I'm Coming Out

Mr. Duckstein: So son, when are you going to get yourself a girlfriend and give us some grandchildren?

Queer Duck: Well, gee, dad I guess I haven't found the right girl.

Openly Gator: [Under his breath] Yeah... one with a penis.

Mr. Duckstein: What was that?

Queer Duck: Mother? Father? ...I'm gay!

Queer Duck: [Asking him if he'll come out to his parents.] What about you, Bi-Polar Bear?

Bi-Polar Bear: I already told my father, he was totally shocked... and so was his boyfriend! [Laughs]

Fiddler on the Roofies

[After Queer Duck turns off the porno]

Little Lucky: Hey! I was watching that!

Openly Gator: [Handing him a drink] Here! [Little Lucky drinks it]

Little Lucky: Why did you turn it off? I'm gonna---[Passes out]

Queer Duck: [To Openly Gator] Did you give my nephew a roofie?

Openly Gator: ...Half!

Openly Gator: The whole party's coming back to me! This place was wall-to-wall cock! [Sees Little Lucky] coke! We were doing coke...a-cola. We drank Coca Cola and Mountain Dew and Doctor Poppers--eh Pepper!

Queer Duck: Go back to bed.

Openly Gator: Good idea...

Little Lucky: Who was that?

Queer Duck: The boogeyman.

Oh Christ

Gay Dog: I've slept with seven men in my... in my li... in my.. li

Queer Duck: In your lunch break?

Gay Dog: In my life!

Queer Duck: And you call yourself a homosexual?!? Please!

Gay Dog: I'm a recovering homosexual!

Homosexual Re-Progamer: [Talking to Queer Duck and gay animals.] I want you to stop obsessing over other men and start obsessing over Jesus!

Queer Duck: You mean that shirtless guy with the nice abs?

Homosexual Re-Programer: That's him!

Queer Doc

[Queer Duck makes a prank phone call to Dr. Laura's show and the group shares high fives]

Queer Duck: Openly Gator!

Openly Gator: Christ! I nearly wet myself!

Queer Duck: Bipolar Bear!

Bipolar Bear: I nearly wet him too! [laughs]

Queer Duck: Oscar Wildcat!

Oscar Wildcat: I haven't seen such urbane gay wit since they canceled Gomer Pyle!

B.S. I Love You

Queer Duck: If it's a crime to love Barbara Streisand, then lock me up! [Queer Duck appears in a prison cell] Seventy-five years without parole? Oh, my gay stars!

[Wolf whistle]

Prisoner: You sure got a pretty beak!

Queer Duck: [Impersonating BS] Why hello gorgeous!

[Waiting in a long line for Barbara Streisand tickets.]

Queer Duck: Come on, come on, let's get moving!

Gator: This is like a gay-pride pirade in slow motion.

Bi-Polar Bear: Welcome to homos in slow-mo. [laughs then pauses] I'll be quiet.

Wildcat: You do that.

Gym Neighbors

Openly Gator: [seeing his nose twisted by the weights] I'm a freak!

Queer Duck: No! You look cute with your little... turned up nose.

[Queer Duck is giving the Minotaur a massage and he seems to be enjoying it]

Minotaur: Man, you should teach this to my wife!

Queer Duck: You're wife?!? [applies a pressure hold and makes the Minotaur pass out]

Queer as Fowl

Queer Duck: Bipolar Bear, will you pound the organ?

Bipolar Bear: Ya betcher booty! But first I'll play some music! [laughs]

Queer Duck: Its like a convent in here! Hundreds of Marys all dressed in black!

Wedding Bell Blues

Queer Duck: I, Adam Seymour Duckstein take you, Steven Arlo as my one and only. Unless you're out of town, or we have a really big fight, or when its one part of a man's body coming through a hole in the wall... [hours pass, the sun sets] ...and it doesn't count as cheating if its a threesome, or that really cute delivery boy! Uhm... amen?

Openly Gator: [emotionally] Oh, Queer Duck! You really do love me!

[In the midst a plane crash.]

Openly Gator: Queer Duck, if we survive this plane crash, will you marry me?

Queer Duck: Ah, we're not going to survive this are we?

Openly Gator: No.

Queer Duck: Then sure!

Ku Klux Klan and Ollie

Openly Gator: For the last time, Charlton Heston was not gay!

Queer Duck: Oh, please! He wore a skirt in every picture he was in!

Bipolar Bear: I heard the original title of Ben Hur was Ben Gay! [Laughs]

Ku Klux Klan Member: Are you doing something Queer in there?

Queer Duck: Yeah, your son is giving me a lap dance.

Radio Head

Oscar Wildcat: [Attempting to disguise his voice] I was just wondering how much rat poison it would take to kill an old lady. I've already added a lot, and so far she just seems to like that taste!

Tales of the City Morgue

[Bipolar Bear is told by the aliens they will just drop him off]

Bipolar Bear: What? No anal probe?

Alien: We... don't really do that.

Bipolar Bear: Come on! You're not going to give me the anal probe? I'm missing Rosie for this!

Alien: Very well... prepare the... anal probulator...

Alien 1: We can take a more pleasing form [Transforms into a Barbara Eden-esque woman]

Bipolar Bear: You are way off!

Alien 2: You're gay, aren't you?

Alien 1: Why are the good ones always gay?

Bi Polar Bear and the Glorious Hole

Narrator: So after a quick stop at the local rubber tree, Queer Duck and Openly Gator attended to the task at hand...

Queer Duck: [Motioning to Bipolar Bear's butt] You first!

Openly Gator: No, no. Age before beauty!

Openly Gator: That was so embarrassing, you got us kicked out of Wiener Dog.

Queer Duck: I just assumed it was a gay bar.

Openly Gator: You think everywhere is a gay bar.

Santa Claus is Coming Out

Queer Duck: Santa Claus is bi, my oh my!

Santa: There's nothing that I won't try!

Openly Gator: So lets all cheer, 'cause Santa's queer!

All: [Singing in Harmony] Santa Claus is gaaaaay!

Santa: Queer Duck, you shouldn't say things about people if you don't know them!

Queer Duck: So... you're not gay?

Santa: I am all things to all people!

Queer Duck: So you're bisexual?

Santa: Ho ho ho! Exactly!

Mardi Foie Gras

Bi-Polar Bear: I love mardi gras, even though I don't know what it is.

Wildcat: It's french for "Everybody's Gay."