Osmosis Jones is a 2001 part animated, part live action film whose title character is Osmosis Jones, a white blood cell who takes on a deadly virus.

Directed by Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly. Written by Marc Hyman.

Osmosis Jones

• Yo, you see this badge? You see this gun? You see this gooey white sackous membraneous 'round my personhood? Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here! I should be out in the veins, fightin' disease, not in the mouth on tartar control!
• Osmosis Jones to dispatch. We got multiple germs - I repeat, multiple germs - comin' down the windpipe, and if these bad boys hit the blood stream, we're gonna be illin'! I'm talkin' nose-drippin', chicken soup-drinkin', rectal thermometer-stickin' illin'!
• You want Osmosis? You got Osmosis!
• [from trailer] Disease is the crime, I'm the cure!
• [The Chief asks Jones where he was in their conversation] You were just starting to say how you were giving me ...a promotion to Head of Brain Security, I believe. Yep.
• [Thrax demands to know who the undercover Jones really is] Who am I? WHO AM I?! A "Bad Booty-Shaken Pickanosis", yeah, that's who I am.
• [Drix shoves his gun arm into the flu shot's mouth and Osmosis gets an idea] Uh-oh, you done done it now, Chill. This guy's a psycho cop. You had your chance to spill it, but it's too late. This guy just got off the thorazine, and now he's Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! He's going El Pollo Loco on your crazy behind!
• I know sugar pills who cured cancer, because they believed.
• [After Jones gets punched in the face] Why did you hit so hard?
• [To Thrax when his claw gets stuck in Shane's false eyelash] She ain't going down! You are!
• Drips, sometimes being too careful is all it takes.
• [story to before the beginning of the movie] A couple of years ago, I crusin' the digestive track, just minding my own business. Outside it was Shane's school's science fair. And everyone was real excited, 'cause the winner was gonna get their picture on the front page of the local paper. I was workin' in the kidneys when I heard about a 631 in progress, that's incoming shellfish so I headed down to the stomach just to be safe. And then I saw him! He rode in on the clammiest lookin' oyster I've ever seen! [he sees the virus and panics to finds a way to keep Frank healthy after he sees the Emergency only Puke button.] There was no time to ask questions, so I did what I had to do. You can probably guess which photo made it to the front page of the paper the next day. Overnight, Frank became the town laughingstock. The photo got picked up and ran in every daily across the country. He even got fired from his job at the pea soup factory. Lucky for us, our old friend Bob hooked up Frank with a job at the zoo. It was a 90% cut in pay, but, it was the best we can do. Needless to say, none of this helped Shane. And as for me, I got suspended for unnecessary force. Since then, not a day's gone by that I haven't wondered: "Did I do the right thing?"

Drixenol

• [first line] Special Agent Drixo-Benzo-Medapedramine. [changes tone of voice to more commercial-friendly] Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes! Warning: Do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets. You can call me Drix.
• Funny, he doesn't look fluish.
• I'd like to examine your irritated areas.

Thrax

• [first line] Careful, I'm contagious. Ow.
• Think I'll turn up the heat in here!
• Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
• Hit all the pressure valves. They're about to blow the scene.
• You see this? This little DNA bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California... didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one: nice lady in Detroit, Motown. Six days flat. Then there's this old guy in Philly. I killed him in 72 hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record! Until my man Frank, that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours! Get my own chapter in the medical books!
• Well, what do we have here? An officer of Frank's finest. Somebody lay down a towel! [points his heat-glowing claw at Jones' face] This is gonna be messy...
• [after killing two other germs] Medical books aren't written about losers!
• [after seeing Frank's bad dreams; terrified] Whew! This cat was sick before I even got here.
• You know what, Jones? You want this chain so bad? Big Daddy Thrax is going to let you have it! [begins choking Osmosis with the chain] Looks good on you Jones! You wear it well! It's a shame you came all this way just to die!
• [last word] Can you feel the heat, Jones? [chuckles evilly] Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl. [Osmosis Jones: She ain't going down! You are!] What?! NOOOOOOOO!!!

Frank Detorre

• Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many fruits and vegetables is because they're not smart enough to butcher a cow. Your mother - God bless her soul - she didn't believe the old-fashioned ideas about nursing and breast-feeding and all that. Uh-uh, you were fed cheeseburgers as a baby, and look at you. You're as big as a house, you're as strong as a bull, you smell like a cow. Your cholesterol's probably a little high, but they have medicine for that now. You can get an angioplasty, get it all cleared out. You're doing great, honey. All right, I'll start workin' out tomorrow. I gotta start taking better care of myself, okay?
• [first lines] Well, sometimes I think I should be hanging out with a better class of animals. [sees monkeys scratching their behinds] Oh, come on, hey! Have some class will ya? We got mixed company down here. [scratches his own behind]
• Oh, that is much prettier. Tom Brokaw called her Hurly.
• Is beer fluid?
• [after almost dying, but returning to life; to Shane] Mom says "Hi"
• [last lines] What the heck? Out with the old, in with the new.

