What Life D-D-Doth [1.01]

Xavier: (licks the spit off his cheek) You're going to regret that, you shattered my shakashuri.

Townie: I hope ya'll can play that 3 feet up your ass.

Xavier: Don't know, but I'd sure like to try.

First Townie: Whatcha gonna do bird beast? Fly away? On your cuttlebone?

Second Townie: Yeah, cuddle this b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bone. (pulls a bone out of his pants and throws it at Xavier's face.)

Xavier: I'm a survivor. We're a dying breed.

Xavier: Life. You could say it started when I was a kid. Like most folks, I've always been different. But not like the others. Other kids could be cruel, they'd call me names: dweeb, chimp, honky, dweeby-chimp, honky-dweeb, and worst of all: chomsky-honk. Did you know there's over eighty-seven combinations of those soul-scalding words? I found out the hard way. Life! Adolescence was better: went to the prom with a model, but she left with some jock. Dyke!

Townie: So you use your powers to save people?

Xavier: (scoffs) Powers are for the weak. I have no powers. I mean, unless you count the power to blow minds with my weapons-grade philosophical insights.

Xavier: If the computer virus is infecting people, then I need a human virus to infecticide the computer.

(Xavier breaks through the window of the bathroom, runs to the U.S. Army base, and breaks the window there.)

Soldier: Welcome to the US Army, how can I help you?

Xavier: I need some of that disease you guys invented.

Soldier: Crack?

Xavier: The other one.

Solider: AIDS?

Xavier: That's the spice.

Solider: You'll need to fill out an HC24-A requisition form.

Xavier: I don't have time for that.

Soldier: (sighs) I shouldn't do this, but here. Someone left this in the lost and found.

(The soldier hands Xavier a plastic milk jug labeled "AIDS".)

Xavier: Oh, Frittata!

Xavier: Just got to dump this load in that dirty 'puter's floppy slot and collect my kudos.

Chief Beef Loco [1.02]

Xavier: I believe that we are all one. By helping this tiny mosquito, in a way, I'm helping your mother.

Townie: (outraged) He's comparing the universal oneness of all life to your mama!

(The townies attack Xavier.)

Attackers: Take that! Taste the pain!

Xavier: You were a hit! Everyone loves you, now. You even, have a girlfriend.

Percy: Really? Is he disabled?

Gang Leader: Nobody has ever survived our initiation, come give it a try. Here's my card. It's got embossed gold 12-point Courier font on bone white semigloss stock.

Gang Member: Bone white? I thought we all agreed to get eggshell white! Absurdity!

Gang Leader: I'm the leader! I say bone white! (thinking) Its haunting elegance is so restrained.

Gang Leader: Now boil his blood and get our drugs back. Charge him a recycling fee!

First Gang Member: We all have our own way of killing. Me, I like to kill on the beach.

Second Gang Member: I like to kill to music.

Third Gang Member: This is kind of embarrassing, but I like to kill on the toilet.

("Shiny", a metallic drug dealer, beats Xavier as he lies on the ground.)

Shiny: (between punches) Give...me...back...my...son! Wait...sorry...I...mean...drugs!

(Shiny has been tossed into a vat of molten metal.)

Shiny: (crossing himself) I accept Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior! Yes, made it!

(He melts.)

Weapons Grade Life [1.03]

Robby: I gotta go make water.

Xavier: Spray it, don't say it.

(Xavier is secretly watching a doctor apparently performing surgery through praying to God)

Xavier: (to himself) I'd like to see this guy pray an abortion.

Robby: If my dad found out I was using science to help him with his Christian Science, he'd be crushed.

Robby: Daddy can't ever know about my lab. He thinks science is evil, and the Lord heals all.

Xavier: How does he explain the fact that his own son's legs make me want to puke all over them?

Robby: Um, he never says that.

Xavier: Kid, life is just death in drag.

Xavier: You're not better than me, okay?! Just because you've created life doesn't make you some kind of god. There's more to life than life!

Robby's Father: Well, I tell you: I'd swim through a lake full of water for these cakes. That's the only thing that would put out the raging fire in my belly for these cakes.

Bakery Employee: That's an odd thing to say.

Robby's Father: (Dousing himself in gasoline, after learning that all of his surgeries were played by his son) All that is real is ANNIHILATION!

Xavier: You need to move on from losing your father back there. You need closure.

Robby: Closure?! The explosion hasn't even ended yet!

Xavier: They say when you die, you shit your pants; but not me. I'm gonna shit my heart.

The 6th Teat of Good Intentions [1.04]

Xavier: Fate. Destiny. Fatestinatey. People toss those words around like tennis balls. Well, I eat balls for breakfast.

