Pilot

Traffic Cop: You know why I pulled you over?

Lucifer Morningstar: Well, obviously you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It's okay, I understand. It's…I…I like to punish people too. Or, at least I used to.

Amenadiel: Your return to the underworld has been requested.

Lucifer: Oh, right. Okay. Let me just, uh…check my calendar. Yeah, here it is. Uh…the 7th of Never through to the 15th of Ain't Gonna Happen. How's that work for you guys? Ah, look…remind Dad that I quit Hell because I was sick and tired of playing a part in His play.

Amenadiel: I'm gonna warn you against disrespecting our Father, Lucifer.

Lucifer: Yeah, well, our Father's been disrespecting me since the beginning of time, so pot-kettle, don't you think?

Amenadiel: You…are a mockery of everything divine.

Lucifer: Thank you.

Chloe Decker: Why don't you tell me something? How did she end up dying in a hailstorm of bullets and you get away without a scratch? I think that's interesting, don't you?

Lucifer: The benefits of immortality.

Chloe: Immortality? Mm. Of course. Uh…you spell that with one or two "m"s? I always forget.

2Vile: You have a problem with black people?

Lucifer: No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music. And when I say your music, I mean your music, not the music made by other black people. Without the blues, there would be no Devil's music whatsoever. There are of course many giants in the field. Just not you. Am I being clear?

Trixie: My name's Beatrice but everybody calls me Trixie.

Lucifer: That's a hooker's name.

Trixie: What's a hooker?

Lucifer: Ask your mother.

Lucifer, Stay. Good Devil

Chloe: So our only evidence is currently in your lungs?

Lucifer: [amused] Aah, you really wanted to say "up in smoke" then, didn't you?

Chloe: [not amused] No. No, I most definitely did not.

Dr. Linda Martin: So you're the Devil?

Lucifer: Yes. Yes. Well, Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scratch. Actually, I like that one in particular. But, uh, those were the old me. These days, you just have plain old Lucifer.

Linda: And you've left Hell behind to take a vacation in Los Angeles?

Lucifer: Well, where else would I go?

Lucifer: What makes you different?

Chloe: I guess we both have our mysteries.

Lucifer: Ah. Well, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Linda: Sometimes it's easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.

Lucifer: Well, there are few things bigger than myself.

Linda: I'm well aware.

Lucifer: I think you like me.

Chloe: What part of the look on my face gives you that impression?

The Would-Be Prince of Darkness

Linda: You know, you say... you say people are phony here, but I think people come here to re-invent themselves. That's why I think you're here. To reinvent yourself.

Lucifer: Why would I mess with perfection?

Young Woman: Lucifer Morningstar, the guy who owns Lux?

Lucifer: Yes, that is me.

Young Woman: No it's not. I've seen him before, his beats are sick.

Lucifer: I very much beg your pardon?

Young Woman: Yeah, he performed at a rap battle in The Valley last week.

Lucifer: Every part of that sentence horrifies me.

Young Woman: It is so gross, that you're pretending to be someone you're not. And your accent is fake.

Chloe: Finally some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.

Lucifer: I can assure you He's in no way meteorologically-inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing and that was a one-off.

Lucifer: Do I get a code word? You know, for when you take her down. If so, might I suggest "monkey bottoms"? 'Cause trust me, I can work that into any sentence quite naturally.

Dan Espinoza: Once I engage with her, I will hire her to fix a problem of mine.

Lucifer: Right. Well, if it's that stick up your ass, I'm afraid there's no one strong enough to pull that out.

Manly Whatnots

Chloe: Let me make myself perfectly clear. I will never, ever, ever sleep with you. Never. Okay? Got it?

Lucifer: Playing hard to get. I like it.

Chloe: When Hell freezes over, Lucifer.

Lucifer: I can arrange that, actually.

Chloe: Where did you get this dress anyhow?

Lucifer: Oh, it was left behind by my one of my 'overnight guests'.

Chloe: What was she wearing when she left?

Lucifer: A smile.

Chloe: Mm. if I get an STD from this thing, I'm going to kill you.

Dan: What in God's name are you doing here?

Lucifer: Nothing in His name. Here on my own, actually.

Chloe: I thought you didn't lie.

Lucifer: I don't. But I don't always tell the whole truth.

Lucifer: Cool ranch puff?

Chloe: No, thanks.

Lucifer: No? It's funny, isn't it? You'd think the king of hellfire would be more of a flaming hot guy, but love these bad boys.

Sweet Kicks

Maze: But if you insist on continuing this exploration, maybe next time, I won't be around to save your ass.

Lucifer: Well, that is a shame. 'Cause you and my backside used to get on very well. My front side as well, actually.

Chloe: Please tell me I'm hallucinating.

Lucifer: Well, I am dreamy, but try to contain yourself.

Barista: And your name?

Maze: "Mazikeen".

Barista: How do you spell that?

Maze: Surprise me.

Lucifer: The good news is that whilst all dogs go to Heaven, you'd be surprised how many pigs are waiting for you in Hell.

Lucifer: I'm now an official civilian consultant for the LAPD. Not that there's anything civil about the Devil. What fun would that be?

Favorite Son

Lucifer: This poor sap's either already in Hell or in the "Silver City, enduring Uriel's welcome speech, which is far worse than Hell, if you ask me.

Chloe: Let's pretend for one second that you're someone else. Someone nice, someone mature.

Lucifer: Ooh, I love role-play.

Linda: And yet you keep trying on many hats to hide your horns. Playboy, cop, club owner...

Lucifer: Yes, you forget "master of all things tongue-related."

Linda: If only I knew someone who could help me with the Bible.

Amenadiel: (as Dr. Canaan) I know so much about it, it's almost as if I was there.

Lucifer: That was incredible. It was musical, poetic, really. We were like fish and chips, salt and pepper. Hipsters and condescension.

Chloe: I need your help like I need a third boob.

Lucifer: Hmm.

Chloe: Wait. Don't say a word. 'knew it was a mistake the minute it came out of my mouth.

Wingman

[at an illicit auction of allegedly holy artifacts, Lucifer and Amenadiel examine the goods]

Amenadiel: Paul's wrists were too thick to fit in those chains.

Lucifer: I know. That man never could pass on dessert, could he?

Amenadiel: He should have been the saint of…

Lucifer and Amenadiel: Honey cakes!

[the brothers laugh together, then awkwardly stop]

Chloe: Remember the Palmetto case I was telling you about?

Lucifer: The case that's been consuming you, causing people to despise you, call you names--I even quarreled on occasion because of it? No, doesn't ring a bell.

Lucifer: You're not busy, are you?

Chloe: Actually, shocker, I am busy. And it's really not a good day for…your…"Lucifer-ness."

Lucifer: Now, I'm not one to get into the feels, usually, but…you seem genuinely distressed. You okay? Do you want to—I don't know—chat about it or something? Sex is always on the table.

Amenadiel: You sure you don't want to chase after her? Maybe I can ask Father for some rain and make it a moment.

Et Tu, Doctor?

Dan: We brought you a birthday gift.

Lucifer: Is that the royal "we"?

Chloe: Whiskey with a pickle juice chaser. It's our station's birthday tradition.

Lucifer: Lovely! How can I refuse? Can I refuse?

Dan: Of course you can. and we'll always think less of you.

Lucifer: You're supposed to be on my side, you know.

Linda: No. I'm supposed to help you process your emotions so that you can deal with them constructively.

Lucifer: Yes, by being on my side and realizing that I'm right.

Linda: What's bothering you right now?

Lucifer: Well... right now I'm experiencing a very odd feeling. It's--it's like a fat man sitting on my chest. But not in a fun way.

Chloe: You. You're really in therapy?

Lucifer: Why is that so surprising?

Chloe: You're the least reflective person I know.

Lucifer: I have layers. I'm like an onion. An irresistible one.

