Hey Arnold! is an American animated television series that aired from October 7, 1996 until June 8, 2004 on Nickelodeon. It later spanned two movies in 2002 and 2017.

24 Hours to Live

[Harold got hit by a baseball]

Iggy: Say something, Man.

Harold: Goodnight, Mommy.

Harold: Who taught me how to play ball? Your looney grandma?

Arnold (Short Man): Hey, Grandpa, I've got a problem.

Grandpa Phillip (Phil): Shoot it at me, short man.

Arnold: You see there's this big jerk who says.....

Grandpa: — says he's gonna beat you up, eh?

Arnold: Yeah.

Grandpa: Gonna give you 24 hours to dangle, eh?

Arnold: That's right!

Grandpa: Wants to pound you flat and use your face for 2nd base, eh?

Arnold: Yeah, yeah! What should I do?

Grandpa: I have no idea. But there's one thing I do know, never eat raspberries. [Holds his stomach] Excuse me a sec.[Grandpa runs to the bathroom]

Helga Stone (Pataki): Arnold? Hey Arnold, Twenty-four hours, fifteen minutes and thirteen seconds until you die!

Arnold: I'M CRAZY, CRAZY! (evilly laughs)

DJ Nocturnal Ned: It's 7:00 on KILL. This one goes out to Arnold, who's going to die in 2 hours, 6 minutes, and 47 seconds, from Helga who hates you.

Harold "Pink Boy" Berman: Wow, you really are crazy. Wanna join our club?

Helga: Boys are so stupid.

6th Grade Girls

Tommy: [in an Italian New York accent] Hey, Maria, come over here!

Maria: Hey vato, why don't you come over here?

Tommy: Just come over here!

Maria: Come over here!

Tommy: Aw, forget you!

Maria: Forget you!

A Day in the Life of a Classroom

Rhonda: Should we do our own make up, or will the crew do it?

Mr. Simmons: Do your own.

Helga: I'd rather watch paint dry.

Helga: Let's go practice being spontaneous.

Abner Come Home

Arnold: [to Abner at night] Y’know boy, you’re more fun than a hundred dogs put together.

Arnold: [on Abner] Must be getting a drink out of the toilet again.

Grandma: [the morning after Abner goes missing] Anyone for bacon?

Arnold: [describing Abner to the dog catcher] And his tail is so curly when you pull it out it goes 'spoing'!

Gerald: [on the missing pig] Well, did you try going down to the dump and yelling 'sooey'?

Pig Skins R Us crew: [yelling at Abner] Come back here you football.

Grandpa: Brilliant does pretty much describe me. He falls off chair.

Gerald: [on Arnold's brilliant idea] Well, it's not working, and it's making me sick.

Ernie: [overwhelmed at the end] It does kinda bring a tear to your eye.

Grandpa: That's just the onions.

April Fools' Day

Helga: Thanks, Arnold. I really appreciate all that you've done for me. You know, except the part where you made me go blind.

[Arnold is carrying "blind" Helga across the street and a taxi cab is speeding towards them]

Helga: Arnold, look out for that cab!

[Arnold jumps and they land on the sidewalk]

Helga: Arnold, are we alive?

Arnold: We're fine.

Helga: Whew. Good thing I saw — uh, I mean — smelled that cab coming.

Arnold: You smelled the cab?

Helga: Yeah, you know how it is when you lose one of your senses. The others just kind of kick into overdrive. [sniffs Arnold] Speaking of which, you might want to try a stronger deodorant, football-head.

Grandma: Oh, Happy Groundhog's Day, everybody. Yippee! I saw my shadow — and you know what that means!

Grandpa: We know, Pookie... [With Arnold] Twelve more days of Christmas...

Stinky: Um, fellas. Is it just me, or is the floor moving?

Helga: [thinks when she dances with Arnold] I'm actually dancing cheek-to-cheek with Arnold! He's holding me tight, his hair smells yummy... Oh, who am I kid din'?! I love this guy! Maybe I should stop torturing him? Nah, this is way too much fun!

Arnold: [thinking when he dances with Helga] Oh, man, I really hate this!

Helga: [thinking] Oh, man, do I love this or what!

Arnold: Gerald, I think, you're thinking what I'm thinking.

[Gerald whispers something in Arnold's ear]

Arnold: That's even better than what I was thinking!

Arnold as Cupid

Oskar: But Suzie, where am I going to sleep?

[Suzie throws sleeping bag and teddy bear at Oskar]

Oskar: Arnold, I can't believe how handsome you're getting, the way your body's growing to match the unusual shape of your head.

Oskar Kokoshka: [about to bet Arnold's CD player during a poker game] Don't worry, Arnold, there's no way I can lose. [next frame] I can't believe I lost.

Oskar Kokoshka: You keep the money.

Suzie Kokoshka: What did you say?

Oskar Kokoshka: You keep the money.

Suzie Kokoshka: Oh, Oskar! That's the most beautiful thing you've ever said to me.

Oskar Kokoshka: "You keep the money"?

Arnold and Lila

--- [Rhonda, Nadine and Lila have just found the words "Arnold Loves Lila" written on the wall. Unknown to them, Helga has written it, originally writing "Arnold Loves Helga" then changing it when she heard them coming.]

Nadine: Do you think it's true?

Rhonda: Of course it's true, it's written on the wall: Arnold Loves Lila.

[Helga is watching as Lila and Arnold spend time together]

Helga: The worst part is, I did this to myself! If only I had left what I wrote on the wall, if only I wasn't so gutless, maybe Arnold would be cosying up to me, instead of that Little Miss Perfect phony Lila.

Arnold Betrays Iggy:

Iggy: Arnold, I am so sorry!

Arnold: [bitterly] Oh, it's you.

Iggy: [as Arnold begins to walk away] I tried to call it off. I couldn't get through! I'm sorry!

[Arnold stops walking and shoots an unusually furious stare at him, to the sound of a discordant screech sound, before continuing on his way]

Arnold Saves Sid

Grandpa Phil: You already had three helpings. Hits Oskar's hand

Oskar: Oww, you hurt my hand. I'm going to sue you!

Arnold Visits Arnie

Rhonda: It means weird, and that's a major understatement. I mean, the boy's wearing pajamas for heaven's sake.

Harold: And look, there have little bears on them!

Sid: Boy howdy, talk about embarrassing!

[Arnold blushes]

Arnie: Lets go on a hayride. [Snorts]

[After falling in the swimming hole]

Arnold: Lulu, are you okay?

Lulu: I'm oh-so-certain that I'm just fine. [sultrily] But I'd be a lot better if you'd agree to meet me later, for an ever-so-private swim...

Arnold: Excuse me?

Lulu: Perhaps around 8:30, when Arnie's asleep?

Lulu: [innocently] I can't help it, Arnold. I like you-like you.

[Lulu tries to kiss Arnold]

Arnold: Lulu, what are you doing?!

Lulu: I'm certain that I'm trying to kiss you.

Arnold: Kiss me?! But you're Arnie's girlfriend! And we're nine!

Hilda: Oh most luminous orb in indigo sky, looketh you upon my ideal guy. Oh all-knowing lunar sphere taunting from above, whilst thou never guide me to my one true love- [is cut off by Arnold tripping over her]

Arnold: [smiles instantly] Hi.

Hilda: Hello.

Arnold: Do I know you?

Hilda: I don't think so.

Arnold: I've never met anyone like you, Hilda, and I really like you a lot.

[Note: Hilda is essentially a version of Helga without her bullying exterior, therefore Arnold actually does like the "real" Helga.]

Arnold's Christmas

Helga: These snow boots are really boss!

Gerald: [to Arnold] What you did, that's the real meaning of Christmas, man.

Helga: Merry Christmas, Arnold.

[Mr. Bailey is leaving the government office for the night when Helga appears and hands him a pair of snow boots that were on his shopping list.]

Helga: Here they are, pal: one pair of Nancy Spumoni snow boots! Now turn those lights back on! We've got a missing person to locate!

Mr. Bailey: [Bewildered] Are you kidding? I'm going home. It's Christmas Eve, for crying out loud!

Helga: Can't you see? It's not about snow boots, it's not about flashy, expensive presents or getting yours before the other guy gets his! It's about showing people you really care about them! And most of all, it's about a funny football-headed kid with a good heart but no sense of reality whose entire world view is at stake!

Mr. Bailey: Look, kid. I appreciate your little holiday speech and all that, but it's late. And I'm going home, now.

[Mr. Bailey walks down the stairs and attempts to hail a taxi home.]

Helga: For Pete's sake, are you that cold? Look into your heart. Now we've got a choice: either you and I work all night to find a certain lost daughter or you can leave now. But if you leave now, that little football-headed kid will never believe in miracles again.

Arnold's Halloween

Curly: I wanted to go as pirates.

Harold: No, Vikings.

Phoebe: How about clowns?

Helga: We're all going as aliens because the whole purpose of Halloween is to scare people and make them give you candy.

Gerald: Aliens are coming to destroy the Earth!

Grandpa: [explaining about the kids in alien costumes] The news is all over town. The city is in panic.

Gerald: Uh oh.

Arnold: The news station must have picked up our broadcast. Grandpa, what happened to the kids after you saw them?

[the kids are being chased by an angry mob]

Helga: Arn-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ld!!!!!

Arnold: [Halfway across town] Did you hear something just now?

Gerald: No.

Arnold's Hat

Helga: I need that cute, stupid, football head's hat! Oh....Did I just say that out loud?

Miriam: Helga? The door's locked, honey, what are you doing in there?

Helga: Nothing.

Miriam: Oh... okay.

Helga: All I wanted was the hat... and world domination, but for right now, just the hat. Is that too much to ask?

Gerald: Arnold! Hey Arnold! The Jolly Olly man's gone insane! He's passing out free ice-cream! Come on down!

Arnold: No! I'm not coming down without my hat! Ever! For the rest of my life!

Gerald: Okay. More ice-cream for me.

Helga: Out of my way, Fat Boy!

Helga: Did you happen to see a collection of seemingly useless junk randomly arranged behind a curtain in my closet for no apparent reason?

Miriam: Ah huh, dear. I threw it all out.

Helga: WHAT!?

Marty: Woo! Arnold! Man! Did anybody ever tell you you look like some kind of sun bronzed Greek god these days?

Helga: Ewwwww who said you could touch Me!

Helga Are you trying to make me sick or something?

Helga: I will never wash these clothes again. [Splattt!] Ewww!

Baby Oskar

Oskar: Suzie, make me a sandwich.

Suzie: In a minute, Oskar. I'm ironing your pants.

Oskar: Why can't you do both at the same time?

Suzie: Oh, Oskar.

Oskar: What?

Suzie: You know how much I have to do. Why can't you just help out a little bit? You know my cousin Nancy is going to be here any minute with her baby.

Oskar: I just want a sandwich.

Suzie: When Nancy gets here with the baby, I want to know that I can count on your help. It'll be a lot of work having a baby in the house, you know.

Oskar: Come on, Suzie. Make me a sandwich.

Suzie is seen playing with Baby Oskar.

Suzie: Oskar. Oskar.

Oskar: What?!

Suzie: I was talking to the baby.

Oskar: Uhh. Suzie, I'm hungry. Make me a sandwich.

Suzie: I can't right now. I have to give the baby a bath.

Oskar: What for? It's not going any place.

Suzie: Oh, Oskar.

Oskar: What? All I want is a sandwich.

Suzie: As long as the baby's here, he's going to have to come first.

Oskar: But Suzie, what about me?

Later, Oskar is seen playing his saxophone, which causes Baby Oskar to cry openly.

Suzie: Oskar, please!

Oskar: What? I have to practice.

Suzie: You're not the only person in this house. All you ever think about is yourself.

Oskar: What's wrong with that?

Oskar drinks a milk carton, while Baby Oskar begins to cry which causes Oskar to spit out his milk.

Oskar: Oh, Suzie, it's crying again.

Suzie: Well, then pick him up and hold him for a minute.

Oskar: I'm not gonna pick it up; it smells.

Suzie: He probably needs a new diaper. Can you just--?

Oskar: Oh, come on, Suzie. That's disgusting.

Suzie: There is nothing disgusting about it; it's perfectly natural. And stop calling him "it". He's not an "it"; he's a "he", and his name is Oskar.

Oskar: That's another thing; it took my name. And now every time you say "Oskar", I think you're talking to me, but it's always that little brat.

Baby Oskar reaches for Oskar's milk.

Oskar: Get your own.

Oskar and Susie are arguing over Oskar's inability to grow up and start acting responsible. He responds with his classic line "I'll do it tomorrow."

Suzie: Oh sure it’s a good day for you! Tomorrow’s a grand day for you because tomorrow is the day you get a job! Tomorrow is the day you pay the bills, tomorrow is the day you grow up and start acting responsible. But tomorrow never comes for you, does it, Oskar? Because it’s so conveniently a day away!

Oskar: Right, it’s always a day away, just like the song that little orphan girl sings.

Back to School

Principal Wartz: Young man, I was beginning to wonder if you want to finish grade school.

Phil: [imitating Wartz] Young man, I was beginning to wonder if you want to finish grade school.

Principal Wartz: Pardon me?

Phil: Pardon me?

Principal Wartz: Stop repeating what I say!

Phil: Stop repeating what I say!

Principal Wartz: That's it!

Phil: That's it!

Principal Wartz: [to a tough Grandpa Phil] Report to detention after the final bell.

Phil: Report THIS, Wartz! [pulls the fire alarm and walks off]

Principal Wartz: [turns off the alarm] That's it, I'm calling his parents!

Arnold: Why are you skipping school and acting tough and getting in trouble?

Grandpa Phil: Cause...

Arnold: Cause why?

Grandpa Phil: Because...

Arnold: Because why, Grandpa? (sternly) I want to know why and I want to know right now.

Grandpa Phil I'm gonna run for President. Pookie, you can be my campaign manager. What's our slogan?

Pookie: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

Grandpa Phil: Pookie, you're fired. Arnold! You can be my campaign manager.

Arnold: [Sighs] Grandpa...

Grandpa Phil I want that diploma!

Arnold: Then let's go get it.

Grandpa Phil: Right after my nap!

Bag of Money

Grandpa Phil: [trying to cheer Arnold up] We'll grow old together... Oh, wait a minute, I'm already old! Well, okay, so you'll grow old alone with no one to talk to and nothing to come to, except your fun memories and... [Arnold gets sad] ...me and... I'm not helping, am I?

Beaned

Helga: [Thinking after Arnold picks a daisy for her] Arnold just gave me a flower! I think I'm gonna die!

Helga :What is this clear wall blocking us from outside?

Arnold: :It's a door. I'll get it for you.

Helga :Whatever is this contraption, Andrew?

Arnold :It's a water fountain. You drink from it. [Helga pushes the button and water comes out]

Helga: I like to drink.

Benchwarmer

Coach Wittenberg :Pass the ball to Tucker!

Coach Wittenberg :Excellent pass to Tucker, Arnold — You don't even have to dribble, just pass it to Tucker!!

Best Friends

Arnold: I'm telling you, Rhonda, I really don't know anything about fashion.

Rhonda :[reading fashion magazine] Hmmm. Okay, tell me this: do red and orange go together?

Arnold :Uhhh...

Rhonda: Of course not. You know that, and I know that. But try to tell that to Nadine — she doesn't listen.

Nadine: (to Rhonda) Then, we're not friends anymore!

Arnold: [on the phone to Nadine] Hang on, I've got another call.

[Takes other call, it's from Rhonda]

Rhonda: I knew it. You're talking to her, aren't you, Arnold? What is she saying about me? I kept hearing this little click and I knew you were on the other line, to her, talking behind my back. Nadine was always jealous. She's jealous, isn't she, Arnold?

Big Bob's Crisis

Big Bob :Criminy, I'm a monster.

Helga: Actually it was just just gas, doc said you'll be fine as soon as you lay off the double rocks and lambs.

Arnold: Are you okay, Helga?

