Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy-Days [3.01]

Lorelai: Hey Rory, I don't want you to freeze out your dad because I am.

Rory: I'm not.

Lorelai: Because I'm fine if you want to go back to the way things were.

Rory: I think that would be a little hard this time.

Lorelai: OK ,maybe not now, but eventually.

Rory: Eventually maybe, but for now, Solidarity, sister.

Lorelai: Ya-Ya!

Rory: You've been waiting 6 weeks to do that, haven't you?

Lorelai: Ya-Ya!

Paris: What if I fall for him but he doesn't like me?

Rory: You'll find someone else.

Paris: What if there is no one else?

Rory: Then you'll buy some cats.

Jamie: So where's Paris?

Rory: Not quite sure. Last time I saw her she was beating the will to live out of our nation's representatives.

Lorelai: I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing in the kitchen, is Luke!

Rory: Was he naked?

Lorelai: No! He was making breakfast.

Rory: Naked?

Lorelai: Okay, you've been in Washington way too long.

Paris: I can’t do this.

Rory: What?

Paris: Date. I can’t date. I’m not genetically set up for it.

Rory: Not true.

Paris: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I’m covered in hives, I’ve showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn’t even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don’t wind up in a restaurant that’s really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?

Haunted Leg [3.02]

Lorelai: All right, you got home too late last night and I didn’t get a chance to talk to you.

Rory: I got home at ten and you were already asleep.

Lorelai: Well, I was trying to watch The Legend of Bagger Vance again.

Rory: Okay, what did I miss?

Lorelai: Okay. Kirk asked me out.

Rory: Shut up!

Lorelai: Yesterday he came to the inn and asked me to dinner.

Rory: That’s so sweet.

Lorelai: Sweet?

Rory: You should wear your dress with the ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies.

Lorelai: Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk.

Rory: Why?

Lorelai: Uh huh. . .why? He's. . .he's Kirk!

Rory: Well, as long as he loves you.

Lorelai: You are not serious.

Rory: I just want you to be happy.

Lorelai:: Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don't make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter.

Lorelai: My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time — maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday.

Rory: Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh, wait…

Lorelai: I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.

Rory: Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.

Lorelai: Oh my God.

Emily: Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai.

Lorelai: Shauna Christy shot her husband.

Emily: What?

Lorelai: Shauna Christy, you remember Shauna Christy.

Emily: Yes I remember Shauna Christy, she was a lovely girl.

Lorelai: Well apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving a nice little bonus package to the maid. And they say good help is hard to find.

Emily: That's just gossip.

Lorelai: Gossip? The man was shot 35 times! He looks like a sprinkler system!

Emily: I can’t believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl. She was bright, cultured, well-spoken.

Lorelai: And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan.

Emily: This is not funny, the woman committed a crime.

Lorelai: Okay, fine.

Emily: This is a tragedy.

Lorelai: My bad, sorry.

Emily: A man is dead, a young woman ruined.

Lorelai: Consider the subject dropped.

Emily: At least she had a husband to kill.

[Rory's bedroom - Rory wakes up and sees Lorelai sitting in a chair staring at her]

Rory: How long have you been sitting there?

Lorelai: Not long. An hour. . .and a half.

Rory: Why?

Lorelai: Because.

Rory: 'Cause why?

Lorelai: Because today is the last first day of high school you’re ever gonna have.

Rory: You’re insane.

Lorelai: I’m not insane, I’m just sentimental, and you’re grown.

Rory: I’m not grown.

Lorelai: Yes, you are, you’re all grown up and soon you’ll be going off into the world.

Rory: Not yet.

Lorelai: But soon. And after you spread those wings and fly away, I won’t have the opportunity to give you this.

[Lorelai hands her a piece of paper]

Rory: What is it?

Lorelai: It’s your bill.

Rory: My what?

Lorelai: Yeah. I’ve been crunching the numbers, you know, adding up what you’ve cost me over the years – raising you, clothing you, feeding you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Rory: Mmhmm.

Lorelai: Yes, I’ve itemized everything here by years and income ratio. I thought you could factor it into your student loan.

Rory: Oh boy.

Lorelai: One thing that’s painfully obvious here – you’ve used an extraordinary number of diapers.

Rory: I’m gonna go take a shower.

Lorelai: Really, it’s cost a fortune. What were you using all those diapers for?

Rory: I was building my ‘make Mommy go away’ castle.

Rory: I could care less about you and Shane.

Jess: Good.

Rory: It just surprised me that's all.

Jess: Why?

Rory: Because.

Jess: Because why?

Rory: Because of what happened at Sookie's Wedding.

Jess: Ah.

Rory: So me coming back here and seeing you with Shane kind a threw me a bit.

Jess: I'm sorry, did I hear from you at all this summer? Did I happen to miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me or did the postman lose the letters you sent to me? You kiss me, tell me not to say anything, very flattering by the way. You go off to Washington and then nothing and you're all put out 'cause I didn't sit here and wait for you like Dean would have done. Oh yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him? Because last time I checked you were and I haven't heard anything to the contrary. Plus the two of you walking around the other day like a damn Annie Hardy movie, it seemed to me like you were pretty together. I half expected you to break into a bar and put on a show.

Rory: When did you see me with Dean?

Jess: At that summer insanity thing the town put on.

Rory: I'm surprised that you could see anything with Shane's head plastered to your face.

Jess: You didn't answer me.

Rory: About what?

Jess: Did you call me at all?

Rory: No.

Jess: Did you send me a letter?

Rory: No.

Jess: A postcard?

Rory: No.

Jess: Smoke signal?

Rory: Stop!

Jess: A nice fruit basket?

Rory: Enough.

Jess: Are you still with Dean? Come on Rory, yes or no? Are you still with Dean?

Rory: Yes I'm still with Dean! Yes.

Jess: Glad to hear it.

Rory: Glad to tell you.

Jess: See ya around.

Rory: Whatever.

Jess: Right back at you.

Application Anxiety [3.03]

Lorelai: Well, we spent the first ten minutes on him bugging me to volunteer for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation to build the new basketball court, and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him that what sounded like me going "Ha!" was really me clearing my throat, but after that we had a very pleasant, productive conversation.

