Seinfeld was an American sitcom that aired on NBC from 1989 to 1998. It revolved around neurotic comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his three equally neurotic friends. A self-described "show about nothing", it is generally considered one of the most popular, influential sitcoms of all time.
The Trip, Part 1 [4.1]
- [George brings multiple suitcases on the trip]
- Jerry: We're going on a two day trip! What are you, Diana Ross?
The Trip, Part 2 [4.2]
- George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
- Jerry: Hello, 911? How are you?
The Pitch [4.3]
- Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
- Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
- Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that.
- Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
- Telemarketer: No.
- Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up; audience cheers]
The Ticket [4.4]
- Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
- George: The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.
The Wallet [4.5]
- Jerry: Don't you hate "To be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "To be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show; you're into the story. There's, like, five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it. Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes." I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm... Can you come back next week?"
- Morty: They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It’s gone.
- Nurse: Are you sure?
- Morty: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-ray. Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
The Watch [4.6]
- Elaine: Just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay? Can you do that?
- Kramer: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend... Have we been intimate?
- Elaine: Yeah, yeah, we've been intimate.
- Kramer: How often do we do it?
- Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
- Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
- Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh...five times a week, okay?
- Kramer: Oooh, baby.
The Bubble Boy [4.7]
- Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
- George: A bubble boy?!
- Jerry: Yes. A bubble boy.
- Susan: What's a bubble boy?
- Jerry: He lives in a bubble.
- George: Boy.
- [trying to avoid hearing Naomi's obnoxious laugh]
- Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
- Jerry: No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
- Naomi: Hahahaha.
- Jerry: That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV Guide. I think, uh, Holocaust is on.
The Cheever Letters [4.8]
- Susan: (reading one of the letters) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work. I love you madly, John...P.S. Loved the cabin."
- Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".
The Opera [4.9]
- Jerry: Why don't you just get lost?
- Man: Why don't you get lost?!
- Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why!
- Man: Oh, yeah?!
- Jerry: Yeah!
- (The man walks away)
- Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?
The Virgin [4.10]
- Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed. So, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm; who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?
- Jerry: She's a virgin. I just found out.
- Elaine: Well, I didn't know!
- Jerry: Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.
The Contest [4.11]
- George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Jerry: Dating Marla.
- George: Oh, the virgin?
- Jerry: Yeah.
- George: Any, uh...progress, there? What's the latest?
- Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
- Elaine: What're you looking at?
- Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
- Elaine: [chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
- Jerry: Yeah...the - the waitress should've taken it back.
- Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
- Jerry: Uh-huh.
- George: Have a good time.
The Airport [4.12]
- Kramer: Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.
- Guard: All right, let's go.
- Prisoner: I want the magazine!
- George: Umm... No.
- Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...
- George: But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life...sentence, that is!
The Pick [4.13]
- Jerry: If we pick, do we not bleed?
- George: Hey! How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.
- Elaine: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card.
The Movie [4.14]
- Elaine: I don't wanna go to a miniplex multi-theater!
- George: It's the same movie! What's the difference?
- Elaine: It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in P.O.W.s to show them propaganda films.
- George: Hey, you know what else is playing here? "Rochelle Rochelle."
- Elaine: Ugh.
- George: I wouldn't mind seeing that.
- Elaine: Yeah, you know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
- George: So what's your point?
The Visa [4.15]
- Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.
- George: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!
The Shoes [4.16]
- Jerry: Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
- Jerry: Men are obsessed with cleavage. It doesn't matter how many times we've seen these things. Every time these objects are presented to us, we have to look. We cannot not look. To men, cleavage is like the nearest thing to a nearby UFO landing. That's what it is.
The Outing [4.17]
- Jerry: I've been outed. I wasn't even in!
- Jerry: Everyone thinks we're gay!... Not that there's anything wrong with that.
The Old Man [4.18]
- Sid: Oh, her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass, she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voodoo" music and tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday! Now get the hell out of my house!
- George: Aren't [postal workers] the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
- Newman: [ominously] Sometimes...
- Jerry: Why is that?
- Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up! It's relentless! Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out! But the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And it's Publisher's Clearing House day!
The Implant [4.19]
- Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.
- Timmy: What are you doing?
- George: What?
- Timmy: Did…did you just double-dip that chip?
- George: Excuse me?
- Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
- George: Double-dipped? What are you talking about?
- Timmy: You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again.
- George: So?
- Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!
- George: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. [slowly takes a chip]
- George: Timmy, You dip the way you want to dip...[tastefully bites the chip] I'll dip the way I want to dip. [defiengly dips the chip again]
The Junior Mint [4.20]
- Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint; it's delicious!
- Jerry: That's true.
- Kramer: It's very refreshing!
- Jerry: Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing into the patient!
- George: What do you mean "into the patient?"
- Jerry: Into the patient, literally!
- George: Into the hole?
- Jerry: Yes, the hole!
- George: Didn't they notice it?
- Jerry: No!
- George: How could they not notice it?!
- Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.
- George: W-What did they do?
- Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
- George: They left the Junior Mint in him?
- Jerry: Yes!
- George: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat pounds of those things.
- Jerry: They eat them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
The Smelly Car [4.21]
- Jerry: Boy, do you smell something?
- Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.
- Jerry: What is it?
- Elaine: I think it's B.O.
- Jerry: What?
- Elaine: It's B.O. The valet must've had B.O.
- Jerry: It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
- Elaine: Jerry, it's B.O.
- Jerry: But the whole car smells.
- Elaine: So?
- Jerry: So, when somebody has B.O., the O usually stays with the B. Once the B leaves, the O goes with it.
- Jerry: It still smells.
- George: How could it still smell after all that?
- Jerry: I don't know.
- George: Well, what are you gonna do?
- Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car.
- George: You're selling the car?
- Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine! Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench! And I'll take anything I can get for it.
- George: Maybe I'll buy it.
- Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This isn't just an odor! You need a priest to get rid of this thing!
- [Elaine comes in]
- Elaine: I still smell.
- Jerry: You see? You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!
The Handicap Spot [4.22]
- Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
- George: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
- Elaine: What's that supposed to mean?
- George: I don't even like Drake.
- Jerry: You don't like The Drake?
- George: I hate The Drake.
- Elaine: I love The Drake!
- Jerry: How could you not like The Drake?
- George: Who's The Drake?
- Elaine: Who's The Drake?!
- Jerry: The Drake is good!
The Pilot, Part 1 [4.23]
- Jerry: Again with the sweat pants?
- George: What? I'm comfortable.
- Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."
- George: He took a biopsy, Jerry, a biopsy!
- Jerry: What'd he say?
- George: He said he didn't know what it was.
- Jerry: All right, so?
- George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"
- Jerry: Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.
- George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here"? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.
- Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
- George: No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?
The Pilot, Part 2 [4.24]
- Sandi: You're breaking up with me, aren't you?
- Jerry: Do you want me to break up with you?
- Sandi: If that's what you want.
- Jerry: I don't even know what you're talking about.
- Sandi: Fine. Break up with me.
- Jerry: All right. We're broken up.
- Sandi: Can we still be friends?
- George: Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh.
- TV Kramer: How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?
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