12 Chairs

• Hope for the best. Expect the worst.
  The world's a stage. We're unrehearsed.
  • Chorus

Blazing Saddles

• Jim "The Waco Kid": My name is Jim, most people call me... Jim.

• Sheriff Bart: Good mornin', ma'am! And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
  Old Woman: Up yours, nigger!
  Jim "The Waco Kid": [consoling Bart afterwards]: What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers … these are people of the land … the common clay of the New West. You know – morons.

• Sheriff Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out.

• Sheriff Bart: Where the white women at?

• Railway Worker: You shifty nigger! They said you was hung!
  Sheriff Bart : And they was right!

• Sheriff Bart [waking up a drunk Jim in jail]: Are we awake?
  Jim "The Waco Kid": We don't know. Are we black?
  Sheriff Bart: Yes we are.
  Jim "The Waco Kid": Then we're awake, but we're very puzzled.

• Sheriff Bart: Since I am your host and you are my guest what are your hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time?
  Jim "The Waco Kid": Oh you know, play chess...screw.
  Sheriff Bart: Well let's play chess!

History of the World, Part I

• Josephus: I'm Josephus, and I'm the main course over at the Colosseum!
• Count de Monet [consistently mispronounced as "count da money"]: Bearnaise, do we have any of those delicious raisins left?
  Bearnaise: You ate yours. These are mine.
  Count de Monet: Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over!
  Bearnaise [sotto voce, mimicking]: 'I paid for them! They're mine!' [Blows a raspberry]
  Count de Monet: Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise.
• Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting
  King Louis XVI : You said it. They stink on ice.
• Impoverished Paris Street Merchant (Jack Carter): Rats, rats for sale. Get your rats. Good for rat stew, rat soup, or the ever-popular ratatouille.
• Other Street Merchant:Nothing, I have absolutely nothing for sale!
• King Louis XVI [prior to his arrest]: It's good to be the king. (Also used in Robin Hood- Men In Tights and The Producers [Musical])
• Tomás de Torquemada: It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull.
• Moses : God has given us these fifteen— (after dropping one of the tablets) Oy! Ten — ten commandments!
• Revolutionary Leader: And now, let us end this meeting on a high note. [Proceeds to sing a sharp high note, followed by the rest of the revolutionaries.]
• Jail Inmates: Eighty fff....Eighty fff....Eighty fff....Eighty fff....Eighty Six!

Robin Hood: Men in Tights

• Ahchoo:Man, white men can't jump!!
• King Richard: From this day forward, all toilets in this kingdom shall be known as...'Johns'!
• Little John: Let's face it — you've got to be a man to wear tights!
• Man In Front of Castle: Hey Abbot!
• Townspeople: A black sheriff?
  Blinkin: He's Black?!
  Ahchoo: Why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
• Robin Hood: Watch my back!
  Achoo: Yo' back just got punched twice.
• Will Scarlet Blinkin, fix your boobs, you look like a bleeding Picasso.
• Blinkin Aaahhhh, you lost your arms in battle, but you grew some nice boobs (Blinkin gropes the Venus De Milo statue left behind after creditors take away Loxley Castle)
• Robin Hood: Because unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a English accent.
• Sheriff of Rotingham King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!

Spaceballs

• Dark Helmet: I see your schwartz is as big as mine.

• Radar Officer: I've lost the sweeps, the bleeps, and the creeps! [Explains via vocal sound effects]
  Dark Helmet [aside to Colonel Sandurz]: That's not all he's lost.

• Dark Helmet : What? You went over my helmet?

• President Skroob: What the hell, it works on Star Trek!

• Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz... chicken?!

• Dark Helmet [after everyone on the bridge announces that their last name is "Asshole."]: I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes.

• Lonestar: That's all we needed, a Druish Princess!
  • In the director's commentary Brooks states: I'm both proud and ashamed of that line.

• Dark Helmet : So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

The Producers

Springtime, for Hitler, and Germany
Winter, for Poland and France!

How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

• Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

• Max Bialystock: I'm wearing a cardboard belt!

• Stormtrooper Mel : Don't be stupid, be a smarty
  Come and join the Nazi Party!

• LSD as Adolf Hitler: Heil Baby!

• Lead Tenor Stormtrooper: Springtime, for Hitler, and Germany
  Winter, for Poland and France!

• Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

• Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
  Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

Young Frankenstein

• Igor: My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.
• Igor (limping off): Walk this way — and Dr. Frankenstein limps off after him.
• Dr. Frankenstein:: Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags?
  Igor:: [doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban.
• Igor:: Sed-a...
  Inga:: Sed-a...
  Igor:: Dirty word! He said a dirty word!
• Dr. Frankenstein Damn your eyes!
  Igor (pointing at his lazy eye) Too late!

The 2,000 Year Old Man (and sequels)

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

• As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.

• If they [presidents] can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country.

• To me, tragedy is if I'll cut my finger, that's tragedy...Comedy is if you walk into an open sewer and die.

• [explaining that Paul Revere was Anti-Semitic] He was scared they were moving into the neighborhood. "They're coming, they're coming. The Yiddish, they're coming"

• After I eat asparagus...

• You know Cuneiform? You know Sanskrit? It's neither of those.

• Angel of Death ain't kissing me! I'm full of garlic!

• It's Wheird, there's an H in there. Gotta hit that H otherwise they think I'm some sort of a kook!

• [on ancient poetry] Nog Nog! Mkellen bebog! V'luch Matuch Maluch M'tog!
  • Translation: Beans Beans! The musical fruits! The more you eat...

• [on the greatest invention] Liquid Prell.

• No! You don't wear a hat on your gentles! You wear a hat on your head where you're supposed to wear a hat!

• [On Churchill's Accent] "Ve must conquer da Narjies!" Now, we were fighting and killing Nazis. We all left and went looking for Narjies!

To Be Or Not To Be (1983)

• Excuse me, is this England?
  • While in a Adolf Hitler costume, after crash landing in England at the height of the Battle of Britain.

Miscellaneous

• Who's the dummy writing this show?!
  • As the voice over for a small curly haired man in a series of cartoons for The Electric Company, also repeated at the end of the Electric Company record.^{[specific citation needed]}