For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

Clown in the Dumps

Marge: [to Lisa] The doctor gave us this machine to help him breathe in his sleep, go to bed, I'll take care of him.

[Lisa goes back to her bedroom]

[Homer wheezes in his sleep]

Marge: Oh no, oh my god, oh, holy moly, it's not wor-no good, no good, oh, aah, what'll I do?!? Oh, breathe, Homie, breathe.

[at some kind of restaurant]

Homer: I'm not going anywhere for at least 10 years. [Hibbert coughs a bit] 5 years? [Hibbert coughs a bit again] 6 months? [Hibbert coughs a bit once again] Should worry about that guy, he's got the cough.

[at a funeral service]

Comic Book Guy: Worst funeral I have ever live tweeted.

Family Guy Crossover: The Simpsons Guy

Brian: I guess we're in a town called Springfield.

Stewie: Springfield, eh? What state?

Brian: I can't imagine we're allowed to say.

Lois: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.

Brian: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.

Peter: Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis.

Lois: Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.

Marge: And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.

Peter: [to Apu] Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland!

Homer: Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors.

Peter: Mmm. Yummy. Donut.

Homer: That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut...

Peter: Mmm...donut...

Homer: I think you and I are gonna get along juuuuuuust okay.

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Stewie: "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"?

Brian: Probably more popular.

Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'.

Bart: Uh, yeah, I'm lookin' for a friend, last name Ki-Bum, first name Lee.

Moe: Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Ki-Bum? C'mon, look at the stools. Uh, is there a Lee Ki-Bum?

Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped!

Bob Belcher: Yeah, we did it!

Homer: What's he doin' here?

Peter: Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly on his own. We let that other guy try and look what happened.

Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!

[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]

Peter: That's pretty good, right?

Homer: No.

Peter: Huh!?

Homer: It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff.

Peter: Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction.

Homer: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.

Peter: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talkin' about. Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.

Moe: [takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. [Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath]

Judge: I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. [The camera switches to the judge, who is revealed to be Fred Flintstone]

Fred Flintstone: If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock.

[Everyone else in the courtroom laughs]

Fred Flintstone: But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!!!!!

[Everyone else in the courtroom says "Meh"]

Fred Flintstone: And I find in favor of Duff!!!

Lois: Oh, no!!!!

Meg: Oh, no!!!

Peter: Oh, no!!!

[Peter and Lois look towards a nearby wall, expecting the Kool-Aid guy to crash through the wall and say "Oh, Yeah!". Suddenly, Peter's cellphone starts ringing.]

Peter: [Answers his cellphone] Hello.

[Scene shifts to the Kool-Aid guy, who has crashed through the wall of a courthouse in a different Springfield]

Kool-Aid Guy: Uh, hey. I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield.

Homer: Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there!

Ralph: Heh-heh, I'm in danger.

Krusty: Remember, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple.

Kodos: Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves.

Peter: It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... [the radioactivity wears off] Oh, I talked too long.

[Homer attempts to choke Peter]

Peter: What the hell? That really hurts!

Homer: No it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time!

Peter: You strangle your own son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time!

Homer: That's your son!

Peter: [Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them] Hey, that's no fair! I don't got none of them!

[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]

Peter: We're gonna make it!

Homer: Trust me, we're not.

Comic Book Guy: Worst chicken fight ever.

The Wreck of the Relationship

Lisa: Mom, it's trash talk. You know how guys say mean things to their friends the way women say nice things to their enemies?

Lisa: She's under a lot of stress, her husband's at sea.

Marge: Homie, the fantasy draft just ended. I got you five kickers. It is called football, right?

Homer: [runs to Milhouse with Bart watching a red band trailer] Brief nudity!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Super Franchise Me

Marge: It's like they don't care if you make money, as long as they make money. What kind of corporation does that?

Grandpa: Homer, if I ever seem that senile, get a gun and...what are you doing with that gun?!

Homer: Well, family, we should be proud. We took on corporate America and broke even.

Bart: What's your soda refill policy?

Marge: All you can drink, if you buy a jumbo cup.

Homer: Careful, Marge, that's how I bankrupted a Pizza Hut.

Ned: Homer, this is my Freezer-ino!

Homer: Seriously, I am getting so tired of those stupid Flanders-isms!

Ned: It's the name of the freezer.

Homer: Okily-Dokahama?

Ned: Right next to Mount Fuji-I'm glad to see you!

Treehouse of Horror XXV

Lisa: It's true, it would be a cold day in Hell when I was popular.

Homer: The power of Chrysler compels you!

