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That '70s Show (1998–2006) is an American television sitcom centered on the lives of a group of teenagers living in the fictional town of Point Place, Wisconsin during the late 1970s.

Garage Sale [2.1]

[Kitty suggests something for Hyde to do at a garage sale.]

Kitty: Oh, Steven, I have a great idea: you can sell lemonade.

Hyde: Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands... and Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!

Kitty: You could have a little bake sale.

Hyde: I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.

Kitty: Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..

Hyde: I'm not much of — brownies. I could make brownies because [stands] people love brownies!

Eric: No, they DON'T.

Hyde: Oh, they love my brownies!

Eric: You dance with Mary Jane, you get your toes stepped on. That's right. Consequences, my friend. Yeah, consequences. Now my car's gone and Red's high as a kite.

[Red, Kitty, Bob, and Midge get stoned in the basement after eating Hyde's special brownies]

Red: You know...I'm glad the plant is closing. It frees me up to do my own thing.

Kitty: [laughing] You said, "Do my own thing!"

Midge: Oh Red, your own thing. That's so hip!

Bob: [eating chips] I love salt.

Red: I like that word, hip. It kinda pops, you know? Hip, hip, hip. I can see my own mouth!

Kitty: You know what’s beautiful? Fruitcake. All the different colored little fruits living together in one cake.

Midge: I jumped out of a cake once.

Bob: I also like sweet, but there's just something about salt.

Red: Hip. It starts to lose its meaning after a while, you know? Hip. It's not even a word.

Kitty: [as someone knocks on the door] Oh my God, listen, you can hear my heart! Oh my God, there it is again!

Midge: No, that's someone at the door.

Bob: Maybe it's the cops.

Red: It's just someone for the garage sale. Take whatever you want! It won’t fill the hole in your life. I’ll see who it is [gets up to answer the door].

Kitty: You know, for a terrible grouch, Red is great in bed.

Midge: [starts laughing] I'm sorry, what?

Red: [singing] Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way!

Kitty: Where'd you go, Red?

Red: Well, I was hopping down the old bunny trail, and this guy offered me $200 for the Vista Cruiser. So I sold it to him.

Kitty: You sold Eric's car? Oh no. [laughs hysterically]

Red's Last Day [2.2]

Kitty: Ohhh! You're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt!

Laurie: Yeah. Mother, I went there.

Kitty: No. You flunked out of there. You might as well wear your "University of I Wasted My Father's Money" sweatshirt! Take it off. [Laurie begins to take the sweatshirt but Kitty stops her halfway after seeing her with only a bra underneath]

Hyde: So, what's new? Kelso?

Kelso: [fidgets excitedly] Oh, man! I mean nothing. So, Eric, isn't your sister hot?

Eric: ...No. In fact Kelso, I think you're the only loser here who thinks she is hot.

Fez: Not true. I have pictured her naked hundreds of times. But just this morning, I was taking a shower...

Hyde: Come on, Fez, man! It is absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful to talk about how hot somebody else's sister is. No matter how bad you wanna give it to her. Right Kelso?

Kelso: Oh, man! Oh, man! I...[chuckles]

Hyde: What is it boy? Is there trouble? Is there something you wanna tell us about...Eric's sister?

Kelso: [holds thumbs up] I TOTALLY DID IT WITH HER! [to Eric] I'm sorry man.

Eric: WHAT?!

Kelso: I—I mean, she took advantage of me. I'm—I'm violated.

Hyde: You idiot, your thumbs are still up!

Kelso: [puts thumbs down] Huh, acting's hard.

Eric: Hey, shut up, perv! That's my sister! Come on!

Fez: I know. It is forbidden...taboo, titillating.

Hyde: Isn't it ironic that titillating has the word "tit" in it?

Kelso: [laughing] Oh, man! That reminds me...

Eric: No, SHUT UP! I swear to God, you say one more word about my sister, and I'm gonna tell Jackie.

Kelso: ...Man. I forgot about Jackie.

Hyde: Right, right. You forgot you have this huge, bitchy anchor tied around your neck. I mean, pffft, it could happen.

[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]

Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]

Hyde: [To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.

Red: Good for you, Steven.

Hyde: I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.

Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]

The Velvet Rope [2.3]

Jackie: My parents are gonna be out late tonight, and we have to study.

