A Christmas Story is a 1983 film, set in the 1940s, about a boy who has to convince his parents, teachers, and Santa that a Red Ryder BB gun really is the perfect Christmas gift.

Directed by Bob Clark. Written by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, and Bob Clark, based on Shepherd's short stories, contained in the books In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash and Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories.
A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas...taglines

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult)

  • Some men are Baptists, others Catholics. My father was an Oldsmobile man.
  • In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
  • Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.
  • Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preferences for Lux, but, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor. Heady, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand... (Yechh!)
  • Now I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out. And I blurted out the first name that came to mind.
  • Of course! Santa! The big man! The head honcho! The connection! [chuckles] Oh, my mother had truly messed up this time!
  • Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me, God, yellow eyes!
  • Aha! The Bumpus hounds! Da-da-da-da-da-da! Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses, had at least 785 smelly hound dogs and they ignored every human being on earth, except my old man.
  • Every family has a kid who won't eat. My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years!
  • Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.
  • I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB Gun mania knows no loyalty.
  • My old man's spare tires were actually just tires in the academic sense. They were round; they had once been made of rubber.
  • [After Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played. Gently.
  • [After the Christmas turkey is stolen by the neighbors' dogs] The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!
  • Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his Peacemaker?!
  • We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
  • Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.
  • There has never been a kid who didn't believe that he would be stricken blind before he reached twenty-one, and then they'd be sorry!
  • Adults loved to say things like that but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught.

Mr. Parker

  • You used up all the glue on purpose!
  • NADDAFINGA!! (Not a finger!!)
  • GO on! Have a chew fellows on me! It is my gift!
  • That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
  • Aha aha, it's a clinkerrrrrrr!!! That blasted, stupid furnace. Dadgummit! [Goes down stairs; falling sound is heard] Damn skates! [Coughs] For cripes sake, open up that damper, will you?! Who the hell turned it all the way down?! AGAIN?!!!
  • SONS A BITCHIN'! BUMPUSES!!!
  • [Reading sign on wooden crate] Fraa-jeel-aay! Huh! Must be Italian!
  • [After the Bumpus hounds steal the Parkers' turkey] All right, everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.
  • [as he is going "furnace fighting"] You filthy system! I hate it! [cursing] ...dumb, frattin', housesnickle viper! You platypus snot!
  • It's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see..... it's.... smiling at me.
  • He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
  • He looks like a pink nightmare!
  • Didn't I get a tie this year?

Mrs. Parker

  • [to Randy] I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!
  • [to Ralphie] You'll shoot your eye out!
  • That's ridiculous! Jealous? Jealous of what?! That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!!!
  • [to Randy] Well, put your arms down when you get to school.
  • Icicles have been known to KILL people!

Randy

  • Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beetloaf. I hate meatloaf.
  • [Admiring the presents under the tree] Wow a truck! That's mine!! [Points to a box] WOW look there! That's mine! [Feels a very hard present] What's in here? Oh, it's hard. Fire Truck. OH BOY! That's mine!
  • [hiding under a kitchen sink, crying] Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!

Others

  • Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
  • Ralphie: [after cracking a secret code, reading it] Be sure to...drink your... Ovaltine. Ovaltine?! A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch!
  • Scut Farkus: [to Ralphie] Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come! [Ralphie starts quivering] What? Are you gonna cry now? Cry, cry for me crybaby! Cry! [begins mock crying and laughing]

