Ballrooms and Biscotti

Lorelai: It's a boy! Oh, I know nothing about little boys!

Sookie: Me neither.

Lorelai: So are you going to name him Lorelai?

Sookie: Absolutely, that wouldn't be confusing at all...

Rory: I may have given [Babette] an itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.

Lorelai: ... Reality has absolutely no place in our world!

Rory: Who are the rosary beads for?

Lorelai: They're mine

Rory: What do you need rosary beads for?

Lorelai: They're cute.

Rory: They're for prayer.

Lorelai: Well, pray they match my blue suit.

Rory: They've just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.

Lorelai: Come on, Rory. We will be going to dinner there next week and every week for the rest of our lives. And I mean the rest of our lives, because my parents will outlive us. The damned can do that.

The Lorelais' First Day At Yale

Lorelai: This is a misogynistic truck.

Luke: What?

Lorelai: It's anti-woman, it's gender-selective, it's "Oh, let's drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up."

Lorelai: Well, I can't take it back to Yale.

Luke: I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.

Lorelai: Well, then I'm stuck here.

Luke: Fine, because I need my truck back.

Lorelai: Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.

Luke: I'm not taking the mattress.

Lorelai: Then let me take the truck.

Luke: But that means you take the mattress.

Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.

Luke: Then you can't have the truck.

Lorelai: But that sticks you with the mattress.

Luke: If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.

Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.

Luke: Then you can't have the truck.

Lorelai: And that sticks you with the mattress.

Luke: We've been here before.

Lorelai: I recognize that tree.

Rory: You never socialized me properly, I should hate you right now. Do something to make me hate you.

Lorelai: Um...go Hitler!

Russell: I'm Russell Bynes. I'm with Blodgett, Sage, Albet, Pettruccio, Stein, Lemming, and Stein, attorneys for Nicole Diana Leahy.

Luke: And the sun just went down, thanks for coming.

Russell: Pardon me?

Luke: You're wasting your time. I had a simple question, where do I sign? It didn't require a personal visit.

Russell: Whoa, whoa, there's no place to sign because this is just a document informing the defendant of the type of action being filed.

Luke: What are you talking about? Who's the defendant?

Russell: You are.

Luke: Oh my God.

Russell: Didn't you read the papers?

Luke: Yeah, the Red Sox lost by three, Bush is at the ranch chatting up a Swiss dude.

Russell: The divorce papers.

Luke: I know what you meant. Look, I didn't kill anyone. Nicole and I just kind of accidentally got married and now we want out. We both want the same thing.

Russell: Don't try to play me, Mr. Danes.

Luke: I'm too busy for this.

Russell: Fine, because I should just be dealing with your legal representation.

Luke: I don't believe this.

Russell: Not giving us your lawyer's information is only going to prolong the process.

Luke: Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?

Russell: I will leave.

Luke: Okay, you ready?

Russell: Yes.

Luke: His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey. . .

Russell: Dewey.

Luke: Cheatham...

Russell: Cheatham.

Luke: And Howe.

Russell: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.

Luke: Yeah, well, tickled me.

Russell: My bosses are gonna wanna hear this.

Luke: Oh, come on, they've heard that one before. Oh, hey, if you want Don's number, it's 555-5555.

Mr. Stein 1: Mr. Danes, a marriage contract is a contract just like any other.

Mr. Stein 2: As the higher wage earner, Nicole wants a fair settlement.

Luke: But I want nothing from her, so there's nothing to settle, Mr. . . what's your name again?

Mr. Stein 1: My name is Stein.

Luke: I thought you were Stein.

Luke: Well, then I'm confused.

Mr. Blodgett: Mr. Danes, I'm an impatient man, I'm a busy man, I'm a sensible man, I'm a skeptical man.

Luke: Oh, you're four different men, huh? Well, are they all named Stein, too?

Mr. Blodgett: If there's one thing I've learned in this business, it's that no one wants nothing.

Mr. Stein 2: Why won't you hire a lawyer?

Luke: Why? Because lawyers waste time and money. They're needless middlemen who slither into people's lives when they're at their most vulnerable so they can clamp on and suck like leeches until everyone but them is distraught and penniless.

Mr. Stein 1: Well, I can see why the marriage went bad.

Mr. Blodgett: Here's fair warning, Mr. Danes - if you don't hire a lawyer, you could wind up getting absolutely nothing.

Luke: That's what I want!

The Hobbit, The Sofa and Digger Stiles

Lorelai: My mother — she was here. I can feel it. Smell that? The room smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5.

Rory: It's shopping week.

Lorelai: Isn't it always?

Rory: The first week of school is called shopping week. You get to try out as many classes as you want before you pick the ones you want to stick with for the semester. I picked over fifty classes I'm gonna try out, plus another ten I'm gonna squeeze in if I have the time. They all sound completely amazing. I stayed up all night reading the class subscriptions over and over.

