All You Need Is Love [1.01]

Dan: How did you get appointed to the bench?

Harry: You know Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office and it was a Sunday and my name was at the bottom of the list of a 1,000 candidates. So they start calling folks starting at the top of the list. You see it's Sunday and no one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name. No one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and voila.

Lana: You mean you were appointed a judge because…

Harry: I was home.

Harry: Mr. Prosecutor, Ms. Gardener, I am prepared to listen to the testimony, cross-examine the witnesses, consider the precedents that I'm sure you've both prepared, but I don't think that's gonna be necessary.

Lana: [shouting] What do you mean it's not necessary?

Harry: I'm glad you asked. We will now take a short recess. During that time I order the defendant, Mrs. Kerr and her husband, Mr. Kerr and the attorneys involved to go to a nearby restaurant, sit down, have a cup of coffee, relax, try to work out this little thing.

Dan: Your Honor, this is highly irregular.

Harry: Thanks. Court's recessed.

...

Lana: You're crazy. I mean an attempted murder and you send the plaintiff and the defendant out for a cup of coffee. What do murders get? Brunch?

Harry: Alright my methods are informal. [Lana giggles] Hey give them a chance. They might work. Maybe just maybe, it will work. [Sheila and Dan enter with tattered clothes] Then again, maybe someday pigs will fly.

Santa Goes Downtown [1.02]

Lana: Strange day, huh? I'm sure there must be an explanation for everything.

Harry: I'm sure there must be.

Lana: Like what?

Liz: He overheard some policemen talking perhaps.

Bull: Yeah or he picked up the phone when we weren't looking, disguised his voice, took down the information, replaced the receiver without us noticing and we were none the wiser.

Dan: You will already be none the wiser.

Dr. Green: Judge Harold T. Stone?

Harry: I'm Judge Stone.

Dr. Green: Dr. Peter Stone, Windwood Psychiatric Center. The police called me, told me I might find John here.

Harry: John?

Dr. Green: John Stevens. The man in the red flannel suit.

Harry: Oh that John Stevens.

John: Dr. Green, what a surprise.

Dr. Green: Hello John. I feel fortunate. We usually don't catch him this soon after Christmas.

Harry: You don't?

Dr. Green: No, every year he disappears just before Christmas. Usually manages to elude us till about the first of February.

Bull: You mean this guy's a fruitcake?

Harry: Bull.

Bull: I'm sorry. Alleged fruitcake.

The Former Harry Stone [1.03]

Dan: So Craven prints it, now what's the worst that can happen?

Harry: Well I'd be publicly disgraced, making it impossible for me to function effectively as a judge. I'd have to step down.

Dan: Right, but you've still got your health. I'm sorry. I've never tried to cheer up anybody before.

Harry: What's next?

Lana: Next we have a rather unusual case, Your Honor.

[A man in a tuxedo and a woman in a white gown enter.]

Harry: What's the problem?

Groom: She's a slut.

Bride: He's an animal.

Harry: Off the top of my head, marital problems?

Lana: Not quite, Your Honor. They never finished the ceremony.

Welcome Back, Momma [1.04]

Liz: Your honor, I know I haven't been here very long and sometimes I, well something I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'd like to pass on some advice that my Uncle Lionel used to give me: Talk with your head but listen with your heart.

Harry: He sounds like a wise man.

Liz: Yeah. We have no idea why he killed himself.

Harry: Miss Brandon, do you have anything to say?

Ms. Brandon: Yes, you're even better looking than I imagined.

Lana: I'll get those paper bags now.

Ms. Brandon: When Harry was four his hair was dark like his Uncle Otto. Who would think it would've lightened up so much?

Dan: Yes, it goes nicely with the robe.

Harry: You know my Uncle Otto?

Ms. Brandon: Of course.

Harry: Then I take it we have met.

Ms. Brandon: A long time ago.

Harry: I'm afraid you have the advantage Ms. Brandon I just don't remember you.

Ms. Brandon: Well how could you? The last time I saw you, you were only five.

Harry: Ms. Brandon?

Ms. Brandon: Harry, I'm your mother.

Harry: Oh, pleased to meet you.

The Eye Of The Beholder [1.05]

Lana: [after Bull's outburst] I have never seen Bull act like that.

Dan: Yes. They can be dangerous when they're wounded. Oh, come on, I'm kidding. But if you can't laugh at other people who can you laugh at?

Harry: Hi there. I'm Harry Stone, and you are…?

Lana: Vincent Frago and Iris Keller, second-degree obscenity.

Dan: Yes, Your Honor, these two were apprehended making a porno flick in Central Park.

Liz: Hold on, there, Counselor. The report clearly states that both parties were clothed at the time of arrest.

Leonard: Yes. But before that, they were naked as jaybirds.

Dan: Oh, did I mention that I have a witness?

Leonard: Leonard Bloom, Your Honor. I saw the whole thing. Unclothed bodies, writhing around in the grass, contorted dances of lust, screams of sexual delight...

Liz: Objection, Your Honor.

Harry: Sustained. But damn well put, sir.

Vincent Frago: At least I'm not some blue-nosed hypocrite who talks real righteous, but gets his mail in plain brown wrappers!

Leonard Bloom: Listen, you, I don't have to take your kind of filth!

Harry Stone: [pounding gavel] All right, sit down, Mr. Bloom...

Vincent Frago: What's the matter, Fish Face? The truth hurt?

Leonard Bloom: Not as much as my fist!

[Bloom throws a punch at Vincent, but Bull catches his hand in mid-air, causing Bloom to gasp in pain.]

Dan Fielding: Nice catch.

[Still holding Bloom by the hand, Bull drags him up to the bench.]

Bull Shannon: You want him removed from the courtroom, Your Honor?

Harry Stone: I don't that'll be necessary, will it, Mr. Bloom?

Leonard Bloom: I just want to leave here with the same number of fingers I came in with.

Death Threat [1.06]

Harry: Who have we got here?

Dan: You tell him. [nudges his client]

God: I am known by many names.

Liz: Pick one and tell it to the judge.

God: I've been called the Final Cause, the Supreme Judge, the Infinite Spirit but you can just call me God.

Harry: [to Lana] You've been saving this one for me, haven't you?

[Lana nods]

God: I chose to manifest myself in this form because I didn't want my presence to be noticed.

Dan: Good choice.

Harry: To what do we owe this visit?

God: The ways of the Lord surpass thine understanding. Unto mankind, my ways are wondrous strange.

Harry: I give. How strange?

Dan: He trashed a diner.

Harry: Any particular reason?

Dan: Your Honor, the defendant went into Blumberg's Coffee Shop and there he said unto Blumberg: "Give me an egg salad sandwich for though I have no cash you and all your descendants will be blessed."

God: It's better when I do it.

Dan: Blumberg was unimpressed and told him to leave. And then he told Blumberg to be fruitful and multiply. But not in those words.

God: You know, if it weren't for Eve, there'd be no reason for you to wear any clothes.

Selma: She did it so we could get some work done.

God: Tell me, do you worship regularly?

Selma: Honey, at my age, I don't do anything regularly.

Once In Love With Harry [1.07]

Carla: [About Harry] What a guy.

Lana: What were you two talking about?

Carla: The judge and I were having a personal discussion.

Lana: How personal?

Carla: What business is it of yours?

Lana: You're right. You're right. It is none of my business. But if you want a little friendly advice: Forget it. He's not your type.

Carla: Oh, but I suppose he's your type.

Lana: He's a sensitive, intellectual, complex man. Eclectic in nature, multidimensional in personality and, well, frankly, he would need a woman of similar qualities to stimulate him.

Carla: Honey, I don't know what those words mean but I do know what it takes to please a man.

Lana: Physical stimulation is not enough.

Carla: I won't use gadgets.

Lana: That's-That's not what I meant. You see, dear, most psychologists and experts agree that the way a man and a woman primarily respond to each other is cerebral.

Carla: What?

Lana: The brain. Sex takes place between the ears. You need a bond.

Carla: You need a map.

Dan: I am depressed.

Liz: Who wouldn't be? International crises threaten us with the possibility of nuclear holocaust and the increase in violent crime has raised the odds that one of us is gonna be murdered in our sleep tonight.

Selma: That ought to perk him up.

Quadrangle Of Love [1.08]

Lana: I have never known Dan to be late before. I hope he's all right.

Liz: Yeah. But it's his own fault. I mean, I always make it a rule: Never get involved with people I work with.

Lana: You work with rapists, junkies, muggers and flashers.

Liz: That does make it easier.

Bull: Personally, I don't see the big attraction about Mel Torme. I like singers that stick to the tune.

Liz: Like who, for instance?

Bull: Leontyne Price…Luciano Pavarotti…that bird on Sesame Street's not bad either.

Wonder Drugs [1.09]

Selma: Slow down.

Lana: I feel great. Thanks. Whatever the medication is, it seems to be working. I don't feel so drained anymore. You know, I feel vigorous ... like I could ride my bike around the park.

Selma: You know, my doctor made me get one of those exercise bicycles.

Lana: Really? Does it have one of those little machines on it that measures your blood pressure and your pulse rate?

Selma: Used to, but I took it off.

Lana: Why?

Selma: Make room for the ashtray.

Bull: The guy in the dress wants another strip search.

Harry: What a sickie.

Bull: Yeah.

Harry: I mean, gloves with a cocktail dress?

Some Like It Hot [1.10]

Harry: Yakov Korolenko.

Yakov: Hello, Joe.

Harry: Might we have a language problem here?

Liz: We definitely might, Your Honor. My client speaks only a few words of English and we haven't been able to find a Russian interpreter.

Harry: But we are working on it.

Liz: Yes, sir.

Art: I understand you're looking for somebody who speaks Russian.

Harry: Do you speak Russian?

Art: No, but I'll give it a shot.

Harry: [after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.

Lana: Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.

Dan: I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.

Liz: I'm not leaving either.

Dan: Will you listen to yourselves, people?

Harry: Liz!