Dialogue

  • Shopper: [to Ralphie] Young man! Hey kid! Just where do you think you're going?!
  • Ralphie: [to Shopper] Going up to see Santa Claus.
  • Shopper: [to Ralphie] The line ends here. It begins there. [Points to the end of a very long line]
  • Santa Claus: [To Ralphie] How about a nice, uh... football?
  • Ralphie: [As narrator] Football? What's a football? Without conscious will my voice squeaked out "football".
  • Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
  • Ralphie: [As narrator] A football!? Oh, no! What was I doing!? Wake up, stupid! Wake up!
  • Ralphie: [As child] NO! [climbs back up exit slide] No, no; I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot-range model air rifle! [smiles hopefully at Santa]
  • Santa Claus: [to Ralphie] You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.
  • Ralphie: [smile fades to shock as Santa pushes Ralphie down the exit slide] NOOOOOO!!
Randy: [wailing] I can't put my arms down! [continues bawling, as Mother tries unsuccessfully to put his arms down]
Mother: Well, put your arms down when you get to school. [winds scarf around Randy's neck, as he resumes wailing]
[During recess at school, Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz and other kids are outside, standing beside the flagpole]
Flick: You're full of beans, and so is your old man.
Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Says who?
Flick: Says me!
Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well, I double-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The exact exchange and nuance of phrase in this ritual is very important.
Flick: Huh! Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb.
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick: You're full of it!
Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well I double dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now it was serious. A double dog-dare. What else was left but a "triple-dare you"? And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple dog-dare.
Flick: [over narrator's voice] This guy's really dumb.
Schwartz: I triple dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Hmm. Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare and going right for the throat!
Flick: All right, all right.
[Flick sighs and hesitantly sticks his tongue out]
Schwartz: Oh, go on, smart-ass, and do it!
Flick: [tongue out] I'm goin', I'm goin'!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer. There was no going back now.
Flick: [puts his tongue on pole] This is nothin'. [tries to pull off, but can't and realizes Schwartz was right.] Stuck? Stuck?! STUCK! STUCK! [he starts screaming and bawling]
Schwartz: Jeez! It really works! Look at him!
[the school bell rings and the students run back to the school except Flick, who keeps bawling]
Flick: Ralphie, come back! Come back! Don't leave me, come back!
Ralphie: But the bell rang!
Schwartz: Well, what are we gonna do?!
Ralphie: I don't know, the bell rang!
Flick: Don't leave me, come back! Come back, come back! [he bawls as he is still stuck to the pole]
Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?
Mother: Everybody knows that!
Mother: Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth fifty thousand bucks.
Mother: What is it this time?
Mr. Parker: Name the great characters in American literature.
Mrs. Parker: Victor?
Mr. Parker: Yeah.
Mrs. Parker: The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
[Everyone stares at Ralphie]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.
Mrs. Parker: [from downstairs] Ralphie! Randy! Down here in two minutes! And I mean two minutes!
[Randy runs first to the drawer, and Ralphie pushes him aside]
Randy: Come on, Ralphie, I got here first!
Ralphie: Tough!
[Randy starts kicking and hitting Ralphie from behind while Ralphie is at the dresser pulling a pair of socks out of the drawer and finishes]
Ralphie: Cut it out! [He leaves to put his Boy's Life Red Ryder magazine in his mother's magazine in their room]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A "C+"?! Oh, no! It can't be!
Ralphie: "C+"?
Miss Shields: [as the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz] C+! [cackling] C+!
[Ralphie looks down to see "P.S. You'll shoot your eye out!"]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out"?
Ralphie: Oh, no.
Ralphie as Adult: My mother must've gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!
Miss Shields and Mrs. Parker: [sing-song; Mrs. Parker dressed as a jester] You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! [both laugh mockingly]
Ralphie as Adult: Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his Peacemaker?!
[Mr. Parker accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.
Ralphie: Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "fudge." I said the word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.
Mr. Parker: [stunned] What did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um--
Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
[Ralphie gets into the car.]
Mrs. Parker: Everything go alright?
[Ralphie doesn't answer.]
Mr. Parker: [closes the trunk and checks his watch] Ah!
[Ralphie watches Mr. Parker gets into the car]
Mrs. Parker: 8 minutes.
Mr. Parker: You know what your son just said?
Mrs. Parker: No. What?
Mr. Parker: I'll tell you what he said. Randy?
