1950s

• What, Me Worry? (#24 – 07/1955)

1960s

1970s

1980s

1990s

• A born executive is a guy whose father owns the business. (#236 – 01/1983)
• The trouble with learning from experience is that you get the test before the lesson. (#290 – 10/1989)
• The distance between many people's ears is a block. (#314 – 10/1992)
• Politicians are people who get sworn in and then cursed out. (#315 – 12/1992)
• The problem with the ladder of success is that by the time you've climbed it, you're considered over the hill. (#316 – 01/1993)
• The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them. (#317 – 03/1993)
• If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows an three tellers? (#318 – 04/1993)
• April 15th is a day that tests a person's power of deduction. (#319 – 06/1993)
• It's a good idea to save your money. One day, it might be worth something again. (#320 – 07/1993)
• How is it that people looking for a helping hand tend to overlook the one at the end of their own arm? (#321 – 09/1993)
• English is a language where double negatives are a no-no. (#322 – 10/1993)
• The reason most doctors don't believe in acupuncture is because they'd rather stick us with the bill. (#323 – 12/1993)
• Most people don't act stupid; it's the real thing. (#324 – 01/1994)
• These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that there are more hoods than neighbors. (#325 – 02/1994)
• The reason many people are lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. (#326 – 02-03/1994)
• Too often, people who want to offer sound advice give us more sound than advice. (#327 – 05/1994)
• Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are? (#328 – 06/1994)
• Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check. (#329 – 07-08/1994)
• Ever notice how random chance always picks you for Jury Duty, but never to win the Lottery? (#330 – 09/1994)
• America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign. (#331 – 10-11/1994)
• A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course. (#332 – 12/1994)
• Parents supporting their kids in college get poorer by degrees. (#333 – 01-02/1995)
• Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and then selling your story on TV. (#334 – 03-04/1995)
• A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose. (#335 – 05/1995)
• The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard. (#336 – 06/1995)
• Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade. (#337 – 07/1995)
• You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train. (#338 – 08/1995)
• Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it everyday! (#339 – 09/1995)
• How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America? (#340 – 10-11/1995)
• A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep. (#341 – 12/1995)
• Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults. (#342 – 01-02/1996)
• Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every Ma Nugget weighs the same. (#343 – 03/1996)
• It takes one to know one — and vice versa. (#344 – 04/1996)
• How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research? (#345 – 05/1996)
• The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents were much cheaper. (#347 – 07/1996)
• A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa. (#348 – 08/1996)
• If opera is entertainmaent, then falling off a roof is transportation. (#349 – 09/1996)
• Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement. (#350 – 10/1996)
• In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsights is definitely overrated. (#351 – 11/1996)
• Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many Americans' sleeping arrangements. (#352 – 12/1996)
• Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life o crime. (#353 – 01/1997)
• Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease. (#354 – 02/1997)
• Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grands, he'll show you the door. (#355 – 03/1997)
• Smoking helps you loose weight — one lung at a time. (#356 – 04/1997)
• A call girl is a lady who isn't free for the night. (#357 – 05/1997)
• A psychiatrist is someone who hopefully finds out what makes a person tick before they explode. (#358 – 06/1997)
• A bore is somebody who interrupts your fifth story with one of his own. (#359 – 07/1997)
• Most people who ask for a minute of your time have trouble timing a minute. (#360 – 08/1997)
• In Hollywood these days, what's coming out isn't as interesting as who's coming out. (#361 – 09/1997)
• Most doctors' gains are ill-gotten. (#362 – 10/1997)
• The problem with our economy is that our budget is supposed to be balanced by people who aren't. (#363 – 11/1997)
• The clearest digital signal is still flipping someone the bird. (#364 – 12/1997)
• In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. There ar also very few archery contests. (#365 – 01/1998)
• If medicine isn't an exact science, how come they always know how much to charge you? (#366 – 02/1998)
• Remember — The Post Office will not deliver mail without postage. And sometimes, even with. (#367 – 03/1998)
• A couch potato follows the path of least existence. (#369 – 05/1998)
• Too many movies today have a beginning, a muddle and an end. (#370 – 06/1998)
• There's more than one way to skin a cat, though you probably won't even need the one. (#372 – 08/1998)
• Every dog has its day, but in dog years that's like a whole week. (#373 – 09/1998)
• At one time or another, everybody plays the fool. But some people are typecast for life. (#374 – 10/1998)
• The psychiatrist's office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean. (#375 – 11/1998)
• Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to Traffic Court. (#376 – 12/1998)
• You can't hurry love — but you can move up the wedding to accomodate the baby's arrival. (#377 – 01/1999)
• Any dentist who says "This won't hurt a bit" is lying through your teeth. (#379 – 03/1999)
• Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than reading them. (#380 – 04/1999)
• When it comes to personal conduct, always set the bar high — it makes it much easier to sneak underneath. (#382 – 06/1999)
• Most people don't mind a hard day's work — just as long as they're not in that day. (#383 – 07/1999)
• On their deathbed, no one ever wished they had spent more time at the office — or on their deathbed, for that matter. (#384 – 08/1999)
• Put 1,000 writers in a room for 1,000 days and one will come up with a story about monkeys writing Hamlet. (#385 – 09/1999)
• Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree. (#386 – 10/1999)
• Parents treat their kids like teeth — they only try bonding once irreparable damage has been done. (#387 – 11/1999)
• If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they'd ask for it. (#388 – 12/1999)

