Goombella

• Omigosh! Is… Isn't that a treasure map?! You HAVE to tell me where you got that!
• So, Hooktail Castle, huh? Well... it sure is ominous, that's for sure.
• Well, no doubt about it: This is Glitzville! Can you believe it actually floats? Well, let's get to it, huh, Mario? Let's find that Crystal Star as fast as we can!
• Woah, totally AWESOME! Check it out, Mario! Someone's about to catch a beating up there!
• They... Those total COWARDS! Those chickens attacked us before the bell rang! Oh, that is IT! Come on! We aren't losing to punks like them! Let's waste 'em!
• What did you expect, huh? We rock!
• What?!? You... were in that cute little eggy-weggy? Whoa! That's wild!
• Omigosh! That cake must've totally been poisoned! Boy, if we'd eaten it... that'd be us on the floor!
• Wow! That was Bowser, right? Jeepers, who woulda thought he'd show his face HERE?
• What?!? What?!? What?!? Omigosh, WHAT'S going on?!?
• Yay! We did it, Mario! We won't have to worry about THAT guy for a while!
• What IS that gross thing? ...No! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
• We're finally here, Mario! Let's hurry up and find the Poshley Sanctum that the professor was talking about!
• Wow! That was KILLER! I totally never would've guessed I'd get to do THAT!
• Ugh... This place is freaky... but we don't have a choice, Mario! We've gotta get in there and save Peach before this gets out of hand! C'mon, Mario!
• Never, ever give up! That's the most important thing I've learned from you, Mario.

Koops

• OH, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU TO FIGHT HOOKTAIL! PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU!
• Oh, man... Hooktail Castle... The stories were all true... This place is TERRIFYING...
• X-Nauts? Sounds like tissues... to the extreme or something.
• Boy! This just isn't right. Let's do something before my claustrophobia sets in...
• Ummm... Yeah, this would be Glitzville, all right... How do they make it float? I mean, it hasn't ever, you know, plunged from the sky or anything, has it? Time to hunt down that Crystal Star, huh, Mario? I know I'm ready!
• Wow! This place is so cool! Hey, Mario, look up there! There's a battle match going on right now!
• Hey! That's no fair! You can't attack before the bell rings! That's cheating! Come on, Mario! We can't let a bunch of cheaters beat us. Let's take them down!
• We... won? Cool!
• Ummm... WHAT?!? You hatched out of that egg? That's nuts. So you're a Yoshi, huh?
• Umm... Was that King Bowser? What was he doing here? That... kinda freaks me out.
• Whoa. Is that what plumbers do? I had no idea, man. Wow.
• Wow! Grubba got... really big! That isn't good!
• Um... OK, this place is scary... but I guess we don't have a choice, huh? We have to power through and save Peach before things get out of hand! Let's go, Mario!

Flurrie

• My! Such wonderful drama! I imagine we have to do something now, don't we?
• My, my, my! Glitzville! I've heard that the Glitz Pit is just full of brawny brawls! I must admit the prospect of some hurly-burly gets me a touch piqued! Now, darling, let's find that Crystal Star, hmmm?
• What sort of base cowards attack before the match officially begins? Honestly! Come on, Mario, darling! We shan't lose to lowlifes! Let's teach them a lesson!
• Why, you little rapscallion! You hatched from that egg? Well, aren't you precious!
• I should like to request that we never do that again.
• We're finally here, dear! Let's waste no time finding that Poshley Sanctum that Frankly spoke of.
• My, what an unpleasant place... but I suppose we have no choice! We must go onward and save Peach before this situation spirals beyond out control! Let's move on, darling!

Paper Yoshi Kid

• Yow! Grubba got huge!
• Gonzales! Check me out! Thanks to you, I hatched safe and sound! Thanks, man!
• Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How'd that floor taste?
• Wow! That was the king of the Koopas, wasn't it? WOW! That guy's insane!
• Well, she took off, huh? What was that kiss like? I gotta get me one of those... Hey, but what do you think she meant about somebody being upstairs, huh?
• Was that cake poisoned? Yeah! It must've been! If we'd eaten it, we'd be all banged up like that guy!
• Dude, I have SO much respect for plumbers now!
• Whoa! That was the craziest thing I've ever seen! What's going on in this weirdo town?
• Yeah! Yeah! We whipped him! That loser won't get in our face for a while, for SURE!
• Aw, yeah, the Excess Express! This is so deluxe, man! The three days to Poshley Heights are gonna be over just like THAT!
• What IS that gnarly thing? ...Whoa! Gonzales, look! It's got the other passengers!
• Whoa! That was AWESOME! Man, who knew adventurers got to do stuff like THAT!
• Whoa, this place is nasty... but we don't have a choice! We've gotta cruise through and save Peach before this whole cataclysm happens! C'mon, Gonzales!
• Man, we clear one freaky room just to find another... This area is almost like an underground city, huh? What IS this place?

Vivian

• Your name and body were stolen? Oh, well I guess that happens from time to time.
• Hey, we did it, Mario! It'll take him a while to recover from that!
• Wow! The Excess Express! This is really nice, Mario! The three days to Poshley Heights are going to seem like nothing!
• What IS that nasty thing? ...Oh! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
• We're finally here, Mario. There's no time to waste, so let's find the Poshley Sanctum, like the professor said.
• Gee whiz! That was wild! I never thought I'd take a ride like THAT...
• We've finally got all seven Crystal Stars! Yes! Now we can open the Thousand-Year Door! Uh, but... We still don't know where Peach is,,,
• Uh... This place is unsettling... but we have no choice! We have to get in there and save Peach before things get any more out of control! Let's go, Mario!
• We get out of one strange room just to find another... It's so big... It's almost like an underground city... What IS this place?