Liz: This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]

Harry And The Rock Star [1.11]

Harry: The police have cordoned off the whole building. They're not letting anyone else in who doesn't have business with the court.

Liz: So how many--?

Harry: Got in? They estimate there's a couple of hundred of them roaming around the building.

Dan: Thank God they're sealed in here with us, and not out on the streets terrorizing the public.

Harry: Come in.

Al: Guess who?

Harry: Well if it isn't my favorite yellow journalist.

Al: You're too kind.

Harry: What is it, Craven?

Al: What is it? Jennifer Black is it, and you are its current lover.

Harry: Craven, we met briefly, we had coffee and then I took her right back to her hotel.

Al: How does she take it?

Harry: I beg your pardon?

Al: Her coffee. My public likes to know that kind of stuff.

Harry: Your public moved their lips when they read.

Al: Your Honor, come on, huh? I figured you'd give me the inside story because of our close, personal relationship.

Harry: Craven, our close, personal relationship is that of a tick to a dog.

Al: (nods as if understanding, then points to himself) Tick, right?

Bull's Baby [1.12]

Harry: Bull, where did that baby come from?

Bull: You don't know where babies come from, sir?

Harry: Reynolds, Guy T. 629 Bleecker Street.

Guy: May I remove my coat, Your Honor?

Harry: Sure.

Dan/Liz: No!

Harry: Miss Williams?

Dan: Your Honor, the charge.

Harry: "Indecent exposure." You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?

Guy: That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert. I'm a nudist.

[courtroom audience applauds]

Harry: All right, that's enough. Mr. Reynolds, what you do in the privacy of your own home is one thing but what you do at the Chock Full o'Nuts at Fourth and Lexington is quite another.

Guy: That was the point, Your Honor. To bring the subject out into the open. Discuss it, create a forum.

Dan: Your Honor, what Mr. Reynolds apparently created was a stampede when he stood atop the coffee counter, disrobed and sang, "Hey, Look Me Over."

Guy: Don't you see? Our clothing inhibits us, people. Nudity allows us to be open to each other.

Harry: Great little icebreaker, no doubt. But, Mr. Reynolds quite frankly, I don't wanna know you that well.

Guy: All I can say is, if you don't go nude, you're missing a wonderful experience. It's-well it's indescribable.

Harry: Yeah well, I'm gonna describe it as a Class A misdemeanor and I'm gonna fine you $160.

Hi Honey, I'm Home [1.13]

Bernie: Well, hello again.

Selma: I gotta gun, Bernie.

Bernie: You look very sexy in that uniform.

Selma: Bullets, Bernie. I got those too.

Liz: Hi Selma, how did it go?

Selma: How did what go?

Liz: Oh, come on, Selma. Don't keep us all in suspense. How did the date go with Bernie?

Selma: Oh, that.

Liz: Selma, you don't have to give us all the details. What time did you get home?

Selma: Well, if you must know, very early.

Bull: You didn't have a good time?

Selma: I didn't say that.

Harry: You said you got home early.

Selma: I got home around midnight. Bernie got home around noon.

The Nun [2.01]

Harry: What’s next, Mac?

Mac: Do the words “chow down” ring a bell, sir?

Dan: Your honor, we are starving. Please call a dinner break.

Bull: Sir, you can’t ignore your dinner date forever.

Harry: Hey, one more case. We’ll work up an appetite.

Mac: That’s what you said an hour ago, sir. And mine’s worked up real nice, I mean it’s ready for something raw.

Dan: Your Honor, if we do not eat, we will grow weak and then die on your floor.

Harry: …Next case, Mac?

Mac: …Anita Fries VS Arnold Burger, your honor.

Harry: Bull, call them in.

Bull: Burger and Fries, please. [A hooker and a man with his hand over his eye walk in]

Dan: Anita Fries, your honor. She’s charged with solicitation, prostitution, [Pulls man’s arm away to reveal a black eye] and assault.

Harry: In the interest of time, let’s try and keep out the insignificant details. Specifically the graphic ones.

Arnold Burger: She took my money, and she won’t give it back.

Anita Fries: I have a strict no-refund policy.

Dan: Your honor, apparently Ms. Fries provided neither... ”goods nor services”.

Billie: He’s a pervert.

Dan: Oh, come on. One little comment does not make me a...

Harry: Mr. Prosecutor, I believe she was referring to your client.

Billie: Your honor, my client would like to show the demands made by Mr. Burger. [Hands him a piece of paper]

Harry: This is a shopping list.

Anita Fries: This sicko gets his kicks off of food. He gives me fifty bucks, and tells me to spend it on ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries.

Arnold Burger: They're in season.

Anita Fries: You want to hear what he wanted me to do with this stuff?

Harry: No, I don’t.

Anita: He wanted me to smear it...

Harry: All right. One hour meal break.

Daddy for the Defense [2.02]

Jack Sullivan: Hey, judge!

Harry: Yeah?

Jack Sullivan: You're scum!

Harry: Mister, I was patient before, now I'm giving you one more chance to get a grip on yourself.

Jack Sullivan: I hate your filthy, rotten, stinking, slime-soaked guts!

Harry: Okay. (bangs gavel) Contempt of court.

Billie and the Cat [2.03]

Miles Seaver: When I found Velma, she was an emotional wreck!

Harry: Sudden fame, instant money. We've seen it a thousand times before, haven't we, Mr. Blair?

Roger Blair: It killed Morris.

Miles Seaver: No! You can't put a price on love!

Selma: [to Bull] He must be from out of town.

Billie: I know you don't agree with me, but...

Harry: I agree with you.

Billie: I don't expect you to... You agree with me?

Harry: Sure. I probably would have done the same thing.

Billie: [muttering] They told me you were nuts.

Harry: Beg pardon?

Billie: I... if you agree with me, why am I in jail?

Harry: Call it a whim. I have this thing about upholding the law. Billie, what you did was noble, it really was, and as a person I can admire it.

Billie: But as a judge?

Harry: Cough up the cat.

Pick a Number [2.04]

Harry: Bull, you look depressed.

Bull: I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation.

Harry: What word is that?

Bull: "Pentimento."

Harry: [after a beat, turns to Dan] So how about that Jets game last night, huh?

Billie: Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean?

Bull: It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.

Dan: You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair?

Bull: Good example!

Al Craven: Knock knock!

Harry: You caught me at a bad time, Craven - I'm here.

Al Craven: Oh, that's funny, that's very good.

Harry: I'm surprised that scandal sheet you write for is still in business.

Al Craven: Are you kidding? Misery is a moneymaker! [laughs] Hey, did you read my story last week? "Family In Hackensack Barbecues Brother!"

Harry: I don't read the Food section.

Al Craven: Aw, come on, Your Honor, there must be a story. Little sex, little violence, that's all I'm looking for!

Harry: Bad timing, Craven. Nothing bloodcurdling on the docket tonight.

Al Craven: Ah, what a world. I mean, people have knives. Why don't they use them?

The Computer Kid [2.05]

Ralph Kremsky: Do not take His name in vain, and do not lay down with beasts.

Dan: We only had drinks!

Bull Gets a Kid [2.06]

Dan: Mr. Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of City Hall.

Arthur Hubble: They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash...

Billie: And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr. Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down.

Harry: And?

Dan: He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.

Harry on Trial [2.07]

Judge Martin A. Landis: Judge Stone, will you be represented by counsel?

Harry: I will be representing myself, Your Honor.

Judge Martin A. Landis: "He who represents himself has a fool for a client." Who said that?

Judge Robert Willard: Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Judge Martin A. Landis: Who cares?

Judge Martin A. Landis: You a Shriner, Stone?

Harry: No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.

Judge Martin A. Landis: That's where I got my Captain Video helmet!

Harry: You got a Captain Video helmet?

Judge Martin A. Landis: You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?

Harry: Listen, Judge Landis...

Judge Martin A. Landis: Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.

Harry and the Madam [2.08]

Dan: Objection!

Harry: Overruled.

Dan: Exception!

Harry: Noted.

Dan: Frustration!

Harry: Vented.

Inside Harry Stone [2.09]

Harry: Come on, guys. No reason not to try something just because it's new, right? Oh, I can't believe what chickens you guys are. Come on, food is not just something to eat, it's something to... [snaps fingers] celebrate!

Bull: [hands him a fork] Have a ball.

Doctor: This doesn't sound like a simple case of indigestion to me. In my opinion, you should see a doctor right away.

Billie: [confused] Well, you're a doctor, aren't you?

Doctor: Gynecologist. [Dan bursts out laughing.] Come on, you people are lucky I happened to be eating in that place.

Harry: Well, I appreciate the help, Doc, but you're a little out of your league, aren't you?

Dan: Let's just say his league has a lower strike zone. [laughs] I'm sorry, it was so easy.

Doctor: How often do you get these pains, Judge?

Harry: Oh, every now and then.

Doctor: Once a week, once a day...?

Dan: You ought to let him know when they're five minutes apart, Harry. [laughs] This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!

The Blizzard [2.10]

Dan: We of the warm-blooded variety feel an adjournment is in order.

Harry: You mean shut down?

[Dan nods; Harry looks at Mac, who also nods]

Harry: Nah!

Dan: You've got about seventeen layers of clothes on under that robe, haven't you, sir?

Harry: It's good to be the king.

Take My Wife, Please [2.11]

Dan: It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.

Sleighbough: Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.

Dan: Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.

Sleighbough: Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.

Dan: Yes. It's called sunlight.

Harry: Mr. Sleighbough, when did you first discover you had this talent to become invisible?

Sleighbough: Well, it came on sort of gradually. See, at first, I was just boring. But then, I became inconspicuous.

Harry: Oh.

Sleighbough: Yeah, you know, like I'd be waiting in a doctor's office, or restaurant, or a barber shop, you know, whatever? And finally they'd say, "oh, I didn't see you there!" That's when it first began to take hold.

Harry: And now?

Sleighbough: I'm fully invisible! Yeah, I can be standing on the corner, yelling and waving my arms, cabbies are going right by and never even notice me!

