Muppet Treasure Island is a 1996 American musical film based on Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. It is the fifth feature film to star The Muppets and was directed by Jim Henson's son Brian Henson.

Written by James V. Hart, Jerry Juhl & Kirk R. Thatcher. Based on the book by Robert Stevenson.

Set sail for Muppet mayhem! (taglines)

Jim Hawkins

  • The bar's closed.
  • There's not Billy Bones here, and I'm not a girl.
  • Wherever the wind may take us!

Long John Silver

  • When you're a professional pirate...
  • Sing it, lads! Show 'em you've been practicing!
  • Upstage lads, this is my only number!

Billy Bones

  • [to Gonzo] It ain't no jokin' matter, hose-nose!
  • Beware, lads, beware!
  • Beware running with scissors, or any other pointy objects! It's all good fun 'till somebody loses an - AHHHH! [collapses and dies]

Rizzo the Rat

  • Here they go again.
  • He DIED? And this is supposed to be a kids movie!

Dialogue

Mr. Arrow: Roll call! [reads from list] Long John Silver?
Long John Silver: Aye aye, sir!
Mr. Arrow: Short Stack Stevens?
Short Stack Stevens: Aye!
Mr. Arrow: One-Eyed Jack?
One-Eyed Jack: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Black-Eyed Pea?
Black-Eyed Pea: Here.
Mr. Arrow: Walleyed Pike!
Walleyed Pike: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Polly Lobster!
[Polly whistles]
Mr. Arrow: Mad Monty!
Mad Monte: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Sweetums!
Sweetums: [from behind them] AYE.
[the captain and Mr. Arrow jump]
Mr. Arrow: ...Old Tom.
Old Tom: Aye aye.
Mr. Arrow: Real Old Tom.
[puppet controls Real Old Tom]
Real Old Tom: Aye!
Mr. Arrow: Dead Tom.
[same puppet controls a skeleton]
Dead Tom: Aye aye!!
[Captain Smollett whimpers]
Gonzo: Cool.
Mr. Arrow: ...Clueless Morgan!
Clueless Morgan: Huh?
Mr. Arrow: Headless Bill? ...Headless Bill? [everyone's looking around; they spot a headless puppet saluting; officers stand aghast for a moment] Big Fat Ugly Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O'Brien?
Woman: [deep voice] Aye.
[officers jaws drop; they recover]
Mr. Arrow: Angel Marie.
'Angel Marie: [an ugly creature] Aye. Aye.
Captain Smollett: Hmm... hmm... Gentlemen, may I see you in my cabin? Immediately?
Captain Smollett: WHO HIRED THIS CREW?! This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I've ever seen! SO WHO HIRED 'EM?! [pants] [Jim and officers point at Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger] Your finger hired the crew?
Trelawney: No, that's silly. The man who lives in my finger hired the crew - Mr. Bimbo. What? [listens through finger] Ah. Yeah, he relied heavily on the advice of our excellent cook, Long John Silver.
[Smollett sighs back in his chair]
Captain Smollett: A cook, and a guy who lives in a bear's finger?
Trelawney: Exactly!
[Mr. Arrow faceplams]
Captain Smollett: I'm starting to worry about this voyage.


Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan alter.
Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?
Gonzo: One leg, Jim. Count 'em, one.
Benjamina Gunn: Of all the backwater, no-class piles of sand in the ocean, you had to wash up on mine.
Captain Abraham Smollett: Benjamina, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
Benjamina Gunn: Sorry? No, no sorry doesn't cut it. You left me standing at the altar!
Captain Abraham Smollett: I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.
Benjamina Gunn: You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet! My mother came all the way from France. I was wearing her white lace dress. The cake was filled with lemon custard!
Captain Abraham Smollett: Benjamina? Fate has brought us together again. Well, actually, buried treasure and pirates brought us together--
Benjamina Gunn: Don't you start with me about pirates! After you jilted me, I took up with this Bernie Flint. The man was totally co-dependent!
Captain Abraham Smollett: You and Captain Flint...?
Benjamina Gunn: Well, he was a pirate, I was a lady. You know the story. Smollett? He marooned me? Me? (Benjamina Gunn sobbing)
Captain Abraham Smollett: Oh, what's the matter? What have I done to you?
Benjamina Gunn: All right! No More Ms. Nice Guy! No one maroons me and gets away with it!
(Smollet is sword fighting Silver, and has been able to cut off parts of his clothing during it; Smollet contently swings his sword while casually humming)
Long John Silver: Excuse me!
Captain Smollet: Pardon? [Distracted, he loses his sword] Uh...I'm a frog. You know, slippery hands? [Silver gives an evil grin and points his sword at Smollet's throat] Erm... Y'know, I never really believed violence solved anything.
Long John Silver: Oh, really? Allow me to disagree with you, Captain.
Jim: (appears with sword) Kill Catain Smollet and you'll have to kill me.
Gonzo: (also appears) Kill Jim and you'll have to kill me.
Trelawney: (also appears) Kill Gonzo and you'll have to kill me.
Rizzo: (also appears) Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.
(Jim catches Silver escaping in the lifeboat)
Jim Hawkins: Silver!
Long John Silver: I suppose you'll be blowing the whistle on me now, won't you, Jim?
Jim Hawkins: I suppose I will. You have to return to Bristol to stand trial. (raises his whistle)
Long John Silver: Oh, I'm sorry, Jim. (aims his pistol at him) I got a terrible fear of hanging. We're shipmates, aren't we, Jim? Gentlemen of fortune, together. Give us one more chance? (Jim does not drop his whistle, Silver lowers his pistol) Oh, hell, Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me.
Jim Hawkins: I learned it from my friends, Mr Silver. Now take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again, ever.
Long John Silver: Oh, Jim? (he throws Jim his compass and rows off) 'Tis a shame, really. We'd have made a great team, Jim.

Cast

Live-action actors

Muppet performers

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