Helga: Oh I'm just peachy. My dad's joining some wacky spiritual group, brain-washed Miriam and Olga and is planning to take us all to Oregon to live in a hut, out in nature to sing songs and eat bark.

Big Caesar

Grandpa Phil: There comes a time in every youngster's life when he's ready to take on Big Caesar! And you boys... well, you're not ready yet, but I'm tired of waitin'.

Gerald: [about the last boat available for a fishing contest] There is no way we're fishing in a swan boat. [next frame] I can't believe we're fishing in a swan boat.

Big Gino

Gino: [Seeing Sid come in with Arnold] I see you brought your lawyer.

Biosquare

Helga: No electricity? No T.V.? No popcorn? No deal! I'm out of here.

Arnold: Hey, if you can't tough it out for 24 hours, than maybe you should leave.

Helga: Oh, so you don't think I'm tough enough, is that it, Bio Boy? Well, I'll show you, I can stand be anywhere for 24 hours. Even locked in a controlled environment, with you!

Buses, Bikes, and Subways

[After Helga discovers a pay phone nearby]

Helga: [to Harold] So how much money do you got? [Harold shows Helga two quarters in his hand] Enough for one call each. Hello, Mom! It's me, Helga! I'm stuck at the chocolate factory with a moron. The school bus left us here and we don't have any way to get back. Oh, please pick up, Miriam. [Helga hangs up the phone]

Harold: [dials the pay phone] Hello? Mommy, it's me, Harold.

Caesar :I never heard of you! Don't call me again!

Harold: [hangs up phone] Dialed the wrong number.

Helga: Just brilliant. You don't even know your own phone number.

Harold: Hey, look! The subway! We're saved!

Helga: Yeah, great idea, genius. Only one little problem — it costs money to take the subway, and we don't have any.

Harold: Then we'll just jump the gate. No one ever gets caught. Come on! [gets stuck on the turnstile entrance]

Cop: Hey! You two kids! Come back here!

[Helga pushes Harold through, while they both run into the moving subway, eluding the cop]

Harold: [relieved] Oh! [sighs] That was close. Oh, I think I'm going to be sick!

Helga: "No one ever gets caught."

Helga: [to Earl] Hey Mister, wake up!

Earl: What? Who goes there?

Helga: Can you give us a ride into town?

Harold: There some crazy midget clowns that want to kill us!

Earl: Midget clowns eh? Arr!

Helga: [Harold has begun to hug her] Get off of me, you big whale!

Helga: Everything that happened today was your fault. You can't do anything right! Take the bus for example. Why do you think we missed it, Harold? Oh, let's see, hmm... maybe it was because you were too busy eating twice your body weight in Chocolate Num-Nums! Oh, how about this one? Let's take the subway, I think it goes to Lincoln. Oh wait, no it doesn't, it goes straight to the bowels of the underworld!! Population homicidal, toothless, midget clowns!! I know, let's steal their bike, they won't mind. Now, you'd think that would be enough to fill any moron's day, but you're not just any moron, are you, Harold? You're the king!! Your day's just getting started. So, because of your amazing curiosity about the world around us, you pulled the plug out of the bottom of our getaway boat!!! You idiot.

Casa Paradiso

Ernie's poem "Knocked Down" :I knocked down my share of buildings and leveled a lot of place

And've seen the miserable looks on the former occupants faces.

If you kick us out, Grandpa, we'll be really angry and sad,

On account that living right here has been the best time most of us has ever had.

Chocolate Boy

Chocolate Boy: I need chocolate, where's the chocolate, I gotta have chocolate...

Wolfgang: What are you talking about? Your name's Chocolate Boy. Now eat chocolate! [offers Chocolate Boy a chocolate bar]

Chocolate Boy: No, I don't want chocolate.

Edmund: Whoa! Chocolate Boy doesn't want chocolate? Pinch me, I'm dreaming. [Wolfgang pushes Edmund to the ground]

[Chocolate Boy knocks on Arnold's front door, and Arnold opens it]

Chocolate Boy: Arnold, I need your help. I need to get enough chocolate, no more chocolate.

Arnold: You realize, Chocolate Boy. And we had this conversation once before.

Chocolate Boy: I know, but I'm serious this time. I need to get enough chocolate. I mean, dancing for malted milk balls and digging in dumpsters. I'm like a clown, a chocolate clown. Will you help me, please?

Arnold: Well... You didn't bet Wolfgang, did you?

[Arnold brings Chocolate Boy a bowl of carob squares]

Arnold: I thought you could try a chocolate substitute. It's called carob, it's from a tree.

Chocolate Boy: [starts eating the carob] Hey, it's not bad. It almost tastes like chocolate.

Arnold: Yep. You can eat all you want. [Chocolate Boy keeps eating it until he gets chicken pox] Okay, so you're allergic to carob. We'll just have to try something else.

[Arnold gives Chocolate Boy a plate of two carrots. Chocolate Boy eats one of them, but spits it out. Arnold takes the plate out and gives him a bowl of chili peppers. Chocolate Boy eats one of them, but a train whistle is heard as his face turns red and he fire breathes, and falls to the floor. Finally, Chocolate Boy eats a celery stalk and throws it out]

Chocolate Boy: So, got anything else?

[Arnold has a bowl of radishes]

Arnold: Well, there's these radishes.

[gives them to Chocolate Boy, who eats a handful of them]

Chocolate Boy: Mmm. These are okay. They're pretty good, but, they make me think about chocolate.

Arnold: So, it sounds like the reason you eat chocolate is because you miss your nanny.

Chocolate Boy: Yes! Yes! I miss my nanny. I miss my nanny.

Arnold: It's okay that you miss your nanny. But eating chocolate is not going to bring her back.

Chocolate Boy: I know. I know.

Arnold: She told you to be good and to be happy. What would your nanny think if she saw you now, eating chocolate out of dumpsters and dancing for malted milk balls?

Chocolate Boy: She wouldn't like it, 'cause I'm not being good and I'm not happy.

Chocolate Turtles

Arnold: Why fight it? It's working.

Coach Wittenberg

Arnold: Maybe you should try using psychology.

Coach Wittenberg: Hmmm. Psycho-ology, eh?

Cool Party

Harold: I bet Rhonda thinks I'm a geek because I'm fat and loud and OBNOXIOUS!

Curly: And I'll bet she thinks I'm a geek 'cause my dad cuts my hair with a bowl!

Sid: I bet she thinks I'm a geek because of my huge nose!

Stinky: It's not that huge, Sid.

Sid: Thanks, Stinky, but you're just saying that because you've got the biggest honker in the whole city. No offence.

Stinky: None taken.

Harold: [After hearing Phoebe's explanation of a geek] Bite the head off a chicken?!

Eugene: But that's totally unfair! None of us bite off chicken heads... well, except for Curly.

Curly: Yeah! And that was just the one time!

[the kids are thinking of ideas for something to do]

Harold: I say we all go over and crash Rhonda's party and eat all her food!

Kids: YEAH!!!

Helga: Well, I say we get a carload of horse manure and leave it on her porch!

Kids: YEAH!!!

Curly: I say we paint ourselves with tiger stripes, and go free all the animals in the zoo!

[Everyone stares at him]

Helga: [sarcastically] Fine, Curly. We'll meet you there in an hour. [Curly runs away cackling] Poor twisted little freak.

Gerald: Hey, Arnold! Back from the cool party already?

Arnold: Yeah. Basically it stunk. So I left.

Gerald: Wanna go do something?

Arnold: But I thought you had plans tonight?

Gerald: Nah, I just made that up so you wouldn't feel bad about goin' to Rhonda's party. You wanna go throw rocks at Helga throwing rocks at a dumpster?

Arnold: Sure.

Harold: Geek party at Arnold's house!

Curly: Ahhhhaaa free all the animals Ahhhhhhaaaa!

Crabby Author

Agatha Caulfield: Holy Crackers!

Crush on Teacher

Gerald: Why are you reading this junk? [teases] Oh, right, you have a crush on Miss Felter...

Arnold: I like poetry, it has nothing to do with her.

Gerald: Right. Later, man.

[Gerald walks away]

Arnold: Oh soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the east... [Gerald pauses] ... and... Miss Felter is the sun.

Gerald: [In disgust] That's it, now I'm pukin'.

Gerald: You set a beautiful table, my fair señÑorita. [purrs]

Arnold: Do I have to purr?

Gerald: Yes, chicks dig the purr!

Arnold: [To Miss Felter after Gerald's voice is heard through the walkie talkie that is in Arnold's pants] Sometimes my pants... they talk.

Arnold: You set a beautiful table, my fair señorita.

Miss Felter: Muchas gracias.

Arnold: Aw, enchilada.

Curly Snaps

[Curly has locked himself in Principal Wartz's office]

Principal Wartz: Son, open this door now! You're in my office. What do you possibly think you're doing?

Curly: I'm not opening this door! I'm not coming out! I'm mad as heck, and I'm not going to take it any more!

Principal Wartz: What are you talking about?

Curly: Turns out I am not the ball monitor this week. I wanted the responsibility. Oh, I could taste it. And I'm not having a fine day, in fact, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong!

Principal Wartz: I see something has gone wrong! You come out right now, or you'll be facing some very, unpleasant times ahead! I'm warning you!

Curly: Here's Curly!

[throws the ball at Wartz]

Principal Wartz: OW! Gah!

Principal Wartz: Okay young man, I'm going to count to three. One... two... three! I knew he's come to his senses. [to students] Stand back, children! He's coming out!

[Behind the lockers]

Arnold: I think Curly's finally snapped.

Gerald: No kidding.

[In the bathroom]

Sid: You guys, Curly's snapped. He's throwing kickballs at Principal Wartz. My kickballs!

[In the halls]

Helga: Hahaha. It's finally happened. Our demented Curly has gone over the edge.

[In the halls]

Peapod Kid: Curly? Snapped? How terrible. Terribly sad.

[In the library]

Campfire Lass: There's a grand brouhaha outside Principal Wartz's office. LET'S GO!

Principal Wartz: Young man? Young man!

Stinky: His name's "Curly" Mr. Principal Wartz.

Principal Wartz: Oh, thank you! [to Curly] Curly!

Curly: [throwing a ball at Mr. Simmons] Save your new ageisms for the saps, Granola Boy!

Curly: Then later in class, Harold answered the bonus question that I was about to answer. Harold stole the question from me! Another injustice.

Harold: No fair! He let me answer that question!

Mr. Simmons: Curly, you let Harold answer that question.

Principal Wartz: Yeah, yeah, whatever, alright!? Okay, you! You're running out of time and I"m running out of patience! What are your demands?

Curly: My demands? Okay, I'll tell you my demands! I, I want two Yahoo sodas and, and a meatball sub!

Harold: What happened?

Helga: Any bloodshed?

Mr. Simmons: Absolutely not. We solved the problem in a peaceful manner.

Mr. Simmons: I think we all learned a valuable lesson from this.

Helga: Yep - don't ever trust the quiet ones. They'll go bonkers and hole up in the principal's office.

Mr. Simmons: Now come on class! We got just enough time to finish watching the slides of my visit to Tierra Del Fuego.

Principal Wartz: Alright, son. Come with me.

Curly: Hey! Where are you taking me!? I thought we worked it all out! Remember, Principal Wartz! Sensitivity!

Principal Wartz: [laughs] I'll give you sensitivity! I'll give you a week's worth of sensitivity every day after school!

Curly's Girl

Curly: Oh, you pretty princess. Your mink is so soft, so inviting...

Rhonda: Ugh, get away from me, you creep!

Curly: Tonight's our night, Rhonda. I can feel it in the air!

Rhonda: Listen, you slimy piece of ick. I don't like you! So stop touching my coat with your grimy hands!

Curly: I just want to be closer to you, Rhonda. I want to be your boyfriend.

Rhonda: Boyfriend? I will never, ever have anything to do with you, Curly, ever!

[Rhonda has stained her mother's birthday mink coat, and Curly offers to help for a price.]

Curly: Here's the deal: Curly cleans the fur, and you, Rhonda, all you have to do is pretend to be Curly's girlfriend for a week.

Rhonda: Gross! No way, absolutely not!

Curly: You want a clean fur, don't you? It's either Curly, or facing your parents with a red-stained coat.

Rhonda: What do I have to do?

Curly: After you get the clean mink to your parents, you put on a good show at school that you're my girl, til' three o'clock on Friday.

Rhonda: Nine o'clock.

Curly: Two o'clock.

Rhonda: Ten o'clock.

Curly: Twelve noon.

Rhonda: Deal. [They shake hands] Twelve noon, I get to dump you?

Curly: Sure, Friday at noon. That is, if you haven't fallen completely in love with me by then.

Rhonda: As if.

Curly: So let's review. When I say "Rhonda, my love", you say "Yes, cutie pie". And when I do this...[rubs his hair]

Rhonda: I know. I say "You and me, baby, you and me forever."

Curly: Good, good. And throw in a lot of "you sweet thing" and "how can I deny our love" and "Curly, I'm so lucky to be your girl".

Rhonda: [Groans] My life is over.

Curly: Come on, sweetie. You'll see by the end of the week that I'll grow on you, and you'll want to be my girlfriend.

Curly: I have a special present for you that I want you to wear.

Rhonda: There is no way I'm wearing that shirt. [Next frame, Rhonda is wearing a shirt which has "Curly's Girl" written on it] I can't believe I'm wearing this shirt.

Rhonda: Oh, please. Now we're supposed to feel sorry for Curly?

[Helga and Phoebe are watching as Curly paints a heart on his arm reading "4 Ever Rhonda"]

Helga: Criminy, what a pathetic display.

Phoebe: I'm afraid I have to agree, Helga.

Helga: Guess Miss Rich and Fancy over there really did a number on him.

Rhonda: May I borrow the black paint, Helga?

Helga: Perfect. It'll match the colour of your heart.[Holds up a paper plate with a black heart painted on it]

Rhonda: Excuse me?

Helga: You heard me, Cruella.

Rhonda: Unbelievable!

Curly: So how about giving me a lock of your hair to keep under my pillow?

Rhonda: Ugh, that is unbelievably GROSS!

Curly: Is it? Or does it thrill you?

[Horrified, Rhonda runs down the street, Curly chasing her and laughing.]

Rhonda: Stop! You're crazy! Get away from me!

Dangerous Lumber

[Harold gets hit by Arnold's ball]

Gerald: Say something, big boy.

Harold: Easy squeezy, lemon peasy.

Helga: [Calls to someone off screen] Medic.

Ernie: Ow! That baseball hit me right in the head!

Mickey Kaline: You got dangerous lumber, kid!

Mickey Kaline: It's not the hot dog!

Das Subway

Arnold: We could take the crosstown bus.

Helga: You mean that one?

[The bus goes right by them without stopping]

Harold: Well, we could walk.

Helga: WALK?! It'll take days! We'll freeze to death! We'll be eaten by pigeons, or worse... eaten by RATS! [shudders] I hate rats!

[about riding the subway]

Gerald: Sun goes down, stay above ground.

Helga: There is no way I'm taking the subway. [next frame] I can't believe I'm taking the subway.

Gerald: The train stopped!

Helga: No kidding, Einstein.

Grandma: [on the stuck subway car] I'm the only ex-cop in this town brave enough to take on this job.

Hobo: [Repeated line] GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Claustrophobic Woman: [repeating over and over] Big open spaces.

Conductor: [through PA system calmly] Passengers, it may just be a matter of minutes or hours [panicking] OR DAYS OR WEEKS [calmly] before the search and rescue team finds our [panicking] FORGOTTEN EXTRACTED SUBWAY CAR...

Grubby man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, everybody! I got something to say!

Helga: We know. We know.

Everyone: Get out of your house.

Grubby man: No, no, not that. I got something else to say…

Deconstructing Arnold

Rhonda: Okay, Curly, I admit it. I'm your secret admirer. And the truth is, no matter how hard I try and fight it, [reading off her hand] I'm really, really wild about you. In fact, I've fallen crazy in love. So what do you say? How does that make you feel?

