For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

The Simpsons Season 4 [9/24/1992-5/13/1993]

Kamp Krusty

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?

Dolph: Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

Homer: [thinking] Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.[camera shows Bart]

Homer: D'oh! [His hair falls off and stomach expands]

Mr. Black: [Raising a toast with the bullies] Gentlemen, to evil!

Bart: I'm not worried, Lis. You know why? Because of this. [wipes wall to reveal a "Krusty Brand seal of approval" emblem] The Krusty Brand seal of approval. You can only find it on products that meet the high personal standards of Krusty the Clown.

[Cut to Krusty's product testing room, Krusty is looking at a clock made in his likeness. He decides to touch the head of the clock]

Krusty: OW!!

Technician: Sorry, I forgot to tell you, this clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in.

Krusty: Eh, that's okay. All this stuff is fine. [camera pans to show a bunch of dangerous products using Krusty's image] Now I'm off to Wimbledon!

Mr. Black: Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery, and turned it into a summer wonderland: Mr. Krusty the Clown!

Bart: [half-crazed] See? I told you Krusty would come! Just like I said! [laughs maniacally] He's gonna bring us food, and water, and smite our enemies!

[Instead of the real Krusty, it's a disheveled and crudely disguised Barney Gumble.]

Mr. Black: Now, I must tell you kids Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back, so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.

Milhouse: Krusty looks fat!

Lisa: He's really having trouble keeping his balance!

Ralph: He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny!

Bart: [angry] That's not Krusty the Clown!!

[The other kids gasp.]

Mr. Black: Well, what do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? [laughs nervously]

Barney: Yeah, Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown! [belches]

Bart: Alright that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before, I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight and Krustys autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, HE'S GONE TO FAR!!! WE WANT KRUSTY!

[The rest of the children join in on the "We Want Krusty" chant]

Barney: [Stamping his feet] Yeah we want Crunchy! We want Crunchy!

Mr. Black: [To Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney] I thought you said you broke their spirits!

Jimbo: We did

Mr. Black: [Slaps Jimbo] You broke nothing!

Bart: Let's get ém!

Mr. Black: [To Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney] To the hydrofoil [[Shoves them and they run off]

[Krusty has arrived at the camp to deal with the Bart-led riot]

Bart: How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.

Krusty: [crying] They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone!

Bart: Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!

Krusty: OH MY GOD!! [sobs]

Bart: Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.

Krusty: Was it a nice hat?

Bart: Oh, yeah!

Krusty: OH MY GOD!! [continues sobbing]

A Streetcar Named Marge

Llewelyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.

Marge: Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.

Chief Quimby: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

Llewelyn Sinclair: Quiet!

Chief Quimby: Sorry.

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Bart: Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?

Marge: I don't think so.

Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?

Marge: [sighs] No, Homer.

Homer the Heretic

[God appears in Homer's dream, ripping the roof off his house.]

Homer: God ...?

God: [points finger at Homer] Thou hast forsaken my church!

Homer: Well, kind of, but –

God: But what?

Homer: I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

God: Hmm, you have a good point there. Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team?

Homer: No, they moved to Phoenix.

God: Oh, yeah.

Homer: You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.

God: I couldn't agree more, that Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.

Homer: Give him one for me.

God: I will.

Homer: So I figure I should just try to live right and worship you in my own way.

God: Homer, it's a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.

[After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]

Homer: The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.

Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ... miscellaneous.

Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.

Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Homer: I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.

Marge: Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Lisa the Beauty Queen

Lisa: [despondent] I'm an ugmo!

Homer: Now, that's not true! You're as cute as a bug's ear.

Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff. [Grampa walks by]

Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?

Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt! [walks off]

Homer: There, see?

Kent Brockman: But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."

[Homer and Lisa watch at home.]

Homer: If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.

Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?

Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?

Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.

Homer: Really?

Lisa: Uh-huh.

Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?

Lisa: It's a deal.

Nelson: This sucks. [sprays the hose at Martin's mouth] Ha-Ha!

Treehouse of Horror 3

Homer: Do you sell toys?

Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt which I call frogurt.

Homer: Well, I need something for my son's birthday.

Shopkeeper: Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. [picks a Krusty the Clown doll] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse.

Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.

Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.

Homer: [relieved] That's good.

Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.

Homer: [worried] That's bad.

Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.

Homer: [relieved] That's good.

Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.

Homer: [stares]

Shopkeeper: That's bad.

Homer: Can I go now?

Lisa: Dad! We did something very bad.

Homer: Did you wreck the car?

Lisa and Bart: No.

Homer: Did you raise the dead?

Lisa and Bart: Yes.

Homer: But the car's okay?

Lisa and Bart: Uh-huh.

Homer: All right, then.

Flanders: [disguised as a zombie] Hey Simpson, I'm feeling a might peckish! Mind if I chew your ear?

[Homer accidentally shot off Flanders right behind the pink sedan.]