Kelso: Study? No, what a gyp! I'm going to the club!

Jackie: No! No, no, Michael, you're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... study.

Kelso: Fine! God, I never get to do anything fun.

Hyde: God, you're dumb.

Kelso: I guess that's why I gotta go study.

Kitty: Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.

Eric: That's because I don’t know what it is.

Kitty: Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!

Eric: Mom, why aren't you eating it?

Kitty: Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.

Hyde: Is this rabbit?

Kitty: No!

Laurie: Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?

Kitty: Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.

Red: [walks in dressed in a suit and tie] So: would you hire me?

Laurie: I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world’s best father.

Eric: Oh, you make me sick.

[Hyde is trying to guess what Kitty has served for breakfast.]

Hyde: Oh, I know! It's tongue! [Kitty says nothing; to Eric] It's tongue.

Laurie and the Professor [2.4]

[Donna and Midge are hanging out]

Donna: So ... here we are ... together... again.

Midge: Hmm, I'm just loving the time we spend together Donna. In my new book 'Our Mothers, Our Selves,' it says we're supposed to be friends. We should talk to each other and listen. Your stupid father never listens.

Donna: Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?

Midge: Well I don't know, I've only read the first chapter. Oh, okay, no more talking about your father. So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?

Donna: They're awesome!

Midge: Good! Cause your father's an ass!

Laurie: Good morning, orphan.

Hyde: Good morning.

Laurie: That's all you got?

Hyde: [waits for Red to leave the kitchen] Whore.

Eric: Kelso, what are you doing?

Kelso: I need a sexy memento from Laurie. I gotta commemorate our forbidden love. With panties!

Eric: Fine, just take your panties and go home. [Kelso puts panties in his pocket] Man, those are my mom's! Come on!

[Kelso recoils and throws the panties away]

Hyde: OK, Forman. Look, man, I'm not telling you how to live your life, but if someone touched my mom's panties...

Eric: Hyde, didn't...everyone touch your mom's panties?

Kelso: Burn! Man, that was a burn.

[Red and Kitty talk with Professor Stark, who farts in class again]

Red: So, what does she need to do to get back into school?

Professor Stark: Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.

Kitty: Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?

Eric: Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.

Laurie: [thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!

Eric: It was just...it was so surprising.

Hyde: Oh Eric, do tell!

Eric: I saw Laurie....

Stark: I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!

Red: That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

Halloween [2.5]

Fez: So you're telling me, if I were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me free candy?

Eric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso, and Jackie: YES!!!

Fez: Oh I don't believe you!

[Cutaway to Fez at someone's door dressed as Batman]

Fez: Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? WHERE'S MY CANDY, YOU SON OF A BITCH?!

[Person slams door in his face]

[The guys listen to Eric telling lame ghost stories]

Eric: And the man said, "Here's your daughter's sweater. She left it in my car last night." And the woman said, "Why, that's impossible. My daughter died ten years ago. Wearing that...very...sweater."

Hyde: So?

Eric: So, she was dead. And...he gave her a ride. And she was dead!

Fez: When I was six, the mayor of our town was hung from a tree. Your story was not scary.

Eric: Not scary? The ghost of a dead girl gave him her sweater!

Hyde: What does a ghost need with a sweater, man?

Kelso: Maybe it's to keep her guts from fallin' out.

Fez: You can tell it was not scary because Michael-ina here did not run screaming for the door.

Kelso: Hey! Where is it written that a guy has to protect his girl, huh? And I'll have you know that the feminine form of my name is Michelle!

Hyde: Look, Michelle. I don't wanna come out in favor of saving Jackie, but that's the price you pay for docking your love boat in Jackie Vallarta.

Eric: OK, so Ichabod Crane lived in the village of Sleepy Hollow.

Fez: Wait, don't tell me! He left his jacket somewhere.

Eric: OK, that's it! Halloween's over!

Hyde: Wait a minute, you're 18?

Kelso: Yeah. That's why I've always seemed more mature than you guys.

Hyde: Are you telling me that all this time you could have been buying us beer?!

Fez: [gasps] You bastard.

Kelso: No! It's not what you think!

Hyde: You're dead to me.

Kelso: Well, Eric ruined your life.

Hyde: And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.

Red: I mean, he's an ass. And he's dumb. He's a...dumbass!