Curly: [dips Rhonda] Give Daddy some sugar. [Kisses Rhonda]

Helga: [Trying to convince Arnold to help people again] Look at me, I'm terrible at giving advice. I have no moral conscience whatsoever. If you won't do this for me, do it for your stupid friends out there. Trust me, they're completely lost without you.

Dinner for Four

Phoebe: Well, I suppose the only solution would be to tell the manager the truth.

[pause]

Helga: That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard in my entire life!

Helga: [after weasling out of paying a dinner bill] There is no way I'm gonna go back in there, tell them the truth, and wind up washing dishes. [next frame] I can't believe I told them the truth, and I wound up washing dishes.

Dino Checks Out

Candy: Dino and I had two really great years together, and then we got married.

Lawyer: [going over Dino Spamoni's will] "My house and money will all go to my most recent ex-wife Candy."

Candy: YESSSSS!

Candy's Son: Can we go now?

Candy: IN A MINUTE!

Executor: [Reading Dino Spumoni's Will] "And I leave my extensive collection of paintings to be equally divided among my five ex-wives-except Bunny, who gets jack-squat."

Bunny: Aw, nuts! Take me home, Chooch!

Dino: The thing is, I'm Dino Spumoni. The real Dino. Not an impersonator, not a simulation, not a ghost.

Ernie: Hey, Oskar, he's not dead! I want my two bucks back!

Door Number 16

Gerald: So I hear you got a package for that secret guy, Mr. Smith.

Arnold: Yeah, and I alone have been shouldered with the weighty responsibility of it's safety.

Gerald: Cool, let's open it.

Downtown as Fruits

Helga: Know your lines? Of course you already know your lines. But I don't want to just hear your lines... I want to feel whats in your souls.

Curly: Do vegetables have souls?

Helga: First, the legumes...

Peapod Kid: Legumes? I thought we were beans.

Helga: You ARE!

Helga: Hey, where are the fruits?

Phoebe: They're not here, Helga. They never showed up.

Helga: Arn-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ld!

Arnold: [across town on a bus] Did you hear something just now?

Arnold: Wow, people downtown sure are friendly.

Egg Story

[as Harold and Rhonda are assigned to partner up taking care of an "egg baby"]

Harold: Come on, Rhonda, you know you like me!

Rhonda: [nervously] Where in the world would you get a ridiculous idea like that?

Harold: Remember that time at the Cheese Festival, when you jumped...

Rhonda: [claps a hand over Harold's mouth] I thought I told you never to mention that night ever again.

[after when Harold showed Rhonda their egg that has tape all over it]

Rhonda: What did you do, Harold!?

Harold: Nothing.

Rhonda: Harold, this is not our egg. This — I don't even know what this is. What did you do with Courtney?

Harold: Uh, I, Uh... Oh! I was hungry!

Rhonda: You...ate...our...baby?

[Harold belches]

Eugene's Bike

Young Helga: [In flashback] Hey, Arnold! Shake hands with Mr. Crab!

Eugene, Eugene!

Stinky: What the heck is "Eugene Eugene," Eugene?

Mr. Leichliter: The role of Betty will be done by Lila Sawyer, and the part of Lawrence goes to Arnold... hmmm, I can't even read my own handwriting.

Eating Contest

Harold: I love this contest! I love eating! Wait, I think I ate too fast. Oh, oh, my belly hurts. AAAAH! Mommy! Please, somebody help!

Helga: What did your grandmother stuff these with, Football Head? socks?

Eugene's Pet

Arnold and Eugene enter the boy's restroom while Eugene carries Henry's goldfish bowl with Henry's deceased body floating on top of the water.

Arnold: You've gotta do it, Eugene, it's time.

Eugene: (depressingly) Goodbye, Henry.

Eugene is about to flush Henry's deceased body down the toilet, but he refuses to do it.

Eugene: (tearfully) Oh, I can't do it, Arnold, (he sobs a bit.) I've had Henry ever since he was a little baby goldfish.

Arnold: I'll flush it for you, here.

Eugene: Wait!

False Alarm

Gerald: Helga, baby, put your feet up. I’ll tell it.

Curly: Because three months, two weeks and four days ago, Eugene borrowed my favorite pencil - the pencil I got last summer at Wankyland - and then, when he finally returned it, it had chew marks all over it! And he sharpened it down to the metal parts! I couldn't sleep! I couldn't eat! All I could think about was Eugene writing with my pencil, Eugene chewing on my eraser and Eugene sharpening, sharpening, SHARPENING!!! And then, when he finally gives it back to me, he says: 'Oh, here Curly.' Like it was NO BIG DEAL! Well, I couldn't just take that lying down. So I got this plan, see — the fire alarm, I pull it! And then I frame Eugene for the crime! All I had to do was plant the right clues the peanut butter the glasses and to top it all off, the pencil. Bingo, he would be branded for life! Ahhhh Ahhhhh Ahhhahhh!

Curly: [Dementedly] I did It! I pulled the fire alarm! And I'd do it again, too! See? [Laughs dementedly as we hear the fire bell ringing and Curly pulling the levers down]

Principal Wartz: Stop that!

Family Man

Mr. Hyunh: I like to work in the restaurant.

Ernie Potts: I'm telling you, we could pull this off.

Suzie Kokoshka: I suppose I could be Mrs. Hyunh for just one night.

Ernie Potts: And I'll be his brother, Edwin. Arnold will be his son, Grandpa will be his father.

Grandma: [coming in from the kitchen] And I'll be Mary, Queen of Scots!

Grandpa: Pookie, you just stay out of the way.

Man: Who are you?

Grandma: Why, I'm Mr. Hyunh's sister. And I'm also Mary, Queen of Scots. cackles

Field Trip

Gerald: Looking like a field trip ha, Arnold?

Arnold: Huh? Oh, are we in the Aquarium yet?

Gerald: Not yet.

[Harold hits Eugene with a spitball]

Gerald: Well, we better get there soon, everybody's getting kind of restless.

Arnold: Awesome.

Harold: Look, I'm a whale. [drinks a sip of milk and spits it out through his nose]

Guard: [taunting the animals at the aquarium] Here, have a cookie. Ha-ha, you tossed your cookies!

Arnold's Grandma: Go! You're free, run like the wind!

Fighting Families

Game Show Host: And from PS. 118, meet Arnold and his family. Phil, Pookie, Ernie, and and Mr. Heeee-yun!

Mr. Hyunh: It's H-WIN!!

Ernie: One more comment, Hyunh, and I'll give you a knuckle sandwich, plenty with mustard!

Grandpa: I'll give you both a knuckle sandwich!

Grandma: That's odd, I don't remember packing any sandwiches.

Ernie: Oh, good one, Hyunh!

Mr. Hyunh: You push me!

Ernie: Yeah! Well, Gramps stepped on my toe!

Grandpa: I did not! This is stepping on your toe! [steps on Ernie's foot]

Mr. Hyunh: Pluto, Pluto!

Ernie: Not Pluto, Pluton! You idiot!

Brainy: Huhhh... Huhh... Hi.

Contest Lady: And the winner is Arnold... there seems to be a smudge over the last name.

Stinky: That must be you, Arnold, on the count that you're the only kid named Arnold in this whole danged school.

Fishing Trip

Eugene: [Sounding happy] Hey, look, it's a cute little bear! And he's got my sleeping bag!

Grandpa Phil: [Spotted a dead owl] Aw, look, a dead owl. Breakfast!

Eugene: I just know we'll wake up tomorrow to a better day!

Harold: *farts*

Gerald: If we make it till tomorrow.

Mr. Berman: My knees are weak.

Grandpa Phil: My knees are fake.

Grandpa Phil: Oh! Let's just fish for the Halibut!

Four-Eyed Jack

Oskar: Ghost? I don't believe in ghosts. I'm not the least bit superstitious.

Susie: [From inside] What do you mean you're not superstitious? You keep a horse shoe in your pants.

Oskar: Don't mock my families traditions!

Oskar: I know, let's catch him and sell him to the circus!

Four-Eyed Jack: Um...boo!

Garold: [after Jack disappear] Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Friday the 13th

Grandma:  Happy Friday the thirteenth!

Gerald:  [sees black cats]  That's not exactly the sign I was looking for.

Arnold:  They're probably Grandma's cats.  She's…uh…collecting them…

Gerald:  Collecting them?

Arnold:  Don't ask…

Full Moon

Harold: [heard Principal Wartz coming out of his office] Here he comes. Get ready on three, [Harold, Stinky, and Sid put on some masks and turn around] one...

Arnold: Are really gonna go through this?

Harold: Shh! Two... [they unzip and grab their pants, Principal Wartz walks down the hallway] Three! [everyone except Arnold bends over]

Principal Wartz: What the — what is this? [puts on his glasses and sees Harold, Stinky, and Sid mooning him] Oh, my! [Harold, Stinky, and Sid pull up their pants, and run down the hallway laughing] Come back here you hooligans! [Harold, Stinky, and Sid ran out of the school and Principal Wartz was panting] You won't get away with this! [to Arnold] You there! Where do you think you're going, young man?

Arnold: But Principal Wartz, I told you, I didn't do anything.

Principal Wartz: Well that maybe, but you saw the hooligans who did do it.

Arnold: Yeah.

Principal Wartz: Aha! Now were getting somewhere. Just give me their names. Last name, first name.

Arnold: I can't do that.

Principal Wartz:: This isn't a joke, young man. You think exposing portions of your anatomy to your school principal is funny?

Arnold: Well, I guess it depends...

Principal Wartz: Depends on what?

Arnold: The situation.

Principal Wartz: [about mooning] Mooning is not funny! It's not a game! You may think it's a harmless school yard prank, but let me assure you: IT IS NOT! Someone could put an eye out!

Arnold: Because of mooning?

Principal Wartz: I'll ask the questions here! Now for the last time, you tell me the names of the boys who exposed themselves!

Arnold: I can't do that, Principal Wartz!

Principal Wartz: Of course you can! It's easy!

Arnold: If I told you, then I'd be ratting on the guys! And I can't do it!

Principal Wartz: I'm assigning you detention!

Arnold: Detention!? But why!?

Principal Wartz: Failure to cooperate, I want you to see me in my office after school for the next four weeks!

Arnold: Four weeks, but I--

Principal Wartz: That is all!

[Arnold leaves]

Principal Wartz: Now what's the name of our art teacher? Ms. Flunt, yes. Have a student come in here please, would you? And tell her to bring her sketchpad.

Harold: Hey, Arnold. You didn't tell on us, didn't ya?

Arnold: No, I didn't tell.

Harold: What did Wartz do to you?

Arnold: He gave me four weeks detention.

Sid: Four weeks!?

Stinky: But you didn't even do anything!

Arnold: I know, Stinky.

Harold: You better not rat on us, Arnold! 'Cause you know what will happen if you do!

Arnold: I won't tell!

Stinky: You think maybe it ain't fair for Arnold to take the blame for what we did?

Sid: You mean like, maybe we should tell Wartz that we the ones who mooned him and get Arnold off the hook?

Harold: [jumps out of frustration] No, no, no! Arnold got caught; that's his fault, not ours! We got away of what we did and that's all that counts. Nobody is going into Wartz's office and telling him what we did! Nobody! You got it?!

Sid: I guess there's no sense in all three of us getting detention.

Stinky: Hmm. I guess you're right, Harold. You figured he'll crack and spill the beans?

Principal Wartz: Students, yesterday at approximately 3:38 p.m., a heinous crime was committed here in the halls of P.S. 118. Three of our pupils engaged in the flagrant violation of district rules, namely the dropping of their trousers and exposing of their fleshy unmentionables to a respected and beloved school official. Some of you may know this despicable practice as mooning. Well let me assure you, the culprits will be uncovered! I will get to the bottom of this! That is all.

Sid: What if he finds out we did it?

Harold: He won't find out if nobody tells him.

Principal Wartz: No, no, the third mooner had a rounder, fuller posterior with a mole on his right cheek. Very nice. Very nice, that's much better, Mrs. Flaunt.

[Ms. Flaunt leaves]

Principal Wartz: [to Arnold] Now, Albert...

Arnold: It's Arnold, sir.

Principal Wartz: Right, right. Look Arnold, I know you're not a bad kid; you keep saying you didn't actually display your end region to me, but the other three boys did. Can we agree on that?

Arnold: Okay?

Principal Wartz: Good, okay. Now that we're on the same side of the fence on that point, let me follow this question to you: what's the harm in just letting me know the names of the boys?

Arnold: Well, it's just that-

Principal Wartz: You can just let them slip out or whisper to me or we can play a little guessing game until I got the answers.

Arnold: No, I can't tell you.

Principal Wartz: Why?

Arnold: I'm NOT a rat.

Principal Wartz: Young man, I must warn you that unless you play ball and tell me the names of the hooligans who exposed themselves to me, [gets out Arnold's Permanent Record] I WILL be forced to take note of your lack of cooperation and write it down for all eyes and ears to see your permanent record!

Principal Wartz: Don't think of it as being a snitch. Just think of it as being a good citizen. [gives a box of chocolate to Arnold as an offer] Chocolate cream? [Arnold rejects] You know, Albert.

Arnold: Arnold!

Principal Wartz: You know, Arnold. It's not easy to do the right thing.

Harold: [looking at Arnold talking to Principal Wartz outside with his binoculars] He's gonna rat! He's gonna rat!

Principal Wartz: When I was a boy, I found myself in the situation very similar to the one you're in right now.

Arnold: Really?

Principal Wartz: Mmm-hmm? You see, I witnessed several of my fellow classmates placing a frog in our teacher's desk. When she came back and discovered the frog, she singled me out and demanded that I tell her who was responsible.

Arnold: What did you do?

Principal Wartz: I did the right thing. I sang like a canary, I tattled on every single one of them.

Arnold: What happened?

Principal Wartz: The culprits were severely punished and I was rewarded with a gold star. Oh, sure my classmates were pretty mad at me at first. They called me a weasel, they refused to eat lunch with me, and beat me up on a regular basis. in fact, my reputation as a weasel followed me all the way into high school and college. I was stuffed into lockers, and "Kick me" signs taped to my back. I can't tell you the abuse I suffered from practically every person I ever came and contact with. I didn't have a date 'til I was twenty three. But I didn't care about those things, because I knew I had done the right thing. And in the end, I overcame all that abuse and I grew up to become an elementary school principal. Wouldn't you like to become an elementary school principal?

Arnold: Not really.

Harold: You told him, didn't you?

Arnold: No, Harold.

Harold: You're lying! I saw you talking to Wartz! You told him it was me, and Stinky, and Sid, didn't you?! Didn't you?!

Arnold: No, Harold! I didn't!

Harold: Well, why not?!

Arnold: Because it would't be right!

Harold: But you got detention for four weeks and you didn't even do anything! If I was you and you were me, I would have cracked the first day and ratted you out!

Arnold: Well, maybe you would've, Harold. But I didn't, and I'm not going to. I gotta go. [Arnold leaves]

Principal Wartz: [to Harold; off-screen] Young man?

Harold: Uh-oh! Principal Wartz!

Principal Wartz: Hello, do you recognize anyone in this sketch?

Harold: No, sir. I don't! I really don't! Not at all!

Principal Wartz: Alright. Well, keep up the good work, son.

Harold: I sure will Mr.- Principal Wartz.

Gerald: Man, Arnold. I can't believe it. You last day of detention, and you're completely innocent. If you finish off the day and don't snitch on those other guys, this is gonna go on your permanent record.

Arnold: It's just something I've gotta do.

Principal Wartz: Young man, I now have your permanent record. Now you still have a chance to save yourself. Just tell me who the real mooners are. Tell me their names and I won't have to enter this terrible black mark on your record.

Arnold: I can't do that.

Principal Wartz: [to Arnold] You understand that your permanent record will follow you all the way to Jr. High?

Arnold: I understand.

Principal Wartz: And you still won't tell?

Arnold: No.

Principal Wartz: Then you leave me no choice.

Harold: I did it, it was me! I'm sorry, Arnold was completely innocent! I'm the mooner! I'm the mooner!!!

Stinky: I'm guilty too!