Harry: In New York City, imagine that.

The Birthday Visitor [2.12]

[Billie brings Harry back to her apartment for a nightcap.]

Mrs. Grinsky: Who's that, dear?

Mr. Grinsky: Oh, it's just the lawyer and her man of the week.

Billie: (fakes a laugh) "Man of the week." Is he a card or what?

Dan's Parents [2.13]

Dan: [about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.

Harry: Dan, they can't be that bad.

Dan: My God, Harry! They're Democrats!

Harry: ...I stand corrected.

[watching Dan apologize humbly to his parents]

Billie: Did you hit him?

Harry: I think he hit himself.

Billie: Oh, as long as somebody did.

Nuts About Harry [2.14]

An Old Flame [2.15]

The Gypsy [2.16]

Battling Bailiff [2.17]

Bull: [quitting his job as a pro wrestler] Promise me if I ever do anything stupid like this again, give me a good smack!

Dan: [who's just lost a fortune betting on Bull] I promise.

[Dan comes down the hallway and sees Bull reading a magazine, "Amateur Parachuting." Dan takes it away, rolls it up, and smacks Bull on the head... then goes berserk and swats Bull all over with it, before calming down and handing it back.]

Bull: Thank you.

Dan: My pleasure.

Billie's Valentine [2.18]

Harry: Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...

Mr. Sheldon: Agony.

Harry: Thanks. Why?

Mrs. Sheldon: We're just waiting for the children to die.

Mr. Sheldon: Not that we want them to die, of course...

Harry: Of course.

Mrs. Sheldon: It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.

Harry: The boys?

Mr. Sheldon: Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.

Mrs. Sheldon: And the baby just retired.

Married Alive [2.19]

[Billie refuses to believe that Dan honestly loves his heiress fiancee.]

Dan Fielding: You know that crazy stuff that we all carry around inside of us? That stuff that eats little holes in your brain and churns at your insides? That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being. [pause] I can tell her. And she listens, and she understands. And she says, "It's alright." [repeats for emphasis] "It's alright." [sighs] ...and, it is. Poof! Just like your magic, Harry! She makes my problems disappear! My anxieties subside. God's in His Heaven, and all is right in the world. There's nowhere to go but up! Look for the silver lining; don't give up the ship! And I'll be damned if that's not what each and every one of us is looking for. And I happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you. Ladies and gentlemen, a small peek into the guts of Dan Fielding: no cover, no minimum.

Mac and Quon Le: Together Again [2.20]

[Quon Le was arrested for sharing a house with a group of prostitutes.]

Billie: [trying to explain Mac and Quon Le's relationship] Mac was just temporarily acting in the role of spouse.

Tawny La Belle: Well, hey, that's all we were doing, and we got busted for it!

World War III [2.21]

Bull: [about the Soviet Union] Is it really that bad over there?

Yakov Korolenko: You ever been to Milwaukee?

Bull: Yeah.

Yakov Korolenko: Close your eyes. Please? [Bull does] When you open your eyes, you're going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. No matter where you go, you walk, run, or fly, you're always going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can grab a a car, and drive two thousand miles away, you're still going to be in the middle of...

Bull: [clutching his head] NO! STOP, STOP IT! [rushes away]

Yakov Korolenko: [to his brother] Works every time.

[after speaking with his wife on the telephone, Glasscock admits that she is a bad patient]

Mr. Glasscock: Women... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Nikolai Karpov: I have been "without" for two months. Even the dancing bear started to look good.

[The two sit stolidly for a few moments. Then they start to chuckle, and finally fall over each other laughing.]

Walk, Don't Wheel [2.22]

Hello, Goodbye [3.01]

[Dirk, the shy bailiff arrives]

Bull: What is it, Dirk?

Dirk: Prisoner's manifest. Oh, I took Grayson down to Women's detention.

Bull: WOMEN'S detention?

Harry: Dirk, Grayson's a man.

Dirk: No. There was a dress.

Bull: It was a man wearing a dress.

Harry: Didn't you notice the mustache, and three day's growth?

Dirk: Well, I thought she was rather...severe looking.

Bull: Where is he now?

Dirk: Right below us, room 1706.

Harry: 1706? Isn't that where they do the...

Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Bull: Strip search.

The Hostage [3.02]

Mr Slotkin: Where I come from, we don't have any courts or jails. Or police, or even any laws!

Bull: Jersey. Been there.

[A French man was held hostage by a group of people on the subway]

Dan: The Plaintiff asked for change of a dollar, when these five pulled out these weapons and held him at bay until the transit police arrived.

Old Man: We thought he was crazy! We thought he was insane!

Harry: What did he do?

Old Man: He talked to us.

Christine: Sir, these are not a group of thugs. These are ordinary people, simply frightened about the increased violence on the subways.

Harry: What is that weapon?

Christine: ...Surface-to-Air missile launcher, sir.

Old Man: It wasn't loaded, sir. I was just using it for intimidation!

Harry: People, people! Don't you see that you are just contributing to the problem? You're tearing a hole in the fabric that binds us together as civilized human beings. What I'm trying to say is...

Old Man: We don't get the guns back?

Harry: [giving up] No, you don't get the guns back!

Dad's First Date [3.03]

[Jack Sullivan, the Defense's father, is accused of being with a prostitute]

Christine: Daddy, what happened?

Jack Sullivan: I got caught with a hooker.

Flo: Parents say the darnedest things, don't they?

Mac: The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.

Dan Fielding: All of them?

Mac: She's in there, too, Dan.

Dan Fielding: [smiles] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Mac and Quon Le: No Reservations [3.04]

Grampa Robinson: You're pretty sharp for a...

Quon Le: Minority?

Grampa Robinson: My boy never had a chance, did he?

[She smiles and shakes her head.]

Halloween, Too [3.05]

Dan: [on phone] No, no, I need the costume tonight! Yes, let's say something tasteful, conservative... say, the Roman Emperor Caligula... $200?! For some sandals and a sheet?! All right, all right, let's lay the cards on the table. What can I get for $19.95?

[pause]

Dan: [to Flo] What's a "Smurf"?

Florence: Imagine your cat threw up a furball that talked.

[At the restaurant's costume party after Harry dumped a witch]

Christine: [Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...

Harry: [Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?

Christine: I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.

Harry: You're right, Miss Sullivan, and that costume really helps a lot.

Flo: [Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.

Bull: [Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?

Harry: Sure Bull, I'll have some.

Bull: How did you know it was me?

Flo: You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]

Dan: [Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?

Harry: I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.

Quon Le: [Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?

Christine: Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?

Quon Le: Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away."

Mac: [Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!

Best of Friends [3.06]

Dan: I don't understand it, Harry. Some things in this world should not be meddled with: Nature, humanity...

Harry: Coca-Cola.

Dan: Exactly.

Dan's Boss [3.07]

Dan Fielding: Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.

Vincent Daniels: That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.

Harry Stone: Your father left?

Vincent Daniels: I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!

Dan Fielding: You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?

Vincent Daniels: The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was an intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.

[He looks Dan square in the eye]

Vincent Daniels: It was his own.

[silence]

Dan Fielding: [guiltily] Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?

Harry Stone: You can do it with your own words.

Dan Fielding: [stands] Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.

Vincent Daniels: Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Dan Fielding: You're taking me back?

Vincent Daniels: Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.

[Dan looks gratified]

Vincent Daniels: But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!

Dan Fielding: GOD BLESS YOU!

[Dan hugs him, then leaves]

Vincent Daniels: I don't understand him.

Harry Stone: Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

Up On the Roof [3.08]

The Wheels of Justice (1) [3.09]

Dan: [to a newsman on a portable television] I want you dead! If I could get to Albany, I would kill you myself! [throws it out the window] And I hate your blazer!

[He calms down, and turns to Harry.]

Dan: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Uh, Harry, I apologize about your TV.

Christine: [giggling] Let me tell him.

Dan: Tell me what?

Christine: It was Bull's.

Dan: AAH!

[Behind him, Bull rises slowly to his feet.]

Dan: [without turning around] He's getting up... he's coming over here...

[Harry and Christine nod. Dan turns and jumps when he sees Bull looming there.]

Dan: Money or revenge?

Bull: Revenge.

[Dan takes off his watch and places it on the table, then removes his shoe and uses the heel to smash the watch as hard as he can, then holds it up for inspection.]

Bull: Thank yoooooooou.

The Wheels of Justice (2) [3.10]

Walk Away, Renee [3.11]

Bulll: Life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty, but from adversity comes strength.

Dan's Escort [3.12]

The Night Off [3.13]

Christine Sullivan: Uh, excuse me sir, about my client...

Judge Drayton: Oh, right. Hang him.

Christine Sullivan: He stole an Eskimo Pie, sir.

Judge Drayton: There was once this girl who came through my courtroom, carrying a baby. Beautiful girl, seventeen or eighteen, long, dark hair... and a welt where her husband hit her across the cheek. She asks me to make him stop hitting her, and I said, "fine, I'll send him to jail." Then she changes her testimony! She says she lied! She doesn't want her husband to go to jail! He brought home money so the family could eat! All she wanted, was to make him stop hitting her! Well, I can't make him stop hitting her, Harry! IN TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, I NEVER MADE ANYBODY STOP!

Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm sorry.

Judge Drayton: [sinks into a seat] God's in his heaven... but all's not quite right with the world.

Judge Drayton: Am I... am I sick, Harry?

Judge Harry T. Stone: Maybe a little. But mostly, I'd say you're just really, really tired.

Judge Drayton: [laughing softly] Ho-ho, tired... oh, I could sleep for a million years. You know, if the bed they strap me down to is comfortable, I probably will.

Harry and Leon [3.14]

Judge Harry T. Stone: Art, Art, dear, dear Art, please don't think I'm trying to pry... [seizes Art by his sterile mask] ...but what the hell are you doing?

Art: I got a work order to fumigate the entire building. We've got a problem with termites.

Judge Harry T. Stone: How big a problem?

