History of the World, Part I is a 1981 film that provides a history of mankind covering events from the Old Testament to the French Revolution in a series of episodic comedy vignettes.
- Written and directed by Mel Brooks.
Ten million years in the making. The truth, the whole truth, and everything, but the truth!taglines
The Stone Age
- Announcer: Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature. This need, this talent clearly separated early man from animals, who would never know this gift.
- Announcer: And here, in a cave about 2 million years ago, the first artist was born. [a drawing of a buffalo is shown, and a proud artist] And, of course, with the birth of the artist, came the inevitable after birth... The critic. [the critic urinates on the drawing]
The Old Testament
- Announcer: Moses went to the mountain and God spoketh to him.
- God: Moses, this is the Lord, thy God, commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?
- Moses: Yes, I hear you, I hear you... a deaf man could hear you!
- God: What?!
- Moses: Nothing, forget about it, Oh Lord! Why have you chosen me? What would you have me do for you?
- God: I shall give you my laws, and you shall take them unto the people.
- Moses: Yes, Lord!
- Moses: OH HEAR ME! The lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... (drops stone tablet) Oy. Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
The Roman Empire
- Marcus Vindictus: There! Seize him!!
- Josephus: [grabbing his crotch] Seize this, honkus!
- Comicus: [confidentially] NO! Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!
- Marcus Vindictus: ARREST HIM! [his guards do so] Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen? [the crowd starts shouting and raising hands] OK, you...You had your hand up first.
- Onlooker #1: Death by torture!
- Marcus Vindictus: [TV edit] Be more specific, please.
- Onlooker #1: [TV edit, thinking fast] ...You get drawn and quartered?
- Marcus Vindictus: [TV edit] I don't think that's been invented yet. Who's got the encyclopedia? [a lieutenant brings him a "World Scroll", which MV skims] ...Ah, here it is...No, that one doesn't come along until the Dark Ages. Good guess, though. How about you?
- Onlooker #2: Crucifixion!
- Marcus Vindictus: Wrong; that's the penalty for high treason! Still, very good guess. And you?
- Onlooker #3: [TV edit] They force-feed you a mess of laxatives and then lock you in an airtight room, so that you choke to death on your own flatulence!
- Marcus Vindictus: [TV edit] Wow! Ah, that's not correct, but...Hey, are you writing this down? Who knows, we might have some work for this guy; come on, write it down! [He urgently taps the lieutenant, who proceeds to write it down]
- Roman Lieutenant: [TV edit, under his breath] Hm, a gas chamber... [chuckles] That'll never catch on.
- Marcus Vindictus: ...Over here?
- Onlooker #4: They send you to the lions!
- Marcus Vindictus: Right!
- Miriam: NO!
- Marcus Vindictus: What do you mean, no? He was right! If a slave strikes a citizen, the slave gets sent to the lions!
- Comicus: [to the Last Supper attendees] Are you all together or are there separate checks?
- Emperor Caesar: What's under the sheet?
- Marcus Vindictus: Sheet? Oh! Oh, the sheet. Yes. To begin with, number one, a beautiful hand-carved alabaster bathing vessel!
- Emperor Caesar: Nice. Nice. Not thrilling...but nice.
- Marcus: Aha! But to fill the tub, behind curtain number two, treasure from the Orient! [music starts to play]
- Emperor Caesar: Treasure. Bathtub... Treasure bath. I'm going to have a treasure bath! Treasure baaath! [laughs and screams]
- Marcus Vindictus: Oh, Nympho. I would do anything, anything if you'd only grant me your favors. How can I entice you? How can I ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant.
- Empress Nympho: Ahh, but the servant waits, while the master baits!
- [Emperor Caesar laughs, then pulls a serious face, then pulls a golden disc from his behind.]
- Emperor Caesar: Here, wash this.
- Servant: Oh, yes, sire.
- [He groans]
- Stoned Roman Soldier 1: So, do you care if it falls?
- Stoned Roman Soldier 2: What?