Lorelai: You do know that if you weren't so pretty, you would've gotten the crap kicked out of you every day of your life.

Lorelai: They burnt my fries, forgot to give me an extra side of barbecue sauce, the jeep is making that crunchy sound again, and I have to spend my evening making elf ears for Aaron Thompson's Lord of the Rings party.

Rory: Grandma broke into my dorm and redid the entire common room in $25,000 worth of furniture and stereo equipment.

Lorelai: You win.

Lorelai: Well, you could come out and say, "Grandma, this furniture is very nice. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a dorm room, and I cannot guarantee that the other people will love it as much as I do, and I worry about expensive equipment getting stolen, and it's just maybe too much right now."

Rory: That sounds good.

Lorelai: Okay. And then my mother will say, "Rory, your grandfather and I are paying for you to go to Yale. We are enabling you to have this rarefied education, and you're being ungrateful and small-minded, and I resent it. I am hurt on a level you will not be able to understand until you yourself have a daughter or a granddaughter who will cut your heart out the way you've just cut mine out, and I hope that small veneer of independence that you've extracted from this incident is worth the complete and total alienation of the grandparents who have done nothing but love you and thought of you only."

Rory: Or I could keep the furniture.

Lorelai: And take heart in knowing that when it comes to controlling a person, my mother targeted my soul, my independence, and my entire future, and at least with you, she threw in an ottoman.

Sookie: A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you.

Lorelai: Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They're like golden retrievers.

Sookie: You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors.

Lorelai: Wow, now you can't have kids or live next door to them.

Chicken or Beef

Lorelai: And apparently, now that I'm the pretty spinster living all alone, he's concerned for my safety.

Rory: Did he tell you all this?

Lorelai: Do you think I labeled myself the pretty spinster?

Lorelai: Remember in The Godfather, Michael telling Sonny how he was gonna kill Tattaglia and Captain McCluskey in that Italian restaurant? He lays out the whole thing very calmly, very unemotionally, 'cause that's what you do in business.

Rory: Yeah, but then he went and shot two guys in the head.

Lorelai: It's dirty, that's what business is. It's smoke-filled back rooms with exposed pipes and shady players chewing on fat cigars and twirling their dirty mustaches. And when you go into those rooms, you can't be a milquetoast muppet. You have to have pointy teeth and jaws that snap. The meek shall not inherit the earth!

Kirk: My family tree dates back to a 12th-century knight.

Lorelai: Wow.

Kirk: As a kid, I thought that meant we were related to Ted Knight. I wrote him a lot of letters. He never responded.

Rory: Oh my god! This is incredible. I mean its called Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate, but it is seriously Chocolate Chocolate Chocolaty. [Lorelai points to Taylor] Sorry.

The Fundamental Things Apply

Babette: [about planting bulbs] Oh, and just you wait 'til spring. You're gonna wake up one morning, walk out, and pow - color coming out of your yin-yang! I'll see you girls tomorrow. [goes into her house]

Lorelai: I'm going to have color coming out of my yin-yang.

Rory: Then maybe you'll finally get a man.

Luke: I'm just having a bad day.

Lorelai: Zzz.

Luke: What?

Lorelai: Days. You've been stomping around, barking at people for days.

Luke: I have not.

Lorelai: Yes, Cujo, you have.

Luke: I always talk to people like that.

Lorelai: No, Benji, you don't.

Luke: I'll be fine tomorrow.

Lorelai: Really, Lassie? Why is that?

Emily: I just found out that Sookie was pregnant!

Lorelai: Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.

Emily: It's bad enough that you haven't taught your daughter how to interact with the opposite sex. You will not dress her up in one of your Sex and the City ensembles and send her out to tell the entire campus, "Don't worry. I'll ask you."

Lorelai: How do you know about Sex and the City?

Luke: What's that?

Lorelai: Okay, um. . .A, um, no talking during the movie, and B, don't tell me you've never seen the FBI warning before.

Luke: It's new to me.

Lorelai: Oh, my God. You're beyond monk. You're uber-monk.

Luke: Just start it up. I won't talk again.

Lorelai: Okay, just one more warning - when they showed the first motion picture over a hundred years ago, it featured a train rushing toward the camera, and, um, people were so sure the train was going to burst off the screen and crush them that they ran away in terror. Now, Luke, the train is not going to leave the screen.

An Affair to Remember

Kirk: Say I was Tom Cruise, where would you seat me?

Luke: In an acting class.

Luke: I don't have time to kill you right now, Kirk. Come back in a couple of hours.

Emily: Flying, thumping balls all over the place.

Lorelai: Flying, thumping what all over the place?

Emily: Balls.

[Lorelai giggles]

Emily: You are four.

Lorelai: And balls are funny.

Sookie: We did it, we got the job! What a score! We landed a whale.

