Seasons: 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9

Seinfeld was an American sitcom that aired on NBC from 1989 to 1998. It revolved around neurotic comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his three equally neurotic friends. A self-described "show about nothing", it is generally considered one of the most popular, influential sitcoms of all time.

The Engagement [7.1]

Susan: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.

Estelle: You do?

Susan: Yes.

Estelle: Really?

Susan: Yes.

Estelle: May I ask why?

Jerry: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit: she eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat corn niblets, but she scooped them.

George: She scooped the niblets?

Jerry: Yes. That's what was so vexing.

The Postponement [7.2]

Kramer: Look at this, Jerry. That's littering.

Jerry: Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.

Kramer: Maybe I will.

Susan: If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. [crying] Say so.

George: Still marry. Still marry.

Susan: No, you don't love me.

George: No. Still love. Still love.

Susan: My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.

George: No, no, no. No mistake, no mistake!

The Maestro [7.3]

Kramer: You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.

Jerry: Oh what, because I didn't call him "Maestro"?

Kramer: That's right.

Jerry: Ya know, I feel a little funny calling somebody "Maestro."

Kramer: Why?

Jerry: Because it's a stupid thing to be called.

Kramer: Jerry, he's a conductor.

Jerry: Oh, conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.

Jerry: New shirt?

George: Yeah. You like it?

Jerry: No, not particularly.

George: Why, the color?

Jerry: Yeah.

George: Too flashy?

Jerry: Yeah, it's burning my retina.

The Wink [7.4]

Kramer: Oh, by the way, tomorrow night Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

The Hot Tub [7.5]

George: Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.

Jerry: How do you pull that off?

George: I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... [puts on an annoyed face]

Elaine: Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!

Jerry: Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!

George: I know what I'm doin.' In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right, back to work. [puts on the annoyed face]

George: Hey, you bastards.

Jerry: Hey, how was the meeting?

George: I really like those sons of bitches.

Jerry: Sons of bitches?

George: Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like, uh... "Boy, that son of a bitch Boggs can really hit, huh?"

Jean-Paul: Really?

George: Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the Major League.

The Soup Nazi [7.6]

NO SOUP FOR YOU!

George: I didn't get any bread.

Jerry: Just forget it. Let it go.

George: Excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.

Soup Nazi: Bread, two dollars extra.

George: Two dollars? But everybody in front of me got free bread.

Soup Nazi: You want bread?

George: Yes, please.

Soup Nazi: THREE dollars!

George: What?!

Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!

[The Soup Nazi's assistant snatches George's soup and hands back his money]

Elaine: Hi there. Um... [drums on the counter] Oh, oh, oh, one mulligatawny, and um... What is that right there? Is that Lima beans?

Soup Nazi: Yes.

Elaine: Never been a big fan. [imitates gagging] Um... Y'know what has anyone ever told you look exactly like Al Pacino? [the Soup Nazi looks at her in confusion] Y'know, Scent of a Woman? Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah! [chuckles]

Soup Nazi: Very good. Very good. You know something? NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Elaine: What?!

Soup Nazi: Come back one year! Next!

Jerry: What are ya gonna get?

Sheila: I'll just decide at the last minute.

Jerry: You better decide, sister! You're on deck! [Sheila kisses him] Sheila!

Soup Nazi: [bangs on the counter] Hey!

Jerry: Uh-oh.

Soup Nazi: What is this?! You're kissing in my line! Nobody kisses in my line!

Sheila: I can kiss anywhere I want to!

Soup Nazi: You just cost yourself a soup!

Sheila: How dare you! C'mon, Jerry, we're leaving! Jerry!

Jerry: [looks at the Soup Nazi and then back at Sheila] Do I know you? [Sheila gasps in shock]

Elaine: Hello.

Soup Nazi: You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time.

Elaine: I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. "Five cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, three pounds celery."

Soup Nazi: [aghast] That is my recipe for wild mushroom [tries to take the recipes out of her hands].

Elaine: Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny..

Soup Nazi: Mulliga... tawny?

Elaine: You're through, Soup Nazi. Now pack it up. No more soup for you. NEXT!

The Secret Code [7.7]

Jerry: Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?

George: I am not giving you my code.

Kramer: I bet I can guess it.

George: Yeah, right.

Kramer: Oh, alright. Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?

George: Huh?

Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No, no, no, no, yours is a sweet tooth.

George: [getting nervous] Get out of here.

Kramer: Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master: the cocoa bean.

George: [gets up] I'm leaving.

Kramer: No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!

George: I gotta go.

Kramer: [chasing after George] If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!

George: Shut up!

Kramer: Nestle's Quik!

George: Shut up!

Kramer: Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.

Jerry: No, I didn't.

The Pool Guy [7.8]

Kramer: Hello and welcome to Moviefone! Brought to you by the New York Times and HOT 97. Coming to theatres this Friday... [deep trailer voice-over] Kevin Bacon. Susan Sarandon. You've got to get me over that mountain! NOO! [imitates air raid effect and long scream] There's no higher place than... Mountain High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie that you'd like to see, press 1.

Elaine: Kramer? Is that you?

Kramer: Elaine?

Elaine: What time does Chow Fung start?

Kramer: I dunno.

George: (to Elaine) You're killing independent George!

Moviefone President: Hello. And welcome to your worst nightmare. I know you're in there, Cosmo Kramer, Apartment 5b. You're in big trouble now. You've been stealing my business. If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door now. Or please select the number of seconds you'd like to wait before I break this door down. Please select now.

The Sponge [7.9]

Jerry: She's too good.

George: Too good?

Jerry: I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

George: I see what you mean.

Jerry: I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Elaine: I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge worthy.