2000s

• The reason most people talk to themselves is because they're often the only ones who will listen. (#389 – 01/2000) ^[1]
• Whoever said "Talk is cheap" never dialed a 1-900 number. (#390 – 02/2000)
• People who live in glass houses should look like Sharon Stone. (#391 – 03/2000)
• All lawyers are cut from the same cloth — fleece. (#392 – 04/2000)
• Too many people think the best way to get ul leg up on their finances is to look for a hand out. (#393 – 05/2000)
• Americans are the only people looking for a short cut to the quick fix. (#394 – 06/2000)
• The problem with our economy is that our budget is balanced by people who aren't. (#395 – 07/2000) ^[2]
• If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning. (#396 – 08/2000)
• Many a good egg ends up getting beaten. (#397 – 09/2000)
• Most wives are like ventriloquists — they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking. (#398 – 10/2000)
• With current divorce rates, it seems that often times the honeymoon is over before the honeymoon is over. (#399 – 11/2000)
• Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake. (#400 – 12/2000)
• A sherperd with no flock falls asleep counting creditors. (#401 – 01/2001)
• Men who will eat their mother's cooking have an edible complex. (#402 – 02/2001)
• Be wary of anyone who gives you advice beginning with "Be wary of". (#403 – 03/2001)
• Success is achieved only by those who are more or less confident, kind of specific and take a relatively firm stand. (#404 – 04/2001)
• A judge is nothing more than a lawyer who's been benched. (#405 – 05/2001)
• Parents work so they can give their children abetter life than they had — and then complain about how easy they've got it. (#406 – 06/2001)
• You can't go home again. At least that's what your parents will tell you on Graduation Day. (#407 – 07/2001)
• Understatement is a zillion times more effective than exaggeration. (#408 – 08/2001)
• Every dog has its day — but that day still consists largely of sniffing butts. (#410 – 10/2001)
• The most troublesome side effect of many prescription drugs is that they make you feel well enough to go back to work. (#411 – 11/2001)
• It's not the work that keeps most people from doing volunteer work — it's the pay. (#412 – 12/2001)
• People who live in glass houses are a Reality TV producer's dream come true. (#413 – 01/2002)
• Those who don't learn from history ar doomed to repeat it. And the same is true for all your other classes. (#414 – 02/2002)
• If you lend someone your ear, don't expect to be repaid with interest. (#415 – 03/2002)
• The problem with instant gratification is that it often takes too long. (#416 – 04/2002)
• Why is it that when someone's fighting to get in the last word, it's never "Sorry"? (#417 – 05/2002)
• For some, following in their parents' footsteps is more like a forced march. (#418 – 06/2002)
• Most people are so concerned about getting in the last word, they ignore all the previous ones. (#420 – 08/2002)
• Most bosses never lift a finger at work — unless it's to point out something you did wrong. (#421 – 09/2002)
• Many an election is won by the candidate who can fake sincerity better. (#422 – 10/2002)
• You can avoid many a close shave by not working yourself up into a lather. (#423 – 11/2002)
• Just because you put your foot down doesn't mean it won't end up in your mouth. (#424 – 12/2002)
• Parents are the ones who are there when you want to be alone with a date and nowhere to be found when you need five bucks. (#425 – 01/2003)
• It used to be that after years of service, your company would give you a gold watch. Now you're lucky if they give you the time of day. (#426 – 02/2003)
• Money can't buy happiness — but it can rent it repeatedly. (#427 – 03/2003)
• Before you buy a new mattress, you should probably sleep on it. (#428 – 04/2003)
• Plenty of people believe in energy conservation — mainly their own. (#429 – 05/2003)
