Robert Wilton Smith (28 August 1881 – 1 May 1957) was one of the most popular English comedians of the 1930s and 1940s. In his sketches and monologues he usually portrayed work-shy, henpecked husbands or dithering, ineffectual authority figures.

Quotes

  • Woman: Do come along quick, there's a house on fire.
    Fire Chief: A house on fire? Just a moment, lady – what's the address?
    Woman: Grimshaw Street.
    Fire Chief: Grimshaw Street – Grimshaw … now wait a minute, I know it as well as can be, and I just can't place it.
    Woman: Oh come along, it's only just round...
    Fire Chief: No, no, no – don't tell me, let me try and think of it for myself. Grimshaw St–... oh, isn't that annoying, I could walk straight to it, and I can't think of it.
    • The Fire Chief
  • He said "I'll punch your head!" I said "Whose?" He said "Yours!"
    I said "Mine?" He said "Yes!" I said "Oh?"
    He said "Want a fight?" I said "Who?" He said "You!"
    I said "Me?" He said "Yes!" I said "No!"
    So we then came to words, he said "You're a cad!"
    I said "Cad?" He said "Yes!" I said "Who?"
    He said "Who?" I said "Yes." He said "You!" I said "Oh!"
    So of course then I knew.
    • Back Answers

Home Guard

  • The day war broke out, my Missus said to me – she looked at me and she said, "What good are you?"
  • "Well," she said, "All the young fellas'll be getting called up and you'll have to go back to work!"
    Ooh – she's got a cruel tongue!
  • She said,"What are you supposed to do?"
    I said, "I'm supposed to stop Hitler's army landing."
    She said, "What! – you?"
    I said, "No – there's Charlie Evans, Dick Roberts...I said, "There's seven or eight of us, altogether." I said, "We're in a group." I said, "We're on guard in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet."
    She said, "What's the good of being in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet?" She said, "I suppose that was your idea!"
    I said, "Aye, and that Charlie Evans wants to claim it as his!"
  • She said, "Do you know this Hitler? Have you ever met him?"
    I said, "Do I – of course I don't!"
    She said, "Well how are you going to know which is him if they do land?"
    I said, "Well, I've got a tongue in my head, haven't I?"
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