For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

Homer: [after receiving a low gross paycheck as Santa] Thirteen bucks? I can't get anything for thirteen bucks! [Barney comes over with his paycheck]
Barney: All right, thirteen big ones! Springfield Downs, here I come!
Homer: What? [Barney kisses check]
Barney: You heard me! I'm going to the dog track. [sits beside Homer] I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race. Wanna come?
Homer: [gloomy] Sorry, Barney. I may be a total washout as a father, but I'm not gonna take my kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve.
Barney: Come on, Simpson! The dog's name is Whirlwind. Ten-to-one shot. [nudges him] Money in the bank.
Homer: Uh-uh!
Bart: Aw, come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us! [Barney taps Homer's shoulder; they all go]
Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?
Homer: [dressed as Santa with Bart on his lap] And what's your name, Bart...ner.... uh, little partner?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Bart the Genius

[The family is playing Scrabble.]
Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
[Bart's about to leave, but Homer grabs his arm.]
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
[Homer is offended and angrily looks down at Bart more]
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! Kwyjibo on the loose!
Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.
Homer: What is it, son?
Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.
Homer: What?
Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then made the past few weeks great. Me and you were doing stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
[Long pause.]
Homer: [turns his head red in anger] Why you little...! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! [runs]
Marge: What's going on out there?
Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
Marge: Oh, well.
[Bart runs into his room and closes the door. Homer pounds on it.]
Homer: YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER!
Bart: I can try!
Homer: March your butt right out here, NOW!
Bart: No way, man!
[Homer is about to continue pounding on the door, but stops with a crafty smile.]
Homer: [with false concern] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! I'm insulted!
[Homer turns red, howls in rage and continues pounding at the door.]

Homer's Odyssey

[The cartoon character Smilin' Joe Fission informs Bart's class about nuclear energy.]
Smilin' Joe Fission: Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem.
[Smilin' Joe tucks the waste under a rug.]
Smilin' Joe Fission: I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely!
[the customers laugh]
Moe: Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

There's No Disgrace Like Home

Homer: Afternoon, Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: Ah, hello there, uh.. uh....
Homer: [whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.
Smithers: [gives cue card] Here you go, sir.
Mr. Burns: Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little... Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!
[Dr. Monroe diagnoses the Simpsons' problem when he sees the rest of the family drawing Homer as they see him. Not paying attention to their disgust, he gets lost and draws an airplane with bombs on them.]
Dr. Monroe: [to Homer] Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.
Marge: Now, Doctor, that's not true.
Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.
Bart: Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.
Homer: That does it!
[Homer grabs a lamp and tries to hit Bart with it.]
Dr. Monroe: Whoa!
[Dr. Monroe takes the lamp from Homer.]
Dr. Monroe: [Chuckles] Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.

Bart the General

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?!
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?
Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody! Peace, man.

Moaning Lisa

Homer: Lisa! What did I tell ya about playing that saxamah-thing in the house?
Lisa: I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs]
Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your blues if it'll make you happy.
Lisa: No, that's okay, Dad. [sniff] I'll just work on my fingering, unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
Homer: Let's hear it.
[Lisa starts clacking for a while]
Homer: You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.
Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]
Marge: Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
Bart: Did you check the den?
Homer: The den! Great idea!
[Homer heads into the den with Bart following him and Homer begins to pull couch apart]
Bart: Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.
Homer: You know where my keys are?
Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]
Homer: GRRRRH!!!
Bart: Did you check the rumpus room?
Homer: Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?
Lisa: Oh, Dad?
[Lisa points. The keys are still in the door lock]
Homer: D'oh!

The Call of the Simpsons

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.
[Marge and Lisa groan in disgust, knowing Homer has ignored their attempts to try and help him navigate the woods.]
[Bob the RV salesman checks Homer's credit on a computer, and a siren wails when the results come back.]
Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? [chuckles] No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says. It seems that the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite, you couldn't afford this thing even if you lived to be a million.
Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range? I don't want to go away empty handed, Bob.
Bob: Take it easy, there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more you.

The Telltale Head

[Chief Wiggum leads a press conference about the town statue.]
Chief Wiggum: [clears throat] Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."
[Bart skateboards down to the movie theater.]
Jimbo: Hey, hot dog.
Bart: What? [crashes into a lamp post]
Jimbo: Nice dismount, man.
[He and his friends laugh.]
Bart: Didn't hurt.
Kearney: Oh, yeah? Well, do it again!
Bart: Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.

