The Break In [1.1]

TJ: Can't you see that I'm trapped in here? I've counted the ceiling tiles 13 times, guys. There's 1,678. You hear me? 1,678!

King Bob: [Talking about T.J.] Kids of the playground. The dumb kid should be free!

Gretchen: Look shiny metal! Do you like the shiny metal? If you help us we'll give you the shiny metal. What you say kindergartners?

The head kindergartner: Let's eat 'em!

Vince: Bob's king of the playground. If he helps the other kids will follow.

Spinelli: He better help or he's gonna meet my good friend Madam Fist!

Kid next to King Bob: My mom called me some dumb kid this morning.

The New Kid [1.2]

Mikey: There are lots of people without names.

Gus: Like who?

Mikey: Like the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, the Unknown Soldier, and the other four guys in the Jackson Five.

Gus: I've been to 12 schools in the last 6 years, I never met anyone so friendly, it's so - so beautiful!

The Great Jungle Gym Standoff [1.4]

Spinelli: The last one to Ol' Rusty has to give Ms. Finster a sponge bath!

Randall: Hey! That's my job!

First Name Ashley [1.5]

Spinelli: What's the matter? You got crayons in your ears? Get to the end of the line Randall before I give you the end of my fist!

T.J.: We're all Ashleys, too.

Ashley A: But, you aren't even girls!

Gus: Hey, it's the nineties.

Ashley A: By junior high we may be dating some guys named Paul or ... or Joe!

To Finster With Love [1.6]

Finster: [reading out grades] A... A... A... Ah, Randall, my trusted sidekick... A plus! A... A... A...

Finster: F... F... F... Ah, Randall, my trusted sidekick... D minus. F... F... F...

:Hank the Janitor: Do you hear music?

Finster: Whenever I look at you.

T.J.: Hey, Ms. Finster?

Finster: Yes, Detwiler?

T.J.: ...Are those your shoes, or did you mug a clown on the way to school?

Finster: Why, you little HOOLIGAN! [Runs after T.J.]

T.J.: She's back!

King Gus [1.7]

Gus: [singing] Gus, Gus, O Mighty Gus, king of all the playground, Gus, Gus, O Shiny Gus, we're glad such a great king we found.

Mikey: Madness! Madness!

Big Brother Chad [1.8]

Kindergartener: Vince. We give up to you our two front teeth. Worth 50 cents street value.

Gretchen: Take it from someone who knows. Your brother is definitely a geek.

Chad: Hey Vince! Check it out, I just beat myself at three-dimensional chess.

King Bob: He's nothing but a nerd! I'm so depressed!

Vince: Ooh, I'm quivering in my high-tops!

I Will Kick No More Forever [1.11]

Vince: [watching an old video of himself] Man, did you see that kick??? That was in my prime!

Gretchen: Vince, that was 2 weeks ago.

The Trial [1.16]

King Bob: (to Randall) You threw a dirt clod during a time out? She was right, you are a worm.

Ashley A: No, no, wait. I say we give her a swirlie. (Spinelli's eyes flush)

Teachers Lounge [1.17]

Principal Prickly: [telling a joke] So then I say to the superintendent, "That's no kindergartener, that's my wife!"

Randall's Reform [1.18]

T.J.: [reading] I did it. Signed, TJ?

Finster: AHA, a confession!!

Finster: The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

T.J.: But Miss Finster, you dragged me here!

The Great Can Drive [1.20]

(Ms. Grotke's and Ms. Furley's classes are tug-of-warring over the last can either class needs to win the can drive, which Ms. Eudora Finkelstein is holding very tightly, while Mikey's whistle gets everyone's attention.)

Mikey: Don't you see what's happening? You're all acting like animals. Can drives aren't about winning or losing; they're about helping people and being generous and sharing our bounty. Who wins and who loses matters not. So let's just put all the cans together and forget about that dumb turkey dinner. What do you say?

T.J.: There's only one thing to say. Give me that can!

