spit-takes]

December 26th, 2004 [5.9]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: we splash about in a supercharged German army halftrack; the "What Not to Wear" girls show us how not to drive; and I go Bo! Selecta in an Ariel Atom.

[on the Daewoo Tacuma]

Jeremy: The only way you could possibly drive this car is with a box on your head, so no one could tell it's you.

[testing the Ariel Atom]

Jeremy: So stick that in your sport exhaust, Mr. Kawasaki.

Jeremy: [Yelling at the top of his voice over the wind noise] The Atom is fast on an entirely new level! I have never driven anything that accelerates so fast! [voiceover] It's so quick, it can destroy your entire face. [face stretches in the slipstream]. OH MY GOD!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Over the years, I've flown F-15 fighters and done power slides in airboats and strafed the desert from helicopter gunships, but for sheer excitement, this thing [the Atom] is off the scale. Even so, there will still be those who say that no car, no matter how fast it is, can ever be as exciting as a big bike.

Jeremy: [yelling over the Atom's cockpit noise again] Oh, puh-lease! I mean, I don't have to wear a helmet in here, which means my epiglottis is full of bees! And there's so much wildlife in my hair, you could film an episode of Badger Watch in there!

Richard: [After opening the door of a Mercedes-Benz G55 AMG] Unless I have been sorely misinformed, supermodels are powerless to resist a man with illuminated doorsills.

James: It costs £9,400. For that you get... well, it's like a car really, only not quite as good. [Commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5 Diesel]

James: If you've got the brochure on the Hyundai Accent on your coffee table, can I implore you please, not to do it. Buy a Fiesta, buy a second-hand Golf, go on holiday. Don't do it! [Commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5L diesel]

James: The last Proton I drove was something called the Impian. It was a very long journey and the car was so awful that - to be honest - I wanted to harm myself. [Commenting on the Proton Gen II]

[on the Kia Magentis]

Jeremy: I drove a manual one of these the other day and I couldn't believe it, it went 1st, 2nd... SEVENTH, 8th and 9th. Now, I know what they're trying to say, look, you got two gears for quick acceleration and three for good fuel economy. But actually, the acceleration wasn't that good and the fuel economy wasn't that good and you have nothing in the middle. This one has an automatic, which makes it, well... worse. There's a very good reason why its cheap, it's crap!

May 22nd, 2005 [6.1]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Toyota's new small car, can it play football?; The new Range Rover Sport, can it outrun a 120mm tank shell?; And James Nesbitt, how will he get on in our reasonably priced car?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy: Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy: Look - it's telling me the brakes have overheated and I should "Drive Carefully". [reluctantly] All right, I'll back it off to 140, but that's it. I'm having too much fun.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy: The back seats aren't terribly comfortable, but they'll do for a short trip to the golf club. And you would be going to the golf club actually, because the satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations and golf courses. Everything the modern Mercedes-driver needs...

Jeremy: Our transport department is now being run by Darling and Ladyman. [...] Welcome aboard Mr Ladyman. Pop down anytime you like and bring Mr Darling with you.

[on the diesel option for the Range Rover Sport]

Jeremy: You can't have this car with a diesel engine. It'd be like saying, "Well, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman...!" Yeah, but... [he grimaces]

[Starting Range Rover Sport vs. Challenger 2 Face-off]

Jeremy: So here we are on the start line: Goliath and David... Beckham.

[During the Aygo Football segment]

James: Door ball! That's not allowed!

[see Blue Aygo 2, with ball jammed inside door]

James: Would the Element be a car for people who like hip-hop, or for people waiting for a hip-op?

[The trio have chained themselves to a bus, in a mock eco protest]

James: What do we want?

Jeremy: A Range Rover!

James: When do we want it?

Richard: As soon as we can arrange easy financing!

May 29th, 2005 [6.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Old Jaguars, should you buy one?; Old BMWs, are they as well made as we think?; And old Mitsubishis, should you drive a car built by an aeroplane maker?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he's wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[during the news, talking about the Greatest Driving Song]

Jeremy: [to Richard] You! You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? He was on Radio 1, which is a small radio station for, like, four year olds, and he said that the best ever driving song was by a band called, what are they called, the baby-snatchers?

Richard: The BodyRockers, you poor bewildered old fool!

Jeremy: [voiceover] ...Oxford isn't a city, it's a bus lane.

Jeremy: Oxford hates cars!

Richard: [pointing to James' Jaguar] So it's really gonna hate this!!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...

Richard: Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."

Jeremy: [as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.

James: [voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me! Help. [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, the Jag just kept pounding round. The only time it came into the pits was when the Captain's sense of direction broke down.

James: No, I didn't mean to come in, I went the wrong way!

[on the Maserati MC12 achieving the fastest lap to date]

Jeremy: You know, well, speed isn't everything... I can't believe I've just said that!

[on the endurance race]

Jeremy: It's not the winning. It's not the taking part. It's just bashing Hammond!

James: Motorsport is rubbish! [At the end of the coupes' race – 29/05/2005]

June 12th, 2005 [6.3]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Two British sports cars with forged papers; Dr. Who is the star in our reasonably priced car; And I splash out on a seventies Roller.

James: [On the Maserati Bora] Is molto bella!

[on the Wiesmann MF3]

Jeremy: You see the body and you think it's going to be as advanced as mud - but honestly, it corners like a cylon interceptor.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue... we know him only, as the Stig.

[During the news]

Jeremy: [On the Porsche Cayman] Porsche, the laziest design studio in the world!

Jeremy: [On the smart fire car] You know that, erm, World's Wildest Police Chase thing that's on Channel 5 late at night (exaggerated American accent) "There's police chases from around the world!" And it's always a big V8 chasing a Corvette in Australia and America, then they go (American accent again) "We got a chase from the United Kingdom of England Land." And it's, "Oh no it's gonna be so embarrassing!" Sure enough it's a Vauxhall Astra with a big DIESEL sign over it. (Yorkshire policeman accent) "Ohh we're chasing this err BMX bike up the err A34." Oh this is going round the world, they're gonna laugh at us!

June 19th, 2005 [6.4]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: I test the Cadillac CTS-V; Hammond tests the new BMW 3-Series; and we get three old ladies to test some small cars, because we couldn't be bothered.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[after getting his Ford back after being fixed for sending out numerous SOS calls while he is in it]

Richard: So finally it's mended, hurrah!

Jeremy: [in high-pitched voice] No!

Richard: You're joking!

Jeremy: I'm not, I'm not! Got in it to come down here, ring-ring "Your car's been stolen!"

Richard: No!

Jeremy: [later, to Ford, via the camera] If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!

[he then clarifies this as removing all of the dog's bones]

James: For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000, ONO [May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement]

Jeremy: But unfortunately, its driver had become bored with waiting. [Clarkson walks up to the Audi S4 with the Stig asleep at the wheel and knocks on the windscreen] Stiggy! Wakey wakey! Listen. We're gonna do a race. Okay? You're going to drive the Audi, and see if you can get past the Cadillac. Okay?

[the Stig stares back through his helmet]

Jeremy: [looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?

[Jeremy has been looking in some boxes of Hammond's mum. He has now found something, and is practically wetting himself with laughter. He stumbles over to James whilst still laughing]

Jeremy: James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]

James: [grimacing] Ooh...

Jeremy: They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]

James: [mocking] Late-night love...

Jeremy: [mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...

James: This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for] Oh! [tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!

[both crack up]

Jeremy: I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]

Richard: [in the episode where their mums test three hatchbacks] Now we're just using boxes of old junk [lifts a box] cleared out of the mothers' lofts. You know, the kind of... the old tat that no one could possibly want, or... be prepared to read [holding up two of Jeremy's books and one of his solo videotapes]

[on the Peugeot 407]

Jeremy: Looks good but no, it'll fall to pieces. Made by people who eat onions!

James: [talking about the Peugeot 1007's heavy electric doors] I think they were right about the Peugeot, because if we'd tested this we'd have spent all day with that button going "bzzzzt" and saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!". But our mothers managed to see beyond that and recognize that the rest of this car is rubbish!

June 26th, 2005 [6.5]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: A Formula One world champion is the Star In Our Reasonably Priced Car; the Jaguar E-Type and the Aston Martin DB5; and the British Army shoots me in the face.

[On the Jaguar E-Type losing a drag race to the Honda Accord.]]

Jeremy: (voiceover) It seems like a strange result. I mean, when Jaguar launched the E-Type they said it would do 150 miles an hour. So how could it lose to a Japanese box? Well, let me explain.

Jeremy: They were lying!

[on the Mercedes SLK-55]

Jeremy: Come on automatic gearbox, WAKE UP!

[driving the new Mercedes Benz SLK while being shot by the Irish Guard snipers]

Jeremy: I'VE JUST SOILED MYSELF!!!!!

[A few moments later...]

Jeremy: I've been shot in the ear, the lungs, and there's a big mess in my pants!

July 17th, 2005 [6.8]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: On tonight's show: I drive the Audi TT Convertible, in Iceland; Richard drives the Nissan 350Z Convertible, in Iceland; And James drives the Chrysler Crossfire Convertible. Guess where?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: Hello, and welcome to Top Gear. Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all.

Jeremy: [On the Ferrari F430's various drive modes] And then CST, which turns all the driver aids off. Don't know what CST stands for... Commit... Suicide... Training..?

James: I bet you any money he's come over to tell me he's stumped by that Chrysler.

Jeremy: James? I'm stumped by that Chrysler.

July 24th, 2005 [6.9]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Thunderberks are go; we attempt a World Record; and the most annoying car I've ever driven turns out to be one of the best.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: He's a hugely successful DJ, television presenter, and business man. And he achieved all this despite being born with a terrible affliction... [laughing] Ginger hair.

[Jeremy and James are discussing the Vauxhall Astra and Jeremy is lamenting its lack of grip to go with its very powerful engine]

James: It's sort of exciting though, admit it.

Jeremy: It's exciting in the same way as being shot at is exciting.

James: [While driving someone] The interesting thing about the French nation, I think, because they are essentially peasants and Communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car.

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] However your home may be at risk if you vote for Meatloaf!

July 31st, 2005 [6.10]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James May thinks he's a racing driver; Richard Hammond thinks he's Jesus; and I think I'm going to be killed.

James: I'd give... the rest of me year's salary... to see that sink [When Jeremy was on an Argocat amphibious vehicle]

[during the outdoor toys test]

Jeremy: You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?

Richard: Tired, scared?

Jeremy: He's had an operation.

Richard: Where?

Jeremy: [whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.

Richard: Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!

Jeremy: That's ...why [laughter]

Richard: With the saddle and everything!

James: [voiceover] It's true.

[Jeremy has managed to get his quad bike running]

Jeremy: Well done, Mr Mole-Husband, you're off. [The quad suddenly stalls, and Jeremy becomes frustrated] OHHH GO-O-OD! I HATE THIS QUAD!!!

[on the high powered quad bike]

Jeremy: This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!

Richard: It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!

[talking about the hovercraft]

Jeremy: Now, listen chaps, I have had the pleasure of driving one of these before and there are one or two things I need to tell you. First of all, okay, if you see an obstacle, like if we're going over there, if you see one of those trees coming towards you—too late, you're gonna hit it.