Sid: And me! We all did it together!

Stinky: Arnold had nothing to do with it!

Sid: He was just a pawn in a horrible twisted way!

Harold: Thanks, Sid! [Arnold smiles]

Principal Wartz: Well, young man, I suppose this lets you off the hook... for now. [closes the top of the permanent black marker]

Gerald vs. Jamie O

Jamie O: Hey! You tore my shirt!

Gerald: Your shirt? That's my shirt!

Jamie O: Either way, you're dead!

Gerald Comes Over

Timberly: Hey, look! I'm Timberly the Pink Ranger!

Arnold: Okay, Gerald, we're almost there. Now at times the things you see may confuse or even frighten you. But just remember, everyone is essentially harmless.

Gerald: Arnold, relax. I've been here before. Besides, how weird can your house be?

Gerald: [about Ernie] Man, he was creepy.

Arnold: Ya, and he likes you.

Arnold: [As Susie's throwing all her stuff into the hall] Stand by for pottery!

Gerald Moves Out

[Upset over washing Gerald's clothes]

Mr Hyunh: This lint is your lint. [in high pitch voice] I'm not your Mother!

Gerald: Okay, I’m sorry. [Gerald leaves the room]

Mr. Hyunh: I am not his mother!

Gerald's Tonsils

Phoebe My Gerald... your performance was... inspiring!

Mr Simmons: You know, Gerald, if you're still recovering from your tonsilectomy, you could consider giving your part to somebody else for Friday's concert.

Stinky: Now there's an idea!

Gerald: No! I'll be fine! Hey man, this part means a lot to me. Don't give it away to somebody else!

Stinky: I still got my tonsils. In fact, I got four of 'em! I'm a freak of nature!

Mr Simmons and Gerald: STINKY!

Ghost Bride

Stinky: [passing the graveyard] Look, fellers. We're passing the bone-yard.

Harold: Hurry up, you guys! This place is gives me the creeps! It's full of dead people!

Stinky: Well, you might as well get used to it, on the count of we'll probably all be buried here someday.

Harold: Okay maybe, but that won't happen for a long, long time. Right?

Stinky: [talking about the Ghost Bride] The Ghost Bride will get you and hack you up, just like her sister and her former intended!

Arnold: [reading headstone] "Here lies Cynthia Snell. She lived her life and went straight to..." I can't read the rest.

Arnold: But we have to do something, we can't just stay in here forever.

Harold: Sure we can, these guys did. [points at two dead corpses]

Arnold: But they're dead.

Sid: What's your point?

Sid: [to Curly, dressed as a dead bride] I can't believe you'd pull such a dirty trick!

Eugene Horowitz: I can't believe how nice you look in that dress!

Curly: OK, it was a dirty trick, I admit it. But I wanted to tell the story! Why should Gerald always get to tell the stories? IT'S NOT FAIR!

Sid: I say we lock him in the crypt and leave him here!

[while Curly is tied inside the crypt, he heard someone humming "Here comes the bride"]

Curly: Helga? Is that you? Come on! This isn't a joke! Let me out! Come on, Helga! Helga?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Girl Trouble

Grandpa: (looking through a photo album) Heh Heh Heh, there’s Gertie rolling me in honey and staking me on top of an ant hill. (Arnold is seen walking up the stairs) That mischievous, pigtailed little imp. Oh mercy.

Arnold: Hey Grandpa.

Grandpa: Why, if it isn’t young Arnold home from his day at school. How come you’re all covered in paint?

Arnold: Helga poured it on me. So I poured some on her.

Grandpa:(Stands up) What! Oh my word, you’ve snapped Arnold! You’ve turned into some kind of vicious, paint-pouring thug. (Arnold rolls eyes) I don’t know what to think about you any more. Why didn’t you follow your instincts like I told you?

Arnold: I did Grandpa.

Grandpa: I wasn't talking about those instincts. I meant your good ones.

Arnold: I know, Grandpa. I feel terrible. What should I do?

Grandpa: Well, you may be stuck with this girl for a long time, you better try and make peace.

Arnold: Yeah, I'm gonna call Helga and apologize.

Big Bob: Hey, Helga, it's your little friend, Alfred, on the phone!

Helga: Arnold? Calling me? At my house?

Big Bob: Yeah, yeah, Arnold. Whatever. Anyway, he's on the phone for you!

Helga: Oh, Arnold! So kind, so just, so moral! [is twirling around while the telephone cord is wrapping around her] You couldn't help but return to the ways I know and love. [she sighs and falls to the floor with a loud thump, Big Bob hears the fall from downstairs]

Arnold: Helga?? Are you there??

[Helga is on the floor wrapped in her telephone cord]

Helga: [sarcastically] Yeah, yeah! An agreement sounds great. Have my people call your people and we'll draw up the papers! Yeah, in your dreams, football head! Like I'm ever going to agree with you about anything! And don't ever call me at my house ever again!!! EVER!!! [sighs and Big Bob opens her bedroom door and looks down to her confused, Helga looks up at him and laughs sheepishly]

Big Bob: I'm not even gonna ask... [leaves her room]

Grand Prix

Stinky: How about the Muave Avenger?

Arnold: We are not calling our go-cart, the Muave Avenger. [Scene changes] I can't believe we called our go-cart the Muave Avenger.

Edmund: Hey, when do I get to drive?

Wolfgang: You get to drive, uh... NEVER!

[Eugene has come in second.]

Stinky: But we didn't win.

Eugene: But I didn't crash!

Stinky: But we didn't win.

[At the end of the credits]

Phoebe:Arrivederci!

Grandpa's Birthday

[Grandpa believes he has died]

Grandpa: Well, that's it. I must be in heaven. Oh, no! Oskar's here! This must be the other place!

Arnold: No, Grandpa, you're still with us. Good morning, Grandpa.

Grandpa Phil: What's so good about it?

Grandpa's Sister

Grandpa Phil: And I'm about to go fishing with my favorite grandson!

Arnold: I'm your only grandson.

Grandpa Phil: Uh-huh...

Arnold: Grandpa, you can't jettison Aunt Mitzi out the second-floor window!

Grudge Match

Arnold: Helga, are you OK? Say something!

Helga: [Dazed from being hit in the head with a golf ball] Oh, Arnold, I'm fine as long as you're near me! Your honest eyes, so full of concern, and love-

Bob: Helga, what is wrong with you? That ball was headed straight for the cup! This could cost me the whole game!

Helga: [Instantly back to normal] I'm fine, Bob, thanks for asking.

Grandpa Phil: Ohh, I hit a birdie, that's terrible!

Hall Monitor

[Phoebe has just been shoved into a locker when other kids ran past her, in spite of just being made hall monitor.]

Helga: Phoebe, are you OK? Phoebe! Say something!

Phoebe: I quit.

Phoebe: I don't really want to be this bossy scary selfish emotionally challenged person, who has to order people around just to get respect!

Helga: [Oblivious] Who'd want to be like that?

Gerald: You know that monster truck show this afternoon? Wish we could go.

Arnold: Can't, got detention.

Gerald: Yeah, me, too. Look at these! One for walking too fast, one for walking too slow, one for turning a corner too sharply, one for turning too wide, one for squeaky shoes, one for suspiciously quiet shoes. And these are from this morning. [Tosses them on the floor]

[Phoebe writes another ticket and gives it to Gerald]

Gerald: What's this for?

Phoebe: One for littering.

[Phoebe has just given Helga a detention ticket]

Helga: Phoebe, get real. Helga Pataki doesn't do detentions. Besides, I've got tickets to the monster truck show. I was gonna take you.

Phoebe: No, you get real, Pataki. You're the one who told me not to let anyone push me around. Well, I'm not letting anyone push me around, and that includes you. And one more thing, I despise monster truck shows.

Helga: When I told you not to let anyone push you around, I didn't mean me!

Helga: You're a controlling, hall monitoring bully!

Phoebe: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Helga: Phoebe, over the last week, you've screamed at kids in the halls, you've rationed water at the drinking fountain...you've given out more tickets than a lottery! I mean, look around! Half of our class is sitting here in detention!

Phoebe: So what? I'm just acting like you.

Helga: Look in that reflection, what do you see?

(Phoebe looks at herself in the reflection and her refection turns into a copy of Helga)

Phoebe: (Screams)

Helga: Hey, it's not that scary.

Phoebe: Yes it is! I've lost the old Phoebe!

Harold the Butcher

Mr. Green: Hey! That looks like my ham!

Harold: (whimpers) Ham? What ham?

Mr. Green: Harold Berman, I can't believe my eyes. You stole my beautiful ham! And now it's ruined!

Harold: Aw, I was hungry! I was really, really hungry!

Mr. Green: That doesn't give you the right to steal from people! You understand that?

Harold: NOOOOO!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!

Mr. Green: I'm gonna have to call his mommy.

Rabbi Goldberg: Harold, I'm disturbed about two things. First of all, you stole. Stealing is against the law; Thou Shalt Not Steal.

Harold: But I was hungry, Rabbi Goldberg!

Rabbi Goldberg: And secondly and most important, you stole a ham. Ham is not Kosher. Not Kosher at all. We don't eat ham. We haven't for 5,000 years, and we don't need to start now.

Harold: I know! And I'm sorryyyyy!

Rabbi Goldberg: Yes. I know you're sorry, because you did something that got you into trouble. But I don't think you understand why. When I was a young man about your age, I had a friend who admired a vest hanging in a tailor shop. It was a beautiful vest: Red velvet with gold buttons. He coveted that vest, Harold, but didn't have the money to buy it! You know what happened? My friend stole the vest! And he was punished! He had to work at the tailor shop, learning how to cut and sew and stitch so he would see just how much work it takes to make a vest. He learned a good lesson. You can too, Harold. I have an idea.

Harold: Do you like being a butcher?

Mr. Green: Huh? Yeah. I've been doing it for a long time.

Harold: What's your favorite kind of meat?

Mr. Green: Don't you have sweeping to do?

Harold: What's the difference between a rump roast and a buttstick?

Mr. Green: Hey, I got work to do! Go sweep outside! Just two more days, and he's out of my hair.

Mr. Green: Harold, what in the name of Pete do you think you're doing?!

Harold: Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Green. You caught me stealing that turkey red-handed, didn't you? Guess you have to punish me now and make me work in your shop again, huh?

Mr. Green: Oh, no. You're not fooling me, Harold Berman. I told you I don't want you to work in my shop anymore, and I meant it! Now go on, scram!

Arnold: Uh, Mr. Green. I brought someone to help you.

Mr. Green: Oh, no. No, Harold. I already told you, you're in more trouble than you were. You couldn't possibly be any help.

Miriam: Uh, Mr. Blue.

Mr. Green: It's Green.

Miriam: Where are my briskets?

Mr. Green: I told you, we're out of briskets!

Harold's Bar Mitzvah

Harold's Friends In Harold's Dream: (To Harold Repeatedly) Be A Man!

Danny: [Describing his mother] She's tall and has... hair! Wah-wah!

Harold's Kitty

Harold: Don't shoot! I'm just a kid with a cat!

Harold vs. Patty

Harold: [after hearing Sid and Stinky make fun of him after losing to Patty] So what if I lost to a girl? Patty's the best arm wrestler in the whole city, and she's my friend! I'm proud to lose to her, and if anyone has a problem with that, I'll pound them!

[Harold headbutts Sid and Stinky]

Sid, Stinky: Ow!

Headless Cabbie

Stinky: [telling his scary story] This here yarn of a horror is about the ever-frighting: Monkeycat. In the dingy laboratory of the despicable Dr. Mischief, there lived an old furry cat. One day, the cat snuck into the cage of a frisky monkey and got himself caught. Dr Mischief watched as the monkey and the cat began to fight, they became entangled together and that's when the evil doctor got his big idea. He cut off the monkey's head and sewed on the cat's body and invented...Monkeycat!

Gerald: Monkeycat?

Stinky: Monkeycat!

Gerald: What's so scary about that?

Stinky: It's a banana eating milk drinking horror monster, Monkeycat!

Harold: [throws his pillow at Stinky's face] That's not scary! That's stupid!

Heat

Lana Vail: Arnold... a little cold air. Is that so much to ask? Is it?

[Arnold sighs and walks into the kitchen, where most of the boarders are gathered around the air-con]

Grandma: I can't stand it, Arnold. It's hotter than blazes! I'm a grandma with a husband, a young grandson, and a boarding house full of people to be responsible for.

Arnold: [thinking] This heat is so crazy, it's got Grandma acting normal.

Ernie: I'm telling you, one good shot with my wrecking ball, and we could get ourselves some grade-A cross ventilation going here!

Grandpa: Nobody's knocking down any walls, you hotheaded loony! This thing's keeping us plenty cool enough.

[The air-con promptly breaks down]

Oskar: Oh, great! What is this, a brownout or what?!

Ernie: Could you do something?! I'm melting here!

Grandpa: Now, now, everyone calm down. In these modern times, there's always a smart high-tech solution to problems like these... Arnold, run down to the store and get us some ice.

Eugene: I'll take a snow cone.

Jolly Olly Man: $18

Eugene: All I have is seventy cents, what will that get me?

Jolly Olly Man: [laughs] Nothing!

The Jolly Olly Man: Haven't you ever heard of supply and demand?

Helga: Well, I demand that you supply me with some ice cream, before I knock your teeth out!

Kids: (repeatedly) No ice cream, no peace!

Helga and the Nanny

Miriam: I just have to go to work... somewhere.

[Mocking Big Bob, bowing theatrically]

Helga: All hail the Beeper King!

Inge: Helga!

Arnold: Helga, are those flowers in your hair?

Helga: Yeah, you got a problem with it?

Stinky: Wow, Helga, you look just like the girl on the box of hot chocolate.

Phoebe: You set her up on purpose?

Arnold: Can't believe you do something that mean.

(All The Kids At The School Playground Leave Helga Alone And Have Their Lunch Elsewhere)

Helga: Hey, she was ruining my life!

Helga on the Couch

Helga: I'm late for school and no one made my lunch.

Miriam: Oh, yeah, I did, honey, I put it out for you... it's... it's around here somewhere... [opens oven door] ...Oh, here it is!

Helga: Moist towelettes, an individual packet of crackers and... a can of shaving cream?

Miriam: How did that get in there? Uh-oh, uh-oh, that must mean the cheese fizz is in B's medicine cabinet.

Big Bob: AHHH!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO RUN A BEEPER EMPORIUM WITH MY FACE SMELLING LIKE HICKORY SMOKED CHEDDAR, MIRIAM??!!

Dr. Bliss: Principal Wartz, I'm Dr. Bliss.

Principal Wartz Oh, Dr. Bliss, I'm Principal Wartz. Welcome to P.S. 118.

Dr. Bliss: Thank you.

Principal Wartz: [nervously] What do you mean by that?

Dr. Bliss: Nothing.

Helga: What are you looking at?

Phoebe: Ohayoo gozaimasu, Helga.

Helga: No Japanese today, Phoebe, I have a headache.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. English!

Helga: Hey, who's the skirt?

Helga: So I hit him, so what?

Principal Wartz: Miss Pataki, I don't need to remind you that striking another student is violating the school code.

Helga: Brainy? He doesn't mind, I do it all the time. What? You would sock him too if he was standing behind you breathing.

Bob: We didn't have therapy when I was a kid.

Helga: That's obvious Bob.

Helga: So, are you a real doctor? I mean, if I suddenly had a heart attack, would you be able to save me?

Dr. Bliss: Well, there is a heart clinic upstairs, so this would actually be a very good place for you to have a heart attack.

Dr. Bliss: How about we try a little word association? Now, I'm going to read off this list of words, and I want you to say the next word that comes to mind.

Helga: [to herself] Steady girl, you can do it. Do not say Arnold.

Dr. Bliss: Love.

Helga: Hate.

Dr. Bliss: Rocket.

Helga: Locket... pocket... Davey Crocket!

Dr. Bliss: Football.

Helga: Head... ha... did I say head? I mean game. Football game.

Dr. Bliss: Monday.