[The gang watch Texas Chain Saw Massacre in the theater]

Eric: Oh, she's very good.

Donna: I like her. I hope she lives. [the girl gets killed seconds later] Huh. Oh, well.

Jackie: Why doesn't anyone just shoot him? I mean, it's Texas. Everyone has a gun.

Kelso: [covers his eyes when another girl gets killed] Yeah, yeah, this movie's so lame.

Hyde: Man, she deserved it. She had sex. And like all movie sluts before her, she must die.

Fez: No! She was about to take her shirt off!

Vanstock [2.6]

[The gang is heading to Vanstock. Kelso and Laurie are in the forward section of the van]

Kelso: So, you wanna shift?

Laurie: It's an automatic.

Kelso: I know.

Jackie: [jumps out from behind the curtain] Surprise!

Kelso: AAAAAAAHHHH!

[Red fantasizes a scene in the manner of a soap opera]

Announcer: And now, another episode of Point Place.

Red: My god Kitty. What have I become?

Kitty: I don't know. You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.

Red: [faces her] What are you saying?

Kitty: I am Kitty. But I am leaving you for Dr. Cloak. Or should I say, [faces camera] Eric's real father.

Red: But why?

Kitty: He has a job. What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have?

Red: [dramatically bites his fist] I've got nothing. [Kitty cries] Dear God. Will I ever work again? [puts his face in his hands, sobs, and peers through his fingers.]

[Cuts to Red sitting in the kitchen, Kitty enters]

Kitty: Penny for your thoughts.

Red: Well, one thing I'm thinkin' - I've gotta stop watchin' the damn soaps.

I Love Cake [2.7]

Donna: How do you do that?

Eric: Do what?

Donna: You always make me feel better.

Eric: Uhm, well thank you.

Donna: I love you, Eric.

Eric: I love... cake.

Eric: Guys, let me ask you something. Donna told me she loves me, and then I told her I love cake. That's not bad, is it? I'm...I'm still cool, right? [the other guys stare at Eric in disbelief] OK, I don't know what happened. I just panicked, and it popped out. I mean...I don't remember wanting to ever talk about cake. It...I wasn't really that hungry.

Fez: Cake is good. But you cannot have sex with cake. Of course you cannot have sex with Donna either, so...

Kelso: Yeah, man. You should have just lied and told her that you loved her. "I love you, baby." See, and I don't love you. Isn't that great?

Hyde: He does love her, you dolt. Right?

Eric: OK, well...if I admit it, are you guys gonna make fun of me?

Fez: Oh, Eric, love is not a joke. This is a joke. Knock, knock.

Kelso: Who's there? Look, if you really do love her...there's only one thing to do, man. You gotta dump her and live free! [laughs]

Hyde: Don't listen to him, man. He's stupid! Here's what you gotta do: She said it, so now you gotta say it. Then she'll say it back, and everything will be OK. Oh, and get her pizza. 'Cause right now, I kinda love Kelso.

[Jackie introduces a leather-jacketed Kelso to Hyde and Fez]

Jackie: Ummm...may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso! [applauds as Kelso runs up the driveway]

Kelso: Yeah..sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. [mimics Brando voice] Yeah, I’m so Brando!

Hyde: Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie!

Kelso: What are you even saying?

Hyde: I think you know what I’m saying... [imitating Fonzie] 'EYYY!!

Kelso: Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz?

Jackie: No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although, I mean, I like the Fonz you know he’s kinda...

Kelso: Fez?! Fonz, yes or no?

Fez: Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy.

Kelso: Thank you Fez!

Fez: Now, if I could just have a moment of your time...?

Kelso: Sure!

Fez: Good, yes. Okay a gang of thugs has taken over Arnold's! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope!

Kelso: I can’t believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys can’t even see that! Well you can both just...

Hyde: Sit on it? [Kelso runs off, with Jackie following him]

Sleepover [2.8]

Leo: So, do you like photos, man?

Hyde: Yeah, man. Sure.

Leo: Okay, you got the job, man.

Hyde: Just like that? You don't need to interview anyone else?

Leo: No one else showed up, man.

Hyde: So, what do I do here, anyway?

Leo: Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere. Hey, listen. If you see one of these huts, could you give me a call, man?

Hyde: Or even better, I could take a picture.