Richard: Alright, okay.

Jeremy: Well, you're not worried about that?

Richard: Well, if that's what happens….

Jeremy: You'll turn the handlebars, that won't make any difference—straight on, okay? So you think, "Alright, I'll lift off the power, the air will come out of the sack, it'll dig in and you'll be jettisoned at 50 miles an hour into the tree—

Richard: Oh, so you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.

Jeremy: Yes, that's your choice.

[after falling off a hovercraft]

Jeremy: I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.

James: [Commenting on Dubai whilst there] I've got shirts older than this city.

Jeremy: "Yes, Lucifer has come to our little world of milk and petrol." (Speaking of the BMW 535d allowed to come on TG's track, the first diesel powered car on their track, the "rule breaker")

James: [On voting for Bat Out Of Hell as the best driving anthem ever] If you do choose to vote for Bat Out of Hell then we will come round and cut off YOUR electricity!

Richard: If we were to go to one of those offroad centers-they're springing up all over the place, where you can rent stuff out and do what we did, what would you have? And I'm telling you straight-away, it wouldn't be the racing quads, because you might as well just say, "I'd like to rent some death, please, for the day!"

Jeremy: Yeah, "I want to be dead within the hour!", "Certainly sir, have one of these!"

Jeremy: [On which buggy was better] Question is, which one? Cause your Drakart…great fun, lots of sideways action-

Richard: Hooligan-style!

Jeremy: -but quite unsophisticated; it was like going sideways in scaffolding.

August 7th, 2005 [6.11]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James tries his hand at being Beethoven; Richard wrestles a rampaging bull; and I develop a sudden urge to marry my cousin.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he's terrified of ducks, and that there's an airport in Russia named after him... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[During the news]

Jeremy: You told me the other day that your bike, whatever it is, sounds like you belching.

James: No, I didn't.

Jeremy: You did!

James: No. What I said was the sound at low revs from the exhausts is like the sound that a burp makes when it's forming [pointing at his stomach] down here...

Jeremy: I don't want to hear a forming burp going past my house on a Sunday afternoon, with someone dressed like a Power Ranger! I don't want that!

Jeremy: [on the Ford F150] So, there are several small reasons why we don't need a pick-up like this and then there's the main one: it's rubbish.

November 13th, 2005 [7.1]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: How reliable is your car? How will this new British supercar fare on our track? And the new Baby Aston: how does it perform as an ark?

Jeremy: "Welcome To Greenpeace!" (After a video montage introducing the 7th series)

[on the Stig]

Richard: Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that where ever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[during the news, talking about the website Top Gayer]

Jeremy: Right, there's a new motoring website that's come out. It's for homosexuals...

(Audience Laughs as Richard abruptly reacts.)

Jeremy: It's a motoring site for homosexuals. You know what they called it?

(An audience member at the back shouts "Top Queer")

Jeremy: No, not Top Queer...

(Audience laughs, followed by applause)

Jeremy: ...though that's very good.

Richard: That's very good.

Jeremy: That's better than what they've come up with.

Richard: It is actually better.

Jeremy: They've actually called it... "Top Gayer."

(Audience laughs as a screenshot of the site is shown.)

Jeremy: I like Top Queer more!

Richard: Yeah. We'll set up a rival one.

Jeremy:The best thing about it, okay? 'Cause I went in and checked this one out, and...

Richard: Did you?

Jeremy: Yeah. The editor is called Rich. (Pauses then looks at Richard...)

Richard: Oh come on! It's not—

Jeremy: No, he's put a CV of himself in and he says he lives in the Cotswolds...

Richard: Well yeah I do—

Jeremy: He's got a 4x4.

Richard: Yes I have, but I'm not moonlighting as the editor of a gay website OK?

Jeremy: He's got a dog!

Richard: Yes look...I've got a...but it's not me!

Jeremy: He's had his teeth whitened.

Richard: I haven't had... I have not had my teeth whitened!

Jeremy: What they just become white?

Richard: In the same way that yours have gone green!

[Jeremy laughs]

Richard: It just happens to your teeth!

Jeremy: Anyway listen. If you are a homosexual and you want to know about... cars, write to "Richard Hammond, Suspiciously Neat House...

[Richard laughs]

Jeremy: ...Dog Lane, The Cotswolds!"

Richard: Thank you!

[How reliable is your car]

James: Hang on, I've just noticed something here. Of the bottom 13 cars, 10 of them are French.

Jeremy: Yea, that's probably why they're burning so many in Paris.

[When asking the audience]

Jeremy: What? A satisfied Mercedes customer? In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, we ought to have him stuffed.

November 20th, 2005 [7.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:Tonight: the best toys in the whole world; a car made on Memory Lane; and Audi's new RS4 races a thin man up a thick cliff.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish delight... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[following the Porsche Cayman power lap; the car has been disparaged by Jeremy for being made merely to fill a gap between the 911 and Boxster rather than to be as good as possible, and because their Producer has bought one as an "investment"]

Jeremy: And he did it in 1:26.7, so it goes...

[struggling to make a space on the board]

Jeremy: ...there. In front of a Corvette.

James: Interesting that you've made a space actually, because I reckon if you sent Porsche 911 and a Boxster around as well, the 911 would've gone about there [points randomly above the Cayman's time], and the Boxster - I dunno - about there [points about the same distance below the Cayman's time].

Jeremy: Yep, you're exactly right, and I'm just looking at this [points to the Cayman's time], 1:26, that's what it's worth.

[on the Porsche Cayman]

Jeremy: It's called the Cayman and I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "that's not a new car, it's just a Boxster with a roof." You have got a point, it's got the same controls as the Boxster. They should've called it the Coxster!

[racing two speed climbers in an Audi RS4]

Jeremy: I will not be beaten by two adrenaline junkies who call everyone "dude."

Richard: [Into radio whilst sitting in a full-size remote control car as James crashes it] You are utterly useless!

James: [as a passenger in a life-size radio-controlled car, which Richard is attempting to park in an improvised carport garage lined with cheap porcelain trinkets] He's doing it good. Well done.

[the car advances]

James: [into radio] Brake, man! Brake! [the car smashes ornaments on shelves over the bonnet]

Richard: Sorry.

[Richard takes down the whole garage as he reverses out]

James: NO!

Richard: Sorry.

Richard: [Voiceover whilst controlling a life-size remote control car towing a caravan about to be hit by the "Wrecking Ball of Doom"] For once, I was hoping the caravan would survive.

[Demonstrating the new Vauxhall Astra VXR remote control car]

Jeremy: OK, it's over there, it's a Vauxhall VXR [car starts to approach them] Here it comes. And if you just watch carefully, you will note that it has now taken off. [car starts to float] It's flying!

James: It's floating!

Jeremy: No it's not floating, James. It's flying!

[Audience laughs]

Jeremy: There is a man controlling that! I mean, have you ever seen anything like this in your whole life? That is a ton of Vauxhall flying around the studio over people's heads. I will explain how it works, OK? It weighs about 10lbs, which is about the same as my Sunday joint and it has three little propellers that make it steer and move about.

Richard: That's amazing! Is it expensive?

Jeremy: Yes! It costs... five... pounds [Audience laughs] No, I'm joking, it costs £60,000.

Richard: Really?

Jeremy: £60,000 and worth every penny. Ladies and gentlemen, the flying Vauxhall. [audience applauds]

November 27th, 2005 [7.3]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: the chav-tastic new Ford Focus. The Transport Minister is in our Reasonably-Priced Car. And Richard Hammond and I have a fight.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: I have an announcement to make. Top Gear, this... pokey motor show on BBC2, this week won—I've got it here—in New York, an Emmy! We've won an Emmy! Check it out!"

Richard: Wow! Can I touch it?

Jeremy: What this is for, okay, is for the best non-scripted entertainment show that wasn't made in America. That's us!

Richard: Why didn't you go and pick up the award from the ceremony?

Jeremy: Well, because I was writing the script for this week's show.

Richard: Thing is though, when the Office, you remember that sitcom series?... won some Golden... Globes recently, the whole of the BBC ground to a halt while everyone said congratulations and... they were showered with, like, gifts, and gold and diamonds...

Jeremy: It's true, the director general of the BBC spent a whole week rubbing warm pig fat into the back of Ricky Gervais.

Richard: So, how many chocolate covered lap dancers do you think were sent to us?

Jeremy: [to the audience] How many do you reckon? Not a damn thing!

Richard: Nothing!

Jeremy: And if you think that's outrageous, then please write to us, as of Monday, to Top Gear, Channel 4 television...

James: [on a Mercedes styled to look like a fish] It's been out on an industrial state in Surrey, where's it's done ten miles an hour!

[Richard and James observe as Jeremy yet again stops to refuel his notoriously thirsty car at a service station in southern France]

Richard: How can he need more?

James: Have you noticed how his right bicep is now slightly bigger than his left one?

[Richard laughs]

James: ...have you also noticed that when he fills his car up, he stands like a teapot?

[Richard laughs harder and the camera reveals this to be true - Jeremy has his unoccupied hand on his hip, and his legs crossed]

[Jeremy wanders over]

Jeremy: James, I've run out of money.

James: Have you... what an interesting predicament.

Jeremy: [quietly] Please can I borrow some money.

Richard: I'm not— we're not bailing you out!

James: You want me to pay for your petrol?

Jeremy: Yes!

James: Right, the nation is observing...

Jeremy: [wandering off] I haven't got any money...

James: ...while I fund your ridiculous petrol habit.

Richard: [on multiple occasions] I have not had my teeth whitened!

Richard: [driving his Zonda in Paris] Don't scratch it!

Richard: [driving his Zonda in Paris, responding to horns blowing behind him] I know it's a supercar! It doesn't have vertical take-off!

Richard: [on Jeremy's Ford GT and its literally useless luggage compartment] The boot is there... purely to accommodate the boot lid!

James: Interestingly I think the Zonda is the sort of car for people who worry too much about their teeth.

[driving his Ferrari - surprisingly quickly - in southern France]

James: Here comes Captain Slow!

Jeremy: No American who designed that chassis [pointing to his Ford GT] is even half-aware that a road like this exists. If you brought an American here he would die of shock!

Jeremy: And the Ford? Well, it's the prettiest, it's the fastest, and it has the best fuel economy! Oh, no, wait, that's not right, is it?

Jeremy: You can't rationalise cars like this. They're not something you buy with your head, you buy them with your heart, because you love them, and who could explain love? [...] That's ok, that we can't agree, because if you remember, we didn't come all the way through France to find the best supercar. We came here for that.
This is the Millau Bridge. At a thousand feet, it's the tallest bridge in the world. It's so tall you could put Canary Wharf underneath the roadway. It's clever too, because it rises and falls by as much as ten feet, depending on the temperature and the season. It is a magnificent achievement.
So what does it have to do with our big, heavy, thirsty, expensive cars?
That is a supercar in the same way that that is a superbridge. They could've built it lower down with some RSJs and some planks of wood, but they didn't. They built something amazing, something astonishing, something wonderful, they went berserk.
This bridge, then, like the cars that brought us here, is an example of humans doing what humans do: pushing boundaries, pushing ourselves, taking something that can't be done – and then doing it.

