Tourist Trapped [1.01]

Mabel: [whispering] He's looking at it, he's looking at it!

A boy: [reading from a letter] Uhh, do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely?

Mabel: [whispering] I rigged it!

Mabel: Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me! [turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]

Dipper: Ah!

Mabel: Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. [in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman] That was fun.

Grunkle Stan: And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face.

Crowd member: Does it look like a rock?

Grunkle Stan: No, it looks like a face.

Another crowd member: Is it a face?

Grunkle Stan: It's a rock that looks like a face!

[Dipper pokes in through the crowd]

Dipper: Over here! Grunkle Stan?

Grunkle Stan: For the fifth time, it's not an actual face!

Dipper: Hey, hey! Let go of my sister!

Jeff (the gnome leader): Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just marrying all 1,000 of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey?

Mabel: You guys are butt-faces!

The Legend of the Gobblewonker [1.02]

Grunkle Stan: It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals.

Dipper: Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our last family bonding day?

[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan making counterfeit money.]

Grunkle Stan: You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman! [Sirens in distance] Uh-oh.

[Back to present]

Mabel: The county jail was so cold...

Grunkle Stan: Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?

Dipper and Mabel: YAY!

Dipper: Wait, what?

[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:]

Dipper: Grunkle Stan, are you wearing a blindfold?

Grunkle Stan: Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? [drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]

Dipper and Mabel: AAAHH!

[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]

Beaver 1: [subtitled] I love cavorting!

Beaver 2: [subtitled] That deserves a hug! [The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides right off]

Dipper: But, w-what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise.

[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]

Soos: Sweet! Beaver with a chainsaw!

Dipper: Maybe that old guy was crazy after all...

Mabel: He did use the word "scrabdoodle"...

[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat.]

Reginald: Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you.

Rosanna: Oh, Reginald!

[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]

Stan: Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better! (Awkward silence) Her aim is gettin' better! Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible! [the couple row away from him] WHAT?!

Headhunters [1.03]

Mabel and Biker: Three, four, five, six.

Mabel: Your wife is going to be beautiful!

Biker: Yes!

Dipper: Mabel! We've got a big break in the case!

Biker: But will she love me?!

Stan: But enough about me. Behold, me! [reveals wax figure of himself]

The Hand That Rocks the Mabel [1.04]

Stan: For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible Sack of Mystery. When you put your money in it, it mysteriously disappears!

Various tourists: [putting money in the bag] Oh yeah! That makes perfect sense! That was totally worth the drive!

Mabel: Hey Dipper. What's going on?

Dipper: Whoa, where have you been? And what's with those nails? You look like a wolverine.

Mabel: I know, right? Rawr! I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man!

Dipper: Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head.

Mabel: Oh, leave him alone! You never wanna do girly stuff with me! You and Soos get to do guy stuff all the time.

Dipper: What do you mean?

Soos: Hey dude! Ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave one by one?

Dipper: [excited] Am I!

[Off screen]

Soos: Yeah!

Dipper: One at a time! One at a time!

[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]

Bud Gleeful: Well, well! Stanford Pines! What brings you here?

Stan: Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon.

Bud Gleeful: Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee!

Stan: I don't think...

Bud Gleeful: (cutting him off) Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia!

Stan: Wow. I went to jail there once!

Dipper: What the heck happened on that date?

Mabel: I don't know. I was in the friend zone, and then he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand!

Dipper: Mabel, come on, it's not like you gonna have to marry Gideon.

Stan: Good news, Mabel! You have to marry Gideon!

Mabel: WHAT?!

[Stan walks in wearing a tee shirt that says 'Team Gideon']

Stan: It's all part of my long term deal with Bud Gleeful. There's a lot of money tied up in this thing. Plus I got this free t-shirt! [Looks down] Ugh. I am fat.

[Mabel runs out screaming]

Stan: Bodies change, honey! Bodies change.

The Inconveniencing [1.05]

Dipper Mabel, do you believe in ghosts?

Mabel I believe you're a big dork! Ha ha ha! (Dipper Puts pencil against globe, making Mabel fall off)

Wendy: And Robbie. You can probably figure him out.

Robbie: Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower.

Dipper Oh, you mean The Big Muffin!

Robbie: Uh, it's a giant explosion.

[Said tower is shown, with a red graffiti explosion resembling a muffin]

Lee: It kinda does look like a muffin.

Wendy: Come on, Dipper!

Dipper: Okay Okay! Just gotta get a foothold...

Robbie: Dude, your sister did it!

Mabel: (Running on the ground sideways in a circle) WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!

Wendy: [to Dipper] ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip.

Mabel: [feeling sick] Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think?

[Mabel hallucinates into a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]

Flavor Pup #1: Elknurg tsurt t'nod!('Don't trust Grunkle' backwards)

Flavor Pup #2: Would you like to eat my candy paws?

Mabel: Of course, you little angel! [starts chewing on the paw Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air.]

Dipper: Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something!

Mabel: (Makes a gurgling sound with Smile Dip all over her face, clothes, and her eyes small and green)

Dipper: Mabel?

Zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination: she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing

Mabel: The future! ...is in the past! Onwards Aoshima!

Aoshima (Moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fist's open out and spit out rainbows)

Dipper: (Shakes Mabel) Mabel! How many of these did you eat!?

Mabel: Beleven.. teen...

Dipper: Oh man. (Drops Mabel) Oh man, oh man, oh man.

Cereal box Toucan: I'm bonkers for eating you alive (Holds up a spoon)

Lee: No! (Screams as a stabbing sound is heard)

Nate: Lee! Okay, okay.. I'm with you kid! 100%, man!

Pa: (Possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice:) Welcome.

Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy: (Scream)

Dipper: They got Mabel!

Pa: Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. (Kicks legs and laughs)

Wendy: We're super sorry for hanging out in your store!

Dipper: Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever?

Pa: Well... okay. You're free to go. (Opens doors) But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs!

Nate and Robbie: (Scream and run for the door)

Pa: (Closes doors) Just kidding about the hot dog sale!

Nate: Just let us out of here already!

Pa: I don't like your tone! (Dissolves Nate)

Nate: (Reappears as a hot dog on the stove) No! I'M A HOT DOG!

Pa: It begins. (Makes everything float to the ceiling) Welcome to your home for all eternity!

Wendy: Dipper, what do we do?!

Dipper: DUCK! (Dipper and Wendy Duck to avoid a flying shelf)

Wendy: (Points) Quick! In there! (Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant)

Wendy: What do they want from us?!

Dipper: Revenge, I guess?

Wendy: What did we do wrong?

Dipper: Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense!

Wendy: Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things.

Dipper: Wendy, say that last part again.

Wendy: Normal teenage things?

Dipper: Of course! Stay here until I get back! (crawls out of the freezer)

Wendy: Dude, what are you doing?!

Dipper: Hey ghost!

Pa: (twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him)

Dipper: I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager!

Pa: (drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma) Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? (drops Mabel into a pile of candy)

Mabel: (Falling:) WAAH! (Lands in the candy and rubs her head) Ohhh...

Ma: Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store!

Pa: Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants! So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music.

Ma: The lyrics...they were so hateful!

[A rap song blares from a boom box.]

Rapper: Homework's whack, and so are rules! Tucking in your shirt's for fools!

TV Announcer: You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel.

Grunkle Stan: Kids! I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up!

TV Announcer: Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire.

Grunkle Stan: [terrified] KIDS!

Mabel: Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again.

Dipper: Hey! (Picks up a package of Smile Dip) There's still some left!

Mabel: (Slaps it out of his hand) EVIL!

Wendy: Well, I'm probably scarred for life.

Dipper: Yeah, that was pretty crazy.

Wendy: I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay?

Dipper: Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... (gets in the car, to himself:) Next time... (gets in the car and sits next to Mabel)

Mabel: OHHHHH... (sees the thing she wrote earlier) What kind of sick joke is this?

The car drives away from the store, and the lights go out in the store. Cut to credits.

Dipper vs. Manliness [1.06]

Testosteraur: Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH?! I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs, and FISTS FOR NIPPLES!

Mabel: No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington!

Dipper: I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said.

Stan: Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's...incident.

[Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]

Dipper: Disco girl...comin' through...that girl is you! [Stan opens the bathroom door] DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN!

[End flashback]

Mabel: [grinning] You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation BABBA?!

Dipper: No, I wasn't-- It's not important!

Sheriff Blubbs: Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery!

Deputy Derland: Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles?

[Sheriff Blubbs' shirt is already off.]

Sheriff Blubbs: Quit readin' my mind!

Lazy Susan: (serving Stan and Mabel) Food!

Stan: Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow.

Lazy Susan: Ha! Silly.. silly man...

Mabel: What was that about?

Stan: Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet?

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you, because nothing is stronger than the power of...

Stan: Love?

Mabel: ...Mabel!

[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]

Multibear: Child, why have you come here?

Dipper: Multibear, I seek your head! Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads?

Double Dipper [1.07]

[All The Clones Fighting]

#10: Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away!

Dipper: No friends, it's me, #7.

[They All Look at #7]

#7: That's not me guys! THATS NOT ME!!!

Irrational Treasure [1.08]

(Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day)

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you coming?

Stan: No thank you! Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me!

Dipper: (In an old-timey accent) There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!

Mabel: (Likewise) Well, hornswaggle my haversack!

(They spit on the ground and run off, laughing)

Stan: DEAD TO ME!

(Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.)

Stan: Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya?

Man: Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box?

Stan: C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack!

Man: "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression!

Stan: I can't take it anymore. (grabbing the man by the collar) I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!

(Sheriff Blubbs and Deputy Derland run over, batons drawn)

Blubbs: Are we gonna have to intervene here?

Stan: Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" (laughs)

(Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks)

Stan: Oh, come on!

Dipper: We're gonna have to break in.

Museum Lady: And here are your balloons; blue and pink!

Dipper: We're in.

