May 9

Vince McMahon: Now, I understand, that there are a number of you... [hears "Asshole!" chants] I understand that there are a number of you... I understand that... I understand that some of you feel as though that the McMahon-Helmsley Faction, last Monday on RAW, just wasn't fair to Chris Jericho. I understand that many of you feel as though, since the McMahon-Helmsley Faction made Chris Jericho compete on three different occasions, defending the Intercontinental title until he lost it, that it just wasn't fair. Well, that's just too damn bad. Because, if you don't think it was fair Monday, you're probably the same kind of people who wait in line, you wait forever in line, like sheep all lined up, you wait in line, waiting your turn, and then you'll see someone like myself, very aggressively cut in the front of the line, and you'll say, "Wait a minute! That's not fair!" And what about the parking lot, we've all been there. There you are, patiently waiting for your little parking space, and it suddenly appears, you start driving your car - Oop! Someone zips in, cuts you off, parks their car, and you say "Wait a minute! That's MY parking space, that's not fair!" What about, what about on those few occasions, when you will honestly and objectively, look into the full-length mirror? [senses reactions] Alright, now we're getting somewhere. And you women, look into the mirror, and you look at yourselves, and you say "Ewwww, eeeeh. Look at the cellulite hanging from my hips and my buttocks! That's not fair!" And you men, you men won't come close to the mirror! But on that occasion where you might take a quick glimpse, you say "Oh, That can't be me. No, that can't be me with the pot belly, and the small genitalia! Oh no, that's not fair!" And you look at yourselves. Go ahead, look at yourselves! Look at the person sitting next to you, yeah, look at ‘em! Look at the person sitting in front of you! Go ahead, look at all of you! You look at yourselves, and you compare yourselves to the beautiful people here in this ring, and you say "THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And, forget about the looks, what about [makes money gesture] the money, huh? What about the money?! Uh-huh! You scrimp and you save, you work yourselves half to death, and still, you can't afford what you really want? "That's not fair!" It's not fair that some people are rich and you're not! "That's not fair!" And you know, you have to face the facts, that the vast majority of you are just born with inferior DNA. And you say "It's not fair I'm born with inferior DNA!" but you feel sorry for yourselves, you wallow in your self-pity, and then you have to face the facts, that life is... not... fair. And some of you, a select few, you might as well go ahead and admit it, you might as well own up to the philosophy, for some of you, and that is that - Life sucks, and then you die!!

November 20

Kane: I came here tonight to give a eulogy for my brother, the Undertaker, the man that I buried alive at Survivor Series. But I can't do that. The truth is, the man that we knew as the Undertaker, has been dead for a long time. My brother and I used to share a common bond, we were monsters, we lived to strike fear into the hearts of normal men, THAT was who we were. But my brother, the Undertaker, committed the most unpardonable of all sins: He betrayed himself. He became one of you. I know, I watched as he showed compassion and defended Stephanie McMahon. I watched as he showed weakness in losing to Brock Lesnar. This man was not my brother. This man was not a monster. A monster shows no compassion. A monster has no weaknesses. My brother was nothing but a FRAUD. When I stopped that, I took this impostor, I buried him alive... and I enjoyed it. As I look around all I see is a mass of pathetic insects that I can destroy any time I wanted. But at least you people are true your nature. My brother was not. But thanks to me, you will never have to see his pathetic carcass again. This so called 'Deadman' was dead and buried long before Survivor Series. So all I have to say... is rest in peace, my brother. Rest in peace!

July 22

Kurt Angle: There has been a lot of talk about my actions last week on Smackdown. I have been called a liar, a con artist, and quite frankly, it hurts because you people have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I'm an extraordinary human being capable of doing extraordinary things. In case you forgot, I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken neck. And last week, when I saw Eddie Guerrero, who I despise, who brings shame and disgrace to this company, who was about to regain the WWE Championship, I sucked it up, set aside my pain, and did what I had to do to make sure it didn't happen. I did the impossible. Do I believe in miracles? Yes, I do. And sure, afterwards, I regressed, my doctors told me that my actions enabled me to further damage my knee. My therapists told me that I risked permanent paralysis. But, it was worth it. It was worth it for the greater good, to maintain Kurt Angle's Smackdown. Where men are rewarded by morality. Where men, like John Cena, are stripped of the U.S. Championship. Where men, like John "Bradshaw" Layfield, stand tall as the WWE Champion. A Smackdown where Eddie Guerrero becomes obsolete. That's right, Eddie! [hears "Eddie" chants] You see, Eddie Guerrero, what he did was wrong. But, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give Eddie Guerrero a chance tonight to keep his job because what he did, I could fire Eddie on the spot. But, I'm a decent man, so I'm not gonna do that. But, there's one thing that Eddie Guerrero has to do. He has to come out here and he has to convince me to keep his job, provided that he begs for it. If Eddie Guerrero gets on his knees and begs in front of me for his job back, I promise, as general manager of Smackdown, I will let him keep his job. But, it's got to be good and it's got to be sincere. And I'll show you what I'm talking about.[Turns to Tony Chimel] Tony, would you come in the ring? And bring your microphone.