Leo: Whoa, a picture of a Photo Hut. Hey, that'd be like art or something, huh. Hey, listen, man. Hope you don't mind if I pay you in cash. I don't like big brother gettin' into my business, you dig.

Hyde: Man, keeping the government out of it. I'm so with you.

Leo: No, my big brother, man. He's always hittin' me up for money.

Hyde: Oh, 'cause you're the responsible one?

Leo: Yeah, it's my curse, man. Hey, listen. I gotta go, uh, do a thing at, uh, a place.

Hyde: Yeah, man, I hear that. So, want me to lock up when I'm done?

Leo: Lock up? Wow, that's a great idea, man. Hey, you're one of those idea men, aren't ya, man?

Hyde: Yeah, maybe some day you'll be working for me, huh.

Leo: Really? Oh, that'd be cool, man. Hey, but can I have Saturday night off? Cool!

Hyde: So where’s Donna, man?

Eric: Donna? Donna? Oh! You mean that girl who spent last night in my bed?

Hyde: Yeah, yeah, that’s the one.

Eric: She went home this morning.

Hyde: So? Ah? Ah? Soooo?

Eric: So let’s just say she went home a very happy woman.

Hyde: Hey guys, check this out, man. Forman had Donna in his bed last night, and he didn't even do it! What's up!

Kelso: [laughs] You're a bonehead, man!

Eric: I'm not a bonehead! I mean, we did other stuff. And we cuddled, it was great!

Fez: Sometimes when I'm alone, I just love to cuddle.

Hyde: Forman, she climbed up the trellis of your house, through your window to get into bed with you, and cuddle? Sorry, man. I never read that letter in Penthouse.

Kelso: Those stories are true, you know. Why would you just cuddle with her when you can do it? I mean, Forman...doing it is it. That's why they call it, it. IT!

Eric: Guys, it was just one night. There's gonna be lots of other nights!

Fez: Eric, opportunity does not knock, and then ring the doorbell, and then knock again, and then leave a notice that says, "Sorry, I missed you," and then call you on the phone...

Hyde: Hey, hey, we get it, Fez. And we get it. What my foreign friend here is trying to say, Forman, is that you blew it, man. And you blew it, man!

Kelso: I'm losing my patience with you, man. You gotta get with her! I mean, there's nothing more beautiful than when two people fit together perfectly like...well, like two of these potato...[notices the Pringles stack he's holding] HOW DO THEY DO THIS?!

Eric Gets Suspended [2.9]

[Eric is being punished for "smoking." Red has him sweeping out the garage. Bob blames Eric for Donna failing English.]

Red: Well, that's kind of stupid, Bob.

Bob: Well, I guess the truth hurts.

Red: So does a swift kick in the ass.

Bob: All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!

Red: I gotta disagree, Bob!

Eric: Uh, Dad... thanks for...

Red: KEEP SWEEPING, SMOKER!

Hyde: Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.

Kelso: Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?

Donna: Because he's stupid.

Kelso: [terrified] They can do that?

Red's Birthday [2.10]

[Red is asked to make a birthday wish on his night out with Kitty. Bob and Midge are also present, with their own dates]

Red: Riiight. Now I’m gonna eat this steak, but first, I’m gonna make a birthday wish. Here it is: I wish everyone would shut up!

Jackie: Say it.

Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.

Jackie: Again.

Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.

Jackie: Again.

Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.

Fez: Aiiii SHUT UP! I am going insane! Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do [takes Jackies hand] I as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, you are a goddess, and I worship you. And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy...

Kelso: [takes Jackie's hand] Okay, what he said!

Jackie: Oh Michael! [kisses Michael while Fez wears Stupid Helmet and hits the table]

Laurie Moves Out [2.11]

Eric: Laurie's busted. This is, and I don't think I'm exaggerating here, the greatest day in the history of time.

Fez: Except maybe the day cheese was invented. I love the cheese.

Kelso: Man, I'm having a horrible day. Laurie's gone, and now Jackie's all suspicious of me. And I'm getting no lovin'! None! I can't be me without lovin'.

Hyde: Kelso...if you wanna keep Jackie, man—and trust me, you don't—you gotta act innocent. OK? Let's practice. So, did you fool around with Laurie?

Kelso: You know I did!