Rory: He's going to be expecting Chilton High School senior, Trixie McBimbo.

Lorelai: And her mother, Bambi McBimbo.

Lorelai: State your full name. Better not get that one wrong, and nickname if any.

Rory: That would be Rory.

Lorelai: Or droopy drawers.

Rory: That was never my nickname.

Lorelai: Wrong! I called you that as a baby.

Rory: What?

Lorelai: That's right. Once you had these little Oshkosh cords and they were way to big. Once at the mall they fell right down to your knees and I said "Whoa there droopy drawers". I'm just afraid if we don't answer every thing accurately the Harvard police will come and hit you with an Atlas and say something mean in Latin.

Luke: You wanna open the soda shop in the space next to the diner?

Taylor: It’s the only one that’s appropriate.

Luke: Taylor, no. No, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no!" And when I die, I’m gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How’s Ted?", followed closely by, "Taylor, no!"

Lorelai: Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama. . .or something.

Luke: What’s that, a toy?

Miss Patty: Oh, it’s awfully cute.

Taylor: That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business.

Rory: Wow, there’s little people and everything.

Sookie: They look so real.

Jackson: Hey, it’s me holding a tiny zucchini!

Lorelai: Look at the horse drawn carriage.

Taylor: My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. It’s very eighteen-hundreds.

Babette: The horse is taller than the front door.

Lorelai: Way taller.

Luke: What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?

Taylor: It’s slightly out of proportion.

Babette: Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking.

One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes [3.04]

Lorelai: So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.

Rory: The other side of…

Lorelai: The other side.

Rory: With Republicans?

[Lorelai pulls a shirt from Luke's closet.]

Lorelai: Oh my God.

Luke: What?

Lorelai: Jimmy Buffett?

Luke: Put that back.

Lorelai: You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.

Luke: I've just been to a few shows, that's all.

Lorelai: A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.

Luke: Is that the one you want me to wear or not?

Lorelai: Sing Margaritaville.

Luke: No.

Jess: That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.

Luke: Stay outta this.

Lorelai: Lane can't quit the band. She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.

Rory: I told her that.

Lorelai: All right, let's go eat… see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.

Luke: Hey, wait now. You're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me now, aren't you?

Lorelai: Aren't you!

Luke: What?

Lorelai: Who?

Luke: Stop it!

Lorelai: Bye!

Luke: Uh, you and I have got to have a little talk.

Jess: Hey, if you’re gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me, I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell ‘em I’m gonna be late.

Luke: Shut up for a second, would ya? Look, I know you’re at an age where the whole girl thing is... you know, on your mind a lot, and it’s probably not helping you to think straight with all the hormones and other things that are raging around in there. My point is that you gotta think about things a little better, you know, the way you act. I mean, if you care about a girl the way you do with this Shane –

Jess: I don’t care about her.

Luke: What?

Jess: I don’t even know her last name.

Luke: You’re kidding.

Jess: She mentioned it once. Didn’t stick.

Luke: Well, if you don’t care about her, what are you doing with her?

Jess: Just hanging with her, no biggie.

Luke: Well, you gotta be doing something more than hanging with her. I mean, you got to at least be doing something with her to make her jump in a closet when people come into the room.

Jess: Relax, will ya? All is good.

Luke: Jess, this isn’t right. You can’t treat a girl like this, like dirt!

Jess: If it’s any consolation to you, she treats me like dirt, too. It’s a pretty symbiotic relationship.

Luke: And that’s fine with you?

Jess: Yes, it is.

Luke: To just go along in a relationship, you treat somebody bad and they treat you bad back.

Jess: That’s right.

Luke: Oh, that makes you happy?

Jess: I’d do backflips, but I am way too cool.

Luke: That makes absolutely no sense.

Jess: It doesn’t have to make sense to you.

Luke: There are plenty other of girls out there in the world, Jess.

Jess: Don’t you have to get back to the diner?

Luke: I mean, you can go out and at least find one that you actually care about.

Jess: Oh, like it’s that easy.

Luke: Yeah, it’s that easy if you try.

Jess: Hey, the girls that I like don’t give a damn about me! And unlike some other people I know, I’m not gonna sit around hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me.

Luke: What’s that supposed to mean?

Jess: You fixed any neighbor’s porches lately? Or you go on a picnic? Or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school?

Luke: Shut up.

Jess: At least I’ve got a little self-esteem.

Luke: Shut up.

Jess: I’m not playing Golden Retriever, hoping one day she’ll turn around and fall in my arms. If she doesn’t wanna be with me, then fine.

Luke: You have no idea what you’re talking about.

Jess: Whatever. I gotta go, Shane’s waiting.

Luke: Oh, you mean What’s-Her-Name?

Jess: Yeah, I’ll bring you a new leash when I get back.

Luke: Get outta here!

Eight O'Clock at the Oasis [3.05]

Lorelai: Oh, now that kid’s a major drooler.

Rory: Yeah, it’s like a fountain.

Luke: Okay, that’s it, they have to go.

Lorelai: Luke, come on, it’s just spit. Pretend you’re at a baseball game.

Luke: No no no, I’ve had enough. Let them go not spend money at Al’s, I’m through. [He starts to walk toward the people when a woman stands up and starts unbuttoning her shirt. Luke walks back to Lorelai and Rory] Is that woman doing what I think she’s doing? [the woman has started nursing her baby]

Lorelai: Um, well, I can’t be a hundred percent sure, but. . .oh yeah, that’s lunch.

Luke: Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here.

Rory: They sure are.

Luke: This cannot be sanitary.

Lorelai: I agree. You don’t know where that thing’s been.

Luke: When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They’d go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it’s indecent. This is a diner not a peep show!

Lorelai: Hey, consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers. Of course, no one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again, but . . .

Luke: I have to do something. I just can’t stand here and let the lactating continue.

Lorelai: Luke!

Rory: Gross!

Luke: I’m gross? I’m not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That’s it.

[Luke starts to walk over to the woman, then walks back to the counter] You go make her stop.

Lorelai: I’m not going over there.

