What are the odds that you are the first generation of humans who will understand reality?

Scott Adams (born 8 June 1957) is an American cartoonist and satirist, most famous for his Dilbert series of comic strips and books.

Quotes

If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.
Communism is the most painful path between capitalism and capitalism. ~ Scott Adams
  • Communism is the most painful path between capitalism and capitalism.
  • Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons
    • Title of book, Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons (1995)
  • These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print.
    • The Dilbert Principle (1995)
  • Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.
    • The Dilbert Principle (1995)
  • Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
    • The Dilbert Principle (1996), p. 174; ISBN 0-88730-787-6
  • There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens.
    • Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel (2002)
  • People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.
    • Dilbert, in Daily Dilbert (26 March 2005)
  • As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.
  • If there is one thing that our role models in this election have taught us, it's that omitting important information is completely different from lying.
  • The biggest issue in this election is something called flip-flopping, and all candidates are accused of doing it. A strong leader is expected to maintain steadfast resolve in his opinion even if the environment changes or he gets new information. In any other context, that would be considered the first sign of a brain tumor. When presidents do it, it's called leadership, and frankly, we can't get enough of it.
  • Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.
  • There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.
  • If an economist uses a complicated model to predict just about anything, you can ignore it. By analogy, a doctor can’t tell you the exact date of your death in 50 years. But if a doctor tells you to eat less and exercise more, that’s good advice even if you later get hit by a bus. Along those same lines, economists can give useful general advice on the economy, even if you know there will be surprises. Still, be skeptical.
    • Press release, 10 September 2008
  • The reality is that women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently. It's just easier this way for everyone. You don't argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn't eat candy for dinner. You don't punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don't argue when a women tells you she's only making 80 cents to your dollar. It's the path of least resistance. You save your energy for more important battles.

  • The part that interests me is that society is organized in such a way that the natural instincts of men are shameful and criminal while the natural instincts of women are mostly legal and acceptable. In other words, men are born as round pegs in a society full of square holes. Whose fault is that? Do you blame the baby who didn't ask to be born male? Or do you blame the society that brought him into the world, all round-pegged and turgid, and said, "Here's your square hole"?

    The way society is organized at the moment, we have no choice but to blame men for bad behavior. If we allowed men to act like unrestrained horny animals, all hell would break loose. All I'm saying is that society has evolved to keep males in a state of continuous unfulfilled urges, more commonly known as unhappiness.

  • Years later, when "Dilbert" was in thousands of newspapers, people often asked me if I ever imagined being so lucky. I usually said no, because that's the answer people expected. The truth is that I imagined every bit of good fortune that has come my way. But in my imagination I also invented a belt that would allow me to fly and had special permission from Congress to urinate like a bird wherever I wanted. I wake up every morning disappointed that I have to wear pants and walk. Imagination has a way of breeding disappointment.
  • My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser.
    • "Phone". Scott Adams Blog (2010-09-03). Retrieved on 2011-09-30.

Restaurant menus

  • You might think the word “homemade” is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don’t realize is that the staff sleeps here at night. If your tablecloth is wrinkled, that’s why.
  • If you think it’s easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you’ve probably never tried.
  • Named after the great romaine emperor, Julius Salad.
  • This sandwich used to include endive, but no one wanted to eat a BELT.
  • Our salmon sandwiches are so good you’ll want to swim upstream to our kitchen and spawn. But please don’t.
  • If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.
  • This dish might not turn you into a syndicated cartoonist, but whatever you’re doing now probably isn’t working either.
  • If you don’t believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.
  • Biblical scholars tell us that this is the same meal that Jesus ate at the last supper. But hey, I’m sure you have a good reason for ordering something else.
  • Our scallops are so delicious your mouth will thank you, which is creepy because your mouth can actually talk.

See also

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