The Emperor's New Groove is a 2000 animated comedy film starring David Spade, John Goodman, Patrick Warburton and Eartha Kitt, with music by Sting and John Debney. The sleeper hit was released by Walt Disney Pictures.

The film has spun off a sequel, Kronk's New Groove, and a TV series, The Emperor's New School.

Kuzco

[At the very beginning where we see him as a llama all alone in the rainy jungle] Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. Actually, my story. That's right. I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco. Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what. You go back a ways before I was a llama and this'll all make sense. [Film rewinds to show Kuzco as a baby playing with his toys] Okay. See, now that's a little too far back. Oh, look at me! That's me as a baby! [The stuffed animal's head pops off when Baby Kuzco squeezes it. Baby Kuzco cries, but coos and giggles when more stuffed animals are given to him. Kuzco, narrating offscreen, clears his throat] Okay. Let's move ahead.
Okay. This is the real me. [Scene cuts to him as a llama] Not this. [Cuts back to him as a human, lounging on his throne] This. [Back to Llama Kuzco] Not this. Winner. Loser! Okay. See this palace? Everybody in it is at my command. Check this out. [Snaps his fingers] Butler! [Snaps his fingers again] Chef! [Camera zooms out showing a giant cake, Kuzco snaps his fingers a third time] Theme song guy.
[Repeated line] Ha! Boom, baby!
[Film freezes as Pacha is sitting outside his house when he in llama form comes out onscreen, chuckling nervously] Hi. Excuse me. Two seconds here. [Takes out a red marker] Um, I'm the one in the cart, remember? [Circles the burlap sack he's tied up in] This story's about me. [Crosses Pacha out] Not him. Got it? Okay. We're gonna move ahead. Sorry to slow you down. [Disappears for a split second, but comes back out and scribbles Pacha out with the marker before the film continues]

Dialogue

[Kuzco analyzing potential brides who all look exactly the same]
Kuzco: Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality.
Pacha: [noticing Rudy is caught in one of the palace streamers] Hey, are you all right? [helps Rudy down] What happened?
Rudy: Well, I … I threw off the emperor's groove.
Pacha: [in disbelief] What?
Rudy: [frantic] His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!
Pacha: [gasps in shock] Well, I'm supposed to see him today--
Rudy: [grabs the front of Pacha's shirt] DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROOVE!
Pacha: Oh. Okay.
Rudy: [walking away] Beware the groove!
Pacha: Hey, are you going to be all right?
Rudy: [leaving] The grooooove...
[After Kuzco fires Yzma, she takes out her anger by using a hammer to smash idol heads of him (provided by Kronk)]
Yzma: He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?! Does he— [to Kronk, about a misplaced head] A little to the left. [Kronk nudges the head so Yzma can smash it. She then continues to rant] have ANY idea of who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! Why, I practically raised him! [Kronk lays down another bust, which Yzma smashes]
Kronk: Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.
Yzma: [dryly] Yeah. Go figure.
Kronk: Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Kuzco, huh?
Yzma: [comes to a realization] That's it, Kronk! That's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco! [she grabs Kronk, causing the rest of the busts to smash]
Kronk: [confused] The real Kuzco?
Yzma: Of course the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire! Brrrrilliant!
Kronk: So, how does that work with you being fired and all?
Yzma: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
Kronk: And I'm one of those two, right?
Yzma: To the secret lab!
[They move over to two levers]
Yzma: Pull the lever, Kronk! [Kronk pulls a lever, opening a trap door under Yzma; she falls through] WRONG LEVEEEEEEEEER!!! [splash]
Kronk: Uh...
Yzma: [comes out all wet and with a crocodile biting her dress] Why do we even have that lever? [slaps the crocodile which lets go of Yzma's dress and runs away, yipping] Get out of my way!
[Yzma pulls the other lever and she and Kronk land in what is like an amusement park ride]
Ride Voice: Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
[Ride speeds up, going through tunnels]
Kronk: Whoo! Faster, faster! Yzma! Put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!
