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The Office (2005–13) is an American NBC situation comedy and mockumentary that depicts the everyday lives of office employees in the Scranton, Pennsylvania, branch of the fictional Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. It is based on the British show of the same name.

The List [8.1]

Robert: Here's what it is, it's a doodle. Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised, don't you think?

Andy: When I was a salesman I could just be like "not my job, not my prob, I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob!" ...Metaphorically, of course.

The Incentive [8.2]

Andy: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.

Robert: There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.

Lotto [8.3]

Darryl: I decided to stay home, eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Now my basement smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.

Jim: There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.

Dwight: Well, they whipped people, which was helpful.

Darryl: I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' about stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?

Garden Party [8.4]

Dwight: Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've gone too far.

Dwight: JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEE PEE HALPERT!

Spooked [8.5]

Toby: [about Dwight] Every Halloween, I tell him the same thing: "You can't bring weapons into the office." And every year, he says the same thing: "As soon as I get my weapons back, I'm gonna kill you."

Erin: Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?

Pam: Um, two?

Erin: That's like the second to last thing I wanted to hear.

Doomsday [8.6]

Toby: Do you know her last name yet?

Gabe: Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.

Toby: She's going to be screaming her own last name?

Andy: You're the deuce I never want to drop!

Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens. Like we block Minesweeper.

Dwight: Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.

Andy: What e-mails are you talking about?

Dwight: "Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.

Andy: That's not that bad actually.

Dwight: "PS: We should kill him."

Pam's Replacement [8.7]

Toby: You know it’s not just pregnant women who don’t get their due. You know who’s gorgeous? Helen Mirren.

Ryan: Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing.

Toby: You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It’s a pregnant Helen Mirren.

Pam: Dwight, am I hot right now?

Dwight: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.

Pam: What about before? Was I attractive before?

Dwight: Meh. You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.

Gettysburg [8.8]

Andy: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.

Robert: The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.

Stanley: Well, in the African American community...

Robert: No.

Christmas Wishes [8.10]

Dwight: What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?

Andy: That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.

Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side?

Andy: Light side.

Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?

Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.

Dwight: Thank you, Andy.

Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.

Andy: Ah, OK.

Erin: It's about you.

Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.

Erin: It's that I wish Jessica was dead.

Andy: Y-you...wait, you mean you wish she wasn't here or something?

Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground. With worms coming out of her mouth.

Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.

Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?

Trivia [8.11]

Dwight: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.

Gabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?

Dwight: Meat grinder.

Gabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.

Dwight: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.

Host: Alright guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait, except for The Einsteins.

Pool Party [8.12]

Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her, so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, "Whoa! Pump the brakes, Bernard, too early!" I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years.

Erin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive...and I believe him.

Jury Duty [8.13]

[Dwight visits Angela in the hospital to see her baby]

Dwight: Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions…[whispers] willingly, or as slaves.

[cut to Dwight in interview]

Dwight: That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.

Angry Andy [8.21]

[Andy confronts Robert and Nellie about her taking the manager position while he was away in Tallahassee]

Andy: You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.

Robert: Andy, why don't you just take a seat?

Andy: Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? [throws chair]

Erin: And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?

Andy: And your stupid face! [grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground]And your stupid office! AHHH!

[Andy punches a hole in the wall…again]

Darryl: He does not like that wall.