For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

The Simpsons Season 3

Stark Raving Dad

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?

Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.

Homer: D'oh...! Oh, okay.

Lisa: "Meditations on Turning Eight", by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died--"

Homer: [takes his form] No deal!

Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.

Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.

Doctor: [shocked] You mean there really is a "Bart"? Good lord!

Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

Homer: Who would've guessed reading and writing would pay off?

Faith Crowley: And here are your V.I.P. badges. These will get into place regular tourists never get to see!

Homer: Oh, miss! What does the "I" stand for?

Crowley: Um..."Important."

Homer: Oh, okay. What about the "V"?

Crowley: "Very."

Homer: Miss, just one more qu...

Crowley: "Person."

Homer: Uh-huh. [pause] What does the "I" stand for again?

When Flanders Failed

Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh.

Mr. Burns: [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!

Bart the Murderer

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!

Bart: Don't have a cow!

Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.

Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!

Homer Defined

Kent Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.

Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

[As the meltdown countdown nears zero]

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.

Mr. Burns: [sarcastically] Oh hot dog! Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.

Like Father, Like Clown

Krusty: [voice-over] My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.

Young Jewish Man: Rebbe Krustofski, should I finish college?

Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.

Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?

Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Krustofski: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

[Lisa tries one last tack in convincing Rabbi Krustofski to reconcile with Krusty]

Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning Ancient Hebrew. [Bart looks at Lisa in expectation] Bart! I am not going to learn Ancient Hebrew!

Treehouse of Horror II

[Mr. Burns and Smithers watch surveillance footage of employees toying around and avoiding work.]

Mr. Burns: Ooh, look at them, Smithers-- goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.

Smithers: Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing? Just to throw the fear of God into them.

Mr. Burns: Very well. [to the screen.] Eeny, meeny, miny... [sees Homer sleeping on his workplace.] Blugh! Him!

Smithers: [on the speaker] Attention, Homer Simpson. Attention, Homer Simpson. [Homer doesn't wake up.] Wake up, Homer!

Homer: [[Wakes up, alarmed and confused.] What? Huh? What?!

Smithers: [on the speaker] You're fired.

Homer: For what?

Smithers: [on the speaker] For sleeping on the job.

Homer: How did you know I was sleeping?

Smithers: [on the speaker] We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.

Homer: [sees camera off-screen] Camera? D'oh!

[Mr. Burns prepares to transplant Homer's brain into a robot. In Burns' lab, Smithers saws off the top of Homer's head]

Mr. Burns: Excellent. Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop!

Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!

Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! [with both hands, he pulls out Homer's brain and several vertebrae] Hello... [puts it atop his own head] Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!

[After the robot behaves just like Homer, Mr. Burns returns the brain to Homer's body]

Homer: [as Burns sews the top of his head back on] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Mr. Burns: Oh, will you quit your complaining!

Smithers: Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive!

Mr. Burns: Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. [to the robot] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of caliginous cogs and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it, causing it to tip and loom over him]

Smithers: Run, sir!

[The robot lands on Burns, crushing him save for his head]

Mr. Burns: Every bone... shattered, organs... leaking vital fluids... a slight headache... loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.

Smithers: [distraught] Sir, is there nothing I can do?

Mr. Burns: Well... perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are... surgical tools... and some ether.

[Homer wakes up screaming]

Marge: Did you have a nightmare, Homey?

Homer: No, Bart bit me.

Bart: Hey, man, you were crushing me. [to Marge and Lisa] I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.

Homer: Hey, got to go shake the dew off the lily.

[Homer walks into bathroom and looks in the mirror, to find Burns' head sewn onto his left shoulder]

Homer: Aaaah!!!

Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.

Homer: [trying to stay calm] I can wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!

Mr. Burns: Oh, that's right! It's all a dream... [fade to black] ...or is it? [laughs evilly]

Announcer: Next week, on "The Simpsons"...

[Everyone is at the breakfast table]

Lisa: Don't forget, Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.

Homer: Mmm... spaghetti.

Mr. Burns: But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands!

Homer: Oh, I hate having two heads!

Lisa's Pony

[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]

Lisa: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?

Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

Apu: [after Homer quits his job at the Qwik-E-Mart] He stole, he slept, he was rude to the customers. There goes the best employee a convenience store ever had.