Life on the Fast Lane

Jacques: It is nice to meet you... [looks at name on Marge's bowling ball] Homer!
Marge: Oh, no, no... "Homer" is my... ball's name! I'm Marge!
Jacques: [chuckles to himself] Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.
Marge: Hmm... No, no, thank you, Mister—um—[looks at Jacques' ball] Brunswick.
Jacques: Call me Jacques.
Marge: Jacques.
Jacques: Marge.
Marge: Hmm... I'll just use my ball.
Jacques: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this "Homer" of yours.
Jacques: Marge, Darling, I... I want to see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowl-a-Rama. Away from the thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for brunch!
Marge: What's brunch?
Jacques: You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch. But it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end! You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal!

Homer's Night Out

[Homer weighs himself again after six months.]
Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why are all the good things so tasty? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!
[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]
Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.
Homer: Good idea, Marge.
[Homer pays a visit to the Kwik-E-Mart, after he has unknowingly become famous from his photo with Princess Kashmir being posted all over town.]
Homer: One glazed, and one Scratch-'N-Win, please.
Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?
Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. [chuckles]
[Apu hands Homer his lottery ticket and he starts to scratch it off.]
Homer: Oh. Liberty Bell.
[Homer scratches some more and gasps.]
Homer: Another Liberty Bell! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please, please, please, please!
[Homer scratches to reveal a plum.]
Homer: D'oh! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday?

The Crepes of Wrath

[Principal Skinner offers a solution to Bart’s problems at school.]
Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.
Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!
Homer: Hear him out, Marge.
[Adil and Lisa debate at the dinner table.]
Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?
Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!
Adil: Can not.
Lisa: Can too.
Adil: Can not!
Lisa: Can too!
Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Krusty Gets Busted

[The words "big shoes to fill" start echoing in Bart's mind, droning out Bob's talking and he starts to catch onto something that others hadn't before. Recalling with memory, Bart remembers Homer stepped on the robber's foot, resulting in him screaming in pain. However, Bart noticed Krusty's feet were small as he walked up the steps to the courthouse. He knows that despite wearing big floppy clown shoes all the time, Krusty would never felt Homer stepping on them due to his small feet. Whereas, Sideshow Bob's feet are unbelievably large and therefore he yelled at Homer for not watching where he was going. That's when it all comes together and Bart realized that Bob had the most to gain in Krusty's downfall.]
Bart: [Outraged] Wait a minute, you did it!
Sideshow Bob: I beg your pardon?
Bart: [grabbing the microphone away from Bob and faces the camera.] Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store! Sideshow Bob framed him and I got proof!
[He hits the end of Sideshow Bob's foot with a comedy mallet.]
Sideshow Bob: [grabbing his foot, while Bart holds the microphone on Bob] OW, MY FOOT! YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
[The kids gasp as they hear the words uttered on the security cam.]
Bart: See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes all the time, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.
[Hits Sideshow Bob's other foot, causing him to fall down]
Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!
[Bart removes Sideshow Bob's shoe to reveal his big feet and the children turns against him for what he did to Krusty. At the police station, Eddie and Lou are watching the show and eating donuts.]
Eddie: Kid's right.
Lou: How do you suppose we missed that?
Chief Wiggum: [also eating a donut] Get off your duffs, boys! Get down to that studio!
Sideshow Bob: [in handcuffs] Yes, I admit it. I hated him! His hackneyed shennanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon, while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids!
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Sideshow Bob: [being carted off to jail] Treat kids like equals, they're people too. They're smarter than what you think! They were smart enough to catch me!

Some Enchanted Evening

[Marge dials the babysitting service. At the Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service, there are three older women, including Ms. Botz.]
Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service.
Marge: This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening.
Receptionist: Wait a minute. The Simpsons?
[Looks over at a bulletin board with Bart, Lisa and Maggie's faces on it, warning their employees not to babysit them due to their countless misbehavior.]
Receptionist: Lady, you've got to be kidding!
[Receptionist slams the phone, continues writing, phone rings seconds later.]
Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.
Homer: Hello, this is Mr. Samson.
Receptionist: Did your wife just call a second ago?
Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
Receptionist: Thank God! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father!
Homer: [angrily] D'oh! [trying to keep calm] Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.
Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor?
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello, is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?
[bar denizens laugh]
Moe: Wait a minute... [to phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
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