Chloe: You don't save a marriage by sleeping with other people.

Lucifer: It can't hurt to try.

Chloe: Pretty sure it can.

A Priest Walks Into a Bar

[Father Frank enters Lux and approaches Lucifer]

Lucifer: A priest walks into a bar? I've heard this one before, never seen it, though.

Linda: Have you ever considered that all of this excessive partying may be your attempt to fill a void?

Lucifer: "Attempt"? I filled five voids last night.

Linda: That's not what I meant.

Lucifer: The most evil of people have the most normal names, I've experienced. Beware anyone named Keith.

Father Frank: We all have demons inside.

Lucifer: My demon tends the bar.

Father Frank: We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.

Lucifer: Yes, I know. But why does everybody always think it's a good plan?

[Lucifer tends to the mortally wounded Father Frank]

Father Frank: It's okay. I'm not afraid of dying.

Lucifer: Well, you should be. It's really boring where you're going.

Father Frank: Hope so. I've had enough excitement for one life.

Lucifer: [desperately] Stop talking like that! You've got more to do here, you've got more people to annoy!

[after Frank's death, Lucifer tries to process it all from his apartment]

Lucifer: You…You cruel, manipulative bastard. Is this all part of Your plan? It's all just a game to You, isn't it? Eh? Well, I know punishment, and he did not deserve that. He followed Your stupid rules and it still wasn't good enough! So what does it take to please You? Break Your rules, and you fall. Follow them, and you still lose! Doesn't matter whether you're a sinner! Doesn't matter whether you're a saint! Nobody can win, so what's the point? What's the bloody point?

Pops

Dan: Okay, monkey, surprise. You get to eat chocolate cake in bed tonight.

Trixie: Why?

Dan: Does it matter?

Trixie: Nope.

Dan: You don't care who you piss off, do you?

Lucifer: Not in the slightest, no.

Trixie: Is Lucifer here?

Maze: Who are you supposed to be?

Trixie: I'm Trixie, his friend.

Maze: His friends get worse and worse.

Maze: I made a friend today.

Linda: That's fantastic news. Who?

Maze: An eight-year-old girl who wandered into the bar.

Linda: Well... that's a start. Perhaps the next one can be of legal drinking age.

Chloe: I can't believe that I would let myself care for him again. I mean, why? So I get hurt?

Lucifer: Um, no, because you're a kind person who puts the needs of others before your own. It's a horrible irony that my father invented.

St. Lucifer

Lucifer: I love L.A. Even the homeless have an IMDB page.

Maze: You can't be mad at me forever.

Lucifer: Oh, but I can. It's one of the luxuries of being the Devil.

Chloe: Oh, God, what have I done?

Lucifer: Don't worry, my father's the forgiving sort. Well, except when it comes to me.

Lucifer: I know some folks who moved to Buenos Aires back in the day.

Vanessa Dunlear: Oh. Good people?

Lucifer: Nazis. No extradition treaty in Argentina. Just a nasty bunch of miscreants hiding in plain sight. Gosh, they got away with murder.

Chloe: Only you could turn a tragic death into an excuse to talk about you.

Lucifer: Well, who else would I talk about?

#TeamLucifer

Chloe: Where have you been?

Lucifer: Ah, you know me—busy, busy, No rest for the wicked.

Chloe: Right. 'Cause deviant foreplay is so time-consuming.

Maze: Want to watch?

Malcolm Graham: Just wanted to do my part for the man of the hour. [winks at Lucifer]

Lucifer: It's the wink with the porn 'stache sending the wrong message, I think.

Chloe: What happened?

Lucifer: Well…where do I begin? With the grandest fall in the history of time? Or perhaps the far more agonizing punishment that followed? To be blamed for every morsel of evil humanity's endured, every atrocity committed in my name? As though I wanted people to suffer. All I ever wanted was to be my own man here. To be judged for my own doing. And for that? I've been shown how truly powerless I am. That even the people trusted—the one person, you—could be used to hurt me.

Maze: Come on, you can't say this isn't the best sex you've ever had. Well, it is the only sex you've ever had, but still.

Lucifer: If that's supposed to be an offering to me, I decline on grounds of salmonella.

Take Me Back To Hell

Lucifer: So how's this? Step one, travel back in time and not make such a mess of things.

Amenadiel: You know, I'm suddenly reminded of why I wanted you dead in the first place.

Chloe: Just pretend you don't know Lucifer.

Dan: I already like it.

Lucifer: Look, I know you think I'm a bad guy, but I'm simply trying to catch our dear friend Malcolm…so I can tear his arms and legs off.

Lucifer: Don't move or 'wobbly head' gets it.

[critically wounded, Lucifer tries praying to his father for help]

Lucifer: I don't know if this is all part of the plan. Or if You can even hear me. But if You're up there…Dad…I need a favor. I'll be the son You always wanted me to be. I'll do as You ask. Go where You want me to. I…In exchange, all I ask is…is that You protect Chloe.

[last lines of the season: Lucifer tells Amenadiel about what he saw in his brief return to Hell]

Lucifer: I spoke to Dad.

Amenadiel: Excuse me?

Lucifer: Yeah. I offered Him my services in exchange f— Well, that really doesn't matter. He accepted.

Amendaiel: He replied to you.

Lucifer: Well, not in words, but His message was clear.

Amenadiel: And what does Father want?

Lucifer: Someone's escaped from Hell. Must've seen a window of opportunity whilst you were incapacitated. I think He wants me to bring our jailbird back.

Amenadiel: That's it? Well, it shouldn't be too hard to track down a single errant soul. [he chuckles, but stops when he notices Lucifer nervously tapping his drink glass] You're afraid.

Lucifer: Damn right I am.

Amenadiel: Right, but you're never afraid. Who could possibly scare you, brother? [beat] Lucifer…who escaped Hell?

Lucifer: Mum.

Everything's Coming Up Lucifer

Amenadiel: Luci, you don't think she helped Mom escape, do you?

Lucifer: Well, that doesn't sound like the kind of evil, duplicitous thing a demon would do, now, does it?

Lucifer: There's so much punishment, so little time.

Lucifer: Ah, well, there's no reason to thank me for my heroism. Well, maybe just a little. No one's stopping you.

Lucifer: They had sex. The only trouble was, they were celestial beings, so that moment created the universe.

Linda Martin: Mm, the Big Bang?

Lucifer: Never knew how appropriate the name was until now, did you?

Lucifer: Maze always turns up eventually. She's like a bad penny... in tight leather pants.

Roberta Beliard: She has so much cocaine up her nose, it would snow if you shook her.

Lucifer: Yes, I've tried that.

Liar, Liar, Slutty Dress on Fire

Charlotte Richards: I apologize for my human form, but…at least this one has supreme hindquarters.

Lucifer: You're lying.

Charlotte: No. They're quite sturdy, feel it.

Lucifer: I wasn't referring, nor will I ever refer, to your butt, Mother.

Charlotte: What happened to your wings, son?

Lucifer: I cut them off.

Charlotte: Why would you… I mean 'come to Earth', 'get a haircut', or something, but that's a little extreme.

Lucifer: You tell me not to ravage suspects in front of you. Now I can't do it behind your back either? I mean, make your mind up, detective?

Maze: You want me to babysit?

Lucifer: Well, "my mum in the body of a disturbingly hot woman"-sit, but yes, for now.

Charlotte: Mazikeen, what is this strange gooey substance that this boy is cooing about?

Maze: You watching porn?

Lucifer: I mean, how far can a celestial being trapped in a feeble human body for the first time get?

Maze: Well, let's see. She's stupid hot, wearing my clothes, and she's got a corporate credit card.

Lucifer: …bollocks.

Sin-Eater

[A murder victim has been found burned to death, with the fire started at his genitals.]

Lucifer: Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.

Chloe: Lucifer.