[Everyone looks up at a loud creaking noise from the ceiling, which collapses, dumping an entire desk onto the courtroom floor, along with its shell-shocked occupant.]

Assistant: [into his phone] I, uh... I'll have to get back to you, Mac.

Mac: [at his desk, into his own phone] I understand.

[Mac introduces Mrs. Lund from Juvenile Services.]

Christine: You work in the building? Funny, I've never seen you before.

Mrs. Lund: Well... to be honest, I was told to always stay away from this floor.

[Bull enters, wearing a full-sized gas mask.]

Mrs. Lund: Mind you, I have nothing to base that on.

Mac: Art, hey! We're busy here!

Art: We're on red alert!

Mac: Really?

Art: [lays a commiserative hand on Mac's shoulder] I only wish we could have saved your desk.

Mac: Oh, my dear Lord! [runs out]

[A hired prankster hits Dan in the face with a chocolate cream pie.]

Dan: It was... one of you, wasn't it?

Florence: And it was worth every penny! [laughs]

Harry: Flo, you don't have to cover for me. I called 'em, Dan!

Christine: Wait a minute... you two don't have to cover for me. I was the one who called!

Mac: Uh-uh, uh-uh! It was me!

Dan: You want the truth? It was all of you.

Harry: ...It was?

Dan: [laughs] I knew you couldn't resist it. I knew you would want me. I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money, just for one hit, and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!

Mac: You knew we all called!

Dan: Yes, I knew! You hate me! You all hate me! Everybody hates me!

[He leans into Christine, his face still covered with chocolate cream.]

Dan: For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.

Christine: [unable to look at him] You allowed yourself to be humiliated for a few hundred dollars?

Florence: Are you crazy? He'd French-kiss a buffalo for a few hundred dollars.

The Apartment [3.15]

Leon, We Hardly Knew Ye [3.16]

The Mugger [3.17]

[during a hostage standoff in the cafeteria]

Mac: [hangs up the phone] They said they might be able to get a hostage negotiator over here in... [checks watch] Two hours.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [aghast] Two hours?

Mac: They said all their people are tied up right now.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Tied up with what?

Mac: Rope. They're being held hostage by a militant splinter faction of Up with People.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [shakes head] It was only a matter of time.

[while Flo is being held "hostage" in the cafeteria]

Hector Rivera: If you don't shut up, lady, I'm gonna pull this pin...

Flo: Ah, you don't scare me. I was one of the original Angels of Bataan, served in the Philippines. I've seen combat, I've seen bloodshed, I've seen man's inhumanity to man at its best! Where was I?

Hector Rivera: [helplessly] Oh-nine-hundred hours...

Flo: Right... [leans back, remembering] The smell of damp khaki filled the air...

[Hector buries his head.]

Could This Be Magic? [3.18]

Monkey Business [3.19]

Flo's Retirement [3.20]

[About Flo's unwillingness to retire.]

Bob Marks: I understand your feelings. It's never easy, delivering a blow like this. I suppose you think I enjoy this sort of thing... [spins around, grinning widely] I DO! I'm sorry, I gotta be honest! I live for this kind of thing! I love it! [laughs]

Harry T. Stone: [sarcastic] Well, that's a relief. I was afraid I wasn't getting through to him.

The Hurricane (1) [3.21]

[after Christine tells Harry that Mel Torme and Barry Manilow did an album together.]

Harry: That is a desperately sick lie!

Christine: That... is the truth.

Harry:: Mac, say it ain't so.

Mac: It's so.

[Harry cries on his shoulder.]

Bull: My mother used to tell me that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.

Florence: That's cute. What happened when you found out?

Bull: When I found out what?

[crash of thunder]

Bull: Gosh, He's good.

Florence: He's got His own ball.

The Hurricane (2) [3.22]

[Dan is assisting a woman in labor.]

Dan: Tommy, get me some surgical gloves.

Officer Tommy: Uh, fr-from where?

Dan Fielding: My briefcase, top pocket. [smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.

[Benet is trying to deliver her baby].

Benet Collins: [exhausted] Dan, I can't do this!

Dan Fielding: You can!

Benet Collins: I can't!

Dan Fielding: [thinks a moment] Think about... Hugh Hefner.

[Benet growls.]

Officer Tommy: It's coming!

Dan Fielding: Lying there in his silk pajamas, with dozens of big-breasted women catering to his every whim...

[Benet growls louder.]

Officer Tommy: I can see a piece of shoulder!

Dan Fielding: Oh, is that...? Oh, look who's coming through the door, it's Bobby Riggs!

[Benet screams in rage.]

Officer Tommy: It's out!

Dan Fielding: YES!

[Benet collapses in exhaustion and relief.]

[Harry enters the dark courtroom, looking at the crucifix-shaped basketball hoop that Art nailed over the windows.]

Harry T. Stone: Can we talk? As you probably know... I-I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night... after night. You remember that guy...? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? And why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King... [pulls a basketball out of his robe] And Larry Bird!

[He tosses the ball - SWISH!]

The Next Voice You Hear... [4.01]

Bull: This is Rozalind Russell.

Dan: Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!

Harry: Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.

Roz: My mother was a show business freak.

Harry: Ah.

Roz: I do consider myself more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.

Christine: Oh, the poor thing.

Roz: That's what my brother says.

Harry: Your brother...?

Roz: Slappy.

[a few minutes later, when Harry receives his mother's letter]

Bull: Harry's mother left him when he was a child. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.

Roz: My brother hasn't seen my mother in thirty years.

Bull: Your brother...?

Roz: Topo Gigio.

Buddy: [about Harry's mother] Harry, she went into a psychiatric institution after she left you. That's where we met.

Harry: I'm gonna go out on a limb here... you weren't on the staff, were you?

[Buddy grins and shakes his head]

Buddy: But I'm feeling much better now.

Giving Thanks [4.02]

Harry: He saved Christine?

Bull: It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us today.

Harry: [reads card] "Wanda's Whip Emporium"?

Dan: The other side.

Harry: Oh. [reads] "Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back to clear air passage. Step 2, clear the mouth of any foreign objects."

Mac: "Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing."

[Christine looks beneath the trench coat she's wearing, and shrieks. Dan pulls her undergarments out of his pocket.]

Dan: Better to be safe than sorry.

Dan: You know, this could be the greatest night of my life...

Hotel Manager: Mmm.

Christine: [storms into the room] Okay, I want this over with before I vomit!

[She disappears into the bathroom.]

Hotel Manager: [leaving] Let the good times roll.

Author, Author [4.03]

Dan: [runs to the bench] Your Honor, a sudden emergency has occurred, and forces me to ask for a recess.

Harry: [not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?

Dan: [feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, did it ever occur to you that I could be in pain, could be in the throes of some personal tragedy?

[Harry gives him a look]

Dan: Sex.

[after Bull has an emergency]

Harry: Well, under the circumstances, I guess it would be appropriate to call...

Dan: Yes?

Harry: A short...

Dan: Yes.

Harry: Recess.

Dan: YES!

Halloween II: The Return of Leon [4.04]

Dan's Operation: Part 1 [4.05]

Dan: I'm quite all right, I don't need this ridiculous operation!

Dr. Flick: What are you going to say when your ulcer perforates and you start hemorrhaging?

[Dan lies back in bed and gurgles sarcastically.]

Morgue Attendant: [rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take Dan Fielding to the morgue.

[Everyone tells him there must be some mistake.]

Christine: He's just here for a minor operation.

Morgue Attendant: [smiles] I'll check back later.

Dan: Yeah, over my dead body.

Morgue Attendant: It's a date!

Dan: Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

Dan's Operation: Part 2 [4.06]

Christine: Sir, would you please tell him that I am not a pervert?

Harry: [starts to speak, but turns back] How exactly are we defining pervert?

Christine: Sir!

Morgue Attendant: Look, folks, "pervert, prude," it's not my job to label people. Wait a minute... [pulls out toe-tag] I guess it is! [laughs]

Dan: Harry, do you know how many women I have slept with?

Harry: Dan, it doesn't matter how many women you've slept with! [pause] A hundred?

Dan: You ever see the signs over the Golden Arches that say, "over four billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive.

The New Judge [4.07]

[the defendants are an elderly couple who have been disturbing the police by having sex in their own apartment, very often, and very loudly]

Judge Mike Watson: I don't mean to pry, Mr. MacNulty, but why are you so loud during these romantic interludes?

Mr. MacNulty: [cupping a hand to his ear] What?

Dan: ...And when the police arrived, Mr. MacNulty attacked the arresting officers.

Christine: He was merely protecting his wife!

Dan: Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.

Mrs. MacNulty: My Louisville slugger.

Mr. MacNulty: [tilting his head] What?

Dan: SHE SAID SHE LIKES YOUR BAT!

Contempt of Courting [4.08]

Judge Eve Gardner: [on Dan] Is he always such a boot-licker?

Mac: Shine-O is Dan's favorite flavor.

Earthquake [4.09]

Prince of a Guy [4.10]

New Year's Leave [4.11]

Harry: So you really believe you're responsible for everything that happens in the next year?

"1987": I'm gonna make NBC the number-one network again!

Harry: [bangs gavel] Held over for a psychiatric evaluation.

Lieutenant Gerard: Say, Judge, stop by the prison any time. I'd love to...

Harry: Drop me in the hole with a psycho killer for about an hour?

Lieutenant Gerard: Is Thursday good for you?

[Harry lifts his hand and fire flashes between his fingers. Gerard takes a step back.]

Harry: Fine.

Murder [4.12]

Dan: [enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!

Alice Beeker: Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.

Dan: Not to me, it doesn't!

Christine: Dan, what happened?

Dan: They rejected me.

Alice Beeker: Many are called, but few are frozen.

Christine: They rejected you? Why?

Alice Beeker: His sperm is slow and immature.

Christine: [fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.

Dan: That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?

Bull: [excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]

Harry: Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?

Alice Beeker: Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.

Harry: Which are?

Alice Beeker: Sixty million per cc.

Dan: I demand a recount!

Alice Beeker: You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?