- Stoned Roman Soldier 1: The Roman Empire.
- Stoned Roman Soldier 2: Fuck it!
- Roman Soldier: Chemist, can you help me?
- Chemist: What are you looking for?
- Roman Soldier: A pack of Trojans.
- Chemist: Gee, I just ran out!
- Man Outside of the Temple of Eros: [Hugh Hefner cameo] It's a new concept. It's called a 'centerfold'.
- Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your left flank from your right flank?
- Captain Mucus: I'm sorry, sir, I flunked flank.
- Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank! Get the flunk out of here!
- Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
- Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
- Dole Office Clerk: What?
- Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapor of human experience into a viable and logical comprehension.
- Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a bullshit artist!
- Comicus: Hmmmmmm...
- Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
- Comicus: No.
- Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to bullshit last week?
- Comicus: Yes!
- Empress Nympho: [to her litter bearers] Could you please step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
- Jesus: One of you has already betrayed me this night.
- Various apostles: No!
- Comicus: Judas! [Judas yells in fright] Would you like some mulled wine?
- Judas: No. No. Leave us alone!
- Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus!
- Jesus: Yes.
- Comicus: What?
- Jesus: What?
- Comicus: What?
- Jesus: Yes.
- Comicus: Jesus!
- Jesus: Yes.
- Comicus: What?
- Jesus: What?
- Comicus: You said what.
- Jesus: Yes.
- Comicus: Nothing.
- Empress Nympho: Oh Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
- Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!
- Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
- Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!
- Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!
- Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
- Oedipus: [begging in the street] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!
- Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
- Miriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
- Comicus: Miracle. Uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
- Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin.
- Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that.
- Empress Nympho: I love quick time march.
The Spanish Inquisition
- Narrator: The year was 1489. The Black Plague ravaged the continent, it was the hour of the infamous, Auto de fé where, for public amusement, heretics and non-believers would be tortured in a carnival like atmosphere; and it was guided by the most fearful specter to ever sit in judgment over good and evil. The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.
- Chief Monk: All pay heed, now enters his holiness, Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition.
- Chief Monk: Torquemada, do not implore him for compassion. Torquemada, do not beg him for forgiveness. Torquemada, do not ask him for mercy. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada (talk him outta) anything!
- Torquemada: Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways and accept the true church, convert now, or forever burn in hell! For now begins the Inquisition!
- Jew: I was sitting in a temple,/ I was minding my own business,/ I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass./ Then these Papist persons plunge in/ and they throw me in a dungeon/ and they shove a red-hot poker up my ass!/ Is that considerate?/ Is that polite?/ And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
- Jew 2: I was sittin' flickin' chickens/ An' I was lookin' through the pickin's/ When suddenly these goys break down my walls/ I didn't even know them/ But they grab me by the scrotum/ And they started playin' Ping Pong with my balls/ Oy, the agony/ Ooh, the shame/ They make my privates public for a game?
- Monk: Who knows, Torque- you might win a buck!
- Monks: Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say?
- Torquemada: I just got back from the Auto de fé!
- Monks: Auto de fé? What's an Auto de fé?
- Torquemada: It's what you oughtn't to do, but you do anyway.
- Torquemada: It's better to loose your skullcap than your skull.
- Jewish Prisoners: Oy! Oy! Gavolt!
- Torquemada: How we doin', any converts today?
- Guards: Not a one, nay nay nay.
- Torquemada: We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns, nothing is working...send in the nuns!
- Everybody: [singing] The Inquisition, what a show!/ The Inquisition, here we go!/ We know you're wishin', that we go away!/ So come on you Muslims and you Jews,/ We've got big news for all of youse!/ You better change your point of view today!/ 'Cause the Inquisition is here/ and here...to... stay!
The French Revolution
- Impoverished Paris Street Merchant: Rats, rats for sale. Get your rats. Good for rat stew, rat soup, rat pies, or the ever-popular ratatouille.
- Other Street Merchant: Nothing, I have absolutely nothing for sale!
