Pilot [1.01]

Phil: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: laugh out loud. OMG. WTF: Why the face? Um you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical so...xxxxx cccccc

Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.

Phil: Buddy, uncool.

Claire: That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

Phil: We were serious about that?

Claire: Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.

Luke: I'm so sorry!

Claire: Liar. Go.

Phil: He's got a birthday party.

Alex: What's more important here, Dad?

Claire: You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.

Phil: I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.

Alex: What about 3:00?

Claire: No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.

Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

Luke: Oh, come on!

The Bicycle Thief [1.02]

Mitchell: [To Cameron] Wow, paisley and pink? Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?

Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman... is that they both landed in this country illegally.

Come Fly With Me [1.03]

Phil: [To Dylan] Hey, come in. You're just in time to catch the end of the game. Come on, I'll catch you up. Okay, so that guy is the tying run - interesting story about him: he's been stuck on second base forever, and I'm pretty sure he's gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea - how are you and Haley doing?"

Gloria: I always wanted a daughter: to dress her up in pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter [laughing]. But just for a few times, I didn't want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died. [cut to Jay giving her a horrified look]

The Incident [1.04]

Cameron: Mitchell's mother has a problem with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Phil: [To Haley] Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, all like east coast - west coast, you feel me? [Cut to Phil by himself talking to the camera] Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it "peerenting". I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, "What's up sweat-hog?" [Cut back to Phil and Haley] Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me, I think concerts are rad? Hello, I was a hall-raiser!

Haley: A what?

Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.

Coal Digger [1.05]

Claire: [About Manny] Our son is not weird. What's weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.

Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.

Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug... creates a tripping hazard... and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Run for Your Wife [1.06]

Manny: [after being pull out of class] Is something wrong? Who's died?

Gloria: No one, Manny.

Jay: Why would you even think that?

Gloria: In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.

Mitchell: [To the Emergency Assistance] Help! We locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!

En Garde [1.07]

Cameron: Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.

Mitchell: Yeah, but Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.

Cameron: No, I don't.

Mitchell: Okay, your nephew's first birthday.

Cameron: That's not fair.

Mitchell: You brought a wind machine.

Cameron: To be fair, my vision was--

Mitchell: Cameron, you brought a wind machine.

Cameron: Who puts wheels on cribs?

Cameron: So there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?

Mitchell: No.

Cameron: Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.

Claire: Hey guys! I brought orange slices.

Cameron: Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. [to Alex and Haley] Ladies, come inside with me please. [to Claire and Mitchell] Work it out. Come on.

[Cameron and the girls leave the scene]

Mitchell: Thanks, Cam.

Claire: Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?

Mitchell: Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, Claire.

Claire: Yeah, 21 years ago...

Mitchell: Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...

Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.

Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Great Expectations [1.08]

Claire: You're impossible to buy for! You never want anything.

Phil: [Confessional] Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks... I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- oh! Yogurt maker! I can't not think of things I want.

Phil: [upon receiving Claire's gift] I am so excited. [Opens envelope] Coupons for...five free hugs.

Claire: You don't like it?

Phil: Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.

Fizbo [1.09]

Manny: I've tried everything to get her attention. Opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria. Nothing has worked.

Jay: Here's the deal. Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and since you don't have either one of those things... you're gonna be the funny guy.

Cameron: Hey, Phil... are you getting a Clown for today?

Phil: Er no, Luke er... Luke's not much of a Clown-fan.

Cameron: Really?

Phil: Yeah, never really liked them.

Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?

Phil: Has anyone?!

Phil: I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like, 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything... except for clowns. Never shared that with the family so, shh-- I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's because when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods, but who knows?

Undeck the Halls [1.10]

Claire: Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.

Phil: One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.

Claire: Phil's problem is follow-through.

Phil: We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.

Gloria: Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.

Jay: But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.

Manny: At least a baby can fit through a chimney.

Jay: How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Up All Night [1.11]

Javier: Hey, you're not leaving are you?

Manny: I've got school.

Javier: Wha--?! School!

Gloria: Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!

Javier: [points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?

Jay: He's weak.

Javier: Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.

Jay: I know but I kinda got work--

Javier: Pssh, work!

Manny: Go, Jay!

Gloria: Yes, go Jay, and take Manny with you, too!

Manny: Okay!

Gloria: NO, MANUEL ALBERTO! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!

Not in My House [1.12]

Alex: Did you draw on my poster?

Haley: Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.

Alex: I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.