[Yzma and Kronk arrive in the lab, wearing lab coats and safety goggles, do a high-five, and run to get to work]
Yzma: Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself! And when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!!! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! [She knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead] Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this! [picks up the beaker of poison and hands it to Kronk] Take it, Kronk! [laughs] Oh! Feel the power!
Kronk: [only feeling the beaker] Oh. I can feel it.
Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches! [laughs] It's dinnertime!
[Lighting flashes and the scene ends]
Yzma: So, is everything ready for tonight?
Kronk: Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.
Yzma: Not the dinner! The You-Know...?
Kronk: [trying to be clever but failing dismally] Oh, riiiight. The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. [long pause. Yzma rolls her eyes] That poison?
Yzma: Yes, that poison!
Kronk: [getting out a potion] Got ya covered.
Yzma: Excellent! A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert!
Kronk: Which is a real shame, 'cause it's gonna be delicious.
[Yzma is shocked that her potion turned Kuzco into a llama instead of killing him]
Yzma: What?! A llama?! He's supposed to be DEAD!
Kronk: Yeah, weird.
Yzma: [gives Kronk the evil eye] Let me see that vial.
[Kronk gives the vial to Yzma. The label is folded half-way, the logo looking like the top half of a skull. Yzma unfolds the top of the label with her thumb, revealing a logo in the shape of a llama.]
Yzma: This isn't poison! This is extract of.... LLAMA!!! Oooohhhhh...
[She tosses the vial at Kronk, which bounces off of his head and shatters on the floor. While Kronk speaks, she hits herself on the head with her knuckles in frustration.]
Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about re-labeling some of them.
Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job! Now!
Kronk: [hesitantly] What about dinner?
Yzma: [calmly] Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk: [pauses] How about dessert?
Yzma: [starts to counter, but then reconsiders] Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Kronk: [hopefully] And coffee?
Yzma: [dryly giving in] Alright, a quick cup of coffee. THEN TAKE HIM OUT OF TOWN AND FINISH THE JOB!!!
[While Kuzco is in a bag, about to go over a very large waterfall]
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you?
Kronk: My shoulder angel.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Don't listen to that guy! He's trying to lead you down the "path of righteousness". I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks!
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Ah, come off it!
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You come off it!
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You!
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You!
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You!
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: [smirking] You infinity. [The angel growls in frustration] [to Kronk] Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one: [points at the angel] Look at that guy! He's got that sissy, stringy, music thing.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: All right. So, that's a harp... and that's a dress!
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Robe!
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Reason number two: [does a one-handed handstand] Look what I can do! Ha, ha! Ha!
Kronk: But, uh, what does that have to do with anything?
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: No, no, he's got a point.
Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're starting to confuse me, so, uh, "begone"! Or, uh, you know, however I get rid of you guys.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel and Devil: That'll work.
[They poof out of existence]
Chicha: So, what did the emperor want?
Pacha: [clears throat] Oh, you know what, he couldn't see me.
Chicha: [angrily] Couldn't see you?! Why not?!
Pacha: I don't know.
Chicha: Well, well, that's just rude!
Pacha: Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.
Chicha: No, no, no, no, no. No. Emperor or no Emperor, it's called common courtesy.
Pacha: Honey--
Chicha: If that were me, I'd march right back there and demand to see him, and you know I would!
Pacha: Sweetie, sweetie. Think of the baby.
Chicha: Pacha, I'm fine. This baby's not coming out for while. But even if it was, I'd give that guy a piece of my mind! That kind of behavior just, just... [snorts in anger] I gotta go wash something.
Pacha: Huh? Whoa. Where'd you come from, little guy?
Kuzco: No touchy.
Pacha: Demon llama!
Kuzco: Demon llama? Where? (Kuzco looks at the demon llama and screams) Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Ow! Ow, my head.
Pacha: Okay, demon llama. Just take it easy. I mean you no harm,
Kuzco: What are you talking about-- [notices Pacha] Oh, wait. I know you. You're that whiny peasant.
Pacha: [gasps] Emperor Kuzco?
Kuzco: Yeah. Who do you think you were talkin' to?
Pacha: Uh...how did-- Um... you don't... look like the emperor.
Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?