[Tony Chimel enters the ring]

Kurt Angle: In case you don't know who this man is, this is our ring announcer and Philadelphia's own, Tony Chimel. [audience cheers] Mr. Chimel is a great significance to me because he was the ring announcer at my last match, Wrestlemania XX. The match where Eddie Guerrero cheated to win. And the last image that keeps going over and over and over and over again in my head is Tony Chimel, with a smile on his face, announcing, "And the winner is Eddie Guerrero!" Now, Mr. Chimel, in case you didn't know, when you cheat, you don't win which makes you a liar. And in my book, that's immediate grounds for dismissal. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you saying I'm a liar? Is that what you're saying? No? I'll tell you what, Tony Chimel. I could fire you on the spot. But, I'll tell you what. If you can convince me to keep your job, I'll let you have your job. Go ahead.

Tony Chimel: Kurt, I...

Kurt Angle: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Knees. On your knees.

Tony Chimel: [getting on his knees] Mr. Angle, I sincerely apologize if I offended you in any way. Please, just let me keep my job. Please.

Kurt Angle: Are you kidding me? You call that begging? Say it like you mean it!

Tony Chimel: Mr. Angle, please. Please, I have a wife and three kids. I just... just wanna have my job, please.

Kurt Angle: All right, all right, all right. That was good. Much better. Actually, that was really good, but not good enough. Tony Chimel, YOU'RE FIRED! [audience boos] NOW, GET OUT OF MY RING! GO, NOW!

[Tony Chimel leaves the ring]

Kurt Angle: I'm sorry, but Tony Chimel's not a very good beggar. But, don't worry, people, because someone will be begging for their job tonight. And that man is Eddie Guerrero.

Funaki: This is Funaki, Smackdown number one announcer! Tonight, I'm here Kurt Angle's office reporting on the very special announcement. Okay, Kurt.

Kurt Angle: Excuse me, if you're done butchering my language, I brought you in here because finally, there's someone here on Smackdown, a superstar that I can be proud of, and his name is Booker T. Booker, will you please join me? [Booker T enters] Now, Book, you're everything I want in a superstar here on Smackdown. You're professional, you're a sharp dresser, and nothing would make me prouder than to present you with the United States Championship. [showing the United States Championship belt]

Tazz: Wow.

Booker T: You're kidding me, right?

Kurt Angle: No. [lifting Funaki's arm]

Booker T: You for real, dawg?

Kurt Angle: Oh, yeah.

Booker T: You talking about making me, Booker T, the United States champion tonight? That's what you're saying, man.

[Booker T tries to take the belt]

Kurt Angle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Yes and no. Now, now, listen, Book.

Booker T: Come on, man.

Kurt Angle: Technically, I can't do it just yet, but immediately after the show, I'm gonna have a meeting with the members of the board, and by next week, you'll be the new United States champion. But tonight, just for old time sakes, I'm gonna let you hold the title.

Booker T: You're letting me hold the title?

Kurt Angle: Oh, it's true.

[Kurt Angle gives Booker T the United States Championship belt]

Booker T: Hey, I appreciate that, Kurt Angle. [Kurt Angle applauds] Thank you, man.

[Booker T shakes Kurt Angle's hand]:

Kurt Angle: You are welcome. You are welcome.

Booker T: I'm outta here, dawg.

[Booker T leaves the office]

Funaki: Hey, Mr. Angle, that's not fair! That's not fair!

Kurt Angle: Not fair? You're telling me it's not fair? I'll tell you what's not fair. The fact that you're a broadcast journalist and you can't even say "broadcast journalist". Go ahead, try and say it.

Funaki: I'm a Smackdown...

Kurt Angle: No, no, no, no, no, no! Not number one announcer, say "broadcast journalist".

[Funaki struggles to say "broadcast journalist" then Kurt Angle grabs the microphone]

Kurt Angle: You know what? You're a disgrace to this microphone. You're a disgrace to my Smackdown. And, Funaki, I'll tell you what's fair, YOU'RE FIRED! [takes Funaki's microphone] Now. get out! What are you doing? Get out of my office!

[Funaki leaves the office]

Kurt Angle: Unfair?