Lorelai: Yeah, we always had the job, Sookie. The whale was just toying with us. She was swatting us with her tail and hosing us down with her blowhole because that is the whale's M.O. - humiliate and rip apart every other fish in the sea until there's nothing left but a bloody pile of chum.

Sookie: Boy, you really hate whales, don't you?

Lorelai: Mom?

Emily: Were you asleep?

Lorelai: Uh... no.

Emily: Then why are you in your pyjamas?

Lorelai: These aren't pyjamas...

Emily: You wear that in public??

Lorelai: ... Hi mom, would you like to come in?

Emily: You have the word "juicy" on your rear end!

Lorelai: Well, if I'd known you were coming over I would have changed.

Emily: Into what? A brassiere with the word "tasty" on it?

The Festival of Living Art

Taylor: "The Last Supper" cannot be funky.

Miss Patty: Yeah, Taylor, you finally did something right. [Taylor looks annoyed/angry] Your beard is so sexy.

Taylor: I will be managing the event and emceeing. Uh, Miss Patty, you will be stage-managing. Uh, Lorelai, if you could help organize the costumes?

Lorelai: I'm here for you and your sexy beard, Taylor.

Rory: Well, if they want an Anthea for "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea," then they're going to have to have you for the Renoir.

[The band is talking about Dave Rigalski's new replacement, Gil]

Zach: Right here. [points to his eyes] He's got some lines. That blows my mind.

Brian: What is he, late thirties?

Zach: Approaching forty.

Lane: Forty?

Brian: He was alive before man walked on the moon.

Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.

Lane Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.

Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.

Brian: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.

Lane This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...

Zach: Elderly.

Lane Excited.

Brian: He was our age when we were born.

Lane He thinks we're great.

Brian: There were no CDs when he was born.

Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.

Lane Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.

Brian: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.

Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.

Lane You want to stop the audition?

Brian: We shouldn't be rude.

Lane Good.

Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.

Die, Jerk

Lorelai: So, Davey, beautiful day, huh? What would you like to discuss? Middle East peace, the space program? I'm sorry, what's that? Oh, my God. He said, "The answer to the problems in the Mideast is, 'I have to poop.'"

Sookie: He got distracted.

Rory: More broccoli, Grandpa?

Richard: Absolutely. Staves off the cancer.

Lorelai: Staves off my appetite.

Emily: You really should eat more green things, Lorelai.

Lorelai: I plan to eat a five-dollar bill later tonight.

Rory: Oh, have you seen the new twenties? They have a little peach color in 'em.

Lorelai: Peach, perfect. I'll eat a new twenty, I'll have my fruits and vegetables.

Lane: Remember when I was a kid, my mother showed me the special jug that's been passed down in my family for years and years in a long-standing Kim tradition that she is personally going to present to the boy I'm going to wed?

Rory: Oh, my God. The marriage jug?

Lane: The marriage jug.

Rory: She's sending Dave the marriage jug? What does that mean?

Lane: I'm guessing it means she's reserving a hall and ordering that "Stations of the Cross" ice sculpture.

Lorelai: Hi, hon. Jason, this is my daughter, Rory. Rory, Jason.

Rory: Right, Scooper.

Lorelai: Digger.

Rory: Sorry. Digger.

Jason: It's nice to meet you. And I don't really go by Digger anymore.

Lorelai: What is it, P. Digger now?

Lorelai: Twenty-three is old. It's almost twenty-five, which is, like, almost mid-twenties.

Rory: She did not say that.

Lorelai: She did say that.

Rory: It seems a little wrong that Jessica Simpson is alive and well and Roy got eaten by his tiger.

Ted Koppel's Big Night Out

[Rory notices Luke's new waiter.]

Rory: Oh, my god.

Lorelai: What?

Rory: He hired Brennon Lewis.

Lorelai: And?

Rory: Ew!

Lorelai: He doesn't look that bad.

Rory: He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands, and then ate a sandwich.

Lorelai: Ew!

Rory: He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He watched The Breakfast Club and decided to tape his own butt cheeks together.

Jason: [leaving a message for Lorelai] OK, see, a better man, a smarter man, a different man would take into account the fact that flowers, candy, and numerous phone calls have gone completely unnoticed by you. Those men would get a clue, have some pride, grow a pair and move on. Oh well. Lorelai Gilmore, daughter of Richard and Emily, mother of Rory, and friend to all, would you join me for dinner on Saturday night? Please call me back, because I will some day find my pathetic threshold and stop trying.

Richard: I like that boy.

Lorelai: Prove it. Drop your pants!

Lorelai: Oh, wait, are you Pennilyn Lott, my dad's college sweetheart?

Pennilyn: Yes.

Lorelai: You're my almost-mommy.

Pennilyn: Well, I suppose you could put it that way.

Lorelai: I'm so glad to finally meet you. Let me ask you something - would you have let me get a pony?

Lorelai: Where are you going?

Jason: Just watch my Snow Balls, please.