Lucifer: I mean, I've heard of hot pants, but this really brings new meaning to the term "fire crotch," doesn't it?

Chloe: Lucifer.

Lucifer: Wait. I have more. "Smokey Bobinson". "Weekend at Burnie's".

Ella Lopez: His burning bush?

Lucifer: Oh, very good! That was actually me, by the way, so don't tell anyone.

Chloe: [to Lucifer] Do not touch the charred crotch!... is a sentence I never thought I'd say out loud.

Charlotte: [about humans] They eat, darling. All they do is eat. And then afterwards, the food comes out changed, and not for the better.

Lucifer: [about a video platform's content moderators] So you think seeing someone they recognized in one of these twisted videos finally made them snap?

Chloe: Maybe it awakened something in them. Something that was always there just fighting to get out.

Lucifer: [scoffs] But... they were just trying to do a job. A job no one else wanted.

Chloe: Well, maybe they chose that for a reason.

Lucifer: Nobody chooses to be a sin-eater, Detective! [calmer] No one wants to be custodian of the world's filth. Why would they? Absorbing the worst humanity has to offer, day in and day out,... It changes you.

Chloe: So you think it's the job's fault that they started to punish?

Lucifer: People don't arrive broken. They start with passion and yearning, until something comes along that disabuses them of those notions.

Lucifer: "Judgment Day"? People should really be careful how they use that phrase. It isn't actually due for another couple of years.

Lady Parts

Maze: And how's that human husband?

Charlotte: I discovered a trick with him. Whenever he asks a question, I have sex with him. Seems to render him mute.

Maze: Hmm. Took me a while to figure that one out.

Chloe: How'd you get in here?

Maze: Let's just say Samantha at the front desk is no longer into men.

Lucifer: Yes, my first startup was a sex club, actually. Little place called "Eden." Perhaps you've heard of it.

Dan: Classic Chloe. Only you would make a point of remembering the exact amount of time you can't remember.

Lucifer: Oh, come on, who doesn't love a sex party? Then again, if you're me, every party's a sex party of sorts.

Lucifer: Oh, gosh, I detest cats. Want an animal to stare at you with contempt? Get a cat. Open a bag of excrement in your house. Cat.

Chloe: You're a very, very deranged person.

Maze: Thanks.

Weaponizer

Chloe: He had a drug problem, right?

Lucifer: Well, only if you consider ingesting millions of dollars of cocaine a problem. I call it a Tuesday. But apparently it's frowned upon.

Lucifer: Remind me at some point to give you a refresher on the meaning of loyalty.

Amenadiel: It's time that I face the truth, brother. I've fallen.

Lucifer: Well. Welcome to the club. Meetings are on Tuesdays.

Lucifer: For the next day or so, I'm going to need you to be unpredictable. Whatever you normally do, just do the opposite.

Chloe: Too bad. I was totally going to have sex with you today.

Lucifer: Really? [smiles, then realizes] ... Oh. Well played, Detective.

Amenadiel: You were gone for a really long time, mom. You might not know your children as well as you think you do.

Charlotte: You may be right. But, at least for now I have you and Lucifer. My brave boys. So, if I'm here on earth two more years or two hours, I will take every moment I can get.

Chloe: So, you used to be married to an action star, only to divorce him and marry another action star?

Jamie Lee Adrienne: Yeah, it was the 90s. We did a lot of coke.

Chloe: We can't control what happens to us only how it affects us and the choices we make.

Monster

Chloe: You look like hell.

Lucifer: Not heard that before.

Lucifer: Detective, I found you a lead.

Chloe: Where--in her mouth?

Lucifer: Yes, actually. Imagine what I can find in other orifices.

Chloe: Are you drunk?

Lucifer: I wish. Pesky supernatural metabolism keeps getting in the way.

Dr. Martin: If you change your mind, my door is always open.

Lucifer: Well, feel free to shut it.

Chloe: I don't buy it. Every time you say that you don't care or you're evil or you're the devil, I know that's not who you really are.

Chloe: Seriously? A sex swing?

Maze: I know, right? Wanna hop on?

My Little Monkey

Lucifer: (to Dan) Look, people like you. they find you helpful, like duct tape or a trusty socket wrench. I want you to teach me your secret. I want you to show me how to be a tool.

Chloe: What's the job?

Maze: Preschool aide

Trixie: Do you like little kids?

Maze: I've dealt with filthy screaming humans before. At least these are smaller.

Linda: You're a demon. He told me. I thought it was a sexual metaphor.

Maze: Well, you're not wrong there.

Lucifer: Actually, there is something that's been bugging me, Detective. Do you mind if I play the me's advocate for just a second?

Chloe: What's the job this time?

Maze: Topless maids. But apparently, I still have to do some cleaning. Screw that.

Maze: Come on. Let Mazikeen Smith buy you a drink. Maybe I'll devour your soul or something.

Trip to Stabby Town

Lucifer: I think I've broken my therapist. And now she's somewhere to the left of totally useless and to the right of babbling lunatic.

Chloe: Oh, so she's you in a skirt.

Ella: Come clean with me. Or I can't keep this a secret anymore.

Lucifer: You see, that's just it. The last person I came clean with became a tad untethered.

Ella: Dude, I grew up in Detroit.

[Linda is still processing the fact that Lucifer has been telling her the truth about who he is]

Linda: Oh, my God. I had sex with the Devil.

Lucifer: Many, many times. And you're welcome.

Ella: That's why great ideas come in the shower.

Lucifer: For me, it's usually women.

Ella: Favors are about faith.

Lucifer: Ugh. Please don't ruin favors for me.

Homewrecker

Lucifer: It's not my home, it never was.

Linda: And neither was Hell.

Lucifer: No. No, that was somewhere I was sent as punishment. Like the DMV, but less screaming.

Dr. Martin: I find that people make Los Angeles their home for one of two reasons: They're running from something, or looking for something.

Chloe: When were you going to mention that you're personally involved in this case?

Lucifer: When you asked me.

Lucifer: Dr. Linda had a crash course on celestial beings. It only melted her brain for about a week.

Lucifer: Doctor, this is my mom in a disturbingly hot body.

Lucifer: Detective, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Chloe: I doubt it.

Quid Pro Ho

Chloe: I bet you an arm and a leg, Mom, that he has no idea what today is.

Lucifer: That's not particularly wise of you to wager your lovely extremities, Detective.

Lucifer: Consider me an emotional jockstrap for the Decker family jewels.

Chloe: You've got a lot of nerve.

Charlotte: Yes, I've been told. And legs for days.

Chloe: Lucifer Morningstar is many things, but he is not a liar. Everything that Mr. Morningstar said on this stand is absolutely true. I was the first person on that crime scene and, yes, I shouldn't have been anywhere near it. But... I... let my emotions get the best of me. [clears throat] Lucifer is the... best partner... I have ever had. And I can only hope that he can count on me [voice trembles] as much as I count on him.

Penelope Decker: I used to believe everything happens for a reason. But now, I'm not so sure.

Amenadiel: [chuckles softly] Me neither. But I do know that no matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer... or inflict.

Penelope: That's well said.

Stewardess Interruptus

Chloe: [preparing to write in a notebook] Okay, a list of everyone you've slept with in the last eight weeks.

Lucifer: Right, you'll need a much bigger notepad.

Suki: [to Lucifer] You're my perfect man. Like porn and stuffed crust pizza and my 'Hello Kitty" blankie all rolled into one.

[Maze has just revealed that Dan slept with Charlotte Richards.]

Chloe: [to Lucifer] Dan slept with Charlotte?

Lucifer: Trust me, you're not half as disgusted by that as I am.

Chloe: Is there anyone who hasn't slept with that woman?!

Lucifer: Uh... [raises a hand]

Lucifer: I had an epiphany of sorts. You deserve someone worthy of you. And that isn't me.

