The Honeymoon [1.1]

Alice: I don’t blame you for being nervous, Mr. Brady. This is a very important Saturday.

Mike: [puts sugar into his coffee] Why should I be nervous? What makes you think I’m nervous?

Alice: It’s the first time I ever saw you take twenty-one spoons of sugar.

Mike: [pauses] I like it sweet.

Carol: [on the phone] Im sorry Mike. Cindy thought there are real butterflies in my stomach.

Mike: You’re lucky if you only get butterflies. I’ve got six flying saucers in mine. And you're right.

Carol: [stressed, hair undone, in the middle of using make up] How could you girls sit there and say I look beautiful?

Cindy: Because we love you.

Peter: [to Mike] I once saw a movie where a man was getting married. He was so nervous he forgot to put his pants on.

Bobby: [looks under the table] You’re OK, dad.

Peter: [to Carol, about Mike] This morning he put 21 spoons sugar into the coffee

Mike: You’re exaggerating.

Bobby: But he didn’t forget his pants.

Desk clerk: Oh, Mr. Brady, you have signed this Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady and family.

Mike: Hmm, I forgot. It’s force of habit. Kids aren’t with us.

Desk clerk: But you did ask for the honeymoon suite.

Carol: Oh, it’s quite alright Mr. Pringle. You see …

Mike: [interrupts her] It’s quite alright darling. No need to explain. It’s obvious that this gentleman doesn’t dig the modern generation.

Mike: How would you girls like to come along with us?

Jan: On your honeymoon?

Carol: That’s right.

Cindy: Alright. I’ve never been on a honeymoon.

Jan: Neither have I, and I am older than you are.

Bobby: Wow, I'd love to go on a honeymoon. What should I take?

Greg: A girl, dummy!

Dear Libby [1.2]

Cindy: You cheated.

Bobby: I did not. And besides: You didn’t see me.

Cindy: I did too!

Carol: I don’t hear anything

Mike: What’s the matter with that?

Carol: Six kids and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that… I’ve never heard such a loud silence.

Alice: If there's anything I can't stand, it's a perfect kid. And six of them...YEECH!

Cindy: [upon finding out it's another family] I sure am glad we're not Harry Hopeless!

Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy [1.3]

Alice: Anyone offering a trip to Europe for the right answer?

Alice: Look who gets to go.

Cindy: [takes off blindfold] Brazil!

Cindy: [as she picks off flower petals] Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy.

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore [1.4]

Mike: It's just not gonna be the same without Alice.

Greg: Well, we can't make her stay. Abraham Lincoln put a stop to that.

Katchoo [1.5]

Carol: I'm afraid we were going to get rid of daddy!

A Clubhouse Is Not a Home [1.6]

Mike: Well then?

Greg: We're sick of doing all these things.

Peter: Do this, do that, they're a real pain.

Bobby: Yeah, they're too bossy.

Kitty Karry-All Is Missing [1.7]

[Cindy's doll has gone missing and she blames Bobby]

Greg: Come on, Bobby, you can tell us.

Bobby: What?

Peter: Where did you hide Cindy's doll?

Bobby: I didn't hide it, like I told Mom.

Peter: Honest?

Bobby: Honest.

Greg: Would you swear to it? The sacred oath?

Bobby: Even the sacred oath.

Peter: Boy, that proves he didn't take it. No sir!

[In girls' room]

Marcia: Are you sure Bobby took her?

Cindy: Sure I am, he said he hated Kitty!

Jan: I heard him say it lots of times.

Cindy: And she doesn't even have her bottle, she'll starve to death!

Marcia: Come on. (takes Cindy's hand)

Cindy: Where are we going?

Marcia: We're gonna get that doll back.

Jan: Yeah. (They leave for boys' room)

[Back in boys' room]

Peter: If Bobby didn't take it, Cindy shouldn't say he did.

Greg: Right. Come on, she can't accuse him and get away with it. (They leave for girls' room)

[Girls enter the boys' room]

Marcia: Bobby, you give Kitty back or... (they realize room is empty)

[Boys enter the girls' room]

Greg: Now listen here, Cindy, you... (they realize room is empty, Greg turns towards the open bathroom door) Come on.

[The children meet in the bathroom]

Marcia: Bobby, you give Kitty back!

Greg: You stop picking on him!

Jan: What did you do with her?

Peter: He didn't do anything with her!

Cindy: He did too!

Bobby: I did not!

Marcia: You did so!

Greg: He did not so!

Marcia: Oh yeah?

Greg: Yeah!

[Mike and Carol enter]

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on in here?

[The kids argue]

Mike: Hold it! Will somebody fill me in?

Carol: Well, Cindy's doll is missing, and the girls think Bobby took it.

Mike: Well, Bobby?

Bobby: I didn't take it!

Marcia: He did too!

Greg: He did not!

[The kids argue]

Mike: Hut! Alright, everybody into his room, come on, hurry up!

[The kids all leave for their respective rooms]

Greg: Bobby didn't take the doll, he didn't do it!

Mike: Quiet. (shuts the boys' room door)

[Mike is explaining circumstantial evidence]

Bobby: Circum-special?

Mike: No, circumstantial. It means things look different than they really are.

Cindy: You mean like when a lady puts on false eyelashes?

[After the mock trial, Greg and Bobby are playing baseball outside]

Greg: Harder.

Greg: Come on, Bobby, burn it in.

[Mike and Carol arrive home]

Mike: Hey, Greg's playing with Bobby. That little talk about fair play seems to have done some good.

Greg: Hey, dad.

Mike: Yes?

Greg: Would you burn some in for me? Bobby can't even dit my glove.

Mike: Maybe later, Greg. Why don't you ask Peter? He's a good pitcher.

Greg: Yeah, a good pitcher, but a rotten jury. Come on, Bobby.

Carol: What's that all about?

Mike: Don't ask me, I only live here.

Bobby: Now let's see, if I was a doll, where would I go?

Greg: To me, sweetheart!