[He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mrs. Parker's ear, and she screams in shock.]
Mrs. Parker: [shocked] RALPHIE!
[Scene switches to the bathroom where Ralphie is sitting on the toilet with a bar of soap in his mouth. Mrs. Parker is standing in front of him]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--
Ralphie: [disgusted] Yuck!
Mrs. Parker: You ready to tell me?
Ralphie: [mumbles and nods his head.]
Mrs. Parker: [removes soap from his mouth] All right. Where did you hear that word?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.
Ralphie: Schwartz!
Mrs. Parker: [angrily] Oh. I see. [puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth]
Ralphie: [screams with soap in his mouth]
Mrs. Parker: [dials Mrs. Schwartz] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
Mrs. Schwartz: [indistinguishable]
Mrs. Parker: No. He said... [inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word into the phone]
Mrs. Schwartz: [through phone] NO, NOT THAT!
Mrs. Parker: Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz: [through phone] Probably from his father.
Mrs. Parker: No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz: [through phone, angrily screaming] WHAT?! WHAAAT?! WHAAAAAT?! [She is heard in the background smacking Schwartz, and Mrs. Parker covers her mouth in shock.]
Schwartz: AAAAGH! WHAT'D I DO, MOM?! WHAT, I DIDN'T DO NOTHING! AAAGH! [Mrs. Parker winces as Schwartz screams and bawls in pain]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.
Mrs. Parker: [takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [angrily] W-- Don't you give me that look; you're gonna get it!
[During Ralphie's daydream where he has gone blind]
Mrs. Parker: Why, it's Ralph!
Mr. Parker: Well, come on in, Ralph. Where have you been?
Mrs. Parker: Why... he's carrying a cane!
Mr. Parker: What is it, Ralph? What happened?
Mrs. Parker: Why, he's... blind!
Mr. Parker: Blind? Oh, my God!
Randy: Ralphie!
Mrs. Parker: Ralph, is this something WE did?
Mr. Parker: What brought you to this lowly state?
Mrs. Parker: Ralph, please tell us, no matter how it hurts. What did we DO?
Ralphie: Look, I can't.
Mrs. Parker: Oh, please, Ralph.
Mr. Parker: Please.
Mrs. Parker: I must know what we did. What brought you to this?
Mr. Parker: Please.
Mrs. Parker: Please... Please?
Ralphie: It... it was...
Mrs. Parker: Yes? ...Yes?
Ralphie: Soap... poisoning!
[Mr. & Mrs. Parker begin wailing]
Mr. Parker: How could we do it?
Ralphie: Well, I'll manage to get along... somehow.
Mrs. Parker: I'll never forgive myself.
Ralphie: Thanks, Mom.
Mr. Parker: I told you not to use Lifebuoy! Oh, I feel awful!
Mr. Parker: [admiring Randy sleeping in the mess of gift wrap] My gosh, would you look at that mess? Who's going to clean the papers up?
Ralphie: Not me.
Mr. Parker: Oh, really? Randy did it last year.
Ralphie: Well, he can do it again.
Mr. Parker: You know, this wine ain't bad. You want a sip?
Ralphie: Yeah.
Mrs. Parker: No, you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?
Ralphie: Yeah, pretty nice.
Mr. Parker: Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?
Ralphie: [thinking about not getting the BB gun] Well, almost.
Mr. Parker: Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas.
Ralphie: Yep.
Mr. Parker: [feigns a surprised look] Hey. That's funny. What's that over there behind the desk?
Ralphie: Where?
Mr. Parker: Uh...behind the desk against the wall over there... Go check it out. Go on.
[Ralphie goes to the desk and pulls out a large present]
Mrs. Parker: What did we put over there, honey?
Mr. Parker: [stammers] Uh, Santa Claus probably put it.
Ralphie: [opens gift to see a Red Ryder BB gun] WOW!
[Mrs. Parker is not pleased at the sight of the BB gun]
Mr. Parker: [laughs] Do you know how to load it?
Ralphie: Yeah. [loads gun]
Mr. Parker: C-careful. They run all over. Close it up. Close it up.
Ralphie: [delighted] Can I...Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?
Mr. Parker: Sure.
Mrs. Parker: [reluctantly] Okay. But outside. Oh... I still say those things are dangerous. [Ralphie leaves] No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out! [looks at Mr. Parker, not pleased]
Mr. Parker: But...I had one when I was eight years old.
Mrs. Parker: What if he hurts himself? Ralphie, your coat! Don't shoot any animals or birds.
Mr. Parker: Except the Bumpuses' dogs!
Mrs. Parker: Oh, hush. Be careful, Ralphie!
Randy: [opening his biggest gift] Wow! Whoopee! A zeppelin!
Mr. Parker: [Almost as happy] A can of Simoniz.
Waiters in Chinese Restaurant: (singing) Deck the harrs with bows of horry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra! 'Tis the season to be jorry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra!
Lead waiter: (To waiters) No, no, no! Not ra ra ra ra ra, la la la la la. Sing like this: (singing) Deck the halls with boughs of holly / Fa la la la la la la la la. (Speaking) Try again.
Waiters: (Singing) Deck the harrs with bows of horry...
Lead waiter: No, no, no, stop! Sing something else.
Waiters: (Singing) Jingre Bears, Jingre Bears, Jingre Arr the Way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh
Lead waiter: No! Stop! Kitchen. Bring food. For customers.

Taglines

  • A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas...
  • Peace, Harmony, Comfort, And Joy... Maybe Next Year.
  • 'Tis Better To Give Than To Receive.

Cast

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