[reading the French President's remarks on the Millau Bridge]

Jeremy: "A modern France, an enterprising, successful France, a France which invests in the future..." - He forgot to mention the fact, that the architect was British!

[On the Ford Focus ST]

Jeremy: ROOOOO-NEEEEY!! (shouted out of the window of a bright orange Ford Focus ST, highlighting the typical chav nature of the driver he sees the car as being targeted at)

Jeremy: [On the power lap] It is very foggy out there today, but you'll note the Stig doesn't have his rear fog lights on, 'cause of course he's not a blithering idiot.

Jeremy: We're having a bit of a break from the norm tonight because we're going to put a Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car. He is the Minister for Transport, which means he is the Minister for Speed Cameras. No, no, no, no, no! This is the BBC, we will treat him with respect and impartiality! So, please welcome Beelzebub himself, Dr. Stephen Ladyman!

Stephen: [On the speed Camera] We paint them yellow, we put them where you can see them, and we put a big sign to tell you where they are coming. And we even printed a list on the internet. If you still got caught, whose fault is that?

Jeremy: You are the one with 9 points, and I haven't got any...

December 4th, 2005 [7.4]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Which is faster, a Renault or a bicycle? Ellen MacArthur sets sail round our track; And how much supercar do you get for 10,000 pounds?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire, he'd burn for a thousand days... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[On Richard's "Fake" Ferrari (a Dino 308)]

Jeremy: There's no point going "I've bought my shirt at 'George' " [the ASDA-Walmart in-house clothing brand]; it's from ASDA! You've bought a 'George' car!

[Seeing James arriving on the scene with an AA truck, complete with the Lamborghini Urraco strapped to the truck's bed]

Jeremy: James had bought an AA truck! [Jeremy and Richard began to dissolve into laughter, as James hops off from the truck] James, we told you to buy a mid-engined, Italian supercar, not a truck.

[Beginning the challenge]

Richard: Your Seventies supercar mission for today is to drive from Bristol to "Spearmint Rhino", in Slough.

Jeremy: That's a lap-dancing club.

Richard: [apparently puzzled] Is it?

Jeremy: [mocks his attempt to appear innocent] Oh, you don't know...?!

James: [to a pedestrian] Eh? No it's not a kit car, it's a Lamborghini... Philistine!

[During the parking challenge in Marlborough]

Jeremy: [voiceover] Then it was James' turn and because his Lambo was very long and very hard to see out of, we waited for him to go and fetch it, and then...helped him out a little bit.

[Richard sees Jeremy moving one of the cars, so the parking space is significantly shorter]

Richard: You evil man! That's brilliant! That's genius!

[on his Lamborghini's chronic electrical problems]

James: The Italians invented electricity, as we all know.

[asked if his Lambo' had broken down]

James: No, I just had to stop and fill it up with electricity.

[on his Lambo]

James: Right, the battery is discharging, the oil temperature is very high, the oil pressure is very low, the engine temperature is off the end of the scale, I'm running out of petrol... but the clock is correct!

[after Richard's Dino has been tested against its original output on a rolling road]

Jeremy: Sixty-one Horsepower has escaped; that's how many a year?

James: Think of it another way, that's a... that's a VW Lupo that has escaped from your engine!

[In Lisbon, about the full-face helmeted downhill biker he was about to race in a Renault Clio]

James: Now all that was left was to psyche out [Darth Vader].

James: It does still look a bit like the inside of Jacques Cousteau's wetsuit in here.

[After losing a race to a downhill biker in Lisbon]

James: Permission to say "Oh, cock" on BBC Two.

[Back in the studio after the first part of the Cheap Car Challenge...]

Jeremy: We're going to be picking that up later on, but for now, it's time to update our "ITALIAN MID-ENGINED SUPERCARS FOR LESS THAN A SECOND-HAND MONDEO CHALLENGE"...

Richard: ...chart!

[on the Italian supercar challenge]

Jeremy: [...] Now, next one is the big one, okay - insurance. That's the main problem with cars of this type, okay? We had to go out and get a quote to see how low we could go, and mine was, for the Maserati, 300 pounds.

Richard: A year?

Jeremy: Yeah.

Richard: For a Maserati?

Jeremy: Yeah.

Richard: Don't be ridiculous!

Jeremy: No, you see, the reason is pretty simple: unlike you, I'm a respectable middle-aged man, unlike you, I don't have any points on my license, and it's kept in an alarmed, locked garage in one of the safest parts of the country.

James: Yeah, but hang on a minute though, because you are, what, a journalist and a broadcaster, and I happen to know that those are 2 of the highest rated insurance risks on the book.

Jeremy: Yep, you're exactly right, which is why I told them I was a doctor! [referring to his honorary doctorate in engineering]

[Jeremy has won two points for making his insurance quote two-hundred under the £500 bench-mark.]

Jeremy: Two points - for being a doctor!

Richard: I said "I'm an after-dinner speaker." [cue mocking by Jeremy & James]

Jeremy: You see...

Richard: I've done two.

James: [scoffs] Two hundred.

Jeremy: Anyway, what was your quote?

Richard: Well for a big corporate bank, 5 grand. I suppose, for a charity, I'll do it for 3 and a half...

Jeremy: No, what was your insurance quote?

Richard: Oh! Grand.. 1000 pounds.

Jeremy: That really includes, presumably, the 800 quid to cover your new expensive teeth.

Richard: I have not... had... my teeth whi— I just haven't!

Richard: So... I actually lose... er, that's minus five... that's bad.

Jeremy: Ooh... Lose...! Englebert's going down, with his new teeth!

James: Now I was honest, and I said - "I'm a journalist, AND a broadcaster..."

Jeremy: And I bet you told them you live in London as well?

James: Yes, that's right - y'know, Single, car parked on the street, live in an area of London that's usually on fire...

Jeremy: So your quote was...

James: [dramatic pause for breath] Five thousand pounds! [for which he loses a massive 45 points]

[general laughter and an almost sympathetic bout of one-upmanship by Jeremy recounting a previous quote for £22000 on an Escort Cosworth worth "only" £19000]

[Jeremy driving a timed lap at Castle Coombe Race Circuit in his Maserati Merak]

Jeremy: 4,000 RPM! And that's all the rebuilt engine has to give!

Richard: That car is...

Jeremy:Why won't you rev?!

Richard: ...an appalling heap of junk.

[After they declared no one won the challenge]

Jeremy: But no matter, we did end up with a "Top Gear Top Tip", okay? Yes, you can buy a supercar for less than ten thousand pounds, but for the love of God, don't!!

December 11th, 2005 [7.5]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: We drive the new Bugatti in Italy; we drive the new Bugatti in Switzerland and France; and we drive the new Bugatti in London.

[After Hammond's review of the Marcos TSO]

Jeremy: [opening the door of the Marcos TSO] What's this?

Richard: Erm...

Jeremy: [showing what he found] It's a tooth-whitening kit.

Richard: It's a plant! It's a plant!

Jeremy: It was just a theory until a moment ago...

[on the Stig]

Richard: Some say he can swim seven lengths under water, and he has webbed buttocks... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Richard: Now, I'm dying to know the verdict, but first, something more important... your hat! What were you thinking?! You were like the dog car in Dumb and Dumber [makes a face referring to the hat James was wearing in the 2WD Vs. AWD 911 challenge]

James: [leans toward Hammond] Listen! That hat is haute couture in rallying circles.

[On the News]

Jeremy: A cow does more global warming than a Range Rover.

[Introducing Nigel Mansell]

Jeremy: He was the Formula 1 world champion and the American Indy car champion at the same time, and he was also Britain's highest paid sportsman, and he achieved all this despite being born with a moustache.

[on Nigel Mansell's moustache]

Jeremy: I always thought it was interchangeable with your eyebrows.

[Starting off the car vs. plane race]

James: Now normally when we have these races Jeremy goes in a car and says "POWEEEEEEER" a lot, and Richard and I will go on a ferry, or a train, or an airliner, or whatever. But this time it's slightly different because I've been learning to fly.

Jeremy: So you see, the scene was set, okay? It would be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage in a private plane versus me in a car.

[in May's Cessna 182.]

Richard: We've got no bloody forks!

James: Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man! And don't jig about because we're climbing... We're struggling a little bit...

Richard: I am not jigging! How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without it crashing into a mountain?

[on May's Cessna 182.]

Jeremy: What's it called?

Richard: [to Jeremy on the phone] Cessna 182; I think "182" refers to the number of quid it cost, I suspect.

Jeremy: Captain Slow is up there in his washing machine. I will not be beaten by a washing machine.

Jeremy: That isn't so much a throttle that my right foot's on, it's a hyperspace button. World's going backwards!

[on the phone with an insurance company]

Jeremy: Hello, are you the people who can "quote me happy" ?

[after the above attempt failed]

Jeremy: I've spent half an hour talking to a man, telling him where you were born, how many children you've got, where you live, what your postcode is, and then he says "Is a Bugatti a Rover?". Well, they've quoted me miserable there.

[on the Veyron]

Jeremy: Even though there are these huge cooling ducts here and the engine has no cover at all, that thing has ten radiators. Three to cool the engine itself, three for the intercoolers, one to do the axle oil, one to do the engine oil and one to cool the hydraulic fluid used to raise that rear spoiler. It's got more radiators than my house!

James: YOU UNBEARABLE MAN, I CAN'T STAND IT!!! [after arriving at the destination for the Veyron vs. Plane race to find Jeremy had already arrived about a minute earlier]

December 27th, 2005 [7.6]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Can a Mazda go faster than a dog? Can a frog go faster than a Peugeot? And can I go faster than... myself?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Richard: A dog oversteers, which is more fun...

Jeremy: ...than an understeering hyena.

Richard: So, you want a Mazda MX-5 because it's rear wheel drive.

Jeremy: OK, now it's time to do the ugliest car of the year and the nominations are: the Ssangyong Kyron...

Richard: Uugghh...

Jeremy: ...the Ssangyong Rodius...

[shouts of disgust from the audience]

Jeremy: ...and look at this one, the Ssangyong Musso!

[more shouts from the audience]

Jeremy: That thing really is a Moose, isn't it? So which one has won it? It's the BMW 3 Series!

[On "best noise of the year"]

James: That is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle.

Jeremy: "If it's not a democracy, it's a dictatorship. And I'm dictating that the Aston Martin V8 Vantage is the winner!" (the 2005 TG Awards)

Jeremy: The next award is for the Gas Guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: The Range Rover sport, which achieved eight miles to the gallon. The Bugatti Veyron, which achieved four miles to the gallon. And Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel, didn't move an inch!

[while playing Gran Turismo 4]

Jeremy: I am going to pick a track, we'll go for a real one... Laguna Seca and now we have to pick a car. TVR Tuscan, nope too much of a handful. Aston Martin DB9. That's not a racing car, that's just pornography.

May 7th, 2006 [8.1]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: I drive the scariest car in the world. James drives the least scary car in the world. And we all drive a car with a monkey on the roof.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[Talking about their new dog, Top Gear Dog (TGD), being a Labradoodle (Labrador-Poodle cross)]

Jeremy: Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her "Prius", but that would have been cruel... and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting.