Hyde: Dumbass! No, man! Complete denial! Watergate, learn! [sighs] ...Did you fool around with Laurie?

Kelso: Yeah. Wait, no! I mean, no! Wait, I mean...yeah. Oh, see, this isn't gonna work!

Kelso: [While in the circle] I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie. But I was just amusing myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.

Fez: Unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off. It's almost Tuesday, right?

Eric's Stash [2.12]

[The guys are putting in a new water heater]

Eric: This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.

Red: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?

Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?

Red : That's right.

[Red has admitted getting Eric's Candy Land money stash to buy a new water heater]

Red: Okay Eric, I'm sorry I took your money...while I clothe you, and feed you, and put a roof over your head. Soooorry.

Kelso: You guys know what a funny word is? Pickle-weasel!

Hunting [2.13]

[Kelso is insisting on firing his hunting rifle while in Red's car on the way to a hunting lodge]

Kelso: I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!

Fez: Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.

Eric: Whoa, Fez, shut up.

Red: [overhears remark] What did you say?

Fez: [pause] Nothing.

Bob: [grumbles] Foreigners...

Red: I hear ya.

Hyde: Man, I am at one with nature right now! Thanks for the pheasant, Fez. Pheasant Fez, pheasant Fez.

Fez: Yes, beautiful black pheasants.

Bob: Black pheasants. ...Wait. Pheasants aren't black.

Kelso: Well, black is beautiful. I wish Jackie was black.

Hyde: What did you feed us, Fez?

Fez: They were pheasants! They went, "Ca-caw!" "Ca-caw!"

Hyde: You fed us a crow? You're not supposed to eat crow, man! You just brought some bad juju on us all! We ate somebody's soul, man!

Fez: I know. I have eaten someone's delicious soul.

Kelso: [pulls out his hunting rifle] Hey, good news, guys. I found my gun!

[Everyone immediately leaves the circle]

Kelso: What? It's probably not loaded.

[Eric sees a deer.]

Eric: [to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest, just like...Bambi's dad. It's beautiful.

Red: [shoots deer] Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record, Eric, I'm the king of the forest.

Red's New Job [2.14]

[Kelso tries to find food in the Formans' cupboards.]

Donna: Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.

Kelso: Yeah, right.

Eric: Nah, it’s true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.

Kelso: Man, how’s come everything that’s good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I’m trying it!

Kitty: [enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don’t eat our beets! [gets can]

Jackie: You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman’s right. You’re horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]

Kelso: Oh my God, are you serious?

Jackie: What?

Kelso: Nothing!

Eric: Man, Red went ballistic on me. I mean, I want to keep the job, but... I really don't want to wear my ass for a hat. 'Cause... you know, he said he could do that, and I believe him.

Hyde: Come on, Forman. Fight the power, man! That way I can have your room after Red kills you. Although I'm not sure an ass hat is fatal.

Fez: You know what would be a good job for me? Gigolo. The loving is over. Now, pay me!

Kelso: So Laurie's been talking a lot lately, right? She's saying she wants a relationship, you know. And I kept waiting for the dirty part. ...But the dirty part never came.

Eric: Kelso, I have a real problem here, okay? I'd like to talk about that.

Kelso: Right. ...You know, dating two girls wasn't supposed to be like this!

[Kitty awaits the outcome of Red's Price Mart supervisor interview]

Hyde: I’ll be in the basement.

Kitty: No, you sit!

Hyde: Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I’m family!

Laurie: Not to me, freak.

Hyde: You are so going to end up in porno!

Kitty: [sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]

Eric: Right to the bar. Not a good sign.

Red: What are you all looking at? Don’t you think that...Price Mart’s new supervisor deserves a drink?

Kitty: Yay!

Red: Yeah, I got it!

Eric: Hey, congratulations, Dad.

Red: Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you’re fired.

Eric: What, you can’t do that!

Red: Yes I can! You’re fired!

Eric: Hey, you know what? I’m not fired.

Red: Ok, if it’s so important to you, you’re not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!

Hyde: God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?

Eric: [laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.

Red: I know!

Burning Down the House [2.15]

[Red alerts Kitty about Bob wearing a toupee]

Kitty: No hair?

Red: None...well, a little.

Kitty: Well what are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?

Red: Geez Kitty, I don’t know. I barely looked.

Kitty: Ok I need a visual aid. [gets a Wooly Willy]

Red: It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.

