Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

The Cleveland Show was an American animated sitcom created by Seth MacFarlane, Richard Appel, and Mike Henry for the Fox Broadcasting Company as a spin-off of Family Guy. The series centers on the Browns and Tubbs, two dysfunctional families consisting of parents Cleveland Brown and Donna Tubbs and their children Cleveland Brown, Jr., Roberta Tubbs, and Rallo Tubbs. Similar to Family Guy, it exhibits much of its humor in the form of cutaway gags that often lampoon American culture.

Escape From Goochland

[Roberta is texting]
Cleveland Jr.: Thanks for making us so we can't have costumes, Roberta. You ruined Halloween!
Roberta: It's my mom and Cleveland's fault. They're the ones who said we can't buy costumes this year.
[Rallo comes by on a tricycle, dressed as a dummy]
Rallo: Except for me, 'cause I'm so cuuute! [stabs a tomato with a knife] Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
[he leaves]
Roberta: Awww. [to Cleveland Jr.] Look, I'm still going out this Halloween, and since I can't go with someone sexy, I'm gonna dress up as the least sexy thing possible. [changes her hair into Donna's] This is how I'm getting back at my mom.
Cleveland Jr.: You're gonna have sex with my dad!
Roberta: No! I'm going as my mom. And you should go as Cleveland. Then we could go out, egg houses, T.P. trees...
[a knife stab is heard and Rallo screams]
Rallo: I cut myself pretty bad!
Cleveland Jr.: And people will think Dad did it.
Roberta: Come on, Junior. Let's get you in Cleveland's clothes. [walks to the closet]
Cleveland Jr.: Okay, but don't look at my breasts. They're not finished.
Rallo: [off-screen] Oh, no, no, no. Y'all keep planning your pranks. I'll just sit over here and bleed out.

Menace II Secret Society

Rallo: Look what Nicki Minaj gave me! [he comes in with long pink hair] She also gave me this! [shows off his huge posterior he got from Nicki]

A General Thanksgiving Episode

Announcer: And now back to Mystery Science Magic Johnson Theater 3000.
Black Guy 1: Daaaaamn! The flying saucer just crashed the shit side!
Black Guy 2: Aw snap, that alien is all leavin the spaceship, yo!
Black Guy 1: Ohohh! Now he's shootin at the alien kid! He's shootin at him!
Rallo: Y'all shut up! I'm tryin to watch a movie!
Cleveland: Aah! What the hell, Rallo?!
Rallo: How come you felt that one and not the first four?
Cleveland: What? [sees darts behind] One, two, three, fourwhoa-whoa-whoa-okay we're leavin that in there.

Turkey Pot Die

[Cleveland Jr. gobbles like a turkey]
Cleveland: [sobbing] Sometimes, I see so much of your mother in you.
[Junior puts a piece of bread in his mouth and one turkey snaps at it]
Cleveland Jr.: [chuckles] I choose this one, Daddy. He put his pecker in my mouth.
Cleveland: Okay, okay. Shoot it.
[hands Junior a shotgun]
Cleveland Jr.: What? I'm not shooting this turkey. Killing innocent animals is wrong.
Cleveland: No animals are innocent. They are guilty of something. Besides, you eat turkey all the time.
Cleveland Jr.: That's turkey the food. This is turkey the animal. Benjamin Franklin thought turkeys were so noble, he suggested maybe they'd be America's national bird.
Cleveland: Benjamin Franklin was an athiest pedophile who flew kites to meet children. That's why God struck him with lightning.
Cleveland Jr.: I won't do it. Noooooooo!!!!!!

A Vas Deferens Between Men & Women

Cleveland: Guys, Donna and I are making a baby.
Holt: No you're not.
Cleveland: What?
Holt: You got a vasectomy.
Cleveland: No I didn't!
Lester: Yeah you did, six months ago. We all got drunk and played Truth or Dare – Holt got a tramp stamp, you got a vasectomy, and Tim tried meth.
Tim: One time, one time. [all teeth fall onto table] Okay, two.
Cleveland: A vasectomy?! So that's why my boys hurt for three weeks. I thought a spider had laid eggs in there.
Donna: Cleveland, I wanna have another baby.
Cleveland: [jumps novelty pen] Uh—wha!?
Donna: I wanna have another baby!
Cleveland: Donna, we just got rid of a baby. Let's enjoy our twilight years in peace. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write a letter, longhand, in the bathroom. [shuts door] Peen, pen. Pen, peen.
Donna: [lays back against the pillow] Donna wants a baby, Donna's gonna get a baby.
Cleveland: The mobile is awesome. I will hang it in my car. We are not having a baby.