Jeremy: [Discussing the bright pink convertible Nissan Micra] It just looks like a scrotum!

Jeremy: [About his Ford GT] The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywhere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at "Actually, I've Got a Peugeot" BBC Top Gear, London W12...

[Discussing 20p organic crisps]

Jeremy: You see the thing is this, if you buy those crisps, the 20p goes to the Mexican sewage industry but if you buy petrol, the money goes to the government who spend it letting out foreign prisoners so they can stab people.

[Laughter, Hammond with his head in his hands, large applause]

[on quitting his smoking habit]

Jeremy: In recent weeks, a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

[cuts to him criticizing a tree in the woods]

Jeremy: It's just completely the wrong colour. [seeing a twig on the ground] Look, a twig, why, why's it there? [picks up the twig] Look at it! [prepares to throw the twig but it snaps under pressure]

[thundering down the road in the Koenigsegg CCX]

Jeremy: Who needs nicotine?!

Jeremy: [Commenting on the Koenigsegg CCX] I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: "Oh no, my head has just exploded!"

Jeremy: Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

[About the Koenigsegg CCX]

Jeremy: Oh. And I'll give you a little tip: If you tune this engine to run on environmentally-friendly biofuel, you'll be getting nine hundred brake horsepower. [laughs] Should I get Bill Oddie one of these?

Jeremy: This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases. [Drives past a sign welcoming him to "Piddington"] That says it all, really. "I drive a people carrier... I'm a bit of a Piddington"

Richard: [to Clarkson] You've done this before, anyway.

Jeremy: Yes I have. It didn't go well.

Richard: How "not well"?

Jeremy: Well, I took the roof off and then the whole car split in half.

Richard: Y'see, that's very "not well" indeed.

[heading to Woburn Abbey Safari Park in the convertible Renault Espace]

Richard: [to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?

James: The lion.

Both: What?

James: No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.

Jeremy: I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.

[At the safari park in their convertible people carrier, watching two lions mate]

Richard: [Voiceover] Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.

Jeremy: Oh, look what's going on.

James: Oh no, he's...

Richard: Oh, that's... lion porn!

Jeremy: What are you doing, man?

Richard: What if he tries to do that to us?

[on driving the home-made convertible through the monkey enclosure]

Jeremy: ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]

James: Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!

[Whilst in the carwash in the Espace convertible]

Jeremy: I'm dry still.

[a moment later]

Jeremy: I'M WET NOW!!

[The three take their convertible people carrier through a car wash]

Jeremy: Uh... it's on fire.

Richard: What?! It can't be on fire! [He looks] It's on fire.

Jeremy: It's on fire. Just run. Just run.

[The three run off... and after the film]

Jeremy: The thing is, we managed to set fire to something that's basically made of water!

Richard: How did you do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards?

Jeremy: He was...

Richard: Cross. Very cross.

James: He was especially cross when I rang him up and asked if we could have our three pounds fifty back.

James: [about the Honda Civic's poor sound insulation] I mean, I like an engine note as much as the next person, but I'd like it to be a fizzy V6 hand-crafted in Italy. This... [revving the engine] that's a rather dreary 4-pot from rainy Swindon.

Jeremy: You need to be able to drive the car over a sleeping policeman... That wouldn't drive over Richard Hammond's girlfriend.

May 14th, 2006 [8.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: I'm ruining the tranquillity of the Yorkshire Dales. Richard ruins Iceland. And we all ruin a local radio show.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[in the news section]

James: Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.

Richard: That might be useful if you are a bit thick

James: [...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.

[after Richard loses the car vs. jet-powered kayak challenge]

Jeremy: Very important message there...somewhere. Anyway, it's time to move on...

[on the way to hosting the radio programme, Jeremy and James had taken to bad-mouthing Richard's Cadillac BLS]

Richard: Just stop talking now.

[a brief silence...]

James: I don't like the clock.

Richard: Save it!

[during the news]

James: To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover.

Richard: Eh?

James: You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.

Jeremy: The rock and roll years, with James May!

Jeremy: [Before the Stig's Liana lap] This week we've been literally inundated with a letter...

[near the end of the news]

James: Now, look at this. A bloke stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one of the fastest cars in the world. We have to agree it's on the top of our board, but it was fitted with one of those tracker devices, so the police could trace it. They caught him after 40 minutes, d'you know how far he'd gone in that time?

[Jeremy and Richard shrug shoulders]

James: 12 miles!

[Laughter]

Richard: What was he doing?

Jeremy: That's the least ambitious thief in the world.

James: That's an average speed of 18 miles per hour.

Richard: Why did he nick it?

James: I dunno, but I would like to appeal to him, if he's been let out by the home secretary, which he almost certainly has been... [Laughter and applause] ...if you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 miles per hour, could you nick my Honda 90?

[on the new Jaguar XK, and why its front lifts above 130 mph]

Jeremy: Golf. In the boot, golfists want enough room to put their bats...

Jeremy: [About a BMW 650 convertible] This doesn't have an engine. What it has instead is a nuclear bomb under the bonnet.

May 21st, 2006 [8.3]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: I get a hot head..."Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire..."; Richard gets another Top Gear dog "Help!"; And James has some trouble with wind.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[Trying to discover what sort of car Richard has bought during the Amphibious Car Challenge]

Jeremy: Hamster! How it's going?

Richard: Very well, thank you, very well indeed!

Jeremy: What are you doing? What've you got?

Richard: Err, it's, it's pretty... I don't wanna tell you, really, but it's pretty... sleek, um, as a road-going vehicle; as a boat I think it's gonna be a winner.

Jeremy: I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it?

Richard: Well, it's a monocoque [screws up face]. Um, so it, it has sort of sporting... pretensions.

Jeremy: And what're you going in terms of propulsion?

Richard: Uh, well, now, the, the, the, the... lot of power. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fully utilise the onboard power.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest.

James: Hello?

Jeremy: May.

James: Clarkson.

Jeremy: Have you heard the Hamster?

James: Well, yeah, I did, but I can't get much out of him. He's now saying his car is rear-engined, but not a 911. I think he's bought an Hillman Imp and he's making a submarine.

[practicing his negligble sailing skills in a small boat]

James: There's a boat there called the "Hey Presto"! Hang on, there's a boat right here called "Puffin" - Hello Puffin! [crashes heavily into "Puffin"]

[after being drenched in the motor wash from Jeremy's borrowed powerboat]

James: You utter pirate!

[Jeremy has just shown Richard the buoyancy aids he has added to his Toybota.'

Jeremy: So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan...will float?

Richard: Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?

Jeremy: [Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.

James: [Struggling onto the Motorway in his Triumph Herald] And we're in Top Gear... 35mph..!

Richard: Meanwhile, my lack of power was becoming an issue.

[The campervan makes rusty noises]

Jeremy: [My road boat].

Richard: Help! I'm trying to get up the hill. Haha!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, back at the convoy...

[Richard's campervan suddenly stalls at a road junction]

Richard: No!! Not now...

[Richard tries to start the campervan, just as Jeremy starts to pull away in his Hilux]

Richard: Wait! I've died, I've died!

Jeremy: Goodbye!

Jeremy: [voiceover] ...and so in the spirit of Top Gear comradeship... we left James behind.

Jeremy: It's the coldest March for twenty years, because of global warming.

[Richard's van is sinking and James' car is stuck in weeds]

Richard: Did you want tea or coffee?

James: Tea, please mate.

Jeremy: I've got a spare outboard.

Richard: You are joking.

Jeremy: I have. How much will you give me?

Richard: A million pounds!

Jeremy: A million?

Richard: And a leg, take your pick! Either leg! [Jeremy hands him the tiny 4.5hp motor he was originally recommended] Oh, yes! Now what do I do?

Jeremy: Hammond, how much?

Richard: For what?

Jeremy: A lift.

Richard: I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket.

Richard: Jeremy?

Jeremy: Yes?

Richard: I've come up with a problem.

[realising Richard's bucket is actually a plant pot with holes in it]

Jeremy: You have... you owe me a million pounds!

James: Avast, land lubbers!

Jeremy: Rise Toybota!

James: [to Richard and Jeremy at the end of the challenge] Chaps...one observation I might have. Sailing: REALLY boring!

[after the amphibious car challenge]

Jeremy: It's a fair victory. It's not like I'm a sore loser or anything... it's just that, for going home tonight, James won't be using the Herald [points to the Triumph Herald] because the clutch has gone. Richard won't be using that [points to the "Dampervan"] because it was ruined in the accident. Whereas, because I bought a Hilux [points at Toybota] - and, as we know, from here [indicates the Hilux] - they are indestructible, I shall be driving this home! So, um...

Richard: Yes, alright.

Jeremy: Yes, thank you all very much for watching. It's been a...[Clarkson gets in and tries to start it, but fails, to much ridicule from Hammond and May]

Richard: Oh ha ha ha! You have broken the 'indestructible'... ha ha ha. It's not working.

[Richard and James listen to the engine]

Both: No it isn't.

Jeremy: ...And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show. Thanks very much for watching. [Jeremy "facepalms" on the steering wheel out of embarrassment] Goodnight!

[during the news]

Richard: My daughter is five years old, she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.

Jeremy: Oh, do you live in a yoghurt commercial?

Jeremy: Look, anyone who washes their car has a small mind, or is in an unhappy marriage!

[during the news]

James: [Talking about digital displays on the sides of roads] Those displays aren't always true, like the microwave in my mate's kitchen. It says "Enjoy your meal" when you get something out. But I won't if it's my pants...

[The other two start ridiculing him for supposedly having no pants on in his mate's kitchen]

[during the news]

James: The only thing I keep in my car is a little paintbrush for cleaning dust out of the switches.

Richard: You're scaring me, mate...

James: And I always like to have the air vents lined up so they're really completely symmetrical.

Richard: Stop talking now!

James: And if anybody moves them... I get really angry.

Richard: (to Jeremy) Does genuinely scare me.

[during the news, while talking about Top Gear Dog's new "doggles"]

James: Those aren't doggles, they're goggles with the G crossed out and replaced with a D.

[still during the news]

Jeremy: Now, we get loads of...er, letters on this show, very angry ones from people who say we don't do enough, em, affordable cars, you know, family cars. One particularly angry caller last week rang the BBC duty log saying we were a disgrace, well, Mr. Needham, check this out...[a picture of the Vauxhall Corsa appears on the TV screen] That is the new Vauxhall Corsa! [3 seconds later] And, er, moving on now...[audience dissolves into laughter]

[During the Cool Wall, talking about the Koenigsegg CCX.]

Jeremy: If you go though the Pearly Gates, backwards, in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!

Richard: I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! "Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?"

Jeremy: (about a Ford Mustang going head-to-head against a Lotus Exige S) "It's got a 4.6 litre 300bhp V8 at the front, rear-wheel drive at the back, and a Stig in the middle."

Jeremy: (about the Exige S, a few seconds later) "And he's lined up alongside a plastic car that was made by some Norfolk turnip farmers, which is being driven by a fat bloke with a dicky hip."