Blue-Haired Kid: My dingaling, my dingaling! I want you to play with my dingaling!

Skinner: THIS ACT IS OVER!

Saturdays of Thunder

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle – his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've got to use reverse psychology.

Homer: That sounds too complicated.

Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.

Homer: All right, I will!

Flaming Moe's

[Moe has introduced Aerosmith to the crowd]

Steven Tyler: HELLLOOOOOOO, ST LOUIIIIIS!

Joe Perry: Um, that's Springfield, Steven.

Tyler: Oh, yeah, right. [to crowd] Are you ready to rock?

Crowd: Yeaahhh!

Tyler: I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!!!???

Crowd: YEEEAHHHHH!

Tyler: Hit it! [Band begins playing "Walk This Way"]

Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.

Collette: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...

Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes—

Collette: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.

Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.

Collette: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.

Moe: Wha—?!

Collette: [stern] He's your friend, Moe, and you took advantage of him.

Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk

Stockbroker: Homer, it's your stockbroker. Your stock in the powerplant just went up for the first time in 10 years.

Homer: I own stock!

Stockbroker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.

Horst: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.

I Married Marge

[As Marge does some accounting, Homer enters with his latest purchase.]

Homer: Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! [into the monitor] Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over.

Marge: Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.

Homer: [looks out the window and sees the Power Plant] Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!

Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.

Homer: Pfft. Now you tell me!

[Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor.]

Homer: Marge! Marge, where's the baby?

Patty: [pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!

Homer: Shut up!

Patty: [stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!

Homer: [furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!

Marge: Homer, does this mean... ?

Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician.

Dr. Hibbert: [horrified] Good God!

Radio Bart

[Sting leads a song for Timmy O'Toole]

Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,

For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...

Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...

Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!

All: And we're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: ALL THE WAY DOWN!!!

All: We're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: DOWN THAT WELL!!!!

[Homer and Marge are on TV being interviewed by Kent Brockman.]

Kent Brockman: So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.

Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?

Brockman: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.

Homer: D'oh!

Lisa the Greek

[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe.]

Homer: Hi, Moe. A beer... and A LOT OF BILLS!

Moe: [laughs] OK! [under breath] ... ya lucky moron. [takes one of his shoes off, shakes shoe empty, dollar bills come out] Here ya go, Homer. A hundred thirty-five dollars.

Homer: I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. [takes money, inhales deeply] Now, it's the smell of victory.

Moe: Ah, shut up.

[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt. Springfield.]

Lisa: What about Daddy-Daughter Day?

Homer: Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.

Lisa: So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying and goes to room]

Marge: You're a very selfish man.

Bart: [plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times.] Once again, great present, Dad!

Homer Alone

Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.

Bart: ...In your bed?

Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands.] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes! [sisters leave]

Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.

Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!

[Bart screams]

[Marge, having taken part in all the activities at Rancho Relaxo, watches the resort's infomercial on the TV.]

Troy McClure: [standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...

Marge: Uh-huh.

McClure: But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [Exits the picture via a hang glider]

Marge: [picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

Bart the Lover

[The Flanders family is sitting at the dinner table.]

Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd: Hell, no.

[The rest of the Flanders all gasp.]

Maude: [sternly] What did you say?

Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned: Alright, that's it, young man! No Bible Stories for you tonight!

[Todd runs upstairs crying.]

Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?

Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

[Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer.]

Homer: Oh... fudge. That's broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... but I am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN!

[He starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse. Marge and Lisa arrive, towing a brand-new doghouse in a wagon.]

Lisa: Dad, this is a not a comment on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.

Homer: Where'd you get the money?

Marge: Well, there was more than enough in the swear jar. And if you look closer there's a special surprise for you.

[Maggie crawls out.]

Homer: Maggie. Oh. Cute.

Marge: No, behind her!

[Homer reaches in and pulls out a six-pack of Duff.]

Homer: [gasp] Beer! How did you know?

Homer at the Bat

Homer: You're Daryl Strawberry.

Darryl Strawberry: Yes.

Homer: You play right field.

Darryl Strawberry: Yes.

Homer: I play right field too.

Darryl Strawberry: So?

Homer: Well, are you better than me?

Darryl Strawberry: Well, I never met you, but... yes.

Barney Gumble: And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston.