'Tis the Cleveland to Be Sorry

Harris Grundle: Hey, Arch, you wanna be Santa?
Arch: No.
Harris Grundle: Will you do it anyway?
Arch: Yes.
Harris Grundle: Sorry, Kendra. The role's been filled.
Kendra: [takes her hat off] I've never been so embarrassed.
Arch: I doubt that.

Hustle 'N' Bros

[Cleveland lies down on the couch. he gets up and opens the door to see Freight Train and Robert]
Freight Train: Hey, tubby. We're back from Vegas.
Cleveland: So did you have fun with cool Robert?
Robert: Hell yeah. Did you know there is a hepatitis J? [laughs] Vegas is crazy.
Cleveland: Ho-ho, I know. I went to the M&M store once.
Freight Train: Yeah, we got real crazy. So crazy that we decided to make him and me official.
Cleveland: You got murried?
Freight Train: What?! Hell no. That would be ridiculous. I've adopted him. He's my son, now.
Cleveland: What?
Freight Train: I've always wanted a son I could point to and say "See that man over there? In a track suit? That's my son. My boy. My spawn. Nobody wears a track suit like my son."
Cleveland: You've never seen me in my romper. I'll go get it. [leaves]
Freight Train: [sighs; to Robert] Come on, cool son. Let's go wrestle up with some hustle.
Cleveland: [in his romper] Uh, Donna, get my back slip.
Donna: They're gone, Cleveland.
Cleveland: [trudging away and mumbling] My bottom's chilly.

Wide World of Cleveland Show

[Cleveland is in front of eight different country flags]
Cleveland: Cleveland Brown here. There are 15,000 countries in the world and The Cleveland Show is adapted to air in every single one of them. See if you can subtle the cultral differences.

Here Comes the Bribe

Donna: Cleveland, we're doing it. For Valentine's Day, I want us to have 1,000 new in ceremonny.
Cleveland: Oh, God!
Donna: I divided our tasks. I split up what we need to get done before hand.
Cleveland: What?! Build a gazebo? Rent a tasedo? And where for a telled you think I'm going to find 14 peacocks?
Donna: [begging] Please? After the ceremony, I'll let you do that thing I promised you to do for our wedding night that I like about it and if I let you do about it, I'd probably still learned about it now.
Cleveland: I'm in!
Cleveland: You do know that "She's dead to me" is just an expression.

Brownsized

Pins, Spins and Fins! (Shark Story Cut for Time)

Rallo: [after making a strike] He's unstoppable! [signals to Donna] The crowd wondering how he could even be related to that old, leathery bowling bag. Ha! Strike, turkey.
[Donna get three pins]
Donna: Oh, fudge me.
Rallo: Ha, already got you bustin' out the kid-friendly swear words. You know that? You got more exes in real life than you do in bowling. Ha! Strike, turkey.
Robert: Hey, Fifi! When you're done with that wee-wee, come help Pee-Wee with the free Wee-Fee!

A Rodent Like This

The Hangover: Part Tubbs

California Dreamin' (All the Cleves are Brown)

Donna: It's the dream you gave up for me.
Cleveland: I'm going back to the Family Guy again!?

Who Done Did It?

Fist and the Furious

Squirt's Honor

[Donna has just threatened to make Rallo take baths without dinosaur toys]
Rallo: Ah! You're a monster!
Donna: A monster on vacation.

Grave Danger

[after seeing the view from the burial plots Holt bought for the gang and their families]
Cleveland: Wow, I could stay here forever!
Holt: Yeah, that's kind of the idea.

Of Lice and Men

Donna: Rallo wake up, I have to tell you something, its not easy for me to say and its not gonna be easy for you to hear.
Rallo: Roberta's really my mom?
Donna: Don't ever say that again!