Jeremy: (the start of the Exige S Power Lap) "Slingshot acceleration, thanks to those semi-slick tires and the fact that this doesn't weigh anything..."

May 28th, 2006 [8.4]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: I investigate some new in-car dogging technology. Richard races a man dressed as a squirrel. And with a wing and a prayer, the Koenigsegg is back on our track.

[on the Stig]

Richard: Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[At the start of the road test of a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]

Richard: Welcome to Greenpeace Hell.

[hearing a bang as he drives a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]

Richard: Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive.

[to the guest French fashion designer, who complained about his eating habits]

Jeremy: What's the matter with chips with vinegar on them?

Jeremy: I'm gonna have to explain all this to my nine-year-old boy. [makes a face] Who's ten, I've just remembered!

Jeremy: [to the Mercedes S-Class onboard computer] Station: Radio 2. [It retunes to Radio 2] And it goes to Radio 2. Or, Station: absolute rubbish. [It retunes to Radio 1] Look! Radio 1! It knows! How brilliant's that?

[on the approach the BMW M Division took when developing the Z4M]

Richard: So on this car, they've thrown out the fancy electronic power steering for a more old-fashioned system that they prefer. They've also got rid of those ridiculous run-flat tyres, and they've not messed about with any fancy gearboxes either. They've fitted it with a proper old-fashioned manual.

Richard: [voiceover] That is a set of confident decisions. So naturally, you'd be forgiven for approaching any corner with a similar amount of confidence.

[The Z4M nearly runs off the edge of the track in a corner]

Richard: [countersteering furiously] Whoa! Whoa! Understeer - ! [recovering control] ... Bloody hell! I was not expecting that.

Richard: [holding a red Dorset Naga chili pepper] This... is the BMW Z4. [tastes pepper gingerly with the tip of his tongue] GAH!

Richard: [on the Z4M, still in pain after tasting a red naga chili] It absolutely steals your heart, which is why it's the one I'd drive home. If I could see...

Richard: [Driving the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S] So, we've devised another Richard Hammond real world test...

[scene continues to car vs skydiver stunt]

[regarding photos of the (rather extensive) damage to a Porsche Cayenne and the production vehicle Richard crashed it into]

Richard: Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.

Jeremy: You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!

Richard: Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.

Jeremy: Mmm?

Richard: It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.

[testing Jeremy's redecorated Mercedes, with its concrete floor]

Richard: Sixty miles an hour!

James: [tripping stopwatch] Thirty-five point four seconds!

[Richard's seat has fallen over while negotiating the Hammerhead]

James: Regain control of the cottage!

[at the end of the "cottage" lap]

Richard: D'you know what? This is rubbish.

James: Terrible.

[Jeremy disputes this finding]

Jeremy: This is the safest car ever made.

Richard: I've got a scar!

James: Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.

[...]

Jeremy: The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.

Richard: You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!

James: Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.

Jeremy: How safe's that?!

Richard: Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?

James: Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?

[...]

Jeremy: Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!

[on the re-engineered Koeniggsegg CCX, with altered suspension and an added rear spoiler, and keeping in with the modified S-Class theme]

Jeremy: We're no longer just reviewing cars on Top Gear - we're designing them!

[Discussing the cottage design of the Mercedes S Class to the French designer]

Jeremy: We'll try it my way... and then we'll finish it. [walks away quickly]

June 4th, 2006 [8.5]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Stewart teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've drank it already.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James: OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -

Jeremy and Richard: Legacy.

James: Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]

Jeremy: That's "heightist" frankly.

Richard: Yeah, that's "heightist."

James: I can't think of a better recommendation actually.

Jeremy: What?

Richard: Us not being able to do it?

James: Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.

Richard: And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television, a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us saying that she could get any one of us, to any race track in the country, in any car, get us to set our best time, and then she could get us to knock twenty seconds off that time.

Jeremy: He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.

Richard: Right-o.

Jeremy: Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]

[while driving with Jackie Stewart]

James: This is probably what will happen to me in hell: A TVR, a racetrack and a pedantic Scotsman.

[on the TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible]

James: In the old days of TVR you would have thought "that's a ticket to a festival of plastic death", but actually I thought it was good. I thought it handled really well.

Jeremy: When our guest tonight first came here he was so spectacular, we named a corner in his honour. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, SIR MICHAEL FOLLOW-THROUGH!

[to Michael Gambon]

Jeremy: Last time you were here, in the Liana: 1.55. You did it, in the Lacetti, in one minute... [Jeremy starts writing the time down but stops, holding the pen up] Due to the unique way the BBC is funded, the pen doesn't work!

[on the dashboard of the Volkswagen Fox]

Richard: It must take more work to make something look, this boring! And the plastic [taps dashboard], well you know that stuff holds your chocolates in place in a box of Milk Tray? [gestures to dashboard] Yeah.

[on the 2006 Monaco GP]

Jeremy: That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.

Richard: Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?

Jeremy: Yes!

Richard: And who's going to give them these points?

Jeremy: Me!

[...]

Jeremy: I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?

Richard: Well, yes, I do.

Jeremy: Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."

Richard: What, starting fights?

Jeremy: [Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."

[...]

Jeremy: Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.

[on the Prodrive P2, after being made car-sick by its incredible cornering grip]

Jeremy: It can blow your mind... but also empty your stomach.

[during the news, talking about the Audi RS4 convertible]

Jeremy: Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?

James: Yes.

Richard: Because she's got big hands?

James: I don't like girls with big hands.

Jeremy: Why don't you like girls with big hands?

James: Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]

Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the old Citroën CX, and it was mad in every way.

Jeremy: [voiceover, on the Citroën CX] Trying to drive this car through a town was like trying to wire a plug while wearing boxing gloves. It was always going to end in tears.

Jeremy: [on the Citroën C6] But I want it to feel completely different to any other car. I want to start it by licking a little panel here on the steering wheel. I want the gear lever to be made of rhubarb and to stick out of the sun visor. I want to feel like I'm in a Salvador Dalí painting and it's all melting. [...] Is this an indicator? Yes it is. It shouldn't be! That should be the boot release. The indicator should be, I don't know, [opens center console] in here somewhere. It's all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong. [voiceover] As a car, it's conventional too. It's front-wheel-drive rather than side-wheel-drive, and prices start at 29 and a half thousand pounds, rather than 29 and a half thousand zarps.

Richard: I don't know if I've mentioned this but the parcel shelf in this, is made out of pineapples. Don't know if that'll help.

[After receiving a text, ostensibly a reply from Kristin Scott Thomas]

Jeremy: It says, "You know about the restraining order, that includes texts. I've called the poo lice!" [He looks nervous]

July 16th, 2006 [8.6]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight: we drive a Formula One car... indoors; Hannibal Lector is in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and we go on a caravan holiday!

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: [On the Mazda 6 MPS] And you don't have to worry about all the oomph making the chassis go 'blblblbl' and fall to pieces because it's got four wheel drive.

James: [on film clip] It's not wide enough!

[During the news, James suggests the Daihatsu Copen]

Richard: You would look such a spanner in that!

James: No I wouldn't!

Richard: Yes you would, because you'd be sticking up above up with your big floppy hair like a spaniel. Never, ever, ever, ever buy a car which you are taller than, when you’re sitting in it, than it is long. You'll look like Noddy with bad hair!

Jeremy: Okay, remind me. Who were the last 4 teams in the World Cup? All European. Women's finalists at Wimbledon; both European. Men's finalists; both European. Everything anyone ever does in any walk of life is done better by Europeans and it's the same with cars.

Jeremy: Jesus is here!

James: Now, look at this, there's a study out here, it says people with those speed camera detectors are 600% less likely to get a speeding ticket than the rest of us. In other news, it's been revealed that people with metal detectors are 600% less likely to step on land mines.

James: [On driving a bus] Yeah, it's easier [than sitting here] actually. 'Cause you're not being filmed. So you can have a joint. No! Sorry.

Jeremy: Chaps.

James: Yes?

Jeremy: There's a list of essential accessories.

James: Ok, let's see if we've got them.

Jeremy: Step?

Richard: No.

Jeremy: Water container?

Richard: No.

Jeremy: Mains hook up lead?

Richard: No.

Jeremy: Leisure battery?

Richard: No.

Jeremy: Gas cylinders?

Richard: No.

Jeremy: Towing mirrors?

All: YES!

Jeremy: We could be gypsies.

Jeremy: James, the car is weaving about.

Richard: It's not—this is not natural.

James: Really alarming!

Richard: [voiceover] So, we consulted the caravan handbook.

Jeremy: [quoting the handbook] "When a swaying caravan starts to dictate the direction of travel, you have a snake."

Richard: No, you have a crash!

Jeremy: Exactly! [quoting] "Try to keep it in the straight ahead position, and allow the outfit to slow down gradually." [commenting] And that's not true! You put your foot down, don't you?

Richard: Power out of it. Always!

James: Yeah!

Jeremy: Power out!

Richard: Yes, if in doubt, give it more power.

Jeremy: [holding up the handbook] This is wrong!

Jeremy: [voiceover] So we weren't looking forward to our holiday and if I'm honest we weren't enjoying the journey that much either.

James: We've done fifty-two miles.

Richard: That's it?

James: Yeah.

Jeremy: We've been on the road for three and a quarter hours and you've done fifty-two miles? You had my hand up.

James: No, you put your hand next to the gear stick, I've got to change gear.

Jeremy: There's no way...

Richard: [interrupting] STOP FIGHTING IN THE FRONT! We've got a long way to go!

Jeremy: [voiceover] It was getting claustrophobic in the Kia, but because we were caravanning, we could do what caravanners do: pull over at the side of the road and have a spot of lunch. [cut to the trio eating lunch at the side of the motorway]

Jeremy: [sarcastically] Tell you what, this is peaceful!

Richard: [to Jeremy] Pork pie?

Jeremy: What?

Richard: PORK PIE!

James: Do you know what's behind us?

Jeremy: What?

James: Horse box.

Richard: What, we're holding up a horse box?

Jeremy: Ah, now that's payback. I like that. I'll write him a message. [He picks up the keypad for an LED messageboard bought at the service station] Serves... You... ["Serves you right!" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]

[riding in the tow car on a single-carriageway country road]

Richard: Oh, I've just seen the queue as we came off the roundabout! I can't live with the shame!

Jeremy: So far we'd learnt that if there are any joys to caravanning they certainly weren't to be had on the journey. All we'd done on the way to Dorset is crash into things, bicker, get cautioned by the police, cause a lot of jams, have a puncture, clear up some dog sick, have a noisy disgusting picnic at the side of the road and get stuck.

Jeremy:But after six hours we finally arrived at Caravancatraz.

Richard: Oh no, Jeremy it's worse... over there. That's not a sign you ever want to read on your holiday. [points to a sign that reads: "Toilet Chemical Disposal Only"]

[After Richard is "abducted" by an elderly fan in a neighbouring caravan]

James: What's Hammond doing with the dog?

Jeremy: The dog went in with him.

James: Really?

Jeremy: Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.

James: It is amazing upholstery, I went in there and I immediately wanted a curry.

Jeremy: [peeking in the caravan after they park up] Ohh... [seeing shattered dishes on the floor] Oh no.

Richard: Ooh!