Police Officer: Someone stole our bloodhounds, but we got the backup bloodhounds to chase the first tier of bloodhounds.

The Everchild: Don't you see? The missing child you each seek to reconnect with is still inside you all. But you buried it. You, Paul, when you were six and you killed that spider monkey with that claw hammer, you really just squashed your heart with that hammer, and that's why you became a dirty pig cop.

Pet Siouxicide [1.05]

Xavier: Unload your troubles unto me, even if it's tough to swallow. I'm used to swallowing huge loads.

Xavier: I'm going to help you, even if it kills us both!

Brat: I'm gonna name him after me. (beckoning) Come on, me!

Young Xavier: But, Master, you can't punch someone with your mind.

Chief Master Guru: Hold this board.

(a phantom fist emerges from the guru's head and punches young Xavier in the face)

Present Day Xavier with Bloody Nose: Idiot. He totally missed the board.

Brat: Silly, pain is a myth made up by poor people who don't want to work!

Hallucination: Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else. This is the first law of emodynamics [sic]. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant. Fact: Every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horsewhipped. Facter: Every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses. Factest: Every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severely mocked for its physical appearance. Don't be a pleasure hog. Your every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder. Vote "yes" on Proposition 1321. Think of some kids. Some kids.

Brat: I want universal oneness. Can't you buy it for me, Daddy?

World of Hurt, BC [1.06]

Diner Employee: How long you been standing there, freak?

Diner Customer: What are you, some sort of Chinaman?

Xavier: I wish I knew myself.

Diner Employee: We don't cotton to strange Chinaman with no sense of self who stand secretly by for indeterminate amounts of time. Gonna put you in a world of hurt.

(The employee and the customer both attack Xavier.)

Attackers: Take that! Taste the pain!

Television Reporter: I'm here to announce that we have discovered the oldest cave drawing known to man.

(The reporter gestures to a crude drawing of Xavier.)

Television Reporter: The figure is a rather ugly creature, possibly a Chinaman of some sort...

Xavier: I'm going to have to go back in time and find who did this painting, and what it means. But how?

Diner Employee in Thought Balloon: (repeats) Every cigarette takes seventeen minutes off your life.

Diner Customer in Thought Balloon: (repeats) Every slice of bacon takes nine minutes off your life.

Xavier: Can you dumb it down a notch?

Diner Customer in Thought Balloon: If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough, you can go back in time.

Caveman: Ooga-booga. How long you stand there, freak? You some kind of ooga-booga Chinaman? Me put you in world of hurt.

(The caveman attacks Xavier.)

Caveman: Take that! Ooga-booga. Taste the pain!

(Xavier talks to a bruised cavewoman.)

Cavewoman: My husband. He only does 'cause he love me.

Xavier: No. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Maybe he does it because you're stupid.

Cavewoman: Maybe.

Xavier: Well, if that's love, I'd like to make some love (shakes his fist) to his mouth.

Bloodcorn [1.07]

Man In Water: Shoot, I oughta punch his vacation-raping face from here to the local bus station!

Television Commercial: Whoopsie-doodle, there was a mix-up at the cookie factory! We made the cookies way too big and the chocolate chips b-b-b-blue!

Xavier: My God! No one deserves a mix-up that bad! I've got to help those poor bastards.

Television Commercial: Clumso the cookie chef really popped a boner into these yummy snacks! Blue chocolate Whoopsie Doodles, available for a limited time only!

Television Commercial: Uh-oh, now there was a factory mix-up! We accidentally mixed up the cookie factory with the tampon factory!

Security Guard: Sir, this is private property. The company has a policy of not cottoning to freaks around these parts.

Xavier: What's that, Mother Earth? You say this factory is poisoning you? And you need my help? What's that? You want me to repeat everything you say?

Xavier: So you admit it is your fault. You kill off the cornfields, I stay back and protect the womenfolk. Oh!

(Xavier leaves the scene, and enters the house and closes the door)

Xavier: Society is about to end, girl, and it's up to us to start repopulating the planet.

Lady: I suppose.

Escape from Squatopian Freedom [1.08]

Young Xavier: Who did this to you guys?

Xavier's Father: Our...son. (He dies.)

Young Xavier: I know it was arson, Dad, but who did it?!

Xavier: Been saving myself for marriage, or at least consent.

Tude: Man, I must have wolfed a mind-burrito, because I just had a massive brain fart.

Xavier: I'm looking for Puggler.

Juggler: I think he took off, man, to go to Burning Person or something.

Xavier: We're at Burning Person.