Dan: ...What time is it now?

Alice Beeker: It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.

Harry: ...From sex?

Christine: ...Dan?

Mac: I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Dan: I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date...

[He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria.]

Roz: Run for your lives, girls!

[All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively.]

Harry: Better safe than sorry, guys!

[All males flee.]

Baby Talk [4.13]

Lorna Huebner: Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."

Arlene Huebner: Why, you lying...!

Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Dying words"? Is Dad dead?

Dan As a kipper on a cracker! [shocked looks] I'm sorry to say.

Harry: Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.

Bull: He is, Your Honor.

[Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk.]

Bull: This is Mr. Huebner.

Harry: Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Bull: Your Honor, the Hubner sisters are waiting to see you.

Harry: Herb's kids? What do they want?

Bull: Apparently they settled their differences and had some kind of reconciliation.

Harry: So what about the ashes?

Bull: They say whatever you decide to do with them is fine with both of them.

Harry: [picks up the urn] Oh. Well, okay. I hadn't really... [opens the urn] Hey, this thing's empty!

Art: Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.

Harry: Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!

[they look over and see Dan standing at the coffee maker, his mug frozen against his lips]

The Modest Proposal [4.14]

Roz: [deadpan] Quite a day today.

Mac: [deadpan] Yep, quite a day. We almost had a wedding here.

Roz: Yep, almost. But we didn't.

[They sit impassively for a moment, then make Harry's "crazy" face at each other.]

A Day in the Life [4.15]

Rabid [4.16]

Christine's Friend [4.17]

Christine: Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?

Dan: Hold it a sec.

[He and Harry close their eyes and lean back their heads, smiling blissfully.]

Caught Red-Handed [4.18]

Mac: First case sir, People vs. Trixie Dubois. She's charged with prostitution.

Harry: Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan: Ah yes, sir, familiar story: boy meets girl, girl asks for a C-note, boy flashes badge, girl offers discount, boy busts girl.

Harry: Ain't love grand?

Mac: Uh-huh.

[Christine, Harry, and Bull storm into Thursby's office]

Harry: Thursby, you're scum!

Arthur Thursby: [into phone] You'll have to excuse me, Monsignor. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly just dropped by.

Arthur Thursby: You're insane!

Harry Stone: They called me mad at the university!

Paternity [4.19]

Dan: Listen, pal, you can't make me pay for something I didn't do!

Pete Petey Peterson: But, Danny, I have affidavits on you from half the women in this town! And, may I add, you photograph quite well...

Dan: Yeah, you just prove that's me behind that mask.

Pete Petey Peterson: If you refuse to settle, you force me to launch a vicious, no-holds-barred smear campaign.

Dan: Listen, buddy, nobody drags Dan Fielding through the mud!

Harry: [looking through the photos] Not according to Action Photo Number Five, Dan.

Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson [4.20]

[swearing in a group of new citizens]

Harry: You've all gone through a lot to reach here. You've learned our history, our culture, our secret handshake...

[confused murmur]

Harry: Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?

[more confused murmuring]

Harry: Ha-ha-ha! No, there's no secret handshake! I was just kidding!

Clinton: I stuffed myself into the dashboard of a Datsun to get here, and he's kidding?

Roz: It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.

Vega: God, he's good!

[on a busy night at the hospital, a podiatrist is sent to Mac and Quon Le's hospital room, while she is in labor]

Doctor Aidleman: Good lord, this woman is pregnant!

Christine: Oh, don't tell me you've never delivered a baby before?

Doctor Aidleman: [sarcastic] Well, just how many people who aren't obstetricians have?

[raised hands from Christine, Harry, Mac, Bull, and Dan (a reference to Season Three's "Hurricane: Part 2")]

Doctor Aidleman: What are you? Some kind of a cult?

Her Honor: Part 1 [4.21]

Mac: Dan's still trying to put on a good face for the Mayor's judicial selection committee.

Christine: Yesterday he actually taught a civics class at an orphanage. Can you picture Dan in a roomful of little kids?

Roz: Yeah. Ransacking their little lunch boxes for milk money...

Bob Wheeler: Hello, it's us.

Harry: Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?

Mac: They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.

Harry: 509?

Mac: Uh-huh.

Harry: B?

Mac: Yep.

Harry: I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.

Dan: Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.

Harry: Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.

Christine: Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.

Harry: So all the would-be chicks are now...

Dan: Quiche, yes sir.

[Dan is throwing a tantrum over being passed over for a judicial appointment.]

Dan: Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job!

Christine: Dan...

Dan: [to the courtroom] All right, who wants to share gas to Florida? Show yourself now!

[A flasher stands up and, taking Dan literally, opens his trench coat. Dan mulls it over for a second.]

Dan: ...Okay, but you gotta ride in the back.

Her Honor: Part 2 [4.22]

Mac: Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.

Harry: Gangway!

[Harry streaks out of the cafeteria kitchen on roller skates, wearing a jet pack made from a fire extinguisher. He speeds out of the cafeteria - CRASH! Everyone gets up and rushes to the exit.]

Bob Wheeler: Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.

Christine: There's got to be a way to get your job back!

Harry: Like what? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all this?

Her Honor: Part 3 [5.01]

[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]

Mr. Fengler: Please, let me go! Let me out of here!

Bull: Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.

Mr. Fengler: You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!

Christine: Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!

[everyone stares at her]

Christine: I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan: Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.

Mr. Fengler: I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.

Christine: Oh, you poor thing!

Dan: Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the shotgun he had with him!

Christine: You had a shotgun?

Mr. Fengler: A little one.

Dan: The term is "sawed-off"!

[Koenig knocks on Harry's door]

Harry: [sing-song] Who is it?

Mr. Koenig: [sarcastically sing-song] It's the landlord!

Harry: [still sing-song] Just a minute!

[There is an explosion from inside Harry's apartment. Harry comes out, his face black with soot, and coughs out a cloud of smoke]

Harry: [polite] Yes?

Mr. Koenig: I want you and your exploding yak hair out of that apartment now, or I'm calling the cops!

Harry: Mr. Koenig, I've paid you two months rent, and a substantial security deposit, so if you want me out that'll be three months of eviction proceedings, during which time you're not gonna see a penny of rent, and when it finally goes to trial, I'm gonna testify under oath that you and I have been involved in a torrid love affair.

[He leans forward and pecks Mr. Koenig on the nose, takes his package from Koenig's stunned hand, and exits into his apartment.]

Dan: Are you out of your mind?! I could go to jail for impersonating a judge!

Mac: Hey, it's on the phone! Nobody's gonna know.

Dan: Why me?

Mac: Well... because it's sneaky, and underhanded, and deceitful?

Dan: [nods] ...Nobody does it better.

Her Honor: Part 4 [5.02]

[Gary Fenton awakens after being knocked out. The first thing he sees is Bull's face, closely observing him.]

Bull: [creepy voice] We've been waiting for you, Mr. Fenton.

[Fenton cries out and faints. Bull looks up, puzzled.]

Bull: [normal voice] Boy, he looks like he just saw a ghost.

Roz: Come back in here, Dan.

Dan: No!

[Dan is shown hiding on the sill of the window outside Harry's office]

Bull: Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?

Dan: Yes!

Bull: Gooooooood.

[He seizes Dan by his belt and hauls him inside.]

Death of a Bailiff [5.03]

[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]

Harry: Bull!

Bull: Mind if I smoke?

Christine: Doctor, is he all right?

Doctor: That depends. What did he look like before?

Mac: Just like that.

Doctor: Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.

Harry: Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.

Doctor: Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.

Bull: But I'm feeling much better now.

Dan: Really? You look dead on your feet.

[He laughs; glares from everyone]

Dan: Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?

Doctor: It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt. With the voltage he absorbed, it must have been like French-kissing a light socket.

Bull: No, that feels different.

Ladies Night [5.04]

[Harry, Dan, Mac, and Bull track Roz and Christine to a male strip club, worrying that the place is too rough for Christine.]

Harry: Any sign of Christine?

Bull: [craning his neck] No. Of course, I could see a lot better if it weren't for that crazy bimbo dancing on the table.

[At second glance, the "crazy bimbo" turns out to be Christine, playing a snake-charming tune on a kazoo while "Sinbad the Snake Charmer" dances onstage.]

Christine: Come on, Sinbad, make that thing MOVE!

Roz: You doing anything tomorrow night?

Christine: Tomorrow night? No.

Roz: You ever see tag-team mud wrestling on cable TV?

Christine: Oh, Roz, I really don't like to watch those things.

Roz: Who said anything about watching?

Christine: ...WE'LL KICK THEIR BUTTS!

Safe [5.05]

Harry: This thing is gonna be the centerpiece of my magic act. I'm gonna play a trick, so incredible, so amazing, it will boggle the human mind!

[Dan enters the office, inadvertently concealing Harry behind the door.]

Dan: Could we...? [sees the safe and laughs] Oh, don't tell me that melon head is going to do the old "escape from the safe" trick.

Harry: [rounds the door] The produce in question is right here, Dan.

Dan: [feigning excitement] Oh, you mean you're gonna be inside the safe! Oh, and it's gonna be locked and everything! Ooh, thrilling, sir.

Satan: How'd you like to make a hundred dollars?

Dan: I'd rather sit on a blender.

Satan: [holds up contract] All you gotta do is sign this.

Dan: Listen, pal, I don't know who you are, but why don't you take your...

Satan: Oh, I'm known by many names: Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan... although it says "Stu Blumberg" on my license. But enough about me. Let's talk about you, and what you could do with one of these.

[He holds up the hundred dollar bill. Dan glances at a prostitute with a Mardi Gras mask.]

Dan: Get four of those.

Mac's Dilemma [5.06]

Dan: Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.

Harry: All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.

Dan: When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."

Christine: Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...

Dan/Harry/Mac: SEVEN HOURS?

[Mr. Shibata bows; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower.]

Dan: My God, man, how do you do it?

Mr. Shibata: [thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!

Dan: [to stenographer] You got that? [she nods]

Harry: How the hell do you lose a dead body?