Helga: ...Night Football. falls out of chair ...enough word association.

Dr. Bliss: Good idea.

Young Helga: Hey, who's taking me to preschool?

Big Bob: Uhhhhh... In a minute, Olga.

Young Helga: NO! I'm HELGA, Dad! HELGA!

Young Arnold: Hi. Nice bow.

Young Helga: Huh?

Young Arnold: I like your bow 'cause its pink like your pants.

Young Helga: I love you, Arnold, and I want to marry you.

Helga: I love Arnold! There, I said it! I love him! I love him! Arnold! Arnold! Arnold! I'm absitively posolutly in love with the boy! I want to grow up having a fabulous life, traveling around the world with him! Coffee in Paris, roses sailboats, the whole nine yards, I want to have a perfume named after us "Arnold Helga!" I Love ARNOLD!!!!

Helga: I guess I'm pretty sick, aren't I? I mean, I once made a likeness of Arnold's head out of wads of his used gum.

Dr. Bliss: You're not sick. You feel your feelings very strongly. You're very creative. [Pauses] Did you say used gum?

Helga: So it's okay to be obsessed about him? You know, the shrines, the 3 AM vigils, the chanted spells?

Dr. Bliss: As long as you're not hurting anyone it sounds like an okay way to express yourself.

Helga: So animal sacrifices are out?

Dr. Bliss: Yes, I'm afraid so.

Helga: If you ever tell anyone, I'll rip your tongue out and wrap it around your neck!

Helga: Arnold!

Arnold: Oh, sorry, Helga.

Helga: I just want to say that, that... that you should watch where you're going, Football Head, quit crashing into me all the time! Sheesh! [Helga runs away].

Arnold: Nice running into you too Helga.

Helga: Look at him, all ticked off. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know my secret. What a sap! He still can't even tell that I adore him. [Brainy comes out of a corner and gives Helga a plastic ring.] Look Brainy, this is just weird. How is it that you're standing behind me again? How did you get in this little arch? Where you waiting for me to come into this alley? What's your deal? OK, I am not gonna hit you this time. This one's for free. Today I'm feeling generous, but tomorrow look out.

Helga Sleepwalks

[Helga has been sleepwalking, Phoebe following and Helga has just woken up on Arnold's fire escape after confessing everything, although Arnold has only just woken up.]

Arnold: What are you guys doing?

Helga: Doing? What does it look like we're doing, Hair Boy? We're taking a walk.

Arnold: Taking a walk on my fire escape?

Helga: That's right, Football Head. On your fire escape. It's a free country, we can walk wherever we feel like. Right, Phoebe?

Phoebe: Uh, right!

Helga: Let's go.

Arnold: Whatever you say, Helga.

Helga: This whole thing, it never happened.

Phoebe: Forgetting!

Helga vs. Big Patty

Helga:So the thing is, Patty, I realized you're a human being too, and you have felines...? ooh, ooh, feelings!

Patty:[to Helga] Hey, don't mind me asking, but you and Arnold...Do you have some kind of thing for each other?

Helga: What? No, I mean, are you crazy, give me a break!

Patty: I was just asking. He's kind of cute.

Helga: If you like football heads. [The girls exchange smiles]

Helga Blabs It All

Helga

Boy I'm feeling goofy, you know this Arnold guy he's been on my mind morning, noon and night for the past six years. I mean think about it, since I'm currently nine years old that is fully two thirds of my young life, is that crazy or what?

Why do I torture myself by keeping it all a big secret why not just tell Arnold? La La La La La.

Hey why am I telling you all this, you don't even know the guy. I'll just call that adorable little football head right know and tell him myself. Phone rings she gets answering machine.

Hello Arnold this is Helga yes Helga G. Pataki the girl that worships you yes wastes days of passionate thoughts about you ohh my angel sweet love ohh how I lo.... AHHHHHHHHH!

Arnold: [Halfway across town] Did you hear something just now?

Gerald: No.

[Helga is hiding in the air vent directly above the hallway, unknown to the fourth-grade boys.]

Curly: Why don't we have the meeting right here in the hallway?

Helga: Ohhh, brother! Why doesn't everyone I know just show up so they all can spend the rest of their lives in this hallway?

Helga's Boyfriend

Stinky: I'll die!

Arnold: You won't die, Stinky.

Stinky: No, I will, I'll die! Lay down and die like an old dog.

Helga's Locket

Helga: [quoting the new inscription inside her locket] Arnold, my soul, you are always in my heart. Love, Helga G Pataki.

Grandpa Phil

And you forgot your moustache!

Helga's Makeover

Arnold: Helga's a girl.

Gerald: She is? Glances at Helga Oh, yeah, I always forget.

Singing Harold: Helga's not a girl, Helga's not a girl! (Boys repeat Harold singing "Helga's Not a Girl".)

Helga: That's it,... (hits Sid with a baseball glove) you're... dead! (Harold screams) (to Harold) COME BACK HERE, YOU BEAST!

Arnold: You know what, Gerald?

(The sudden crash is heard.)

Helga: Not girl enough, humph, what a bunch of crap, I am too a girl, I'm pretty, I'm feminine, I'm delicate.

Helga bumps into someone who's a man

Man: Oh, excuse me, young man.

Helga: I'm a GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL!

Cashier: Yeah, um, how much is this magazine to make ugly girls look pretty?

Sid: I just saw Helga on her way to Rhonda's party and she was all dolled up... LIKE A GIRL!

Helga: You're right, Rhonda, I'm not like rest of you, I'm not wearing a mask, I mean, look at us, tin foil in our hair, glop on our faces, high-heeled shoes? Why are we wearing them? We're already taller than the boys!

(The sudden crash was heard.)

Rhonda: Did you hear something?

(Kids scream)

Harold: The horror, The horror!

Helga: (to Harold) COME BACK HERE, YOU CHICKEN LOB/FLOP! (Girls evil laugh at Harold.)

Helga's Masquerade

Helga: So I'm sitting on the couch the other night when Big Bob walks in with a bag of takeaway. Miriam, who's wearing some silky nightgown thing, takes one look at him and says "Chinese takeout? I thought you said we were gonna make out!" [laughs] Pretty funny, huh? [The other kids stare at her, finding it shocking. Lila takes Helga's arm and pulls her away] What? What'd I say?

Harold: Ew, look, it's Helga Pataki and her big hairy caterpillar eyebrows!

Lila: Helga, I'm certain this would be an ever so good time to practice being non-confrontational.

Helga: [Trying not to lose her temper] Non-confrontational.

Harold: You're so ugly, Helga! You better not sit anywhere near me, or I might lose my appetite!

[Helga smashes her tray into Harold's face]

Harold: Ew, look, it's Helga Pataki and her big dumb billy goat ears! You better not sit anywhere near me, or I might get barf all over the place! [Cringes, expecting Helga to react violently]

Helga: Oh, Harold, it's just ever so charming, the way you feel so comfortable just kidding around with me.

Lila: Gosh, Helga, the progress you've made is just ever so inspiring!

Helga: Gosh, Lila, thanks ever so much.

[Helga is dressed up as Lila]

Lila: Helga?

Helga: Do you like it? It's to thank you ever so much for helping me.

Lila: [Hugs her] Gosh, Helga, I'm certain I just love it!

Helga: [After hearing Arnold mention how he likes her when she's not mean] Okay, so he doesn't like me like me. But he does like me, and that means I'm halfway there.

Helga's Parrot

Parrot

[repeating what Helga said]

Arnold, my love.

Pet Store Salesgirl

Don't talk her out of [buying] it, kid. That lizard's been here so long, I'm teaching it to read.

Miriam: [Through the door] Helga, who are you talking to, honey?

Helga: No one! Just my...uh...imaginary friend.

Miriam: Okay, I'll set another place at breakfast.

Helga: Great, Mom, great.

Parrot: Great, Mom, great.

Helga: Are you mocking me?

Parrot: [Quoting Helga's poem] Why must I worship you and never ever tell?

Helga: Trust me, you won't live long enough to tell.

[Helga, hiding behind Arnold's couch, keeps making a grab for the parrot. The first time, she pulls one of Lila's braids.]

Lila: Ow! Please don't pull my hair, Arnold.

Arnold: Huh? I didn't pull your hair.

Lila: Arnold, I know that you like me like me, but please, don't do it again.

Helga's Show

Stinky

Are you makin' fun on me on account of my love for lemon puddin'?

[Helga is doing stand-up in the school juice bar]

Helga

My first impression is someone we all know. It's the first voice you hear in the morning, and it goes something like this:

[imitating Principal Wartz]

"Attention, students of P.S. 118, I have an important announcement. Henceforth, all lunch-related activities shall be conducted during the lunchtime period."

[normal voice]

Whoo, thanks for clearing that up, Principal Wartz.

Harold: I can't sit next to you, Hel-ga! I might get scared and call for my mommy!

Phoebe: Try to imagine what it would be like if it were you being made fun of, Helga.

Helga: No one would dare try that.

Rhonda: [imitating Helga] Out of my way, geekbait!

Harold: Rhonda's doing Helga!

Rhonda: [Still acting] You clowns try to make fun of me, you'll have to answer to Ol' Betsy!

Phoebe: [Giggling She's pretty good.

Helga: I don't sound like that...do I?

Phoebe: See, Helga?

Phoebe

What good qualities can we say about Stinky?

Helga

Well, he floats.

Helga: What about Arnold? Have you noticed the shape of his head? I mean, it's really wide! How does that kid get through doors? And that little blue hat. Hey Arnold, this just in, it's about a million sizes too small! And he always wears it not in the middle, oh no, but to one side of his head, like a fashion statement. Speaking of fashion statements, Arnold, what is going on with that kilt? I wasn't even aware that we were in Scotland! Rhonda, you better write Arnold a fashion ticket for that one! So clever and optimistic, isn't he? mean, haven't you all heard this? [Imitating Arnold's voice] "Come on, guys, if we all pull together and pool our resources, I just know we can achieve our goal! We really really should do it, because it's the right thing to do!"

Hey Arnold!: The Movie

Bridget

Who'd touched my button?!

[Arnold & Gerald are smiling in a slightly perverse way]

Arnold & Gerald

ME! ME!

Gerald

Do these belts come in any other color?

Bridget

Black or pink?

Gerald

Uh, we'll take black.

Arnold

What's wrong with old things? Some old things are great.

Harold

Yeah, like Mrs. Vitello.

Mrs. Vitello

[Hitting Harold]

Whippersnapper!

Arnold

Grandma!

Ernie

She's still in jail.

Arnold

I thought they were keeping her one night.

Ernie Potts

Yeah, but she keeps trying to escape. Like she thinks it's a game. Fourth time they've brought her back in.

Helga

My brave little football-headed hero.

Arnold

I need to go lie down.

Helga

I'll go with you!

[Arnold, sees Gerald praying]

Arnold

I didn't know you were so religious.

Gerald

Neither did I.

Eugene Horowitz

[singing]

This is our neighborhood! How can they tear it down! How can they turn our smile into a frown!

Arnold

[turns off stereo]

No singing, Eugene.

Eugene Horowitz

But the occasion called for it.

Arnold

No, Eugene. No singing.

Stinky Peterson

[about Scheck]

He sure gives me the willies.

Gerald

Yeah, but he looks good in a suit.

Arnold

[annoyed]

Gerald...

Gerald

I know. I'm just saying.

Scheck

And I would of gotten away with it, if it weren't for that meddling football head, that kid with all the hair, and that brat with the one eyebrow.

Helga

Ah, tell it to the judge, donut hole.

Big Bob Pataki

I could get you that pony you've been wanting.

Helga

I wanted a pony when I was five, Dad.

Helga

[as deep voice]

I'm everywhere and nowhere, but mostly I'm everywhere.

Helga

I wish I had a sign. pigeon poops on her Perfect.

Scheck

[singing]

Life is just a bowl of cherries.

[at end of movie]

Arnold

Now you're looking on the bright side.

Gerald

Somebody has too.

Hey Harold!

Harold

Well, I think girls are stupid and I think dancing stupid too, and if I ever had to dance with a girl I bet I'd drop dead.

Harold

Stop it ma, I'm not charming and I'm not handsome — I'm a big dumb ugly kid.

[Harold and Patty are hanging out on the balcony, since Harold doesn't want to dance, and no one will dance with Patty]

Harold: Pretty good shot.

Patty: Thanks.

Harold: Your eyes are kinda puffy. You been crying?

Patty: No, what are you, crazy? I just got something in my eye.

Harold: Well, how come you're not dancing?

Patty: How come you're not dancing?

Harold: 'Cause I don't like it.

Patty: Well, I don't like it either.

Harold: Dance is stupid, anyway.

Patty: No kidding.

Harold: I mean, what would be so bad if you didn't have to do with girls?

Patty: What's wrong with girls?

Harold: Nothing. I just don't like 'em, okay?

Patty: You're just saying that 'cause you're a boy.

Harold: So what if I'm a boy? What's wrong with boys?

Patty: Nothing. Except they're stupid.

Harold: I am not stupid! And if you say that again, I'm gonna pound you!

Patty: You and what army?

Harold: You know, you really bug me!

[Pause]

Patty: I know why you can't dance. You're scared.

[Sid and Stinky notice Harold and Patty]

Sid: Hey, Stinky, come over here and tell me what I'm looking at.

Stinky: Well, I'd say it looks like Harold. Only it can't be Harold. On the count he's single with a girl.

Sid: It is Harold. And it's not just a girl, it's Big Patty.

Stinky: You reckon he snapped his cap?

Sid: He must've, Stinky. What other explanation could there be?

Harold: Stop it! You guys don't know what you're talking about. Her name's not Big Patty, she's Patty. And she's not clumsy and she's not dumb. Not only that, she's smart and she's nice and funny. I must be crazy to listen to you guys, why do I care what you think? The only thing that matters is what I think. And what I think is I like Patty! And if anybody's got a problem with that, I'll beat you up so bad it won't even be funny!

Hookey

Oskar

Eh. Heheheheh! Look! It's Buddy Love! And he's going coconuts!

It Girl

Big Bob

Not everyone is dressing like you?

Miriam

[Dressed as Helga]

Look, everyone, I'm the it girl.

Helga

AHHHH!

Longest Monday

Stinky

[Hides into a trash can]

Talk about ironic.

[The boys board the local bus]

Gerald

Not a fifth-grader in sight.

[Arnold spots some 5th graders in the back of the bus]

Arnold

[Points out]

Um, Gerald?

Gerald

[Disappointed]

Except for those guys.

Magic Show

Harold

Come on, let's go already, I paid for this show!

Sid

Paid for it? It's free, you bonehead!

Helga

Oh brother, we're living in Geeksville.

Phoebe

I think he looks highly professional.

Helga

What, are you blind? Two pigeons just flew out of his pants!

Helga

[on the "rubber" pencil]

It's the oldest trick in the book!

Helga

[on disappearing box]

What a cheap trick!

Helga

Hey, If I'm a ghost, I can fly. Helga jumps straight on to the road

Helga

I can't believe it. They're happy I'm gone? Everybody was supposed to miss me! This can't be happening!

Person in Helga Costume

[Person inside costume speaks through a voice box]

Doy. Doy. Doy. Doy. Move it, bucko! Move it, bucko!

Helga

[on the road]

Oh wait, I forgot, I'm invisible.

Helga

Somebody miss me!

Arnold

All magicians know that it takes, uh, 48 attempts to bring someone back. So finally, here she is, Helga!

Married

(Arnold is taking Rhonda's marriage predictor test, and keeps coming up with "Helga")

Arnold: One more time.

Rhonda: No, Arnold! You've done the test a hundred and ten times, and it always comes out the same. You and Helga are going to get married when you grow up.

Arnold: But that can't be right. One more time, just one more time!

Rhonda: No! You're marrying Helga Pataki! That's final! Live with it!

Arnold: But Rhonda!

Helga

Oh... Arnold and I are going to be married! It’s true! He did the test 110 times, and... despite the fact that the result revolted him... it always came out the same! Me and Arnold... MARRIED! Oh, it’s FATE! This is... wonderful...