Mr. & Mrs. Brown

Rallo: Mom?
Donna: Yes, sweetheart?
Rallo: [clears his throat] Off-color terms for a woman's privates include: [bleep, bleep]. And most offensively, [bleep]. [smiles]
[Furious and offended, Donna kicks Rallo's door open, throws him in his room, and closes the door, leaving him alone with Junior, who is sleeping, moping around and still grounded]
Rallo: Hey, man. I couldn't let you serve out this sentence alone. So, is that top bunk taken? [pokes Junior] Junior?
Cleveland Jr.: [reveals his bald head and a tear in his eye] You sleep on the floor, 'cause you're my bitch.
Rallo: Please don't knock my teeth out!
Cleveland Jr.: [about to punch him] You're 5, you'll grow more.
Rallo: [backs away until he bumps into the door] Mama!
Donna: [annoyed, off-screen] What?
Rallo: It was me! I stole the candy bar! Junior had nothing to do with it, I swear! Please let him go!
Donna: [off-screen] Roberta?
Roberta: [off-screen] Fine by me.
Cleveland Jr.: [takes off the rubber bald head and wipes off the tear, revealing to be a charade] Thanks, Rallo. But do let me know when your teeth fall out. [skips happily and giggles]
Cleveland: Wow, Donna was dead-on. Oh, my god, Donna! Oh, what have I done?!
Donna: [sees a candy bar laying on the ground and picks it up] Where did this come from?
Cleveland Jr.: [claps hands] I hope a tree.
Donna: Rallo, did you steal this?
Rallo: What? Oh, 'cause I'm black?
Donna: Well, one of you boys stole it, and until someone comes cleaned, you're both grounded.
Rallo: Aw, for what?
Cleveland Jr.: On who's authority?
Donna: And Roberta, you were supposed to be watching them. You're grounded, too.
Roberta: Nuh-uh! How are you gonna cage a hurricane?
Donna: You know what? Because of that, [loudly] everybody's grounded!
Everyone: Aw...
15-year-old Hispanic girl: But it's my quinceanera.
Donna: You in America now.
Roberta: [to Rallo & Junior] All right, you booger eaters. My punishment is being in charge of your punishment. And I won't tolerate any humpin', bumpin', crumpin' or dumpin'.
Cleveland Jr.: What?!
Roberta: [leaves, slams door]
Junior: [throws down the clean stuff] Thanks alot, Rallo! I've never been grounded before!
Rallo: Look, relax. You're squeaky clean. As long as we apologize, Mom will unground us, time served, and you can go on about your creepy business.
Cleveland Jr.: I'm not apologizing for something I didn't do, you stole that candy!
Rallo: Fine, then I guess we're stuck here 'til you change your mind. [sits on the toilet seat and reads a book] [sees Junior staring at him] Look away. No, don't. Get used to this.
Rallo: [grunting] I'm gettin' strong in lock-up.
Cleveland Jr.: [giggles] That girl's called "Blubber". What a fat-ass.
Roberta: [to Rallo and Cleveland Jr. from downstairs; off-screen] Prisoner 1 and Prisoner 19, report downstairs.

Crazy Train

[after Junior rescues a little girl's cat from a tree]
Girl: Thank you, magical giraffe!
Rallo: [the white dog pees on him when Cleveland Jr. hid him in trees and branches] Oh, come on, dog. Why you gotta do me like that?
Cleveland: You're like a stripper, Donna. You just won't accept change.
[Donna denies the boys have the construction cherry picker]
Donna: You think I'd notice a stolen truck around here. I'm the head of this household and I pay attention to...
[Roberta wheels a keg past Donna in a bikini]
Roberta: Bye, Mom. Off to the library.
Donna: Study hard!
Cleveland: I brought plenty of peanut butter for protection.
Freight Train: Peanut butter?! Do I look like George Washington Carver?!
Cleveland: I don't know.
[Pulls out a book with Carver's picture and compares the two faces]
Cleveland: Kind of.
Freight Train: Hmm. I should remember that next Halloween.

Wheel! Of! Family!

[after Junior wins over Freight Train in the pole dancing competition]
Freight Train: You're the only pole dancer I know with a soul...and a wiener.
This article is issued from Wikiquote. The text is licensed under Creative Commons - Attribution - Sharealike. Additional terms may apply for the media files.