Lorelai: Not on the first date, mister.

The Nanny and the Professor

Lorelai: Marzipan's not candy! It's a unique substance unto itself, like Velveeta or plutonium.

Doyle: What is this?

Rory: Strawberry ice cream.

Doyle: It has strawberries in it.

Rory: I don't even know how to respond to that.

Rory: Yes, what about that? This guy's risking everything - his job, his reputation.

Lorelai: Yes, well. . .he'll always have Paris.

Rory: How long have you been waiting with that one?

Lorelai: I just had a feeling the opportunity would present itself eventually.

Rory: Maybe it's a phase. It'll pass.

Lorelai: Oh, yeah, or he will.

Rory: No, I don't wanna know where you were, and I don't wanna know what you were doing or who you were doing it with. I had to cover for you when Doyle noticed that you were gone, so I told him that you were at a family thing, and as far as I'm concerned, that's where you were - at your family thing. And in the future, I want nothing to do with anything to do with what you were doing tonight or who you were doing it with, especially who! Now, go to sleep.

Paris: I smell like pipe tobacco.

Rory: Oh, jeez.

Lorelai: Um, listen, we should talk about what we're gonna do.

Jason: About what?

Lorelai: I mean, you know, what we're gonna, uh, say to people about us.

Jason: Hm, how about "yahoo"?

Lorelai: No, I'm talking about what we're gonna say to my parents about us.

Jason: Oh, well, I thought we'd say that we're having repeated sexual encounters out of wedlock continuously as Catholic schoolchildren are walking by.

In the Clamor and the Clangor

Lane: You told me the Cookie Monster was one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

Mrs. Kim: Gluttony.

Lorelai: You want me to call you at Yale in the middle of the night so I can say, "Hey, drive 20 miles to stand in the snow with Mommy"?

Rory: Yes.

Lorelai: And then we take the "Craziest Mother-Daughter" title from Judy and Liza.

Lorelai: Hey! I sat up with you all night when you had the chicken pox. I held your hands so that you couldn't scratch your face and scar your perfect skin. You look that way because of me.

Rory: Night, mom.

Lorelai: But, ah, the chicken pox!

Rory: Beefaroni, it's calling you!

Luke: Okay, now just hold the flashlight, do not do any moving spotlight gags and point it at me and yell "Freeze, drop your weapons."

Lorelai: [laughs] How about if I shine it on the wall and do a dirty hand puppet show?

Luke: Just stand back so the lightning only strikes you.

Luke: Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one. [Lorelai opens her mouth to speak] Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy. Hold these. [Gives her tools]

A Family Matter

Lorelai: Are you doing like a Mrs. Robinson thing with my mother?

Jason: Yes. I was visiting Richard one day and he stepped out and Emily lit a cigarette and did that triangle thing with her thigh.

Lorelai: Was she at the professor's again last night?

Rory: Yes, but she claims she was up all night cramming.

Lorelai: Well, she was.

Rory: Oh, ick!

[Jess returns to Stars Hollow to retrieve the car that Luke stole from him.]

Luke: So, you got anything you wanna say?

Jess:... You coulda washed it once in a while?

Luke: Okay, fine. The car is yours. Our business here is done. Hasta la vista. Have a nice life.

Jess: Our business here is NOT done. My car is wrecked because of you!

Luke: Oh, yeah?

Jess: 3 of the tires are leaking, it's got no oil, the floats in the carburetor are probably cracked so it's back-firing like mad. I mean, people were DUCKING when I was driving by. Then it stalled and wouldn't start.

Luke: Well, you can find Mr. Goodwrench in the yellow pages, I think it's under M, or is it G? I can never tell with those kinds of things.

Jess: You're paying for the repairs.

Luke: Oh, don't make me laugh.

Jess: It's broken because of you.

Luke: That thing was a piece of junk to begin with; the paint is the only thing holding it together!

Jess: And the expired registration? I'm gonna have to pay a fine!

Luke: So, I guess it didn't work out with your dad, huh?

Jess: It worked out fine.

Luke: So, what are you doing back East, buddy? Still searchin'?

Jess: Been travelin'.

Luke: Well, thanks for all the swell cards and letters you sent while you were away.

Jess: You kicked me out! What were you expecting, a candygram?!

Luke: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.

Jess: Nice spin, you should work for Bush!

Luke: So what did you get out of this Kerouac trip of yours? You write the great American novel or something? You learn how to play the harmonica?

Jess: What do you care? You're not my guardian anymore.

Luke: And I bless every day that I'm not.

Jess: Well, when you're not good at something, it's best to cut and run.

Luke: Aww, sorry I tried to give you a decent life, Jess. Sorry I didn't think driving a fork-lift for the rest of your life was good enough for you.

Jess: Oh, that is condescending, isn't it? I thought you were a friend of the working man.

Luke: Oh, that sister of mine, what a prize. What a prize!