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer: [quizzically] He was a zombie?

Homer: [Cocks shotgun] To the book depository!

Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie

Marge: Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.

Lisa: What are we gonna have?

Homer: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um... let's see, poison.

Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Bart: Poison pizza.

Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops.

Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.

Bart: Not bloody likely.

Homer: No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?

Homer: I like stories.

Bart: Look, can I please go to the movie?

Homer: I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

Bart: TV sucks.

Homer: [low, angry voice] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

Marge Gets a Job

Mr. Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]

Smithers: But sir, that's my office.

Mr. Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.

[In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]

Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?

Homer: [bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...

Smithers: NOOOOO!

Marge: So do you think I have a case?

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?

Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.

Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah....

New Kid on the Block

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]

Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters!! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

[On the other end of the line.]

Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.

[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]

Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down.

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.

Marge: We pretty much went straight home.

Lionel Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.

Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.

Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?

Marge: [crying] We went fishing!

Lionel Hutz: [to the jury] Do these sound like the actions of a man who'd had all he could eat?

The Jury: [all of whom are incredibly obese] No!

One Particular Fat Juror: That could have been me!

Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey i'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Why can't i find a man to hug and kiss? (barfies laugh)

Barney: maybe your standards are too high!

Moe: You little S.O.B! When I find out who you are I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

Moe: [running evilly with a sinister looking smile by the moon] Now let's see, where is that map? There it is, F5! [laughs evilly offscreen]

Moe: [running evilly by the moon again until a "bonk" sound can be heard offscreen] Ow! Stupid wishing well!

Mr. Plow

Insurance Man: Now, before I give you the check, this "Moe's" you were at, is this a business of some sort?

Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. [gasps] But what else is open at night?!

Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Homer's Brain: Heh, heh! I would've never thought of that!

Homer: [on TV] Hello, I'm Mr. Plow. Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snow blowers? And the constant heartache that comes with shoveling snow?

Bart and Lisa: [on TV] Uh-huh.

Homer: [on TV] Then call KLondike-5-3226! Call now and you can get a free T-shirt.

Lisa: [on TV] But I'm a real tightwad. Can I really afford this remarkable system?

Homer: [on TV] Absolutely! My prices are so low, you'd think I suffered brain damage!

Bart: [on TV] You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow?

Homer: [on TV, through the side of his mouth] Shut up, boy. [outside of TV, Homer growls at Bart] So remember... [sings] Call Mr. Plow! / That's my name! / That name again is Mr. Plow!

[test pattern]

Homer: Well, John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game...

[long pause, during which, Maggie sucks her pacifier once]

Homer: Eh, the waiting game sucks! Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a job for me.

Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.

Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Kent Brockman: Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene.

Arnie Pye: [live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white!

Kent Brockman: [impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions.

Pye: [now upside-down] Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love-- [picture fuzzes out]

Brockman: [chuckles] That's great, Arnie.

Lisa's First Word

[Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]

Krusty: Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?

Company Agent: Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose.

Krusty: [satisfied] I like, I like!

Aide: This just came in over the wires, Big K! [hands him a paper sheet]

Krusty: [reading] "Soviet boycott, U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway?

Company Agent: Let's see. [punches numbers into a calculator] You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. [Krusty sobs]

TV Announcer: Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.

Krusty: [furious] YOU PEOPLE ARE PIGS! [sobs] I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!

Homer: [surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers] I like those odds.

Homer's Triple Bypass

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.

Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.

Homer: Really? What's it like?

Lisa: [shrugs] Eh.

Homer: Kids, kids, I'm not gonna die, that only happens to bad people.

Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?

Homer: Uh...He sold poison milk to school children.

Krusty: Hey hey! [goofy laugh] [Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.] Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearance!

Homer: Krusty, why are you here?

Krusty: Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump."

Homer: Well, I could use a laugh.

Krusty: Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.] I'm in the zipper club myself! [lights a cigarette]

Homer: You seem pretty healthy.

Krusty: Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!

Marge vs. the Monorail

Lyle Lanley: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map. Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail. What'd I say?

Ned: Monorail!

Lyle: What's it called?

Patty and Selma: Monorail.

Lyle: That's right, monorail! (the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as the song begins)

Ms. Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.

Lyle: It glides as softly as a cloud.

Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?

Lyle: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?

Lyle: You'll be given cushy jobs.

Abe Simpson: Were you sent here by the Devil?

Lyle: No, good sir, I'm on the level.

Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.

Lyle: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

All: Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.

Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

All: Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!

Homer: Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

[A solar eclipse forms outside]

Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet... goes on.

Male Passenger: Does anyone want to switch seats?

Selma's Choice

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.

Lisa: We understand.

Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.

Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!

Marge: Homer, quit pouting.

Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Hans Moleman: (reading an eye chart at the DMV and failing) R, Q, J, question mark? Smiley face?

(Selma stamps his driver's license 'VOID')

Selma Bouvier: Next! Wait a minute-it says here you're single.