James: Oh, dear.

Richard: [laughing] Oh, my word. Wha...

[the caravan tips back as they all enter]

All: Woah!

Jeremy: Oh my God!

James: You've got to put the legs down first.

Richard: We're not brilliant at this are we?

Richard: Ow!

Jeremy: Was that your finger?

Richard: [singsong voice] There's gonna be swearing!

Jeremy: Here it is!

Richard: Wow. Star Trek!

[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]

James: That's not a bed, is it?

Richard: [laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!

Jeremy: I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!

James: What a reward!

Richard: You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!

Jeremy: You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!

[Richard is exploring the caravan after they are finally parked up]

Richard: What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.

Jeremy: Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might— I thought—

Richard: That's an AK-47.

Jeremy: I know. I thought I might need it.

Richard: Why?

Jeremy: A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?

Richard: You're not a practical man, are you?

Jeremy: Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.

Richard: I like it.

James: I like it. It's nice... it's homey.

Richard: No, I'm alright with caravanning!

[A train is heard in the distance]

Jeremy: Oh good, a train!

Richard: Nice, that's nice.

Jeremy: Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?

James: I quite like it. It's romantic...

Richard: Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!

James: I'm gonna go off and I'm gonna find one of those ruddy-faced farmers and his organic, rosy-cheeked wife, and get some free-range eggs and... grass-fed bacon, and all that local produce.

Jeremy: How do I "Release The Excrements"?

Richard: Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!

[on taking a caravan holiday]

Jeremy: Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."

Jeremy: [complaining about the camp site] You aren't allowed to have a fire, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to play music, you have to be in bed by eleven, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you can't have anything. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

Jeremy: Why would anybody think this was a holiday? I mean at what point in the last eight hours have I done anything I'd call holidayish? Nothing! I've been in a car accident, I've watched James May destroy a camp-site, I've stabbed myself seven times...

Jeremy: She spent twelve thousand pounds on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket! I'm sorry, but when we come to power, caravanning is going to be banned, and that's it.

[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]

Jeremy: James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?

James: No.

Jeremy: Coconut milk?

James: No.

Jeremy: Green curry paste?

James: No.

Jeremy: Coriander leaves? Snake beans?

James: It had some potatoes.

Jeremy: Oh, well I'd do chips then.

[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]

Jeremy: Oh God. Uh, Richard!

Richard: What?

Jeremy: Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?

Richard: No. Why?

Jeremy: [outside] How do you put a pan fire out?

James: Tea towel in water.

Jeremy: [inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?

Richard: No, I used it all on my hair.

Jeremy: Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.

[towing away the torched wreck of their caravan]

Jeremy: All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?

Richard: ...I think "well."

[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]

Jeremy: Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?

Richard: No, absolutely not.

James: I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.

Richard: Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?

July 23rd, 2006 [8.7]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight: Is a Peugeot faster than two men? Has Lamborghini gone mad again? And can we build a whole car in 8 hours?

[During the news]

Richard: But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?

Jeremy: Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."

James: What you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.

Jeremy: Hey, now, talking of getting in touch, we have a number of people after last week's show got in touch to complain.

Richard: They did.

Jeremy: We had... well, I said something about a Muslim, OK? Two complaints. Remember Jesus came last week and, I talked to Him? Three complaints. We were slightly rude about caravans...

Richard: Yeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.

Jeremy: A hundred and fifty complaints. :[Crowd laughs]

Richard: Seriously.

Jeremy: A hundred and fifty and lots of people are now demanding an apology.

Richard: They are. So erm, we really are sorry. And we promise, that we will, all three of us, never ever go caravanning again.

Jeremy: No! No, no, no! I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans!

Richard: You're right, so am I! Yeah. That's true.

[About the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder Convertible]

Jeremy: There are faults. The steering wheel for instance, is covered in a bath mat. And if you push the seat all the way back, as I have to, it squeaks, against the firewall. Can you hear that? Does that the whole time you're driving along. And, you can never find the seat belt. I DON'T CARE!!!

Jeremy: You can try to drive it quietly if you want to, but it's impossible, because if you accidentally stray over 3500 rpm you just get this sort of... bark, of that. [Stepping on the gas] You hear that? Quiet... Bark! AAARRR!

[On the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James: Yes, it's the Mercedes B-class! Keen students of the alphabet will probably have worked out already that this is one up from the A-class.

[In the Caterham race]

James: Don't hit it with a hammer!

Jeremy: Why?

James: ...because that's the tool of a pikey!

Jeremy: [voiceover] The Stig was now on the M40 and had the hammer down. I, too, had put my hammer down, and picked up a spanner! And something was bound to go wrong.

James: [voiceover] Meanwhile, down in Oxford, the Stig was revealing something new about himself... he has a bladder!

Richard: How far from Scotland is Carlisle?

Jeremy: The nipple is off, the tube is in the hole... I will be needing some pump.

[realizing he installed the driver's seat backwards in the Caterham Challenge]

Jeremy: How did I do that?

[at the Caterham challenge]

Jeremy: I am going as the crow flies. I am a Stig.

Jeremy: [to the camera while James looks through the tool cabinet] All he's done, all morning.. he files. He takes stuff out and then puts it back and files it where it's supposed to be. James!

James: What?

Jeremy: Stop filing!

James: [losing patience] I'm looking for the sodding socket thing that you need to take that out. Do you know where it is? Do you know where it is?

Jeremy: No! No!

James: Do you know what it looks like?

Jeremy: Yes!

James: No, you don't!

[on building the Caterham]

Jeremy: [monotone] Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Boring. Boring. [Hammond attempts to eat the manual.] Dull. Tedious. Annoying. Back-ache. Arm-ache. [Hammond continues trying to destroy the manual] Cramp. Miserable. Hate. James. May.

James: You should feel it go stiff now.

Jeremy: Pump, man! Pump! Braking happening?

Richard: Oh, yeah, that's much better. That's hard.

James: How hard can it be to build a kit car?

Richard: Well, as it turns out: very! Because all you did all the way was shout at Jeremy.

Jeremy: And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head!

Jeremy: After we'd finished, the people at Caterham put a plaque on our car, can you see that? [We see a plaque reading "Built by Top Gear"] Which has rendered this car absolutely worthless.

Jeremy: Jiggle it.

Richard: I'm jiggling like a bugger.

[While racing the Peugeot 207 against the parkour boys]

James: I'm not going to be beaten by some pre-pubescent teenagers in camouflaged trousers.

[During the news]

Jeremy: I had a family outing this week, in my Ford GT! Took my son to the Fairford Air Show in Gloucestershire.

Richard: And?

Jeremy: It's still there. [laughter] Rev limiter decided that it didn't want to let the engine rev beyond six hundred rpm. Which isn't much.

July 30th, 2006 [8.8]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Noble's difficult third album comes to our track; the art of being a white van man; and the Suzuki Liana is back with some bloke called Jenson Button!

Richard: And, then, inside, it's the usual blend of dead animal and rainforest, but with a twist!

[Richard and James are talking about the Rolls-Royce 101EX's ceiling, which has lots of little lights on that look like stars]

Jeremy: [from across the studio] That is DISGUSTING!

Richard: Oh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!

[on the 101EX's "bling" features, like the aforementioned pinlight headliner, the glass Spirit of Ecstasy, and the carbon fiber body details]

Jeremy: This, if they ever put it into production, and if it has all this stuff on it, will have to be called the Rolls-Royce Vulgarsonic.

Jeremy: [To Richard] I've just had a really good idea! Why don't you shut up? And why don't you tell the all the ladies and gentlemen, with your Tippex teeth, about the car that you've been driving that I haven't.

Richard: Now, the previous Noble, the M12, was a real "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" punch in the back.

Richard: If I was in a TVR, now, the indicators would be on the ceiling and the switches would be made of kryptonite and the doors would open inwards on a dodecahedral hinge. But no! If I pull up in a Noble, the door is just a door, that opens sort of... doorishly!

[on the Stig]

Richard: Some say that his first name really is "The," and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the camera men. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jenson Button: I like to enjoy myself as we all do.

Jeremy: [interrupting] So you get a lot of sex.

Jenson: Probably more than you, Jeremy, yes.

Jeremy: Next up, James Kray.

Jeremy: Richard really did have a size problem, and his van was pretty small as well.

Jeremy: [upon seeing the size of the van James had bought] James, are you filming with us today or are you moving house?

Jeremy: Who's got the fastest van?

Jeremy: I'm no match for Hamster; look at his postage stamp go!

Richard: [voiceover] James was having problems with his illegal immigrant. So, he decided to employ him.

Jeremy: [upon being unable to break into Richard's Suzuki Super Carry] Why don't you just pick the van up and put it in your pocket?

[Hammond has just flipped his Suzuki Super Carry.]

Jeremy: So, um, I guess he could be dead!

James: Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...

Jeremy: Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...

Richard: I may have... have overcooked that a bit.

Jeremy: ...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"

January 28th, 2007 [9.1]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Jaguar's supercharged XKR vs. its twin sister; why do road-works take so long? And Jamie Oliver prepares a delicious lap in our Reasonably-Priced Car!

[Upon starting the new series]

Jeremy: Now there is actually a problem, really, because, obviously, one of us blokes has now become Princess Diana!

[referring to Richard's comeback to the studio]

Jeremy: ...and here's something I never thought I'd be saying at one point, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Richard Hammond!

[having just made a grand entrance down a staircase, with fireworks and dancing girls]

Richard: That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done!

[on Richard's return]

Jeremy: Anyway, listen. This is the big question. I guess everybody wants to know. Are you ready? Are you now a mental?

Richard: No!

[the audience laughs]

Richard: I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed, and normal, and healed. Thank you. What are you doing?

James: I thought you might need these... [hands Hammond tissues] ...in case you start dribbling.

Richard: That's all I've had for four months...

James: What? Tissues?

Richard: No! People hanging around just watching, waiting for my eyes to point in different directions and for me to go bonkers. I'm fixed, I'm normal.

Jeremy: Are you the same person that you were before?

Richard: Yes! I mean, the doctors were worried, because it's brain damage, you know... personality change or whatever, but... no, the only difference between me now and me before the crash is... I like celery now and I didn't... before.

Jeremy: So you're still shouty? You're still fighty?

Richard: Yes...

James: And if I take you to the pub, are you still going to want to punch me in the face after 15 minutes?

Richard: Yes, though that's, to be honest, more [gestures to Jeremy] your personality than mine.

Jeremy: I always want to punch him in the face after 15 minutes, sometimes less.

Richard: Yeah, that's perfectly normal.

[moments before his dragster crash]

Richard: When the afterburner lights, I haven't got 5,000 horsepower: I've got 10,000 horsepower, and possibly the biggest accident you've ever seen in your life.

[getting strapped into the dragster moments before his crash]

Richard: I don't wanna be upside down!

[his first thought when the wheel of the jet car exploded]

Richard: Oh bugger! Something's gone wrong!

Richard: We weren't trying to set records, I just wanted to go really, really fast.

Jeremy: So you did 314 mph?

Richard: Yeah.

Jeremy: And you wanted to know what it was like to go really fast?

Richard: Yeah.

Jeremy: So you'd found out. Why didn't you just get into your car and go home?