Admiral Bobbery

• We've done it, old boy! I should say he won't be to keen on seeing us again, eh?
• Harumph! The Excess Express! Rather posh, I must say! Yes, rather posh indeed! The three days to Poshley Heights ought to pass in an eyeblink, eh, old boy?
• What IS that rank thing? ...Horrors! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
• We've made it, old boy! Let's find that Poshley Sanctum that Professor Frankly spoke of, posthaste!
• Harumph! Well, that was rather a bumpy trip, wot wot! Who would've guessed I'd get to do such a thing...
• This place is rather ugly... but we haven't a choice in the matter, old boy! We must get in there and save Peach before this hullabaloo goes any further! Let's go, dear boy!
• Well now, it seems we get past one dodgy room only to find another... This region is rather like an underground city, hm? What IS this place?

Ms. Mowz

• I can't believe there are other thieves here besides me. How very strange...
• Mmmm... the Excess Express! Now this is what I call travelling in style! The three days to Poshley heights will be over before we know it, dearie!
• Oh, my! That was quite fun! I can't say I ever thought I'd take a ride like THAT!
• What an unpleasant place... but we don't have a choice in the matter! We have to get in there and save Peach before this gets any more out of hand! Let's go, dearie!

Prologue

Goombella: Hey! What do you want?!? Get away from me, freak!!!

Lord Crump: Oh, come off it, you airhead! I know it's tough for you, but don't play dumb with me! I've seen you walking around town asking for information about the Crystal Stars. Well, now I'm doing the asking, so be a good girl and tell us what you know! Right, NOW!

Goombella: Never! I don't have anything to say to you creeps! EWW!

Lord Crump: I suppose it wouldn't be right if a sassy little lass like you met with an untimely demise... Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Boys, we're taking this firebrand to our fortress!

X-Naut: As you command, Lord Crump! We're on it!

Goombella: N-no! Stop right there, you weirdos! I'll scream! Really!

Paragoomba: Wassup, baby? Why don't you hang with us for a while? We play real nice!

Spiky Goomba: Man, what's a FINE-lookin' Goomba doin' with a tubby mustache man like that?!?

Goombella: Oh, it is, like, SO sweet that you boys think I'm cute! Seriously! Yeah, guys like you make me feel like TOTALLY BARFING! Now get out of our way!

Goomba: Ouch! That was cold!

Paragoomba: What, you're too good for us? Come off it, sister!

Spiky Goomba: Nobody zings us like that! Nobody! Let's get 'em!

Chapter 1 - Castle and Dragon

• Koops: Umm... excuse me! Err... I beg your pardon! Wait a moment, PLEASE!!! [Walks up to Mario] Pardon me for yelling like that... I was panicking. Umm... How to begin? M-My name's... Koops. I heard you're traveling to Hooktail's castle. So, anyway, I, uh... I have a favor to ask. [Long pause] Well... Ummmm... Oh, just... Just forget it. Never mind. Ignore me. Good... Good-bye. [Turns to leave]

Goombella: Ooookay... That was weird... What do you think that was all about? Talk about issues!

Koops: Oh... Golly... Umm... Hi... Hi, Koopie... Koopie Koo... Did you overhear all that?

Koopie Koo: Well, part of it. Koops... I THOUGHT I heard you say you're off to fight Hooktail... But... you're joking, right? I mean, you're not exactly a powerhouse... He'll eat you up!

Koops: I know, Koopie Koo. But I want to be tougher. For you... So I have to do this...

Koopie Koo: No, Koops, you don't. I mean, going off to some dangerous place? It's... It's stupid. So what if you're timid? And sort of a crybaby. I don't care about all that. I just want you to be you. So, don't go...

Koops: Sorry, Koopie Koo. I've made up my mind. No need to worry, though! After all, I'm travelling with Mario. He's the man!

Koopie Koo: FINE! IGNORE ME! [Shell spins past Mario and Koops twice] STUBBORN KOOPA!!!

Koops: I'm sorry, Koopie Koo... I swear to you... I will come back to you a stronger Koopa! [Mario turns to him] Well, Mario, that's that, I guess. No turning back now! Hooktail's castle awaits!

Chapter 2 - The Great Boggly Tree

• Punio: Elder!

Puni Elder: Punio! Is that you? You're looking well.

Punio: Why are you so calm, Elder? You're trapped! And this is our daring rescue of you!

Puni Elder: Oh, a rescuing, is it? Well, thanks, I suppose. Those are quite exciting, but... I think you ought to help the other Punies before you rescue me.

Punio: Where are the others?

Puni Elder: [As Petuni speaks] Hrmmmmmmm... Let me think... Where was I? Ah. Yes. Right. Your question. The rest of the Punies...

Petuni: Big brother, is that my Punio!?!

Punio: [Runs over to where Petuni is] Petuni, thank heavens! You're here, you're safe!

Petuni: I knew you'd come for me, Punio! I just KNEW it!

Punio: Of course I would, dear sister! And I've brought us a mighty ally! Look at him! We're going to get you out of there right away, I swear. You just hold tight a second.

Petuni: OK!

Punio: [Turns to Mario] Mario, listen... we've got to find the cell key or we're going nowhere!

• Punio: Elder! We're back! We're here to rescue you!

Puni Elder: FOOLISH CHILD! Punio! Sit down this instant and keep your mouth shut!

Punio: Huh? What? Why? What did I do? Uh... Listen, Elder, I don't know why you're mad, but we came here to help you...

Puni Elder: Stop your mumbling, you! And mind your elders! You whelp! How could abandon your poor sister and run off like that... Absolutely shameful!

Punio: But... But, Elder... I just went to find help... To help rescue you...

Puni Elder: Oh, stop with the whining! You never interrupt an elder mid-lecture! NEVER! You wonder why the other Punies call you a "doofus" sometimes? That's why. And your time to be a doofus is over, because you have to lead our Puni tribe one day! That day is not far off! ...And THAT is why you need to listen! Now, first of all...

[Several hours later...]

Puni Elder: ...Or else! You got that? From now on, you've got to get your act together, Punio!

Punio: Yes, Elder. Yes, I understand.

Puni Elder: Bah! Only answer ONCE! ...But say, by the way, why are you here, anyway?

Punio: Uh, I was just telling you... We came to rescue everyone. We started with you, Elder.