A-Camping We Will Go [1.8]

Bobby: Well I guess women are okay for somethings.

(The Bradys will all go on their first camping trip together)

Marcia: But mother, us on a camping trip? We've told you it's way worse than death!

Jan: Do you expect me to sleep in a tent?

Cindy: With wild animals?

Carol: Girls, we're not going to Africa. We're just going camping.

Marcia: And camping is for boys!

Carol: Camping is for boys and girls. Why, it's so much fun falling asleep on the ground.

Jan: On the ground, all those beetles are crawling around. Yuck!

Cindy: Yeah, yuck!

Carol: Why, you haven't got the faintest idea how delightful it is out there under the stars, being lulled to sleep by the sound of crickets, and then awakening in the morning to the smell of bacon frying over an open fire.

Marcia: How many times have you been camping, Mom?

Carol: Well, never, but I've heard about it.

Jan: And I've heard about it, too, and you can count me out. (collapses on the bed)

Carol: You are counted in, young lady. We have three new brothers and a new father, and if they like camping, we like camping. Now, there'll be no more discussion about it; the decision has been made.

Sorry, Right Number [1.9]

Every Boy Does It Once [1.10]

Marcia: Hi and bye, small fry.

Peter: I'm sorry, I won't tell anybody!

Greg: Won't tell what?

Peter: I told you, I can't tell you! I promised Bobby, the only reason he told me is, cause I'm his brother.

Greg: Well, so am I, dummy!

Bobby: Nobody said goodbye to me or anything, and I didn't think they cared.

Carol: Oh sweetheart, everybody cares. And I bet you your baseball cards you can't guess who cares the most.

Bobby: You? (Carol nods) Even though I'm only a step?

Carol: Listen, the only steps in this house are those (shows Bobby the stairs), the ones that lead up to your bedroom. So how about marching right back up there?

Bobby: Hey Dad, Mom and me are back home again!

Mike: Good, cause that's where you both belong!

Vote for Brady [1.11]

The Voice of Christmas [1.12]

Alice: You're guaranteed to be cured in 24 hours.

Carol: 24 hours!!?

Alice: Unless you break out in a rash. Then you take it off.

Peter: [to Alice] You can't throw the turkey away, it's got my favorite dressing.

Cindy: He's better than a doctor, he's Santa Claus!

Greg: Now, don't let the girls catch you hiding these.

Bobby: If they catch me, should I eat the present?

Peter: Eat it! [to Greg] He's been watching too many of those spy programs.

Is There a Doctor in the House? [1.13]

Carol: Oh Alice, have you seen the thermometer?

Alice:Well lets see, the last time used was with the roast beef.

Greg: It's sure great how some people can sing while other people are dying!

Alice: You got everything here?

Carol: Well, I think so. 6 luncheon trays, 5 comic books, 4 jigsaw puzzles,...

[to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas] 3 magic tricks,

2 ice cream bars,...

Carol and Mike: And one cow bell!

Peter: What's a 5-letter word for exhaustion?

Alice: Alice!

[Greg complains about his lunch]

Mike: That's a feast fit for a king!

Greg: Well then give it to the king and give me some baloney!

Marica: Gentlemen...if you don't like the conversation in this room....

Jan: Which by-the-way happens to be a WOMAN'S room....

Marcia: True! Then you can simply VAMOOSE!

Jan: Scram!

Carol: Oh, Mike! Why don't we just put it off until you decide which doctor?

Mike: At this point I'd SETTLE for a witch doctor.

[Someone makes a comment about taking Jan's boat]

Jan: Who cares? I get seasick, anyway.

Father of the Year [1.14]

Jan: You know who has the biggest mouth in the whole wide world next to you?

Cindy: Who?

Jan: NOBODY!

54-40 and Fight [1.15]

Cindy: Me first!

Bobby: Why you?

Cindy: 'Cause I'm a lady!

Bobby: Aaaawwhhhh.

Cindy: I am a lady, if you say I'm not, I'll bop you!

Mike's Horror-Scope [1.16]

Carol: [to Beebe after Bobby and Cindy's fight ends up in her being squirted in the face with a squirt gun] ...they didn't mean any harm...!

Beebe: Neither did Frankenstein!

The Undergraduate [1.17]

Mike: Jungle fever is going around too but not in this neighborhood

Tiger, Tiger! [1.18]

The Big Sprain [1.19]

Alice: [who has just tripped] My foot played a game of Chinese checkers...and lost.

Greg (to Mike): Dad, I hate to interrupt you while you're on the phone, but...

Mike (while on the phone with Carol): No, no, honey. Listen, I mean it. I really mean it.

Greg: Peter's t-shirt got stuck in the vacuum.

Mike (makes a confused look over Greg's shoulder.

Carol (through the phone): What's all the commotion about?

Mike: Um, nothing. Me and the kids are just playing, that's all.

Greg: Peter's in the t-shirt!

Mike: What?

Brace Yourself [1.20]

Marcia: [about her braces] Tell me the honest truth. Do I look funny?

Cindy: Of course not, Marcia. You look beautiful.

Jan: Thanks, Cindy!

Cindy: But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?

Jan: [when Cindy is about to go into the bathroom] Marcia's in there.

Cindy: Daddy said to act natural--and I always barge in on Marcia when she's in the bathroom!

Alan: I can't take you to the dance.

Marcia: Why not?

Alan: Well, my parents are going out of town.

Marcia: So what?

Alan: I have to go with them.

Marcia: I don't believe you. You just don't want to be seen with a girl who has braces, like I do now. I hate you, Alan Anthony. I hate EVERYBODY!

Alan: No, wait Marcia. Honest

The Hero [1.21]

Alice: [to the deliveryman] You keep calling me sweetie, gorgeous & beautiful, and I'll follow you anywhere!

Jason: Sorry, I can't make it. I have my piano lessons.

Peter: I didn't know you knew how to play the piano.

Jason: I don't. That's why I gotta take lessons.