Chloe: That's not what I've been saying, Lucifer.

Lucifer: I know. It's what I'm saying. You deserve someone better. Because you, Detective, are selfless to a nauseating degree. You always put your daughter first, even though the ungrateful urchin does nothing to contribute to the rent. [Chloe chuckles] So, you deserve someone worthy of that grace. Someone who knows every crime scene breaks your heart, even though you'd never admit it. Someone who actually appreciates your impossibly boring middle name, "Jane". And more importantly, Detective, you deserve someone as good as you. Because, well, you're special and I'm... I'm not worth it.

Love Handles

[Chloe wakes up from a sex dream involving her and Lucifer, only to see Maze sitting nearby eating popcorn.]

Maze: How was it?

Chloe: What are you doing in here?!

Chloe: What? I heard you scream, so I ran in to see if you were in danger. [amused] Then I figured out what was really going on. So I stayed to watch the show.

[Dan comes upon Lucifer and Charlotte talking, creating a tense moment.]

Charlotte: Detective

Dan: Counselor.

Lucifer: Douche.

Dan: Dick.

Charlotte: Well, I suppose that's my cue.

Lucifer: Oh! To Love Is to Die. Impressive work. I mean, to be a man playing a woman playing a man. It's absolutely dizzying. [off Chloe's look] What? Should I have said "spoiler"?

Chloe: [to a suspect about his e-mail user name] You are "DMan69", yeah?

Lucifer: That's a very clever play on words, by the way. Was "nevergetslaid#1" taken?

[Chloe types a provoking e-mail to the killer.]

Lucifer: [reading, chuckling] "You pathetic sad sack. No wonder you didn't get tenure. Your experiments are as ugly as you are." Well said, Detective.

Dan: [alarmed, but trying to be sarcastic] Seriously? Insulting a serial killer? That's an awesome idea.

Lucifer: Thank you. Also, his mask is a bit lame. Could've been much creepier. Put that in. [Chloe does]

Carlisle: You still don't get it. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. But I needed people to understand I'm not a monster. I'm human. You call it biology, call it God. But choice is an illusion. I didn't have one when I pulled myself out of that burning car. And I certainly don't have one now. You'll understand soon enough. [cuts his throat, killing himself]

A Good Day to Die

[Charlotte volunteers to go to Hell to bring back Lucifer]

Charlotte: I have a paralyzing fear of the place, but I would face a thousand Hells to save my son.

Candy Morningstar

Linda: And what about Detective Decker? I thought you two had become... close.

Lucifer: Well, everything I felt for her was smoke and mirrors, courtesy of dear old Dad. I mean, he clearly expected me to zig, and so I zagged.

Linda: And does Chloe know that you've... zagged Candy?

Charlotte: Tell me more about you and Lucifer. What comes next for you two lovebirds? Did he say anything about, uh, I don't know,... matricide?

Candy Morningstar: No, I think the mattress in the penthouse is pretty new.

Chloe: You really told Lucifer where I was? Since when do you guys talk.

Dan: Since he helped me save your life.

[Chloe has shot past Lucifer to disable a killer.]

Lucifer: [looking over his arm] There's not a scratch, Detective. Impressive marksmanship.

Chloe: Actually, I was aiming for you.

Charlotte: Since I escaped Hell, all I've wanted is to get back to the Silver City. To reunite our family.

Lucifer: You're still fantasizing about heavenly rebellion? Just let it go, Mum. Been there, done that, big fall.

Charlotte: But that's just it. Why do you think you lost that fight?

Lucifer: Oh, I don't know, let's have a think, shall we? Not enough cardio? The fact that dear old Dad's slightly almighty?

Deceptive Little Parasite

Linda: [referring to the gates of Heaven] Do you mean actual gates? Like big and pearly? Are we talking clouds? Harps? Old dudes in white robes?

Lucifer: And my Dad is Morgan Freeman? Focus, Doctor.

[in a school class about dealing with one's feelings]

Teacher: Trixie. Do you have any feelings you want to use? I know it's only your first time, but...

Trixie: I feel sad.

Teacher: Okay. Why?

Trixie: Because... my mommy almost died. Her job is scary. But she has to help so many other people with their problems. I don't want her to worry about mine. So I pretend I'm okay.

Lucifer: [gently] Well, welcome to the club of parental deceit, child. It's a lonely place, but that's the price of being clever.

God Johnson

"God" Johnson: I am so sorry that you suffered.

Charlotte: Well, I suppose I should apologize for trying to destroy your precious toy with floods and plagues and whatnot. I guess humanity isn't entirely awful. They did make vodka. Roller coasters. Triple-cream brie.

"God" Johnson: Well, I had no idea you were so angry with me.

Lucifer: Really? 'Cause I... I've been pretty upfront about it.

"God" Johnson: But to want to destroy me? That's pretty serious. You mind telling me why?

Lucifer: Because... Because I'm your son. And you rejected me.

"God" Johnson: Oh. Well, then I guess I can't say as I blame you. Fact of the matter is, I don't even remember why I was ever so angry with you to begin with. For what it's worth, I am sorry. I truly am. And I am proud of you, Samael. I'm proud of the man you've become.

[A now-recovered Johnson is saying goodbye to Lucifer.]

Johnson: Hey, They, uh, said we was arguing. If I did or said something to upset you, I apologize.

Lucifer: No. No, you were quite lovely, actually. For a brief moment, I though you were my father. A man for whom I harbor a great deal of resentment. And you said some things that I think I wish he'd always said to me. So, for that, I thank you.

Johnson: Well, I guess even a blind squirrel catches a nut every now and then. You take care of yourself. [gets in a taxi] Hey, does this mean you're not angry at your dad anymore?

Lucifer: No, I'm not angry. I'm bloody furious. Because I realize that my father would never say those things to me. And for that, I hate him all the more.

Sympathy for the Goddess

Amenadiel: It's Maze. She's angry with you, Brother.

Lucifer: [laughs] What, is it Tuesday already?

The Good, the Bad, and the Crispy

[Lucifer has used Azreal's Sword to cut a hole in the air leading to an empty dimension.]

Charlotte: What is that?

Lucifer: It's... It's nothing. At least for now. This is the real way to move forward, Mum. To create a whole new world. Your own world, without Father.

Charlotte: What about you? Amenadiel, my children?

Lucifer: You know that if we go back to Heaven, then there will be a war. And in war, there are always casualties.

Charlotte: The last thing I want is to hury my children.

Lucifer: I know. So, please.... Let there be light.

They're Back, Aren't They?

Marcus Pierce: You must be Lucifer.

Lucifer: Morningstar. [offers a hand] Pleasure.

Pierce: There was an investigation last year. We interviewed, what was it, ninety-two of your sexual partners? I think I'll refrain from physical contact, if you don't mind. [Lucifer chuckles] You don't seem reckless. Narcissistic, hedonistic. That I see.

Lucifer: Well, thank you very much.

Pierce: Not a compliment. Your file's as long as my johnson.

Lucifer: Oh? Quick read, then?

Pierce: Hardly.

Lucifer: Well, I, for one, don't need a file to ascertain you haven't even had a snog in ages, have you?

Pierce: Accurate.

Amenadiel: So what happened?

Lucifer: It was terrible, Brother. I was kidnapped.

Amenadiel: No, Luci. I meant Mom.

Lucifer: Oh. Well, didn't you get my text?

Amenadiel: What, you mean the string of nonsensical emojis? Fire, Sword, Doughnut, Spaceman, Clock, Dancing Lady, Flashlight, Thumbs Up. How am I supposed to know what that means?

Lucifer: [deciphering] "I ignited the Flaming Sword, used it to cut a hole in space and time, Mum's light flooded through it, then it closed up behind her. All good."

Chloe: Anyhow, it looks like Josh and Steve both come from family money. Basically bought this hotel just to have a place to party.