Luke: Why not? You’re a woman.

Lorelai: So what?

Luke: So you have the same parts.

Lorelai: What?

Luke: You shouldn’t be scared of it.

Lorelai: Scared of it? You know, you’re gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.

Luke: I am being taken advantage of here, and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this!

[Jess walks down into the diner and sees the woman nursing]

Jess: Oh geez!

[Jess quickly turns around and walks back upstairs. Lorelai and Rory start laughing.]

Luke: Okay, well, that was kind of funny.

Lorelai: [Phone rings and Lorelai answers] Independence Inn

Emily: You should really identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.

Lorelai: Sorry, Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?

Emily: Yes, thank you.

Michel: [about an auction] And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.

Lorelai: Well, that certainly calls for a 'Dirty'!

Lorelai: [on the phone] Hi, yes, I was at your auction yesterday and I was wondering if you could help me. I met a man there and I would like to contact him but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number seventeen, and...Oh right, confidential, got it...Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school...Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname....Uh, Shamu. We called him Shamu. He was kind of a big guy in high school, but he's slimmed down quite a bit...No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence....See, Shamu and I went to a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together and we tore it and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win!...Fourteen million dollars!....Really, but see, we have to claim it by four pm today or we forfeit....Ah, yes....Oh, well, but there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you. See, my blood type is o-negative and he's o-negative and I have a medical condition that....All right, then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye. (hangs up)

Rory: Geez, did he talk about anything else but his car?

Lorelai: Not until we got to the restaurant, then the wine list.

Rory: Oh no he's a winey?

Lorelai: Yes, he sniffed and swirled and swished and did every other pretentious and borderline disgusting thing you can do with a glass of wine in a public place.

Take the Deviled Eggs [3.06]

[Taylor is on a crusade against birds "relieving themselves on helpless passersby".]

Babette: You get dumped on, Taylor?

Taylor: It's not just me.

Luke: If anybody has a picture of Taylor being dumped on. I'll pay top dollar.

Kirk: I'll check the Internet.

Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to… you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?

Taylor: Easy. Put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures, then when they land — pow! They're shish-kebabs.

Rory: That's cruel.

Babette: You can't do that.

Andrew: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.

Lorelai: There it is — our new town slogan.

Rory: I like it.

Lorelai: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.

Rory: Don't forget stuffed shish-kebabbed birds.

Lorelai: That moan when you squeeze 'em.

[Luke questions Gypsy about Jess's new car.]

Luke: He paid you for it, right?

Gypsy: Nothing's free at Gypsy's.

Luke: And he paid cash?

Gypsy: Mostly twenties.

Luke: Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not Alfred E. Neuman or someone?

Gypsy: Looked real to me.

Luke: Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?

Gypsy: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.

Luke: Really?

Gypsy: No.

Luke: Good.

Gypsy: Guys are stupid.

Jess: Hey.

Rory: Hey.

Jess: Hey, Lane.

Lane: Hey back at ya, tough guy.

Jess: What?

Rory: Lane...

Jess: Something wrong?

Rory: No...

Lane: Yes! You have a car.

Jess: I know.

Lane: Don’t give me lip!

Jess: Lip?

Rory: Lane...

Lane: How’d you get the car, Jess?

Jess: I bought it?

Lane: Really, I thought you might’ve built it from parts left over from cars you’ve totaled.

Jess: What is your problem?

Lane: Don’t play dumb! You know what you did.

Jess: I gotta go.

Lane: Yes, drive on away, we’ll just keep walking. That’s all Rory’s been able to do these past few months – lots of walking. She’s got bunions because of you, mister!

Jess: Bunions?

Rory: I don’t have bunions.

Lane: She’s too nice to complain about her foot ailments!

Jess: Knock it off, Lane!

Rory: Just get in the car and go, Jess.

Jess: I didn’t start this.

Lane: Well, you started it when you wrecked Rory’s car!

Jess: Tell your friend to walk it off.

Rory: You walk it off!

Jess: I’m trying to DRIVE off!

Rory: Then go!

Jess: Geez, how Andy Griffith is this town that people get so excited by a car?

Rory: It’s not the car, it’s who’s got the car.

Jess: Okay, fine, you want it? Take it, I’m sick of this.

Rory: I don’t want this piece of junk!

Jess: Right. I suppose Dean is already building you another car, something really snazzy.

Rory: Shut up and go!

Jess: Gladly.

Rory: Let’s go.

Lane: Gladly!

Rory: [to Jess] Oh, and by the way, you left your bra in the back seat!

Reverend: The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.

Rabbi: We answer to a higher authority… like the hot dog.

Reverend: I laugh every time you say that.

Rabbi: I know. Funny is funny.

Taylor: Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.

Reverend: Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.

Rabbi: Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card.

Reverend: Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?

Rabbi: Do you have a God phone, Taylor?

Taylor: Rabbi, please.

Reverend: What's he like? For us common folk who've never met him?

Rabbi: Is he short, is he tall?

Reverend: Does he like to laugh?

Rabbi: Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials…

They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They? [3.07]

Sookie: Last night, I made coq au vin for dinner, so of course the subject of children came up.

Lorelai: Of course.

Sookie: All of a sudden, completely out of the blue, Jackson announces he wants four in four.

Lorelai: He wants what?

Sookie: Four in four. Four kids in four years.

Lorelai: Good Lord!

Sookie: I know!

Lorelai: Well, who’s he gonna have these kids with?

Sookie: Me, apparently.

Lorelai: What did you say?

Sookie: See, here’s where, uh, the problem comes in.

Lorelai: What?

Sookie: I think I said yes.

Lorelai: How is that possible?

Sookie: Well, I was totally shocked when he announced it and I sort of said, "O. . kay" and . . but I think he took it as, "Okay!" So, apparently, now I have to get busy.

Lorelai: Do you want four in four?

Sookie: No. But, I mean, I want kids. You know I want kids.

Lorelai: I know you want kids.

Sookie: But I thought maybe one. Two if the first one is really quiet.

[Rory and Dean walk up to the table where Lane is serving food. Jess is in front of them.]

Rory: The sandwiches are for the dancers.

Jess: I’m dancing on the inside.