[Richard looks sheepish]

Richard: I don't know really. The thing is, that run that you just saw, that was at 5 o'clock, and we had the runway until 5:30, and... [general laughter]

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else, he realised that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs... [the audience applauds wildly and Jeremy pauses for a short moment]... [laughing] all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: ...how hard can it be?

Richard: Oh, how I've missed the pang of dread every time you say the words "How hard can it be?"

[In a fish and chip shop, ordering a meal for his work crew]

Richard: Can I have cod-and-chips... seventy-five times?

[observing the approach of a storm]

Jeremy: In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, "Oh spiffing!"

[speaking over a bull horn to the men of the D5481]

Jeremy: The Pantheon, the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China. Each a shining beacon of mans ambition and today the D5481 will join that list. We shall build this road in a day, our resurfacing work will last for a thousand years!

[on the Jaguar XKR]

Jeremy: ...while it doesn't have a shed load of power, it is still quite fast. You passed sixty miles an hour in 4.9 seconds. You passed a hundred in thirteen seconds, and that's good... but imagine how good it would be if it had more power!

February 4th, 2007 [9.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Hugh Grant stars in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and is the new Audi TT any good? We find out... by playing golf.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal... all we know is, he's called Lord Stig!

James: This is Germany, there are procedures to go through... I like procedures.

James: It's no wonder Michael Schumacher retired, he's slower than me!

James: This is a road car, and I'm up to 404... 405, come on!

James: [after hearing it's now illegal to retune a radio while driving] I can't listen to an episode of the Archers in the car without losing my temper, and having a crash... deliberately... to end it.

Richard: Wow! A TVR band! So presumably they play really loud, really fast and then burst into flames!

[while Jeremy is speaking before the panel of experts]

James: Oh look, I found Jeremy's notes: Trousers, fat, Hitler, Teige, Mazda, Alfa, modernism, minimalism.

James: [in the museum gift shop, as a general question] Do you have like a single volume on the artistic influence of Alfa Romeo coupes?

Jeremy: You went to art school—you should be good at this.

Richard: Did you go to art school?

Jeremy: No I didn't.

Richard: Then you wouldn't know. All you do at art school is drink and pursue women.

[to Richard on speaking before the museum experts]

Jeremy: Do you know what? We've made amphibious cars, we made a convertible people carrier, I've raced you to Oslo... this is the hardest thing I have ever faced.

Jeremy: That's the inside of the Mazda... that's not Bauhaus. That's my trousers.

Museum Expert: What does it symbolize?

Jeremy: The Audi?

Museum Expert: Yes.

Jeremy: It symbolises... [pause] freedom...? [making reference to the film Braveheart] freedom...! like that.

February 11th, 2007 [9.3]

Listed as the Top Gear: US Special

February 18th, 2007 [9.4]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: One small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle; I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes; and Simon Pegg makes a hot fuzz in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

Simon: [timidly] Help!

[Talking about Porsches vs Ferrarris]

Jeremy:... It's like David Attenborough. I respect David Attenborough, I mean just, infinite respect, in the same way I respect that car. But I have no passion for him; I don't want to make love to him.

Richard: Yeah but... [audience laughing] But I have respect and passion for the 911.

Jeremy: There you are, you just admitted on television that you wanna make love to David Attenborough.

[News about Porsche 911, continued from the earlier discussion...]

Richard: It's possibly the ultimate 911.

Jeremy: In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?

Richard: Well, it's a roll cage.

Jeremy: No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.

[Still on the Porsche 911, after Hammond explained the intricacies of using it in daily life]

James: So in the real world my 1.2 litre Fiat Panda is faster to the shops.

Richard: No mate, it's just not.

James: Because I've got to put the seatbelt on once. You have got to do it six times.

Richard: OK, I've got to do that and wait whilst you put your seatbelts on and then go through all your preflight checks, and make sure all the airvents are all in the same direction. [audience laughing]

[About the BBC requiring all its employees to take a safe driving course]

Jeremy: [Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.

James: Stop driving or you'll go blind.

Jeremy: Exactly!

[Reading some of the questions from the safe driving course]

Jeremy: "You have a blowout on the motorway..." - one for you here, Hammond! (referring to 9.1 where Hammond crashed)

[Reading the third (or maybe last) question from the safe driving course]

Jeremy: What's the primary hazard facing drivers when driving at night? Anybody want to hazard a guess at that? No hang on, this is [straining to hear an answer from the audience] go on, what? Dark. Anything else?

Guy in the audience: Germans!

[Audience laughs]

Jeremy: Germans.

Richard: These are all valid, valid points.

Jeremy: None of these things are on my list, anybody else got any thoughts?

Another guy in the audience: Peasants!

Both (laughing): Peasants.

Jeremy: No. It's, um, glare from other vehicles' headlamps. Cyclists in dark clothing; it's their own fault for not working hard enough, not having a car.

[To Simon Pegg in the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car interview]

Jeremy: Now, can I just move on, 'cause films, you're a bit of a buff I gather.

Simon: I am a bit.

Jeremy: Star Wars, in particular.

Simon: Yeah absolutely.

Jeremy: Did you not once write a three-and-a-half thousand word essay on why you thought C3PO was gay?

[Simon giving his explanations]

Simon: And you could argue that C3PO is a kind of emasculated homosexual. Because he's very camp, but he was safe because he didn't have a willy.

Jeremy: Homosexual men have willies.

Simon: He's sexually non-threatening.

Jeremy: Graham Norton's got a willy.

Simon: How do you know?

[Jeremy is now at a loss of words, at which point the audience laughs]

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Brabus-tuned SL65]

Jeremy: Here we are, if you want it, with proof, that absolute power really does corrupt... absolutely.

[after the Reliant shuttle crashed and exploded]

James: That's why...

Richard: How are we going to use it again?

February 25th, 2007 [9.5]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: We try to grow our own petrol; I drive the new Lamborghini, quite badly; And cool-wall muse Kristin Scott Thomas is in our Reasonably-Priced Car!

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears' head... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[in response to Richard pulling the "Top Gear Production Office"; a prefabricated building with no wheels in the tractor drag race]

Jeremy: Again, good effort. But, to my mind, still lacking... ambition!

[Camera cuts to show Jeremy's tractor, pulling the modified Boeing 747-236B used in Casino Royale while Kasabian's 'The Doberman' plays in the background]

[during the news]

Richard: [to May] Hey.. you can tell Kristin Scott Thomas is coming into the studio as a guest today.

James: How?

Richard: [pointing at Jeremy] He's wearing a suit! Look at him.

Jeremy: [unconvincingly] All my jeans are in the wash.

Richard: Oh, really. All of a sudden — 92 programs we've done, you've been in jeans. Now today when Kristin's coming in, they're all mucky.

James: I thought he was going for a job interview.

Jeremy: [trying to continue with the show] This Maserati—

James: [to Richard] He's had his hair cut as well..

Jeremy: I have had my hair cut, because it was too long.

James: I had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".

Jeremy: I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.

James: So why didn't you?

Jeremy: SHUT UP!

Jeremy: ...and it has air conditioning, unlike the ones in Lambos of old, isn't like being coughed on. By a mouse. [imitates mouse coughing]

Jeremy: [chasing May with a pitchfork] May! You're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!

[during the second tractor challenge]

Jeremy: Read it and weep! 2 minutes 57!

Richard: Jeremy... the slowest wins.

Jeremy: Rubbish!

[on James' small Fiat Panda]

James: He exploited the diminutive size of my Panda to sit there going [motions leg fondling] "ooh I'm terribly sorry".

Richard: There's only 2 knobs in it, well, 3 if you count the one who bought it.

Jeremy:[on Lamborghini Murciélago's options price list after mentioning the 'flappy paddle' gearbox was £6,000] You need a flappy paddle HEAD to spend that!

March 4th, 2007 [9.6]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: We cut some cars in half with saws; Richard smokes a horse; and who's in our Reasonably Priced Car? Oh, it's his assistant!

James: Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five, they have to use booster seats in the car?

Jeremy: [pointing at Richard] He does.

Richard: Yes, all right. I just knew...

James: All right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]

Jeremy: I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?

James: Because they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!

Richard: Just measure them?

James: So if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."

Richard: So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -

Jeremy: No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.

Richard: Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it. Might be best.

[on the impending sale of Aston Martin]

Jeremy: The leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.

James: Carpets'll be nice.

Richard: Really, really elaborate. Really elaborate.

Jeremy: Yeah, and buying one is going to be interesting. You go down to "my brother's Abdel Martin shop".

James: [bad Egyptian accent] "For you, my friend... "

Jeremy: "... I make nice special price."

James: "Special price."

[on the Stig]

Richard: Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: [on the 1.0L Fiat Panda he has chosen to turn into a limousine] Interestingly is the fact that this car doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald And if Gerald runs round in his wheel very very quickly he'll get me from 0-60 in 18 seconds.

Richard: Oh... my God.

Jeremy: [proudly] It's a giant Panda! Never before bred in captivity.

Richard: [impressed] That is a big Panda.

[on the stretched Panda's passenger entry system]

James: It's an ingenious solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place.

Richard: What does this do?

James: No, don't pull that - !

Jeremy: [losing control of the Alfaab] Oh my GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED?!

James: Hammond's unlocked the steering!

Richard: Sorry!

James: You're in the wrong end, you idiot!

[...]

James: You pair of utter pillocks. You've ruined my car. You've been--

[...]

James: If I was driving it like a limousine, and you two weren't just being yobbos trying to break everything, that wouldn't happen!

[testing Hammond's stretched MG]

Jeremy: Where is the heater?

Richard: Well, that is a problem, because it - the engine, of course, is at the back, and the pipes, I - it hasn't got one!

Jeremy: You're the stupidest man I've ever met.

[on his stretched Fiat Panda]

Jeremy: I had to lop seven feet out of the middle (to make it road-legal) but it is now quite nippy, 'cause it's only eight feet longer than a bus!

Lemar: (to James May): Remember,earlier,when I was talking about circles? I mean,Harrods,I've seen it twice,I don't need to see it a third time.

[on getting shot in the genitals with a paintball gun]

James: The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.

James: Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?

October 7th, 2007 [10.1]

[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]

[Introducing the quest to find the greatest driving road]

James: Right. It's time for a question. And the question is, "Where is the best driving road in the world?" Something that has everything. The challenging bends, no traffic, the great views, the long fast straights... the lot.

[Jeremy walks up to a world map]

Jeremy: Yep. Um, [points to North America] now it's unlikely to be here because they're... everyone does five, [points to South America] it's not gonna be here because they're all on drugs, [points to Africa] that's all just full of ox. Uh, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not going to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders, [points to the Philippines] signs here are full of gibberish...

Richard: Oh, Jeremy-

Jeremy: [points to mainland Asia] ... they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.

Richard: No!

Jeremy: What?-

Richard: No, thank you. Alright, obviously we did discuss this at length and we eventually decided the best driving road in the world was probably somewhere in continental Europe. Specifically around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do was to go there and see if we could find it.

[After Richard's narration in the opening scenes]

Richard: Now obviously you can't go searching for the best driving road in the world, in a Japanese hatchback, or a people carrier. So what we thought we'd do is bring along a selection of the new generation, of lightened supercars.