Haley: Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.

Alex: That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.

Haley: Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.

Claire: Okay, I checked the rest of the computer in the house. I didn't find any more porn.

Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Fifteen Percent [1.13]

Mitchell: [To the florist, after Cam accidentally sets the flowers on fire and then runs screaming into the kitchen] Look at that, two things flaming at once!

Mitchell: I came out of the closet in my mid-twenties. I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it. I’m not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong like I had said, “Dad, I’m gray”

Moon Landing [1.14]

Alex: What's Jägermeister?

Phil: Um, well you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Phil: Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I'm betting these babies [points to fake mustache] are coming back in a big way. Buy low sell high. People are gonna see this and say... that guy is high.

My Funky Valentine [1.15]

Jay: [about a comedian] You're going to love him. Trust me, the guy’s hilarious.

Gloria: Okay, tell me one of his jokes.

Jay: Well, he doesn't do jokes.

Gloria: Does he have a mallet?

Jay: No.

Gloria: So then how does he get hit in the head?

Jay: He doesn't get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way- come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.

Gloria: Who the hell is Johnny Carson?

Jay: Oh, for God's sake.

[Cut to Jay and Gloria talking to the camera]

Jay: Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won't lie, it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers.

Gloria: No I didn't.

Jay: It's a joke.

Gloria: I don't get it.

Jay: Maybe that's because there's no mallet.

Gloria: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

Jay: [To Gloria] I have to get old... You don't have to get fat.

[Claire and Phil are pretending to be strangers at a hotel bar, Claire has just returned from the bathroom wearing her coat]

Claire: "Clive", I have a little something for you.

Phil: What is it?

Claire: [tosses something at Phil] My dress.

Phil: Oh..

Claire: My bra.

Phil: Oh, my...

Claire: My underwear.

Phil: My God!

Claire: Yeah. What do you say we take this upstairs?

Phil: This is so much better than cheesy garlic bread.

Fears [1.16]

Mitchell: [To Cameron, who has been over complimenting their pediatrician] Take it down a notch, we’re trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way.

Gloria: The party is at an amusement park and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.

Jay: Poor kid.

Gloria: I don't know where he gets his fear from, cause his father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.

Jay: But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come then you'll see fear in his eyes, like the waiter's a ghost.

Truth Be Told [1.17]

Claire: Women in their thirties on the Internet, they’re like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Claire: Denise? Do I know Denise?

Phil: Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.

Haley: Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.

Claire: Thank you.

Luke: You had a girlfriend before Mom?

Phil: Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.

Claire: And thank you.

Starry Night [1.18]

Phil: Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I, and I'm sorry but I'm not a micro-manager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without smothering him.

Claire: You think I smother our children?

Phil: It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word. You ever hear of anyone being sfathered to death?

Jay: [After Mitchell got sprayed by a skunk] The trouble is your clothes, just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.

Mitchell: You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?

Jay: Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.

Manny: If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!

Game Changer [1.19]

Jay: I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game--not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Gloria: Eh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Gloria: Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?

Manny: No its "I-E".

Gloria: Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.

Manny: I don't think they're trying to fool me.

Benched [1.20]

Mitchell: It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer. [mumbling] Fill her backpack with bricks, and throw her into Candycane River...

Phil: What’s my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird and he becomes one of those weird dudes that walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings? He can fly...

... unless he has absolutely no hand-eye co-ordination.

Alex: [Enters the car] Hey mom-

Claire: That was 20 minutes.

Alex: Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.

Claire: Oh honey, why so sweet?

Alex: Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.

Claire: Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!

Alex: Oh my gosh!

Claire: Yeah, that's right!

Alex: Thanks mom!

Claire: Go on, have a great time!

[Alex leaves the car smiling, running to friends]

Claire: [Yelling to Alex from a distance] Oh, Alex, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! [Mumbling] Teach her to screw with me.

Travels With Scout [1.21]

Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Airport 2010 [1.22]

Phil: [After he and Mitchell pop a lock on a window of Mitchell & Cameron's house, of which they are locked out] If you show enough houses you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me...I'm completely clueless.

Cameron: Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight, it's very stressful.

Mitchell: Yeah, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.

Cameron: I was on the flight with you, I don't recall - oh, I get it, you're talking about me, that's very funny.

Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.

Cameron: [Getting very emotional] All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.

Mitchell: Five hours of this.

Cameron: [In a bold, thick Geordie accent] I just wanted to dance at the ballet!

