None Down, Eighteen To Go [1.01-1.02]

French Is An Eiffel Language [1.03]

Kitty: Emma's always been the serious one, but ever since her boyfriend Jake broke up with her two years ago she's been super-

Emma: [covers her sister's mouth] Fine. I've been super fine.

Ennui: This place could be an amusement park or a camp for kids.

Don: The Louvre: home to many paintings I was asked to stop touching.

Mediterranean Homesick Blues [1.04]

Miles: I'm totally scratching sharks off my preservation list.

Bjorken Telephone [1.05]

Ennui: I'm so excited. First place. Wow. I could pee myself.

Crimson: [briefly looks down] You just did.

Taylor: Way to go, Mom! I sat around waiting for you so long my butt fell asleep. And now we get a penalty? You ruined my life.

Laurie: [to Dwayne; angrily] THE GODDESS OF KARMA WILL GET YOU FOR THIS!!! [interview] I don't normally allow myself to experience negative emotions, but I'm sure my aura is very purple right now.

Dwayne: Not the first time I've been cursed. Luckily, I don't believe in goddesses or karma, so I think we're all good.

Don: Well, my little meat-eating vegans. You are the last team to arrive.

Laurie: [sobs] So many animals. I just ate so many animals!

[Miles takes out a bucket to puke in]

Don: But this is a non-elimination round! You get to stay!

Laurie: [shocked gasp] I ate animals for NOTHING?! [furiously attacks Don]

Brazilian Pain Forest [1.06]

Don: The first eight teams take a direct flight, the last seven will arrive two hours later 'cause they're on the milk run. [Animals make noises and sounds from inside] Literally.

Laurie: I ate the sheep's head so we could stay in the game! But the non-elimination meant I didn't have to. [breaks down full of guilt] I DIDN'T HAVE TO!!

Miles: [smacks Laurie in the face] Okay, you need to calm down. What happens in Iceland, stays in Iceland, okay?

Laurie: [sighs and her breath scent almost made Miles barf] What? What?!

Miles: I'm sorry, it's just that your... breath smells like sheep head. DOES ANYONE HAVE A MINT?!

Kitty: Bullet ants?

Emma: Little known fact- the pain caused by their venom can last 24 hours.

Kitty: Oh, great.

Mickey: I've been bitten by venomous creatures so often, I've developed an immunity! Last year on a school trip to Seaville, a box jellyfish sat on my head like a hat! [He and Jay try to high five but they miss] We don't high five much, it's pretty new to us. [Jay accidentally smacks him and he bumps into Laurie as her face falls into the mitt] I am so sorry!

Laurie: No, no. I-I deserve that.

[The Vegans swing across on a vine]

Laurie: [screams] The wind hurts my face! [She and Miles then slam into the other side of the gorge's wall] Now the cliff hurts my face!

Jacques: So, what happened to me, again?

Josee: A baboon swung down and threw a coconut at you!

Miles: I'm gonna use some of my winnings to starts a support group called, the "Closet Vegan Society". For vegans like Laurie who have lost their way.

Laurie: Hey, I didn't want to eat the meat. I thought I had to.

Miles: Did you have to lick the plate?

Laurie: I thought what happens in Iceland STAYS in Iceland!

Crimson: Bright colors are for people who are trying to make up for the fact that they lead sad, monotonous lives.

Ennui: Yeah.

Miles: I had to take control of the team if we had any chance of finishing the challenge today. Laurie can hardly see because those mean ants turned her face into raw meat.

Laurie: Mmm!

Miles: Uh, I'm sorry. What was a yummy sound?

[The Vegans are the first t reach the Chill Zone]

Laurie: Yes! Yes! From last place to first in one day!

Miles: We deserve it.

Don: No. You deserve a 30 minute penalty, which you're getting.

Miles: Why?! We won fair and square!

Don: Each one of you were supposed to make a component of the costume, but Miles made both of yours.

Don: Well, tofu break, ladies. You've been cut from the race. Maybe you can get a job at a tempeh agency. Soy long.

Miles: All our plans for the money.

Miles: That millions dollars would've helped so many causes.

Laurie: I know. And I ate meat. [sobs]

Miles: Your heart was in the right place. Not the one you ate, I mean, your heart. The one inside you. Like as they're both inside you. But, I mean the-

Laurie: Please. Stop talking.

A Tisket, A Casket, I'm Gonna Blow A Gasket [1.07]

Crimson: Why do I have this strange feeling?

Ennui: I fear it might be... happiness.

Carrie: So, you do a fashion blog? That is so cool! Which one of you guys started it?

Tom & Jen: I did.

Tom: No. I did.

Jen: I did.

Tom & Jen: I did. I did!

Don: [to the Goths] You're in sixth place. Or you would be in sixth place if you hadn't broken the rules with the coffin. 10 minute penalty!

Crimson: Totally worth it.

Hawaiian Honeyruin [1.08]

Don: Hawaii! Home of beautiful sunshine, ukeleles, and shirts that should only be worn ironically.

Hello and Dubai [1.09]

Noah: The seat belt sign is on, but why bother. [reveals Owen sitting on him]

Mickey: H-h-how much longer is this flight?!

Taylor: We're still on the ground, you babies!

New Beijinging [1.10]

Don: Well it's right here, in Beijing, China! Home to 25,000,000 people. Oddly enough, we see none of them!

Josee: That's Jacques for you. Always trailing behind. But still, he's an asset to the team.