Lucifer: [without a trace of irony] Imagine, buying your own establishment just to fund your decadent lifestyle. It's absurd.

Chloe: [deadpan] Yeah, absurd.

Josh: [explaining that he thought a friend was pranking him] It's why I thought you weren't real cops. I mean, a guy named Lucifer and the chick from Hot Tub Hotel?

Lucifer: "High School". Hot Tub High School. She wasn't in the sequel.

Ella: You a believer? [Amenadiel nods] Well, then whatever it is you're going through, I'm sure it's all part of His plan. I mean, even the most pathetic, sad sack powerless creatures serve a purpose. Like Leo here [a piece of squirrel roadkill]. A van may have cracked his nuts in the middle of the desert, but he's still valuable evidence. That's the thing. You never know when your rock-bottom pain and humiliation can end up helping others. I mean, God works in mysterious ways. So, you just gotta believe that when He crushes your nuts, He does it for a reason.

Amenadiel: Lucifer, I'm not angry with you that you somehow got your wings back, or even that you cut them off again. As foul as that may be. I'm angry with myself. Because somehow, I made you feel like you couldn't confide in me.

Lucifer: Well, comparing body parts is never good for the male ego, especially between brothers.

The One with the Baby Carrot

Chloe: [looking through a victim's notebook] So what are these, jokes?

Lucifer: A charitable description, Detective. "Avacado, how about avaca-don't?" Would it be rude to throw tomatoes at a corpse?

Lucifer: It's no fun when they torture themselves.

Pierce: This is about the Sinnerman.

Lucifer: Right. I see what's happening here. A mysterious figure handing out favors, probably dashing and handsome. You think I'm the Sinnerman. [laughs] The truth is--

Pierce: You're not the Sinnerman. He's smart and calculated.

Lucifer: You don't know me. Maybe I am the Sinnerman. Surprise!

[Linda and Amenadiel quietly watch Lucifer's severed wings burn inside a dumpster.]

Linda: I thought this would be a little more... reverential, less angel wing dumpster fire.

Sheila: Jokes don't make a comedian. Everyone has an "itchy butt" joke. It's all about what you do with it.

Lucifer: What you do with your itchy butt?

Sheila: With the joke!

Mr. and Mrs. Mazikeen Smith

What Would Lucifer Do?

Lucifer: Rest easy. I'm not a thief. Your valuables are untouched. Unless, of course, you consider your wife a "valuable". In that case, I've touched her several times. Twice this morning.

Chloe: Hey, Lieutenant. You busy?

Pierce: Depends what you're gonna ask me next.

[Lucifer is high on marijuana and riding around on a horse.]

Chloe: Lucifer!

Lucifer: Detective.

Chloe: What is going on here? And how did you get that horse?

Lucifer: What horse?

Amenadiel: So, I've been, um, walking a mile in Lucifer's shoes, to learn more about him. To try to understand him.

Dan: Bro, what's there to understand? The guy does what he wants, says what he wants, he gets away with it. He parties constantly, he apparently has an endless supply of cash, drives a sick-ass ride (to bartender: "Thanks."), and gets to have sex with a different hot girl every night.

Amenadiel: .... What a terrible, lonely existence.

Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Sounds awful.

Lucifer: There was this, uh, soul that I used to torture back in Hell. And like a good masochist, he'd call the shots. "Burn me. Freeze me. Hurt me." So, I did. And this went on for centuries. Until one day, for some reason, he missed his daily punishment. And when I returned, he was crying. "Please, my King," he said. "Don't ever forget me again.... I promise I'll be good." It was then that I realized he was so full of self-loathing, void of any self-respect, that no matter the depth of my cruelty, whatever minuscule attention I paid gave meaning to his... pointless existence.

Welcome Back, Charlotte Richards

Chloe: Pierce called from the hospital 'cause, apparently, he never stops working. But we have a new case.

Lucifer: What, the case of the missing bedpan? Riveting.

Lucifer: [objecting to the concept of Trixie's swear jar ] I mean, what a ridiculous idea, Bad words? Determined by an arbitrary set of rules, just like my Father's? [hands Trixie two hundred-dollar bills] Here, child. This should buy you plenty of juicy words, you swear away.

Grace Foley: [to Chloe, thinking she's a model for the sexy commercial being filmed] What... why are your clothes still on?!

Lucifer: I ask myself that all the time.

Lucifer: It's Charlotte time. [boldly enters the interrogation room, sees who's in there] You're not Charlotte.

Larry: [a middle-aged man, clearly not Charlotte] And yet, people get us confused, like, all the time. [chuckles] Hi. Larry. Charlotte is busy at the moment, so Richards & Wheeler sent me.

Lucifer: [low whisper, to himself] Mother flunker.

Lucifer: Charlotte, where are you going?

Charlotte Richards: To join the Peace Corps, donate my entire savings to an orphanage or build a shelter for blind, one-legged puppies.

Lucifer: Well, as long as you're not being over-dramatic.

Vegas with Some Radish

[Trying to be discreet, Ella speaks to Lucifer in pig latin.]

Lucifer: Sorry, is that German? 'Cause if it is, it's absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know. Hitler was a talker. Well, a screamer, actually.

Lucifer: Miss Lopez, you are an enigma wrapped in a hoodie under a jaunty ponytail.

[Chloe and Linda are secretly fooling around in Lucifer's penthouse, getting progressively drunk.]

Chloe: [plays random keys on the piano, mock-imitating Lucifer's accent] "I'm Lucifer Morningstar. I can play the piano and I'm a fancy British man."

Linda: Let's go take a peek at his sock drawer.

Chloe: [mock outrage] But, Dr. Martin, you're his therapist. Aren't there rules against that?

Linda: Trust me. There's nothing I don't know about Lucifer Morningstar.

Chloe: Except what's in his sock drawer.

Lucifer: [speaking to who he believes is a sleeping Chloe] I'm not exactly sure what you're all doing here, but I imagine it's something to do with the fact that I wasn't. And the truth is... I went to Las Vegas. And even though it was for a very good reason, I didn't tell you because last time I went on a Vegas jaunt, there were some very unpleasant feelings involved. For both of us. And, well, I didn't want to dredge any of those up again. So, I bluffed. But I've come to realize that perhaps bluffing is the same as lying, and that's, as you know, something I never want to do. [gently caresses Chloe's back] Especially to you.

[Lucifer has given Chloe a pendant made from the bullet she shot into his leg ("Manly Whatnots").]

Lucifer: Well, I thought since I'd never likely penetrate you, I'd commemorate the one time you penetrated me. [shares a laugh with Chloe] So, Happy Birthday, Detective.

Off the Record

Lucifer: I have a story for you, Reporter. One I've never told a human soul before. I take no part in who goes to Hell.

Reese: Then who does?

Lucifer: You humans. [chuckles] You send yourselves, driven down by your own guilt, forcing yourselves to relive your sins over and over. And the best part? The doors aren't locked. You could leave any time. It says something that no one ever does, doesn't it?

Chloe Does Lucifer

Benji: You're not paparazzi? Oh, thank God.

Lucifer: Ugh. Man, the things Dad gets credit for.

The Sinnerman

The Sin Bin

[Pierce arrives at Lux to find Lucifer alone at the bar]

Pierce: Well I'm here. This couldn't have waited until morning?

Lucifer: Time-sensitive, I'm afraid. In a way, the opposite.

Pierce: Just tell me what you want.

Lucifer: Right. Well, we're both familiar with the accomplice theory, that our blind barbarian had someone working for him. ["Yeah."] Well it occurred to me that…what if the Sinnerman was the one working for someone else? What if he was the accomplice? Exhibit A. [he pulls out the photo of the young Sinnerman] Here is Mr. Sinnerman as a child, with a man he seems very close to. Interesting birthmark. It's a very similar shape to your military tattoo, actually, wouldn't you agree? ["So?"] Well, so it stands to reason that this man would be very very old by now. Or, if he isn't, he'd have to be…[laughs] immortal.