[Arnold & Gerald head toward Arnold’s house]

Arnold

This is HORRIBLE!

Helga

[in her closet]

I’m going to marry Arnold! It’s like a dream!

Arnold

[in his room, ready to sleep]

It’s like a nightmare!

Helga

[in her bed]

The one boy I’ve always hoped I would marry!

Arnold

One girl I NEVER WANNA marry! EVER!

Helga

Arnold... Arnold... kisses her Arnold locket

Arnold

[dreaming]

I’m not going to marry Helga... I’m not going to marry Helga...

[In Arnold's dream, the bride is approaching...]

Gerald

Look sharp. Here comes your bride!

Arnold

Lila?

Helga

[SHE'S the bride]

No such luck, football-head!

Helga

Say, "I do"

Arnold

But, I don't.

Helga

You do.

Arnold

I don't.

Helga

You don't.

Arnold

I do.

Helga

Gotcha!

Priest

[quickly]

Do you, Helga, take Arnold to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish till death do you part?

Helga

You got it, padre! I mean, I do.

Arnold

You are the most beautiful girl in the world. Your eyes are like shining diamonds.

Helga

Aww, go on.

Arnold

All right, I'll stop.

Helga

No, I mean go on, go on.

Lila: Oh, Arnold, I'm oh so sorry! I know you're on your honeymoon, it's just that I can't deny my feelings any more. I know that you loved me once, and I've realized that I love you too, just ever so much!

Arnold: Lila, please! You know I'm married to Helga, the one true love of my life. I liked you liked you once, but that's over. Now I just like you, understand? I like you.

Lila: Oh, but Arnold!

Helga: You heard him, sister! [Pushes Lila's boat away, it leaks and begins sinking]

Lila: I'll win you back, Arnold, I'll win you back, somehow. Wait...I just remembered, I can't swim...

[In Arnold's dream]

Helga

I guess you could say I love, I love...

Clock

Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold!

Monkey Business

(Helga in another moment of dramatic lovesickness)

Arnold, my love, though I shun you in public, berating you, and insulting you, tis only to hide my true feelings of love and adoration (sighs) oh when will I find the strength to express my strange, but nearly uncontrollable affections for you? Hopefully not today or tomorrow because it would be embrassing and humiliating, but perhaps someday in the distant future...yes someday. (punches an upside down Brainy's face sticking out of a treehole.)

Helga

[About the monkey]

Doesn't it do anything else?

[Later, in Helga's dream where she's the monkey]

Lady Observer

Can't she do anything else?!

Helga

I think you're... okay. I mean, you're a real okay, guy, and I think you're okay.

Arnold

[Smiles and pats her on the arm]

Thanks, Helga, you're okay, too. Leaves

Helga

He thinks I'm okay and he touched me!

[Scene changes to outside]

Helga: And I'm not a monkey!

Helga

[As a monkey]

Arnold, I love you, but I never had the guts to tell you.

Arnold

But you're not Helga, you're a monkey, a monkey girl.

Monkeyman!

Monkeyman

MONKEYMAAAAN!

Mr. Hyunh Goes Country

Mr. Hyunh

But you see, Arnold and tall hair boy, I don’t want to be famous! I want to live my life simply! I like my banana wallpaper, I like doing my own laundry! Just give me the simple things!

Ms. Perfect

(Lila has just answered a question in class)

Phoebe: But...but I knew that!

Lila

Don't worry, Daddy, we still have that can of beans in the fridge.

Mr. Sawyer

[Dramatically]

No, we don't, I ate them for lunch! Cries

Helga

[about Lila]

Well, everything's back to normal.

Rhonda

She's Little Miss Perfect again.

Phoebe

She's funny and smart, and pretty and popular.

Helga

And you know what the worst part is? I like her.

Rhonda and Phoebe

Yeah, me too.

Mud Bowl

Wolfgang

We'll meet you tomorrow... on the gridiron. Leaves

Edmund

[Off-screen]

What's a gridiron?

Wolfgang

[Off-screen, whispers]

Shut up...

Gerald

We're going to beat them?

Arnold

Sorry, I got carried away.

Helga

Nice going head boy, now we're all going to get carried away, On stretchers! They're fifth graders! They older, bigger, more brutal.

Arnold

Size isn't everything Helga, maybe we're smarter.

Helga

Smarter, being smarter doesn't have to do with anything with football.

Helga

97

[Kids groan while doing push-ups.]

Helga

98

[Kids groan while doing push-ups.]

Helga

99! Come on! Get up! Walk it off. Let's go! We're going to practice everyday until I start seeing some improvement. And let's start thinking positively, think like winners, you bunch of losers.

[Harold vomits]

Helga

Any questions?

Harold

Ahh, I just throw up my protein drink! Vomits again

Mugged

Grandma

Be as the frog in the pond, Arnold.

Arnold

[Into a mirror]

Hey! You talkin' to me? You... talkin' to me?

Grandpa Phil

No, I didn't say anything.

Arnold

Hey, leave those kids alone.

Mr. Hyunh

How big was this punk?

Arnold

Big.

Mr. Hyunh

Big punk?

Arnold

Big.

Mr. Hyunh

Big huh?

Grandpa

Oh, simmer down, you hot-headed loony!

Mugger

Give me your purse, Granny!

Grandma

He can have it. It's just a purse, you know.

New Teacher

Lt. Major Goose

What is your name?

Curly

Curly.

Lt. Major Goose

Your hair's not curly, boy! What's your real name?

Curly

Thaddeus.

Lt. Major Goose

Curly, go stand in that corner!

Helga

(laughing)

Lt. Major Goose

You've earned yourself a corner, little lady.

Harold

(laughing)

Lt. Major Goose

And so have you Pally! Move Move! Move! You! (to Stinky) The remaining corner, now!

Stinky

Why?

Lt. Major Goose

Symmetry!

Mr. Simmons

Well, that's one way to respond by not responding. Silence: often speaks volumes.

Principal Wartz

It's like music to my ears.

Stinky: Why are your pants ironed so nicely?

Gerald: Why don't you teach us anything?

Curly: Why do fools fall in love?

Olga Comes Home

Helga

To change the grades... or not to change the grades... that is the question....

Helga

Stuck in her shadow, sweet revenge... stuck, revenge.... no contest Helga decides to redo Olga's grades

Olga

[after getting a B plus]

I can't believe. I— I've never even gotten an A-minus!

Helga

Well, you know what they say. The older you get, the brain cells are the first to go.

Big Bob

[about Olga]

She can't be moping all day.

Miriam

Yes she can... I do.

Helga

[eating chocolates]

One for Helga... none for Olga.

Arnold

I don't know, Helga. I've always wanted to have a brother or a sister. I always thought those relationships were kinda special.

Helga

Yeah, well, what do you know? Olga is evil. She's a pompous, overbearing, arrogant witch. Only, this time, I've got her beat.

Arnold

Okay. Forget I mentioned it.

Helga

[on Arnold's advice]

If only I could be that kind... but I'm not, so that's that.

Helga

[on her parents' concern for Olga]

Even when she's out of the way, she still ruins everything for me. Helga slams door on Olga Ah, much better.

Helga

[in fantasy sequence]

What's it like to fly?

Arnold the Angel

It's OK.

Helga

[after telling the truth, and now it's back to the parents praising Olga and punishing Helga]

Everything's back to normal, bucko.

Olga

You must think I'm pretty lucky, all the attention I get from Mom and Dad. I have to be perfect all the time and perform like some kind of wind-up doll. I get really sick of it. You're lucky that they don't even notice you.

Helga

Thanks.

Olga

Hey, what are sisters for?

Helga

I don't know.

Olga

Tomorrow let's spend the day together, just you and me.

Olga Gets Engaged

Miriam

[when she hears about Olga getting married]

No, Olga! Don't make the same mistake I made!

Helga

Oh man, this guy's a total liar! If Olga marries him, her life will be ruined... Perfect!

Bob

"So what's the stinkin' rush all about? get married in a year, if you still want to."

Miriam

"You won't want to."

Olga

"Mommy, Daddy, please don't be harsh............"

Doug

"It's okay, darling, you're parents just need time to adjust."

Bob

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you little twist top, Big Bob Pataki doesn't adjust, you got it?"

Helga

"Daddy, it's not fair to have Olga choose between her true love........and us."

Olga (tearfully)

"Helga's right, Daddy, you're being an awful brute, and Mommy, you're not even trying to like Doug.......I am so.......miserable."

(Olga runs off crying and weeping to her bedroom)

Helga

"If I play my cards right I can get rid of Olga for good."

On the Lam

Stinky

I done went and sat on my hot sauce and now I gots hot pants!

Harold

[Pretending to be a hobo, he gets asked if he's seen Harold, Stinky, and Sid]

No sir, and we don't know nothing about some police station!

Harold

We can't go to the authorities, we blew up the authorities!

Harold, Sid, and Stinky

WE BLEW UP THE POLICE STATION!!!!! Waaaaaah!!!!!

Ernie

No, you nimrods! I did!

Operation Ruthless

Arnold

[practicing]

Hi Ruth. Hi Ruth. Hi Ruth.

[as they are about go into the Tunnel of Love]

Harold

I don't want to go into the Tunnel of Love with you Rhonda!

Rhonda

Oh I know you like me Harold!

[as she grabs him in the ride and as they head off into the Tunnel of Love]

Harold

I do not! HELP! LET ME GO! LET ME GOOOOOOO!

Helga

Make way! Shove over, sister. Checks boy line This is perfect. A little maneuvering and I'll be riding a swan with Arnold while Ruth winds up with some dumb slob. Laughs Helga, you're a genius. Crashes into a girl Shove over, sister!

Phoebe: Err, Helga, just one question...

Helga: What?! Are you implying that I have some sort of ulterior motive? That I'm after this Ruth person because she happens to be the object of some other kid's affections? Some certain young man that I may have my own obsessive affection for? Is that your question? Is that your question?!

Phoebe: [dryly] No, actually, I was gonna ask you which way to the bathroom.

Helga: Oh...

Oskar Can't Read?

Oskar

Kitty, kitty, kitty, do you like to pet the kitty? I like to pet the kitty! Hey look! I'm petting the kitty!

Oskar

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Kid

Can't you read, mister, can't you read?

Oskar Gets a Job

Oskar: Look, buddy, I told you, I don't have the money. I have to use it to pay for my mother's hip operations.

The Man: You little weasel, I'll give you a one week to come up with a cash, or else...

Oskar: Or else what? Okay, I get the picture. You're a big man, aren't you?

(The man creepily turns the door knob to open the door, he looks at Arnold and Gerald, and then they looks at Oskar on the chair. The man shuts the door and salute them with his hat for goodbye and leave.)

Gerald: (Sighs) That Oskar Kokoschka, he's always get into trouble. Does he have a job or anything?

Arnold: (Laughs a little bit) Oskar? I don't think he's ever had a job.

Oskar: (Knocks the door #5 and looks down at Ernie) Ernie, how's your demolitions business?

Ernie: What do you want, Kokoschka?

Oskar: What makes you think I want something? It hurts me when you say things like that.

Ernie: Okay, then. Um... what is it?

Oskar: Well, I just came to tell you, to tell you that I love you, buddy. Come on, give us for a hug!

Ernie: That's nice, Oskar. I like you too. And, uh, a brotherly, sort of way.

Oskar: Well, that's all I wanted to say.

Ernie: Sorry, Oskar, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Oskar: Well, you should be more careful next time, before you go around judging people. Oh, by the way, can I borrow fifty bucks?

Ernie: You're a bum, Kokoschka! A lousy bum! You'll never change.

Oskar: Yeah. So how about the fifty? (Ernie slams the door at Oskar, and Oskar sadly walks away to the next door and then he knocks the door #3)

Oskar: Mr. Hyuhn! How's my fellow immigrant good buddy? Uh, how's it going?

Mr. Hyuhn: You no get...any money from me! You're not good, Oskar! No good at all! (Slams the door at Oskar and makes him walk away)

Oskar: (Arnold's Grandpa opens the door) Grandpa! (Arnold's Grandpa slams the door at him. And walks away) And I guess there's only one thing to do.

Woman: (reading Oskar's resume) Let's see. You're 38 years old and have an eighth grade education.

Oskar: I was 14th in my class.

Woman: Out of how many?

Oskar: Fourteen. (chuckles nervously)

The Man #2: Okay, son, when can you start the job?

Arnold: It's not for me, it's for him.

Oskar: How many sick days do I get?

The Man #2: Him? Is he little old to be a paper boy?

Arnold: He work really hard, I promise.

Arnold: Your first day on the job, you said you had a stomach flu. And today, you said you had a bad back!

Oskar: What's your point?

Arnold: My point is are you going to have another excuse tomorrow, or are you going to do your own job instead of making me do it for you?

Oskar: Arnold, of course I'm going to do my job. Don't worry!

Arnold: Good.

Oskar: But I can't tomorrow. It's a national holiday for my old country. I forgot to tell you.

Arnold: That's it! (Begins walking upstairs) I'm tired of all your excuses!

Oskar: Arnold, you seem a little cranky. Maybe you should take a nap.

Arnold: Look, I only helped you because you said you were desperate. You said you wanted to change. I guess I was wrong. Mr. Kokoschka, I'm sorry, but you are a huge loser!

Phoebe Cheats

Mr. Simmons: [Reading Phoebe's poem in front of the class] I hear your name, like a bell, ringing, ringing, in my heart.

Principal Wartz: [Talking to Phoebe as he leaves] We're proud of our multicultural students here at P.S. 118. [Stops in the doorway and looks back] Where do you come from, Phoebe?

Phoebe: [flatly] Kentucky, sir.

Phoebe: (is haunted by the statue of Emily Dickinson she cheated to win) What do you want from me?! Emily: Well, if it isn't Little Miss Smarty Pants? Phoebe: You're an inanimate object! You can't talk! Emily: And you can't write poetry! (Her voice grows aggressive and cold) Cheater! Cheater!!! (Phoebe hides under her blanket then peeks out) ....cheater. (Phoebe screams in terror)

Phoebe Skips

Phoebe

[jumping on her bed]

I get to go to the sixth grade! I get to go to the sixth grade!

Lila: I just didn't feel right about ruining Rhonda's personal property without getting her permission first. It felt, well, ever so wrong.

Helga: Yeah, well, guess what? You're ever so fired!

[Helga is trying to recruit Nadine as her new sidekick, however, Rhonda sees this]

Rhonda: No way, Helga! Nadine belongs to me! She's MY sidekick, so hands off!

Helga: Criminy, I'm running out of stooges!

Helga: Oh, who am I kidding? I'll never be able to replace her! Oh, if only I had supported her in her moment of distinction instead of assailing her with cruel words!

[Helga and Phoebe reconcile after their fight at the start of an episode]

Helga: You're more than just my sidekick. You're my best friend. I guess I forgot that.

Phoebe: Thanks, Helga. You're my best friend too.

Phoebe's Little Problem

Phoebe: As long as the other students continue to regard me as a gas-passer, I'm afraid I have no other choice than to turn the other cheek. No pun intended.

Arnold: [Telling the class about Phoebe] ...and she's so embarassed and upset that she's never coming back to P.S. 118. [Class murmurs]

Mr. Simmons: Thank you, Arnold, for bringing this very serious issue to our attention. [sighs] Now, people, one of our own classmates is in trouble and it's up to us to help her through her crisis. I think we should all go over to Phoebe's after school and tell her that she has nothing to be embarassed about. I think we should tell her that we love her and care for her and if she comes back to school, we'll all forget about her little incident and never talk about it again! What do you say?! [class remains silent] Okay, if we pull this off, then tomorrow's Movie Day.

Class: YAY!!!

Helga: Look Phoebe, you gotta snap out of this. I mean, criminy, it's not like it's the first time you ever farted. Heck, when you sleep over you do it all the time. You rip 'em all night long, they stink to high heaven. It's all I can do to keep from passing out.

Phoebe: [Points to door from under blanket; irritably] Just get out.