Pacha: Uh...oh... do this... [Gesturing his fingers to Kuzco]
Kuzco: What is this, some kind of little game you country folk like to-- [notices he has hooves] Aah! It can't be! [He goes to a fountain to show his reflection and realizes he's been turned into a llama] Aah! Aah! Aah! My face! My beautiful, beautiful face! I'm an ugly stinky llama! [Goes into hysterics as Pacha tries to calm him down] Llama face!
Pacha: What happened?
Kuzco: [slaps himself across the face; trying to calm down] I'm trying to figure that out, okay? [falls and starts whining again] I can't remember! I can't remember anything! Wait a minute. [turns towards Pacha] I remember you! I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was. And then you got mad at me-- [gasps in shock, then turns back to Pacha angrily] And you turned me into a llama!
Pacha: What?!? No, I did not!
Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me!
Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?!
Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind! Not me!
Pacha: What?!?
Kuzco: Hmm. You're right. That's giving you way too much credit. Okay, I gotta get back to the palace. Yzma's got that "secret lab"; I'll just snap my fingers and order her to change me back! Hey, you! No time to waste. Let's go. [Starts walking away] Hey, tiny! I wanna get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go!
Pacha: [sternly] Build your summer home somewhere else.
Kuzco: [angrily] You wanna run that by me again?
Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.
Kuzco: [whispers] Hey, I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer. [he screams in Pacha's face] I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH PEASANTS!!!
Pacha: Then, I guess I can't take you back.
Kuzco: Fine! I don't need you. [Starts walking towards the jungle] I can find my own way back.
[Pacha gets in the way]
Pacha: I wouldn't recommend it. It's a little dangerous if you don't know the way.
Kuzco: Nice try, pal.
Pacha: No, really, I'm telling you - there are jaguars and snakes... and quicksand!
Kuzco: [Walking away] La, la, la, la, la-la-la! La-la-la! I'm not listening!
Pacha: I'm serious! Listen to me! You cannot go in there!
Kuzco: [Singsong] Still not listening!
Pacha: Ya know what?! Fine! Fine! Go ahead! There's no Kuzco, there's no "Kuzcotopia". Takes care of my problem. [He walks away, only to look back at the jungle]
[Pacha and Kuzco are swinging to safety after Kuzco is rescued from a pack of jaguars.]
Pacha: Don't worry, Your Highness, I got ya! You're safe now!
[The vine from which they are swinging from catches, spins them around numerous times and binds them firmly to a log]
Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?
Pacha: No, no, no. It's – it's okay! This – this is all right. We can figure this out.
[The log starts to break in two]
Kuzco: I hate you.
[The log breaks completely, sending them plummeting into a river. After riding through the rapids, they are luckily bounced into far calmer waters.]
Kuzco: I don't know about you, but I'm getting all funned out.
Pacha: [eyes widen] Uh-oh.
Kuzco: [deadpan] Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: [also deadpan] Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on. [As they go over] Boooooo-yaaaaahahahahahahahah!
[After Pacha revives him, Kuzco is washing his mouth out]
Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss!
Kuzco: Well, whatever you call it, [Spits onto Pacha's fire, putting it out] it was dees-gust-ing! And to think, if you'd done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life! [Shakes off the water from his fur, which puts out Pacha's fire again] But now that we're here, you will take me back to the palace, I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. [builds a house with a rock, sticks, and a leaf] Oh, yeah!
Pacha: Okay, now look. I think we got off on the wrong foot here.
Kuzco: [Uninterested] Um-hm. [Starts drying himself off with Pacha's poncho]
Pacha: I just think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.
Kuzco: [Finishes drying off] And why would I do that? [throws the poncho over the fire, putting it out again]
Pacha: Because... [controls his anger] Deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.
Kuzco: And that's... bad?
Pacha: Well, yeah! Uh, nobody's that heartless.
Kuzco: Mmmm. Now take me back.
Pacha: What? Wait, wait! How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you!
Kuzco: Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program. Eh, Pacha?
Pacha: You know, someday you're gonna wind up all alone. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Kuzco: [sarcastically] Thanks for that, I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.
Pacha: Looks to me like you're stuck out here. Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.
