Joseph (1995 film)

[Disclaimer: A few days after posting this, a certain someone was worried about their privacy. It really doesn't matter since I only used his first name, but whatever. I have replaced their name with "Bob". This has got much more widespread than I originally intended. Hopefully some poor soul actually looking for stuff about the movie comes across this :)]

!!Warning: Content is not suitable for "Bob"!!

Soooo... Joseph gets a weird dream about how his brothers are gonna bow down to him. For some reason, he thinks it's a bright idea to tell his brothers about the dream (he's not particularly the smartest guy in the bunch). Needless to say, his brothers are pissed off and plan to murder him. They end up selling him into slavery instead. His master's wife tries to seduce him and, when he refuses, gets him thrown in prison. I would type out the rest of the plot, but I'm lazy and if I did it would take me way too long (almost as long as it will take for RFIS to get a pool :().

In case you haven't noticed, this movie isn't exactly PG. It's kinda like someone was thinking "Hey. I wonder what would happen if we took a fairly PG Bible story and added a bunch of nudity, incest, (almost) sex scenes, and (almost) lap dances." Yeaaaah... definitely not for children. Well, because I have nothing better to do I'll just list them out or something (I know I said I was lazy, but this part is fun).

So when Tamar doesn’t have a child, she does what every logical woman who wants kids does and becomes a prostisute. Lo and behold, her widower's father, Judah, shows up. You would think Judah would recognize Tamar (what with them having sex and what not) but noooo she remains disguised throughout the whole ordeal. So yea, "Bob"'s eyes should have been closed. I wasn't close enough to cover them. My bad.

Then Joseph gets a wife of whom he doesn't even know her name. It went a little something like this...

Joseph- "Yayyyy we're getting married. Wait what's your name"

Wife- "My name is Asenath"

Joseph- "Yayyyy I'm getting married to Asenath. Wait, what's my name"

Asenath- "[Some crap that sounds as if they're summoning a demon]"

Joseph- "Oh, cool"

Asenath- "Am I pleasing to you?"

Joseph- *awkward silence*

So that happens.

For as sexual as this movie is, you would think that you would see something happening between the two, but no. Instead, the babies just pop into existence. Because that's how babies are made. Obviously.

So a few years pass and Joseph's wife and kids are bathing. Apparently a six year old's naked butt is unfathomably scarring for "Bob". Again, I didn't cover his eyes in time. My bad. So he and his wife are talking. Probably not the best idea to show this to a bunch of high schoolers. Nothing super revealing, but the camera's proximity to female breasts was definitely too much for "Bob". I managed to cover his eyes this time tho :). She then steps out into a towel Joseph is holding up (pretty much all the guys were screaming and I think "Bob" died a little inside).

After this they head off to their bedroom (was it their bedroom? I don't really remember). She's lying on top of him in just a towel and they're talking. The classroom is in chaos. The scene is quite uneventful tho.

By and large, this movie seems more like a really bad chick flick than anything else. I hope the director (Roger Young as the case may be) is aware that he has permanently scarred a little boy in Africa. "Bob" will never be the same. RIP.

• Directed by Roger Young
• Teleplay by Lionel Chetwynd
  • based on the novel by James Carrington
• Produced by Lorenzo Minoli and Gerald Rafshoon
• Music by Marco Frisina and Ennio Morricone
• Director of Photography Raffaele Mertes
• Film Editor: Benjamin A. Weissman, ACE
• Costumes by Enrico Sabbatini

• Emmy Award
  • Outstanding Miniseries
• Emmy Award nominations
  • Art Direction
  • Casting
  • Sound Editing
  • Supporting Actor: Ben Kingsley
• Writers Guild of America nomination
  • Lionel Chetwynd

• List of films featuring slavery
• List of historical period drama films and series set in Near Eastern and Western civilization

• Joseph on IMDb