Pierce: [stone-faced] An immortal crime boss. Just like you're the Devil.

Lucifer: Ha. Yes, I know, it does sound absurd, doesn't it? So, as such, there's really only one way to prove my theory. [reaches over the bar] Where did I—ah, there it is.

[Lucifer grabs a knife from the bar and plunges it into Pierce's chest. The police officer staggers to the floor and sprawls out, dead. Lucifer returns to his seat at the bar, nurses his drink for about a minute…and Pierce revives, grunting and roaring as he pulls at the knife handle]

Lucifer: I wonder why I didn't figure it out sooner. The world's first murderer. Marked by God and doomed to walk the earth alone for a tortured eternity. It's quite the moniker! Yet, still, nowhere near as ridiculous as "The Sinnerman."

[Pierce stands and pulls the knife out, and Lucifer looks him eye to eye]

Lucifer: Wouldn't you agree…Cain?

[his secret out, Cain catches his breath and sits at the bar next to Lucifer]

Cain: You may as well pour me one too.

City of Angels?

[Lucifer is walking down a sidewalk in 2011 dressed in John Travolta's iconic white suit from Saturday Night Fever.]

Female jogger: Nice suit.

Lucifer: Thank you very much.

Female jogger: My grandpa had one just like it.

Lucifer: Grandfather? But.... This was the height of fashion last time I visited.

[Amenadiel has interrupted Lucifer's partying by stopping time.]

Lucifer: How can someone who can literally control time have such atrocious timing?

Lucifer: [regarding piano music at an outdoor bar] Oh. Brother, listen to that. Ah. I haven't heard music like that since, well, since the Silver City.

Amenadiel: What, there's no music in Hell?

Lucifer: Only for torture and usually out of tune. Lately, we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Gosh, you should hear the screams.

Amenadiel: Thanks for your help. I mean, I will admit that I was a bit skeptical of your plan, but this might actually work.

Lucifer: Yes, of course it'll work, Brother. That's why you asked me, remember? Someone crafty, smart--

Amenadiel: And evil. [laughs good-naturedly]

Lucifer: [a bit stunned] Evil?

Amenadiel: Well, if you want to find a deplorable criminal, you just ask... Well, you know what I mean, Luci. Come on. You are the Devil, after all.

All About Her

Charlotte: [to Pierce about how he takes his coffee] Cream? Sugar? Or do you take it dark and bitter, like your soul?

Pierce: I have walked this Earth for thousands of years. I have seen everything, I have done everything. I have watched everything I've ever known turn to ashes over and over again.

Lucifer: Oh, it's almost like you're in--

Pierce: Hell? Yeah.

'Til Death Do Us Part

[Cain arrives at Lucifer's penthouse, but it appears Lucifer isn't home]

Cain: Lucifer? Lucifer? Hello, Lucifer?

[Lucifer steps out from the bedroom, welding mask on his face and revving a chainsaw, but stops when he sees Cain's bored look]

Cain: If it were that easy to kill me, I'd have been dead a long time ago!

Lucifer: What, you survived molten lava?

Cain: Yeah, it was a rough six months. Whatever I do, I just…regrow.

Lucifer: Like a blue-eyed, square-jawed tapeworm. So, if I cut you exactly in half, would there be two Pierces?

Cain: No. Only one side would heal. I call it the master molecule theory—

Lucifer: Yes, yes, Wolverine rules. I get it.

Cain: Why are you doing this?

Lucifer: Well, how am I supposed to solve the mystery of how to kill you if I don't under stand you first? Your strengths, your weaknesses. Because everyone has a kryptonite, Lieutenant.

Chloe: Pierce! Lieutenant, you're still here. D-does that mean you've decided to stay or...?

Cain: Yeah, at least for now.

Chloe: Oh! That's great! That's really, really great.

Cain: Two "reallys"? Really?

My Brother's Keeper

Lucifer: Ah, the diamond industry. Truly the greatest trick someone other than me played on the world. Thousands of dollars for lumps of old coal. Incredible.

Lucifer: How do know so much about diamonds?

Chloe: Well, I've watched enough Real Housewives to fake it with the best of them.

Cain: By chance, do you have any idea how annoying it is to be an immortal human being?

Amenadiel: I can't say that I do.

Cain: Oh, well, let me enlighten you. You see, first you get to watch everyone you love die, over and over. And that sucks. And on top of that, it's boring. I've been everywhere there is to go, I've tried every kind of food. Sex, music... Nothing surprises me anymore,

Amenadiel: Have you tried Game of Thrones?

[Cain threatens to kill an innocent human if Amenadiel won't remove his mark.]

Amenadiel: You wouldn't.

Cain: I killed my own brother. What makes you think I wouldn't kill some random person to finally have peace? Maybe the guy wearing the scarf indoors, no one will miss him.

Lucifer: Miss Lopez puts a lot of faith in you, and losing that faith would hurt her. And I won't allow that to happen.

Jay Lopez: [hands over a bag of stolen diamonds] I'll get my act together, I promise.

Lucifer: No need to promise, Jay Lopez. Because I'll be watching you, and if you ever disappoint her again, [eyes glimmer for a second] I'll come for you.

High School Poppycock

Lucifer: Daniel. Your head is mostly empty.

Dan: [distracted] Huh?

Lucifer: Exactly, and yet you manage to do this improv thing.

Chloe: Who's Todd Cornwell?

Ella: Exacty. Todd Cornwell... Class loner, acne, Coke-bottle glasses, whole bit. Went to college overseas, and when I stalked Kathleen's classmates online, Todd was the only one with zero social media presence.

Chloe: Lucifer. You could go as Todd.

Dan: Yeah. No, seriously. Look, he looks just like you.

Lucifer: Has all that masturbation finally caught up with your eyesight, Daniel? No one would believe that, even if I tell them I've had a face and body transplant.

Lucifer: You know, a high school reunion is a very popular torture in Hell.

Infernal Guinea Pig

Cain: Back up. My brother is in Hell?

Lucifer: Yes, of course. In fact, he's our oldest tenant.

Cain: I knew it. Do you know how many times I've tied to tell people? Abel is the asshat. No one ever believes me.

Lucifer: Well, how much do you hate your brother on a scale of one to ten?

Cain: One thousand, infinity, plus one.

Let Pinhead Sing!

[Lucifer has been stabbed in the shoulder by someone threatening Chloe with a knife.]

Chloe: What were you thinking, tackling somebody with a knife?

Lucifer: It's not me I was worried about, Detective.

The Last Heartbreak

Orange Is the New Maze

The Angel of San Bernardino

Maze: I know the only thing that matters to you more than Chloe—you. Easiest way to spin you around is to delve into those daddy issues. "I can't get rid of my wings! Daddy's controlling me! Wah wah wah."

Anything Pierce Can Do I Can Do Better

Linda: The truth is, no one really knows what your Dad's responsible for. We're all just guessing. Even you. But do you know the one thing He can't control? What you do in this moment, right now. So I ask you, the Devil,.... What do you... truly desire?

Lucifer: .... I want her (Chloe) to choose me.

Linda: Then tell her.

All Hands On Decker

Quintessential Deckerstar

Package Deliveryman: [to Lucifer] You Dan Espinoza?

Lucifer: How dare you?

A Devil of My Word

[Lucifer fights Cain, getting him in a wrist lock and trapping his knife hand]

Lucifer: I promised you…that I would find a way to kill you. [breaks Cain's wrist, forces his arm back to stab him with his own knife, and knocks him to the floor] I am a devil of my word!

Cain: [mortally wounded] Is Chloe okay?

Lucifer: She's fine. No thanks to you.

