Pilot [1.01]

[A argument between Arthur and Carrie]

Arthur: I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here!

Carrie: That's four words.

Arthur: Well, here's four more words for you: screw you!

Carrie: That's two words.

Doug: Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use in advance.

Arthur: Yeah, once you do that you're pretty much locked in, huh?

[Arthur's house is on fire]

Arthur: I wonder if it's too late to get insurance.

Art House [1.24]

(Arthur ask Doug he wants to move back in, then Doug wants Arthur take everything.)

Doug: So, you want to move back in, huh? That would be real convenient for you, wouldn't it? You leave for a few days, you bounce around the outside world for a while like that bird who's "cuckoo for coca puffs," and you just waltz back in. You know what, Arthur? Take my basement back. It's yours. You know what? Fine. Take it. And while you're at it, why don't you-- why don't you take the TV, too? And-- and the foosball table, and, uh, hey, the couch. It's yours. It's all yours. Uh, hey, my mustard-strained jets blanket, huh? Oh, and-- and my baseball encyclopedia, oh and my x-rated video with the label, "bad news bears go to Japan," so Carrie won't notice it!

(Arthur walks upstairs)

Doug: Take it all, Arthur! Hey, what else can I get for you? Hey, do you want the flooring? 'Cause I could rip up the carpet. Come on, what else can I give you? How 'bout my kidneys? Come on, I have two! WHAT THE HELL?! TAKE 'EM BOTH, ARTHUR!! God, why should I have anything, right? ALL I DO IS GO TO WORK EVERY DAY AND PAY MY MORTGAGE ON TIME! AND WHEN IT'S NOT ON TIME, IT'S CERTAINLY WITHIN THE GRACE PERIOD!! BUT I GUESS THAT MEANS NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!! And you know what? That's fine. I'll just be a GUY GOING THROUGH LIFE WITH NO BASEMENT AND NO KIDNEYS!!!

(Arthur walking the sidewalk) "(Doug runs to catch up with Arthur and ushers him home)"

Tube Stakes [2.05]

(Doug is walking to the garage with a bowl of cereal.)

Doug (content): Cereal...I had you last night, too. (He reaches up over the door jamb and grabs the key to unlock the garage, but is surprised when the door seems to be open.)

(On the other side of the door, Doug notices that something seems to be wrong. Namely his big screen TV is not there.)

Doug: CARRIE!!! (He turns around and walks back into the kitchen, where Carrie is at the kitchen table.) Can I see you in the garage? (He grabs Carrie and all but drags her to the garage. Once there, he gestures to the spot where the TV used to be.) Huh?!

Carrie: Where's your TV?

Doug: I'm thinkin' it was stolen!

Carrie: Oh, my God! Do you think somebody broke in here?

Doug: You know what? That's one theory! Here's another: (yelling) They came in through the garage door that you left open!!

Carrie (shocked): What?! No, I didn't!

Doug: Did, Carrie! Did! You were the last one in here, it's open, that means--try and stay with me, here--that you left it open!!!

Doug: I'll tell you why it happened. It happened because you wanted it to happen!

Carrie (incredulous): What?

Doug: You heard me! You hated my TV, so you wished it out into the cornfield, and it's gone!

Carrie: The cornfield, Doug?

Doug: Yeah, classic Twilight Zone? Sci-Fi Channel? Ever hear of it? Here, let me show you. (He uses the remote as if he's turning on the TV.) OOOOH! I CAN'T!!

Meet By-Product [2.17]

[Doug's first encounter with Carrie was when Doug worked as a nightclub bouncer and his friend and co-worker Richie got him a a date with Carrie's friend, Lynn]

Lynn: Do you...you know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?

Doug Hefferman: Well, you know, it is...it's...I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. Then...be very not nice.

Lynn: [laughs] I love that!

Doug Hefferman: Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.

Lynn: Oh, I never saw that movie!

Doug Hefferman: You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.

Restaurant Row [2.23]

(Doug and Carrie are just getting home from their disastrous night out Fiorino's. They are going about their normal everyday business, but there seems to be a lot more tension than normal. Carrie opens a frozen dinner, unwraps it and throws it in the microwave in disgust.)

Doug (sarcastic): Make sure it doesn't have capers. (Carrie stiffens, as if she was expecting this.)

Carrie (testy): Okay, here we go. You wanna get into this now? Bring it on.

Doug: No, no, I don't wanna get into it, I want you to be happy. Don't want you to have to call the Lean Cuisine people and ask for the manager.

Carrie (turning to face Doug): Well, if I did have to, we all know on whose side you'd be on, don't we?

Doug: I wanted a nice evening out. You're the one who went insane!

Carrie: Oh, yeah, I'm insane. I ordered my food without capers and then wanted it without capers. Yeah, fit me for a strait-jacket, I'm a loon!

Doug: You know what I mean, okay? You're always on the lookout for who's out to get you! You can never just let something go, because that would result in a delightful evening out, and we can't have that, can we? No!

Doug: I swear, I think the Spooner family crest is a shaking fist with the words, "I want to see the manager!"

Fatty McButterpants [3.03]

Doug: Hi, shirt! You get to be draped across my nipples! Congrats!

Doug: Hi. I'm Doug. (strikes a pose) I'm a Pisces. I like walks in the rain and bags of pork rinds.

Doug: Don't work out with my milk, okay?

Doug-Less (Parts 1 + 2) [6.01]

[Doug and Carrie are canoeing, and Doug is singing while they paddle]

Doug: ...56 bottles of beer- in the boat. 56 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 55 bottles of beer- in the boat.