Juggler: I went to Burning Person this year?

Signs from Godrilla [1.09]

Preacher: It is my sad duty to announce that our sign language translator has donated her hands to the Needy Groper's Society. In her place we have "Popo", a very special gorilla from the research center who has been studying sign language under the tutelage of my wife, June, for three years.

June: I'm too overcome to speak about my husband's mysterious death, but Popo has asked to say a few words.

(Popo begins to gesture.)

June: What's that, Popo? (interpreting Popo's sign language) She's saying that this time of great loss illuminates the bonds we share as a community, and for that we must give praise to the Lord. Now she's being very eloquent, saying some very touching things. She's being moving. Still being moving...

Mourner: It's so moving!

(Popo gives a sermon.)

June: (interpreting Popo's sign language) Popo's urging you to dismiss the power of your rational mind. She's using fear of death, playing on your insecurities, there's a rock-solid elegance to the arguments.

Worshipper: So elegant!

Disk Jockey: We're back! WCRST, Succotash and the Bird in the morning. The Christian zoo radio hooty-hoo featuring Succotash and the Bird in the morning. Accept the Savior, get into the glorious kingdom of Heaven. Succotash, succotash, call us up, win some cash! We got Christ, we got faith, we got traffic on the 1's, weather on the what, we got Popo the preaching gorilla in the studio, how you doing today, Popo? Kind of making a splash in the preaching scene. Make a splash, make a splash, succotash, call us up, win some cash! Well it's 5:55. Let's check in on the 5 W's. We got who, what, when, where, why how's the weather this morning?

Weather Reporter: Weather's on the traffic, traffic's on the--

DJ: No time! Succotash, succotash, win some cash! Accept Christ into your heart, look down on us from the glorious kingdom of Heaven. Now, Popo, I understand you're starting your own 700 Club. Seven's a prime number, you're in the prime of your life, life could change, win a chunk of change, succocash, succotash, call us up, win some cash! Got a caller on line 7, are you there?

Caller: Yeah. Did I win some cash?

DJ: Oh! So close...was the phrase that pays, and we give praise, bow your heads. Well, thanks for coming in, Popo! Coming up, we got traffic on the 1's. It's traffic every one second! There's traffic, there's traffic, there's traffic, no traffic, there's traffic, sigalert remix!

Preacher: So if I have sex with that gorilla, the entire world will go to Heaven?

Gypsie: Balls never lie. The world's hymen will be restored. Innocence regained.

Shakashuri Blowdown [1.10]

Xavier's Father: Son, it was you who killed me.

Xavier: What kind of stupid name is "Yoohoo"? Well, when I find that demon, I shall slay him -- to death!

Xavier: (calling out) Yoohoo! Yoohoo!

Xavier's Father: No, no, no, no. No, not Yoohoo. It was you, damn it! You, Xavier! You killed your own father!

Xavier: The pride I feel for finally fingering my father's killer is dampened only by the fact that I promised to kill my father's killer. I fingered myself. To death.

First Xavier: If you love soup so much, why don't you marry soup?

Second Xavier: 'cause I'm already married. To justice.

First Xavier: Yeah. Only a blind girl would marry you.

Second Xavier: I know everything you're gonna-

First Xavier: say. And I know everything you're gonna-

Second Xavier: don't.

Second Xavier: You got a license to sell hot dogs, chico man?

First Xavier: No. They wouldn't give it to me, because when I was filling out the application, my penis was sticking out.

Second Xavier: Oh, yeah? You only got one penii? Let me see it.

First Xavier: See with your eyes, not with your mouth.

Vibracaust [2.1]

Xavier: I alone stride along to strive alone to unify all men in the greasy heat of my unifrier.

Xavier: This happy place holds magic meaning, for 'twas my mother's nickname. Truckers, delivery guys, men coming in and out of the house all day called her the Grand Canyon, but I never knew why. It's just a great wide gash, spread open for the enjoyment of all to come inside as he pleases and pleasures. Often there's a donkey in there. (Sees a man and woman on the road grieving) Hee-huh?!

Xavier: A dead child is like pudding. The proof is in the fact that he probably looked like pudding when he got hit by that car. And I think it's time you be pudding his chocolate memory to rest.

Xavier: Pills are just a psychotropic band-aid on a biochemical crutch. I took a pill once, and I woke up with a booty hole the size of a wine bottle, fat end first. But did I whine? No, I turned to the bottle.

Xavier: By the end of the day, you will have forgotten all about your dead turtle -- I mean son. (gasps) See?

