Santa, Schmanta

Snot: Hanukkah's always been second fiddle to Christmas. We don't have any catchy songs or Santa. This is a tough time of the year for us.

Roger: [as Uncle Roger] Are there, or have there ever been, other tough times for Jewish people?

Snot: Yes.

Roger: So kids, if you want presents from Schmanta this year, don't put out milk and cookies, put out lox and bagels. And call your mother, she's very worried about you.

Paranoid Frandroid

Mrs. Lonstein: Air hockey?

Klaus: No thanks, I don't feel like playing.

Mrs. Lonstein: Aw, you're gonna make me play with myself?

Del: You ruined it! You ruined it when you sat on that fish's face!

Snot: What's happening, Steve? [sobbing]

Klaus: Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook!

The Census of the Lambs

[Stan plays the clarinet he stole from the Law and Order convention]

Security Guard: I heard it! Play it again, you coward!

Stan: I'm not a coward, Francine.

Francine: Then let's blow it together, outlaw. [They kiss while playing the clarinet]

Steve: Every year.

Barry: I feel like I’ve seen something like this done before.

Klaus: No, no, it’s all original. These are fresh ideas, obviously, Barry. Can you lean in a little? I want to match the image I have in my mind.

Snot: What a shutter slut.

Toshi: [in Japanese] When did we all get jealous about this?

Shell Game

[A scantily dressed woman in handcuffs gives Steve information on finding an expert on eggs]

Steve: Thank you. You’ve been a very helpful prostitute.

Woman: Prostitute?! How dare you! I was doing insider trading!

Detective: And I got that on tape.

[Commander is examing on the egg]

Roger: Careful. Nice and easy. Slowly. Real careful-like.

Commander: [yelling] I KNOW!

Roger: Eyes on the egg! Don't get distracted!

Steve: You're not gonna get away with this! I snuck on a walkie-talkie and alerted the other Protectors.

Roger: How did you sneak on a walkie-talkie? I did repeated full-cavity searches!

Steve: It was in my pocket.

[after Steve experienced his flashback of his family immigrating from Italy and experiencing life in the 50s]

Steve: What the hell was is in the sauce?

The Mural of the Story

Steve: The teacher here is supposed to be the most intense and demanding instructor in all of clowning, and...(immediate realization hits him): shit, it's Roger, isn't it? It's gonna be Roger.

Roger: I gotta take this. It's my ac-clown-tant... you know, a clown-accountant. He's got this giant calculator that only ever adds up to boobs. Pretty funny, but frankly, I think he's been stealing from me.

(You Gotta) Strike for Your Right

Klaus: So many people dead. Breaking Bad is depressing!

Steve: For the saps who watch the show in regular order!

Roger: Yep... for us "reversos", and Christian Scientists, I think, death is but the beginning of the story.

Stan: There is a time and a place for striking.

Hayley: When management puts profits above the health and welfare of the workers who earn it for them?

Stan: What? No. When you need to destroy an organization from the inside.

Hayley: You're such a dick, Dad.

Stan: Speaking of being a dick...you're not gonna love this. [He puts a bag over Hayley's head]

Hayley: Oh, man! This bag better be reusable!

Klaustastrophe.tv

Roger: Steve was right to hold out for something better.

Hayley: Why? What's he got going on?

Roger: He's going to Rhode Island with Stan, see the Harlem Globetrotters.

Francine: Goddamn Klaus.

Francine: People are actually watching this?

Klaus: Hundreds!

Hayley: And you can make money from it?

Klaus: Thousands!

Roger: It'll take more than just shouting numbers to get me on board.

Klaus: Millions!

Roger: Well, you called my bluff. I'm in.

Death by Dinner Party

Jeff: Roger said I have to stay in the closet because I'm dead. Do I get to be alive, now?

Hayley: Sorry, babe.

Jeff: It's okay. I've got my animal crackers and my bathroom bucket.

Roger: How did you know what I would do and say?

Steve: That's where I come in. I wrote over 1,800 pages of dialogue to account for any possibility. We spent months rehearsing to make sure we got the performances just right.

Tuttle: Vikram threatened to walk out multiple times.

Steve: But Vikram killed it.

The Never-Ending Stories

Stan: This was their last known location. They couldn't have gotten far.

Roger: That's what I thought the first time Dimitri ran away from home. Found him in a Burger King restroom three towns over. Thank God it was a glory hole hotspot. Reached out to my vast network of glory boys. Within hours I was relaxed enough to look for Dimitri on my own.

Hayley: We appreciate you listening more, Dad, but when are you gonna get your tongue reattached?

Stan: Roger won't give it back.

Roger: That's 'cause I'm still waiting for that dinner.

Steve: Roger...

Roger: All right, fine. [He pulls a Gramophone out of his butt] This is gonna take a minute, Stan.

Stan (reading Deputy Director Bullock's text message): "I'll be back to teach tomorrow. I got kicked out for not jerking it in the steam room."

Railroaded

Roger: Steve, you cannot be seen with those losers during an election. I got you new friends.

Steve: New friends?! If you think I'm gonna abandon... [Three ripped, shirtless teen boys enter] Make sure those dorks don't sneak in through the back.

Roger: We need to spend all day tomorrow prepping, because the debates are Thursday.

Stan: Isn't today Thursday?

Roger: If you're right -- and I'm beginning to think you are -- I slept 36 hours last night.

One-Woman Swole

[In falsetto from shock at seeing Francine's new figure]

Stan: B-b-b-b-boner from body! Body give boner! Beautiful body give baby boner! Oh mommy!

Top of the Steve

Headmistress Mahoney: Enjoy your last night at Pendlingtonton. I assume you'll need the next 12 hours to pack up all your jock straps and Gold Bond.

Steve: Am I the first man you've ever met?

Headmistress Mahoney: Come in, Steve.

Steve: I didn't even knock.

Headmistress Mahoney: Oh, I could hear your little pecker swinging to and fro all the way down the hall. Clanging against your thighs like a church bell.

(as Roger and Steve are running away from the students and Headmistress Mahoney, they stop at a locker where a Latina girl pops out)

Latina Girl: Hola, Steve. I'm the new foreign exchange student. In less than three years, this performance will be considered offensive.

(after Steve and Roger get "expelled" from Pendlingtonton for trying to sing Hey Jude by The Beatles, which puts Steve's spin-off overbudget)

Van Driver: No Beatles ever!

The Future is Borax

Stan: [Trying to save their marriage with a balloon ride] And now our last hope is a balloon shaped like my nutsack.

Francine: You wish your nutsack was as red as this.

Steve: [Regarding their entry in the Pizza Overlord Jingles contest] For ours, I wrote the melody, and Klaus wrote the lyrics. I can't stress that enough: Klaus wrote the lyrics.