The Possible Dream [1.22]

Marcia: [Marcia lost her Diary and is accusing one of the boys of taking it] Okay, if you hand it right over, I won't press charges

Greg: What are you talking about?

Marcia: As if you didn't know.

Peter: Bobby, do you know what she's talking about?

Bobby: No. Greg, do you know what she's talking about?

Greg: No. Marcia, do you know what you're talking about?

Marcia: I certainly do! Someone in this room took my diary.

Greg: Your diary, you mean you actually keep one of those stupid things?

Bobby: What's a diary?

Peter: It's a book, that you write things in, that you don't want anyone else to read.

Bobby: Why?

Greg: So, you could write stuff like...

Greg: [Greg then sits at his desk imitating Marcia writing in her diary] "Dear diary, at last I met him, my dream man. It was at the delicatessen and our fingers tingled as we reached for the same potato salad."

To Move or Not to Move [1.23]

Carol: [about the first strange noise] WHAT was that?

Alice: It sounded like a cow died in the driveway.

Carol: [about the strange noises] It's probably just the wind against the shutters.

Alice: That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady... if there was a wind... or we had shutters.

Mrs. Hunsacker: You folks sure pick a strange time of the year to celebrate Halloween.

Bert Grossman: [trying to explain the strange noises] It was probably just the wind through the willow grove.

[the noises start again]

Mrs. Hunsacker: That was no wind through a willow grove.

Bert Grossman: Would you believe steeple chimes?

The Grass is Always Greener [1.24]

Lost Locket, Found Locket [1.25]

[During the re-enactment of the locket's disappearance; Bobby got back in bed]

Bobby: Can I spit out my toothpaste?

Greg: Why didn't you spit it out in the bathroom?

Bobby: You said we had to just what we did before. I didn't spit then now cause I didn't spit then. And you know somethin'?

Greg: What?

Bobby: It's hard to talk with your mouth full of toothpaste.

Peter: The suspense is killing me!

Bobby: So is the toothpaste!

The Dropout [2.1]

The Babysitters [2.2]

Mike: Gas. Did we turn the gas off?

Marcia: Dad, our stove is electric!

Marcia: A babysitter?!

Greg: For us?!

The Slumber Caper [2.3]

Marcia: Hello Jenny, this is Marcia. I called about the slumber party I'm having tomorrow night.

Jenny: I can hardly wait.

Marcia: Well, it's only for my friends.

Jenny: Sure, I'm your friend Marcia.

Marcia: Not anymore you're not. So considered yourself uninvited! [Marcia hangs up the phone]

The Un-Underground Movie [2.4]

Greg: Peter, snow!

Going, Going... Steady [2.5]

Call Me Irresponsible [2.6]

The Treasure of Sierra Avenue [2.7]

Cindy: Want a piece of licorice?

Bobby: Yeah!

Cindy: I bet you do!

A Fistful of Reasons [2.8]

Buddy Hinton: Baby talk, baby talk, it's the wonder you can walk.

Cindy: You stop that Buddy Hinton!

Buddy Hinton: Stop that! Oh witty bitty baby talk. There is no witty bitty baby talk say something. Come on, say something.

Peter: (witnesses it and intervenes) Cut that out, Buddy!

Buddy Hinton: Baby, baby, what did you say?

Peter: Quit teasing my sister!

(Peter and Cindy are walking home, until Buddy Hinton taunts them)

Buddy Hinton: Well, if it isn't Baby Talk and her big brother Chicken again.

Cindy: You leave us alone.

Mike's voice [inside his head while standing toe-to-toe with Ralph Hinton]: I'm just going to reason with him. Reasoning; calm, cool reasoning.

Mike: Oh, shut up!

Carol's voice [inside her head while talking with Mrs. Hinton]: Women are different, we'll just sit calmly and work everything out.

Carol: Oh, shut up!

The Not So Ugly-Duckling [2.9]

The Tattletale [2.10]

Carol: Strain a guppy out of his fish tank?

Greg: Tattletale!

Mike: All right, that's enough.

Cindy: But I didn't do anything wrong. Peter stained the guppy.

Mike: All right what Peter did was wrong and what you did was wrong, too. You know that's none of your business. Your tattling is not right and could get other people into trouble.

Bobby: I'm not lending everything to a snitcher!

Cindy: I'm not a snitcher. I just tell it like it is.

Bobby: Well I'm not lending you my skate key after the way you squealed on Greg and Peter!

Cindy: Okay, I'll tell what you did yesterday.

Bobby: You little fink!

What Goes Up... [2.11]

(Carol, Alice and Cindy are looking after Bobby)

Alice: (brings another pillow to rest Bobby's leg) If you ask me, I think it's a miracle.

Carol: Yes, that he only sprained his ankle.

Alice: No, I meant that it's a miracle that you have a doctor that makes housecalls.

Cindy: He didn't even ask Bobby to stick out his tongue and say "Ah".

Alice: Well, that's just when you sprain the tonsil. Come on, Florence Nightingale, you can help me in the kitchen, making hospital corners on the napkins.

Tiger: [barking and running down the stairs]

Bobby: Mom, Dad, my parakeet's loose! Tiger, stop scaring my parakeet!

(Mike got Bobby a parakeet)

Peter: Boy, a parakeet just for a sprained ankle. Can I get an alligator if I broke my leg?

Mike: No, so don't try it.

Confessions, Confessions [2.12]

Greg: Mom's favorite vase.

Bobby: She always says don't play ball in the house.

Peter: Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting?

Marcia: I do. He's gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed.

Greg: Oh, no.

Marcia: Well, somebody had to take the blame.

Greg: I told Mom I did it.

Bobby: Me too.

Jan: Thud. (collapses on the chair)

Bobby: You too? (Jan nods)

Cindy: I guess we all confessed.

The Impractical Joker [2.13]

Where There's Smoke [2.14]

Tommy Johnson: Hey man, they're just plain cigarettes.

Cindy: Greg's smoking.

Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up? [2.15]

Wig seller (Guest star Marcia Wallace): Ah, that’s our ‘Midnight Temptress’ wig.

Jan: ‘Midnight Temptress’, huh? Well, I don’t think I’ll be out that late.

The Drummer Boy [2.16]

(Peter, Jan and Cindy are practising "The Bonnie Banks o' Loch Lomond" for the glee club)

Cindy: By yon bonnie banks

Peter, Jan: And by yon bonnie braes

(Bobby's drum solo chimes in)

Peter, Jan, Cindy: Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond

Cindy: How are we supposed to practice?

Peter: You can hear these drums all the way to Loch Lomond.

Jan: Right now I wish Bobby was in the glee club.

Peter: I wish he was in Loch Lomond.

Coming Out Party [2.17]

Our Son, The Man [2.18]

Greg: Remember Dad, we're talking man-to-man, not kid-to-man man-to-man, but man-to-man, man-to-man.

The Liberation of Marcia Brady [2.19]

Peter: I am a little Sunflower; sunny, brave and true. From tiny bud to blosssom, I do good deeds for you.

Lights Out [2.20]

The Winner [2.21]

Doubled Parked [2.22]

Alice's September Song [2.23]

Tell It Like It Is [2.24]

Peter: A neck tie!?

Greg: Sure Pete. When your famous you cant look like a slob.

Bobby: Does that mean you have to wear clean socks too?

Greg: (ignoring Bobby) There, now how I look?

Peter: Like a slob with a tie!

Ghost Town U.S.A [3.1]

Grand Canyon or Bust [3.2]

The Brady Braves [3.3]

The Wheeler Dealer [3.4]

Mike: A gentle reminder, my boy: your name is Brady, not Onassis.

Carol: I don't have to be logical; I'm a mother.

My Sister, Benedict Arnold [3.5]

Greg [Describing Warren Mulaney to Marcia]: He's at the top of my crumb list! In fact, he's at the bottom of my crumb list, too. And he's every crumb in-between.

Peter: When are you going to grow up?

Bobby: When I get older.

The Personality Kid [3.6]

Peter [Impersonating Humphrey Bogart]: Porkchops and applesauce, that's swell!

Juliet Is The Sun [3.7]

Marcia: One line. It's different with me. I'm a star.

Jan: [to Marcia] Well lah-de-dah!

Cindy: What does that mean?

Jan: It means that Marcia's being a pain in the neck.

Cindy: Oh, [to Marcia] well lah-de-dah!

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor [3.8]

The Private Ear [3.9]

Bobby: You did!

Cindy: I didn't!

Bobby: You did too!

Cindy: I did not!

Greg: Hey, what are you two arguing about?

Bobby: Well, you might wanna know, she told everyone else. I got called into the principal's office for chewing gum in class!

Her Sister's Shadow [3.10]

Jan: Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Click [3.11]

Getting Davy Jones [3.12]

Peter (to Marcia): I got it! Take this down. 'To Davy Jones. Dear Sir, you have just won a 10 million dollar sweepstakes. For information, contact Marcia Brady at...'

Greg: What's that got to do with singing at the prom?

Peter: Nothing, but it would sure get his attention.

The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses [3.13]

Jan: Glasses? Oh no, Mom, not glasses. I'll look positively goofy.

The Teeter Totter Caper [3.14]

Big Little Man [3.15]

Bobby: She's right. I'm a pee-wee, I'll always be a pee-wee.

Sam: Look, don't you think I know how you feel? I had the same hangup when I was a kid, only worse.

Bobby: You did?

Sam: Yeah. Well, I weighed only 4 pounds when I was born, my old man wanted to send me back. I even flunked out of kindergarten, you know why?

Bobby: Why?

Sam: I was such a peewee the teacher kept marking me absent. (laughs)

(Carol is looking at Bobby stretching himself outside)

Mike: What are you looking at?

Carol: Bobby. You think it's good for him to stretch himself like that?

Mike: Never hurt Tarzan.

Carol: Oh, think what it did to Jane.

Mike: Honey, he's not gonna hurt himself.

Carol: He's at it all the time.

Mike: So?

Carol: Well, if his arms stretch and his legs don't, he may grow up to look like Cheetah. (both laugh)

(Bobby returns to his room to measure himself, but he's not any taller than before)

Bobby: (dejectedly) Nothing. Still the same size. (pushes the door open)

Marcia: Bobby, you got to give yourself a little time.

Bobby: Guess I better stretch more.

(Bobby returns to stretching)

(Jan and Cindy look on, Marcia joins them)

Marcia: Poor Bobby. He keeps measuring himself all the time.

Cindy: And he gets grumpier and grumpier.

Jan: No wonder, he's trying so hard to get tall.

Marcia: If he would just grow a little. Even half an inch would encourage him.

Bobby: Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!

Mike: How much?

Bobby: A whole inch and a half!

Carol: Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.

Mike: Not since yesterday.

Bobby: But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!

Cindy: No, it's only a half an inch!

Bobby: How do you know it's only half an inch?

Cindy: Well...

Mike: Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?

Cindy: I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!

Mike: Cindy!

Cindy: I'm sorry!

Bobby: Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!

Jan: No, only half an inch.

Carol: You did the same thing too? (Jan nods)

Bobby: Well, a half inch isn't bad.

Marcia: Bobby.

Carol: Oh, no.

Marcia: I guess we should have checked with each other.

Bobby: That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of! (runs off)

Mike: Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right--

Carol: They were only trying to help.

Bobby: They did it because they know it's true!

Carol: Now what's true?

Bobby: I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! (runs up the stairs)

Alice: Anything you want from the market, Mrs. Brady?

Carol: Did I leave something off the list?

Alice: No, I just thought I'd do something a little special for Bobby. Sometimes you can help a sad little heart with a happy little tummy.

Carol: Ah, that's very sweet of you, Alice. What are you going to fix him?

Alice: His favorite dessert: Strawberry tall cake.

Carol: Strawberry tall cake?