Wade Boggs: Pitt The Elder.

Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!!

Wade Boggs: [pokes Barney in the chest] PITT... THE... ELDER!!!

Barney: OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]

Moe: Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.

Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!!!!! [punches Moe out]

Separate Vocations

[Lisa is sent to Skinner's office for disciplinary action in her telling off Miss Hoover. She has a toothpick in her mouth.]

Principal Skinner: I've never seen such a good student take a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against anyway?

Lisa: Whaddya got?!

[Skinner is aghast to see Lisa becoming a sulkier, rebellious version of Bart.]

Bart: [to Lisa] You've got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.

Dog of Death

Homer: [at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.

Mr. Burns: Oh, please. Do go on. [about to press security button under desk]

Homer: I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]

Mr. Burns: [acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.

Homer: I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.

Mr. Burns: What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?

Mr. Burns: Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]

[The Veterinarian fails to resuscitate a hamster.]

Homer: Hey, you did the best you could.

Veterinarian: I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.

Colonel Homer

Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?

Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."

[Lurleen records a new song]

Lurleen: Oh the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart,

When the coach called me up to the plate,

I'd been swingin', and missin', at lovin' and kissin',

My average was point double oh eight.

So I spit on my hands, knocked the dirt from my spikes,

And pointed right towards center field,

This time I'm hitting a home run,

This time, love is for real.

I'll slide... I'll steal... I'll sacrifice

A lovin' fly for you,

I been slumping all season but now I found a reason,

I struck on a love that is true.

I used to play the field,

I used to be a roamer,

But the season's turning 'round for me now,

I finally bagged me a homer.

That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer.

Studio Manager: Um, Lurleen, we're gonna have to cut you off, we're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track. [cut to Marge grinding her teeth]

Black Widower

[After Bob wins an Emmy.]

Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!

Krusty: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!

Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill!

Krusty: Second banana!

Sideshow Bob: Panderer!

Krusty: Bore!

[Bob is restrained by prison guards.]

Selma: That MacGyver's a genius!

Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius: he's an actor! And second, he's not much of an actor!

Selma: You're lying! YOU'RE LYING!

Sideshow Bob: No, Selma; this is lying. [sarcastically] That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!

Selma: NO! [runs out, sobbing]

The Otto Show

[Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left]

Patty: Hello, my name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do well, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?

Otto: Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open-minded.

Patty: [drops green pen] I won't be needing this!

[Otto is struggling to open a door and is oblivious to the notice]

Sign: EVICTION NOTICE. You are ordered to vacate the premises immediately.

Otto: Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice!

Landlord: Yeah, that was me.

Otto: You?! But why?!

Landlord: Because you haven't paid your rent.

Otto: Well... can I at least get my stuff?

Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old cycle magazines.

Otto: [astonished] Wow! I had mustard?

Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.

Marge: What conversation?

[Bart plays a tape recorder]

Bart (on tape): "Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?" [bad imitation of Marge] "He sure can!"

Homer: Marge, what were you thinking?!

Marge: That's not my voice!

Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape!

Bart's Friend Falls in Love

[about his Magic Eight Ball]

Milhouse: You shake it up, and it tells the future!

Bart: Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!

Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."

Nelson: That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]

Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?

Homer: The vernal equinox?

Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scales! [Homer gets on the scales] You've gained thirteen pounds.

Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

Lisa: Hey, Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, man will have another finger.

Bart: Five fingers? Eww, freak show!

Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?

[At the First Annual C. Montgomery Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence show.]

Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!

Bart: What about the Emmys?

Lisa: I stand corrected.

[Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]

Herb: [to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?

[Homer opens the door.]

Homer: [surprised] Herb?

[Herb punches Homer in the face, steps over him and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]

Bart and Lisa: Unky Herb!

Herb: [hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!

Homer: [rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...

Herb: I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.

Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?

Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!

Herb: Now I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet.

Bart: Not really. We snuck a peek while you were in the john.

Herb: Oh... Well, here it is again: my baby translator!

[He pulls away the sheet, revealing a none-too-impressive device]

Marge: Ooooooh…

Herb: Marge, you don't have to humor me.

Marge: Well, it's pretty ingrained...

Herb: What do you think, Homer?

Homer: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen! I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks!

Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?!

Homer: I try, but I can't...