Kuzco: [Mocking Pacha] "Because unless you change your mind, I'm not gonna take you back." Me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo. [Picks up an acorn and throws it at Pacha, hitting him on the head; Pacha looks around angrily] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't do that. Somebody's throwing stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?
Pacha: [Sighs] He's never going to change his mind.
Kuzco: [Goes out a way to lie down, then sighs as well] How am I ever gonna get out of here?
Yzma: And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince...taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his eighteenth birthday.
Kronk: Poor little guy.
Yzma: His legacy will live on in our hearts...
Kronk: He never had a chance.
Yzma: ...for all eternity. Well, he ain't gettin' any deader. Back to work.
Yzma: Kronk, darlin'. I must admit you had me worried when you mixed up those poisons. But now that Kuzco is dead, all is forgiven.
Kronk: [stammering and with a nervous expression] Well, yeah, yeah. He's dead, alright. I mean, you can't get much deader than he... than he is right now. Unless, of course, we killed him again.
Yzma: [suspicious] I suppose.
Kronk: Hey, look! The royal dresser's here!
Yzma: Kronk?
Kronk: I should tell ya right now I'm kinda hard to fit. I wear a 66 long and a 31 waist.
Yzma: [kicks the royal dresser off the throne hill] Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
Kronk: [nervously] Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?
Yzma: [through clenched teeth] HE'S STILL ALIVE?!?
Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.
Yzma: [face turns red] Kronk!
Kronk: Just thought I'd give you a heads-up, in case Kuzco ever came back.
Yzma: He can't come back!
Kronk: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.
Yzma: YA THINK!? You and I are going out to find him! If he talks, we're through! NOW LET'S MOVE!!
Tipo: [at the exact same time, waking from a nightmare] DAD, LOOK OUT!
Chicha: Tipo, what is it?
Tipo: I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log, and was careening out of control down a raging river of DEATH!
Chicha: It's alright, it's alright.
Tipo: It was awful!
Chicha: It's okay, Tipo, calm down, it was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the Emperor.
Tipo: Oh, you mean like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.
Chicha: That's right.
Chaca: Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama!
Tipo: [dryly] Yeah, like that would ever happen.
Chaca: It could!
Tipo: Nuh-uh!
Chaca: Yeah-huh!
Tipo: Nuh-uh!
Chaca: Yeah-huuuuh!
Tipo: Nuh-uh!
[They keep exchanging "nuh-uh's" and "yeah-huh's" at lightning speed]
Chicha: Good night, you two.
Tipo and Chaca: Night, Mom!
[They continue as Chicha blows out the candle]
Pacha: Ooh! Brr.
Kuzco: [hands Pacha his poncho] Uh, hey. Thanks.
Pacha: Oh. No problem.
Kuzco: Feels like wool.
Pacha: Yeah.
Kuzco: Alpaca?
Pacha: Oh, yeah, it is.
Kuzco: Oh, yeah, I thought so. It's nice.
Pacha: My wife made it.
Kuzco: Oh, she knits?
Pacha: Crochets.
Kuzco: Crochets? Nice.
Pacha: Thanks.
Kuzco: So... so, I was thinking that when I got back to the city, we'd, uh...I mean, there's lots of hilltops, and maybe I might, you know... I -- I might...
Pacha: Are you saying... you've changed your mind?
Kuzco: Oh, well, I -- I...
Pacha: Because you know that means you're doing something nice for someone else.
Kuzco: No, I know that. I know.
Pacha: And you're all right with that?
Kuzco: Yes. [Pacha looks hard at him then holds out his hand] What? [holds out his hoof]
Pacha: (pulls back) Don't shake unless you mean it. [they shake] All right. Let's get you back to the palace. Oh, by the way, thanks.
Kuzco: [smugly] No… thank you.
[Kuzco has just rescued Pacha from falling back into the canyon]
Kuzco: WHOO! YEAH! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right outta the air! [At the canyon] "Oh, I'm a crumbling canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal! [Shuffling to dance] Uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Pacha: [Stunned] You just saved my life.
Kuzco: Huh? [tries to look deadpan] So?
Pacha: [smiles] I knew it.
Kuzco: Knew what?