Puni Elder: Oh! Is that so? Well, good! In that case, get me out of here already! Criminy! This cell is cold, which isn't good for the old back, and there's this damp stench... [Leaves the cell]

Punio: Uh... Well, there she goes... Enough standing around! [Runs to Petuni's cell] Just you wait, Petuni! I'll be right back for you!

Petuni: OK, big brother! I'll be waiting!

• Puni Elder: You won't be going any farther this a-way!

Lord Crump: What?!? Are you nuts? Move it, you old geezer!

Puni Elder: [Enlarges] WHAT?!? Did you just call me an "old geezer"? Where do you get off, talking like that? You got no respect, brat! Don't think my age has a thing to do with my might! Even if it kills me, I won't let you through! I'm ready! ELDER POWER ACTIVATE!

Lord Crump: Whoa. What's your problem, gramma? You got an ear hair tickling your brain, or what?

Puni Elder: Oh! Ooh! What the... OUCH! ...Can't... take... another.. step... Ooooog... [Her back cracks] What a time for my stupid back to start acting up!

Lord Crump: You hotheaded old coot! You dare defy me? I could shine my boots with you!

Chapter 3 - Of Glitz and Glory

• Rawk Hawk: That's right! Unh! I think it's about time for you to FEEL THE RAAAAAWK! [Defeats the Koopinator] Stay down, pincushion! You don't want more of this! Why'd you even show up? Yeah, you hear me talking, Wimpy! Stay outta the ring, or feel the burn, baby! Tell you what: do about a million push-ups and then come see Uncle Rawk Hawk! I'll give you another world-class spanking and send you crying home to Momma again!

Grubba: Hooooo-WEEEEEE! CHAMP! That was a grade-A whuppin'! Yer thoughts on the match!

Rawk Hawk: You call that a match? Ain't there a fighter out there who can challenge me? No! No one can! Hear me? Ain't a fighter out there that can even make me sweat! They're all a bunch of little crybabies, running around in stinky diapers! You got a bone to pick?!? Come fight me! Bring it! I'll take on anyone! You weaklings might as well stick to video-game fighting, OK? 'Cause I'll hurt you. YEAH! NUMBER ONE, BABY! RAWK HAWK IS THE CHAMP! Harharharharharhar! [Holds up the champion's belt]

• Jolene: Well, here we are. This is your locker room. You're starting in the minor league, of course, as you've just now started your career. If you don't like this dingy room, I suggest you work your way through the ranks.

• Rawk Hawk: Studly guy, coming through! Listen up, losers! I've been hearing about some rising star tearing up the league... [Turns around and sees Mario] It's you, isn't it! Yeah! You fit the bill, skinny! A mustache named Gonzales! Man, I came all the way over her for YOU?!? Harharhar! What a waste of time!

"Yoshi Kid": [Mario realises something and turn to him] What's your deal, Gonzales, huh? Oh! The champ's belt... [Walks over to look]

Rawk Hawk: What in the... Hey! You! Get too close to the Hawk and you might get RAWKED!

"Yoshi Kid": I'm not sure, but it definitely looks weird. I think you're right, Gonzales. FAKE! [Mario agrees]

Rawk Hawk: Hey, you think you can just smack-talk the Rawk Hawk? I DON'T THINK SO! You got some guts, calling my belt a fake, you shrimpy, no-belt-having wimps! Didn't your momma teach you any manners?!?

"Yoshi Kid": Whoa, sorry, yellow dude! I didn't mean to rip on your big, bad belt!

Rawk Hawk: Stop making fun of me, punk! You're alive ONLY 'cause we ain't in the ring right now! If I see you under those lights, I'll tear you apart! Remember the RAWWWWWWK! [Leaves]

Chapter 4 - For Pigs the Bell Tolls

• Freddy: Oh no! The bell rang again! Oh... This is so awful... Who could it be now? [Turns into a pig]

• Beldam: Mwee hee hee hee hee... Yes... This time we'll take that Mario and get his map! With this Superbomb here, there's no way we can fail. No, not likely...

Marilyn: Guhhhh...

Beldam: Vivian! Hand me that glorious Superbomb!

Vivian: Huh?

Beldam: Vivian... Don't you dare... Does that "Huh?" mean what I think it does?

Vivian: I... I never had it! You were holding it just two seconds ago! You said it was too important to trust me with!

Beldam: Oh, you terrible LIAR! Stop making up stories to cover for yourself! If I don't have it, then OBVIOUSLY you must have it! And OBVIOUSLY you lost it! Or... are you trying to imply that I lost it, you little lollygagging worm?

Vivian: I... No, of course not, Beldam...

Beldam: Well, we can't do much without it, now can we?!? Oh, you are SUCH an idiot... Very well... I'm sure you must have dropped it around here somewhere... So why don't you go look for it while Marilyn and I go take a well-earned siesta. And if you don't find it... Well, you know what'll happen, don't you?

Vivian: I... I get punished...

Beldam: That's right, you little twit, so get cracking! Come, Marilyn. Let's leave this useless little fool to her chore.

Marilyn: Guh-huh...

[Beldam and Marilyn leave]

Chapter 5 - The Key to Pirates

• Flavio: And what about you, Squinty? You turned to jelly when you saw all those ghosts!

Pa-Patch: What are you talkin' 'bout?!? You were the one quakin' in 'is boots, fancy pants!

Flavio: ...wait. Wait one moment. Did... Did you just call the great Flavio "fancy pants"?

Pa-Patch: That's right, fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants!

Flavio: Why, you little CYCLOPS! Flavio demands satisfaction! You! Me! Hammers! At dawn!

Pa-Patch: Oy, that's right fine by me! I can't wait to put a few dents in those fancy threads!

• Cortez: NOOOOOOOO! My treasure! [Shrinks] I am done for... [Grows again] Yohohohohohohoho! You are foolish, amigo! For I am not dead! Well, technically, I was already dead... but my spirit endures, tied to my treasure! So you cannot do anything to me! I do not live, amigo! Still, guarding this treasure for hundreds of years is almost as boring as death!

[Mario raises his arm]

Cortez: What? You are not even interested in my treasure?