Homer: The bed is lifting me, the elevator at work can't even do that.

Grandpa: I was sleeping in the dryer and got caught in your sheets.

Moe: These eye clamps are the only way I can tolerate today's TV.

Homer: You went to Hell and came back a winner like Jesus.

Homer: It's in Hell, the Inferno, Perdition, Arizona without the golf.

Opposites A-Frack

Marge: You always do the right thing...sort of.

Homer: Wait, I finally get what you're saying. Fracking is great, but the only place it should ever happen is in other people's towns.

Mr. Burns: I appreciate the counsel, Simpson, now please trap door yourself out.

Mr. Burns: I demand to see that capitalism castrating suffragette this instant.

Simpsorama (Futurama Crossover)

Lisa: Professor Farnsworth, I'm dying to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?

Professor Farnsworth: Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities. We teleported from a singularity that I quantum-entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.

Professor Frink: Yes, but how did Bender get here?

Professor Farnsworth: With a time machine.

Lisa: But you just said that—

Professor Farnsworth: Sample's ready!

Blazed and Confused

Mr. Lassen: We should team up, I can get you out of here.

Sideshow Bob: A partner, intriguing, who gets to gut him like a little pot-bellied salmon?

Mr. Lassen: I assumed we'd take turns.

Sideshow Bob: No deal.

Superintendent Chalmers: According to this file from Blazing Guy's secret security, your behavior was so egregious we can do something that we've never done before - fire a teacher.

Principal Skinner: Hand in your red pen...oh, I'm not gonna pass fingernail inspection tonight.

Homer: A camping we will go.

Marge: But where I still don't know.

Homer: A place that's filled with sun and sand, a desert steamed from Disneyland, keep expectations low.

Homer: Oh, Marge, I can't stand it when you cry at dinner. The pork chops look traumatized, the mashed potatoes can't stand to watch, even the children seem upset.

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, your new teacher is...everybody pray!

Principal Skinner: This is a public school.

Superintendent Chalmers: I said pray!

Covercraft

Homer: What I feel is envy.

Lisa: Wow! He's right.

Bart: What's a game show?

Homer: Something you make sketches about.

Homer: I want his fame and fortune so much. Why must the lords of rock be so cruel?

Homer: Oh, what kind of erotic asphyxia?

Homer: Yep, it's all about the music and it would take a pretty unforeseen circumstance to make that change. Pretty unforeseen.

Homer: This is embarrassing to admit, but I haven't even thought about gels.

Homer: I don't have what it takes to play the guitar.

Lisa: Oh no, King Toots is closed. Dad, you're going to have to take me to the big Fox music store.

Moe: You call that a left testicle, Toot?

I Won't Be Home for Christmas

Homer: What the? This isn't Halloween.

Homer: Thank you, magical creatures of the mall! You have all taught me a Christmas message I'll never forget. The place to get drunk is at home.

Homer: You're all right stupid Flanders, you're all right.

Homer: Yeah, but doesn't the money go to schools?

Apu: You have been to our schools, what do you think?

Homer: Well, good luck assembling all those toys without me!

Patty: We already did it!

Homer: Ah! The ghost of Marge future!

Lisa: Mom, where's Dad?

Marge: I don't know.

Bart: Aw, it's Christmas Eve, man, we do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight!

The Man Who Came to Be Dinner

Lisa: Well, I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species. Like three bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched.

Marge: Homer, you have to stop dropping your pants for everyone who claims they're a doctor.

Homer: Fine.

Homer: Wow, this place is completely alien, but everything's in English, just like Canada!

Homer: Look at all these knobs and buttons. They're clearly a superior race. Maybe that means they'll be nice to us.

Lisa: You mean like Europeans were to the Native Americans or the Belgians were to The Congo?

Homer: That's right, pick the only two times in history where things got messy.

Lisa: They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people.

Bart's New Friend

Bart: You did it, Homer, you saved me from the bullies, you're the coolest kid I've ever met.

Milhouse: What about me?

Bart: You're in the top hundred.

Milhouse: Booyah!

Bart: Now you're not.

Homer: Okay, Marge, we can go to the circus, maybe I can finally find out why a man would think a stool is a proper defense against a lion.

Homer: I don't have time for childish games. If I don't do my job, atoms go boom!

Don: It's like rooting for the Cubs, you keep thinking they'll make it, and then you realize they never ever will.

The Musk Who Fell To Earth

Lenny: No, mine was rubber mats in the decontamination showers, also water in the decontamination showers.

Burns: Never!

Lisa: For a man who likes electric cars, he sure burns a lot of rocket fuel.