Helga: [Passing Arnold as she leaves] Well, it's all up to you now, football-head.

Arnold: Phoebe? Do you feel any better?

Phoebe: [Emerging from the blanket] Actually, Arnold, I feel worse. I know now that no one is ever gonna forget what I did. From now on, when people look at me, the only thing they'll see is a girl who flatulated.

Arnold: That's not true.

Phoebe: Get real, Arnold! Nine years of living have been reduced to one... to one, solitary fart!

Arnold: Come on, Phoebe. You know there's more to you than that.

Phoebe: Well, of course there is, Arnold! I'm smart and funny! I'm neat and clean and organized! I have a perfect attendance record, and I'm very good at checkers!

Arnold: Well, then you have to do something to make people remember all those things. You have a choice to make. You can run away from your problems, sit in your room and hide from the world, or you can go back to school and stand up for yourself.

Phoebe: I can't do that, Arnold. I can't face them.

Arnold: If you can't face the class, how are you ever gonna face yourself?

Phoebe: Until three days ago, I was Phoebe Heyerdahl, fourth grader, straight-A student, and a good friend to a lot of you. But then something happened. [nervously] I accidentally... uh, well, I accidentally passed... went... [furiously] Heck, I'm just gonna say it! I farted! [the kids whistle and laugh] Yes, that's right! I "let one rip", I "honked a big jobber", "blew the tuba", "popped a whopper"! [the kids stop laughing as she gets serious] You all thought it was pretty funny. I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd think it was kind of funny too. But ever since then, I've gone from being Phoebe Heyerdahl to just "that girl who farted", and I don't think it's fair, because I'm more than that! If you ask me, I don't have anything to be ashamed of. I think you're the ones who should be ashamed! [leaves the stage]

Principal Wartz: Well, I for one applaud Miss Heyerdahl for having the courage to stand up for herself, and I think you should too! What do you say, gang?

Harold: I got something to say. Phoebe's a farter! Phoebe's a farter! [Laughs, then suddenly wets his pants] Uh-oh...

Sid: Look! Harold wet his pants! [the kids laugh]

Harold: [wailing and fleeing the room] Mommy! Mommy!

Rhonda [to Phoebe, smirking] He's never gonna hear the end of it. [the episode ends with Phoebe leaning back in her seat, smiling]

Harold: [offscreen] OH NOOOO!

Pigeon Man

Stinky

[About Pigeon Man]

Does he bite?

Pigeon Man

Some people are meant to be with people, and others, like me, are just different.

Pigeon Man

Remember, Arnold, always wash your berries before you eat them. And fly towards the sun.

Polishing Rhonda

[Patty has just tripped over one of Rhonda's boots, since Rhonda was sticking her foot out to show off the shoes.]

Patty: Sorry, Rhonda.

Rhonda: SORRY?! You just scuffed one of my one-of-a-kind Caprini platforms!

Rhonda

[About her progress report]

Pushy? Self-obsessed? Materialistic? There must be some mistake!

Rhonda

How am I supposed to get punch with you standing there?

Patty

Try saying the magic word.

Rhonda

Move?

Principal Simmons

Simmons

PS 118 needs you back!

Wartz

Excuse me a moment. closes door, starts singing and dancing with a doll They want me back! They want me back! They want me back! Who-ho! opens the door, gets serious face Please come in.

Quantity Time

Bob: [thinking] Now I'm stuck with the girl. How in the heck am I gonna survive this week?

Helga: [thinking] Now I'm stuck with Big Bob. How in the heck am I gonna survive this week? [out loud] I'm going out.

Bob: Where are you going? When will you be back? Be careful crossing streets? [Walks back in, satisfied] I can take a week alone with her.

Helga: You don't know anything about me!

Bob: You're a kid, what's there to know?

Big Bob

[Thinking]

Great, now I have to sit through this stupid musical for three hours.

Helga

[Thinking]

Great, now I have to sit through this stupid musical for three hours.

Ransom

Curly

Yeah, I like Licorice, so what? Kidnapping is not my game — too messy!

Gerald

Then where were you, handsome?

Curly

Alright I'll tell ya but you have to keep it under your hat, see.

Arnold

We'll see about that.

Gerald

I don't think you're in the position to give orders.

Curly

I was at a ballet lesson Madame Bovary's school for boys.

Gerald

Ballet lessons? Oh, come on.

Curly

[Dancing]

Plié, jeté. See, I ain't joking.

Gerald

Hey, he's pretty good.

Arnold

All right, he checks out.

Harold

[To Arnold and Gerald]

You call me Slim one more time, I'll knock your teeth off!

Rhonda Goes Broke

Rhonda:There is no way I'm going to recycle bottles and cans to pay for my lunch! (Scene changes; shows her digging through a dumpster)

Rhonda: I just wanted to say thanks, Arnold. I never could've made it through my poor period without you. But you taught me a lot. (Gives Arnold a dollar bill)

Arnold: What's this?

Rhonda: A tip. It's the least I could do. I know how you p- (Is unable to say "poor") How people in your position appreciate these things.

Arnold: Huh?

Rhonda: Ciao, doll! (Jumps into her parents' car and drives off. Arnold shrugs and puts the money under his hat.)

Rhonda's Glasses

Brooke: Rhonda, just accept it. You can't have contacts yet. Well, we can't both be upset at the same time!

Rhonda: (in tears) I hate my life! Why does everything happen to me? I'm so unlucky!

Rhonda:If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?

Road Trip

Helga

Me, Mom and Dad are supposed to visit my grandma in South Dakota.

Arnold

Sounds like fun.

Helga

I'd rather have a root canal.

Helga

Great! You lost the directions; we’re totally lost on the road to nowhere, with a map of Wankyland!

Helga

Mom, please tell me you didn’t leave your purse on top of the car again!

Miriam

Helga, you know, I think that that is exactly what happened.

Roller Coaster

[as Arnold and Eugene Horowitz are going in a Roller Coaster]

Sid

He's a goner...

Gerald

He's a brave boy...

Harold

He's a saint — he gave me his tokens...

Roughin' It

[on a camping trip, Grandpa is showing Arnold and Gerald survival skills. Gerald is eating red berries. Arnold is eating green berries]

Grandpa

Now remember, only do this under adult supervision. Red and sweet are good to eat, but I swear by this sonnet, green will make you vomit.

Arnold

[swallows]

I thought it was green and sweet are good to eat.

Grandpa

No, I've been saying it all morning. Red and sweet. Red and sweet.

Arnold

Excuse me a minute. [Arnold runs off screen and vomits]

Grandpa

[sarcastically]

You're vomiting, aren't you, Arnold?

Grandpa

Everything in nature is beautiful. Unless it's ugly.

On a hike through the woods

Big Bob Pataki

Ugh! Now the sun's going down. It's getting kind of cool up here. I think I should turn off this mis... [Turns knob and it explodes, sending Bob into a tree. Helga, Phoebe, Gerald, and Arnold ran up to Bob.]

Phoebe

Are you okay, Mr. Pataki?

Big Bob Pataki

Am I okay?! LOOK AT ME! The food's gone, my neck's burn, the mister doesn't work, and to top it all off — WE'RE LOST!

Helga

Lost?! I thought you knew where we were!

Big Bob Pataki

I've been lost ever since we saw those signs in Spanish.

[after the pathfinder breaks]

Big Bob Pataki

Cheap piece of junk. I'll sell thousands of them.

Arnold

[using his instincts]

Camp, should be right... there!

[the group cheers happily]

Arnold

But we've got to follow this path around because...

Big Bob

Forget the path, kid! Camp's right there! [runs through the tall bushes alone and back into the camp cheering to himself]

Arnold

I was just going to say, because that's poison ivy.

Sally's Comet

Gerald

[on the comet]

70 years? Where is it the rest of the time?

Arnold

I don't know, but if we don't see it this time, when comes again, we're gonna be old.

Gerald

Really old. I mean ancient! I mean hair growin out of our ears!

Oskar

Eat cereal, get a telescope. What a country.

Helga

I'm sick of cereal. I'm sick of milk. I'm sick of all these football-headed schemes.

Arnold

[Arnold on why not just dump the cereal]

There are children who are starving.

Harold

I'm starving right here.

Gerald

[yelling to the populace]

Turn off ya lights!

Young Phil

Dad, if only those lights weren't burning so bright.

Phil's Dad

I can take care of that. He pours water on gaslight so Phil can see the comet

Phil

[about Hawk Mountain]

I fell off the mountain and broke every bone in my body.

Gerald

[on traffic to Hawk Mountain]

Man, this is insane!

Nocturnal Ned

Too bad you can't do that on the air, now excuse me, I have to go back on live... Ned has a "whoops, looks like they did" look on his face as he sees the "on the air" indicator is already on

Grandpa

Oh my — look up, boys, look up! 23 skidoo! Heh heh! Boys, you're gonna remember this for the rest of your lives!

Arnold

So, what do you think we'll be doing after 70 years?

Gerald

Lookin' at this comet again.

Grandpa

Yes sir. Of course I won't be, because I'll be... you know"

Gerald

Ah, no you won't Phil.

Grandpa

Would you stop callin' me Phil?!

Save the Tree

Sid

We threw away everything but the kitchen sink! gets the kitchen sink Okay, here goes!

Nick Vermicelli

This time I'll be a 50% partner.

Big Bob Pataki

20.

Nick Vermicelli

40.

Big Bob Pataki

20.

Nick Vermicelli

30.

Big Bob Pataki

20.

Nick Vermicelli

Deal.

Arnold

If I hit the lever, maybe I can stop it.

[Cup misses lever]

Helga

[Mimicking Arnold]

If I can hit the lever, maybe I can stop it.

Arnold

[Thinking]

I hope they stop in time.

Helga

[Thinking]

Boy, he smells good.

Stinky

Wilikers! It's Big Bob!

Sid

And... and... some other guy!

Arnold

Wait a minute. Mr. Pataki, don't do that! Come back!! Mr. Pataki!!!

School Play

Helga

[Trying to scare Sheena]

You know about the end, right? She's in a crypt, you know, a mausoleum, full of dead rotting corpses and bats. Getting steadily creepier And then she takes this big, sharp, rusty dagger... and she holds it up high over her head... and then Feigns stabbing herself and gasping in pain Oh, it's great. Real bloody, violent stuff.

Helga

[Mutters quietly]

I like Arnold.

Lila

Pardon? I couldn't hear you.

Helga

[Mutters slightly louder, but faster]

I like Arnold.

Lila

I'm sorry, Helga, you're mumbling.

Helga

[Practically screams to her face]

I LIKE ARNOLD. Pants I'm head over heels, loop-de-loo, over the moon. I'm in love with the boy!. Pants Happy now? Happy?

Lila

[Stares at her, then smiles coolly]

I kinda had a funny feeling you liked him.

Mr. Hyunh:Why can't you act like a normal person?

Oskar:Me? What about you? You're wearing a dress!

Mr Hyunh: That is to help Arnold! I am Juliet!

Oskar: You're not Juliet. You're a sad man wearing a dress.

Mr Hyunh: I am Juliet! Juliet!!!

Mr. Hyunh

[to Arnold]

Now I believe you should be Romeo. And I will be Juliet!

Helga

[acting]

Go get thee hence, for I will not away...

Stinky

[also acting]

Okey-dokey!

Arnold

I guess we did alright, Helga!

Helga

I guess so! Except for that disgusting kiss. Ugh!

Arnold

Then why'd you kiss me for so long?!

Helga

It was just acting - I was trying to be professional! Don't think I actually enjoyed that! Ugh!

Arnold

Whatever you say, Helga.

Snow

[the residents are moaning about the furnace breaking]

Grandpa

You call this cold? You should have been here in the winter of 49!

Mr Hyunh

I don't care, I was in Vietnam in 1949... plus I was not born yet!

Grandpa

That's the problem with society today.

Arnold

What, we got no work ethic?

Grandpa

No, you got no play ethic!

Spelling Bee

Arnold

[practicing his spelling]

Phlegm. P-H-L-E.....um......

Grandpa

[walks in]

G-M, Phlegm! When you get to be my age, that's a word you use a lot.

Emcee: Your word is "qualm".

Bob: [having seen everything] Qualm? She's heard that story a million times. She's got it. She's got it!

Helga: Let's see. Qualm. Q-U-A-L...

[she suddenly notices her father rooting her on]

Bob: You got it!

Helga: [shrugs] X?

[BUZZER]

Bob: WHAT?!

Emcee: That is incorrect. Arnold is the new champion.

Angry Man

CHEATER CHEATER PURPLE-PEOPLE EATER!

Stinky Goes Hollywood

Oskar

Drink Ya-Hoo Soda, it's really great. I'm telling you it's the best soda okay?

Director

How old are you?

Oskar

I'm seven years old. I'm a little kid, see?

Director

Next!

Oskar

Ehhhhhhhhhh...

Stinky

Ya-Hoo Soda, just drink it.

Stinky's Pumpkin

Stinky

[to his father]

I know and all in one week too!

Stinky

Try, try, and try again, til you can't try no longer. And if that don't work, you just spent a whole lot of time doin' somethin' you just couldn't do.

Mayor Dixie

Wow! That's the biggest vegetable I've ever seen! First prize goes to.

Stinky

Stinky Peterson.

Stoop Kid

Gerald

He'll chase you down and pulverize you.

Arnold

How can he if he never leaves his stoop?

Gerald

Arnold, you're bold. Bold and crazy.

Harold

Hey, Stoop Kid, are you gonna cry for your mommy! laughs

Stoop Kid

Hey, come back here, you fatboy!

People

Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop! Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop!

Stoop Kid

I think I can! I think I can!

Stuck in a Tree

Harold

Arnold and Eugene stuck in a tree, S-T-U-K in a tree!

Chocolate Boy

[Reciting]

Go to the fire station, tell them we're stuck in a tree, and don't stop for chocolate. Stuck in fire station...

Arnold

Chocolate Boy, go to the fire station, tell them we're stuck up a tree, but don't stop for chocolate.

Chocolate Boy

Go to the fire station, tell them you're stuck up a tree, stop for chocolate.

Arnold

Don't stop for chocolate.

Chocolate Boy

Go to the fire station, tell them you're stuck up a tree, but only after stopping for chocolate.

Student Teacher

Harold

Hey, look, it's Helga the bed wetter. laughs

Summer Love

Helga

What the heck is going on here?? I'm gone for two LOUSY minutes and some bimbo is moving in on my territory! Well, fat chance I'm gonna let that happen. Arnold is gonna be mine, this vacation and no little beach chippie is gonna come between us!

Helga

[To Summer]

So long, Autumn! It's been a blast.

Grandpa Phil

[To ducks, suddenly realizing he was hallucinating]

Wait a minute, you're not my ancestors, you're a bunch of ducks.

Grandpa Phil

[Picks up shell]

Hello, 911? This is Grandpa!

Sandy

So you sure he doesn't have a clue?

Summer

Arnold? no way! he's pathetic, he's in love with me, I could probally get him to build me five sandcastles.

Sandy

But we just need one baby.

Summer

I know one sandcastle, we get first prize, I totally blow off Arnold and get to be on Babewatch, this plan worked out so perfectly.

[Her and Sandy kiss passionately]

Helga

[to crushed Arnold]

Sorry Arnold.

Arnold

You were right the whole time Helga.

[Summer walks over to where they are]

Summer

Oh Arnold there you are, ready to build our winning sandcastle?

Arnold

Forget it Summer, I'm on to you, I know you think I'm pathetic and I know you've been lying to me this whole time.

Summer

[surprised]

Arnold, I-I—

Arnold

I just heard you and that Sandy guy, you were just using me.

Summer

[shocked]

But-but—

Arnold

I'm not building any sandcastle with you, ever. good-bye Summer.

Arnold

Sorry I didn't listen to you Helga, I guess you were really just trying to be my friend.

Helga

And well I figured it was the right thing to do; I mean she was taking advantage of you and I couldn't just- well hey what the heck are we standing here talking for? we got a sandcastle competition to win; come on!