Pacha: That there is some good in you after all.
Kuzco: Nuh-uh.
Pacha: Admit it.
Kuzco: You're wrong.
Pacha: Yes, there is.
Kuzco: Nuh-uh.
Pacha: I think there is.
Kuzco: [more annoyed] Nuh-uh!
Pacha: Hey, you could've let me fall.
Kuzco: C'mon, what's the big deal? Nobody's that heartless! [pauses in shock, realizing that he repeated Pacha's words] Eh, don't put too much into it. It was a one-time thing.
Pacha: Yeah, sure. Well, we better get going. With that bridge out, it's a 4-day walk to the palace.
Kuzco: [surprised] What, you mean you're still taking me back?
Pacha: I shook on it, didn't I?
Kuzco: Well, yeah. [sounds guilty for a moment] But I hope you realize that doesn't change a thing. I'm still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.
Pacha: Well, 4 days is a long time. Who knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.
Kuzco: [unconvinced] Uh-huh. Four days. What are the chances of you carrying me?
Pacha: Not good.
[Yzma and Kuzco are ordering meals from Kronk. When one exits, the other enters, so they never see each other; Kronk meanwhile thinks they are making the same order.]
Yzma: While you're at it, make me the special, and hold the gravy!
Kronk: Check. Pickup.
Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk? Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
[Yzma growls in annoyance]
Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese!
Kronk: Cheese it is.
Kuzco: Cheese, me no likey!
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in!
Kronk: Ah, come on, make up your mind!
Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...
Yzma and Kuzco: Make my potatoes a salad.
[Llama Kuzco is all alone in the jungle in the rain]
Kuzco:
Narrating: So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here! I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.
Llama: Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?
Narrating: What? I'm just telling them what happened.
Llama: Who are you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They know what happened.
Narrating: Well, yeah, but, but...
Llama: Leave me alone.
[Yzma is sleeping in a huge tent, while Kronk is in a tent so small it only covers his waist; suddenly Kronk jerks awake]
Kronk: The peasant, at the diner! … He didn't pay his check. [falls back asleep, but then jerks back up] [rapidfire] It's the peasant who I saw leaving the city; he disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco on the back of his cart! [gasps, both in realisation and to regain energy] He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him … we find Kuzco. Oh yeah, it's all comin' together. [runs into Yzma's tent] Yzma!
Yzma: WHAT?!?! [sits up with cold cream on her face and cucumbers on her eyes]
Kronk: [recoiling] Aaagh!
Yzma: This had better be GOOD! [the cucumbers fall off her eyes]
Chicha: [to Yzma] You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way. But, as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you came by.
Yzma: Oh, would you, please? That would be just great. [makes an exaggerated gesture that makes her knock her teacup off the table] Oops. Silly me.
Chicha: No, no. [exhaustively] Allow me.
[Chicha, being pregnant, has trouble picking it up; Yzma dashes up to Kronk, who is jumping rope with Tipo and Chaca]
Yzma: She's hiding something. When I give the word, we search the house.
Kronk: Okay, but I still got 94 monkeys to go.
[Yzma growls in frustration and dashes back to the table after Chicha picks up the cup]
[Chicha has managed to shut Yzma and Kronk in a closet by taking away the doorknob]
Chicha: What do you mean the door's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.
Yzma: There is no handle in here!
Chicha: [holding the doorknob] There's not? Are you sure?
Yzma: Alright, I've had enough of this! Tell us where the talking llama is, and we'll burn your house to the ground!
Kronk: Uh, don't you mean "or"?
Yzma: [sighs in exasperation] Tell us where the talking llama is, OR we'll burn your house to the ground!
Chaca: Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.
Yzma: [growls] That's it! Kronk, break the door down!
Kronk: Break it down? Are you kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany.
Yzma: I don't care, you fool! Get out of my way! I'll break it down myself! A-one …
Chicha: Okay, kids, you know what to do.
Yzma: 2 …
Tipo and Chaca: Right, Mom!
Yzma: 3!