Rory: What are you doing here?

Jess: I live here.

Rory: You have nothing better to do than to sit around inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?

Jess: I don’t know. [to Dean] Do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?

Dean: I wouldn’t direct any sort of comment toward me if I were you.

Jess: I’m just trying to support my town.

Rory: Good, then go back to New York.

Jess: Ooh, zing! I’ve been snapped!

Rory: You think you’re bugging me sitting in front of me staring like that?

Jess: You think you’re bugging me dancing in front of me staring like that?

Rory: I’m not staring at you.

Jess: Then how do you know I’m staring at you?

Rory: I am dancing. I cannot control where my glance goes. And the few moments that I can control it, my glance goes to Dean, not to you.

Jess: So you can’t control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him? Sorry, man. That’s cold.

Dean: My former comment still stands.

Dean: I’m not her boyfriend anymore.

Rory: What?

Dean: You know, I tried to ignore this. I really did, but I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

Rory: What are you talking about?

Dean: You don’t wanna be with me, Rory.

Rory: Yes, I do.

Dean: Oh, please! You’ve been into him since he got to town, and I have spent weeks – months, actually – trying to convince myself that it wasn’t true, that everything was fine between us. But now I know that I was an idiot. You’re into him and he’s into you, and Shane, who by the way, should be listening to this ‘cause it’s so damn obvious.

Rory: What’s obvious? What did I do?

Dean: Everyone can see it, Rory! Everyone. And I’m tired, but I’m over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There’s nothing standing in your way now, ‘cause I’m out.

Rory: I can't even open my eyes.

Lorelai: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.

Rory: Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.

[Jess walks up to Rory as she is sitting on the bridge]

Jess: Dean's a jerk yelling at you like that, breaking up in front of everyone. The guy's a total jerk.

Rory: No, he's not..he was right...everything he said, all those things about you and me, all those things about me...lying to him, messing with his head. He was right. [pause, she looks up at Jess] Well, wasn't he?....Fine, he was right about me then, now go away.

[Jess takes a breath]

Jess: He was right about...all of it.

Rory: So what now?

Jess: You definitely broken up with Dean?

Rory: Yeah, I'm definitely broken up with Dean.

Jess: I have to go take care of something then.

Let the Games Begin [3.08]

Jess: Hi.

Rory: Hey.

Jess: Hi.

Lorelai: Hi.

Jess: Hi.

Luke: Hi.

Rory: I have to get to school.

Jess: Yeah, me too.

Rory: Bye

Jess: Bye. Bye.

Lorelai: Bye.

Rory: Bye.

Lorelai: Bye.

Rory: Bye.

Luke: Bye.

[Jess and Rory leave.]

Luke: What the hell was that?

Lorelai: That was episode one of "Rory and Jess: The Early Years".

Jess: What do you think is gonna happen?

Luke: You know what I think is gonna happen.

Jess: No, I don’t. Tell me. Tell me what I’m gonna do to her.

Luke: You’re not gonna do anything to her because when you’re at her place, there’s Lorelai, and when you’re here, there’s me, and when you’re out there, there’s Taylor.

Jess: Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know?

Luke: Well, as soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, I’ll get worried. Until then, do your homework.

Luke: Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.

Lorelai: You did?

Luke: Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.

Lorelai: Oh good.

Luke: Yup.

Lorelai: You know, they're together now.

Luke: What?

Lorelai: Oh yeah. "I have to get a part for my car", "I'm going to go study" — that's kid code for "Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle".

Luke: You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that… damn, they are. They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together.

[Lorelai finds the bracelet that Dean made for Rory on the dresser]

Lorelai: Oh wow. I guess this means there really isn’t a Dean anymore, huh?

Rory: Yeah, that and it broke in the shower this morning. Though I probably would’ve taken it off anyway.

Lorelai: Or Jess would’ve done it for you.

Rory: What did that mean?

Lorelai: It just meant Jess wouldn’t want you wearing another guy’s bracelet.

Rory: Or that Jess is a thief and he would’ve stolen it.

Lorelai: It does work on both levels, doesn’t it?

Rory: So this is how it’s gonna be from now on?

Lorelai: What does that mean?

Rory: You like Dean and you hate Jess.

Lorelai: Rory.

Rory: Jess will always be the evil guy who mouthed off to you and wrecked my car and Dean will always be the perfect guy who would come over and change the water bottle.

Lorelai: Aw, I forgot about the water bottle.

Rory: Mom.

Lorelai: Rory, I said nothing. I didn’t mean what you thought I meant about Jess. I’m trying to be supportive about this.

Rory: How supportive?

Lorelai: Supportive. You know, go team.

Rory: I’m serious, I wanna know how it’s gonna be. Like, can I invite him over?

Lorelai: Of course you can invite him over.

Rory: Well, can he actually come into the house?

Lorelai: Yes, he can come into the house

Rory: Are you going to talk to him?

Lorelai: I'll at least match him grunt for grunt.

Rory: Okay. Now, let's say he's in the house and there's a fire and you can either save him or your shoes - which is it?

Lorelai: That depends, did he start the fire?

Jess: Here we are.

Rory: Yeah, here we are. So, tell me, what’s your decision about smoking that depending on?

Jess: On what’s gonna happen.

Rory: When?

Jess: Now.

[They kiss]

Rory: I’m glad you didn’t smoke it.

Jess: Oh yeah?

Rory: Yeah.

[they kiss again]

Jess: Well, whatever else happens between us, at least we know that part works.

Rory: I have to go.

Jess: What? Did I do something or –

Rory: No, no. This was. . . you were – are. . .it was wonderful, and I look forward to many similar occurrences in the future, but right now, I have to go. Understand?

Jess: Not at all.

Rory: It’s more fun that way, isn’t it?

A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving

Emily: I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.

Lorelai: No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.

Emily: Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.

Luke: Shouldn't we give thanks first?

Jess: Thanks for what?

Luke: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.

Lorelai: Amen.

Lorelai: So no offense but what's with that lame-o kiss?

Rory: What?

Lorelai: You and Jess, you look like a couple of chickens pecking each other.

Rory: Mind your own business.