Jess: What does she have to do with any of this?

Luke: I tell her about the car, she runs and tells you. That's what happened, right? And her claiming she had no contact.

Jess: Again, the car is mine! Liz was doing the right thing. That's what family does!

Luke: Family? What a joke coming from you.

Jess: Go clean your counters, I'm tired.

Rory: That had all the tact of a Nazi stormtrooper.

Paris: I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here.

Rory: This is not May-December. This is May-Ming Dynasty.

Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospels

Lorelai: I'm going to go make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken.

Rory: That's going on your tombstone.

Lorelai: If you're here, then who's this?

Rory: I don't know.

Lorelai: We have a stranger in our house!

Rory: Robert Downey Jr.?

Lorelai: Or a murderer!

Rory: Who needed a nap before committing his crime?

Lorelai: [answering the phone] Hello?

Emily: It's a complete disaster!

Lorelai: My existence?

Emily: Not everything is about you, Lorelai.

Luke: You talked to Liz?

Lorelai: I thought she was you.

Luke: I'm a man.

Lorelai: Well, she was in your truck.

Luke: When I'm in my truck, I'm still a man.

Rory: So who else is joining us?

Emily: No one. We brought one of Richard's coats to hang over the chair.

Richard: We're saying it's Marjorie's husband.

Emily: He's making the rounds and at about eight he'll get sick and have to leave.

Richard: Does everybody understand the story?

Lorelai: I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor, then Rory can dig a tunnel, and --

Emily: I might have known you'd turn this into something ridiculous, Lorelai.

Rory: Yeah, I wanna be the doctor.

The Incredible Shrinking Lorelais

Lorelai: Hi, Rory, it's me. How's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you. And hopefully, you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride, and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down, and you sort of rolled off into the ditch. It's really not likely to happen again. I promise. So, call me, call me. [puts phone away as Tom walks by] Hey, Tom, how do you like our new horses?

Tom: Very fragrant.

Rory: Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home, too. I love that you got horses. As far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you were forgetting one little tidbit there. That pony did not lie down. He died, okay? He died. And then the owner dragged him away by the back legs. Every time I use glue, I think of him. But I'll watch you ride, how's that? Call me back, bye.

Rory: Okay, well, I wrote something down here, but I cannot for the life of me read my own handwriting. Seriously, if I had this analyzed, Charlize Theron would be playing me in a movie… 'Cause I'd be a serial killer, and pretty girls like to get fat and play serial killers 'cause they win an Oscar and - I'm sorry, should I go on?

Paris: I just don't want to walk into our bathroom and find him sitting on the john shooting up steroids.

Janet: He does not take steroids.

Paris: You mean that unsightly girth is nature given? He must curse God nightly.

Rory: He's big, Paris. She got it.

Paris: And why does he have his name written on the back? So it's easy to check when he forgets it? Although if he checks it while he's wearing it, he'd have to look in a mirror, and then he'd probably think his name was Dlobeelk, and get confused all over again.

Janet: Bitter little woman.

Scene in a Mall

Lorelai: I am sorry but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess.

Rory: I could have sworn I told you.

Lorelai: I just reread every e-mail you sent in the last 10 days. No sickness mentioned, but you did share these gems: "What up? Is it freezing there too? Ice". And, "Phew, Pooped". Then you added one of those obnoxious hieroglyphics that I can never read that indicate you're laughing or smiling or frowning or vomiting.

Rory: That's a typo. I don't do cutesy symbols.

Lorelai: You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs.

Rory: Yours aren't much better.

Salesperson: Mrs. Gilmore. Did I know you were coming?

Emily: Not unless you're clairvoyant.

Emily: Add an assortment of jewelry suitable for a man with a mustache. What would that be: bracelets, pinky rings?

Lorelai: Does Dad even want any of this stuff?

Emily: He doesn't know what he wants, Lorelai, so I choose what he wants. [stops in front of globe] Excuse me!

Salesperson: Yes?

Emily: I want this.

Salesperson: I'm sorry ma'am, that's just a display. It's not for sale.

Emily: Everything is for sale.

Salesperson: I will take care of it.

The Reigning Lorelai

[Emily's friend "Sweetie" has just passed away.]

Lorelai: Was that her real name — "Sweetie"?

Emily: No, her name was "Melinda". "Sweetie" was a nickname.

Lorelai: Why?

Emily: What do you mean, why?

Lorelai: I mean, how did they get "Sweetie" from "Melinda"?

Emily: They didn't get "Sweetie" from "Melinda". "Sweetie" is a nickname.

Lorelai: Yes, I know "Sweetie" was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.

Emily: She was sweet. That's the story.

Lorelai: Okay.

Emily:: She had a very sweet nature.

Lorelai: Hmm.

Emily: Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?

Lorelai: No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her "Sweetie". It's a good story.

Emily: No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?

Lorelai: Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's…

Emily: All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man — so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name "Sweetie". There, how was that?

