The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe (1985)

As performed by Lily Tomlin

• Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
  • "Trudy"

• Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it....
  • "Trudy"

• Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
  • "Trudy"
  • Unsourced variant: Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

• When you're dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you're not the one who's leading.
  • "Trudy"

• It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
  • "Trudy"
  • Unsourced variants: I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
    Man invented language to satisfy his deep inner need to complain.

• All my life, I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
  • "Chrissy"

• If I had known what it would be like to have it all... I might have been willing to settle for less.
  • "Lyn"

• Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.
  • As "Chrissy"

• No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
  • Lily
  • Unsourced variant: No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

• I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.

• Your problem is your role models were models.

• I swear people don't want sex so much as they want somebody who'll listen to 'em … the first thing you learn after fellatio is how to listen.

• Remember we're all in this alone.

Other material for Lily Tomlin

Material in Lily Tomlin's acts credited to Wagner at Tomlin's classic site.

• Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

• For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

• If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

• If the formula for water is H₂O, is the formula for an ice cube H₂O squared?

• If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

• If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.

• Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

• The best mind-altering drug is truth.

• The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

• Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?

• Interviewer: You once said you had a drug problem...
  Lily: Yeah, I still do. It's so hard to find good grass these days.