Lorelai: Well it was right in front of me.

Rory: So, I don't need a review.

Paris: My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie.

Rory: How so?

Paris: I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It’s Thanksgiving – you’d think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers.

Madeline: Bummer.

Paris: I’m on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn’t look good.

Rory: I’ve never heard of too many volunteers.

Paris: Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can’t all be students like me. They’re not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don’t get a thing. Talk about selfish.

[Jess carries the trash bag down the street, and he finds Dean standing on the sidewalk.]

Dean: Nothing to say?

Jess: Guess not.

Dean: That’s funny, you usually have something to say.

Jess: Guess I’m all talked out.

Dean: What’s the matter, Jess? Why you walking away?

Jess: It’s getting a little West Side Story here, Dean, and I gotta warn you, my dancing skills are not up to snuff.

Dean: But now’s your chance, there’s no one else around.

Jess: Go home. Cool off.

Dean: Come on, make one of your Boy Scout references, or a good Farmer John joke. I got my Doose’s Market apron with me: you want me to put it on, give you a little inspiration? I don’t get it, what happened, you suddenly like me now?

Jess: Oh yeah, I was just about to invite you campin'.

Dean: Good, okay, now we’re gettin' somewhere.

Jess: I’m not gonna fight you, Dean.

Dean: Why?

Jess: ‘Cause if I fight you, Rory’s gonna think it’s my fault, so just forget it, okay? Just forget it. Go home. Let it rest.

Dean: So Rory’s got a nice little hold on you now, huh?

Jess: Geez. [Dean gets right front of his face.] Don’t do that.

Dean: How does it feel?

Jess: It feels like I’m with Rory and you’re not.

Dean: You know, when all this happened with you and me and Rory, I figured I’d just stay out of everyone’s way, that that would be easiest. But now, I’m looking at you and I’m thinking, I’m gonna run from him? The Glad man? This is my town, I’m not hiding. And I don’t have be remotely calm around you anymore, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot. Happy Thanksgiving, Jess.

That'll Do, Pig

Emily: If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?

Lorelai: That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat?

Emily: This couch cannot stay.

Lorelai: Yes, it can.

Emily: It’s awful.

Lorelai: It can hear you.

Lorelai: Okay, so monkey lamp’s in the closet, singing rabbi’s in a drawer, and all Spice Girl memorabilia’s under your bed. How do I look?

Rory: Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia.

Lorelai: You look pretty, too.

Lorelai: You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma.

Emily: What are you talking about?

Lorelai: You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example.

Emily: What about you?

Lorelai: Well, I know there are many things in my life you don't approve of.

Emily: Like what?

Lorelai: Like this couch.

Emily: Well, this couch is terrible.

Lorelai: Okay, good – you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible might've hurt my feelings, but not anymore.

Emily: No?

Lorelai: No.

Emily: Why not?

Lorelai: Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, I'm gonna be amused. I'm gonna find it funny. I'm even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it.

Emily: You take pleasure in my disapproval?

Lorelai: I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh.

Emily: I don't know what to think of that.

Lorelai: Think, ‘hey, that's brilliant', because this idea could set you free.

Clara: Is Jess your real name?

Jess: Yes.

Clara: Do you like it?

Jess: It's fine.

Clara: Would you rather be named Bill?

Jess: No.

Clara: Frank?

Jess: No.

Clara: Mike?

Jess: No.

Clara: Bob?

Jess: No.

Clara: Ed?

Jess: Does this belong to you?

Dean: Clara, you want a snowcone?

Clara: Yes, will you get me a snowcone?

Jess: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back.

I Solemnly Swear

Lorelai: Who would ever have thought that all inns need doors?

Sookie: Not me.

Lorelai: And floors.

Sookie: Doors and floors, we can’t afford that.

Lorelai: Well, we better, otherwise our guests will fall right through to China.

Sookie: I can just imagine the phone calls.

Paris: How many times do I have to tell them? You can’t put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater – otherwise, you get this.

Rory: Gravy on your asparagus.

Paris: Yes.

Rory: Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.

Emily: That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination.

Lorelai: Hm.

Emily: You might at least act surprised.

Lorelai: It’s not the first time, is it?

Emily: It most certainly is.

Lorelai: Really?

Emily: Yes, Lorelai, really.

Lorelai: Well, then, I’m surprised.

Rory: Which maid was it?

Emily: Gertha, the one from Hamburg, Germany.

Lorelai: Which one was she?

Rory: You remember. She was the one who you made all those Hamburg-hamburger jokes to.

Lorelai: God, I beat that dead horse.

Rory: With glee.

Emily: She was the clomper.

Lorelai: The clomper?

Emily: She'd be upstairs making the bed and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.

Lorelai: That's why you fired her?

Emily: Yes.

Lorelai: Because she made noise when she walked?

Emily: Yes.

Lorelai: Was she a good maid otherwise?

Emily: What?

Lorelai: Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time, made sure the little fork went on the outside?

Emily: Have you been listening to me? She was not performing her duties as I wished them to be performed. Everything else is beside the point.

Lorelai: Well, I guess it’s always something, isn’t it?

Emily: What’s that supposed to mean?

Lorelai: It means you always seem to find the one thing about a maid that negates all of her good qualities. I mean, at a certain point, isn’t it just easier to let a couple things slide?

Emily: I see. So it’s my fault?

Lorelai: I didn’t say that.

Emily: No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I’ve been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I’m not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand?

Lorelai: It isn’t hard to understand, it’s just –

Emily: If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I’m not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.

Maid: Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner’s ready

Emily: Thank you, Brooke, we’ll be right there.

[Brooke walks away; Lorelai and Rory start to get up]

Emily: Wait, wait, wait. Do you hear that?

Lorelai: Hear what?

Emily: Exactly.

Lorelai: Okay. Now, Sookie’s on top of the menu. Let’s make sure the dining room’s open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they’ll need.

Michel: Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, "Why Don’t People Think You Know What The Hell You’re Doing?"

Lorelai, Out of Water

Rory: I appreciate that. So, tell me, your cousin getting married Saturday, what’s his story?