Lorelai: Now, that was a pretty good story.

Rory: Nigella just made a raisin cake that looked so good, the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant.

Lorelai: Well, good, more ordering choices.

Rory: Oh, my God, she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar. I want to move in with her and call her Mommy. Do you mind?

Lorelai: You know, it's so weird. I know so little about Gran. I mean, like, what was her maiden name?

Emily: Gilmore.

Lorelai: No, no, her maiden name.

Emily: Gilmore.

Lorelai: Wait. Y-you're not saying -

Emily: She and Charles were second cousins.

Lorelai: Ew! What?!

Emily: Oh, don't act so scandalized. It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed.

Lorelai: Keeping the bloodlines closed. Is that what we're calling it?

Emily: Well, what would you call it?

Lorelai: Oh, I don't know. How about "Good morning, Appalachia, I got a mighty cute sister and an extra set of toes."

Emily: This is to your father. It's a carbon copy of a letter she sent to your father.

Lorelai: Hmm. That's nice.

Emily: [reading] "My Dearest Richard, It is with heavy heart that I write you this letter tonight, but I cannot stand by and let you make a terrible mistake. Until now, I had thought, hoped, prayed that you would come to the same conclusion that I have. But you have not, and therefore, I feel it is my duty as your mother to beg you to reconsider your impending marriage." [Lorelai gasps.] "I'm sure that Emily is a very suitable woman for someone, but not for you. She will not be able to make you happy. She does not have the Gilmore stamina or spark. She is simply not a Gilmore."

Lorelai: Well, sure, 'cause you weren't directly related to him.

Emily: [continues reading] "I don't know the circumstances surrounding your breakup with Pennilyn Lott, but it is still my belief that she is much better suited for you than Emily." [Voice breaking] "I know that the timing of this is particularly awkward, since you are to be married tomorrow."

Lorelai: No way!

Emily: [reading] "But your happiness is too important to me, so timing be damned."

Sookie: I was just wondering if it's going to be okay to set up a buffet in the dining room.

Emily: I don't know. What do you think Pennilyn Lott would do? You think she'd set it up in the dining room? Because personally, I think we should just toss some cheese cubes in the coffin, stuff some toothpicks in her mouth, and let the people go to town.

Sookie: Is she serious?

Girls in Bikinis, Boys Doin' the Twist

Rory: It's "Girls Gone Wild," and boys doing the twist. We're not spring-breaky people, are we?

Paris: I don't know what we are, but I am so cold right now that the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys seems like a very good trade off for being warm.

Rory: Warm...

Paris: Warm...

Rory: You're not worried, are you? Because I'm just going for the sun and to read, nothing more.

Lorelai: I know, I know. It's just, it's always the good kids who've never had a drink that take one sip of Kahlua and fall out of a window.

Rory: So you're sad you never taught me how to drink?

Lorelai: Exactly!

Rory: Well, grab a bottle and some quarters and let's go.

...

Lorelai: No falling out of windows.

Rory: Not even a first floor one.

Lorelai: And don't drink. And after you're done not drinking, drink tons of water and take two aspirin before you go to bed.

Madeline: We found that if we kiss each other, we can get anything we want from guys.

Louise: Free drinks, food...

Madeline: T-shirts, boat rides, Frisbees...

Louise: Earrings, Seadoos...

Rory: Okay. Well, that is a good tip.

Paris: Yeah, maybe later I'll pants you for an Altoid.

Rory: [Talking on cell phone]: Okay, forget I said "giant Q-tips." They're not hitting each other with giant Q-tips. [Referring to a couple boys fighting with Pugil sticks American Gladiator-style]

Lorelai: But now I can't get giant Q-tips out of my head. It's too powerful a visual.

Rory: I know, I'm sorry.

Lorelai: So how is it?

Rory: It's good so far.

Lorelai: Yeah, how good?

Rory: I haven't had a drink yet.

Lorelai: OK, you sure you weren't drinking and that's why you think they're giant Q-tips?

Rory: Um... maybe.

Lorelai: What just happened?

[No response]

Lorelai: You sound distracted, did something cute just walk by?

Luke: [on Lorelai’s answering machine] Hey, it’s Luke. I’m sorry to be calling you like this, but I was wondering if when you get this message if you could come pick me up, ’cause I need a ride. I’m in Lichtfield, the corner of Mason and Pine. It’s a big white building, you’ll recognize it by the police sign outside, ’cause oh hell, I’m in jail. Okay, there, I said it. It’s a long story, I’ll tell you when you get here. Thanks, if you come. Oh, one more thing, I need to borrow a little money, 300 bucks, it’s just a loan, oh hell, it’s for my bail.

Tick, Tick, Tick, Boom!

Afterboom

Lorelai: Hello?

Rory: Who is this?

Lorelai: This is Lorelai Gilmore.