Hawaii [1.23]

Gloria: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it’s just like how some of my relatives got into this country!

Cameron: It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn’t like to walk. Sidenote: We’re very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Family Portrait [1.24]

Claire: Quick, quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out.

Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant.

Gloria: The question is, why isn’t all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living!

The Old Wagon [2.01]

Luke: [Holding up a picture he found] Mom, when was this from?

Claire: Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.

Phil: Incredible game.

Claire: Yeah.

Luke: Mom, you look really pretty.

Claire: Thank you sweetheart.

Luke: So, what happened?

Phil: Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-

Luke: I mean, what happened in the game?

Phil: [After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."

Phil: [confessional] You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me: my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises, but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.

Cam [confessional on Mitchell's poor and extremely dangerous construction skills] If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I'd be a very inspiring disabled person.

The Kiss [2.02]

Claire: Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were, and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.

Phil: Which is why we don't hide anything.

Claire: That is the opposite of what I just said.

Phil: I was not listening.

Claire: Where'd you go?

Alex: Nowhere. Just for a bike ride.

Haley: Oh, my God. Please tell me this text is wrong. Did you really just go over to that kid's house and try and kiss him in front of a million people?

Claire: Alex, did you do that?

Alex: You got a text?

Haley: Oh, yeah. Everybody knows. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?!

Alex: This is all your fault! You're the one who said I had to kiss him or I was a lesbian!

Claire: Haley, did you say that to her?

Haley: Oh, don't turn this on me! Look at her shoes!

Alex: I'm never going back to school now.

Claire: No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going back to school. But listen to me. Just because a boy sends you flirty texts doesn't mean you -

Alex: What?! You read my texts?!

Haley: You read her texts?! That's why you made me talk to her?!

Alex: You made her talk to me?!

Claire: I kind of feel like we're spinning out here a little bit. Look, Alex, the important thing here is that you have to be very careful how you behave around boys because it is so easy to get a reputation.

Alex: Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little good girl like you were!

Haley: Were you?

Claire: Oh.

Haley: Were you?! I highly doubt it!

Claire: [to Jay] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.

Jay: Really?

Claire: Yes.

Jay: You have trouble showing affection in public places?

Claire: Yes.

Jay: You?

Claire: [changes tone] Yes.

Jay: Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

[The kids walk in]

Haley: Oh my god, what?

Alex: You were arrested?

Luke: Awesome!

Claire: Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.

Jay: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire] I got a million of 'em.

Claire: Dad...

Earthquake [2.03]

Gloria: Jay, what are you wearing? You can't go to church like that.

Jay: Well, that settles it then. I'm going golfing.

Gloria: You're gonna miss church again? Last Sunday, you said that you had to go the office. The week before, you had breakfast with a friend.

Manny And before that, you thought you had a cold that turned out not to be a cold.

Jay: Because I babied it.

Gloria: You don't have to convince us. You have to convince Him.

Jay: Who, God? Me and God are good.

Gloria: How would you know?

Jay: Look, you feel God in church, which is great. I feel God out in nature, amongst his works.

Gloria: Are you gonna go to church next week?

Jay: We'll see.

Gloria: I know what "we'll see" means. If you're done with church, just say it.

Jay: I'm done with church.

Gloria: Don't say that!

Manny: Can I go golfing with you?

Jay: Eh, I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.

Strangers on a Treadmill [2.04]

(Phil and Claire walk in the living room to see Alex on the floor).

[[w:Characters of Modern Family#Claire: Alex.

[[w:Characters of Modern Family#Alex: (sadly) I have no friends.

Unplugged [2.05]

Halloween [2.06]

[Haley walks in with a revealing nurse costume]

Claire: What the hell is that?

Haley: What? You told me to put on an old costume.

Claire: Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.

Haley: Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa.

[Haley walks in with a short white dress and a nuns cap]

Claire: Are you kidding me?

Haley: What? I am her back then when she was hot.

Claire: I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.

Alex: I bet that's the first time you heard that.

Chirp [2.07]

Mitchell: [talking about Lilly being in a commercial] Let's just let Lily have a normal childhood.

Cameron: I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Cameron: [speaking into the phone] No, I think that amount'd be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I.. I think you're gonna be very happy with her. Okay.

Mitchell: Cam, did you just sell our baby?

Manny Get Your Gun [2.08]

[Gloria is looking for her car keys]

Jay: You know, we wouldn't be having this problem if you hadn't lost the spare set.