Lane: James. Very quiet, kind of skulky, couldn’t meet anyone here, so his family arranged to have a girl shipped over from the old country.

Rory: I hope they cut air holes in the box.

Lorelai: Hey, got any good stories?

Luke: Nope, sorry.

Lorelai: Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?

Luke: Jeff Smith?

Lorelai: Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?

Luke: It really throws you off when Rory’s late, doesn’t it?

Luke: So you’re gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?

Lorelai: That’s right.

Luke: And you’re gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?

Lorelai: Yes.

Luke: And you sanctioned this?

Rory: Yes.

Luke: Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there’s another way to learn to fish.

Lorelai: The Fishing Channel.

Luke: I fish.

Rory: You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.

Lorelai: [walking into the kitchen] I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.

Rory: Which are?

Lorelai: My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.

Lorelai: I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit!

Dear Emily and Richard

[Flashback to Rory's birth.]

Young Lorelai: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.

Nurse: Just breathe deep, honey.

Young Lorelai: Breathing doesn't help. Can I hit you instead?

Nurse: What?

Young Lorelai: Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.

Nurse: No, you cannot hit me.

Young Lorelai: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you, 'cause I really need to do something.

[Dean walks up to the counter]

Dean: I gotta place an order.

Jess: Talk into the clown.

Dean: I am.

Jess: (annoyed) ... What do you want?

Dean: Six burgers, three with cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side... Your memory’s that good?

Jess: You’re screwing with me.

Dean: I’m placing an order.

Jess: For all of Connecticut.

Dean: For the construction crew next door.

Jess: Oh, you’re Taylor’s errand boy now.

Dean: And you’re Taylor’s waitress.

Jess: Say that a little closer.

Dean: I thought you had a girlfriend.

Jess: Give me your order and get out.

Dean: Service with a smile. Uh, six burgers, three cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain burgers, one chili burger with cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on ryes; one mayo, one mustard, one combo. A combo means mustard and–

Jess: I know what a combo means.

Dean: Sorry, guess that confused look is just how your face is.

Jess: Do you wanna talk about this outside?

Dean: Just as soon as I’m finished. Uh, four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles.

Jess: On what?

Dean: Excuse me?

Jess: What are the extra pickles on?

Dean: On the side.

Jess: On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I’m gonna dump your body into is?

Lorelai: [about a package] It’s from my mother.

Rory: What is it?

Lorelai: It’s heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me.

Rory: I thought she discarded those years ago.

Lorelai: And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you’re sitting like that.

Sherry: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster.

Lorelai: Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.

Emily: You do not just leave a note. You call and say: "Mom, I'm in labor. Will you please drive me to the damned hospital?!"

Swan Song

Rory: Hanging out with Jess for most of the day, studying at night.

Lorelai: Cool. Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night.

Rory: Good. That’ll make it nice and quiet for when I study.

Lorelai: I’m that loud?

Rory: You are when you dance around singing ‘Rory’s Studying’ songs.

Jess: [about Emily] Does she know what I look like?

Rory: I don’t think so.

Jess: Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don’t kiss him goodnight.

Rory: Okay, what’s the packing crisis?

Lorelai: That’s the thing. I have no packing crisis. For the first time in my life, there is no packing crisis. See? This has never happened to me before. I’m all packed, ready to go, and fully confident that I have everything I’ll need or desire.

Rory: So you’re creating a crisis out of nostalgia?

Luke: [to Jess] When you date a girl like Rory, you’re involved with her whole family. Just like that last girl you dated, you were involved with her whole petri dish.

Rory: We need a signal.

Lorelai: A kissing signal?

Rory: Something to avoid this.

Lorelai: Okay, um, how ‘bout I shoot off a flare when I’m outside necking with a boy?

Rory: You know what I mean.

Lorelai: Or I could bang on the door and yell, "Hey, we’re necking out here!"

Rory: I still say we need a signal.

Face-Off

Lorelai: Have you seen my brown boots? I cannot go out without those brown boots. My entire outfit was retrofitted around those practically – Oh! Wait, can you believe it? Hey, they were in my closet. What sort of bizarre accident of fate put them there?

Lorelai: Okay, for starters, I think you have to realize something – you were really lucky with Dean. He was an exceptional first boyfriend, and you got spoiled. Most of us didn’t have first boyfriends like Dean. Most of us had first boyfriends like Brian Hutchins.

Rory: Brian Hutchins?

Lorelai: Seventh grade, I’m sitting in the library, walks up, asks me to go steady. I say yes. He walks away and I don’t see him again until the tenth grade when he tries to sell me a dimebag at the Sadies Hawkins Day dance. And he was way overcharging for it, too.

Rory: That’s demented.

Lorelai: Well, that’s what most of us had to put up with. Where do you think the Susan Faludi’s of the world came from?

Lorelai: It’ll be fun. There’ll be cheerleaders and clowns, people doing the wave.

Rory: You have no idea what a hockey game is, do you?

Rory: If I had known sports were so much about eating, I would’ve come to a lot more of these.

Lane: I know. There’s something deeply satisfying about watching other people exercise while eating junk food.

Rory: Your mom loves Dave?

Lane: She said he’s a righteous young man who’s proven he can be trusted around antique furniture. In her book, that’s pretty close to love.

The Big One

Rory: It’s nothing, it’s just Paris. There’s this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn’t even going to enter it, but I don’t know – with the whole ‘it’s my last chance to crush you before graduation’ comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying ‘I win, I win, I win!’

Lorelai: Wow, you’re getting more and more like me everyday.

Richard: Ah, you’re here.

Lorelai: And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.

Richard: It’s chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.

Lorelai: Come again?

Richard: Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.

[they start walking to the living room]

Lorelai: Three DAR strokes. What’s in that water they’re drinking?

Richard: Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you’re forgetting Liesl.

Lorelai: What?

Richard: Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.

Lorelai: Right, the muttonchops.

Lorelai: You’re a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.

Richard: That’s a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.

Lorelai: It’s like watching the Men’s Wearhouse security camera.

Paris: You know, it’s funny, me standing here before you right now. I’ve thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here’s the really funny thing – after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I’m not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We’re not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that’s really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I’ve worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I’m not going to Harvard? I can’t. I’m not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I’m not going to Harvard.