Homer: Between your genius and my nothing, we make a great team. Come on, give me a hug!

Homer: Fine, we'll both go, and if anyone asks you something you don't understand, just say protons.

Bart: Squaky, until I met you, I never thought I could love something bald.

Walking Big & Tall

Homer: Marge, I believe you're forgetting America's greatest wartime wheelchair-bound leader, Professor X of the X-Men.

Marge: It's not that Professor X wouldn't get up, it's that he couldn't!

Bart: Aw, jeez, I thought writing another hit song would be easier.

Lisa: Well, it would have helped if you hadn't crumpled up all the paper before we wrote anything on it.

Homer: So from now on you can never call me by these names: chubby, chunky, blobbo, slobbo, fat guy, Michelin Man, Stay Puft, Chumbawumba, It is Balloon!, Papa Grande, Augustus Gloop, beached whale, big boned, Wisconsin Skinny, butterball, dump truck, jelly belly, pudgy wudgy, lard butt, blubberino, Buddah belly, Hurry Eat Tubman, one ton soup, blob saget, Chub hub, Calvin Cool whip, Manfred Mannboobs, 21 Lump Street, Walking 'Before' Picture, fatso, Harvey Milk Chocolate, Obese want Cannoli, Mahatma Gumbo, Salvador Deli, Elmer Pantry, KFC and the Sponge Cake Band, Snackie Oneassis, The Foody Blues, Hoagie Carmichael, and wide load.

Homer: Marge, you're my wife of ten years and I love you, but I must observe the teachings of this man I just met tonight. Now the first thing I have to do is make amends with the bathroom scale.

Homer: I have so many questions for you. First or all, is this floor reinforced?

Bart: Thinking back, I'm kinda surprised Mom and Dad let a crazy man spend all night in my bedroom.

Homer: Simpler times.

Moleman: I didn't write it. I brought it from a salesman who was selling it to half the towns in America. I didn't think you'd find out because I never thought any of us would go anywhere.

My Fare Lady

Taxi Driver: Those smart cars are cutting into our business. We used to get uber amounts of work giving people lifts.

Mr. Burns: They say you catch more flies with honey, I say with fly traps.

Moe: The only reason you haven't been fired is because your file here has been holding up a sofa that was missing a leg.

Homer: Look, Moe. The least you can let me do is anything I want.

Moe: You guys cost me my chance with a woman of certain age!

Moe: I'm broke. Now I am going to have to live on my savings here. [Opens cash register] ALL RIGHT WHO RUBBED MY NICKELS?!!?

The Princess Guide

Princess Kemi: So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant?

Homer: It's called The Bachelor.

Princess Kemi: I think he is a sweet, sweet man, but when I kissed him, it was not romantic, more like when Snow White kissed Dopey.

Moe: No, no, not this comparison again!

Moe: Do you mind riding a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist?

Princess Kemi: I don't.

Moe: To the scooter store!

Homer: She's gone!

Moe: And she trashed my bar! Oh no, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

Homer: Sorry, Marge, but I am the royal babysitter. If I start watching commoners, the tongues of the court will be a wag.

Sky Police

Reverend Lovejoy: Relax, Marge. If God lets the Jews have Sunday on a Saturday, he'll be cool with this.

Homer: But it's not on the calendar? Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow, I get to tell everyone why.

Marge: I can't believe it, but the church is going to have to ask people for money.

Homer: Oh, God gets your papers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from Linkedln.

Waiting for Duffman

Lisa: I'm not sure how many more times we can watch Dad chased down by an angry crowd before it affects us psychologically.

Dr. Schulman: As a family therapist, I can assure you that you have all the coping skills you need.

Marge: Why is Lisa talking to an empty seat?

Lisa: See you next Tuesday, Dr. Schulman! Oh, right, you're in Maui.

Homer: I will do something no one has ever done, be fun sober!

Mr. Duff: Why don't you kids run off and play in the bottle cap pit?

Marge: Don't cut yourselves!

Marge: These reality shows really leave you no privacy.

Peeping Mom

Milhouse: Fie?

Bart: Yeah, look it up.

Milhouse: Used to express disgust or outrage? That's the worst F word there is!

Bart: Dad, are you gonna snitch on me?

Homer: Moes before bros.

Homer: Oh, you must be Flanders' new dog. I just want to apologize in advance for the things I'm gonna blame on you.

Marge: I'm not giving up on Bart, just like I didn't give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the North American Sumo League.

Homer: The NASL would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loin cloths for me.