Gloria: I didn't lose them. Somebody came in here and stole them!

Jay: And left the car.

Mother Tucker [2.09]

Dance Dance Revelation [2.10]

Mitchell: [reading from the Mommy Forum to figure out what to do about Lily's biting] Well, this one says "when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face."

Cameron: Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL.

Jay: [to Manny and Luke] Boys, here's the only thing you need to know about being a man. Never let someone take what is yours.

Phil: Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others.

Jay: That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?

Phil: "We like to think we are so smart, and we have all the answers. And we want to pass all that on to our children, but if you scratch beneath the surface you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. Which is it's kind of crazy that now we're raising kids of our own. I guess that's the real circle of life."

Slow Down Your Neighbors [2.11]

Cameron: Every time we meet a new friend, they say one thing you don't like and you just write them off.

Mitchell: I do not!

Cameron: Oh, really? What about "But Yet Rachel"?

Mitchell: [mocking her] "I'd love to go but... yet... I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet"... not both.

Cameron: You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

Gloria: [to Jay and Manny, about learning to ride a bike] You two have fun. I pass. It makes no sense. There's no reason that thing should stay upright.

Jay: There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Our Children [2.12]

Phil: [about Alex putting pressure on herself to do well on her exam] This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence and it puts a lot of pressure on you.

Claire: What about me?

Phil: Sorry. Yeah. It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.

Mitchell: [about his night with Tracy] After that I didn't return any of her phone calls, and I haven't seen her since.

Cameron: [to Lily, who stole the sunglasses] You naughty little girl!

Mitchell: Well, you know that's what happens when you give me Kahlua.

Caught in the Act [2.13]

Claire: We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.

Phil: That's how they always look at us.

Phil: [on sex] It's like you're shaking hands, but you're not using your hands. At all.

Bixby's Back [2.14]

Phil: Never did catch what you do.

Claire: Didn't you?

Phil: Surprising, I know. I'm usually pretty good at catching things from women in bars.

Claire: Well Clive, I am just a bored housewife with a dark side and an hour to kill. [pulls out room key]

Phil: Is that what I think it is?

Claire: It's not a gift card... or maybe it is.

Princess Party [2.15]

Claire: So where is she? Where's Mom?

Jay: Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.

Mitchell: [to Claire] I thought she was coming with you.

Claire: Oh, no, no, I haven't seen Mom since, let's see....oh! she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night!

Jay: WHAT?!?

Mitchell: NO, MY GOD!!

Claire: Yeah, yeah. And then, she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep and then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie!"

Jay: What the hell is she doing, he's half her age!

[Mitchell and Claire give sarcastic looks at him and Gloria]

Jay: Don't say it.

Gloria: [slurringly] I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful, it has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be...that is the question.

Claire: Dad, what's going on over there?

Jay: She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax and washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Claire: [Talking about her ex-boyfriend] Every time he opens his mouth, I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.

Mitchell: You know, I never liked that guy. He used to always put me in a headlock. It is amazing, the freaks we used to date.

[Cameron leaps out from the dining room, dressed as Fizbo, in a court jester costume]

Cameron: [in a faux Cockney accent] 'Ello, guv'nor!

Mitchell: [In disbelief] I gotta jump. [hangs up] Alright... Let's hear it.

Cameron: Sir Fizbolot, royal court jester, at your service. I understand there's a little princess who's in need of a jolly good time!

Mitchell: [copying his faux Cockney accent] No!

Cameron: Your 'ighness said that the clown doesn't fit the princess theme, but methinks that a court jester is right as rain!

Mitchell: There goes the theory that an English accent makes everyone sound smart.

Regrets Only [2.16]

[Claire and Phil have had a fight earlier when Claire feels that Phil listens to everyone's opinion but hers]

Phil: Hey.

Claire: Hey

Phil: I wanna show you something.

Claire: Let me guess. It's a copy of the book that I begged you to read, but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.

Phil: [opens photo album in his hands] Remember this? [Claire murmurs assent] It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.

Claire: God, I hated that ponytail.

Phil: I know, you said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer so I cut it off. Just like I lost the feathered earring. And the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.

Claire: I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your life....

Phil: No! No no no no you're the witch who saved me! [Claire looks stunned] Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. [gestures to his face] You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a, a salad here and there, but...I've got Claire all over me.

