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The following is a list of quotes from the first season of Regular Show.

The Power [1.1a]

[First lines of the series]

Rigby: Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! [A Beef Burrito doll lies silently on the floor] I'LL KILL YOU!!!

[He pats his elbow and jumps onto a trampoline, body-slamming the doll. He then elbows the doll multiple times, and body slams it once more. He picks up the doll and moves its arm, making it punch himself in the face. Behind him, Mordecai is calling to him]

Mordecai: Tag up! Tag up!

[Pretending to be weakened, Rigby walks over to Mordecai and high-fives him. As Rigby drinks a soda, Mordecai pulls the Beef Burrito doll away. Rigby slams the soda can onto the ground and lets out a ferocious cry. Mordecai sets the doll up next to a bed before walking away onto the shelves]

Rigby: What?! [silence] Oh, you want us to put the hurt on you? [Mordecai grabs Rigby] I think he wants me to put the hurt on him!

Mordecai: I think he wants you to put the hurt on him!

Rigby: You think he wants me to put the hurt on him?!

Mordecai: Yes, I do!

[Mordecai & Rigby scream. Mordecai throws Rigby down onto the trampoline, launching him into the wall. The impact leaves a large hole in the wall and Rigby ends up in a trash can]

Rigby: Uhhh..... [Stands up] Uuuuhhhhyyyy.... [Removes trash can] Yea-uh!! Did you see how awesome it was when I hit the trampoline?

Mordecai: Hahahaha! Yeah, I did! But it wasn't as awesome as when you punched that hole in the wall!

[They both begin laughing]

Mordecai: I can't believe I listened to you! I knew should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.

Rigby: But it was fun.

Mordecai: Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23-years-old. We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls, we're gonna get FIRED for this!

Rigby: You mean you're gonna get fired for this.

Mordecai: What?!

Rigby: You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!

Mordecai: Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle!

Rigby: Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the H are we gonna fix this S? [In reruns, the line is changed to "Now, how in the heck are we gonna fix this stuff?"]

Mordecai: I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.

Rigby: No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.

Mordecai: Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.

Rigby: Dude. [beat] ..You are a genius! Of course, raises!

Mordecai: Okay, dude, here's—

Rigby: Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.

Mordecai: What?

Rigby: Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, "We both want raises." [starts hamboning, but mordecai pushes him away]

Mordecai: No, man, Stop it! We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—

Rigby: No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! "Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?" C'MON!! I'm tellin' ya, dude! Hamboning~!!

Mordecai: No...

Rigby: Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, "What? You tryin' to mug me?" [starts hamboning again and mordecai shoves him away]

Mordecai: No!! We're not doing that! okay?! OKAY?!?!

Rigby: Fine...

Rigby: Ha-ha-ha! We did it! Yeah! Hey, that's mine!

Benson: Nope. You sent him to the moon so the least you can do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?

Skips: Right. (Smashes the piano.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Aww!

Benson: And let's have it.

Rigby: What?

Benson: (Turning Red) THE $40 YOU TWO CONNED OUT OF ME WITH THAT STUPID KEYBOARD CRAP! I know you still got it! Now give it... back! (Rigby sighs then gives Benson the two $20 notes.) NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED! Ugh, can you believe this?

Skips: No. (Door Shuts)

Just Set Up the Chairs [1.1b]

Mordecai: Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??

Rigby: LAAAAA~ME!!!

Benson: I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!

Mordecai: You callin' us slackers?

Rigby: Did he!? Did you!?

Mordecai: He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.

Benson: Good. Do it then.

Mordecai: We will.

Rigby: Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?

[Benson looks at Mordecai, shrugs]

Benson: Fine.

Mordecai & Rigby: OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!

Benson: ...Just set up the chairs...

Benson: YOU!!!

Mordecai: Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.

[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]

Muscle Man: Wooo!! This birthday party's hot!

Rigby: So we're cool, right?

Benson: YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something very important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!

[beat.]

Mordecai & Rigby: OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!

Benson: But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the special entertainment!

Mordecai: Yeah, no problem!

Rigby: We got it!

Mordecai: Don't worry about us!

Rigby: ...We're gonna take a break first, right?

Mordecai: Yeah.

Caffeinated Concert Tickets [1.2a]

Mordecai: You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.

Rigby: Everybody hates you!