[Yzma charges through the closet but then slips on the floor waxed by Tipo, Yzma is then rides on a wheelbarrow and is then covered by honey and feathers, she then flings out of the wheelbarrow; scene cuts to a party where kids are about to whack a pinata]
Mother: Okay, children. On you mark, get set... [Yzma takes the place of the pinata] Go!
[The kids start whacking Yzma with their clubs]
Yzma: Stop it, you little brats! [sees Kuzco and Pacha making a run for it] THERE THEY GO, KRONK!! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!!
[After a long chase sequence, Yzma and Kronk fall into a chasm and Kuzco and Pacha finally make it into the palace; Pacha has pulled the wrong lever while trying to go into Yzma's secret lab, causing Kuzco to fall into the pit and get bitten by the same crocodile that bit Yzma]
Kuzco: Okay, why does she even have that lever? [kicks the crocodile, causing to run away yipping again; Pacha pulls the right lever causing them to fall into the roller coaster ride]
Ride Voice: Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
[Kuzco and Pacha scream all the way through the ride and ends up in Yzma and Kronk's lab costumes]
Kuzco: Huh?
[they take off the costumes and run to the lab]
Pacha: [looks through the potions] What does it look like?
Kuzco: [also looks through the potions] I don't know. Just keep looking
Pacha: [opens an owl-shaped cabinet] Over here. It has to be one of these. Lions, tigers, bears –
[There are no bottles in the human section]
Yzma: Oh, my! Looking for this? [steps out of a shadow holding the potion]
Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?!
Yzma: Ah … [looks confused] How did we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, ya got me. [pulls down a chart of the previous chase] By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
Yzma: Oh, well. Back to business.
Kuzco: [chuckles nervously] Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really wanna kill me?!
Yzma: Just think of it as … you're being let go. That your life's going in a different direction. That your body is part of a permanent outplacement.
[A look of fear crosses Kuzco's face as he finally understands Yzma's motives]
Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: I know. It's called a cruel irony. Like my dependence on you.
Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting this…! [starts to pull up her dress; Kuzco and Pacha recoil and start yelling objections] [revealing a knife strapped to her thigh] A-ha!
[Kuzco and Pacha are relieved and pass it off]
Yzma: Haha! [throws the knife to Kronk] Finish them off!
[Kronk looks reluctant]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Hey, you're not backing down now, are you, big guy?
Kronk: Uh, where's the other guy? [Kronk's Shoulder Angel appears sitting in a hairdryer] Yo!
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: [he quickly gets off the chair, removes the helmet and restores his halo while he speaks] Sorry I'm late. So, what did I miss?
[As Kronk talks to the Shoulder guardians in his head, Yzma stares at him, turns to Kuzco and Pacha, and points to him with her thumb, hoping for an explanation; Pacha and Kuzco simply shrug]
Kronk: Well, Yzma just tossed me this knife and asked me to, y'know, take them out. Then this guy popped up and we waited for you, and, quite honestly –
Yzma: Kronk! [Kronk and his Shoulder guardians turn to her] Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: [in shock] Whoa, now!
Yzma: A really, really big, stupid monkey named KRONK!
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: [also shocked] Ouch!
Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I never liked your spinach puffs. [Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil all gasp] NEVER!
[Kronk breaks down into tears; Shoulder Angel comforts him]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: [angry] That's it. [cocks trident like a shotgun] She's goin' down!
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Now, now. Remember, guys: "From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward."
[They look above Yzma and notice a chandelier as an angel chorus sings]
Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil: That'll work.
[Kronk cuts the rope to the chandelier, sending it falling down towards Yzma, but due to her skinny form, it falls around her instead of on her]
Kronk: Strange. That usually works.
Yzma: And so does this!
[She pulls over a large vial, which turns out to be a lever for a trapdoor below Kronk]
Kronk: Ah. Should've seen that coming. [falls through] Whooaaaaaa! [Shoulder angel and devil then fall through holding each other]
[The guards have been transformed into a warthog, a lizard, an ostrich, a cow, an octopus, and a gorilla by Pacha]
Yzma: Get them!
Guard Turned Cow: Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?
Yzma: You're excused. Anyone else?
Guard Turned Animals: No, no. We're good.
Yzma: Get them!