Claire: [smiles] You're about to. [kisses him]

Two Monkeys and a Panda [2.17]

Cameron: [playing with Lily on his lap as Mitchell comes in] Hey daddy, how was the farmer's market?

Mitchell: Well, it was great but...guess what the new spinach is?

Cameron: Umm..radicchio?

Mitchell: [pulling a bunch out of his basket] Kale!

Cameron: [gasps] No!

Mitchell: I know, I was just as blown away as you are.

Cameron: Well, I guess we're going to have to...[leans close to Lily, claps and speaks in a very happy voice]...adopt, yay, a new attitude towards kale. Maybe we'll even adopt!! [clap clap clap] a new vinaigrette! Adopt! Yaaay!

Mitchell: K, what's going on here?

Cameron: I'm taking the negative charge out of the word adopted [to Lily] Yay!

Mitchell: What did Oprah do now?

Cameron: Well, she had a girl on who, at sixteen, found out that she was [covers Lily's ears] adopted and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper. And not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.

Mitchell: [strained grin] Okay.

Cameron: Alright, go get your gavel, Judge Judy

Mitchell: No, not at all. I'm adopting [cheers, Cam claps near Lily] a tolerant attitude towards your flights of lunacy.

Cameron: [to Lily] Adopting! Yay!

Boy's Night [2.18]

Jay: Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things. Have I told you the story about me and crab cakes? Thought I didn't like them, tried them, loved them.
Manny: Wow! Are the movie rights available for that one?

The Musical Man [2.19]

Cameron: Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?

Mitchell: I do not.

Cameron: You do it all the time! And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams....I heard it as soon as I said it, just leave it alone.

Someone to Watch Over Lily [2.20]

Mitchell: We've been dropping by unannounced to quietly assess all the candidates.

Cameron: Not all the candidates!

Mitchell: Yes, not all the candidates. We can't just drop by Missourah.

Cameron: That's Missouri. No one from Missouri says Missourah.

Mitchell: I'm so sorrah.

Mitchell: I'm sorry, did we come by at a bad time?

Claire: Try coming back seven years and five months from now when they're all gone!

Cameron: I just don't think Jay is the best one to raise Lily.

Mitchell: You know, Cam, he raised me.

Cameron: Oh, now you've put me in an awkward position.

Alex: Where are we?

Haley: The boys' locker room.

Alex: It smells like feet.

Haley: That's not feet.

Mother's Day [2.21]

Good Cop Bad Dog [2.22]

Jay: Honey, I love you, but you have to learn to say no to people.

Gloria: All right. Ask me if you can go golfing.

Jay: Other people.

Luke: I don't feel well.

Claire: Did you finish your milkshake?

Luke: I think that's the problem.

Guillermo: Last year, 4 billion dollars was spent on dog training.

Jay: That's not true.

Guillermo: I know; I was just as surprised as you are.

Jay: Yeah; you were surprised because it's not true.

Guillermo: So what is this multi-billion dollar industry missing?

Jay: Multi-billion dollars.

Phil: But I was going to take Luke and Manny go-karting for their good report cards.

Claire: What was good about Luke's report card?

Phil: ...He didn't lose it.

See You Next Fall [2.23]

The One That Got Away [2.24]

Dude Ranch [3.01]

Alex: Okay, Lily, I'm going to push you one more time. Now, don't kick me, okay? Lily! I said don't kick me! Okay?

Jimmy: You know it's your own fault that's happening. Why don't you trying standing behind her?

Alex: You are an idiot.

Jimmy: Oh, really. I ain't the gettin' kicked.

Alex: Why are you following me?

Jimmy: why are you fightin' me here, gorgeous? This works.

Alex: I really, really don't appreciate you calling me 'gorgeous'. I just wanna enjoy time with my family, so if you don't mind...

[he kisses her]

Jimmy: Not a problem. See you around, sunshine.

Lily: Hee hee. You kissed the boy.

Alex: No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily? Boy kissed me.

Alex: We need to talk.

Jimmy: What?

Alex: You stole my first kiss.

Jimmy: What are you talking about?

Alex: I had it all planned out. It was supposed to be special: someone with a high GPA and a bright future. Not a Mario brother.

Jimmy: Fine. You know what, I don't even want your kiss. Here you can have it back.

[he kisses her]

Jimmy: There. Now we're even.

Alex: Keep it. I don't, I don't want it anymore.

[she kisses him]

Alex: What am I doing?

Alex: I looked it up. The distance between our houses is 2,443 miles.