Mordecai: Oh, and I just realized something...

Translator: What?

Mordecai: Your coffee...sucks.

Mordecai and Rigby: OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!

Death Punchies [1.2b]

Rigby: Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!

Mordecai: Dude, I'M player one. YOU'RE player two.

Rigby: I don't wanna be player two! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.

Mordecai: Dude, they're exactly the same!

Rigby: Then why don't YOU be player two?

Mordecai: [scoffs] I'm not usin' that stinky pickaxe.

Rigby: HAH! SEE?!

Mordecai: We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! [imitating a doctor] Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!

Rigby: STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it!

Mordecai: [laughs] That's right! We used to call you the "One-Cheek Wonder!" Dude, I'm bringing it back.

Rigby: You better not!

Muscle Man: Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies will cheeks like those!

Free Cake [1.3a]

Rigby: There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!

Mordecai: Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.

Rigby: Who's to say it's not my birthday?

Mordecai: ...Who's to say it's not MY birthday?

Mordecai and Rigby: FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!

Benson: It's NEITHER of your birthdays.

Rigby: Aw, man! He's killing us with that!

Mordecai and Rigby: No cake....no cake....

Pops: {appears from inside the bushes} But it IS Skips' birthday!

Mordecai and Rigby: FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!

Benson: But he's really private about it.

Mordecai and Rigby: No cake....no cake....

Benson: Come to think of it, I don't think we've EVER had a party for Skips.

Wedding Entryman: Do you know the bride, or the groom?

Mordecai and Rigby: Uhhhh...

Mordecai: The one with the cake?

Wedding Entryman: [quickly closes red rope to wedding]

Mordecai and Rigby: UUUUUUHH...

Meat Your Maker [1.3b]

Mordecai: [puts arms up]

Rigby: No. No, don't!

Mordecai: It's too late. [begins to move arms together]

Rigby: Come on dude, don't!

Mordecai: It's already in motion.

Rigby: Well, put it out of motion!

Mordecai: [crosses arms] You pissed/ticked me off.

Mordecai: Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it...

Rigby: Dude, I fix stuff all the time!

Mordecai: No, you don't!

Rigby: What do you mean?!

Mordecai: The cart, the shoes, the party, that other party...

Rigby: Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!

Mordecai: Muscle Man wasn't even there!!

Rigby: Fine, I'll fix it!

Grilled Cheese Deluxe [1.4a]

Benson: What are you doing with my sandwich?!

Mordecai: What?

Rigby: Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is our sandwich.

Benson: This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says "Benson" on the BAG?!?

Rigby: Huh? It's supposed to say "Rigby," but they misspelled my name wrong.

Benson: [goes red] STOP LYING!!!

Mordecai: Dude, I thought you said you bought this!

Benson: NO, HE DIDN'T BUY IT!!! NOW GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUTTS, AND GO GET ME ANOTHER GRILLED CHEESE DELUXE!!! [slams door]

Mordecai: [groans] You ruined our day off.

Rigby: Ah, don’t worry, dude. The line won’t be that long.

Benson: Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all day! (Mordecai gives Benson his burned Grilled Cheese Deluxe) What the--What happened to my sandwich?!

Rigby: [rambling] There were spacemen...at Cheezers...and the two...we went down and...everyone wore sweatpants...even us...and then the room...with the bad stuff...but...we saved the city with your sandwich.

Benson: [sighs] Why do you always have to lie to my face?

Mordecai: We ran it over by accident.

Benson: See? Was it so hard to tell the truth...?

[Jones and Barry throw Mordecai and Rigby out of their van]

Jones: If YOU ever lie about being astronauts again, YOU'RE DEAD!

Rigby: We Saved The City, Astro!-- (The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag at Rigby and their van drives away.)

The Unicorns Have Got to Go [1.4b]

Rigby: If you buy that cologne, then I'm gonna lose all respect for you!

Mordecai: Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.

Mordecai: Dude, these guys aren't trying to help me. They're just messing with me.

Rigby: Dude, they're just partying.

Mordecai: How is this supposed to help me get the ladies?

Rigby: They got you a lady.

(We see a long-haired man with an open green shirt on a chair in the corner. He has stubble on his chin, a necklace, wristbands, blue jeans, and cowboy boots)

Mordecai: That's not a lady. (approaches Billy, who's drinking soda with the 2nd Unicorn. He puts his hand on Billy's shoulder) Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret.