Hans Moleman: Did I do wrong?

Hans: Combed, biscuits, chicken, yellow, mailman.

Waitress: You're reading the wine list, sir.

Hans: Very good.

Brother from the Same Planet

[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]

Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.

[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]

Martin: Hey...

[falls down on the ground, twitching]

Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?

Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.

Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.

Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.

Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.

Milhouse: Uh, I have a horsey.

[mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]

Nelson: Wuss!

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, I could use some names. "I.P Freely". Uh... [realizes] Grrr!

Milhouse: [after writing on the walls] Trab pu kcip! Trab pu kcip!

I Love Lisa

[Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]

Lisa: A Malibu Stacy convertible! [she finds a note from Ralph] "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". [opens trunk] Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.

Bart: That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!

Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.

Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you.

Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands?

Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?

Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Lisa: What if he wants to--

Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

[Determined to avenge Ralph for being harshly spurned by Lisa, Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]

Homer: Is there a problem, officer?

Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.

Homer: Where?

Wiggum: [smashes a tail-light] Right there.

Homer: [angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!

Wiggum: [alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?

Ralph: Mrs.Hoover?

Mrs. Hoover: Yes Ralph?

Ralph: I don't have a red crayon.

Mrs. Hoover: Why not?

Ralph: I ate it. (his teeth have red crayon all over them) (class laughs)

Duffless

[At the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.]

Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.

Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you'll never touch a beer again. [Homer screams and jumps through the window.]

Homer: [singing] When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.

Last Exit to Springfield

Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.

Homer's Mind: Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?

Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Homer's Mind: Wait a minute; is he coming onto me?

Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?

Homer's Mind: My God, he is coming onto me!

Mr. Burns: After all... negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckles, clicks his tongue and winks]

Homer's Mind: [screams]

Homer: [gets up] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered - maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!

[Mr. Burns is taking Homer on a tour of his mansion.]

Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man! Let's see... [reading] "It was the best of times, it was the 'BLURST' of times"?! You stupid monkey! [strikes the monkey, which screeches] Oh, shut up.

[Mr. Burns has called in an elderly strikebreaking team led by Grampa.]

Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. [other strikebreakers mutter in agreement] One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville: I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because o' the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show

[Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]

Bart: April F- [an explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud]

[Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]

Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

Chief Wiggum: Forget it! That's two blocks away.

Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.

Chief Wiggum: [gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.

Lou: [into radio] We need pretzels! Repeat, pretzels!

Bart: Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.

[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]

Homer: Why, you little--!! [grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

The Front

Bobby: First, the award for the alumnus who gained the most weight. Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: Oh, my God!

Bobby: How'd you do it, Homer?

Homer Simpson: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.

Bobby: And now the award from most improved odor. Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: Yes!

Bobby: And the person who traveled the least distance to be here. Well, kiss my grits, Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.

Principal Dondelinger: Ahem. Class of '74, I was just leafing through your permanent records when I discovered something shocking. Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1-A and thus never graduated from high school.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.

Bart: Cartoons have writers?

Lisa: Eh, sort of.

Bart: Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.

Lisa: Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Bart: Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Bart leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!

Grampa: [typing] "Dear Mister President: There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot."

Whacking Day

[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for mountain bikes.]

Nelson: Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?

Principal Skinner: [appears] Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. [closes the door and locks them in]

Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?

Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?

Principal Skinner: [outside of the room] Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?

Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, but the PTA would tear you a new arse.

Principal Skinner: Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing.

Willie: Aye, sir. [under his breath] Ye bath-takin', underpants-wearin', lily-hugger.

[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place, but Lisa wants a stop to the killing.]

Lisa: Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?

Grandpa: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.

Lisa: Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?

Mrs. Glick: Snake did.

Bart: And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White?

Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.

Marge in Chains

Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge: Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge: You did?

Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of [looks at bottle] delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... [hugs bottle] so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. [Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend] Hello, David? I'm really tempted!

Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.

Hutz: I love you too, man.

Bart: We flushed a gator down the toilet but it got stuck halfway and now we have to feed it.

[We see Abe Simpson fighting an alligator with a plunger as it snaps at him]

Abe: I'll bet you want a piece of me! Well you ain't gonna get it! See! [laughs but his teeth fall in the alligator's mouth and it starts chomping it into pieces] Oh. Hey! Darn it!

Krusty Gets Kancelled

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I will send you $40! [holds up check to audience]

Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys be interested in a Krusty the Clown comeback special?

Flea: Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.

Bart: No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there!

Moe: What? What am I looking at? I don't see anything. Gonna stop looking now! What, is that it...?

Homer: Hey, Moe, can I look too?

Moe: Sure, but it'll cost you.

Homer: My wallet's in the car!

Moe: [chuckles] He is so stupid. And now back to the wall!

["Worker and Parasite" has just ended, camera cuts back to Krusty]

Krusty: What the hell was that??