Stephanie: Ha. You're lame cooking couldn't slow me down.

Ryan: Whoo, baby! Cockroach breath! [snickers]

[Emma barfs in Carrie's own bucket]

Carrie: That's my bucket!

Kitty: [to Noah] Dude, you are so bad at this.

[Noah sighs depressingly]

Stephanie: Stop hitting every bump on PURPOSE! [starts to barf]

I Love Ridonc And Roll [1.11]

Ryan: You gonna tell me what it says?

Stephanie: You gonna let me read it?

Stephanie: [reading the tip] "Fly to Oulu, Finland."

Owen and MacArthur: Finland?

Devin: Crimson? Wow! Your skin is so flesh-colored.

Carrie: I love your hair.

Crimson: You're throwing a lot of positive emotions my way, and I don't know what to do with that.

Spud: There's a lesson I've learned again and again: If it sounds like a bad idea, looks like a bad idea, and requires a dare to do it, it's gonna be craaazy!

MacArthur: We're allowed to fart? Why didn't anyone tell me?!

Don: Twins, you've raced hard. And overcame a lot of issues no one has ever heard of. But, I'm sorry. You're out.

Jay: We gathered that.

My Way Or Zimbabwe [1.12]

Jacques: YOU NEED TO FLY THIS THING FASTER!!!

Flight Captain: You're not allowed in here!

Josee: [smugly] Ah, do you know who we are?

Flight Captain: [smugly grins] Aren't you those figure skaters who lost the gold at the Olympics?

Jacques: [beat]...JUST FLY FASTER!!!

Shawshank Ridonc-Tion [1.13]

Emma: Number 1 or number 2?

Owen: 2! But it had the consistency of...

Stepbrothers: [farther up ahead] Number 1!

Down and Outback [1.14]

Ennui: I never want to see any of those fluffy balls of lame again.

Crimson: It's weird, though. How could something so cute destroy a whole continent?

Ennui: They're like a plague. A happy, hopping wave of famine ... and ... death. [turns around and spots a black bunny peeking out from the bag. Ennui's eyes slightly widen.]

[Don congratulating Josee and Jacques on skill and good sportsmanship]

Ice Dancers: What?

Don: Kidding. Your win is highly suspect. I just don't care enough to look into it.

Maori Or Less [1.15]

Don: Who's next to go? Will it be Mother & Son?

Dwayne: Hey!

Little Bull On The Prairie [1.16]

Stephanie: I'm not usually a picky eater, but beans are the grossest food on the planet and should never be consumed by human beings, ever. That's it.

Ryan: [clears throat] Chicken,

Stephanie: What was that?

[MacArthur's reaction to the bean eating challenge]

MacArthur: A disgusting amount of pork and beans? FOR FREE?! [hogs it all for herself]

Lord of The Ring Toss [1.17]

[Ennui flawlessly putting a ring on a narwhal by simply holding it out.]

Ennui: Okay, that was pure luck, but we don't have to tell them that.

MacArthur: I used to hate mammals. But this narwhal is pretty cool.

Sanders: Uh, we're mammals.

MacArthur: I know.

Got Venom [1.18]

Don: [sees narwhals popping tires of one cargo plane] ...Uh, apparently, the narwhals are still upset about our ring toss game. Anyway, same idea, but with two planes- [sees narwhals popping tires of the second cargo plane] EVERYONE ON THE LAST PLANE! RIGHT NOW! GO! MOVE! MOVE! HURRY!

Emma: If I could find you, I'd totally kiss you!

Noah: [pops up energetically] HERE I AM!!!

Owen: Aww, where was that energy a minute ago?!

Dude Buggies [1.19]

Jacques: Oh, Josee! Are you losing it?! They're GOTHS, not vampires!!

Josee: Are they, Jacques? Are they?!

Brody: Let's do that again!

Geoff: Dude.

Brody: Duuude!

Geoff: Duuuuuude.

Brody: [Beat, sighs] Good point...

El Bunny Supremo [1.20]

Ca-Noodling [1.21]

[Josee and Jacques are proud of how they managed to get the Goths eliminated.]

Josee: Second place. Again!

Jacques: But at least I got another team eliminated.

Josee: That's true. We did. It's like we won a gold medal in treachery!

Don: See what I did there? That's TV fishing. Gave ya some line and a little hope and then yanked it away! It's gonna look great and all this explaining will be edited out. Cool, huh?

Geoff: Bummer, dude...

Don: Some people just don't get show business.

How Deep Is Your Love? [1.22]

Sanders: This alliance is not a friendship.

MacArthur: Got that right. It's just an agreement to work with people we hate.

Josee: JUST CLOSE THE DOORS ALREADY!!!

Darjeel With It [1.23]

Josee: Well, fine! This round is every team for itself! Which means, in case you didn't figure it out, that you two are in our cross-target... thingies... a bullseye on the... we're coming for you two, now get ready!

[Josee doesn't seem to think she's at fault for cheating.]

Josee: What does Don have against us? Are we too talented, too attractive, too all-of-the-above?

Last Tango In Buenos Aires [1.24]

Bahamarama [1.25]

Geoff: This is insanity, bro! We're heading to the finale in first place!

Brody: Whoa, we should get, like, a 'most improved award' or something.

A Million Ways To Lose A Million Dollars [1.26]

Don: [last lines] Yes. Throw all your money on the ground. Very smart. That's all for now, we hope we enjoyed our incredible race around the world. Be sure to keep an eye out for more of The Ridonculous Race.