Kitty: Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy. [watches Red sketching] Uh huh, ok, uh huh [Red shakes the board so all the hair falls off Wooly Willy to show her the final product]

Kitty: [astonished] Really.

[at Jackie's dinner party, a drunk Eric serenades Donna with his own version of Hey Paula. Schoolmate Timmy is on the piano]

Eric: Hey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will ever do, I’ve waited so long for [voice cracks] school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you [high-pitched] hey hey Donna!!

Donna: Eric, get down off there right now!

Eric: What’s the problem Donna?

Timmy: Yeah, what’s the problem Donna?

Donna: Timmy, go get your pants on or I’ll beat the crap out of you! [Timmy runs out of the room] Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?

Eric: Oh yeah baby.

Donna: [grabs trophy Eric uses as microphone] Well, tighten up baby. When the house is on fire, the party’s over.

Eric: Well, hey, this was your idea.

Donna: Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink.

Eric: Well I’m new at this [grabs the trophy back] so sue me. [sings again] Sue, sue, sue me!! Sue me Donna!

The First Time [2.16]

[Fez tries out Twister on his own]

Fez: Ok, here we go. [spins the spinner] Right hand blue. [does game behind the couch.]

Eric: Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.

Fez: That's where you're wrong, my friend. [pause] Right leg green. Oh, that's gonna be tough. [leg appears above the couch, then he slowly puts it back down]

Hyde: Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.

Fez: Take a message.

[Midge and Bob recites their vows]

Midge: Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife. [camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes an ok sign]

Bob: We've known each other since we were practically kids.

Midge: So we know all the good stuff...

Bob: ...and all the not so good stuff about each other. [Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.]

Midge: I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.

Bob: Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.

Midge: No matter what happens...

Bob: Good or bad...

Midge: I will always love you. [Donna mouths the same words to Eric at the same time]

Kitty: Awww!

Afterglow [2.17]

Bob: Hey, there kids, where've you two been?

Donna: God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!

Eric: To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.

[Donna separately asks Kitty, Laurie, and Midge how their own first times felt]

Donna: Okay, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?

Midge: Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.

Laurie: My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!

Kitty: Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!

Midge: Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!

Laurie: No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.

Kitty: Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!

Midge: I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?

Laurie: I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.

Kitty: And it was just wonderful. Eventually.

Hyde: Look, man. If God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!

Fez: Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex. ...Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez...am still a virgin.

Eric: [sarcastically] Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine, Hyde. But now that the middle-aged hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?

Kelso: Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making it with your sister. I got it! You should make it with my sister!

Hyde: Kelso, man, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be for a long time.

Kelso: Hyde, what are you saying?

Eric: Well, I think he's saying..."Moooo!"

Fez: Okay, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere...has still not had sex.

Hyde: Yeah, heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doin' wrong, man. And fast. You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? Just friends.

Kelso: Yeah, but you can't let the pressure get to you. I mean, don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried, and you couldn't. How she'd stare at you with those cruel black eyes. As if to say..."You're not really a man, Michael! You're not a man at all!!"

Eric: ...O...kay. Well this has been...really helpful, guys.

Fez: Alright, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin. [chuckles] ...Yes, I am.

Kitty and Eric's Night Out [2.18]

Donna: Jackie, you are so totally hot for him. I can see it in your eyes.

Jackie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I like Fez? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [runs off]

Eric: I'm going to a movie. With my mom.

Hyde: He's got a special night out with Mommy.

Kelso: Hey, maybe you'll get lucky. [everyone stares at Kelso] ...And your mom will pay for the movie! God, you people are sick!

[Arriving home after watching Annie Hall]

Eric: Hey, do you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?

Kitty: Oh, I'd love to.

Eric: Very cool. Good night, Mom. [kisses Kitty on cheek before going to the kitchen. Red walks in as Kitty starts to cry.]

Red: Oh, what'd he do? I swear I'll kick his ass!

Parents Find Out [2.19]

Red: How stupid do you think I am? We know what you were doing in the car.

Kitty: No. We don't know.

Red: Yes we do.

Kitty: No. We don't know.

Laurie: [cheering] I do!

Eric: Of course you do! You...majored in it!