Alice: Mrs. Brady, from now on I am not using the word "short" anymore. (leaves)

(Bobby walks in)

Carol: Hi, Bobby! Hey, wait a minute, your clothes! (Bobby turns around with a black eye)

Carol: Bobby, your eye! What in the world happened?

Bobby: I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.

Carol: Tommy Huxley? He's twice as big as you are! Why doesn't he pick on somebody his own size?

Bobby: Well, I picked on him.

Carol: You started a fight? Why?

Bobby: Well, he was acting like a big shot.

Carol: Oh. Well, you weren't by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you?

Bobby: Well, I am a little shot, that all I'll ever be!

Carol: Oh, Bobby. Listen, you've heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven't you?

Bobby: Yeah, he's that funny guy that always walked around with his hand on his stomach.

Carol: Well, he was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody.

Bobby: Did he win?

Carol: Nope, just like you he got clobbered. So I really don't think that fighting is the answer. Do you, Bob?

Bobby: Not if you lose.

Dough-Re-Mi [3.16]

Peter: Cindy stuck her tongue out of me.

Carol: She's just a little girl.

Peter: She has an awfully big tongue.

Jan's Aunt Jenny [3.17]

The Big Bet [3.18]

(Bobby is training for the chin-up contest, falls from the bar)

Marcia: I don't know why are you knocking yourself out, Bobby. Greg can beat you with one hand tied behind his back.

Bobby: You welcher, I'm gonna go tell Mom and Dad!

(Greg had lost the chin-up bet against Bobby and has to act as Bobby's servant for a week)

Marcia: Will you be finished soon?

Jan: We have to get to the library before it closes.

Greg: What's that got to do with me?

Marcia: You're driving us.

Greg: (laughs) I'm not driving you to the library!

Jan: Yes you are, Bobby said so.

Marcia: We'll wait in the car.

(Mike's high school reunion is coming up, Carol tries to guess who was "Bobo" in his class)

Carol: I wonder what Bobo could be a nickname for? Let's see, Bernice Sheeran? Bernice? Bobo? (disagrees)

Mike: (trying to confuse Carol) Sally.

Carol: Sally? Oh no, how could Bobo stand for Sally?

Mike: Betty.

Carol: Betty? Betty! Bobo, Betty, Bobo, yeah.

Mike: Zelda.

Carol: (hits Mike with a pillow) Michael Brady, that's terrible! And that's for Sally, (hit) and that is for Betty, (hit) and that is for Zelda! (hit)

(Bobby invited himself along to Greg's date with Rachel)

(Greg and Rachel are at the drive-in theater in the front seat of Mike's convertible, in an embrace)

Bobby: (From the backseat) You're blocking my view! (Greg and Rachel move apart) And I want some more popcorn.

Greg: You've already had three bags.

Bobby: Then I want some pizza.

Greg: I'll be back in a minute, Rachel. (Gets out of the car)

Bobby: (Jumps into the front seat) Boy, you can really see better from up here.

Rachel: (Unenthused) Uh-huh.

Bobby: Neat movie, isn't it?

Rachel: Yeah, real neat.

Bobby: Having fun, huh?

Rachel: We're having a ball.

Bobby: You see, I told Greg if I came you wouldn't mind.

Greg: (Returns) Here's the pizza you ordered. And that's all the food you get, our bet had nothing to do with my going broke.

Rachel: Greg, wouldn't it be nice if Bobby got in the backseat to eat his pizza?

Greg: Yes, that would be nice.

Bobby: Okay! (Greg closes the car door, accidentally hits the horn, shushes Bobby) I didn't do that! Want some pizza?

Greg: No!

Bobby: How about you, Rachel? It's real good, pepperoni and onions.

Rachel: No, no thank you.

Bobby: You guys don't know what you're missing!

Greg: We know what we're missing! (Attempts to embrace Rachel again)

Bobby: You're blocking my view again!

Greg: Come on, Bobby, stop fooling around! You're not even watching the movie!

Bobby: Neither are you!

Rachel: I'll tell you what, why don't we all watch the movie.

(They watch the movie)

Bobby: It's warm in here, put the top down.

Greg: Put the top--? Now look, Bobby.

Rachel: You might as well do it, Greg.

(Greg puts the top down, causing several cars behind them to honk their horns because it's blocking their view)

(Bobby opens an umbrella, holds it over their heads)

Greg: What do you think you're doing?

Bobby: It might rain. You wouldn't want sweetiepie to get wet, would you?

Greg: Now you're just being a wiseguy. Put that umbrella away!

Bobby: I told you, it might rain!

Greg: Well, if it might rain, then I'm putting the top back up! (Retracts the roof, causing cars to honk again)

(Bobby doesn't close his umbrella, causing the tip to tear a hole in the roof. He ends up sticking the umbrella through the roof, and keeps trying to pull it out. It gets stuck, he looks at Greg)

Greg: Now you've done it! Wait till Dad sees this!

The Power of the Press [3.19]

Sergeant Emma [3.20]

Cindy Brady, Lady [3.21]

My Fair Opponent [3.22]

The Fender Benders [3.23]

Mike: ...Smashed rear taillight, crushed fender, replace muffler, repaint left side...REALIGN THE FRAMES! HOW MUCH!

Mr. Dougan: $295.11. Of course, there are some other minor things that I don't mind taking care of myself.

Carol: What? Refurnishing your house?!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike this just isn't true.

Mr. Dougan: Mrs. Brady, are you suggesting that I am lying?

Carol: And very badly too.

Mr. Dougan: I'll see you in court!

Carol: My pleasure!

Hawaii Bound [4.1]

Peter: That's Diamond Head, dumb head.

Pass the Tabu [4.2]

Peter: Bad luck, come and get me.

The Tiki Caves [4.3]

Today, I Am A Freshman [4.4]

Cyrano de Brady [4.5]

[Jan introduces her new friend Kerry Hathaway to Peter, who is instantly lovestruck]

Peter: Pleased to meet me.