[Mario nods]

Cortez: Then why are you here?

[Mario indicates the Sapphire Star in Cortez's treasure pile]

Cortez: Huh?!? You want this, amigo?

[Mario nods]

Cortez: This little rock over here? Are you serious? Well, that's no big deal... Here, take it. What do I need one or two extra gems for? I did not really like that one, anyway. [Gives Mario the Sapphire Star]

• Flavio: Ah, Mario! Welcome back to you, my stalwart captain! So... have you found the treasure? How is our little expedition faring, hm?

[Mario speaks]

Pa-Patch: What?!? The spirit o' Cortez was guardin' the treasure? An' you beat 'im, but you left all the treasure there?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! What were you THINKIN'?!? Were you tryin' to be NICE?!? Awww, well... That's what I like about you, I guess...

• Four-Eyes: So sorry to surprise you... No, wait... No need for that fake politeness anymore... Good job getting the Crystal Star! Oh, yeah! Seriously! Good job getting it for ME!

Pa-Patch: Oy, now... Ain't that good ol' Four-Eyes?

Green Toad: Yeah, that IS Four-Eyes! What's he doing over there? HEEEEEEEY! FOUR-EYES! IT'S DANGEROUS UP THERE!

Four-Eyes: [Fires his ship's cannon] Pffffft! What's with this lukewarm reception, huh? Dramatic entrance, here! Oh, whatever! I'll spell it out for you idiots! You may have known me as Four-Eyes... But I'm actually... [Sheds his disguise]

Lord Crump: Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! The great LORD CRUMP!!! Oh, MAN, did I fool you! I was the mastermind in the shadows, running this voyage! It HURTS to be this good! Now, Mario! Enough of this! I'm on a schedule, here! Hand over the Crystal Star! ...Because you know what'll happen if you don't... [Fires the cannon again] STARBOARD CANNONS! PORT CANNONS! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! BUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH!

Flavio: AIIIYEEEEEEE! YIKES! Four-Eyes was a pirate all this time? Madness! Well, what are we all standing around for? Cannons, people! We must flee!

Pa-Patch: Look, we're sailors... We're not much good for anythin' wifout a ship to sail!

Flavio: Wait! I have it! I am a genius! We have a ship at hand! And a fine one, I must say! Mario! Take me... to Cortez! Yes, my brain remembered what you said! You said that Cortez had a ship! If the legend is true, then we should be unstoppable in that cursed ship!

Green Toad: Flavio, what are you talking about? That's crazy! This is Cortez the pirate you're talking about, here! Even if Mario did beat him... Why would he lend YOU his ship, huh? He'll cream you! Kuh-ree-eem you!

Flavio: Hey! I may be a coward and a cad, but I still lead you! I have a duty to protect you! We will be cannon fodder if we sit and wag our tongues! We must at least try Cortez! I want to hear no complaints! I am your leader, and I will negotiate with this Cortez! Now, Mario! Take me to this pirate scum, this instant!

Chapter 6 - 3 Days of Excess

• Zip Toad: Hey, I think not, Slick! You think you can hold me? No Way! Beldam would flip if I let that happen! [Reveals himself to be--]

Doopliss: This whole Zip Toad thing was just a means to an end! It's me, suckers! Doopliss! Beldam's plan to gooify Mario didn't exactly work, so I'll be cutting and running now! I'll leave the rest to Beldam! See ya, suckers!

RDM Registration

Dear Mr. MARIO!

Thanks for registering with Rogueport Direct Mail (RDM) service.

Your kind friend MR. FRANKLY, referred you to us.

Our direct mail service will provide you with regular, timely news updates. We hope you enjoy our service!

RDM Premiere Issue

Rogueport Today

Bringing you all the up-to-the-moment news as it happens! We have details of yet another incident at the parlor in West Rogueport. Outraged by the high Pianta prices, Goomfrey (age 30) is suspected of violently shaking the Pianta Changer (age 5), causing the Pianta Changer's alarm to sound, which lead to the Pianta changer ceasing to function for a brief period. The parlor was forced to close down temporarily. The victim was quoted as saying: "I am a machine. No matter how hard I am shook, I feel no pain. End interview."

Shop Reporter Go!

Get all the hottest shopping news about all the hottest shopping spots in the world! If Petalburg's your destination, you can't miss the shop that's been the talk of the town for the last 20 years: Niff T.'s shop! The friendly owner has long thought to be the most eligible bachelor in town, but word is he's secretly in love with the girl at the inn! The wise and witty shopkeeper had this to say: "You only live once, so enjoy it while you can! Shop now at good old Niff T.'s shop!"

Cooking for Rookies

Interested in cooking but don't know what to cook? Try our chef's delicious suggestions! Today's yummy recipe: Fried Shrooms! Just season your mushrooms, sauté them up, and they're ready for the dinner table!

Editor's Note

We hope you enjoyed RDM's premiere issue! You can look forward to future editions coming your way soon!

RDM Issue 2

Rogueport Today

Old Toad settles in!

It's come to light that after settling into life at our inn, Toadsworth (age 60) has often been spotted in the company of Zess T. (age 55). The notoriously finicky Zess T. surprised all when she was heard saying "What's wrong with spending time with my little Toadle-toes?" The possibilities such a comment opens has our eyes and ears glued to the situation!

Shop Reporter Go!

Our focus of attention this week? Pungent's Great Tree Shop!

Pungent's easygoing management philosophy is: "Money and girls are fickle, so easy come, easy go, y'know?" He fully understands why his shop isn't busier, too: "We're well hidden, but like any good treasure, we're worth lookin' for!" He even has a special offer for RDM readers: "For the next 15 minutes, I'll give you double shop points!"

Cooking for Rookies

Today's Yummy Recipe: Spicy Soup!

Steep a Fire Flower in hot water and... Presto! You're done! The perfect first meal for kids to cook!

Editor's Note

We've been working all night to bring you this edition of RDM. Look forward to more hot, hot news in Issue 3, coming soon!