[at the planned meeting with three radio babes, Fez decides to stay behind and take his chances with three old women at the entrance to a club]

Fez: Hello my lovelies, I am Julie. Which one of you is Hot-To-Trot?

Girl's Voice: Julie?

Fez: [turns around] Yes? [sees attractive girls walk up to him]

Girl No 1: You made it! I'm Hot-to-Trot.

Girl No 2: I'm Foxy Lady!

Girl No 3: And I'm Nice-and-Easy!

Fez: You're not fat. Or old at all!

Nice-and-Easy: Of course not! We're gymnasts.

Fez: Dear, Penthouse... [girls smile]

Kiss of Death [2.20]

[Eric starts to drive the car into the garage]

Eric: What the...?

Red: You're moving it a foot and you hit something. Jeez.

Eric: Oh my God! Its... Its Mr. Bonkers.

Red: Wow. That is one dead cat.

[At the Forman kitchen, Kelso tells Laurie that they must break up]

Kelso: I don’t wanna live with this lying anymore. Because I only love Jackie.

Laurie: Okay. So, do you wanna go up to my room and have sex?

Kelso: Uh...sure! [Realizes what he’s doing] No, wait! No! [releases Laurie and turns around so his back is to the kitchen's garage entrance] No! Okay, I...this...Laurie, I...I’m serious. We’re over.

Laurie: Wow. I think you really mean it.

Kelso: I totally do.

Laurie: [sees Jackie just outside the garage] Okay, Kelso, you’re free! You know what I’d like, though? Just one last goodbye kiss.

Kelso: Um...okay, well sure. [kisses Laurie. Jackie is shocked and rushes in]

Jackie: Michael!

Kelso: [lets go of Laurie] Jackie! We were...[Jackie runs away] No, there was...

Laurie: Wow, how ironic, huh? [leaves the room. Kelso bangs his head against the wall]

Kelso: Eric, you don't know how lucky you are. I would give anything to be able to tell Jackie I killed her cat.

Hyde: Nothing sadder than when two people break up. Except this time when it's funny.

Kelso's Serenade [2.21]

Kelso: God, I miss Jackie. I can't sleep, I can't think. I can still eat, but...I mean, my life has no meaning. I'm dead inside.

Fez: Oh, so that's what smells.

Hyde: Yeah, Mr. Broken Heart. When was the last time you took a bath, man? You're gettin' gamey!

Eric: Man, I am so glad Donna is not Jackie. But, I'll tell you what. I'm even more glad that I'm not you. [laughs] No offense.

Kelso: I gotta win Jackie back. I got it! I'll write her a song!

Fez: Maybe the best way to get Jackie back is to let her date other people. Foreign exchange people.

Hyde: No, man. I think a song is a really great idea. How about this one? "You don't love me anymore. Caught me cheatin' with a whore." See, 'cause Laurie's the whore. You get it?

Eric: Yeah. My sister is such a whore!

Kelso: [sniffling] Yeah, I'm gonna write Jackie a song. I gotta win her back 'cause I can't stop the tears, man! [starts sobbing]

Eric: Kelso, we've been over this. There's no crying in the circle.

Eric: [after hearing Kelso's song] Well...I think that you should draw her a picture.

Kelso: Hey pal, you think you're funny? Well someday Donna's gonna crush your stupid little heart, too!

Eric: Yeah...see, I don't think so because I've taken special precautions to prevent that very thing from happening. For instance, I don't sleep with other women.

Kelso: Yeah, well it's only because you're chicken!

[Kelso continues to write his song and practice the chords]

Kelso: "I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's kinda good. [writes lyrics]

Eric: Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.

Fez: You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.

Kelso: That's true.

Eric: Donna does not control me!

Fez: Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.

Kelso: I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"

Eric: Kelso, uh, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]

Kelso: [laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!

Jackie Moves On [2.22]

Kelso: So, did you kiss her? 'Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her.

Fez: No, I didn't want to kiss her. I wanted to hand her a napkin... There was not a moment when she didn't have a face full of food. I was disgusted.

Hyde: Boy, Laurie, you really like that hotdog! You didn't even chew it.

Laurie: Oh, hey, Hyde. Father's Day is coming up. Shouldn't you practice saying, "Hi, are you my Daddy?"

Hyde: Oh, by the way, Laurie. The surgeon general called. He wanted you to stop hoarding all the penicillin.