Greg: How would you like to get Kerry back? Now listen, I-

Peter: I don't trust you, you stole my girl!

Greg: I did not steal your girl.

Peter: You did.

Bobby: If you guys are starting that again, I'm getting out of here.

Fright Night [4.6]

The Show Must Go On?? [4.7]

Jan, The Only Child [4.8]

(Jan is mad at her siblings)

Jan: If I were an only child, I wouldn't have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?!

Greg: You mean that, Jan?

Jan: You're right, I sure do!

Greg: Well, if that's what you want, I'm sure it can be arranged. Right, you guys? (Marcia, Peter, Bobby and Cindy agree)

Peter: You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters!

Marcia: And you can have the whole house to yourself.

Jan: Great!

Cindy: For us, too!

Greg: As far as you're concerned, we don't even exist.

Bobby: Yeah, we're not even here!

Greg: Consider us invisible! Come on, gang, let's disappear. (Everybody but Jan leaves)

(The boys return)

Peter: What are we leaving for?

Bobby: Yeah, this is our room!

(Jan leaves, Greg slams the door after her)

(Jan prepares to leave for the library, Marcia stops her)

Marcia: Hey, just a minute, you!

Jan: What? (Marcia yanks her sweater back) What do you think you're doing?

Marcia: That's my sweater!

Jan: So what? I always borrow your sweater!

Marcia: Well, not any more. You no longer have a sister named Marcia, and if there's no Marcia, there's no Marcia's sweater.

Carol: Okay, kids, okay.

Marcia: Mom, we made a deal, remember?

Carol: Yes, I remember.

Marcia: And I'm sticking to it.

Carol: Jan, do you want to stick to it?

Jan: Yes!

Marcia: Fine. I'll just take my invisible sweater and (snaps fingers) vanish. (leaves)

Jan: That's not fair!

Carol: I'm afraid it is, honey, you can't have it both ways. So long. (Jan leaves)

Career Fever [4.9]

Goodbye, Alice, Hello [4.10]

[Greg and Peter show new housekeeper Kay how Alice used to shoot the basketball]

Kay: That was Alice; I'm Kay.

Greg's Triangle [4.11]

Everyone Can't Be George Washington [4.12]

Love and the Older Man [4.13]

Law and Disorder [4.14]

Bobby: Name, please. Last name first.

[Bobby, as the new school hall monitor, had reported Cindy for an infraction and she's angry with him]

Cindy: (Takes a slice of cheese from the fridge and throws it on Bobby's plate) Here!

Bobby: What's the cheese for?

Cindy: For you! All rats eat cheese! (leaves angrily)

(Cindy is explaining her predicament to Carol)

Cindy: And he wrote down the names, even mine!

Carol: But that's his job, sweetheart.

Cindy: Yes, but I'm his very own sister!

Carol: Well, that doesn't give you any special privileges. The same rules apply to you that apply to anyone else.

Cindy: (angrily) I don't see why they should.

Carol: Let me see... I'll try to explain it to you this way. Let's say that Bobby was a policeman, and I drove through a red light. Accidentally, of course. Well, I would expect him to give me a ticket.

Cindy: Your own son?

Carol: Absolutely.

Cindy: Boy, if I ever had a son who was a policeman and he gave me a ticket, I'd give him a spanking!

[Bobby comes in, Cindy leaves angrily]

Bobby: I guess she was complaining about me.

Carol: You guessed right.

Bobby: And I guess you took her side.

Carol: You guessed wrong.

Bobby: You didn't?

Carol: No. Well, Cindy didn't like it, but you were just doing your duty.

[Bobby leaves]

Carol: I wonder if he really would give me a ticket.

[Carol and Alice find Bobby in a sea of foam from the overflowing washing machine]

Carol: What were you doing?

Bobby: Washing my clothes.

Alice: You're supposed to take your clothes off before you washed them!

(Epilogue: The Bradys are getting the boat ready)

Carol: Hey, where's Bobby?

Mike: I thought he was here, he- (Bobby arrives in very tight slacks he ruined in the washing machine earlier)

Greg: (laughing) Where did you get those?

Jan: That's tighter than your skin!

Bobby: Mom told me to wear something that wouldn't matter if it got dirty or wet.

Alice: Aren't those his good pants?

Carol: Those were his good pants. Listen, Bobby, next time before you wash something, will you check the label where it says "dry clean only"?

Greg Gets Grounded [4.15]

Amateur Nite [4.16]

(Jan had signed the kids up for an amateur show to raise money for their parents' anniversary present)

Greg: (laughs) Jan, you dingaling! We got about as much chance on getting on that show, and winning first prize, and getting the money as we do of robbing a bank!

Bobby: (suggestively) Hey!

Greg: Forget it.

(Mike, Carol and Alice are watching The Pete Sterne Amateur Hour on TV and see the kids win third prize instead of the first prize of $100 they were hoping for)

Alice: THIRD PRIZE? What a gyp! (She goes over to the TV and angrily turns it off). That's the last time I ever watch THAT crooked channel!

Bobby's Hero [4.17]

The Subject was Noses [4.18]

Marcia: Something suddenly came up.

Marcia: [to Bobby and Peter] Hey, you guys... [her nose gets hit by the football] OH! My nose!

How To Succeed in Business [4.19]

The Great Earring Caper [4.20]

You're Never Too Old [4.21]

You Can't Win 'Em All [4.22]

Carol: [to Cindy] You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. Just remember that.

Room At The Top [4.23]

Adios, Johnny Bravo [5.1]

Mail Order Hero [5.2]

Greg: Its a good composition Pete. How come you got a C-?

Peter: Read the last line.

Greg:(Reading Aloud) If George Washington never told a lie how come he got so far in politics.

Snow White and the Seven Bradys [5.3]

(Cindy tries to talk her siblings and Alice into appearing in a fundraiser play of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs")

(In the girls' room)

Jan: Me play one of the seven dwarfs?

Cindy: You liked Mrs. Whitfield, didn't you?

Jan: Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia's favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom's favorite teacher.