Television Commercial: Recent science has discovered that, for thousands of years, Tibetan monks used gutteral prayer chants to sooth their yellow souls in the yellow face of their yellow oppressors. But in our sophisticated world, who has time for that noise? You've got enough on your plate. Let Fiddelin do the spiritual legwork for you. At transcendental medication, we sonically condense the biodharmic vibrations of over 1,000 monk chants into every pill. Scienspiritific audiologists have found that vibration from a monk's throat doesn't radiate in megahertz but in megahearts.

Jamaican Vibration Molecule: Come to Jamaica!

Television Commercial: If not now, when? If not it, what? If not things, stuff? Side effects include wetmouth, plaid blood, frozen day rate, herniated monsterism, taint misbehaving, urethral screamage, global colostomy face, wrongbody, restless lung syndrom and sexual diarrhea. Do not wake the sleeping yellow dragon. Who says you can't find purity in a pill? Tune in to Fiddelin with your soul.

(At the Fiddelin monk temple.)

Xavier: Where I come from, sharing love without making a profit is called being a whore. And the working conditions here are whorifying.

Xavier: Now we march. (Marches on a table.) No justice, no chants! No justice, no chant-- why aren't you chanting?!

Monk: We prefer the sacred silence.

Xavier: Oh, break them down with the silent treatment, eh? So devilish, it's clevelish. I can hear it working on you already. (Yells progressively louder into the Monk's ears) You hear that silence?! Can you take it?! The crushing blow of that fiery silence as it explodes in your ear with silence! Vroom! Rrrr! Vroom! (Pretends to ride a bike around)

(After Xavier sticks a pill statue into the Vibulator 2000, the vibrations shattering reality.)

Xavier: You've woken the yellow dragon! I've got to act now! This is the 9/11 of noise, the Chernobyl of chanting, the Hiroshima of humping, the Nagasaki of nookie, the Dachau of Auschwitzes!

Xavier's Maneuver [2.2]

Don Ho: Someone wants me dead?

Xavier: Hell, you may not live to hear the end of this sen... Tense, isn't it?

Debtor: Who's the new guy?

Xavier: Without me, he'd be dead! Imagine a crab without its shell! Imagine a man without his skin.

Debtor: Okay! I want to keep my skin! I pay, I pay!

Don Ho: This monkey on my back's got a twisted mind, but I like it! That's the twist.

Desgrazio: You're the backup I asked for, right? What are you, CIA? FBI?

Xavier: I'm investigating for a higher power.

Desgrazio: I don't know how much you've been briefed, but I've been on the inside, tracking Don Ho for twelve years. I'm this close to his big secret. Obviously I've made some bad decisions on my first day and I've just had to stick with 'em. I was a hotshot kid just out of the academy and they didn't give us enough on character development, so I was just freeballin' it! I started the singing henchman thing out of nervousness, and the candy thing just happened. I see you've made some bad choices, too; you've got the fur and the fake snake hand and the--

[Snake Hand bites Desgrazio on the nose]

Desgrazio: Wait, you're not a cop!

Xavier: Welp, I think I taught you every word and stretch there is. Say cheese!

Don Ho's Hitman: [grunts three times, so as to say "Cheese"]

Xavier: So, what do you wanna do now?

Don Ho's Hitman: [grunts five times]

Xavier: Why would you want to commit suicide?!

[Don Ho's Hitman shoots himself, creating a copy of himself]

Xavier: I know you crave release from your misery, but you've just doubled your depression!

Xavier: This is what the tandem cycle of random violence breeds! A vengeful black hit-sludge with a grudge hath brought the reaper you've sown in the goo of your guilt, as the créme-de-karma is roosting home to harm ya. It always ends up boning the poor.

Free Range Manibalism [2.3]

Xavier: (monologue) Before long, she was turning tricks in a brothel for a pimp name of "Per Se."

Xavier: You her pimp?

Pimp:: I'm not a pimp, per se. But I could get you some per-se if you give me that fly-ass coat.

Xavier: I came for nuttin' and I got nuttin', like I never came.

Xavier: As long as one man goes hungry; no one should eat until everyone is full.

El Tornadador [2.4]

Xavier: And... what do you call these "wind monkeys?" Wi'gaboos?

Eric: Wiggers. I caught this wigger looking saucy at my mistress.

Xavier: You've totally broken wind!

Haunted Tonk [2.5]

Xavier: I'll let these kit shickers kit the shick out of me then let them shove the kack of their human shick in my face

Xavier: I'll let them kick the bejesus out of me and then rub the bee jizz into my hair

Damnesia Vu [2.6]

Gunman: [points revolver at Xavier] Do you believe in God?