RDM Issue 3

Rogueport Today

Noon, Today

The Excess Express ran late for the first time in ten years today as a suspicious incident activated station security measures. Area youth and huge train enthusiast Laki (age 18) was found taking pictures in an employee-only area near the Express and was gang-tackled by local Samaritans. "I understand how much people are into trains, but we've got safety and security measures to uphold!" blustered the train engineer. The youth was released with just a warning... this time.

Shop Reporter Go!

This week we highlight Glitzville Sales Stall!

Though they've never attracted as many customers as the nearby Hot Dog Stand, the proprietor is certain that any day now, people will in fact notice that his shop exists! Early on in our interview, the owner of the nearby Hot Dog Stand cornered our reporter and had this to say: "Who needs Sales Stall! My Hot Dog gives you all you want! Only 10 coins now!" A minor scuffle broke out shortly thereafter, but we're happy to report that no one was seriously injured. Apparently everyone in Glitzville knows how to roll with a punch...

Cooking for Rookies

Hey there, rookies! Flex your bendy straws, because today's recipe is for Fresh Juice! Just blend Honey Syrup until you reach a nice, frothy texture and enjoy! Try one in the morning to start your day off right!

Editor's Note

We're just getting started, people! Wait until you see the glorious next issue!

RDM Issue 4

Rogueport Today

Dusk, Today

Goomez (age 40), known for napping in the flowers in the west side park, was found eating flowers and given a stern warning by authorities. Asked for comment, Goomez stated, "Well, I just really, really love flowers, and I was hanging out, and before I knew it, they were in my mouth... I'm so ashamed." Citizens of Rogueport responded with disbelief and grudging support for strengthening of flower-conservation efforts.

Shop Reporter Go!

This time, we introduce the Twilight Shop!

Watching the husband and wife proprietors of this shop at work is a heartwarming sight, but don't get on the hubby's bad side! "Don't you go smiling at MY wife!" says the jovially jealous shopkeeper. "I'm hers for life, and your fancy big-city teeth aren't gonna change that!" Well, who could doubt their eternal love? Surely not this reporter. We pressed the shopkeeper for further comment, but regret that his words are unprintable here...But we did learn from the little missus that there will be a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show her this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!

Cooking for Rookies

All right, my little rookies, we're on to an intermediate-level recipe today! The dish is a Healthy Salad... Just slice up a Turtley Leaf and a Horsetail, mix them together, and you're done! Great for dieters!

Editor's Note

That's all for today! But check your mailbox soon for another exciting issue!

RDM Issue 5

Rogueport Today

Local mystic Merluvlee (age 25) was taken to the hospital today, followed quickly by hordes of concerned fans. Luckily, according to a spokesperson for the hospital, Merluvlee suffered from nothing more than a severe case of indigestion caused by a wild binge on eight Shroom Steaks. The divine diviner exclaimed that her "aura was brimming with the power of steak," but this reporter can't help but wonder why she failed to predict the gastrointestinal adventure in the first place...

Shop Reporter Go!

This time, let's head to Keelhaul Galleria!

We are proud to toast the entrepreneurial spirit shown by the managerial team who brought free commerce to this deserted island! "I really wanted to do something that had never been done," gushed the unsinkable proprietor and former fight fan. "So call me 'The Invincible Shopmaster' from now on. I'm 100% serious. Print that." We wish him all the success that he can grab with two hands and wrestle to the mat!

Cooking for Rookies

Listen up, rookies, because here's another intermediate-level recipe! Today's dish is the single-serving Peach Tart! Take a Peachy Peach, add Cake Mix, stir, and bake! Try that at teatime, rookies...

Editor's Note

Thanks for reading the best rag in the land! See you next issue!

RDM Issue 6

Rogueport Today

An unknown businessman (age 30) was taken into custody today by port authorities as he tried to board the blimp carrying large amounts of a volatile red liquid. After a few tense moments, authorities identified the liquid as a spicy condiment, and the businessman was subsequently released. Our RDM reporters were mystified by the following unsolicited comment: "Buy our new Hot Sauce, folks!"

Shop Reporter Go!

This week, we have the pleasure of introducing the fabulously luxurious shop on the Excess Express, the Sales Stall!

This unique boutique on the exclusive train of the independently wealthy just reeks of money, but perhaps the idyllic landscapes rushing past will loosen your purse strings! Says the impeccably dressed manager of sales: "Come one, come all, be you rich or not at all, to our lovely Sales Stall!" He then announced a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show him this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!

Cooking for Rookies

This is it, rookies! You've finally made it to the big leagues! Today's recipe is an advanced-level one. Today, we'll be making Ink Pasta. Just boil Fresh Pasta until perfectly al dente and mix lightly with Inky Sauce. Perfecto! Get ready for gourmet chow tonight!

Editor's Note

Can you believe it, dear readers? The next issue will be our last! Don't miss it!

RDM Issue 7

Rogueport Today

In a shocking series of event today, local authorities report that Zess T. (age 55) delivered a left hook to the jaw of gadabout Flavio (age 25) late this very afternoon. Our investigation has revealed that the cause of the feisty fisticuffs may have been Zess T.'s anger that a shipment of gourmet ingredients spoiled on the dock because Flavio had held up the dock crew with a marathon two-day tale of high-seas adventure. While Flavio is recovering from temporary memory loss, Zess T. has already been approached by a Glitz Pit talent scout, Don Goombatti. "I think the kid's got spunk. We'll take the world by storm!" said Goombatti.

Shop Reporter Go!

This week we have an explosive exclusive on the shop in Fahr Outpost, Northwinds Mart!

It's so cold there that all of the merchandise is frozen to the counter...Just kidding! The smiling shop manager showed us a fascinating variety of good as the sweet-faced little miss explained, "It's cold out, but I do best to explode inside shop to warm place up, da? So come on it! This place is big, too, folks, so we haven't even seen all of it yet! Come on down and see it for yourself!

Cooking for Rookies

This is the final installment of Cooking for Rookies! Just to make sure we leave you with a smile on your face, our last recipe will be for Couple's Cake! Just simmer Spicy Soup for a few minutes, then drop in a Snow Bunny...and presto! Before your very eyes, the mixture will congeal and take the form of a cake! Eat it with someone you love!