Kurt Angle: Ladies, before you begin, there's something I need to say. Now, I've taken a heart, the fact that you feel overlooked and underutilized and I have to say there's been a major misunderstanding. See, you say that you've been underutilized. Well, I say that you're plain useless. I mean, what purpose do you serve? Wrestling in your lingerie? Nobody wants to see that! What was I thinking? So, ladies, I'm gonna spare you the indignity of wrestling in your underwear or begging for your jobs because, as of now, you no longer have jobs. Ladies, the four of you... ARE FIRED!

March 10

JBL: Every single week! Every single week, we have done something so freakin' awesome that we have to come out here and let you relish in our greatness! And this week is certainly no different. I never get tired of this. This week, we're gonna celebrate a man who exemplifies what the Cabinet stands for: greatness, dignity, courage, respect. A man who, last week, single handedly, by himself, one-on-one, mano y mano destroyed John Cena! That man is your United States Champion, the greatest athlete in SmackDown! history, Mr. Orlando Jordan!

Crowd: [chanting] CENA!

Michael Cole: The "Cena" chants begin.

JBL: I understand Virginia is a little backward, but you're chanting for the loser. Chant the winner's name, OJ. You see, because there's a lot about OJ you don't know. OJ grew up with many brothers and many sisters. OJ grew up in the inner city. OJ realized at a young age that he could be like you people out here and that he could be paying to see me. OJ didn't want that, so he did the right thing. He turned his back on his family. He turned his back on his inner city. He wanted greatness in his life, and here he stands right now, your United States Champion, with you people out there, him in here! And tonight, you will see that greatness has no bounds. Tonight, you will see all the gold come to the Cabinet. You see, I'm a wrestling god, and gods must be adorned with gold. So tonight, Rey Mysterio, you and Eddie Guerrero... tonight, you will face the Cabinet. And tonight, you will see why we are successful and you are not, because we hold ourselves to a standard that you cannot possibly fathom! We hold ourselves to a standard that is so high, most of you never see it. Tonight, you will realize what is class and what is not, and why common people never stand here with championships.[Turns to Orlando Jordan] What is that thing you're carrying?

Orlando Jordan: Why, JBL, I believe this is what John Cena used to call [spins the plate on the belt] his United States Championship title.

JBL: Looks to me like some little bling-bling sideshow, like a hubcap that these kids, instead of putting money in their education, put on their cars. That, I find disgusting. That, for the time-honored tradition of sports entertainment, must be destroyed. The Bashams, the Secretaries of Defense, would you please do me a favor and get the trash can and the stairs, please?

[The Bashams bring the top half of the ringside steps into the ring and place a trash can in front of it]

Michael: "Trash can and stairs"? What's going on?

JBL: You people are about to understand why it is sometimes good for America that the rich keep the common down.

Michael: Bashams brought stairs in the... now there's a trash can.

JBL: That belt right there is everything I find reprehensible, everything I hate about John Cena! He has taken a time-honored tradition like the United States Championship and he has made it into a sideshow freak ride! For that, that must be destroyed, just like at WrestleMania, John Cena will not only be destroyed but he will bow at the feet of greatness! John Cena talks about street cred? I own the damn street! [Orlando hands the belt to JBL, who lays it into the trash can and takes a remote from Danny Basham] Just like your career, Cena...[JBL turns one switch on the remote] up...in...smoke.

[He turns the second switch, which triggers an explosion inside the trash can]

Tazz: WHOA!

Michael: You've gotta be kidding me. Cena's championship was in there.

JBL: Orlando, that piece of trash was destroyed. I had something flown in from WWE Headquarters, the WWE Vault, worthy of you. [Doug Basham holds out a briefcase, which JBL opens and takes out the traditional United States Championship] Ladies and gentlemen, to a great American. To a man with class, something with class. The greatest athlete in SmackDown! history. [He hands the title over to Orlando] Give it up for Orlando Jordan, your United States Champion! [Orlando and JBL stand on the steps hoisting their respective titles high] Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your United States Champion, Orlando Jordan, your future Tag Team Champions, and the WWE Heavyweight Champion, John "Bradshaw" Layfield!

January 20

Daivari: Well, I told you what was going to happen out here. You'll be screwed up. But Kurt, I should have said, you were the one that was going to get screwed. I am now the manager of the World's Strongest Man, and the next World Heavyweight Champion, Mark Henry.

Michael Cole: What?

Tazz: What the hell is going on here? Daivari's Henry's manager?

Michael Cole: Oh my God.

Tazz: I never saw this coming. Did Angle get double-crossed here? Is Daivari managing Mark Henry?