Laurie: You know, when you're in prison, your bad table manners will probably just be a turn-on for some guy named Tank.

Hyde: Well, maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you can ask him to take it easy on me.

Eric: Okay, Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.

Laurie: What are you talking about, loser?

Eric: The camp story. Doctor Pee Pee. You're dead.

Fez: [whispering to Hyde] what's going on?

Hyde: Shh. Pretend it's TV.

Eric: Well, I know some stuff about you, little lady. Fellas, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.

Laurie: In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.

Eric: You stuffed in high school.

Laurie: So did you.

Eric: Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.

Laurie: Well, that's not as bad as the time I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all—

Eric: Laurie was born with a tail!

[Fez gasps.]

Hyde: What?

Eric: Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!

Laurie: I HATE YOU! [runs upstairs]

Eric: It's true. [puts hands together and makes a tail]

Holy Crap! [2.23]

Pastor Dave: Okay. Lets see your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? [Kitty shows picture] Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.

Kitty: See He's, um, He's looking down fondly on all of us going to church.

Dave: Steven. [Hyde shows picture of a man with long hair and a beard] Very good. I see, when you think of God, you see Jesus.

Hyde: No man, it's Eric Clapton.

Eric: Oh my God, man. I drew Clapton too.

Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.

[Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]

Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... [frightened] Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!

Kelso: You should really go to church, Eric. 'Cause God, he sees everything. So I live my life good and pure.

Eric: Kelso, you were dating two girls at the same time.

Kelso: Yeah, but God didn't see that. I was in my van, and he can't see through the lead.

Fez: I don't want to get into a religious argument, but my God can kick your God's ass.

Hyde: God is dead, man. It said so in Time Magazine.

Leo: No, man. I sat next to God once on the bus. He told me the meaning of life, and then he gave me a pretzel.

Hyde: So what's the meaning of life, man?

Leo: Uhhh...yeah. I guess I should've written it down. But it was a good pretzel, man.

Eric: Maybe this life doesn't even matter, you know? Maybe we're not even here. Or, no. Maybe I'm here, but you're not! ...Hello?!

Kelso: You know what the best thing God ever did was? Boobs!

Fez: Yes! And God said, "Let there be boobs." And then there were boobs!

Hyde: Hey, if God is all powerful, can he make a boob so big that even he can't lift it?

Leo: That's a good question, man. I'll ask him next time I'm on the bus.

Red Fired Up [2.24]

[Red chews Eric out on picking up boxes]

Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm gonna-

Eric: [as he logs the boxes in a clipboard] -kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah yeah yeah...

Red: Jeez. And I didn't think you were listening.

[Kelso leaves with Laurie]

Hyde: No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

Cat Fight Club [2.25]

[Red talks to Kelso in the garage over his relationship with Laurie]

Red: What you want to do is fly in under my radar, so that if I don't see you and Laurie together, or even mention her name in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist, got it?

Kelso: Yeah, so if you mean me and Laurie -

Red: Oh no, now, you just mentioned my daughter's name.

Kelso: Ok, so if Kelso and your daughter -

Red: No no, see...that's not gonna work either.

Kelso: This is hard, Red!

Red: Yeah, you're gonna be here 'till you get it right, Kelso!

Kelso: Okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.

Red: [threatening voice] Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! Oh, that's another joke. Come on laugh, Kelso! [Kelso begins to cry]

[Kelso and Laurie come back from "hiking"]

Laurie: Next time we go hiking, make sure you bring a blanket. I think I have a twig in my shorts.

Hyde: What a coincidence. So does Kelso.

Jackie: Burn!

[After Jackie mauls Laurie]

Donna: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me slut rabies.

Eric: Jackie, you're my hero. [Jackie looks confused. Eric continues] You hit her in the eye.

Jackie: Yeah but I guess it wasn't very zen of me, was it Hyde?

Hyde: Well, where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.

Moon Over Point Place (1) [2.26]

[Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]

Hyde: Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!

Eric: Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.

Kelso: [whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.

Jackie: God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.

Eric: Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a pleased Donna, and then at her butt]

[As Hyde is taken into custody over marijuana]

Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now I love you!

Hyde: Oh, my God, will you shut up?

Jackie: I wouldn't call you a homewrecker, Laurie. No, I'd call you a slut. And a homewrecker.

External links