Mrs. Boyd

• [after laughing hysterically] Oh my God, I got the giggles.
• [sees Frank's enormous pimple; quietly] What a zit! I mean, What is it? What is it? What do you want?
• You want me to call the cops? Or maybe Shane would like to know about the 200 yard restraining order that's still in effect?
• Oh. [laughing sarcastically] Humiliated. [angrily] I'll tell you about humiliation, you turned me into a walking air sickness bag, my whole family was humiliated, do you understand that? Do you have any idea of the—the teasing that my little sons Ralph and Chuck have had to endure?
• Shane has nothing to do with this. I would never hold anything against one of my students. [she sees her students looking at her and Frank] GET BACK TO WORK!

Dialogue

Osmosis Jones: Whoo-hoo! Next time, I'll be the bad cop.

Drix: You are a bad cop.

Osmosis Jones: Yo, who ya calling "bad cop"?!

Drix: Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded!

Osmosis Jones: Yo, Hammer! You can stop dancing!

Osmosis Jones: Goodbye, Drips.

Drix: That's Drix.

Osmosis Jones: Whatever.

Osmosis Jones: In the words of the immortal James Brown: GET DOWN!

Drix: James who?!

[deleted scene]

Drix: The eye? What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve hour time release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.

Osmosis Jones: Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, get your butt out of my car!

Drix: Oh! I don't even have a butt. Officer, if I don't get to the sinuses, my entire relief mission could be jeopardized.

Osmosis Jones: Yo, it's time we take a look at the big picture. See? The Big F. He's the one we're here to protect and serve. I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he make you want to be a better cell?

Drix: [Drix sees Frank clean his tongue] Ew! I see why you feel such a strong connection.

Osmosis Jones: Hey, watch it! Show the man some respect! He's the reason all of us are here.

Drix: Take me to the nose!

Osmosis Jones: Dude, just wait in the car. I got police work to do.

Osmosis Jones: Baby, I always knew you and me were gonna hook up. I know this little spot right behind the eye, has the perfect view - perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I been sayin' it a long time.

Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?

Osmosis Jones: Whatcha talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me.

Leah: Oh, really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who most likely divides with himself.

Leah: [on a recently ingested cold pill] Whoa, this is huge.

Osmosis Jones: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar, ya know.

Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.

Osmosis Jones: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before!

Osmosis: So, where you from, tough stuff?

Drix: I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.

Osmosis: Great, got me a college boy...

Drix: Where did you study?

Osmosis: Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.

Drix: Oh...

Osmosis: I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.

Drix: Oh?

Osmosis: No, it was in the crack. [Drix whimpers] Right in the stanky, puckered center. We were so poor, we lived off of peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?

Drix: OK, I get it. You were poor.

Osmosis: You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!

Drix: OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!

Osmosis: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.

Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.

Osmosis: Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?

Drix: NO!

Scabies: Did the Foot Fungus pay up yet?

Joe Cramp: Nah. That guy's getting flaky on us.

Scabies: Well, you ain't gonna collect nothin' from him up here in the pit! Now get down there, send him a message.

[Thrax strolls into the sweat gland spa, humming]

Thrax: So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.

Bruiser: Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat-gland. Now beat it!

Thrax: I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.

Scabies: Yo, Red, we run the rackets around here. Take your little hustle someplace else.

Thrax: Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle. This is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen.

Scabies: Look who thinks he's the ebola virus, huh? [he and his thugs laugh]

Thrax: [angrily] ...Ebola? [shoves past Bruiser and Joe Cramp] Let me tell you about ebola, baby: ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!

Scabies: All right, pal, you're outta here. Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done with you, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths to get you out!

Thrax: Hmm, sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.

Osmosis Jones: I bet Johnny Streptoccocus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.

Chill: You can't jack me on that, brother! I'm in the Virus Protection Program.

Drix: My, what big zits he has. How does something like this happen?

Osmosis Jones: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.

Thrax: And who are you?

Osmosis Jones: Who am I? Who am I? Uh, Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis. Yeah! That's who I am!

Thrax: I never heard of you.

Osmosis Jones: That's cause you just got here. You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis stands above the rest.

Dispatcher: [over radio] Suspect is headed toward the uvula - repeat, headed toward the uvula.

Osmosis Jones: What the heck is a u-va-la?

Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's--

Osmosis Jones: [interrupting] Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!

Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!

[Pause]

Osmosis Jones: I knew that. I knew that.

Shane: I'm not going.

Frank: You're not going where, hon?

Shane: To Buffalo. I'm not going.

Frank: Honey, I'm- we're all packed. Buffalo's gonna be a blast.

Shane: I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us.

Frank: Well, I don't think-

Shane: I'd really like you to come.

Frank: No. No, no. No, no, no, I- You don't want me huffing and puffing after you. If you want to go camping, Okay, I'll-- I know I can get uncle Bob to go with me in Buffalo. [lays down on couch]

Shane: [frustrated] I'm tired of this! It's not fair! I go where you want to go, I eat what you want to eat. Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself?

Frank: I think about you all the time.

Shane: Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?

Frank: Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!

Shane: You know, dad, maybe if you and mom listened to me a little more and took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here.

Frank: Will you knock off that hamburger talk? Come here, honey. Hey... [Shane sits next to him] your mom died... because she got sick.

Shane: And how do you think you get sick?

Frank: Germs.

Shane: It's the way you eat. [Shane rolls her eyes and sighs frustratingly; leaves room]

Taglines

• He's one cell of a guy
• Every body needs a hero

Cast

External links

• Osmosis Jones quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Osmosis Jones at Rotten Tomatoes