[after a long argument between Doug and Carrie while they are still canoeing]

Doug: Just stop complaining and sing with me! It's fun! (singing same song detailed above, only louder and in a angrier voice) 55 bottles of beer- in the boat! 55 bottles of beer-

Carrie: Owls don't bite! They wear glasses! They're the nerds of the forest!

[Doug is lost in the woods, but assures himself he will make it out alive. Yells this after jogging to the top of a hill]

Doug: I will survive!!! I CHOOSE LIFE!!

Dougie Houser [6.12]

Doug: I want that other house!

Carrie: Doug, we already talked about this! Now we're here to sign papers on this other house--

Doug (angry): We didn't talk about it! You steamrolled me! And I'm not signing anything until we talk about it for real!

Carrie (annoyed): Okay, fine, you wanna talk about it? Tell me why we should buy the other house without mentioning "dumb-waiter" and "pork" ! (Doug tries to come up with something, but he can't.)

Doug (in frustration): You know that's impossible!

Carrie: Then this conversation is over.

Doug (furious): Okay, fine, you know what? Let's just go with the house you want, all right? Hey, and you know what? Here's a great idea! You once told me you liked the name Mike, so from now on, my name's Mike! (turns on the beard trimmer) You know what?! I should shave my mustace! (He brings the trimmer to his mustache, but stops, as if he's had another idea.) What the heck, you know what? Why stop at the face, huh? (He yanks his shirt out of his panst and sticks the trimmer under his shirt, making motions as if he's shaving.) How 'bout in here, yeah? Am I hairless enough for you? Smooth Mike, that's what they're gonna call me! (Suddenly, he winces as if he's hit something. High pitched) Nipple!

Tank Heaven [6.21]

Doug (lifting up his shirt and rubbing his hairy stomach): Is this a lot of hair right here, seriously? I mean, people say I'm hairy, but I don't think I'm hairy enough.

Carrie: Did you make them touch your belly hair?!

Doug (feigning shock): What?!

Carrie (she's not buying it): Did you?

Doug: I don't even know what you're sayin'!

Carrie: Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair?!

Doug (sarcastic): Yeah, then I threw on a G-string (gyrates) and did a little lap dance, yeah.

Mama Cast [9.1]

Charlotte: There's this really cute boy at school.

Carrie: Michael?

Charlotte: Yeah, but he likes Donna Pizzoni.

Carrie: Well, just make him like you, instead.

Charlotte: How?

Carrie: Well, you just start a nasty rumor about the other girl. You know? "She's a skank" or "she's poor." Could be anything, really, and before you know it, you'll be wearing his varsity jacket.

Affair Trade [9.2]

Jessica: (on machine) I can't help thinking about last Saturday, lying naked in the sand. I still quiver when I think about being with you.

(Kelly and Carrie laugh)

Kelly: She did not just say "quiver."

Carrie: She did, and Doug was afraid that I would think it was him!

(they laugh even more)

Moxie Moron [9.3]

Deacon: This co-supervisor thing ain't working out for me.

Doug: What are you trying to say?

Deacon: I'm saying you suck, and I want you out of here.

Major Disturbance [9.4]

Josephine: You have me going all the way out to Philadelphia. How am I supposed to get back?

Arthur: You have a thumb, don't you?

Ruff Goin [9.5]

Doug: There's a block party out there and we're the only couple not invited. I mean, look, there's the guy who everyone thinks killed his wife. He's out there.

Carrie: Doug, it's a block party. Really, what are we missing? (derisive) "Oh, I like the onion dip." "My, hasn't Billy grown?" Please

Brace Yourself [9.6]

Arthur: They made fun of me at the senior center. "Brace face." "Metal head." They were as cruel as they were clever.

Home Cheapo [9.7]

Kelly: We're so looking forward to having you guys come up to the house on Saturday. I mean, the weather's supposed to be great.

Doug: I gotta be honest. Unless the weather affects the cable reception, it's all the same to me

Offensive Fowl [9.8]

Carrie: Look at you! Enjoying your tofu sausage and I can't believe they're not eggs!

Doug: Yep, and you know what makes them taste better? Knowing I'm doing the right thing—and a butt load of hot sauce.

Mild Bunch [9.9]

Gloria: I know you. Aren't you the old man who got me fired from the Java Hut?

Arthur: Doesn't ring a bell, but you do look like a person who might annoy me.

Manhattan Project [9.10]

Spence: Would somebody tell Lord Dipwad that buying a house is a sound financial investment? You pay rent, you're just throwing money down a rat hole.

Danny: Yeah, well so was spending $1,000 on massage school.

Spence: Well, I didn't hear your feet complaining last night.

Single Spaced [9.11]

Doug: A baby should have a yard, with his fresh air, and, you know.

Carrie: Oh, it can't get fresh air on a fire escape?

China Syndrome [9.12 and 9.13]

Doug: Why the hell didn't you take the minivan?

Deacon: Kelly's got it. She doesn't like driving this car. It's too small.

Doug: Oh, great, so she gives it to her eight-foot-tall husband. I can't believe you aren't the one gettin' divorced.

Deacon: Stop talking about divorce, will you? You guys are going to be fine. You always work these things out. She screams, you cry—two pizzas later you're back to normal.

Deacon: I'll never forget the first time I met Arthur. I was, uh, sitting in the, uh, Heffernan living room, watching TV. Uh, Arthur came in, and when he saw me he begged me not to hurt him, then ran off to call the police.