Marge: I said I would do yours, but not the whole dojo.

Chief Wiggum: I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means, and opportunity.

Lou: You also have no evidence.

Chief Wiggum: That's implied.

The Kids Are All Fight

Moe: These photos show that 6 years ago Bart and Lisa were fighting like Creationists and Common Sense.

Homer: Isn't that sweet, six years ago they were fighting, now they're playing pool in a bar.

Moe: Father of the year, pal, father of the year.

Carl: Yeah Homer, we'll definitely help you, but you're gonna have to wait.

Lenny: We just ordered a pie for the bar.

(Homer gets out a shotgun,cocks it, and shoots the pizza)

Carl: What did you do that for?!

Barney: Yeah! It took us 45 minutes to choose a topping!

Lenny: We decided on cheese.

Marge: It all began six years ago. Back then, Clevelanders had nothing bad to say about LeBron and they needed cash when they took the turnpike to Toledo.

Bart: I saved you.

Lisa: But you pushed me!

Bart: Duh, I couldn't save you until I pushed you. Girls make no sense.

Lisa: I was pretending, and it worked!

Bart: You know, kid. With your smarts and my Barts, we make a good team!

Lisa: What are Barts?

Bart: You're the smart one, you figure it out.

Maude: My bladder's going to burst.

Ned: Now I know you've had a few too many waters, but that is no reason for the sailor talk.

Marge: What are we going to do?

Homer: It's not so bad, sweety. I took a box of Altoids from her waiting room. The most anyone has ever gotten out of therapy.

Lisa: Remember when Apu let Dad have the experienced hot dog?

Homer: Just once and I'm still taking medication for it.

Let's Go Fly a Coot

Milhouse: If it's the blue hair and the schnoz you're digging, I've got plenty more cousins.

Bart: Thanks, Milhouse. I think I'm gonna steer clear of Van Houtens for awhile.

Milhouse: More for me, marrying a cousin worked out great for my parents.

Homer: Dad, I apologize. I only say this at gunpoint, but it's true. I love you.

Abe: That's Mock Rickly, my old Air Force buddy.

Bart: You said you were in the Army.

Lisa: You said you were in the Navy.

Abe: That's the kind of mix up that used to happen when I was in the Marines.

Marge: Geez, kids. Guess you've had your last birthday. You're going to stay your current ages for the rest of your lives.

Abe: [pushing a turtle with a broom] Shoo! Shoo now!

[camera pans to a line of McDonell Douglas F-4 Phantom IIs]

Pilot: Just pick them up!

Abe: Eh... They feel weird.

Bull-E

Ned: He's a hero all right, a hero sandwich full of bologna!

Chief Wiggum: A TV star criticizing his writers, what has this world come to? Another bully for your collection boys.

Homer: No, no, honey. I love everything your force me to do. And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.

Bart: And what does that get you?

Homer: Hopefully not a you.

Lisa: Bart, some of your biggest heroes are dancers. Krusty was on Dancing with the Stars until a panel of experts determined he wasn't a star.

Ned: And done. Proud of you boys.

Homer: (flips the fence to the brown side) Thanks for painting my fence stupid Flanders!

Ned: Homer Simpson reorder that border. We've been painting since sun-up.

Homer: Half the fence is mine.

Ned: Fine. Let the good lord decide.

Homer': (spins the fence) D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! (the fence comes to a stop at the painted side) Woo-hoo!

Mathlete's Feat

[the Simpsons are seated as normal when a hover vehicle driven by Rick and Morty runs the family into goo]

Rick: Oh my God, Morty! What did you do?! You killed the Simpsons, Morty!

Morty: Oh my God! No! No, ahh..-I-I-I didn't mean to! There's so much Si-Simpsons!

Rick: Oh, goo— oh God, look at the baby one! Oh my God, Morty! You killed the entire Simpsons, Morty! They're a beloved fahhh-mily, Morty! They're-they're-they're-they're a national treasure and you killed them!

Morty: Ahh... I'm just a kid! I'm just a kid, I don't wanna go to jail!

Rick: Relax, Morty, calm down, we'll take care of it. [scoops goo into vial] Okay, I want you to take that vial of Simpsons goo [shoots portal] and this picture to this address. They'll make us new Simpsons. You understand me, Morty?

Morty: Me?! Wh-wh-what are you gonna do?!

Rick: Morty, I gotta clean this place up before somebody comes snooping around. You know many characters there are in The Simpsons, Morty? There's like a billion cha-ahracters. Th-they did an episode were George Bush was their neighbor.

Morty: Alright, can't argue with that.

External links