Cain: [struggling to breathe and laughing] Now that I'm dying, I don't know what I was so afraid of. I'm going to Heaven.

Lucifer: You really believe that?

Cain: I told you, Lucifer, I don't regret anything I've done.

Lucifer: Yes. But, that was before you killed Charlotte Richards.

Cain: No. No, that was an accident.

Lucifer: Oh, you pulled the trigger. You ended her life. You chose to kill her. Deep down, you know you're a monster…and that you belong in Hell, where you will torture yourself with that truth for eternity. 'Cause no matter what you tell yourself…you can't outrun what you've done. [his eyes glow red and the skin on his face crackles with electricity] What you truly are.

Cain: And neither can you. [he laughs, gasps, and finally expires]

. . .

[Chloe walks in and sees Lucifer crouched by Cain's body]

Chloe: Lucifer? …Lucifer?

[he rises and she finally sees his devil face for the first time, realizing…]

Chloe: It's all true.

Lucifer: [unaware] Detective?

Chloe: …it's all true.

Boo Normal

Once Upon A Time

Narrator/God: Amazing what changing one tiny detail can do. A butterfly flaps its wings, and good friends are strangers.... People accuse me of being controlling. And yes, I may have put Chloe in Lucifer's path. But what if I didn't? Would they still get together?

Lucifer: [to Dan] Well, if it isn't Detective Dildo of the L.A.P.D. You still out there leaving crimes unsolved?

John Decker: I know I've made mistakes, Chlo. Lots of them. But, honey, I've never underestimated you.

Chloe: Then how come any time I've ever shown any interest in your job, you either change the subject or you push me away?

John Decker: Because you're way smarter than me. You're more headstrong than your mother. And it scared me. I mean, what if you wanted to become a cop?

Chloe: What if I did?

John Decker: Oh, Monkey. I've been shot at, beat up, chased by a naked guy with a harpoon once. And none of those things scare me as much as thinking of you in those situations. It was never about whether you could handle it. It was whether I could. And I'm sorry. But a parent just wants what's best for their child.

Narrator/God: Choice is a funny thing. Give someone different options, different circumstances, will they themselves end up different? Sure, they might end up with a different job, find inspiration from different people. But will they still be the same person at their core? Some might continue down a darker path, never knowing there was a different way. The potential buried deep down, but still there. Some make immoral choices instead of moral ones. But they will still have the same conscience. The question is, will they ever make the choice to listen to it? And sometimes, it isn't the right moment in someone's life to make a certain choice. And no matter how badly you want to nudge them in the right direction,... you know they need to find it on their own. And some people find love in the strangest of situations, and are, somehow, happier for it.... And some, no matter how you shake things up, end up making the same choices, are drawn to the same people, the same passions. So all seems to have ended well. Does that mean I never should've manipulated things to begin with? I have a better question: Wouldn't you do the same in my shoes? After all, a parent just wants what's best for their child.

Everything's Okay

[Chloe is disturbingly calm upon her return home after learning the truth about Lucifer.]

Lucifer: Detective,... Are you okay with... me?

Chloe: Well, it's not like you haven't always told me the truth. You know? So... I think, deep down, I just... I always knew.

Lucifer: But how does it make you feel? Afraid? Terrified? Do you want to yell at me? Punch me in the face? Run away again?

Chloe: I.. I think I just want to get back to work.

Lucifer: That's all?

Chloe: That's all. [walks off]

Lucifer: What the f-- [Theme music plays]

Lucifer: [staring right into Ella's eyes] I'm the Devil.

Chloe: [growing concerned] Lucifer, what are you doing?

Lucifer: Detective, it's time Miss Lopez finally knew the truth. [to Ella, still holding her eyes] I am the angel who led a rebellion against my Father, God. I was banished to Hell afterwards where I ruled as King over the souls of the damned.

Ella: [softly] Lucifer, it all makes sense now.

[After a long beat, Ella facade breaks and she smiles.]

Ella: Dammit, I tried to keep a straight face, I really did. Man. How? How do you stay in character like that?

Lucifer: [strained amusement] Well, it's simple really. It's all true.

Lucifer: Detective, this is a chance for me to use my devilish strength. You can see what I'm truly capable of.

Chloe: Or I can just point my gun at him and yell, "Freeze!"

Lucifer: Oh, come on. I've never really seen how far I can actually throw a human. Joking. Mostly.

Reynolds: Look, I'm sorry, but when you're dealing with someone like Bob the Knob,--

[Lucifer snickers]

Lucifer: Sorry. Seriously? "Bob the Knob"? [laughs] What was he in Witness Protection for? Bad porn?

Lucifer: It's not your job to punish, Marshall Reynolds. It's mine.

Somebody's Been Reading Dante's Inferno

Ella: [explaining a reality show prop] This... is the Teflon Totem. Only one... is hidden on The Cabin per season. You find this bad boy and you are safe from elimination. Guess where I found it.

Lucifer: Well, if it keeps you safe from elimination, I'd say tucked right up in the--

Ella: Melinda's pocket! Isn't that crazy?

[interviewing The Cabin contestants]

Ira the Beardy Hipster: Secrets are part of the game. But they're part of life, too. At the end of the day, aren't we all putting on a facade?

Lucifer: I know I am. [whispers to Chloe] Pretending like these people don't stink like a pack of wildebeests. Do they actually bathe on this show?

Kylie: I can hear you.

Lucifer: Can you? But can you smell me?

Chloe: So... you don't bite the heads off of children?

Lucifer: No, of course not. I detest the little creatures. And I'd certainly never put one in my mouth.

[Lucifer has just saved Chloe by jumping in front of an ax thrown at her by the murderer.]

Chloe: [pressing the ax blade gently on Lucifer's bare chest] If I pushed this into your chest,... It would kill you.

Lucifer: Yes.

Chloe: Because I'm close to you.

Lucifer: Yes.

Chloe: But you jumped in front of it anyway.

Lucifer: Yes. And I would do it again. And again. Don't you know that, Detective?

O, Ye of Little Faith, Father

Father Kinley: You see, I'm not a normal priest.

Lucifer: [laughs] Was there ever such a thing?

Father Kinley: I mean I'm not a normal priest in the sense that I don't have my own congregation. I am a... I'm an investigator. For the Vatican. [offers a business card]

Lucifer: Vatican investigator? Sounds like a soon-to-be-cancelled TV show.

Lucifer: Brother. You look like I feel.

Amenadiel: No, I'm pretty sure that my issues are much bigger than yours. Trust me.

Lucifer: I think we all know nothing is bigger than mine. The strangest thing just happened--

Amenadiel: Linda's pregnant.

Lucifer: We'll call it a tie,

Lucifer: What do you do when someone has betrayed you? Normally, I'd go straight to punishment. Fire, brimstone. Public humiliation via YouTube.

Lucifer: [to Father Kinley] A ceremony to banish the Devil to Hell? That is priceless. [laughs] No, seriously, you all need to take End of Days out of the Vatican Movie Night rotation. Definitely not one of Arnold's best.

Chloe: I arrested Father Kinley, so you don't have to worry about him coming after you anymore.

Lucifer: I don't care that he was trying to hurt me. I care that you were.

All About Eve

Eve: People always forget... I didn't choose Adam. I was created for him. Turns out an arranged existence kind of takes the spark out of things. [sighs] We got along just fine, but I don't think he ever really loved me. Not the real me, you know.

Lucifer: It hurts, not being accepted for who you are.... I.. I would imagine.

Lucifer: Sorry I'm not up for more tonight.

Eve: Yeah. Where'd my fun Luce go?

Lucifer: I'm still fun. Just... caught me at a bad time is all.

Eve: I get it. Can't expect the Devil to suddenly make his life all about Eve. [both smile at the reference]

Nurse: [performing an ultrasound on Linda] Okay, do you see that little protrusion right there? You're having a boy.