Bull: He outsmarted me, sir.

Dan: I don't think any further explanation is necessary.

Who Was That Mashed Man? [5.07]

D.A. Daniels: Drives you crazy, doesn't it? So near, yet so far...

Dan: Wait a minute, is that what you're up to? You're gonna taunt me, torture me, drive me crazy?

D.A. Daniels: Call it a hobby. Remember: one touch, and I'm cutting you off at the knees!

[He exits]

Dan: [muttering] Yeah, I'd still be taller than you, you little...

Kitty: Mr. Fielding, can I ask you a question?

Dan: Certainly, young lady, anything.

Kitty: [sultry] Did you know I'm double-jointed?

Dan: [high-pitched] Really?

Kitty: Wanna see?

Dan: Yes... [slaps himself] No! Yes... [slaps himself again] No!

No Hard Feelings [5.08]

Christine: [regarding Dan's impotence] Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.

Dan: Such as?

Christine: [as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well..."The Little Engine That Could."

[At his job interview, Dan finds that the hiring partner only wants him for an office gigolo.]

Dan: You think you can call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, maybe I wasn't able to afford some snooty Ivy League education. But let me tell you something. When you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something else: a fighting sow-belly has to work for what he wants! Can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know, I live the law every day. In the courts and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I come home at night. But that's the way I like it. [building] That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady, nobody can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law. [throws off his jacket] Or for that matter, anywhere else!

Toni Corbin: You mean...?

Dan: [yanks off his tie] I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!

Constitution: Part 1 [5.09]

"Teddy Roosevelt": [to Christine] Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your San Juan Hill? [laughs]

Christine: Look, I may have to defend you, but I don't have to put up with your sleazy remarks.

"Teddy Roosevelt": Ooh, a filly with spirit! Looks like you need a Rough Rider! [laughs]

Christine: Watch it. I speak softly but I carry a big knee.

Christine: Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.

Harry: Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?

Dan: About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.

Constitution: Part 2 [5.10]

[Dan and Dr. Townsend find Roz, delirious, sitting on the edge of the roof]

Roz: Hey, what are you two doing up here? [looks over the edge] But then again, what the hell am I doing up here? [laughs]

Harry: The paramedics are on their way. In the meantime, they told us not to do anything that might upset her.

Roz: That's right. Otherwise it's one small step for Roz... one giant splat for mankind! [laughs]

Moody: Too risky. I think our only prudent course is open gunplay.

Harry: Listen, fathead, the one thing we don't need is to have some trigger-happy lunatic in charge!

[into phone]

Harry: No, no, Mr. President, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm sure you do get that kind of thing all the time.

Dr. Townsend: Get this straight, Fielding: I-don't-like-you. You're nauseating, your hair looks stupid, and you smell like Vaseline. Frankly, an evening with you would be about as much fun as draining a prostate infection.

Dan: [unperturbed] I guar-ahn-tee it.

Let It Snow [5.11]

[The courthouse boiler has broken down, and everyone is trying to stay warm.]

Mac: Hey! Dan, did you burn my assembly instructions?

Dan: What's the big deal? You stick Tab A into Slot B, who can't do that?

Mandy Davis: [a prostitute] You'd be surprised.

[Bull is wheeled in, frozen solid after being trapped under a falling snowbank.]

Harry: Maybe... maybe we should rub him and try to get circulation going.

Ruthie Cook: Wrong, exactly wrong! You do that and he'll be shedding skin faster than a frog on a cheese grater!

Harry: Are you sure?

Ruthie Cook: You don't spend twelve years on the street without learning how to deal with exposure.

Harry: What do we do?

Ruthie Cook: First we strip him!

Mac: [contemplates Bull] Oh, mercy...

Santa Claus: All right, now if this works, this whole train track becomes a giant heating element.

Harry: Where did you learn all this fancy wiring stuff?

Santa Claus: Blowing safes.

Dan, the Walking Time Bomb [5.12]

Ernie: Excuse me, Mr. Fielding?

Dan: [distracted] Just a second, Len, I'll be with you in a moment...

[Ernie handcuffs a briefcase to Dan's wrist.]

Dan: Hey, what the hell is this?

Ernie: It's a bomb, Dan!

[he opens the briefcase, showing it's full of dynamite. Dan gasps.]

Ernie: It's going off in thirty minutes.

[Dan gasps again.]

Ernie: [holds up a remote] Or sooner, if I push this little button.

[Dan gasps twice.]

Dan: You saved me by convincing him I was a... worthless, degenerate, piece of human... trash.

[everyone waits]

Dan: DRINKS ARE ON ME!

Christine: The man is proud of it.

Ernie: Tell you one thing he's not very proud of: his name. You know he changed it?

Harry: Oh, yeah. We met his parents, we know his name used to be Ellmore.

Ernie: Oh, not just his last name, his first name too.

Christine: You mean's Dan's name isn't "Dan"?

Ernie: No, it's...

Dan: Uh, Ernie? Pal, buddy, friend? [makes a slashing motion across his neck]

Ernie: [smiles] ...Reinhold.

Harry/Christine/Mac: "Reinhold"?

[N.B. Dan's real name was actually revealed in the Season 3 finale, "Hurricane: Part 2", a reference to Reinhold Weege, the show's creator.]

Hit the Road, Jack [5.13]

[a group of circus geeks has been brought in for alleged lewd conduct; after hearing the facts of the case]

Harry: Mrs. Cooper, this is certainly a most serious and sobering charge...

[motioning "one second," he ducks his head under the bench and laughs hysterically; then he re-appears, perfectly sober]

Harry: Nevertheless... I don't really see where any law has been broken.

Jack Sullivan: You know that your mother and I dated for a long time. I wanted like hell to propose to her, but I was always broke, and... well, anyway, one day we're at Coney Island. I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy - I threw up three times.

Christine: In other words, you had a great time.

Jack Sullivan: The best! We stop at Great Sal's Ball Throw and Lithuanian Deli. I throw the balls and win this ring. And I say to your mother, just kidding, "I think this means we should get married." And your mother gets this funny look on her face, and says... "I'd love to."

I'm OK, You're Catatonic/Schizophrenic [5.14]

Al: When I was young, my mother told me Santa Claus was real. But when I got older, she told me he wasn't. One book says Jesus is real; one book says he isn't. We're living in the greatest country in the world...! And we're murdering each other in the streets. What did they expect when they made us believe in the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny... and then gave us the nuclear bomb to play with? Hey-diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle... is a lie like all the rest. The astronauts killed the Man in the Moon. Growing up took care of the rest.

Harry: What is it, Buddy? What is it about you that makes you so special? Why do people who are alone, and-and sad, they feel better just 'cause you're around? What is it?

Buddy: [thinks a moment] Love... caring...

Buddy/Harry: [in unison] ...and a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene with regular professional care.

[They grin at each other.]

Chrizzi's Honor [5.15]

Roz: [reading her invitation] "Lords and Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the honor of your presence tonight, at a gala affair commemorating the tenth wedding anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady Diana." (sarcastic) Par-ty!

Dan: Listen to me, we're talking naked Italian women hanging from the ceiling!

Harry: No, you listen to me, Dan. Miss Sullivan is our friend, and if once in a while she'd like us all to get together, then we should do so cheerfully...! Even if it is excruciatingly dull and stupid.

[Christine is furious to hear that Harry is forcing everyone to attend her party.]

Roz: [sympathetically] Poor thing. She's probably too upset to even have the party now.

Harry: Not a chance.

Roz: Damn!

Another Day in the Life [5.16]

Dan: Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!

Roz: What's wrong, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

Dan: No. It just so happens that the assistant D.A.'s have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.

Christine: By total volume, or percentage?

Dan: Raw tonnage.

Christine: What?

Dan: Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins two thousand dollars.

Mac: Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Mac: First case, refusing an order to vacate. [a trio of nuns enter] People versus Sisters Laurie, Mo and Carla.

Dan: [a la Curly] Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

Harry: Mr. Prosecutor, that will be enough.

Dan: [a la Curly] Soitenly!

Heart of Stone [5.17]

Bull: Sir, your new bowling ball is ready.

Harry: Oh, swell! [pulls out the ball, painted like a giant eyeball] Ha-ha!

Christine: My God, when people see that rolling down the aisle, they're gonna throw up their pretzels.

Mario: Hey, judge, I got your suit of armor here, good as new.

Harry: Oh, great! Did you get all the goldfish out of it?

Russkie Business [5.18]

Yakov Kovlenko: Give her hell, Harry!

Harry: How are we gonna get the guy a visa?

Ludmila Federova: He cannot have one, ever. I cannot ignore the law and let a possible subversive back into my country.

Harry: Oh, come on! We both know he's not a subversive! He's just some poor schlep who wants to go home and visit his mom!

Ludmila Federova: [confused] What is meaning of "sch-lep"?

Harry: Well, uh, let's see. Uh... you remember Jimmy Carter?

[Ludmila's eyes widen, and she nods in understanding.]

'[after Christine rejects an anonymous love letter.]

Bull: Sorry, guess she wasn't interested.

Johnny Carson: I'm sorry to hear that.

Bull Shannon: Excuse me, but... aren't you married now?

[Carson furrows his brow.]

Johnny Carson: I... I don't know.

Jung and the Restless [5.19]

Harry: How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?

Bull: I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.

Harry: "Oxymoron".

Bull: If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.

Harry: No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, "jumbo shrimp."

Christine: "Bitter sweet."

Dan: "Free love."

Bull: I understand.

Mac: Yeah, that's a good one too.

Christine: You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.

Bull: What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.

Dan: Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.

Top Judge [5.20]

[Cleaver challenges Harry to a battle of pranks, but Harry demurs]

Mac: Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!

Roz: Where is your pride?

Christine: Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir! [off their looks] Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.

Harry: Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation. [beeping] What's that?

Roz: It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.

[Harry pops open the briefcase and peeks inside... and a spring hand pops out, hitting him in the face with a pie. Harry looks up, and slowly rises to his feet, his face still covered with whipped cream]

Harry: I'M GONNA WASTE THE SUCKER!