• More people would think for themselves if someone just told them to. (#430 – 06/2003)
• To avoid repeating the mistakes of your father, start by not marrying your mother. (#431 – 07/2003)
• A monkey dressed like a man is still a monkey. But a man dressed like a monkey is a horse's ass. (#432 – 08/2003)
• If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, it must be a very short walk. (#433 – 09/2003)
• A gambler who thinks he has a "can't lose" system for winning at blackjack isn't playing with a full deck. (#434 – 10/2003)
• Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it. (#435 – 11/2003)
• Youth is like money — it's only after it's gone that you finally realize how you should have spent it. (#436 – 12/2003)
• Sometimes it seems like only masochists do unto others as they would have done unto themselves. (#437 – 01/2004)
• Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place. (#438 – 02/2004)
• The only time most people ar modest is in describing their own faults. (#439 – 03/2004)
• Most parents' idea of "sound advice" is suggesting that you shut up. (#440 – 04/2004)
• Most people still believe in a hard day's work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two. (#441 – 05/2004)
• Whoever said "fighting never solves anything" obviously never won a fight. (#442 – 06/2004)
• More Americans would speak out on the obesity problem — but it's impolite to talk with your mouth full. (#443 – 07/2004)
• If ignorance is bliss, you'd think people would be happier when you pointed out what morons they are. (#444 – 08/2004)
• It's true that school prepares you for job — in both, you sit behind a desk being bored all day. (#445 – 09/2004)
• When you put someone on a pedestal, it just makes it easier for them to look down on you. (#446 – 10/2004)
• Quitting smoking is easy... compared to a former smoker talk about quitting. (#447 – 11/2004)
• Whoever said "Charity begins at home" obviously never asked for a raise in allowance. (#448 – 12/2004)
• Your parents are right when they say they won't always be there to fight your battles for you — that's because they'll be the ones you're fighting against. (#450 – 02/2005)
• Parents who complain that you're not going anywhere in life are the same ones who refuse to give you a lift to the mall. (#451 – 03/2005)
• Nowadays, it seems like the biggest difference between a man's wife and his boss is that when the government comes looking for a handout, the honeymoon is really over. (#452 – 04/2005)
• People who swear they'll stick to their diet usually end up eating their words. (#453 – 05/2005)
• Whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" obviously never cut class. (#454 – 06/2005)
• Parents are the ones who never listen to a word you say — until you mutter something under your breath. (#455 – 07/2005)
• The problem with being smart is that most people are too stupid to notice. (#456 – 08/2005)
• Politicians only display creative thinking when making excuses after they get caught doing something illegal. (#457 – 09/2005)
• Politicians are always trying to convince you that they can solve the unemployment problem if you'll just give them a job. (#458 – 10/2005)
• If you repeat the same grade once, you're a dummy — if you do it 20 times, you're a teacher. (#459 – 11/2005)
• Talk is cheap — but say the wrong thing to your parents and it'll cost you. (#460 – 12/2005)
• Most siblings won't share anything — except embarrassing stories about you. (#461 – 01/2006)
• It's funny how no one is ever so busy that they can't find the time to complain about how busy they are. (#462 – 02/2006)
• Many long-time smokers end up having a coffin fit. (#463 – 03/2006)
• Too many people consider themselves open-minded when they're really just empty-headed. (#464 – 04/2006)
• How come the same parents who assure you that "it's what's inside that counts" whine endlessly about the way you dress? (#465 – 05/2006)