(The tug of war resumes. This time, Ms. Finkelstein breathes heavily, refusing to handle the can any longer. The can slips away from both sides' grasps and rolls all the way to the can pyramid.)

Mr. Prickly: The pyramid! NOOOOOOOOO!

(The can touches the bottom of the pyramid, which begins to topple over.)

Ms. Finkelstein: Look out, she's gonna blow!

(Everyone flees away from the stage to avoid getting splattered by the falling cans of the pyramid, but they get splattered anyway. A broken can of peas rolls to Mikey's feet and Mikey picks it up before telling both classes off.)

Mikey: Look what you've all done! Now nobody's gonna have a good Thanksgiving!

(The rest of the main six and the Ashleys look at each other sadly while Mikey walks off, and hang their heads in shame over what they did.)

Jinxed [1.22]

Gretchen: The kids' unwritten code of honor is what makes us different from adults, different from animals. What would we be without it?

Gus: Adult animals?

Spinelli: Nothing, that's what!

Gus:Its My Harmonica!

Ashleys:Your What?

Gus:Its My...

Ashleys:Harmonica! Jinx!

Spinelli: Hey! One of you drop five bucks?

Ashleys: Oooo...

T.J., Vince, Spinelli, Gretchen, and Mikey: Scandalous! Jinx!

The Experiment [1.23]

Butch: The future... is girls! Boys kissing girls! Girls kissing boys! And you know what else?! WE'RE ALL GONNA LIKE IT! (laughs diabolically)

Spinelli: Boys kissing girls? Girls kissing boys?

Gretchen: Surely, there must be some mistake. I mean, this defies the rules of nature and physics. Besides that, it's disgusting!

T.J.: But Butch says it's the future. His brother Joey told him.

Spinelli: Oh, please! The day I stop caring about dodgeball is the day the Earth starts spinning around the sun.

Gretchen: Which explains the D minus you got in Science.

(After Spinelli and TJ kiss)

Spinelli: Ack! Puke city!

T.J.: Quick, someone get me some mouthwash!

T.J.: You realize we may have to get married after this.

Spinelli: You realize I may have to kill you after this.

Officer Mikey [1.24]

(looking for Ashley A's little sister, Britney)

Spinelli: We seek a formal sit-down by she who goes by the name Britney. (four Kindergartners come forward) Er... Britney A.

The Hypnotist [2.2]

[Prickly, hypnotized into thinking he's 6 years old, runs wild through the playground, and pulls Spinelli's hat down over her eyes]

Spinelli: ...Did he just do what I think he did?

T.J.: Yup.

Spinelli: [Tries to run after Prickley, but gets grabbed by Mikey] LET ME AT 'IM! LET ME AT 'IM!

Mama's Girl [2.3]

Spinelli: Look out, MAMAAAAA!

Gus: Uh, sorry, guys. I guess this wasn't the best time for me to practice my cursive.

The Challenge [2.5]

Principal Prickly: [shouting] Not only is my reputation as an educator on the line but also my reputation as a man! So get out there and win, I tell you, win! (Kids stare at him) Oh, and have fun.

Wild Child [2.6]

Gretchen: Repeat after me. The rain...

Kindergartener: The wain...

Gretchen: In Spain...

Kindergartener: In Pain...

Gretchen: Falls mainly in the moist temperate zone northwest of the Pyranees mountains.

Kindergartener: Bloobidy bloo bloo bloo!

The Girl Was Trouble [2.9]

Gretchen: Menlo sang like an old guy in the shower when no one was home.

Gretchen: [To the Graffiti Kid] Nice work you're a regular Degas.

Graffiti Kid: Wha'd you call me?

The Beauty Contest [2.25]

Ashley A.: Like, these are the entry forms for the official kiddie cosmetics “Little Miss Blush” beauty contest.

Ashley Q.: Pageants, nature’s way of pointing out perfection.

Ashley A.: I’m totally sure an Ashley would take the crown this year. So fill out your entry forms and take them please and dazzle em’...

Spinelli: [off screen] Like totally special delivery!