Cindy: Boy, she's been teaching since the older days.

Jan: You better not say that around Mom.

Cindy: Well, will you help me with the play?

Jan: Sure. If I can be Dopey.

Cindy: Well, you can't be Dopey.

Jan: Why not?

Cindy: I'm saving that part for someone special.

Jan: Who?

Cindy: Me.

(Cut to bathroom, knock on the door)

Marcia: Come in.

Cindy: Marcia, how about--

Marcia: Sure, Cindy. Anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Oh, thanks!

Marcia: Except, I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Marcia: Thin walls.

(Cindy leaves)

(Cut to Greg's room, Cindy knocks on the door)

Greg: Come in.

Cindy: Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice--

Greg: Cindy, you don't have to butter me up. I'd be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Thanks!

Greg: But I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Greg: Thin floors.

(Cut to boys' room, Cindy knocks on the door)

Peter: Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.

Bobby: That goes for me too, but I want to play Dopey.

Peter: Well, you can't be Dopey.

Bobby: Yes, I can. (door closes)

Cindy: "Snow White and the Seven Dopeys"?

(Cut to kitchen)

Cindy: Alice, how would you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?

Alice: I'd love to! Can I play Dopey?

Cindy: That part's already taken, six times.

Alice: What have you got left?

Cindy: How about the wicked queen?

Alice: You got yourself a deal. If I can't be a wacky dwarf, I'll be a wicked queen. (imitates evil laughter)

Cindy: That was good. Thanks, Alice!

(Rehearsal)

Alice: (imitating the wicked queen voice) Mirror, mirror, that I see, is there anyone prettier than me? (normal voice) How's that?

Mike: Wicked, Alice. Wicked.

Alice: (wicked queen voice) Mirror, mirror, in my.. (accidentally stirs soup with the mirror) soup?!

Brady kids and Sam: (singing) Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! (whistle) Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, we're seven in a row (whistle, Sam stops), heigh ho.

Greg/Doc: What'd you stop for, Dopey?

Sam/Dopey: Eh, I forgot which way we live, Doc!

Jan/Happy, Cindy/Grumpy: We live that way! (point in opposite directions)

Marcia/Sleepy: (yawn) Can't we get going? It's time for my nap! I'm sleepy!

Peter/Sneezy: Well, I'm catching a cold! (sneezes)

Bobby/Bashful: I know which way we live!

Greg/Doc: Which way, Bashful?

Bobby/Bashful: I'm too bashful to tell you! (laughs)

Sam/Dopey: Hey, I remember which way! We follow the yellow brick road!

Cindy/Grumpy: That's in "The Wizard Of Oz!"

Sam/Dopey: So, don't follow the yellow brick road!

Brady kids and Sam: (singing) Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! (march behind the stage)

Never Too Young [5.4]

Peter and the Wolf [5.5]

Peter/"Phil Packer": What's that wild scent you're wearing?

Linda: Buttered popcorn!

Getting Greg's Goat [5.6]

Marcia Gets Creamed [5.7]

(Marcia had just fired Peter from his job at ice cream parlor; Peter and Bobby are in the bathroom)

Peter: For no reason at all, right out of left field she fired me.

Bobby: What a rotten thing to do to your own brother.

Peter: That's what you get when you give small people power. They can't handle it.

(Marcia knocks on the door)

Marcia: Are you gonna be in there all night?

Bobby: Dictator! (leaves)

(Marcia enters the bathroom)

Marcia: You brainwashed Bobby!

Peter: No I didn't, I told him the truth. You fired me 'cause you're power-hungry.

Marcia: I fired you because you're lazy and you deserved it!

Peter: You know what you are? A company stooge!

Marcia: What's the use?

Peter: Okay, run away from the truth, you Captain Bligh Dictator!

Marcia: And you're a capital "G" goof-off!

My Brother's Keeper [5.8]

Alice: The all-American dish for the all-American hero, (everybody cheers) hot Hungarian goulash!

Cindy: Since when is Hungarian goulash American?

Alice: Since Zsa Zsa Gabor became a citizen.

(Bobby doesn't want to be with Peter, whom he's at odds with)

Bobby: Wanna play a game or something, Alice?

Alice: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Bobby, not tonight. I gotta go to bed early, I didn't sleep very well last night.

Bobby: Why not?

Alice: Well, I stayed up half the night, watching one of those TV horror movies, "The Demon of Devoured Detroit", gave both of us heartburn. (leaves, Greg comes in)

Bobby: Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg?

Greg: Sorry, I got a date. I'll see you later.

(Bobby walks into the living room, seeing his sisters leaving)

Bobby: Hey, where are you going?

Marcia: We're gonna spend the night at my friend Helen's house.

Bobby: How come?

Jan: That wallpaper post made our room smell to icky.

Cindy: Have fun. (the girls leave)

Bobby: Yeah. Whoopee.

(Mike and Carol are leaving)

Mike: Good night, son.

Carol: Don't stay up past your bedtime.

Bobby: I might as well go to sleep right now, there's nobody around here to do anything with.

Carol: Oh, now, Bobby, Peter's home.

Bobby: That's the same thing as being alone.

Quarterback Sneak [5.9]

Try, Try Again [5.10]

The Cincinnati Kids [5.11]

The Elopement [5.12]

(Bobby is practicing playing "Yankee Doodle" on a portable organ, Peter and Cindy look on)

Bobby: How am I doing now?

Cindy: It still sounds awful, but you're playing a lot faster.

Peter: So it's awful for less time.

Bobby: Hardy-har-har.

Miss Popularity [5.13]

Kelly's Kids [5.14]

Mrs. Payne: My husband and I have even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros down the street.

Ken: Well, congratulations, you've just received the "Neighbor of the Year" award.

Mrs. Payne: I consider that remark uncalled for!

Ken: If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it's all yours, baby!

Kathy Kelly (Talking about Mrs. Payne): She makes Archie Bunker sound like a liberal!