• It's funny how whenever your parents tell you to "think about what you did wrong", your answer is always the same — you got caught. (#466 – 06/2006)
• Everyday is a gift — but good luck exchanging it if you don'tlike it. (#467 – 07/2006)
• Vegetarians who go back to meat have to start by eating crow. (#468 – 08/2006)
• The problem with parents putting in their two cents is that they expect change. (#470 – 10/2006)
• How is it that a well-rounded diet consists of three square meals? (#471 – 11/2006)
• To be a member of the upper crust you need a lot of dough. (#472 – 12/2006)
• Why is it that when it comes to doing something about global warming, most politicians get cold feet? (#473 – 01/2007)
• Why doesn't time ever fly when you're stuck in an airplane? (#474 – 02/2007)
• An arrested drunk is someone who got nailed for getting hammered. (#475 – 03/2007)
• If we don't do something to stop global warming, pretty soon we'll all be in hot water. (#476 – 04/2007)
• In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Also, there's lots of competition for handicapped parking. (#477 – 05/2007)
• Nowadays, at many airlines, the only thing "up in the air" is whether the plane will ever take off. (#478 – 06/2007)
• Most people's definition of a dumb person is someone who doesn't recognize their brilliance. (#479 – 07/2007)
• The stupid person says, "It's impossible". The smart person says, "It's possible, if we can get enough stupid people to do it." (#480 – 08/2007)
• Haste makes waste, but at least it does so quickly. (#481 – 09/2007)
• It's said a picture is worth a thousand words, but try telling that to a teacher who assigned you a thousand-word essay. (#482 – 10/2007)
• Just because you wear the pants in your family doesn't mean it'll be your hands in the pockets. (#483 – 11/2007)
• Parents say that anything worth doing is worth doing right. Luckily, whatever they ask you to do is never worth doing. (#484 – 12/2007)
• A watch without hands tells no time, but neither does a digital watch with no batteries. (#485 – 01/2008)
• Whoever said nothing is gained by cheating never cheated on a diet. (#486 – 02/2008)
• Getting homework after a full day of school is like being forced to take home a doggy bag from a lousy restaurant. (#487 – 03/2008)
• When it comes to the lack of cleanliness at public urinals, it's amazing what some guys will stand for. (#489 – 05/2008)
• Presidents are like diapers — just because you've changed the old one doesn't mean the new one's not going to end up being full of crap, too. (#490 – 06/2008)
• The problem with talking in circles is that it's impossible to find a point. (#491 – 07/2008)
• Once you've learned to ride a bike, you'll never forget — too bad the same's not true about the combination lock you chained it up with. (#492 – 08/2008)
• It's funny how the dumbest son and shrillest daughter-in-law never fail to produce the smartest, sweetest grandchildren on the planet. (#493 – 09/2008)
• People who don't vote are electing to stay out of it. (#495 – 11/2008)
• When most people think about their problems, the only thing they figure out is that they're too dumb to fix them. (#496 – 12/2008)
• Many students believe originality means being the first to plagiarize an author's work. (#497 – 01/2009)
• There are two kinds of people in the world: those who think there are two kinds of people and those who don't. (#498 – 02/2009)
• Hybrid SUV's are like adult diapers — they don't really solve anything, but they make people feel better about the mess they're making. (#499 – 04/2009)
• Having a smoking section in a restaurant makes about as much sense as having a peeing section in a swimming pool. (#500 – 06/2009)
• Trying to enjoy the last few days of summer, knowing school is about to start, is like trying to enjoy the last few minutes of an in-flight movie, knowing your plane is about to crash. (#501 – 10/2009)