Rory: Okay.

Paris: And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.

Rory: Thank you and good night.

Paris: I’m being punished. I had sex, so now I don’t get to go to Harvard.

Rory: Paris, come on. [leads Paris off the stage]

Paris: She’s never had sex. She’ll probably go to Harvard. She’s a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore – you’re going to Harvard!

Sookie: I’m not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I’m a chef, I have to have knives.

Jackson: Sookie.

Sookie: And I’m also not cutting off the water supply and I’m not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, I’m sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and I’m sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the automatic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep.

A Tale of Poes and Fire

Luke: Well, he didn't even tell me about it. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony they're having.

Lorelai: Are you going?

Luke: Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible, it would kill him. Yeah, I'm going.

Lorelai: Good boy.

Sookie: Well, ever since I got pregnant, I've become very nurturing toward all living things. Jackson, too.

Lorelai: Well, both your bodies are changing.

Sookie: Yesterday.. .ugh, it was awful. Jackson moved a table and just kind of nicked this spider. He didn't see the little thing, and just clipped one of its legs. And it was having trouble walking and we were so upset, but Jackson made a new leg for it out of a paper clip, but jamming the clip into the spider killed it instantly. Little Satchmo.

Lorelai: You named the spider Satchmo?

Sookie: After Jackson's uncle.

Lorelai: Oh, mime. That reminds me – Yale, best drama school bar none. Put that in the pro column.

Rory: I'm not taking drama.

Lorelai: No, but it means you'll have the best on-campus productions. You'll get to see the next Meryl Streep all goofy and eighteen and doing crap like, "Hey, name an occupation!" "Plumber!" "Name a farm tool now!" "Tractor!" "Hey, I'm a tractor doing. . .plumbing."

[Rory is entertaining some kids by using her socks to give a puppet show. Lorelai walks over]

Rory: "Where are you going? I told you to take out the garbage!" "Nag, nag, nag. I wanna watch football and sit in my reclining chair." "Get back here or I'm gonna get you. . ." [sees Lorelai] Oh, hey, guys, hold on a second.

Boy: No, keep going.

Rory: Oh, calm down there, little scooter. I'll be right back.

[Rory walks over to Lorelai]

Lorelai: Hey Shari Lewis, how's the show going?

Rory: Oh, they're riveted.

Lorelai: Okay. [to kids] Hey, guys, go on over to the diner and have breakfast with your families, and then ask the nice man in the baseball hat and the flannel shirt to do sock puppets for you. And if he says no, just ask him louder – it's part of the game!'

Happy Birthday, Baby

Emily: Take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa.

Lorelai: Wait, aren't I supposed to blow out the candles?

Emily: Oh, Teresa can do that.

Lorelai: Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing.

Emily: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought only children liked to do that. Shall we bring it back out and relight it?

Lorelai: No.

Richard: Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers?

Lorelai: Why am I being mocked on my birthday?

Richard: Because it's the Gilmore way.

Taylor: I'd like the wording to be a little harsher.

Nicole: Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly's Taffy delivers even 2 hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It's pretty extreme.

Taylor: It may seem extreme, but those candy people are shifty characters.

Nicole: Why don't we leave the wording as it is for now and see how things go. We can get tougher later if necessary.

Luke: Yeah you could send over a couple of oompa-loompas to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly.

Richard: This was my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My Gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied, turned up her nose at me.

Lorelai: Well, then load me up, because there was this cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.

Emily: Richard, at least let Pena serve it.

Lorelai: No comment on my lesbian hilarity? My, how far we've come.

Richard: Well, I have something for you.

[places an envelope on the table]

Lorelai: Is it a hat?

Richard: No.

Lorelai: Is it a purse?

Richard: No.

Lorelai: Horse?

Richard: Lorelai.

Lorelai: George Foreman Grill?

Lorelai: Seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five thousand dollars. Oh my God, that’s like 150 pairs of Jimmy Choos.

Richard: What are Jimmy Choos?

Lorelai: Shoes.

Richard: 150 pairs, that’s it?

Lorelai: Dad, they’re Jimmy Choos.

Richard: For seventy-five thousand dollars, you should be able to buy at least three or four hundred pairs of shoes.

Lorelai: Not Jimmy Choos.

Richard: But that’s ridiculous. You are not going to spend seventy-five thousand dollars on Jimmy Choos when you could buy four hundred pairs of less prestigious but I’m sure equally stylish shoes. You will shop around first. Is that clear?

Lorelai: Yes, sir.

Keg! Max!

[The band is practicing as Rory and Jess watch.]

Zach: Whoa, cool.

Dave: We all finished at the same time.

Lane: That has never happened.

Brian: The middle of that song didn't even sound like us.

Dave: Yeah, it sounded good.

Rory: It sounded great, guys. All of it. Didn't it?

Jess: Not too shabby.

Dave: We are so ready for this gig.

Lane: We've got a gig. I just love the sound of that.

Jess: Where is it?

Lane: Kyle from school. His parents are going to Marriage Encounter for the weekend so he's throwing this mondo party.

Jess: You got enough songs?

Dave: We have enough for two half-hour sets. What we need is a name.

Brian: I made my suggestion.

Zach: Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.

Brian: So yours is better?

Zach: "Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert" is memorable and classy.

Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.

Zach: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.

Dave: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.

Brian: Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert" is too long.

Zach: Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.

Rory: Guys, that was amazing. Really, it was awesome.

Dave: Thanks.

Zach: Dude, you did good, you really did. But you got a little too close to me when you were singing into the mike.

Brian: I got as close as I had to.

Zach: Your nose touched my cheek, man. That's too close.

Lorelai: Do not eat chips out of a communal bowl. You might as well stick your hand in a toilet.

Rory: Nice.

Lorelai: If you're desperate, offer to be the person who replenishes them with new bags and grab a handful out of the new bag and dump the rest in the communal bowl.

Rory: Got it.

Lorelai: And keep in mind that getting up on a table and performing a song of any kind will haunt you for the rest of your life. Trust me. Been there, done that.