Suspended

Harold: [when he saw a D+ on his paper] Oh, I hate school. I wish I never have to go to school again!

Arnold: Come on, Harold, it's not that bad.

Harold: Yes, it is! We're trapped in here day after day, doing boring stuff, and standing in line for cold crappy food that they don't even give me time to eat! pounds his fists on his desk Oh, I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I just wish there was some way to get out of school and get to stay home and be free!

Principal Wartz: What the devil's going on?!

Wolfgang: Woo hoo! I'm a fireman! Oops!

Principal Wartz: Wolfgang, that is a flagrant violation of school safety rules not to mention federal law, you're suspended!

Wolfgang: What?!

Principal Wartz: You heard me. You are hereby order to stay out of the school for one entire week!

Principal Wartz: Yes? Oh! Thank you, Harold. You’re right, I should have this fire extinguisher refilled immediately. It’s not safe, otherwise. Thank you though. Now run along to your class.

Harold: Hey! That stupid dork was supposed to suspend me!

Principal Wartz: [he heard Harold; walks out of his office; offended] Harold, did you just call me a stupid dork?

Harold: No, no, no, no! [realizes he could be suspended for doing that] I mean yes. Yes, I did call you a stupid dork!

Principal Wartz: That’s a violation against the school constitution Article 34, Section C, Paragraph 2. You’re suspended.

Harold: YES! I mean- awww, gee...

Principal Wartz: Harold, you're not supposed to be within a hundred yards of school property.

Harold: But Principal Wartz...

Principal Wartz: I'm sorry, Harold. But the school constitution demands that I give you another week of suspension.

Harold: Another week?! No, please!

Principal Wartz: Rules are rules. Now, promise me, Harold, that you won't let me catch you on the premises again.

Harold: I promise, Principal Wartz. I won't go on the premises again.

Principal Wartz: Yes, can I help you?

Harold: Someone ordered a pizza for the teacher's lounge?

Principal Wartz: What are you doing, Harold?

Harold: [in a fake Italian accent] I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not Harold. I'm a little old Italian man delivering a pizza. See? I-I even have a mustache. [Wartz takes the mustache off of Harold] OW!

Principal Wartz: That's another week's suspension for you, young man.

Harold: Awwwww...

Principal Wartz: Repeat slowly after me.

Harold: Slowly after me.

Principal Wartz: No! Not yet. All right, now: I will not enter the school grounds for the next three weeks.

Harold: I will not enter the school grounds for the next three weeks.

Principal Wartz: Good, I'll see you in three weeks.

Harold: Good, I'll see you in three weeks.

Principal Wartz: Harold.

Harold: Harold.

Principal Wartz: D'oh!

Harold: I’ll be on school grounds in no time. What a great plan!

Principal Wartz: Hello, son. You're digging quite a hole there, aren't you?

Harold: Yeah. See, I got suspended because I called the principal a stupid dork. [grunts as he shovels some dirt] And now he won't let me into the school, [grunts as he shovels more dirt] so I'm gonna tunnel in.

Principal Wartz: Is that so? That's another week's suspension for you, Mr. Berman.

Harold: Awwwww... [the shovel drops on his foot] OW!

Principal Wartz: And fill up that hole.

[Arnold and Harold approach]

Principal Wartz: What the devil's wrong with you two? You're not supposed to be within a hundred yards of this school!

Arnold: With all due respect, sir, according to the school constitution, article 14, section 2, paragraph 5, we are fully within our rights.

Harold: And it says here in, uh, a-article 39, section 4, w-when a student gets suspended, he can repeal it if there are... outside circumcisions!

Arnold: [Correcting Harold] ...stances.

Harold: ...stances! Outside circumstances!

Arnold: And we have here 40 pages of the material explaining why we have the rights to be back into school. Under article 39, we would like a review of our case by an outside agency.

Principal Wartz: You boys make a very impressive case. The only problem is that you're talking about an outdated school constitution from 1956. This is the current constitution, and there is nothing in here about any appeals, that's for sure.

[After Principal Wartz lifts Harold's suspension]

Arnold: Thanks, Principal Wartz. [Starts to follow Harold into the school]

Principal Wartz: Wait a minute, where are you going? [Arnold stops]

Arnold: Huh?

Principal Wartz: I didn't say anything about lifting your suspension.

Arnold: But Principal Wartz, I--

Principal Wartz: Just kidding! Now run along! Ah Wartzy, you've done it again. The true prince must temper justice with mercy. It's no wonder the children love and respect me.

[Wolfgang sprays his fire extinguisher at Principal Wartz in the back]

Wolfgang: Hey Wartz, you wide load! Ha ha!

Principal Wartz: That's it, young man! You're suspended!

Wolfgang: You can't suspend me! I'm already suspended!

Principal Wartz: Well, in that case, you're unsuspended! Get back to class!

Wolfgang: Gotta catch me first, old ugly guy! Ha ha! Ha ha!

Principal Wartz: Come back here, pal! [Principal Wartz furiously chases Wolfgang as he falls in the hole] Whoa! HAROOOOLD!!

Synchronized Swimming

Gerald

[About Coach Wittenberg]

But, Arnold, every time we even talk to him, he wants us to join some crazy team!

Coach Wittenberg

Boys, I want you to join this crazy team.

Teachers' Strike

Teachers

No chalk, no teachers! No chalk, no teachers!

Principal Wartz

Where do you think you're going?

Arnold

Back to school.

Gerald

There are teachers everywhere!

Harold

It's like one of those horror movies!

Helga

Except for the fact it's real, pink boy!

The Aptitude Test

Helga: I'll show them. I'm me the most mountain, nature-loving girl the Aptidute has ever seen. [Whacks a pine cone with a stick]

Eugene: 5, 6, 7, 8, and— [Gets hit with the pine cone]

Phoebe: [Giving a possible explanation to Helga's suggested career of woodsperson] Perhaps the test results indicate that someone with your dominate aggressive personality's best suited to a solitary occupation with a physical outlet for your expressions of rage. [Helga leans forward and glares angrily at Phoebe; nervously] Or perhaps not.

The Baseball

Mickey Kaline

[to Arnold]

Y'know, kid, since I was seven years old the only thing I ever wanted to do was play baseball. I loved every minute of it. From the first time I played catch with my dad to the home run I hit this afternoon. And, well... thanks, kid.

The Beeper Queen

Helga

Mom?

Miriam

Helga? What on earth are you doing here?

Helga

I need you for a minute, Mom. I mean, I need to talk to you.

Miriam

You need me for a minute, Mom. Listen, I am sorry, Helga, but this is just not a good time. I mean, we'll be back on in five minutes and they need me. So whatever it is, it'll just have to wait until later, okay? So, go on, bye-bye, go do your homework or something.

Cool Jerk

Helga

[to Harold being hit by a dodgeball]

You're fine, Rudolph.

Gerald

My buddy says Frankie G. is bad news.

Frankie

See you tomorrow, Arnold.

Arnold

See ya, Frankie.

Gerald

There something I don't like about that Frankie G guy.

Arnold

Well maybe you're just bummed cause there's actually someone around cooler than you for a change.

Frankie

I said I like you, kid! You got potential!

Arnold

You want my pencil?

Gerald

Fuzzy Slippers tells no lies man.

Gerald

Who'd you say was the coolest again?

Arnold

You're a Bold kid, Gerald.

Gerald

Wait a minute. That's my line.

The Flood

(The dark clouds come and kids in P.S. 128 are domestic arguing (fighting))

Harold

And you can't stop me!

Sid

No fair!

Mr. Simmons

"[stopping the kids' domestic arguing]"

Harold

[crying]

I'm so close to the food! So close and yet so far away!

Helga

[to Harold]

Aw, put a sock in it! The rest of us can't live off our bulk like you can.

Mr. Simmons

[to Helga]

Young lady, I'm warning you!

Helga

What are you gonna do, make me stay after school?!

Stinky

Helga, you're just too dang ornery!

Helga

Here's how much I care what you think! snaps finger

Arnold

(stops the Helga and Stinky's fight), Helga, as long as we're here, we should try and get along.

Helga

(Sarcastically) You're, right, Arnold. (to Stinky) Hey, would you like some some dessert? (Flicks green Jell-O from her spoon)

Stinky

Oh, (throws the green Jell-O. Helga ducks, and it hits Curly. Rhonda laughs until she gets Jell-O thrown at her. The food fight spreads to the whole cafeteria)

Curly: I haven't changed my underwear in five weeks.

Rhonda: Nine seventeen. It's official. My life is over.

Curly: [Trying to get closer] Give Daddy some sugar.

[Rhonda groans in frustration]

The Haunted Train

Arnold

Brainy? What are you doing here?

Brainy

Um. wheeze Something.

Arnold

There is no haunted train.

Grandpa

Well, now I didn’t say that.

The High Life

Gerald

What am I gonna do now, Smart Guy? AWWWWWW!!! sobs

The Journal

Grandpa

[Grandpa is reading out of Arnold's father's journal, an entry describing a volcanic eruption]

"It was terrifying and beautiful all at the same time." to Grandma Kind of like you, Pookie.

Phil

[reading journal]

It was the hottest night the jungle could get when we... whoops, time for bed Shortman!

Arnold

But Grandpa, it's only six o'clock.

Phil

Well, go order us some dinner then.

[Arnold leaves, and Phil tears the page he was reading out and puts it in his pocket]

Whoo, that was close.

Phil

[to Arnold]

They should have named you Phil.

[after reading about Arnold's birth]

Arnold

So, did my parents go back to their village after that?

Grandpa

[sarcastically]

No, you all lived in a temple surrounded by hot, boiling lava.

Grandma

But where did they go to the bathroom?

Grandpa

Yet another mystery.

Grandpa

Never get old, Arnold, never get old!

Priest Translator

[to Stella and Miles]

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. —

[Pookie interrupts the story with a belch]

Grandpa

Pookey, I got a roll of tape, and I'm not afraid to use it!

[Arnold is sitting outside overlooking the journal when he sees what appears to be two pages folded together. When he unfolds them, it turns out to be a map.]

Arnold

[gasps]

A map!? It must be the same route my parents took on their last trip to the jungle!

[excitedly runs back inside]

Grandma! Grandpa! You have to see this! I found a map!

The List

Gerald

The list for a kid's perfect Saturday: watch every cartoon from Six AM 'til Dance Craze, while eating three bowls of sugar chunk cereal; ride your bike down the steepest hill in the neighborhood, and you all know which one that is; play catch with every kid in the park; and finally, go to the movies and sit through it three times!

Guy on TV

Mutant robots from outer space, spitting bacteria that eat your face... TV melts

Grandpa

Hmmm... looks like I got the 220 mixed up with the 660.

The Little Pink Book

Helga

Those poems weren't meant to be seen until I am dead and buried and worms have consumed my flesh.

Helga

[referring to Arnold's room]

I'm in his room, the place I have often visited in my dreams.

Helga

Ohh My gosh what is that shampoo?

Arnold

So far, we know our suspect is female, lives in the tri-state area, and is somewhere between the ages of eight... and eighty-seven.

Gerald

[sarcastically]

Oh, we're doing good...

Helga

First spitball of the day football head.

The Old Building

Arnold

No, you see, I told Grandma I’d help save the same building I told Ernie I’d help destroy!

The Pig War

[Arnold and his friends built a wooden pig and are hiding in it while]

Grandpa pulls it to the "British" fort

Helga

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Arnold

Look. It worked on the Trojans because their enemies knew they were tired of all the fighting.

Grandpa

It worked on the Trojans because the Greeks knew when to keep quiet.

[after Grandpa wheels up a giant wooden pig as a surrender gift]

Rex Smythe-Higgins

Savor this moment, grandson, when your enemy surrenders. Open the gate!

Gate Opener

Uh Sir, there is a historical precedent to this and I think we should consider.

Rex Smythe-Higgins

Your job is not to consider! Your job is to blow the hunting horn! Now open the gate!

[the gate is opened and Arnold and his friends run out of the pig as soon as it is inside]

The Racing Mule

Ernie

[worried about the bet]

Yeah out, as in two hundred clams right down the crapper!

The Sewer King

Arnold

(drops the watch) NOOOOO!!!!!! (falls down to the sewer) Whooooooooooa!!! (the spider/sewer king come after him and Gerald), AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Grandpa

Hey, where you going?

Arnold

To take a long, hard look at my life.

Grandpa

Well, while you’re there, would you pick up a quart of milk?

Sewer King

I don't even know what time it is.

The Vacant Lot

Gerald

We can call it: Gerald Field!

Arnold

Yeah, that's what we'll call it! Gerald Field!

Gerald

Yeah?

Arnold

Yeah!

Both

Yeah! Whahaha haha!

Gerald

I like that name.. Gerald Field! Just say it! GERALD FIELD!

Gerald

You're a bold kid, Arnold, a bold kid.

Arnold

Our hands! Grabs Brainy's hand Look at these hands!

[Brainy wiggles his fingers]

They cleaned that lot! It's not fair.

[after Arnold and his friends dump the contents of a dumpster onto Gerald Field]

Grandpa

Now if Arnold and his friends had to do this, they must have had a good reason.

Quietly to Arnold Head for the hills boy, I'll try to slow 'em down.

Arnold

It's okay, Grandpa. We know what we've done. You see, this is how the lot looked before we cleaned it up. Before we turned it into Gerald Field, and before you guys kicked us out.

Gerald

So if you want Gerald Field so badly, you can have it just the way we found it: a dump!

Timberly Loves Arnold

Gerald

Arnold, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Arnold

I don't know. What do you think I'm thinking?

Timberly

[to Arnold]

You're the nicest boy ever!

Gerald

[imitating]

Arnold, you're the nicest boy ever! See you tomorrow, Romeo!

Timberly

Where are you going?

Gerald

Nowhere.

Timberly

What are you doing there?

Gerald

Nothing.

Timberly

Can I come?

Gerald

No!

Gerald

We're going somewhere to do something.

Timberly

But you just said you're going nowhere to do nothing!

Timberly: Hey, you guys, where're you going?

Gerald: Nowhere.

Timberly: Can I come?

Gerald: No.

Timberly: But you always say that! You never let me come along!

Sid: Gerald, why don't we let her come along?

Timberly: I like you, Sid. You're the nicest boy ever.

Tour de Pond

Grandpa Phil

We beated Smith Higgins! We beated Smith Higgins!

Tutoring Torvald

Ms. Slovak

You're 13 years old and you're still in fourth grade!

Ms. Slovak

Torvald, what's 3×3?

Torvald

Uh, 33?

Gerald

[to Arnold]

Do me a favor, Arnold, if he hits you, just lay down and stay down.

Torvald

Look, Arnold, I got a C!

Weighing Harold

Johnny

[pointing at Harold]

Look, Mommy. There's a fat man.

Johnny's Mother

Oh, Johnny. No, no, don't say that. He's not a fat man. He's a fat boy.

Harold

[talking to Arnold]

Look at me. I can barely lift my arms.

Harold

I'll take twelve of them.

Arnold

Harold, twelve low-fat Mr. Fudgies is the same as six regular Mr. Fudgies.

Harold

[yelling at Mr. Jolly Holly Man]

My names not Tubby! It's Harold!

Wheezin' Ed

Harold: [finding a jelly bean] Praise Thor the thunder god!

Arnold: Brainy? What are you doing here?

Brainy: Um... [wheezes] something.

[Vic and Morrie catch the kids in their store of forged pennies]

Vic Hey, you punks! What do you think you're doing?!

[Kids gasp]

Sid: [screams] IT'S WHEEZIN' ED! And... AND SOME OTHER GUY!

World Records

Phoebe

What did you think TSP stood for?

Sid

[With everyone looking at him]

Uh... ten square pounds?

Arnold

We broke the record for most attempts to get in the Book of World Records! They say we're the most determined neighborhood they've ever heard of.

Films

• Hey Arnold!: The Movie (2002)
• Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie (2017)

External links

• Hey Arnold! quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Hey Arnold! at TV.com
• Hey Arnold! at the Big Cartoon DataBase
• Hey Arnold Wiki