The Driver's Seat [5.15]

(Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers on Cindy's bed, Jan walks in)

Bobby: I win.

Jan: Maybe Bobby cheated.

Cindy: Did you cheat?

Bobby: No, Jan just got a big mouth and bad eyes.

Jan: He didn't really cheat, Cindy.

Cindy: Then why did you say that?

Jan: It's a debating tactic. I force Bobby into defending himself by accusing him of something.

Bobby: I get enough accusing around here from mom and dad.

Jan: Hey, you two accuse me of something and I'll defend myself.

Bobby: Okay. I accuse you.. of being weird. (leaves the room)

Jan: I'm on the debating team at school and I really need practice. Choose a subject and pick a side.

Cindy: Okay. I pick Bobby's side, you are weird. (leaves)

Jan: Won't anybody around here debate me? (picks up Cindy's Kitty Karry-All doll) You, pick a side.

(Greg lost the bet with Marcia and has to do her chores for a month)

(Epilogue: Peter is reading a magazine on the backyard patio. Bobby and Cindy arrive on bikes)

Bobby: Peter, will you be our judge?

Peter: For what?

Cindy: Bobby and I made a bet on who's the best bike rider.

Peter: What did you bet?

Bobby: Same thing as Greg and Marcia. The person who comes closer to the stopline without going over wins.

Cindy: And the loser has to do the winner's chores for a whole year.

Peter: Well, first you better look at something, Bobby. (points to Greg doing ironing)

Bobby: Ain't too easy to beat a dumb ol' girl anyway. (leaves)

Cindy: Chicken.

Out Of This World [5.16]

(Peter and Bobby are camping out in the backyard, waiting for their "UFO" to appear)

(Jan and Cindy come outside)

Cindy: Hey, did the UFO land yet?

Bobby: No, do you see one?

Jan: Oh, well we thought that maybe you hid it in your sleeping bags.

Peter: Look, if you just came out here to make jokes, you can leave.

Bobby: Yeah!

Cindy: Oh, we believe in flying objects, Peter.

Jan: It's just that flying objects don't believe in us.

Peter: (hops up) Listen, if you guys aren't out of here in three seconds, you're both gonna be flying objects!

Jan: Ooh, quiver!

Cindy: Quake, quake!

Peter: Blast off!

(Greg and Marcia were playing a trick on Peter and Bobby with the "UFO")

Alice: Anybody for more flapjacks? Right off the grill and still flappin'?

Cindy: Oh yeah, Alice!

Jan: Me too.

Greg: No, I gotta get going.

Marcia: Same here.

Alice: Aren't you gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby's UFO pictures turned out?

Greg: No, in their case I think "UFO" means "Undoubtedly Flipped Out".

Marcia: Hey Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.

Welcome Aboard [5.17]

(Carol broke the news to the kids that their cousin Oliver will come to live with them)

Bobby: Hey Cindy, now you and me won't be the youngest, we'll have somebody to push around.

(The boys' room, Oliver is snoring loudly)

Bobby: (annoyed) Hey, Pete! Pete, you sleeping?

Peter: Are you kidding? Who can sleep with that buzz-saw going?

Bobby: Yeah, for a little guy, he sure snores big.

Peter: Sounds like the MGM Lion.

Bobby: How are we going to get any sleep?

Peter: I've read once where you can stop people from snoring by rolling them over. Let's try it.

Bobby: All right.

(Peter and Bobby try to roll Oliver over)

Bobby: He's heavier than he looks.

(Peter and Bobby fall on the floor, breaking the lamp on nightdesk)

Oliver: Would you guys be a little bit more quiet? A guy can't get any sleep around here!

(Mike in lecturing Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy about Oliver)

Mike: I'm surprised at you. You had poor Oliver shaken up.

Jan: But we had no idea he was listening, Dad.

Cindy: Or else we would have closed the window.

Mike: Honey, that's not the point.

(Mike confronted the four younger kids about their "jinx" business against Oliver)

Cindy: Boy, I guess that means Oliver has to come with us on the tour of the movie studio Saturday.

Jan: Yeah.

Peter: I sure hope we don't have any more of those so-called coincidences.

Bobby: Yeah, just when we ask for an autograph, we get hit by a truck.

Two Petes In a Pod [5.18]

Top Secret [5.19]

The Snooperstar [5.20]

(Marcia and Jan try to find out if Cindy is snooping in Marcia's diary)

(They enter Peter and Bobby's room)

Marcia: Passing through.

Jan: Gotta use the bathroom.

Peter: You got a door on your side!

Marcia: It's stuck! (The girls get into the bathroom)

Bobby: Now I know why hermits want to be hermits.

(The girls return from the bathroom, the same way)

Marcia: Passing through.

Bobby: What is this, a freeway?

Jan: Oh, we just couldn't stand being away from you two beautiful people.

(The girls leave, Peter blocks the door with a chair)

(Cindy and Oliver arrive home with a record album, Peter and Bobby are playing football in the yard)

Peter: Hey, what's in the bag?

Cindy: A record album.

Bobby: What kind?

Cindy: The round kind.

Oliver: With a hole in the middle.

Bobby: (laughs sarcastically) Very funny. Let's see it. (tries to grab the album from Cindy, but Cindy snatches it back)

Peter: What's the big secret?

Cindy: You know what the secret is.

Oliver: Yeah, and you guys better treat Cindy nice! She's gonna be rich and famous and I'm gonna help her!

Peter: What are you two gonna do, rip off a bank?

Bobby: Yeah, Bonnie and Clyde! (The older boys laugh)

Cindy: (sarcastically) Very funny.

Oliver: Yeah! (leaves inside with Cindy)

The Hustler [5.21]

The Hair-Brained Scheme [5.22]

(Greg looks in the mirror and is shocked to see that his hair has turned orange on account of Bobby's hair tonic)

Greg: Tomorrow's graduation and I've got...ORANGE HAIR!

Oliver: You know something, Cindy?

Cindy: What?

Oliver: I think your mother has a problem discussing sex.