Zoolander is a 2002 comedy about a clueless fashion model, at the end of his career, who is brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Based on a pair of short films, produced and directed by Ben Stiller for the VH1 Fashion Awards television show in 1996.

Directed by Ben Stiller. Written by Drake Sather, Ben Stiller and John Hamburg.

Derek Zoolander

  • Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?
  • At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking.
  • Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game!
  • Maybe there's more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking?
  • Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we, too, can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Hansel McDonald

  • I hear a lot of words like "beauty" and "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features." To me, that's like a vanity that - a self-absorption that I try to steer clear of. I dig the bungee. I mean, for me, it's just the way I live my life. I grip it, and I rip it. I live with a lot of flair. I live it on the edge, where I gotta be. I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in, uh, what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music that he's created over the years. I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Jacobim Mugatu

  • Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.
  • It's that damn Hansel – He's so hot right now!
  • Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. [To the Malaysian Prime Minister] DIE YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!
  • Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte!?
  • Obey my dog!
  • He better be here because I'm a hot little potato right now!
  • Do as you've trained to do... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!

Others

  • Steve Kmetko: Oh, you hate to see something like that at an event like this: ugly protesters bothering beautiful people.

Dialogue

Olaf: Cool story, Hansel.
Hansel: Thanks, Olaf.
Matilda: I became...
Hansel: What?
Matilda: Bulimic.
Zoolander: You can read minds?
Derek Zoolander: What is this? [smashes the model for the reading center] A center for ants?
Mugatu: What?
Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...
Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
Mugatu: He's absolutely right you know.
[Assistant Todd makes shocked face]
Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair?
Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? Mmmhahaha!
Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
Meekus: Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay I knew that!
Meekus: Uh earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke! Ahaha!
Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
Meekus: Uh Earth to Brint...
Derek Zoolander: Would you guys stop it already?
Brint: You know what would help you sort through these important issues?
Derek Zoolander: What?
Brint, Meekus, and Rufus: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!
Brint, Meekus and Rufus and playfully having a water fight with hoses to the tune of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham. They then start to unhinge pumps from a gas station and squirt each other with gasoline.
Derek Zoolander: What are they doing?
Derek, in a rare moment of using his brain, realizes gasoline is a dangerous substance
Derek Zoolander: Guys, NO!
Zoolander's attempt is too late as a man lights cigarette, causing the gasoline to ignite, killing his three best friends
Discouraged from the death of his friends, Derek quits modeling and goes into his father's line of work; coal mining. After an onerous day the Zoolander family goes to a rustic bar
Derek Zoolander I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. [coughing] It's not very well-ventilated down there.
Mr. Zoolander: For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.:'


The arguement escalates, about why Derek became a model. It hits it's zenith when Derek apears in a ridiculous advert dressed as a mermaid.
Mr. Zoolander: Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out? You're dead to me boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man! [high-pitched cough] Mer-man!
Derek learns that he is being used by Mugatu in order to be brainwashed to murder the Prime Minister of Malaysia
J.P. Prewitt: The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years and behind every hit, a card-carrying male model.
Matilda: Okay, that is impossible.
J.P. Prewitt: Oh yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the powdered wigs and silk stockings worn by our country's early leaders?
Derek Zoolander: Mugatu?
J.P. Prewitt: Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, the prices on such items would've gone up tenfold. So the powers-that-be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas. 1963. Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba, ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured Sansabelt slacks. An incredibly popular item at the time.
Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model!
J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy across the grassy knoll sure as shit were!
Maury: What do we do when we fall off the horse?
[Derek looks puzzled and begins to mouth the words to himself]
Maury: (slowly) We get back on.
Derek: I'm sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.
Derek Zoolander: One look? One look?! I don't think so! [Rushes to in front of the Malaysan Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp]
Hansel: There it is!
Todd: MAGNUM!
Larry Zoolander: [Watching on TV] Holy moley!
Maury: Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waiting for!
Mugatu: Dear God...it's beautiful! [The "Magnum" look causes Mugatu's throwing star to stop and then drop]

Cast

External links


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