Editor's Note

This is it, dear readers! The final issue! We here at the RDM office have enjoyed every minute of our hard work to bring you the best news and features! May we meet again...perhaps sooner than you think! (Wink, wink...)

Part 1: Waffle Kingdom Letter

Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] My big brother - that's you, Bro - got a letter from Princess Peach and took off. Left behind as usual, I was cooking a snack at home when another letter arrived. We don't get so much mail, so I was thinking, "Huh?". This is what the letter said: "Sirs! My name is Crepe. I am a cabinet minister in the far-off Waffle Kingdom. Our land has been attacked by the Chestnut King, who took our Princess Eclair. I ask, nay, BEG for your assistance! The Waffle Kingdom needs your skills. I humbly request your prompt response, sirs. Sincerely, Crepe". Well, I don't remember it exactly, but I think it went something like that. With Mario - that's you, Bro - gone, it fell to me to answer this plea! Hesitating only a teensy bit, I headed to the Waffle Kingdom to invesigate. Oh, no, first, I wrote a note to myself about what I was cooking. Then I left. Once I reached the Waffle Kingsome, I met Minister Crepe, who filled me in. The Chestnut King had kidnapped Princess Eclair and vanished. Apparently, though, some oracle said a Mavelous Compass could locate her. This Marvelous Compass had been broken into several parts by an ancient curse... and those parts had been scattered across the land. Can you believe it, Bro? Each part of the Marvelous Compass was said to point to the next. And since one of the parts was embedded in the tiara worn by the princess... I surmised that once I collected all the parts, I'd find her. Smart, huh? The minister gave me the compass base spoken of in Waffle fables... When it activated, the entire thing lit right up, indicating the deep south... It was pointing me toward the Rumblebump Volcano on the Pudding Continent. So, yeah, here I am! I'm sailing out of Rogueport for Rumblebump Volcano.It's probably gonna be pretty dangerous, but... I gotta rescue that princess!

Part 2: Rumblebump Volcano

Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] As soon as my ship docked on the Pudding Continent, I set out for the volcano. To reach my destination, I spent several days fording through dense jungle... Scary beasts were all over! More than once I thought I was done for, Bro! I may have screamed a bit. To scare them off, you know. But as fate would have it... A Blooper named Blooey heard me shrieking and found me in this one town. Blooey was on a journey of his own, but he joined me after hearing my tale. Now, Blooey's a madman. Back in his hometown, they call him 'White Torpedo'! Yeah, he's a tough guy. Anyway, he helped me fight to Rumplebumb Volcano. This place was all about bubbling lava pools and heat that'd make the sun sweat. AND, the place was lousy with evil traps designed to protect the compass piece. The scariest one of all was this gigantic, 100-foot-tall statue that stomped around. Now, the weakness of this giant statue, Bro, was a red gem on its forehead... Now, I can jump high, but not high enough to reach this thing by a long shot. So I came up with this plan for Blooey to hit that weak spot! 'All you, man!' I said! I waited for a pause in the statue's movements and hucked Blooey up there! And bull's-eye! The White Torpedo saved the day! That jewel got whacked! It was a critical hit, and that stone statue toppled and crumbled into pieces! Once that was done, it was an easy stroll to the room where the treasure was. Unfortunately, Princess Eclair was nowhere to be found... But I got another piece of the Marvelous Compass, and put it in the base... Now the compass pointed west, to Plumpbelly Village on the Strudel Continent. So I set sails once again and came back here to Rogueport to recharge. That's what happened to me lately, but I'll be heading back out soon.

Part 3: Plumpbelly Village

Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] Once we made landfall on the Strudel Continent, we made for Plumpbelly Village. Once we got there, though, we immediately noticed that something was wrong. We learned from the mayor that the town was ruled by a giant snake named Hizza! He said his own daughter was gonna be offered up as a sacrifice to this beast, too! So, of course, being heroic, I offered myself up to go in her stead! Brave, huh? Now, the custom was for sacrifices to be dressed as brides, so I got all dolled up... I was one hot sacrifice, Bro. I looked so good, I fooled our foes and got in Hizza's lair. It was kind of rough fighting in that gown, but I managed. Chiffon really chafes, Bro! I finally found Hizza... and the snake had a second head on his tail! Talk about scary! I fainted real quick, but when I came to, I managed to distract both heads... It reared up, fangs bared to attack, and at that moment, I deftly lunged left! His gaping mouths smashed into one another...and he vanished in a cloud of smoke! A shining plate fell down on the spot where Hizza's body had been coiled... Yes! Another compass piece! I set it, and it pointed east, to Circuit Break Island! Just as I was about to leave town, the mayor asked me to stay and marry his daughter. I thought about it, she was sorta cute, but we ended up sneaking off the next morning. I mean, I still have to rescue Princess Éclair from the Chestnut King! And...when the Marvelous Compass activated this time, I heard somebody's voice. It was so beautiful, Bro... I'm certain it was Princess Eclair's voice! My heart began to race! That's when I realized it, Princess Éclair... I think I... Oh! I kinda zoned out there. Umm... So, yeah. We set sail again after ditching town... And somehow we managed to get back here to Rogueport. And here I am!