- Count De Monet: I have come on the most urgent of business. It is said that the people are revolting!
- King Louis: You said it; they stink on ice.
- Madame Defarge: We don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!
- Peasant Man: Yeah she's right. We all sound like Maurice Chevalier. Honh, honh, honh!
- Madame Defarge: Now, repeat after me. [cough, cough, cough]
- Peasants: Cough, cough, cough.
- Madame Defarge: No, no, no. Dumb scum. I mean death to King Louiiiiiiiis!
- Peasants: Death to King Louiiiiiiiis!
- Madame Defarge: Let us end this meeting on a high note. [hits a high A] Eeeeeeee!
- Peasants: Eeeeeee!
- Count De Monet: Your Majesty- you look like the piss boy!
- King Louis: And you look like a bucket of shit!
- King Louis: It's good to be the king.
- King Louis: Of course ya do it. Everybody does it. I just did it, and I'm ready to do it again.
- King Louis: They are my people! I am their sovereign! I LOVE Them. Pull! [shoots peasant flung into air] Drifting to the left...
- Count De Monet: Oh! But with this long trip and this exhausting conversation, I'm famished!
- Count De Monet: Bernaise?
- Bernaise: Yes?
- Count De Monet: Do we have any of those delicious raisins left?
- Bernaise: You ate yours, these are mine.
- Count de Monet: Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over!
- Bernaise: [mimicking] Au contraire, I paid for them! There - they're mine! [blows a raspberry]
- Count De Monet: Don't be saucy with me, Bernaise. Hmm-mm.
- Bernaise: [mouths] Bitch.
- Bernaise: You should get rid of your tailor.
- Bernaise: I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs. A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his peepee! Yours are all the way down to your balls!
- Count De Monet: At least I have them.
- Bernaise: You bitch.
- Count de Monet: Gerald!
- Gerald: Count da Money!
- Count de Monet: de Monet... Monet! Say it! Monet!
- Gerald and Count de Monet: Moonnet, Moonnet, Moonnet
- Gerald, Count de Monet, Bearnaise: Mooonnnet!
- Count de Monet: Perfect, don't forget! Give it to me again! Monet.
- Gerald and Bernaise: Monet.
- Count de Monet: Very good, where is his majesty?
- Gerald: Sir, the King is playing Chess.
- Bernaise: Chess!?! I hate Chess!
- [King Louis is playing chess on a giant chessboard]
- King Louis: Knight jumps Queen! Bishop jumps Queen! Pawns jump Queen! Gangbang! Come on jump the Queen!
- Assistant: Are you going to speak to his majesty?
- Count de Monet: Perhaps later. We've had such a bouncy journey I simply must relieve myself. Where is the Garçon de Piss?
Preview of Part II
- See: Hitler On Ice
- See: A Viking Funeral
- See: Jews In Space
Taglines
- Ten million years in the making. The truth, the whole truth, and everything, but the truth!
- A little something to offend everyone...
- IN MEL WE TRVST
Cast
- Orson Welles - Narrator
- Mel Brooks - Moses, Comicus, Tomas de Torquemada, Louis XVI of France and Jacques le Garçon de Pisse
- Dom DeLuise - Emperor Nero
- Madeline Kahn - Empress Nympho
- Harvey Korman - Count de Monet
- Cloris Leachman - Madame Defarge
- Ron Carey - Swiftus Lazarus
- Gregory Hines - Flavius Josephus
- Pamela Stephenson - Mademoiselle Rimbaud
- Spike Milligan - Monsieur Rimbaud
- Andreas Voutsinas - Béarnaise
- Shecky Greene - Marcus Vindictus
- Sid Caesar - Chief Caveman
- Bea Arthur - Dole office clerk
- Mary-Margaret Humes - Miriam
- Paul Mazursky - Roman officer
- Hugh Hefner - Roman outside Temple of Eros
- Barry Levinson - Column Salesman
- Charlie Callas - Soothsayer
- John Hurt - Jesus Christ
- Andrew Sachs - Gerard
External links
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