Michael Cole: I'd love to know what the hell happened, but the bottom line is that Daivari is managing Mark Henry.

August 4

[Chavo Guerrero appears.]

Michael Cole: I can't wait to hear this. Nothing this man can say will convince me what he did to Rey Mysterio in the past two weeks was right.

JBL: Where's your objectivity?

Tony Chimel: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Chavo Guerrero.

JBL: And why are you surprised? Why does Kasparov play chess? It's in his DNA. It's in Chavo's DNA to be a Guerrero. I've known three generations of Guerreros; you cannot trust a Guerrero. Lie, cheat and steal, remember Michael?

Michael Cole: Oh yeah, I remember. That's the Guerrero motto.

JBL: Don't look down on it.

Michael Cole: Eddie Guerrero made that phrase famous.

JBL: And this is his nephew.

Chavo Guerrero: People want to know why I screwed Rey Mysterio, why I betrayed Rey Mysterio. But first, I want to know: what is betrayal? Is betrayal stealing from another man? Is betrayal stealing his name from him? Stealing his blood? Because that's what Rey Mysterio did to me, did to my whole family, the Guerrero family. What? You don't believe me? You don't believe that Rey Mysterio is a thief? Let me tell you what he stole from me. I grew up with Eddie Guerrero. We were like brothers. We used to lie, cheat, and steal together. When Eddie passed away, we all felt it. We all felt it, we were all devastated. I retired from wrestling, I walked away from wrestling. But did Rey Mysterio? Noooo. He used the Guerrero name, Eddie's name. It seemed like every other match, Rey was dedicating the match to Eddie's memory. Royal Rumble, No Way Out, even at WrestleMania. Every five minutes, he was mentioning Eddie's name, very, very convenient. And when Rey won the World Heavyweight Championship, it got even worse. Rey, you couldn't stand on your own, Rey, you couldn't keep the title on your own. What did you do? You used another Guerrero—me. Rey, I saved you from losing the title to JBL. I saved you from losing the title to Mark Henry. I saved you over and over and over again. But you decided to stand here in the middle of this ring and take all the glory, and use Eddie's spotlight and Eddie's name that all of you chanted to him. At The Great American Bash, I couldn't take it anymore. And that's when I realized that, Rey Mysterio, you didn't just steal Eddie from me, you didn't just steal Eddie from the Guerrero family, you stole the memory of Eddie from each and every one of these people out here, from you [points to one person in the audience], from you [points to another person in the audience]. People ask me why I did what I did. Because Rey Mysterio, you're nothing but a leech, living off the blood of the Guerrero name.

[Rey Mysterio appears. Rey and Chavo fought each other until Vickie Guerrero appears and separates them.]

November 2

[Hornswoggle attacks Jonathon Coachman.]

JBL: Referees don't do that.

Michael Cole: Well, when you're a McMahon, you can do whatever you want to do, right?

JBL: Oh, that's a good point.

May 25

Big Show: Now, the Monday before Over the Limit, I was fired. Now, a lot of you people know what that's like, but I've never been fired before. So, like most of you, I wasn't too proud to beg for my job. But, see, the difference between me and those of you that have been fired, you don't love what you do. It's just a job. I love what I do. I'm a 7-foot 440-pound giant that loves dominating people. Now, when I lost my dream job, I didn't know what to do. I had no visible means of supporting my family. I became very despondent. I couldn't speak. I couldn't eat. I could barely breathe. I felt betrayed. I felt betrayed by all my so-called friends in and out of the ring. I felt betrayed by each and every one of you. Not one of you! [audience boos] Oh, yeah. Not one of you. Not one of the superstars in the locker room. Not one member of our production or technical crew came to my defense. After all the years and all the things I've done, that's what I get? [hears "You sold out!" chants] I sold out. Is that it? I did not sell out. No, I did not sell out. After everything that I had done for you people, this is the thanks I get. I realized, at that very moment, I realized I have no friends. I realized that I am alone in this world. And then... then, I got the call. Let me ask you. When you're drowning, do you really care where the lifeline comes from? [hears "Cena" chants] So, I made a deal. If I help John Laurinaitis defeat John Cena, I got my life back. I got a new contract and a big fat bonus. All Laurinaitis had to do was, at some point during the match, escape from John Cena and it was set. I would drag Laurinaitis back to the ring like I wanted revenge. It was just a ruse for John Cena. When I threw Laurinaitis to Cena, I knew exactly what was going to happen next. With one punch, I knocked John Cena out cold. Then, I watched Laurinaitis pin John Cena for the 1-2-3. And at No Way Out, I'm gonna do it again. You see, I understand now. You people... you people really never cared about me. Never. Well, now, I damn sure don't care about you.