Rory: I wasn't planning on doing that.

Lorelai: Hon, those things are never planned.

Rory: It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.

Lorelai: Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now.

Lorelai: Okay, I didn't bring a frickin' tape measure. I'm not good at judging distances. You'll have to help me out with the ten feet thing.

Max: Well, it's a little bigger than a basketball player. Just keep a really big basketball player between us.

Lorelai: Wow, I bet there's a sentence that's never been uttered before

Say Goodnight, Gracie

Lorelai: Hey, Luke.

Luke: I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.

Lorelai: Sure, yeah.

Rory: Ten minutes is great.

Luke: And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.

Lorelai: And then hopefully got your hearing checked.

Luke: Can I finish my story?

Lorelai: I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.

Luke: And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with "Tess". So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the hummel.

Lorelai: The what?

Luke: Exactly.

Dave: A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.

[Mrs. Kim is silent.]

Dave: Mrs. Kim? Please don't make me repeat that list again.

Mrs. Kim: "Let never day nor night unhallow'd pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done."

Dave: Okay, thank you.

[Dave and Lane walk outside.]

Dave: Did you hear what she said?

Lane: Yes, I did.

Dave: What did it mean?

Lane: I don't know.

Dave: Was it a yes, was it a no?

Lane: I'm not sure.

Dave: Well, it's gotta be from the Bible, right? So I'll just go home, do some research, look on the Internet, see what I can find. I'll call you when I know something.

Lorelai: Okay. Your first cop-raided party. I am just so proud.

Rory: Mom.

Lorelai: I just wish I could've been there.

Rory: It was no big deal.

Lorelai: Did they bring the paddywagon?

Rory: Yeah, but then we snuck out the backdoor of the speak-easy and headed straight for the Algonquin.

Lorelai: How was Benchley?

Rory: Drunk again.

Lorelai: We very respectfully hover in his vicinity until the walk is over.

Sookie: Then we will politely ask him to get in touch with us.

Lorelai: Yes. Coming?

Rory: No, you guys go ahead. I'll be in the back of the line so that when the earth opens up and swallows you whole, I'll be here to tell the story.

Rory: Hey, here's a picture of Kirk pinned by the casket.

Lorelai: Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

Rory: Man, it's bad enough this had to happen, but his pants splitting on top of it?

Lorelai: Yeah. I hope he never takes too close a look at his life.

Rory: Amen. So this goes on the fridge, right?

Here Comes the Son

Lorelai: "Where's the ladies room?" "More coffee, please." "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"

Rory: We do not need to know how to say "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"

Lorelai: Oh, yes, we do.

Rory: Mom.

Lorelai: When we're in Spain, we need to know how to say, "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?" When in France, "Does Johnny Depp live near here?"

Rory: When in Rome, "Does Gore Vidal live near here?"

Lorelai: You know, you look like me, yet my ways are completely lost on you.

Rory: Hm? Oh, I found that if I focus too much on one subject, I start to get a little punchy. This way, when I hit Bolshevik Revolution overload, I just shift over here and, oh, hello, Anne Boleyn is going down, and then when that gets too depressing, it's right over to calculus.

Lorelai: Saving the party subject for last, huh?

Paris: Unbutton your top.

Lorelai: What?

Paris: Teenage boys are controlled by one thing. Unbutton your top.

Lorelai: No.

Paris:: Well, me doing it isn't going to help any.

Lorelai: Paris, you need to relax. You need to stop worrying. You need to stop obsessing. You need to stop looking at my boobs.

Lorelai: Now no one's around, but the second I run that light, a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian mounties and the crew of Cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast.

Rory: Paranoid.

Lorelai: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend.

Lorelai: [to Rory] Hey, you know what's weird? A lot of the kids in here are calling you a valedictorian. Is that anything like a dirty skank, 'cause if it is I'll kick their plaid butts up and down the sidewalk.

Those Are Strings, Pinocchio

Paris: Relax, I'm okay with you making valedictorian over me.

Rory: Oh, good, thanks.

Paris: Sure. I actually googled the personal histories of Ivy League valedictorians going back twenty-five years, and found some enlightening statistics. They don't necessarily do too well in later life, did you know that?

Rory: No.

Paris: Oh, yeah. A lot of business failures, crumbled marriages, suicides, obesity.

Rory: Okay.

Paris: A bunch died in car crashes, several did time, one suffocated when his cat fell asleep on his face.

Taylor: Moving on. Now people, I know it's an unpleasant subject, but the deer population in this town is reaching monstrous proportions.

Gypsy: Not this again.

Miss Patty: He's always going on about the deer.

Luke: Leave 'em alone, Taylor.

Taylor: But they're taking over the town. We need to institute partial elimination.

Morey: Partial elimination?

Gypsy: You wanna kill the little romping Bambis?

Taylor: People, do I have to detail the problems that these deer cause?

Luke: No, but you will.

Taylor: Lyme disease, auto accidents, plane accidents.

Luke: We have flying deer?

Miss Patty: Oh, that's scary.

Babette: Yeah. Those ones you can snuff.

Lorelai: [about Chilton] Wait, wait. Look around for a second. Notice?

Rory: Notice what?

Lorelai: It's not so scary anymore.

Rory: No, it's not.

Rory: What are we doing?

Lorelai: Leaving our mark. Got a knife?

Rory: A knife? For what?

Lorelai: For carving our initials. Come on. Knife, knife.

Rory: Sorry, I didn't put my switchblade in my sock.

Rory: Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is, because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who've been my mentors, so many people who've shaped my life, and my fellow students lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric, but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars, without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore...

Sookie: [With tears in her eyes] Uh, oh -

Lorelai: [Also on the verge of crying] Hang in there.

Rory: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her...

Sookie: [Choked up] Not crying.

Lorelai: [Slightly crying] Crying a little.

Sookie: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.

Rory: [Tearfully] Thank you Mom, you are my guidepost for everything.

Sookie: On the verge of blubbering here.

Jackson: [Choked up, tearfully] Not doing too well myself.

Lorelai: [Looks over to see Luke] Not you, too.

Luke: [Tearfully blubbering] I'm blubbering, you freaks!