[cheering]

Harry: Cleaver, you may be younger, you may be faster, you may even be smarter. But you will never, ever be crazier... than ME!

Mac's Millions [5.21]

[as everyone opens their presents]

Dan: [gasps] My God! It's a Rolex.

Mac: Read the inscription.

Dan: "Dear Dan, whether you believe it or not, I think of you as a friend."

[To everyone's confusion, he drops the watch into his water glass, covers the glass with his hand and shakes it briskly, then pulls the watch out and checks the action.]

Dan: [gasps again] It's real!

Danny Got His Gun: Part 1 [5.22]

Christine: You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.

Dan: It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.

Mac: Get out!

Dan: No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...

Bull: Like going to the bathroom. [stares from everyone] ...What?

[Harry bribes a messenger boy to sing a regular telegram]

Timmy: [to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat] "U.S. Army sad to say that sometime yesterday/ Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Hudson Bay."

Christine: [reading] "Although a body has not been found, he is presumed dead at the scene."

Bull: [singing] Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream!

Danny Got His Gun: Part 2 [6.01]

Danny Got His Gun: Part 3 [6.02]

Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.

Dan: All right... there! That wasn't so bad.

Dr. Gordon Mooney: Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.

Dan: Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really... [gasp] Ugh! Blood!

Dr. Gordon Mooney: [annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?

Roz: [at Dan's funeral] The Dan Fielding I knew was a self-centered, egotistical, boot-licking, no-good sack of slime in a $500 suit. His every action had an ulterior motive: if Dan gave you the shirt off his back you could bet that his pants and underwear would soon follow.

Fire [6.03]

Harry: Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified.

Christine: Why, because he has a pair of... [notices Roz staring at her] ...pants?

Roz: [disappointed] Chicken!

[after the State Assembly race is announced to be a tie by a single, last-minute vote, the voter's body is brought into the morgue]

Harry: What was it, a heart attack?

Attendant Cal: [hands Harry a note] Suicide.

Harry: [reading] "I can't stand living in this crummy city another day. So as a final gesture of my contempt for New York, I'm voting to put that scummy worm Dan Fielding into office. Fielding and New York deserve each other. Goodbye, and good riddance."

Phil: [sniffles] What a tribute!

Harry and the Tramp [6.04]

Christine: Bull, I'm sure if you just tell Roz what happened, she'll understand.

Roz: [storms in] When I find the butthead who stole my coffee mug, I'm gonna yank his shorts out through his nose!

Bull: [whispers to Mac] Would that hurt?

Mac: Oh, yeah.

[Diane doesn't believe that Harry's really a judge]

Harry: Hey, Bull! [stands up straight with his fists on his hips] Who am I?

Bull: ...You're Superman.

Harry: No, no, I mean in real life.

Bull: Oh, Clark Kent.

Educating Rhoda [6.05]

Dr. DeLeon: My God, don't you realize that woman is dangerous? She over-identifies with characters in movies, and acts them out. Sometimes with horrifying results!

Rhoda: Boy, and she seemed so sweet when we were watching TV in the lounge.

Dr. DeLeon: Quickly, miss! Exactly what were you watching?

Rhoda: Uh, it was an old black-and-white movie about a guy in a dress.

Harry: Oh, uh... "Some Like It Hot"?

Rhoda: No... "Psycho"!

[Looks of horror all around]

Harry [over the phone] You gotta listen to me! That woman you're with is psychotic!

Dan: [chuckles] Well, maybe a little enthusiastic...

[as he turns away, Valerie takes a butcher knife out of her purse...]

Dan: Yeah? Uh, listen, how exactly are we defining "homicidal"?

[And throws it, embedding it into the wall a few inches in front of Dan's nose]

Dan: [into phone] Uh, Harry? [screaming] HELLLLLP!

Valerie: [yanks the phone cord out of the wall] Sorry... wrong number.

The Last Temptation of Mac [6.06]

Mac: [ducking balls of wadded-up paper] Look, Quon Le, if you really want to hurt me, you've gotta throw something heavier!

Quon Le Robinson: Oh, I will! I'm just perfecting my aim!

Harry: [after hearing of Irwin's rescue from a Macy's Thanksgiving balloon] You must be the luckiest man who ever lived.

Irwin: No... Dan Quayle is.

The Law Club [6.07]

Dan: Tell you what. If you feel up to it, I know a place around the corner that serves a great cappuccino. And if we get there before eleven, you can watch me wrestle a live, large Swede woman.

Christine: Maybe not all in one night.

Night Court of the Living Dead [6.08]

Mr. Carney: Come on, give me a break, I've been in a coma for twenty years.

Roz: In that case, you want to bet on the Packers this Sunday?

Dan: Uh, Your Honor, the defendant, Mr. Carney, had no apparent hope of recovery. The doctors asked Mr. Higgins, his nephew and only living relative, if they could pull the plug. Choking back the tears, Mr. Higgins told the staff, "tag him and bag him, Doc."

Harry: I hate to get too technical here, but when did the illegal stuff happen?

Mr. Higgins: When I came by the hospital to take him home. Can you believe it? He hit me right in the vestibule!

Harry: Gee, that must have hurt.

The Night Court Before Christmas [6.09]

[Roz is wearing an elf suit.]

Roz: Are you laughing at me, Dan?

Dan: [laughing] Yes, I am laughing at you. Men have died laughing at less.

[Roz pulls out a large plastic candy cane and presses the tip against Dan's chest.]

Roz: Pick a body cavity, Dan.

Harry: [not wanting to send Roz back to holding] Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you might change your mind?

McCracken: I'll change my mind when Hell has frozen over, and the sun has turned to dust!

Bull: All right!

Mental Giant [6.10]

Dr. Malloy: Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.

Dan: So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?

Dr. Malloy: We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.

Dan: Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.

Dr. Malloy: Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.

Dan: Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.

Dr. Malloy: We call them subjects.

Dan: [grabs microphone] Let the games begin!

Rock-a-Bye Baby [6.11]

Mac: So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?

Harry: I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...

Dan/Mac/Bull/Roz: [in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.

Harry: Ah, the legend lives.

Clip Show: Part 1 [6.12]

Clark Edwards: You know, with everything that goes on around here, I'm surprised someone hasn't been killed!

Bull: [stands, brightly] I was!

Clark Edwards: ...I know I'll probably regret asking this, but could you please elaborate on that?

Bull: Well, you see... it was a dark and stormy night...

[Clip from Episode 5.03, "Death of a Baliff"]

Clark Edwards: So the reasons I have for the destruction of the three uniforms are "sat on a bomb," "hit by lightning," and "ripped to shreds by a small Asian woman."

Harry: Sounds right to me.

[After viewing clips from "Dan, the Walking Time Bomb" [5.12], "Death of a Baliff" [5.03], and "Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson" [4.20].]

Clip Show: Part 2 [6.13]

Clark Edwards: My God, he's gonna kill us!

Harry: Oh relax, Mr. Edwards.

Clark Edwards: He's got a gun! How can you be so calm?

Harry: Because thanks to the crack security you've given us around here, we've kind of gotten used to this sort of thing.

Clark Edwards: Don't cry on my shoulder, Judge Stone. We provide you with the best security money can buy.

Harry: Yeah? Well, have you thought about maybe taking a couple of days to train 'em first?!

Clark Edwards: What I am saying is that I remain unconvinced that for some reason, bizarre incidents keep happening in your courtroom.

[Distant crash, rumble.]

Harry: What the hell...?

[Everyone ruses to the courtroom.]

Mac: Oh, my dear Lord!

[Bull is standing there, eating popcorn and apparently oblivious to the fact that a full-grown elephant is standing behind him, and in front of a very large hole in the wall.]

Bull: Hi, guys!

[Harry, speechless, turns to Mr. Edwards.]

Clark Edwards: Don't say a word. I believe everything you said. Just send me the bill and let's both forget we ever met each other. [flees]

The Trouble Is Not in Your Set [6.14]

Roz: [holding a sheaf of mail] Fan mail's here.

Dan: Ah yes, the Fielding juggernaut gathers steam!

Roz: These are Christine's. [extracts a small postcard] This one's for you.

Dan: [takes it] Well, every vote counts.

[While he checks the address, Roz reads the message on the other side.]

Roz: "Get your mud-sucking pig face off my TV."

Dan: Ah-ha. An undecided.

Mac: [re: his yellow sweater] Think it's a little bright?

Harry: No, Venus is a little bright. [into microphone] Warning, home viewers: do not stare directly into the sweater!

The Game Show [6.15]

Judge Wilbur: Let's get the ground rules straight. I run my court differently than that yo-yo Stone. I don't do card tricks, I don't have dribble glasses, and I hate fun. Now let's go hang someone.

[in a holding cell]

Chip: What're you in for?

Dan: Uh, contempt of court. You?

Chip: Oh, we're just in for a little terror-and-mayhem spree 'tween here and South Carolina.

Dale: [jauntily] Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini marts... [noogies Dan in the stomach] burned to the ground!

This Old Man [6.16]

Dan: Ted, did Christine happen to tell you I'm running for state assembly?

Ted: Yes, and I plan on giving you every consideration.

Dan: Damn it, man, I need money!

Ted: I'm sorry, I make it a policy never to involve myself in political campaigns. When you're in land development, it looks like you're currying favor.

Dan: Hey, if I'm elected, I promise I won't do anything for you.

Ted: I'm sure you'll find support somewhere.

Dan: You bet I will! Let me tell you something, I wouldn't be running for public office if I didn't think there was somebody out there who would want to buy me!

Dan: [sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!

Christine: I can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.

Dan: I did it for the people. [opens the envelope and looks at the check] Twenty bucks?! Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?!

Roz: [reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Strange Bedfellows [6.17]

[on election night, Dan is lying in bed with his opponent, Joan Hobson]

Dan: Oh, baby... call me a "tool of the special interests" again.

Dan: I just came by to tell everybody that the victory party is off.