Amenadiel: A boy?

Maze: Better luck next time.

Amenadiel: Do you see a second protrusion anywhere? Maybe even a third?

Nurse: Uh, typically, there's only one penis.

Amenadiel: Nah. I was looking for the wings.

Lucifer: Hello there, I'm Lucifer. Lucifer Morning--

Model: Yes.

Lucifer: Yes to what?

Model: Anything.

Lucifer: [pleased] Still got it.

Chloe: [About Lucifer] I miss him. I mean, he pisses me off all the time. And there are so many things about him that... that I find hard to accept, but I just have to believe I can find a way. Because... I'd rather have him in my life than not.

Expire Erect

Lucifer: [handing his car keys to a valet] Return it with so much as a scratch and I'll see you in Hell.

[Lucifer has taken down a fleeing suspect by throwing a tire at him.]

Lucifer: See? Didn't have to chase him at all. He got tired. [Chloe groans] Oh, come on, I thought that was one of my better puns.

Amenadiel: Eve. What are you doing here? Did you hurt Lucifer?

Eve: Only when he asked me nicely.

Lucifer: For our next case, try not to bring a trigger-happy murderer to one of my parties. It kills the buzz.

Amenadiel: After all that you've been through, Chloe, what you're worried about most is what's best for those that you care about. No wonder your dad is so proud of you.

Chloe: Oh, that's sweet, but you know, my dad, he...

[Amenadiel gives her a knowing look and smiles.]

Chloe: He... [realizes] Oh! Right. Thank you.

Orgy Pants to Work

Eve: "Maze"? As in "Mazikeen of the Lilim"? Oh. Oh, wow. I am so grateful to you. I mean, this world is full of dumbass rules. You know, "No drugs for breakfast!" or 'Put on some clothes!". But you. For years, you've been the keeper of Lucifer's devilish flame. He just forgot to mention you were so damn hot.

Maze: [to Lucifer] I like her.

Herb: [on Julian McCaffrey] That millennial pervert has turned our little slice of heaven into a devil's playground!

Lucifer: Well, I'll be the judge of that.

Remiel: How can human women wear these torture devices? What are they called?

Amenadiel: Jeans.

Eve: I'm not angry. I mean, I was. But then I had a lot of time to think. And I realize I used to be just like you, with Adam. I wanted Adam to love me so badly that I devoted myself to becoming something I wasn't. In order to please him. I wanted to be Adam's ideal woman. But then I realized something. I was never going to be Adam's ideal woman because, spoiler alert, I'm not Lilith. I'm me. Yeah, I spent so much time trying to be whatever Adam wanted me to be that I never once stopped to think what I wanted, who I'd been all along. Guess who helped me figure that out?

Lucifer: If it's not me, then this is a terrible story.

[Lucifer has revealed that someone at the nudist colony slipped a note into his clothes while he was there.]

Dan: [irate] Seriously? For all we know, someone could've put it in there at one of your latest sex parties.

Lucifer: Have you ever been to a sex party, Daniel? We don't pass notes to each other.

Devil Is As Devil Does

Chloe: This isn't gonna work.

Lucifer: No, I agree. A gingham pocket pocket square can be a bit aggressive, but I'm feeling it.

Lucifer: [Showing Eve the station] Oh, that's Daniel. He's a douche again.

Eve: Oh. Shall we punish him, too?

Lucifer: Believe me, his existence is punishment enough.

[Ella has discovered gold metal flakes in the wounds of a pistol-whipped murder victim.]

Chloe: Golden gun. It's unique and it sounds familiar.

Lucifer: Yes, Roger Moore's Bond films. Perhaps our killer's Scaramanga, the man with three nipples.

Chloe: Lucifer, this is not who you are. I think Eve is a bad influence on you.

Lucifer: This has nothing to do with her. It's who I am. I punish people.

Chloe: So do I. But like I said, there is a right way and there is a wrong way.

Lucifer: And what makes you the authority on right and wrong?

Chloe: Because I'm a cop and it's the law.

Lucifer: Well, I'm the Devil! [gets angrier and more agitated] I ruled Hell. Bad people were sent to me so they could get what they deserve, and it is my job to do the same here on Earth, because when I don't.... When I don't, bad things happen.

Trixie: ['interrogating' Eve] Where do you live?

Eve: Here.

Trixie: Where are you from?

Eve: Far away. I came here for Lucifer.

Trixie: Keep the commentary to yourself, lady. Have you ever been married?

Eve: Yes. It didn't work out.

Trixie: How come?

Eve: We weren't right for each other.

Trixie: What do you do for work?

Eve: I don't. Pretty much just get to be me.

Trixie: Well,... that's kinda cool. What's your favorite color?

Eve: Red, what's yours?

Trixie: I'm asking the questions.

Lucifer: Would you excuse me whilst I do something less mind-numbingly boring like, uh, color-sort my suits?

Super Bad Boyfriend

Amenadiel: I have a favor to ask you. Apparently, there is a tradition here on Earth to ask someone to be a back-up parent in case something happens to the child's real parents.

Lucifer: Are you seriously asking me, Evil incarnate, to be the child's godfather? Ha! The irony.

Chloe: Father Kinley had been asking to see me, so I finally went. [getting nervous] He told me about... a prophecy.

Lucifer: [scoffs] Right. What is it this time? Frogs about to start falling from the sky, or... perhaps winter is coming.

Eve: Tonight, a friend helped me realize that...[sighs] I'm great. No. You know what? I'm awesome. And... I deserve to be treated well.

Lucifer: You're right. And you are... so much more than awesome, Eve. You have a light inside you that brightens the world, and a smile so infectious that it captures the heart of anyone lucky enough to see it. And I'm sorry for the way that I've treated you lately. You don't deserve that.

[A teenager Amenadiel was mentoring has just been gunned down and killed.]

Amenadiel: [icy calm] I know who did this.

Lucifer: I'll drive.

Lucifer: There is something rotten inside of me. I find it near impossible to drown out the constant cacophony of voices whispering in my ear, telling me "I. Am. Evil." [shouts] I'm drowning, Doctor! And I can't stop asking myself... [gasping]... Why do I hate myself so much?!?

Save Lucifer

Ella: Stop! "Hammer time!" [off Chloe and Lucifer's looks] 'Cause she was killed with a hammer! Come on, guys, I've been waiting years to do that one.

Amenadiel: [considering baby names] What about the name, uh, "Zoriel"? That's a good name for a warrior. We can call him "Zori" for short. Or "Ezekiel". "Zeke".

Linda: Yeah. Um,... I was thinking about the name... "Jack".

Amenadiel: Hmm. Mm. [considers] Short for "Jackiel". [off Linda's look] We could definitely put that on the list. Right after "Azmortiel".

[Lucifer's body is gradually appearing more demonic.]

Lucifer: I can't go downstairs, Detective. Between my sunglasses, scarf and gloves, I'll look like Stevie Wonder on a snow day.

Chloe: [pulls out a full-face white porcelain Devil mask] Don't worry. I got you covered.

Who's Da New King of Hell?

Chloe: Hm. You're in a good mood.

Lucifer: Well. The world will not be destroyed because I forgave myself. So I'd say that's a pretty darn good day for me and all mankind for that matter, so... you're welcome.

Chloe: [trying to be discreet] So, um... it's all... totally gone? The red skin, the devil wings. No more flare-ups?

Lucifer: It's not hemorrhoids, Detective

Lucifer: [to Linda] Oh, enjoy your child. Have him ring me when he's old enough to go to strip clubs.

[Lucifer has been forced to assume his full Devil appearance to confront the dozens of attacking demons.]

Lucifer: [in demon voice] Now bow down... to your King. [All the demons obey, even a reluctant Dromos] You do not belong here. Go HOME !!

[All the demons leave their human hosts, causing all the bodies to collapse on the floor.]