Xavier: That's a complicated question. It depends on what you mean by 'God'. You see, I--

Gunman: [shoves gun into Xavier's face] Yes or no?

Xavier: [pushes gun away] It helps no one to be reductive. I think that, that we are here implies to some degree that there are forces larger than us. Now, we can get into the semanticalities

Gunman: [becoming agitated] Yes or no?!

Xavier: The very notion of belief itself can be be rhetorically whittled to the bare nub of its meaning. I'd like to talk to you a lot more about this, would you be interested in reading some of my literature?

Gunman: No!

[the Gunman shoots himself in the head]

Xavier: The last door holds the last reward.

(Xavier goes through the door and is turned into a little girl holding a doll in a pink room with her mother)

Xavier: I don't want to play with dollies, mommy. I want to travel the world, and help those who need it.

(Xavier appears in the middle of the desert playing the shakashuri, and sees a man sitting on the floor crying)

Xavier: What's wrong, little girl?

Homosexual Man: I can't go to heaven, 'cause I'm a gay.

Xavier: I'll smuggle you to heaven, via the underbrown maleroad.

(Xavier and the man enters a room with the pope sleeping with his buttocks exposed, and shoves the man through his anus)

Xavier: Once I shove you through this Trojan arse, you'll be the first gay-homo in heaven.

(Xavier beheads the pope with a golf club and the pope is transported to heaven)

Xavier: Mrs. Robinson and Uncle Tom, cruzo-mo!

(The man bursts out of the pope's body)

God: Intruder alert! There has been a breach in the system! Heaven will self destruct in 10 seconds if the intruder does not reveal themselves: 10... 9...

Homosexual Man: Okay, okay. It's me!

God: You have sacrificed yourself for the good of the hole. You are now the new messiah. What will be your first act as messiah!

Homosexual Man: My first act is...

(An African-American man breaks out of the homosexual man)

African-American Man: To drop the act! Now give me some white women for the first black man in heaven!

Going Normal [2.7]

Xavier: (After killing people he 'saved' from cryogenesis) That's it! I give up! I sacrificed everything - even your lives - for you people, and what do I get?!

Xavier: (Whilst peeling off a dead guys face and using it as a mask) I'll just fit in. Take on a normal life! Meet a nice job; hold down a well paying family!

Xavier: (To himself in a mirror) Now clutch the dark purple hairs of the galloping orangutan of normalcy and ride, nigga, ride!

Interviewer: Huh, impressive. You have a fresh approach to being normal

Xavier: [after being put on the spot for a new business idea by Peterson] I know I was moving my hot-dog in and out of Peterson's wife's buns last night.

Peterson: My wife is dead.

Xavier: I never said it was consensual. Don't worry, I used condiments. She enjoyed it with relish! Her mouth passed mustard! I could hardly ketchup to her va-gi-na!

Kharmarabionic Lotion [2.8]

Xavier: I gotta warn you, If you beat me up one day that pain will come back to me [Xavier folds himself in a sexual position] sexfold.

Tourist: Not you, freak. This here terroristical sand negroid. [He slams the Muslim against the ground] Take crime! Taste the hate!

Xavier: [picking up the muslim] They prefer to be called Sandfrican Americans.

Xavier: If you want to experience the real America you've got to build an artificial world, a robotic amusement park, full of android Americans programmed to be good to you and to let you into their humble lives.

Xavier: [trying to perform CPR on a dead man at a wake] People! A man has fallen! Man down, he needs help, you dark heartless rubberneckers sit back in black! Asses to asses! Butts in dust, doing nutting all over the face of this place!

Xavier: I hate to brag my britches but I'm a rather large medium when I penetrate the gray veil. Baleed me once I get this dead motor mouth yapping through me he won't stop chewing my lips off till I have to knock his black off and jack our mouths off.

Xavier: Mine is the story of a man searching far and wide, fat and thick and deep for his mother once thought dead. Have you seen her? She's about yay tall and about ooh big [cupping where breasts would be on his chest] and about ooh nice [groping his crotch]. I have a sketch you could print [pulls out sketch of himself]

Reporter: [Writing] Wow... look at him... go

Xavier: Does your paper have a missed connection section? Take this down! You: Sandy, 5ft blonde, pretty drunk, we made passing eye contact while you were giving birth to me. Me: single white male, thick and huge, I tore you up that night, coco?

Damnesia You [2.9]

Braingea's Final Cranny [2.10]

Xavier: [after having sex with his mother] I am no longer a momma's boy. She made me a mama's man.

Xavier: Hot dang, I'm cured!

Psychologist: Cured? Who said there was anything wrong with you?