Billy: (angrily) Something's touching me! (elbows Mordecai, who flies onto the floor. The unicorns laugh)

Rigby: Hey, bros, check this out. (approaches Mordecai) Here, let me help you up. (He pulls his hand away at the last second) Psych! Why don't you ask Margaret to help you up? Ohhhhh!

(The unicorns all laugh)

Mordecai: You know what, Rigby? Have fun with your new friends, you jerk! Oh, and just so you know, when Benson finds out about your friends and their little hangout time, he's probably gonna fire you. Later, bro! (leaves)

Rigby: (worried) Mordecai, wait! (the door shuts off-screen)

Jimmy: (from upstairs) Bros! I found a trampoline!

Rigby: No! (runs up to his room) What are you doing to my bed?!

Jimmy: You sleep on this, bro?

Rigby: Get off it!

Jimmy: Right after this somersault! (flips in mid air and his horn rips the trampoline, falling to the floor. Rigby gasps) Bros, this trampoline's all over me! Help me get it off!

(The unicorns run in, chanting 'bros', and in a matter of seconds reduce the trampoline to torn fabric and twisted metal)

Rigby: My bed!

(Billy and 3rd Unicorn are shown by the closet door)

Billy: Hey, bro. You know this nerd?

(They open the closet door to show Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook. Benson rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)

Billy: Check this out. (gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them) What's the matter, Rigbone? You like that nerd or something?

3rd Unicorn: (taps Rigby's shoulder) Yeah, dude. Chill out, And have a DRINK! (sprays him with a soda can, temporarily blinding Rigby)

(In his confusion, Rigby stumbles between the unicorns, who have formed a circle with the intention of repeatedly farting on him)

Mordecai and Rigby: Hey, Skips...

Rigby: We have a problem.

Skips: Unicorns?

Rigby: How'd you know?

Skips: They peed on my lawn.

(Scene cuts to daytime, with a close-up of a hand turning a valve and Water is shown flying from a hose. Benson is hosing down Mordecai and Rigby, who are screaming after getting soaked)

Benson: (angrily) I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here! You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up, or you'll wish it was YOU DRIVING THAT CAR!!!

Rigby: The unicorn one? (Benson sprays Rigby with the hose and Rigby falls over screaming) COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!

Benson: (to Mordecai) And YOU!!! (Mordecai screams, shaking in fear) Quit spraying that cologne! It's not gonna get you any ladies. Idiots... (walks away)

Prank Callers [1.5a]

Mordecai: [calls Benson]

Benson: Hello?

Mordecai: Hey, Benson, got any books by.....Joe Mama!?

Benson: Who is this?

[Mordecai and Rigby laugh loudly]

Benson: [from phone] Wherever this is coming from, I will track you down and I will find you...!

Mordecai: Dude, he's still on the phone!

Rigby: He's STILL on the phone!?

Mordecai: He's STILL ON THE PHONE!!!

[both convulse in fits of laughter]

Benson: (bangs the door open) Hang up that phone! You think your little pranks are funny, huh? You think they're funny? Well, what do you guys think of my prank? Ring ring! Hello, what's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned using the house phone? Okay. (Goes red and angrily smashes the phone) GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!! (Slams door)

Mordecai: Dude, let's use Pops' phone.

Mordecai's Voice: "Hello?"

Master Prank Caller: 'This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—'

Mordecai's Voice: "Hello?"

Master Prank Caller: 'I said this is the Master Prank—'

Mordecai's Voice: "Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you."

Master Prank Caller: 'I SAID THIS IS THE MASTER PRANK CALLER—!!'

Mordecai's Voice: "Hello? Hello, are you there?"

Master Prank Caller: RRRGH!!! [WOOSH] I SAID—!!

Mordecai's Voice: "Ha ha! Just kidding. You just got pranked, loser!" [BEEP]

Master Prank Caller: NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Don [1.5b]

Don: Benson, give me some sugar! [hugs Benson] Nice to meet you! [points to Pops] Hey, who's this guy?

Pops: I'm Pops!

Don: Pops, give me some sugar!

Pops: [runs laughing to Don and hugs him]

Don: [hugs Skips] Don. Good to meet you. [to Mordecai] Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.