Christine: Oh Dan, I'm sorry. I know how much the election meant to you.

Dan: There'll be other elections. Maybe next time I'll even get you to vote for me.

[He touches her elbow playfully, and she laughs despite herself.]

Christine: Well, that depends. Do you think you'll be facing Joan Hobson again?

Dan: [smiles] I certainly hope so. [kisses her cheek] Goodnight, Christine.

Christine: [surprised] Good night, Dan.

From Snoop to Nuts: Part 1 [6.18]

[Roz places a large box on Mac's desk.]

Mac: What's that?

Roz: Evidence from the Darcy case. They need IDs.

Mac: [looks inside] Aw, man! These are those damn sex toys! How am I supposed to identify these?

[They both look across the room at Dan. Mac carries the box over.]

Mac: Hey, Dan! You know this stuff?

Dan: [looks inside, big smile] Like the palm of my hand.

Christine: [drunk] Buddy! Harry! I've gotta go! I've gotta stop him!

[She rushes to the door, and crashes into it]

Buddy: I used to do that a lot. But I'm feeling much better now!

From Snoop to Nuts: Part 2 [6.19]

Harry: All right, Buddy, whatever you have to say, go ahead and lay it out. Nothing that you can say could possibly faze me now!

Buddy: You were born in a mental institution!

Harry: ...I stand corrected.

Buddy: Your mom was really pretty messed up when she first moved into the hospital. To give you an idea, I actually helped her. It was just the two of us. We clung to each other for support. And that support grew into friendship. And that friendship grew into love.

Harry: And that's... where I came into the picture.

Buddy: Yeah.

Buddy: Well, it's been quite an eventful day, Harry. Even by my standards. You sure you're all right?

Harry: Well, let's see. I got knocked around by an inept government agent, went through a severe identity crisis, and nearly got myself killed... [grins] But I'm feeling much better now!

Pen Pal [6.20]

James: I need to talk to you, Roz. Is there someplace quiet?

Bull: Doesn't get quieter than up here!

[They both look at him.]

Bull: ...Ah. Well, I could leave you in the custody of a fellow bailiff...

[He gives Roz an obvious wink, then goes downstairs.]

Roz: That was stupid. He knows he's not supposed to leave you alone with me.

James: Because you might let me go?

Roz: Because I might throw you off the roof!

Roz: I'd like to talk about what you did up on the roof.

Bull: [modestly] Oh, that's okay, Roz, you don't have to thank...

Roz: What the hell is the matter with you?! You knew how I felt about James! You never leave a prisoner with someone who might let him go! Now you could have lost your job. And don't you ever do anything like that again, do you hear me?

Bull: [looks down, tiny voice] Yes, ma'am.

Roz: Good. Now bend over.

[Bull looks up in alarm. Wincing, he leans down... and Roz kisses him tenderly on the crown of his head.]

Roz: [softly] Thank you.

Not My Type [6.21]

Yet Another Day in the Life [6.22]

New Trekker: [dressed as Geordi La Forge] Admit it, the old Enterprise was a piece of junk!

Old Trekker: [dressed as Mr. Spock] Oh, yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?

[They start to fight, Bull grabs them both by the collarbone]

New Trekker/Old Trekker: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Bull: How do you like the Bailiff Bull grip?

Dan: Your Honor, the defendants were arrested after a disturbance that erupted during a seminar on "Androids on Starfleet Command Vehicles"... Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?

Old Trekker: Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge! Rules are rules.

New Trekker: Oh, yeah? He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive anytime he felt like it!

Old Trekker: Go suck on a Tribble!

New Trekker: Go sit on a phaser!

Life with Buddy [7.01]

If I Were a Rich Man [7.02]

Dan: Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.

Roz: How do you know that?

Dan: A little birdie told me.

Christine: Dan, you heard that from Bull!

Dan: All right, a huge bald condor told me.

Christine: Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?

Dan: [grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?

Harry: So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?

Dan: Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.

Harry: He took you to the cleaners, huh?

Dan: [slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.

Harry: How bad was it? [Dan hands him King's check] $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?

[Dan writes a figure on a piece of paper and passes it to Harry. Harry compares the two]

Harry: Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this... [he stops, and compares the two papers again] ...No. Don't look back on this.

The Cop and the Lady [7.03]

[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]

Tony: I'm looking for Fielding...

Dan: IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!

[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]

Christine: Eat mace, bozo!

Tony: Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop! [shows his badge]

Harry: You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.

Tony: [still blinking off the mace] Charmed.

Christine: Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.

Tony: I'm undercover, I put it there!

[Dan is hiding from his stalker disguised in a "borrowed" nun's outfit]

Christine: [not seeing his face] Sister? Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.

[Dan starts to speak up, but changes his mind.]

Dan: [high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.

Christine: Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.

Dan: Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.

Christine: Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.

Dan: Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.

Christine: I don't know where to start.

Dan: Were you naked?

Christine: No! No. We just kissed.

Dan: Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?

Christine: [perplexed] What?

Dan: Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?

Christine: [pulls back the wimple and sees him] DAN! [starts whaling on him] DAN FIELDING, YOU BIG PERVERT!

[she storms away]

Come Back to the Five and Dime, Stephen King, Stephen King [7.04]

[Dan scorns the idea of using Madame Rochelle as a medium.]

Madame Rochelle: Oh, no expert, huh? Well then, how do I know that as a child, you were called "Potato Face"?

Dan: [seizes her by the shoulders] HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? [lets go of her and composes himself] I have no idea what she's talking about.

Blue Suede Bull [7.05]

For Love or Money [7.06]

Auntie Maim [7.07]

[about the dance marathon contestants]

Harry: Well, isn't that kind of dangerous?

Bobby Baumgarner, DJ: [into microphone] Hey, that's half the fun!

[Harry just looks at him.]

Bobby Baumgarner, DJ: [into microphone] I'll shut up now!

Sascha Minkoff: You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.

Dan: Oh? What happened to him?

Sascha Minkoff: He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.

[Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]

Dan: What were you doing?

[She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]

Dan: [shocked] My god, that would generate forty-eight pounds of pressure per square inch!

Sascha Minkoff: Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?

Attack of the Mac Snacks [7.08]

Branded: Part 1 [7.09]

Judge Casement: Who's Fielding?

Dan: I am, Your Honor.

Judge Casement: Get your butt up here and state your grievance.

[Dan takes the stand.]

Judge Casement: Briefly, very briefly.

Dan: [stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!

[pause]

Judge Casement: You may elaborate.

[after his opening statement]

Dan: [whispering] How'd I sound?

Harry: Like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.

Branded: Part 2 [7.10]

[Dan is working at a restaurant under an assumed name.]

Roz: You're broke, aren't you?

Dan: You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.

Dan: Before you warm up the tar and feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to my side of the story.

Judge Casement: Are you suggesting I'm unfair?

Dan: You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and accepted witness testimony from people who didn't even know me.

Judge Casement: They were all women you slept with!

Dan: That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.

Judge Casement: I'll take that into account. Anything else?

Dan: Yes. I would like to thank each of my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.

Roz: Beats sitting here listening to Harry.

Dan: I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Wood, for teaching me a very important lesson. You see, all my life I wanted to be rich and important, like you. Even as a kid back in Louisiana, I would wear a tie while slopping hogs, pretending they were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All those years ago, and then suddenly, I had the chance to become one of you! To my own surprise, I said no. Because I realized that... you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even better than the pigs.

Passion Plundered [7.11]

Amore or Less [7.12]

Razing Bull [7.13]

Futureman [7.14]

Christine: Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.

Harry: Why was that?

VHK-937: [in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!

Dan: [mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!

Dan Fielding: [running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?

Christine: [deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.

Wedding Bell Blues: Part 1 [7.15]

Wedding Bell Blues: Part 2 [7.16]

The Talk Show [7.17]

Melvin and Harold [7.18]

The Glasnost Menagerie [7.19]

I Said Dance! [7.20]

My Three Dads [7.21]

Still Another Day in the Life [7.22]

A Closer Look [7.23]

The Blues of the Birth [7.24]

A Family Affair: Part 1 [8.01]

A Family Affair: Part 2 [8.02]

When Harry Met Margaret [8.03]

Can't Buy Me Love [8.04]

Death Takes a Halloween [8.05]

Crossroads: Part 1 [8.06]

Crossroads: Part 2 [8.07]

Day Court [8.08]

A Night Court at the Opera [8.09]

Nobody Says Rat Fink Anymore [8.10]

Jail Bait [8.11]

It's Just a Joke [8.12]

Bringing Down Baby [8.13]

Presumed Insolvent [8.14]

Mama Was a Rollin' Stone [8.15]

Attachments Included [8.16]

Alone Again, Naturally [8.17]

Hey Harry, F'Crying Out Loud--It Is a Wonderful Life... Sorta [8.18]

To Sleep, No More [8.19]

With a Little Help from My Friends [8.20]

Mac Takes a Vocation [8.21]

Harry's Fifteen Minutes [8.22]

Where There's a Will, There's a Tony: Part 1 [8.23]

Where There's a Will, There's a Tony: Part 2 [8.24]

A Guy Named Phantom: Part 1 [9.01]

A Guy Named Phantom: Part 2 [9.02]

My Life as a Dog Lawyer [9.03]

Puppy Love [9.04]

Pop Goes the Question [9.05]

Guess Who's Listening to Dinner? [9.06]

Looking for Mr. Shannon [9.07]

Teacher's Pet [9.08]

The System Works [9.09]

Get Me to the Roof on Time [9.10]

Santa on the Lam [9.11]

Shave and a Haircut [9.12]

A New York Story [9.13]

Undressed for Success [9.14]

Poker? I Hardly Know Her [9.15]

Party Girl: Part 1 [9.16]

Party Girl: Part 2 [9.17]

To Sir with... Ah, What the Heck... Love [9.18]

P.S. Do I Know You? [9.19]

Opportunity Knock Knocks: Part 1 [9.20]

Opportunity Knock Knocks: Part 2 [9.21]

The 1992 Boat Show [9.22]