Part 4: Circuit Break Island

Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] Just as our boat arrived on Circuit Break Island, we heard this incredible racket! We soon found out that they hold kart races almost every day on the island. Whoever takes first place gets to rule the island as King for that day. Just as we got to the race track, they were holding the awards ceremony... I couldn't believe my eye! Right there, on the trophy they gave to the winner... It was another piece of the Marvelous Compass! I almost dead passed away! I decided right then and there that the only thing to do was enter the next race. I mean, I've driven in karts before, so I thought I'd be OK. Boy, was I wrong. The karts were supercharged machines that could send you airborne with their exhaust! These vehicles were armed with missiles and bazookas... It was 'anything goes,' bro! Of course, I wanted to get out of there, pronto! These drivers were crazed! But I worked up my courage and signed up anyway. And my race day finally came... I got one of the best karts: the Big Green 01! I took my position at the start line... The light went green, I stomped the accelerator... and something bad happened. I was in reverse! The Big Green 01 went rocketing backwards with me yelling... I crashed into the wall behind me hard enough to cut me off midscream. In one fell swoop, I dropped into last place and wrecked my racing machine... But it wasn't all bad news: all the other karts crashed because of my manoeuver... Once I got in gear and took off, I was the only car left! I won by a country mile, bro! I took the piece off my trophy and added it to the Marvelous Compass... The compass came to life and pointed me toward Jazzafrazz Town in the east! Then I heard that voice! Princess Eclair's voice echoed in my ears again! Oh, my Princess! Random words would form poetry if spoken by your voice! I will most definitely save you! Just wait for me! Princess Éclair!! Oh! Sorry about that, Bro... umm... So, after that, I got back on my boat... And came back here to Rogueport. And that's what's been up with me.

Part 5: Jazzafrazz Town

Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] As soon as we hit Jazzafrazz town, we were overcome by the glitz and the glamour. It's a very lively place, Bro. Tons of Dayzees live there, and they're always smiling! While looking for a piece of the Compass, I met a hip Dayzee named Hayzee. Hayzee was a producer, and he was looking for actors to go on stage with him. I told him we couldn't, since we were looking for the compass part, you know. But Hayzee said we could WIN the compass part in the upcoming Drama Slam! He said the so-called Dramalama Plaque might, in fact, be one of the parts! Well, we just had to give it a try, so we rehearsed with the cast and hit the stage! Our musical was called "The Mystery of the Fiery Hat of Social Awareness". The script was great, but I got really hosed, Bro... My "role"... My "part"... Was grass! I played grass by the side of the road! Grass, Bro! Grass! I just sprawled out on the ground and had to be silent. Everyone but me had lines... I don't care if I was earning green! Who casts someone based on that? It was awful! In the end, our musical was the talk of the town, and we won the Drama Slam. I got the compass part I was after, but even that didn't make me very happy. The huge after-party just bummed me out more, so I snuck out the back door. But WOW! Outside were tons of fans! MY fans! Fans of grass! They swarmed me! I just couldn't believe it! Imagine! Cheering for grass! I was ecstatic, Bro! After that I added the piece to the Marvelous Compass, which pointed north. It pointed to the Rapturous Ruins in Grimble Forest. Then... The voice again... Oh, my cherished Princess Éclair! How you soothe me! I would be grass for you... I will find you! I will reach you! I will stand by your side and be your Luigi! Wow, sorry about that, Bro. umm... So, yeah, anyway... Then I got back on my boat. I came back to Rogueport, and here I am, another leg of my adventure completed!

Part 6: Rapturous Ruins

Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] After journeying deep into the Grimble Forest, I found the domed Rapturous Ruins. Inside, everything was pure white. You couldn't tell where the floor became walls... Proceeding dead ahead, I found myself in a chamber where a young boy sat. As I approached the boy, someone named Screamy appeared out of nowhere! Screamy said the boy's name was Cranberry, and that he'd wake for a child of fate. That didn't make any sense to me, so I started searching quietly for the compass piece. But then it happened, Bro: I got a tiny tickle in my nose, and I let out a huge sneeze! Well, Cranberry must've heard it, 'cause he opened his eyes right up! He looked at me and smiled. And all of a sudden, I could understand his language! Can you believe it? I learned that the boy was the last of an ancient race, the Luffs... He had been there guarding the Marvelous Compass piece for the last thousand years! He told me that the compass is an item with the power to see into the future... The ancient Luff empire used the power of the compass to rule much of the world. Because of their greed, they were cursed by the compass, and their empire collapsed. To prevent a repeat of their fate, Cranberry broke the compass into seven parts. He hid six and kept one, putting himself to sleep until a worthy hero woke him. I WAS that hero, Bro! He gave it to me, and then he and the ruins vanished... When I added that piece to the compass... It pointed to the far north, where Dreaded Hatesong Tower stands. This time, I heard Princess Eclair's voice more clearly than ever before! I will rescue the Princess! I will be super! And then I'll... I'll... I'll... Well, I'll figure the rest out later. Anyway, I headed back here to Rogueport after that. I'm making my final preparations for my final battle now. I'm a little nervous, Bro. But that's what I've been up to, anyway!

Part 7: Hatesong Tower

Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] Hatesong Tower stands atop a jagged, unclimbable cliff beyond the northernmost sea. The winds whistle down the cliff, howling like banshees singing songs of hate... People say it's pretty much the scariest place in the world. And I had to go there. Blocking out the bone-chilling howls, I somehow managed to reach the tower's door. I was terrified, but thoughts of Princess Éclair warmed my heart and gave me power. All of my companions felt the same way. They were with me to the bitter end. The door to the tower swung slowly open to reveal an inconceivable darkness... I tried to call out Princess Eclair's name, but I couldn't even breathe because... As I strained my eyes in the darkness, I saw the most terrifying beast of all! The Chestnut King himself appeared before me! He was monstrous and drooling! Puddles of toxic goo dripped from his mouth, melting the very ground at our feet! I couldn't stop shaking, but I gritted my teeth and faced the evil beast dead-on! I dodged the king's fangs, jumped onto his chest, and gave him a hammer-whack! My swing split the air and crashed dead-center onto the Chestnut King's skull! Hope powered me up, Bro! I was going toe-to-toe with the king, and I was loving it! "This is it" I thought! I can win this! I'll risk it all on my next blow! I gripped my hammer tight and waited for my moment... The tension stung me... SHHHHHWHAAAAACK! The ocean winds raged against the tower windows! With that sound as my call to battle, I advanced with no mercy in my heart! And then... And then... [Long pause] I beat him. I defeated the Chestnut King. An even worse beast came next, a nightmare thing... but I beat it too. [Beat] I rescued Princess Éclair It was all over. And then I came back to Rogueport and had a light lunch. And that's about it. [Beat] Huh? You think there's more to the story than that?