2010s

• There's a lot to be said for brevity. (#502 – 01/2010)
• Everyone wants politicians that are just like them — then they're upset when they are. (#503 – 05/2010)
• People who favor racial profiling should be sent back to where they came from. (#504 – 08/2010)
• Ask not what your country can do for you — you're just going to be disappointed with the answer. (#505 – 10/2010)
• Naysayers have it all wrong. (#506 – 12/2010)
• Too often, the helping hand you're being offered ends up in your pocket. (#507 – 02/2011)
• Nowadays, a loner is someone who only has 400 friends on Facebook. (#508 – 04/2011)
• Why is it that people who want government to be small always have the biggest mouths? (#509 – 06/2011)
• The only thing more depressing than another presidential election is what's likely to result from it. (#510 – 08/2011)
• If you always see your glass as half empty, try getting a smaller glass. (#512 – 12/2011)
• America is still the greatest country in the world... but only because all the other countries are collapsing even faster than we are. (#513 – 02/2012)
• No one's doing anything about the growing apathy in this country. (#514 – 04/2012)
• "Don't ask, don't tell" was a terrible policy for the military, but a great one for Internet search histories. (#515 – 06/2012)
• Yoga is great practice for marriage — all you do is bend over backwards when someone tells you to. (#516 – 08/2012)
• You can't judge a book by its cover — and the user reviews on Amazon are usually just as worthless. (#517 – 10/2012)
• For most people, being reflective means spending hours in front of a mirror. (#518 – 12/2012)
• We can fix America's plummeting test scores in math if we all just give 110 percent. (#519 – 02/2013)
• Yoga is great practice for marriage — all you do is bend over backwards when someone tells you to. (#520 – 04/2013) ^[3]
• No matter how sensible gun legislation is, it always seems to get shotdown. (#521 – 06/2013)
• The sooner you figure out that looks can only get you so far in life, the uglier you probably are. (#522 – 09/2013)
• If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the vast majority. (#523 – 10/2013)
• Most people simply repeat whatever they hear. You can quote me on that. (#524 – 12/2013)
• Constantly looking at your smartphone can really make you look stupid. (#525 – 01/2014)
• Whoever said times heals all wounds was probably never beheaded. (#526 – 04/2014)
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away — but only if you throw it really hard. (#527 – 06/2014)
• Skinny jeans should only be worn by people with skinny genes. (#528 – 08/2014)
• These days, you'd have to be crazy to run for political office — and that pretty much explains everything. (#529 – 10/2014)
• People try to throw money at all of their problems — except their debts. (#530 – 12/2014)
• Nowadays, "junk" mail refers to when some guy sends you an unwanted sext. (#531 – 02/2015)
• Flattery can get you far in life — but you're so smart, you probably already knew that. (#532 – 04/2015)
• Lawyers spend three years trying to pass the bar — and the rest of their careers lowering it. (#533 – 06/2015)
• Cheating on your diet is a piece of cake — and vice versa. (#534 – 08/2015)
• Even though America has a two-party system, it's still nothing to celebrate. (#535 – 10/2015)
• Our country's colleges are making sure that jobs stay in America — one loan officer at a time. (#536 – 12/2015)
• When people get a taste of their own medicine, it usually makes them sick. (#537 – 02/2016)
• Too many skinny dippers concentrate only on the dipping, and not enough on the skinny. (#538 – 04/2016)
• Most of the talk around the water cooler is about how it's the only water that's safe to drink. (#539 – 06/2016)
• Just because someone has a trophy wife doesn't mean they're not a loser. (#540 – 08/2016)
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away — especially if you nail him in the solar plexus. (#541 – 10/2016)
• Throwing in your two cents may end up costing you. (#542 – 12/2016)
• There's no "I" in "team" — but how many athletes these days can even spell? (#543 – 02/2017)
• Most people who say "it's always darker before the dawn" never explain what they're doing up that early. (#544 – 04/2017)
• Nothing beats the satisfaction of a job well done — especially if you weren't the one who had to do it. (#545 – 06/2017)
• Whoever said "it's lonely at the top" was probably talking to himself. (#546 – 08/2017)
• "Watch out for your fellowman" is good advice, no matter how you interpret it. (#547 – 10/2017)
• On their deathbed, no one wishes they'd spent more time at work... but plenty of people at work wish they were on their deathbed instead. (#548 – 12/2017)
• One good thing about World War 3: at least there won't be any more sequels. (#549 – 02/2018)
• Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life... because you'll be unemployed. (#550 – 04/2018)
• A first issue of a magazine is like a first flower in spring. Except we actually had to murder plants to make this. (#1 – 06/2018) ^[4]
• You can't teach an old man to fish, but you can teach him to microwave some tuna and make everyone else at the retirement home really angry. (#3 – 10/2018)
• Disney sets painfully unrealistic expectations. No dogs will eat my spaghetti. (#4 – 12/2018)
• I have a face that only a mother could love, which is why I'm dating your mom. (#5 – 02/2019)
• Nothing is certain except for death and taxes, unless you're rich, then just death. (#6 – 04/2019)
• The end of a vacation is like a thirsty stick: it sucks. Unless the vacation was full of ticks. (#7 – 06/2019 p. 5)
• Mythical is just mystical spoken with a lisp. (#7 – p. 6)
• Baby changing stations should be outlawed. Babies are fine just the way they are! (#7 – p. 35)
• The word boobs is so scary until you get to the second b. (#7 – p. 44)
• Make your life a little sillier by assuming glock is short for glockenspiel in rap songs. (#8 – 08/2019)
• Mercury retrograde negatively impacts conversation. For example, when you say Mercury retrograde, people stop talking to you. (#9 – 10/2019 p. 4)
• Don't let the bed bugs bite is victim blaming. (#9 – p. 5)
• They say young people are impressionable, but really their skin doesn't retain an imprint like an old person's. (#9 – p. 6)
• It's okay to cut corners—especially with this magazine. FREE confetti!!! (#9 – p. 52)
• (Sorry, folks, no dumb quote in #10; Happy Scary Halloween!)