Rory: No, this is Lorelai Gilmore.

Lorelai: Ooh. Gaslight.

Rory: So, you have my phone.

Lorelai: Yes, you left it in the kitchen. You know what that means, don't you? You miss Mommy.

Rory: Yes, or that the refrigerator was empty, and I ordered food.

Lorelai: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Rory: Why didn't you just tell them that you guys were dating?

Lorelai: Oh, come on. You know why. We were going to tell them when the time was right. Of course, I had no idea we were dealing with the Carringtons. All we needed was a swimming pool and some ball gowns to really end the evening right.

Rory: This is unbelievable. I leave you people alone for one hour and all hell breaks loose.

Lorelai: How could he do this? How could my father just take the business from you?

Jason: Oh, no, no, no. He left me the business, but without the clients, the business consists of some stationery, a coffee maker, and some rubber pencil grips.

Lorelai: I don't understand. Why would my father do that?

Jason: Because it's brilliant. It's perfect. He gets my dad to drop the lawsuit, he makes some extra cash, and he's sitting pretty. Makes perfect sense.

Jason: Well, I have to work, and he's making it pretty impossible for me to work here. Oh, my God. I'm gonna end up in Houston.

Lorelai: Jason...

Jason: Where all the financial wash ups wash up. It's gonna be me and the Enron boys smoking cigars while their ankle cuffs beep in the background.

Lorelai: College is loud!

Rory: Yes, it's part of our training. It's right up there with the bad food, the sleep deprivation, and how to hold your own hair while throwing up.

Lorelai: Awww.

Luke Can See Her Face

Lorelai: There's a cat on my doorstep.

Rory: Well, that's better than a bun in your oven.

...

Lorelai: There are two of them. They're not even easing me into this, those bastards. I give up. I guess I need to start collecting newspapers and magazines, find a blue bathrobe, lose my front teeth.

Rory: Well, obviously, you've got a busy day ahead of you, so I'm gonna let you go.

Lorelai: Yarn balls. I need to find some yarn balls!

Rory: Bye.

Man on Cassette: Love!

Luke: Jeez!

Man on Cassette: You want it? You can have it. And not compromised, stifling, soul-killing love, but open, honest, life-affirming love. But how do you get it? How do you get this love?

Luke: If I knew that, what the hell would I need you for?

Man on Cassette: It's going to take work. It's going to take introspection. You're gonna have to learn new things -- how to be your own best friend, how to treat your damaged psyche with a little kindness, how to say, "hey, pal, you're worth it. You mean something to someone, and you deserve love." That is the key. If you crave love, then you deserve love. Say that to yourself. If I crave love, I deserve love. [Luke sighs deeply.] Now, how did that feel coming out? I'll bet it was hard. I'll bet you felt ridiculous. Some of you may even have been incapable of saying it at all. Try again.

Luke: I'm not incapable. I just haven't been hit in the head with the Oprah stick lately.

Man on Cassette: Trust me, my friend -- it will get easier, until one day, you turn around, and you are not alone. Ready to begin the journey? It's going to be one hell of a ride. Okay, let's go. Open up your workbook to page one.

Luke: [opens his workbook] It doesn't get lower than this.

Man on Cassette: Complete the following sentence -- I feel angry because...

Luke: I am listening to this tape.

Man on Cassette: I feel hopeful because...

Luke: This tape must end eventually.

Man on Cassette: I feel helpless because...

Luke: I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass.

Man on Cassette: Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life -- a promotion at work, a successful refinancing -- who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?

Luke: [thinking of Lorelai] Whoa.

TJ: Not your scene?

Luke: Not really.

TJ: Mine neither. This is for the guys. These days, there's nothing I'd rather do in the world than spoon with your sister. [Luke exhales sharply] Stomach again?

Luke: That time, yeah.

Last Week's Fights, This Week's Tights

Sookie: If they're small enough to shove up our son's nose, they're too small!

Jackson: No way could you shove one of these up Davey's nose.

Sookie: Bet you five bucks.

Jackson: Get him in here!

Lorelai: [entering] Hey, guys. You probably shouldn't shove a radish up your son's nose. Just thinking out loud.

Paris: Rory, you've had quite the dry spell this year.

Rory: I have not had a dry spell.

Paris: There's not one picture of you with a guy.

Tanya: Oh, no. No. There's one. See? That's Rory with the statue of Eli Yale.

Luke: Is this how turkey legs are supposed to look?

Carrie: I don't know. Take off your pants and let us see.

Lorelai: Did he sound like he was in Philadelphia when he called?

Rory: You mean, did I hear guys in the background saying, "Get your Philly cheesesteak here?"

Luke: [about the Renaissance Fair themed wedding] Just do me a favor. I'm gonna try to keep a happy, proud look on my face to cover the smirking and about-to-laugh-my-ass-off face just underneath. Help me achieve this.