The Gum [7.10]

George: Speaking of crazy, did you hear about Lloyd Braun?

The Rye [7.11]

Frank: What is this thing, anyway?

Mrs. Ross: It's Cornish game hen.

Frank: What is that? Like a little chicken?

George: It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. [laughs] "Little chicken." It's a game bird.

Frank: Game bird?

George: Yeah.

Frank: What do you mean? Like, you hunt it?

Mr. Ross: Yes...

Frank: How hard could it be to kill this thing?

Frank: Let me understand. You got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?

George: Why don't we talk about it another time?

Frank: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!

Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.

Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.

Frank: That's perverse!

The Caddy [7.12]

[Message on Jerry's answering machine after being informed of George's "death" by Steinbrenner]

Frank Costanza: Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back.

Jerry: Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're still alive?

George: Naw, they could use the break!

The Seven [7.13]

Kramer: Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement?

Jerry: What arrangement?

Kramer: I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you take whatever from mine.

Jerry: Well, let me know when you get something in there.

George: All right, I tell you what. You look like nice people. I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.

Ken: What?

George: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.

Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.

George: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?

The Cadillac(1) [7.14]

Jack: I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?

Jerry: He doesn't wanna take a ride.

Morty: Uh-huh.

Jack: What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands!

Morty: Thousands?

Jack: What? D'you think you're such a big shot now because you got a Cadillac?

Morty: [dismissive] Ahh!

Jack: [dismissive] Ahh!

Morty: Do you believe that guy?

Jerry: [sarcastically] Ahh!

The Cadillac(2) [7.15]

The Shower Head [7.16]

Newman: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! [pushes Elaine out the door and closes it] All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.

Peterman: Elaine, you've tested positive for opium.

Elaine: What?

Peterman: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally!

...

Peterman: I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was traveling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste" he said. That was all it took.

Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.

Peterman: Oh, Elaine, the toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.

Kramer: [claps his hands together] All right, what have we got here?

Showerhead Dealer: [explaining professionally] I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F series Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.

Newman: They're too many. What do you recommend?

Showerhead Dealer: [with an inquiring look] - What are you looking for?

Kramer: [with an asserting tone] - Power, man, power. [day drinking] Like Silkwood. [points at the van] Now, what is this?

Showerhead Dealer: That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one.

Kramer: No, that's what we want man. The Commando 450.

Showerhead Dealer: [inhales his cigarette, throws it away, and turns to close the van] No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants. I think we're done here.

Kramer: [disparately] - Just give it to us. - We'll pay anything. - We've got the...

Newman: - What about Jerry?

Kramer: [while counting the money] What about him? - He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

The Doll [7.17]

George: Susan has this doll collection, and one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother. She likes to sleep with it.

Jerry: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?

George: Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. It's freakin' me out, man.

Kramer: Frank here, he's got his own billiard room.

Frank: Yes, It's, uh, it's... uh, uh... What do you call it, Kramer?

Kramer: A billiard room.

Frank: No, not billiard. Not billiards. It was... come on, already. Come on...

Kramer: What?

Frank: We call it... the, uh...

Kramer: [snaps fingers] "The Place To Be!"

Frank: "The Place To Be!" Yes! It's the place to be.

The Friars Club [7.18]

The Wig Master [7.19]

Jerry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you asking him out?

Jessie: Yeah... I guess you could say that..

Jerry: Right in front of me! How do you know we're not together? Two guys sitting, laughing, drinking "Champagne Coolies."

Jerry: I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

The Calzone [7.20]

Steinbrenner: [after smelling the calzones] Constanza is in the building! And he's not in his office! Constanza! He's got the calzone! I've got you! [runs out of his office]

Kramer: Hey, buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.

Jerry: You got your shirt in my oven?

Kramer: I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway, this is better. And it's more convenient.

Jerry: [ironically] For both of us.

Kramer: And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for ten minutes at 325 degrees.

Jerry: What's wrong with your oven?

Kramer: I'm baking a pie!

The Bottle Deposit(1) [7.21]

Newman: It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!

Kramer: Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.

Newman: No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Saginaw, Michigan.

Kramer: (interested) Uh-huh.

Newman: But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On Valentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.

Kramer: (realization) Mother's Day.

Newman: The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.

Kramer: A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.

Newman: (excited) We carry a couple of bags of mail, and the rest is ours!

Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!

Newman: (triumph) Let the collecting begin!

The Bottle Deposit(2) [7.22]

Farmer's daughter: No, Daddy, don't hurt him! I love him! Goodbye, Norman! Goodbye!

The Wait Out [7.23]

Kramer: [fixing up his pants] Yeah... Look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?

Jerry: You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.

Kramer: Yeah, well, I was a different man then.

Jerry: With a different body.

Kramer: Hey, I got the body of a... taut, preteen Swedish boy.

The Invitations [7.24]

[After George pretends to be an addicted smoker to make Susan cancel the wedding]

Susan: Since when do you smoke?

George: [coughs] I've always smoked.

Susan: I've never seen you smoke.

George: Oh, yeah? Well, I quit smokin.' I [coughs] gave it up for a w- [cough] while, but it was too tough. Y' know, [cough] I haven't got the will power.

Susan: I don't like this one bit.

George: Well[coughs] I can't stop now [coughs] I'm addicted... [coughing, wretching] they got a hold of me.

Susan: Well, you are gonna have to quit.

George: Oh, God! [runs to the bathroom]

George: I put a lot of thought into this, and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptial agreement.

Susan: A pre-nup?

George: Yeah. [Susan laughs] What's so funny?

Susan: Hahahaha... You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. Haha. Yeah, give me the papers. I'll sign 'em.