[Kuzco and Pacha are running from the guards]
Pacha: One of them's gotta change you back. Try this one!
Kuzco: [drinks a potion and turns into a tortoise] Uh, Pacha, little help? [being a tortoise, cannot run away from the guards]
[Pacha grabs Kuzco and narrowly avoids the Octopus Guard's axes; he then uses Kuzco as a skateboard down the the stairway edges until they're cornered by the guards]
Pacha: [holds up another potion] Oh, please be something with wings. [uncorks the potion and gives to Kuzco]
[in a puff of pink smoke, they rise out of the rail; the smoke settles to reveal Kuzco as a red bird]
Kuzco: Yeah-ha-ha! We're flying! [reveals he is actually a tiny toucan; unable to lift Pacha's weight off the ground] Uh-oh.
[they crash onto a statue's head and Pacha runs while holding Kuzco]
Kuzco: We're not going anywhere with you picking the vial! I'm picking the next one!
Pacha: Fine by me!
Kuzco: Give me that one!
[Pacha gives Kuzco the potion, turning him into a giant sperm whale]
Kuzco: Don't you say a word.
[the bridge finally collapses and Pacha and Kuzco fall into the canals]
Yzma: Quick, drain the canals!
[Kuzco surfaces with Pacha standing on his head]
Pacha: Open up! [throws a potion into Kuzco's open mouth, turning back into a llama]
Kuzco: [delighted] Yay, I'm a llama again! [pause] Wait.
[a rumbling is heard and the water immediately drains out of the palace's nose; Kuzco and Pacha are now hanging on the nostril for dear life]
Yzma: There they go! After them!
Guard Turned Lizard: Come on, men! Nobody lives forever!
Guard Turned Animals: CHARGE!!!!
[the guards jump onto the nasal passage, but because of the slippery surface, they fall right of the nostril as Kuzco and Pacha climb up the nose]
[As Cat Yzma falls down the palace, one of the guards is arguing with a delivery man]
Palace Guard: For the last time, we did not order a giant trampoline!
Delivery Man: Y'know, you could've told me that before I set it up!
[Cat Yzma bounces off the trampoline and is now falling UP the palace]
[Kuzco, back to normal, apologizes to Rudy for throwing him out the window]
Rudy: Oh, you stop being so hard on yourself. All is forgiven.
Kuzco: You're sure?
Rudy: Ah, it's not the first time I was tossed out a window, and it won't be the last! What can I say? I'm a rebel! [begins to play-fight]
Kuzco: Easy, tiger. [Rudy accidentally hits him] Hey, I gotta use that arm later. [Rudy leaves, chuckling] Okay, buddy, take care. [smiling] Ah, he's a sweet guy.
[last lines; Kronk is now teaching the Junior Chipmunks squirrel language]
Kronk: My acorn is missing.
Junior Chipmunks: Squeak squeakin' squeak squeakity.
Kronk: Did you eat the acorn?
Junior Chipmunks: Squeaker squeak squeak squeakin'?
Kronk: You owe me a new acorn.
Junior Chipmunks: Squeak squeaker squeak squeaker...
[One of the Junior Chipmunks silently urges Cat Yzma to follow along]
Cat Yzma: [annoyed] Squeakin'.
Kronk: I'm so proud of you guys!

Cast

About The Emperor's New Groove

  • The Sweatbox is at turns infuriating, hilarious and enlightening. You’ll cringe in sympathy with the Disney artists as you see the gross bureaucratic incompetence they had to endure while working at the studio in the 1990s. The film not only captures the tortured morphing of the Kingdom of the Sun into The Emperor’s New Groove, it also serves as an invaluable historical document about Disney’s animation operations in the late-1990s. If any questions remain about why Disney fizzled out creatively and surrendered its feature animation crown to Pixar and DreamWorks, this film will answer them
  • Amid Amidi
  • Supporters of Allers' original vision still feel that if he had been given the time, money and support that the film would have been a masterpiece. Instead of the more ambitious Kingdom of the Sun, the Disney Studio decides to go with a supposedly more commercial film incorporating some of the same characters and location, Emperor's New Groove.
  • Wade Sampson

See also

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