Mordecai: [hugs Don] Yeah, I know! It's been forever!

Don: Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!

Rigby: Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?

Don: Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.

Rigby: AUGH..!! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!

Don: What, bro?

Benson: [mouthing] You keep your mouth SHUT!

Rigby: ..Nothing....

Benson: Okay. We only have tell 3:00 to stop the AUDIT. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?

Muscle Man: I know some one who can help...

Benson: (angry) If you say you're mom, you're fired!

Muscle Man: (Long Pause) MY MOM!

Benson: GET OUT!

Muscle Man: It was worth it! (He And HFG High-Five And Walk Away)

Mordecai: Yeah. Don really made that party.

Benson: Call your brother.

Rigby: No!

Benson: CALL YOUR BROTHER!

Rigby: NO! I HATE HIM!!!

Benson: Fine! Mordecai, you call him.

Rigby: You better not!

Mordecai: Dude, he could save the park.

Rigby: Dude, he could ruin my life! If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave!

Benson: No, you won't! You be nice to your brother, OR YOU'RE FIRED! [to Mordecai] Call him.

Mordecai: [to Rigby] Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.

[Rigby growls]

Rigby's Body [1.6a]

Mordecai: [groans] This... sucks.

Rigby: What's that supposed to mean?

Mordecai: It means that the next time we get to pick our job for the day, I get to pick. Why did you pick the snack bar?! This is like the worst job at the park, dude!

Rigby: I think it's the funnest job at the park.

Mordecai: You don't really think that. You just don't want to admit that you're wrong.

Rigby: Why would I admit something that I'm not?

Mordecai: Dude, seriously — this is more boring than watching you try to read a children's book.

Rigby: Is it more boring than your FACE?!

Mordecai: I don't know, is it more boring than my fist in your face?!

Rigby: Is it more boring than my fist in your face, you TURD?!!

Mordecai: You're a turd!

Rigby: No, you're a turd!!

Mordecai: You're the turd!

[Mordecai and Rigby scuffle]

Pops: Mordecai, Rigby! Stop! We can all be turds!

[...]

Mordecai & Rigby: Oh, hey Pops.

Mordecai: Dude, I'm telling you. If you keep eating like that, your body's gonna quit on you.

Rigby: Stop talking!

Mordecai: Whatever. I'm just trying to help.

[at MM's and Fives' shift at the snack bar]

Muscle Man: This...sucks! Wait.. what is that?

[a bucket on a roller blade squiggles closer and closer, at the door—]

Rigby: GIMME SOME SNACKS!!!

High Five Ghost: What are you~?!

Muscle Man: Looks like a bucket of diarrhea...

Rigby: It's me, Rigby!!

Muscle Man: Oh man! THAT BOOT WITH WHEELS STOLE RIGBY'S VOICE!!

Rigby: No! I didn't steal anything!

Muscle Man: You're not stealin' these voices! C'mon Fives, let's bail!! [runs off]

Rigby: Come back!!

Muscle Man: No way, bro!

Rigby: It's me, Rigby!! [falls down] Aw, man!

Skips: Quick! Before the sun sets!

Pops: Glorious.

Mordecai: Dude, how do you feel?

Rigby: (Screaming)

(Cut to the snack bar.)

Rigby: Well Mordecai, I guess you were right about the snack bar being lame. Especially now that we're not eating all the free snacks.

Mordecai: Oh, about that, those snacks weren't free.

Rigby: What?

Mordecai: Turns out. Only Pops gets snacks for free.

Rigby: Pops?

Mordecai: Yeah. And I guess we're supposed to work here for the next six months just to pay for it all.

Rigby: Oh, turds!

Mordecai and the Rigbys [1.6b]

Record Player: Now, what is the first thing that all good musicians require?

Mordecai: Talent?

Record Player: Yes!...Good personal hygiene is the key to becoming a successful gentleman musician!!

Mordecai: Yes, I wanna be in a band with you! All right, but we gotta have a cool band name. What do think of, "Cool Dudes?"

Rigby: "Face Punch!"

Mordecai: "dude face punch sounds lame, why not AC/DC

Rigby: "Helicopter Crash!"

Mordecai: What about..."dum-dum money eaters?"

Rigby: That's it, that's it!!

Mordecai: Order the shirts! Order the shirts!

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