Lorelai: Oh, come on. They have a community of people, friends, you know, who travel together, engage in silliness, dress in costume. I think it's nice.

Raincoats and Recipes

[Lorelai hurriedly pushes Rory out the diner door.]

Rory: What's your damage, Heather?

Lorelai: I think I'm dating Luke.

Rory: What?

Lorelai: I'm not sure. It's just a possibility. I could be wrong.

Rory: But how? When?

Lorelai: I went with him to his sister's wedding, and it was really nice. We had a really good time. We laughed a lot, and we ate, and then we danced.

Rory: Danced? How?

Lorelai: We pop-locked.

Rory: Was it a fast dance, slow dance, group dance?

Lorelai: It was a slow dance. What is "group dance?"

Rory: The hustle, the hora.

Lorelai: No hustle, no hora. It was a slow dance -- a waltz. Luke can waltz.

Rory: Luke can waltz?

Lorelai: Luke can waltz.

Rory: Look how you just said, "Luke can waltz."

Lorelai: What, I'm just saying, I'm surprised that Luke can waltz.

Rory: That sounded more like, "I'm surprised I still have my clothes on." Did you say yes?

Lorelai: When?

Rory: To the movie. Did you say yes?

Lorelai: Yes.

Rory: That sounds like dating to me.

Lorelai: But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing. Maybe he just needed to get out of the house, and since I'm currently one of the women sitting home, thinking, "If I could only find a man like Aragorn," he picked me.

Luke: And then when I walked you home after the wedding, there was a moment. I thought there was a moment.

Lorelai: There was! There was a moment.

[Luke pauses as if he is making a decision, then steps toward her.]

Lorelai: What are you doing?

Luke: Will you just stand still?

[He wraps his arms around her and kisses her deeply. She pulls back, shocked, but then moves toward him again.]

Luke: What are you doing?

Lorelai: Will you just stand still?

[She kisses him and he wraps his arms around her again.]

[Lorelai gazes at the rumpled bed and then turns back to Rory]

Lorelai: [about Dean] So what'd he 'borrow'?

Rory: I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it first. I... I know I promised I would, but - I swear I didn't know that this was going to happen! I mean, I didn't know that he was going to show up tonight and it just happened! It's awful for you to find out like this, I know, but everything's okay! I'm okay! And we were, you know, safe, so all those Trojan men jokes all these years really apparently stuck. And I'm lucky, too, because Dean, he's... well, aren't you glad that it happened with someone who's good and really loves me?

Lorelai: He's married.

Rory: You don't understand the situation.

Lorelai: Is he still married?

Rory: Yes, but-

Lorelai: Then I 'understand the situation'.

Rory: He tried the best he could, but it didn't work! It's over!

Lorelai: He told you that?

Rory: Yes!

Lorelai: He told you he's leaving her?

Rory: Well...

Lorelai: He told you he's moving out, they're getting divorced, he's got a lawyer, they've divided up the Monster Truck season tickets?

Rory: [increasingly awkward] We didn't get around to discussing everything.

Lorelai: You didn't 'get around to discussing everything'?

Rory: It was a crazy night!

Lorelai: You of all people. The girl who thinks everything through. The listmaker. You didn't bother to discuss those things before jumping into bed with a married guy?

Rory: He's not 'a married guy'! He's Dean, my Dean!

Lorelai: He's not your Dean, he's Lindsay's Dean. You're the other woman!

Lorelai: It's not over until he's out of the house with the ring off!

Rory: He took the ring off!

Lorelai: [devastated] Oh my God, I don't believe this...

Rory: He's in love with me, not Lindsay!

Lorelai: Does Lindsay know that?!

Rory: She's not good for him, okay?! She lets him quit school, and work himself to death-

Lorelai: No, no, Rory, uh uh, you can't be one of those girls who blames the wife for 'forcing' the husband to cheat!

Rory: He wasn't cheating!

Lorelai: He was cheating, Rory. He was cheating, and you were cheating with him, there's no other way to spin that, kid!

Rory: I'm not spinning it, and I'm not a kid, I'm nineteen!

Lorelai: This was your first time, it's just not the way your first time was supposed to be.

Rory: Oh, and how was my first time 'supposed to be'?

Lorelai: Well, first of all, it was supposed to be in a retirement home.

Lorelai: I just don't want you to get hurt, Rory! What if he doesn't leave her? Now you're all emotionally involved!

Rory: You're just mad because I didn't come running to you to discuss whether or not I was ready for this step, I decided it on my own!

Lorelai: Well, obviously you weren't ready for this step. The very fact that you chose another girl's guy to sleep with proves that!

Rory: He was my boyfriend first!

Lorelai: But you dumped him! You rejected him, you picked someone else!

Rory: STOP IT!

Lorelai: Rory-

Rory: I hate you for ruining this for me! [she runs outside and phones Dean's house, only to have Lindsay answer; she hangs up and sinks to her knees, crying]