For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

The Serfsons

[Marge cooks food for her family]

Homer: Aw, water soup again?

[Marge knocks out a three eyed crow and adds it to the soup]

Marge: Now, it's crow soup.

Homer: Ooh, I call an eye!

Lisa: Me too!

Bart: Me three!

Marge: And Maggie gets the break.

[Marge plucks the beak out and gives it to Maggie]

Maggie: Aaaeeey! Uh-Ah!

[Maggie uses the beak as a passy and sucks on it]

Lisa: Lousy nobles. We serfs are starving, while they're feasting and jousting and posing for tapestries, where they're friends with a unicorn. As if any unicorn would like them. Unicorns like nice people. I'm a nice person.

[Homer pokes his father's spider web, looking for his mother-in-law's]

Grandpa: Son, is that you?

Homer: No.

Springfield Splendor

Whistler's Father

Homer: Isn't this great, daddy baby alone time. Where's daddy? Peek-a-boo.

Marge: Well, what do you think of my late pick-up room?

Julius: It's wonderful, hard to believe it's the same room they found all those dead rats in.

Lisa: Maggie, you can whistle? (she gasps surprisingly at Maggie's talent.) you're gifted too, maybe more gifted!

Treehouse of Horror XXVIII

Lisa: No one ever wants the apple. They must be afraid there's a razor blade in me.

Bart: [sarcastic] Yeah, THAT'S the reason.

[Homer eats a living chocolate bunny, who screams in pain]

Lisa: Daaaad! I can't listen to this horror!

Homer: Okay, I'm onto it.

[Homer bites the mouth off]

Lisa: Thank you.

Marge: Maggie, sweetie. You should be in bed.

[Maggie is revealed to be possessed by Pazuzu]

Maggie: No one leaves alive!

Marge: Ooooh, her first words!

Grampy Can Ya Hear Me

The Old Blue Mayor She Ain't What She Used to Be

Helen: She's completely cooked. Unlike the children she brought to the potluck.

Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, Helen is a bitter as the lemonade she brought to the potluck. What a terrible potluck that was.

Sideshow Mel: Why wasn't this a town hall event? I like to see them balance on the stools.

Homer: Marge, can you cook a Hot Pocket in the dryer?

Marge: Homer Simpson, the only time you shut your mouth is to keep food inside!

Singin' in the Lane

Reynolds: Well, here's $400, and screw you.

Bart: Wow. I finally found my path in life: socio.

Mr. Lisa's Opus

Homer: Why you little --

Bart: I'm not little. I'm 20, and I live at home.

Homer: Why you disappointing --

Bart: You know you're choking someone who can vote.

Homer: But did you vote?

Bart: No.

Homer: Why you little --

Gone Boy

Bart: Nothing good ever comes from trying.

Haw Haw Land

Otto: I brought my stems.

[Otto opens his coat to reveal a bag with stems in it]

Security Guard: Sir, this is a conference of science, technology, engineering, and math. [the points to a STEM sign]

[Otto walks to a DOPE sign]

Otto: But what about this one?

[Dr. Hibbert walks out of the room next to the DOPE sign]

Dr. Hibbert: Dialogue on pedriatric education.

Frink Gets Testy

Mr. Burns: I need you to tell me who is worthy of surviving the Apocalypse with me. I only want the sharpest razors in this town's Halloween candy.

Homer is Where the Art Isn't

Mayor Quimby: Did you know we had to lay off a third of the police force? That's right: Eddie.

Eddie: I used to have a gun!

Manacek: Your story had everything a field trip, a dream sequence, Sideshow Mel.

3 Scenes Plus a Tag from a Marriage

Fears of a Clown

No Good Read Goes Unpunished

Bart: Hey, I'm doing something educational.

Marge: Educational, my foot! I saw pixels.

Bart: It's TunnelCraft. A simulated world, where you explore, mine resources, and work with friends to build replicas of real buildings.

[The Simpsons are in a book store]

Homer: [reading book title] Man-killing Snakes of the Amazon.

Library Owner: Sir! Never say "Amazon" in a book store!

King Leer

Homer: If the beer's in a frosted mug, you're not alcoholic, you're an aficionado.

Marge: Homer, what's your favorite movie?

Homer: Fast and Furious 6.

Marge: And what's the theme of that movie?

Homer: Cars.

Marge: What was the OTHER theme?

Homer: [gasps] Family.

Lisa Gets the Blues

Homer: Well, we did it, kids. And the best thing is, the next episode will beat Gunsmoke.

Bart: What about all the episodes they made on the radio?

Homer: [mad] Have a beignet.

Forgive and Regret

Lisa: Oh, I hate confrontation.

[shivers then nervously glances at Bart]

Bart: So just leave your body.

Lisa: Ok.

[Lisa leaves her body and appears as a spirit]

Lisa: Oh my god! - Hey!

[camera pans downward to see Bart slapping Lisa's face. Lisa possesses herself back and pushes Bart]

Left Behind

Ned: [plays Christian parody rock music in the car]

Homer: Maybe we should talk.

Ned: Well, of course, my friend! Wanna talk about Jesus?

Homer: No.

Ned: Wanna talk about Ecclesiastes?

Homer: No.

Ned: Wanna talk about baby Jesus?

Homer: [turns Christian rock back on]

Throw Grampa From the Dane

Flanders' Ladder

External links