Part 8: Super Luigi Book

Luigi: Actually, know what? This guy actually novelized my adventure! He's been interviewing me! He was actually interviewing me here at the inn during breaks from my adventure! I didn't think anyone would be interested in reading a book about Luigi... But "Super Luigi" came out recently, and check this out, Bro: Here in Rogueport... It's set a new record for consecutive weeks at number one on the best-seller list!!! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hooray for Luigi, Bro! I started reading it the other day, but it's an encyclopedic account in multiple volumes... Excruciating detail, Bro. It's like a history book! ...It seemed like one, anyway. They've got it in the shop here in Rogueport. How about you snag a copy, Bro?

Part 1: The Fearsome Demon

• Ages ago, a city flourished here in peace in splendor, but it was destroyed in a single day by a demon from the dark beyond. Historians claim a great calamity befell the city, but nay... 'twas a demon. The city sank below ground, and one-quarter of the old city became the demon's den. This demon put fear into the hearts of all men and sent out minions to take the land. And its den, its palace, grew rich with the treasures stolen from all over the world.

Part 2: The Crystal Stars

• In order to increase its already formidable power the demon created Crystal Stars to hold the essence of the heavens. One of these stars was placed in each country to exert the demon's influence. One of the castles built to contain these stars still stands near Petal Meadows.

Part 3: Dragons and Dungeons

• The demon built a dungeon near its palace and filled it with terrifying monsters. All those who fell into disfavor were thrown into this dungeon to rot. Yea, and the demon also had three dragon pets: Hooktail, Gloomtail, and Bonetail. These dragons flew across the land, spreading fear and sorrow over all. Even now, the mere mention of a dragon is enough to give some the terrors...

Part 4: The Hero Who Arose

• One day, there came a hero who could vanquish the fell demon. The young Toad from Petal Meadows was strong of arm, but shy of voice. All those around the boy teased him endlessly about the way he spoke. But when the demon cast his fearful gaze across the lands and reached out, the young Toad used strength and honor to defend his people and he became a hero to all, despite his odd voice.

Part 5: The Wise Goomba

• There was a wise Goomba from Boggly Woods gifted in knowledge of the world. When beasts rose to take the woods, this knowledge helped the people fight them. And the Goomba, who knew the way that every monster would attack, she began to think of a way to banish all monsters from the land...

Part 6: The Stalwart Koopa

• A Koopa who traveled the world alone learned of the darkness covering the land. He went alone wherever evil dwelt and banished it with shell and sheer bravado. The monsters grew to fear this scar-riddled Koopa who thwarted them at every turn. But the brave Koopa was finally taken in a trap set for him by the monsters. But then, a Boo who fought with the monsters came and used her magic to free him. The brave Koopa's spirit melted the heart of the cold Boo lass...

Part 7: The Four Heroes

• The Boo used her powerful magic to learn more about the evil they faced. "We cannot destroy this darkness alone" she decided, her face a grim mask. "We need the Toad hero of Petal Meadows and the wise Goomba of Boggly Woods." The Boo's magic drew the four heroes together to send the demon from the world. And so, the four heroes finally set out to the Palace of Shadow...

Part 8: The Duel With the Demon

• The power of the world-devouring demon was more powerful than any could imagine, but the wise Goomba soon realized that this was the power of the Crystal Stars. She thought of a way to take the stars and use them against the demon. She told the other heroes her plan and set it in motion, banishing their fears. The Boo's magic and the Toad's strength created a gap in the demon's defenses. At that moment, the brave Koopa seized the stars and succeeded in badly damaging the demon...

Part 9: The Demon Sealed Within

• But even the brave Koopa's stroke was not enough to end the demon's reign. The wise Goomba thought of another use for the Crystal Stars in that dire hour. She suggested sealing the demon forever with the Crystal Stars. All agreed. The heroes matched their strengths with the power of the Crystal Stars and they successfully sealed the demon's soul within the deepest part of the palace. Together they made it out so that only all seven stars could break the seal...

Part 10: The Demon's Curse

• The four heroes thought they had sealed away the demon and all its power, but the demon used a tiny opening before the seal was complete to curse them all. While holding the Crystal Stars, they felt nothing, but when they let them go a black box would appear to seal their souls within. The four heroes travelled the world, scattering the stars so the seal would remain. But the last four stars carried the curse, which claimed each hero...

Part 11: The Great Tree and Punies

• The hiding places of many of the crystal stars have now faded into legend but some say that the wise Goomba hid one in the Great Tree. At that time, many monsters wandered in the nearby Boggly Woods. The tiny Punies were always tormented by their fierce appetites, it was said. Pitying them, the Goomba hollowed out the Great Tree for the Punies to live in. The Punies were so grateful they swore to protect the Crystal Star there...

Part 12: The Boo Heroine's Last Days

• Once the Boo heroine hid her star in a steeple, she was trapped in the nearby town. Some say the Crystal Star lies in that steeple still.

Part 13: The Pirate King Cortez

• The Koopa hero went to a southern isle to hide his star where none would find it. But the Koopa was so tired from his journey that the pirate Cortez stole it easily. In that very instant, the Koopa was trapped in an inescapable chest. But Cortez did not realize the power of the star and lost it among his treasures...

Part 14: The Toad Hero's Final Days

• The strong Toad held his star and continued his arduous journey. But eventually the miles took their toll upon him and he collapsed. A traveling healer happened by and saved his life but the Toad knew his fate was to be trapped in the box when the star was gone. So he asked the healer to hide the star in a secret place known to no one...

Part 15: All Becomes Legend

• After the demon was sealed within the Palace of Shadow, many refused to come near that place of terror. But as the years passed, entire generations forgot and the penniless and the immoral began to congregate in this once-barren place. This place soon became a populous harbor, the town of Rogueport, and some even began to say that the underground city held a legendary treasure. But they were unaware the demon slept beneath them still...

Part 16: The Magical Map

• The heroes knew the seal might not last forever and they sought to make the Crystal Stars available to one who might need them. So, before going to their individual dooms, they made a map to all the stars. And to prevent an evil force from misusing this map they placed it in a box that could only be opened by the pure of heart.