[After Jeremy finishes talking about his Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera]

James: Well yeah, I suppose it is if you're a fat, middle-age bloke who wants to bore everybody about the track days you've been on. As you'd expect, I've done it properly and got myself a proper, gentleman's racer; the Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24.

[Upon inspection of James' Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24]

Richard: James... that is just a racing car!

Jeremy: It hasn't got anything in it at all! It doesn't even have a passenger seat!

James: This isn't just some road car Porsche with a bit of scaffolding in the back. It's two hundred and fifty kilograms lighter than the standard car! That's the weight of a big motorcycle.

Richard: So, you've got no radio...

James: No!

Jeremy: You've got no carpets.

James: No.

Richard: No air conditioning.

James: No!

Jeremy: James, you have got a car with no air conditioning, in the south of France, in the middle of summer.

Richard: It's better than that! His windows don't open!

James: Yes they do, actually...

Jeremy: [laughing]

Richard: That's a cat flap!

[Jeremy on the VW Golf GTi W12]

Jeremy: My biggest problem with it is that I can't see the point of saying "I've got a supercar and the great thing is it looks like a Golf." That's like saying "I'm married to a supermodel and the great thing is she looks like a traffic warden."

[on the Stig.]

Jeremy: Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.

[on the concept Golf GTI W12, during the Stig's lap]

Jeremy: No CD today, because predictably, the CD player doesn't work.

Jeremy: So! Top Gear top tip: Ah, if you want a slow car that looks like a Golf... get a Golf.

James: You're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our chairs, are you?

Jeremy: No I'm not. I know who did this.

Richard: Who?

Jeremy: Fifth Gear.

[...]

Richard: D'you think they're a bit jealous?

Jeremy: Yeah. So please, really. Tiff, Vicki? Stop burning our things.

Richard: Yes.

Jeremy: Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator. So if anyone out there is watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator -

Richard: Well, hang on, you're gonna say "if you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats."

Jeremy: That's right. Uh, write to us at "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up," BBC Television, uh, London, wherever we are.

[on Top Gear's new seating]

Jeremy: I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.

James: This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?

Jeremy: [laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...

Richard: My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...

[on the recall of several Bentley models for wheel nuts that could come loose while the car's being driven]

Richard: Bentley say it's not a big deal? [looks mystified, shrugs] It's only one batch of nuts affected; it only affected, I've got it written down here, it only concerns the Arnage R. And the Arnage T. And the Arnage RL. And the Azure. So basically, pretty much all of the cars they make. And it's only those built between February '05... and August last year. That's a year and a half!

Jeremy: No, my favorite is, the government, OK, who actually run this recall, they say here, "If the bolts do become loose, this would in all probability be noticeable to the driver."

Richard: Yes it would.

Jeremy': "... As there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise."

Richard: What, when a wheel comes off?

Jeremy: And sparks. And [pantomimes being in a rolling car] sky road sky road ditch.

Richard: [pantomimes driving] "Dear, I think there might be something wrong with the car!"

Richard: ...it is time to do, the Cool Wall!

[the camera reveals the fire-damaged Cool Wall]

Richard: Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.

Jeremy: Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]

Richard: Is it a Golf?

Jeremy: No, it looks more an Alfa...

[Jeremy approaches an audience member]

Jeremy: What do you think that is?

Man: It's an Audi.

[Jeremy closely examines the picture]

Jeremy: How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...

[From the unedited news]

James: I've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.

Richard: No, you can't talk about that on telly, mate.

Jeremy: That isn't in the highway code: Wank!

Richard: [Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?

Jeremy: Sometimes, on long journeys, there's nothing else to do!

[From the unedited news]

Richard: Although it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.

Jeremy: Or put their make-up on.

Richard: Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.

Jeremy: Or eat a pie.

Richard: Yeah! Round our track.

James: Yeah! Yeah! And speed!

Jeremy: And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!

Richard: Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!

Jeremy: [haltingly consulting the instruction manual of his Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera, which is in Italian] Consola centrale con... interatore aperture sportello... rifornimento. [translating] "We are useless Italians and we haven't built this properly."

Richard: So, the cars. James?

James: NO.

Richard: I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.

Jeremy: I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.

James: Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?

Richard: Yes! We're back in business!

Jeremy: Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!

October 14th, 2007 [10.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James May faces trial by water. Richard Hammond faces trial by fire. And I drive a Ferrari to the moon!

[on the Audi R8's handling]

Jeremy: Driving most supercars is like trying to man-handle a cow up a back staircase. But this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[After James tries to compare an F430 with cheese]

Jeremy: Why are you on this programme!?

[While trying to take down his mast]

James: What is it actually caught on?

Both: The security camera.

[Showing the oil drums on the back of his "Nissank"]

Jeremy: These should give me more...ummm.....ummmm.

Crew Member: Stability.

Jeremy: Yes, that.

[reacting to the English Channel challenge]

Jeremy: I'm 47 years old. I'm gonna be run down by a Korean grain carrier and minced.

Richard: Yeah. But what a day!

[As Richard's dampervan creates plumes of white smoke]

Jeremy: It is like the West Indian dope smoking team practising in the car.

[Cue to Richard, a large smile on his face]

[As his Herald sinks]

James: MAYDAY!

[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]

Richard:I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!

Jeremy: Mine won't start properly.

Richard: No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.

[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]

Richard: No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!

Jeremy: It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.

Richard: [To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]

[...]

James: [Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...

Richard: You see? He's pointing!

James: I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.

[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]

Jeremy: Oh God!

[Richard, James and audience laugh]

Jeremy: That's not gone well!

[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]

Richard: Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...

Jeremy: 'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]

[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]

Richard: Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.

[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]

Richard: What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.

[After James' Triumph Herald sank for the final time]

Richard: James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.

Jeremy: YOU'VE FAILED!!

[Revs engine and splashes James with water]

James: Thank you.

[After James had gone into Hammond's cabin to make tea]

Jeremy: [To James] Oi! Prescott! I'll have a bacon sandwich!

[After sinking in Hammond's campervan]

James: This is the third time I've been in this bloody sea!

Richard: Technically, it wasn't my fault.

[On their attempt to break Richard Branson's record for crossing the channel in an amphibious car]

Jeremy: Beardy, you're going down!

Richard: [voiceover] Meanwhile, back with Captain Pugwash...

James: Sod it. Right sail. [James' sail swings round and the boom hits him in the head] Oww. Bloody thing.

Coast Guard pilot over radio: Please state your intentions.

Jeremy: Our intentions are to cross the Channel faster than Beardy Branson.

Coast Guard pilot over radio: In that case, I wish you the best of luck.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Having missed all the big scary boats, we turned our attention back to Branson's record.

Jeremy: Ready? Ready... one hour, forty minutes coming up... now! [proudly] WE'VE FAILED!

Richard: Yay! We lost!

October 28th, 2007 [10.3]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a Rolls-Royce. Richard drives a Bugatti Veyron. And I drive something that isn't either of those things.[Shows video of Jeremy driving a Peel P50 round the BBC Office]

Richard: Imagine if you will that you've bought a Bugatti Veyron. It's a big investment! You'd be very excited about the day it was to be arriving. So you'd imagine such a thing would be delivered, you know, on like a golden carriage on a bed of swan's feathers. It's a special moment in your life.

Jeremy: I'd want mine borne aloft by sixteen greased, naked eunuchs. That's what I'd want.

Richard: Whatever, the point is, that's the sort of thing you'd expect. It's a big moment. In Russia they do things a little bit differently. Here is one, being transported... [photo of a Veyron on the back of a grubby, industrial Russian truck] There's your Bugatti. [bad Russian accent] "I've brought your Bugatti, sir, it is here!" What, it's on a flatbed pickup!

Jeremy: [also in bad Russian accent] Great success!

Richard: That's a disappointment in your life.

[on The Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup rugby final, he would've seen that of course it was a try, you blind Australian half-wit! All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[On the Peel P50]

Jeremy: Built on the Isle of Man in the early 60's, the P50 was said to be almost cheaper than walking. It cost 150 pounds and did 100 miles to the gallon. It sounds perfect, then, for the roads of today.

[On the Peel P50]

Jeremy [shouting]: What I've got down here by my right leg making noise and generating quite a bit of heat is the 49cc engine from a moped! Top speed rather depends on how big you are, and actually how much you had for breakfast. But realistically, even the skinniest, shortest chap with the whitest of teeth would struggle to get past... 35?

[Whilst driving through London in the Peel P50]

Jeremy: There's something I just realised. I have to pay congestion charge in this part of London. But the camera crew in the Lexus 4x4 don't because it's a hybrid. How fair is that?! I mean, it's not like I'm creating any pollution at all! [accelerates, leaving a trail of smoke behind him]

[Talk about Lamborghini Reventón, which Jeremy insists should be pronounced Rebentón.]

Richard: Anyway, it has a 6.5L V12.

Jeremy: B12.

Richard: Yep, whatever. It can do two hun...

Jeremy: Whateber.

Richard: Please stop that, it's very annoying. It can do 220 miles per..

Jeremy: Bery annoying.

Richard: Leave it!!

[Ending their feature of the Reventón]

Jeremy: Couple of problems: One, they're only making twenty and only one's coming to Britain; the other thing is, eight hundred thousand pounds!

Richard: Yep, that is quite a lot...

Jeremy: Hmmn... But with this, you would get a lot of badge.

Richard: Badge? (ponders, then realizes...)... Oh! V-NO! No no no.

Jeremy: Think I got away with that. So!

Jeremy: [watching Fiona Bruce walk away from the P50] She has got quite a nice bottom. ... I said that out loud, didn't I.

November 4th, 2007 [10.4]

Listed as the Top Gear: Botswana Special

November 25th, 2007 [10.7]

Jeremy: Have you ever wanted to buy, OK, a sports car that's got a diesel engine, top speed of 150 miles an hour, that's a high-riding 4x4 off-road car and is also a four-seater convertible?

James and Richard, in unison: No.

Jeremy: Neither have I. But Audi's made one anyway. Here it is.

Richard: What! What do you do with it?

Jeremy: I've no idea. It's called the Cross Cabriolet. Not as cross as the owner's going to be when he buys it and realized he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.

[pointing to the Aston Martin DB9]

Jeremy: So it's Keira Knightley... [pointing to the Aston Martin DBS] or Keira Knightley, dressed in Puff Diddley's jewellery.

[In an attempt to prove British Leyland made some good cars, James has to drive over a cobbled road with a colander full of eggs over his head]

Jeremy: Okay, how's he looking?

James: Eggy!

'[both Richard and Jeremy burst into laughter as James passes by]

Jeremy: He was like a spaniel that's crashed into the back of a hen!

[when his ignition key wouldn't turn]

Jeremy: Which slovenly Midlander built this?

[At the former site of Longbridge]

Jeremy: [voiceover] It was time to move on.

[attempting to open his door, Jeremy starts chuckling before James and Richard follow suit]

Richard: Your own door won!

Jeremy: I opened my door! The door's still there!

[...]

Jeremy: It's come back to Longbridge!

Richard: It's on strike!