Jimmy: Yeah, but on some maps, that's like, pfft, this big.

Alex: God, you're stupid.

[they kiss]

When Good Kids Go Bad [3.02]

Phil on Wire [3.03]

Door to Door [3.04]

Phil: Okay, huddle up everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.

Luke: She just said that mom was Blind Side.

Phil: She's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played Tight End.

Alex: Offensive Line.

Phil: Sorry, African-American kid.

Manny: Excuse me, would you like some Christmas wrapping paper?

Jewish: Actually, I'm Jewish.

Manny: Then you must appreciate a good value.

Jay: Oy vey.

Mitchell: When you come back, there will be a great, big mess waiting for you.

Cameron: And I will give him a great, big hug.

Hit and Run [3.05]

Go Bullfrogs! [3.06]

Treehouse [3.07]

After the Fire [3.08]

Mitchell: We would have been here sooner, but this one had a wardrobe crisis.

Cameron: You know, it's a somber occasion, and all my tops are too joyful.

Mitchell: You do not want our problems.

Phil: I don't make the best decisions under pressure.

[cut to flashback]

Claire: Oh, my God! What the hell is that?

Phil: An alpaca. I bought the last one.

[while getting a massage, Jay accidentally said "I love you" to Phil]

Phil: I really need to talk to you.

Jay: You really don't.

Phil: Jay, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.

Jay: [relieved] Oh. Good for you!

Phil: Well, I'm not so sure. I mean, there's... there's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of 'em's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.

Haley: What just happened?

Alex: You have your fans. I have mine. Someday your fans are going to work for my fans.

Punkin Chunkin [3.09]

Haley: Saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.

Alex: This is not the time for moral equivocation.

Haley: Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.

Alex: You're the one who's going to lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.

Haley: All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did. So it's not really lying.

Alex: Listen to you! Are you gonna be a career criminal?

Haley: [scoffs] Oh, you sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school!

Phil: Hey friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.

Luke: The stress from my job at the Robot Assassin Factory is too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.

Phil: Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The real HeadScratcher features 32 patent pending nogginizers that gently massage your scalp. In a soothing purr of motorized delight.

Luke: Wow. It feels great, and it looks good too. It's a real life saver.

Phil: You mean, a real Head Scratcher?

Phil Dunphy, Luke: Hahahahahahhaha.

Phil: TM.

Cameron: There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

Express Christmas [3.10]

Lifetime Supply [3.11]

Egg Drop [3.12]

Mitchell: We're interviewing prospective mothers for adoption.

Cameron: It's quite an ordeal. You want to look good, make a good first impression. It's kind of like going on a first date.

Mitchell: Actually, it's the opposite of a first date. You don't want to have sex, but you do want to have a baby.

Alex: [Claire wants Alex to tell her how she did the egg drop project] I didn't want to do this, but here's what you do: First, get a mirror. Then, you will look at it and you're gonna see a crazy woman. She needs your help.

Claire: You know, I made the egg that made you that made that project, so in a lot of ways, that project is mine!

[Looks in mirror]

Claire: You're good.

Gloria: [Yelling on the phone in Spanish] Yes! Auntie! Yes! You're 73 years old, not 20! Of course, but I'm in the United States so kill yourself! Kill yourself, because I don't care!

[laughs]

Gloria: Ok, yes! I love you! Muah! Muah! Muah!

[hangs up]

Manny: I understood "crazy old witch," "go kill yourself," then "I love you."

Jay: I'll never get this; how you all yell at each other.

Gloria: That's how you know that your family loves you, when they feel free to scream at you.

Little Bo Bleep [3.13]

Me? Jealous? [3.14]

Hayley Dunphy: Oh, I'm sorry, were you trying to read?

Alex Dunphy: You're the one who tries to read.

Hayley Dunphy: Oh, my gosh! I am not that stupid!

Alex Dunphy: Seriously, Hayley, you think you are the coolest person ever!

Hayley Dunphy: Would you please stop just judging me and everything that I do?!

Alex Dunphy: Look at me! I'm so cool! (The girls kept arguing until Luke stops it.)

Luke Dunphy: ENOUGH! ENOUGH! I AM SO SICK OF YOU TWO FIGHTING ALL THE TIME! YOU'RE A BAD BIG SISTER, AND YOU'RE A BAD LITTLE SISTER! And you're both bad big sisters to me. Be normaler.

Aunt Mommy [3.15]