Man on Film: If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. (Someone speaks offscreen.) What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief!

Quentin Trembly: ...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours! Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk.

Mabel: Agreed!

Quentin Trembly: Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision!

(Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.)

Quentin Trembly: Very well. But who would you have replace me?

Baby: Mama!

Quentin Trembly: That old crone?!

The Time Traveller's Pig [1.09]

Mabel: He is such a jerk.

Dipper: Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs.

Mabel: Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the-- [screaming] OH MY GOSH, A PIG! [cut to a shot of "WIN A PIG" stand]

Dipper: Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated.

Wendy: Dude. You lost me.

Dipper: [sighs] I know.

[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]

Dundgren: You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct.

Blendin: It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles!

Lolph: That's a pig, Blendin.

Blendin: [to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away] I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet!

[After a moment's pause]

Dipper: Well, we're still here.

Mabel: Guess he forgot to go back.

Fight Fighters [1.10]

Rumble McSkirmish: I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union!

Dipper: Uh, that's gonna be tough. For a number of reasons.

Teenager: [is handed keys to a new car] I love you, Dad!

[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]

Teenager: Oh, my car!

Father: We'll just buy another one!

Teenager: I love being rich...

Rumble McSkirmish: You can hide, but you cannot hide!

Rumble McSkirmish: Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby!

Dipper: We need to just learn to hate each other in silence.

Robbie: You mean, like...what girls do?

Little Dipper [1.11]

Gideon: Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen!

Mabel: NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- [Stops talking and looks below] Gummy Koalas! [is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]

Gideon: [on the phone to Stan] Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them! [pause] This is Gideon, by the way.

Stan: [laughs] Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago.

Gideon: I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo!

Stan: "Text me a photo"? Now you're not even speaking English!

Gideon: But--

[Stan hangs up]

Summerween [1.12]

[After Gordy re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]

Soos: What's up, Gordy?

Gordy: I've been twamatized.

Soos: What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus".

Mabel: I'm so excited!

Dipper: We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy...

Mabel: And have the biggest stomach aches ever!

Dipper: Yeah!

Soos: I ate a man alive tonight.

[everyone looks to Soos]

Boss Mabel [1.13]

Stan: No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work.

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are.

(Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you")

Stan: [After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."] I'm giving none of this to charity!

Stan: [singing reluctantly] I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance.

Bottomless Pit! [1.14]

Soos: I've got a story. It's called, "Soos's Really Great Pinball Story!" (pause) Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever?

[Cut to title card reading: "SOOS' REALLY GREAT PINBALL STORY! Is That A Good Title? Do They Have To Be, Like, Puns Or Whatever?"]

[Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]

Stan: Where... where are we?

Mabel: [gasps] Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top!

Dipper: [checks his watch] And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.

Soos: Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true.

Stan: But that's impossible! No one will believe us. [leans on the pit's sign]

Mabel: Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.

All: Agreed.

[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]

Mabel: [smiling] He'll be fine!

[During the credits, Stan falls through the Pit again with a bored expression]

Stan: [sighs] This is stupid.

The Deep End [1.15]

Toby Determined: On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool!

Mabel: Gravity Falls pool?!

Dipper: Today?!

Soos: Pun intended?!

Mabel: Ah, the pool! Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment!

Stan: Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet.

Dipper: [looking at a towel with a sun wearing sunglasses on it] Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses?

Soos: It's best not to think about it.

[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]

Wendy: Hey, Mr. Pines.

Stan: Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard?

Wendy: I am the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka! Boosh! [throws more balloons]

Stan: [fleeing] AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER!

[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]

Dipper: Wow, you work here?

Wendy: I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house.

Dipper: Yeah, you do! [laughs rather exuberantly for a moment, then whispers to himself] I've been laughing for too long.

Soos: Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning.

Dipper: Soos, shhh!!

Mermando: Hola!

Mabel: Whoa! Are you from Australia?

Kid: How long ya in for?

Stan: Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent!

Kid 2: Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary.

Solitary confinement kid: It's the nights that are the hardest.

Mabel: Hey, I brought you a sandwich! It's kind of wet, but it's still good! I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... [whispers] share your secret, beautiful stranger.

Stan: There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair!

Soos: The legends you told me in the car were true!

Mabel: I should've known from your strange foreign fish language!

Mermando: It is Spanish.

Stan: Yes, yes...burn the child!

Gideon: Deal with it!

[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]

Wendy: Soos!

Soos: Inflatable duck guy? Is that you?

Wendy: Yes, Soos!

Soos: I knew you guys were secretly alive! I knew it!

Wendy: My people have been enslaved, Soos! You must free us!

Soos: The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand...

[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]

Mermando: What are you doing with your mouth.

Mabel: Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour.

Mermando: Can I have some candy?

Mabel: .... No.

Mermando: I have never met anyone like you.

Mabel: Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires.

Dipper: I don't remember the vampires.

Mabel: I don't tell you everything!

Dipper: Mabel? Is everyone here tonight?! What, is Soos here too?!

Soos: [Falls off of the fence in the background.] I'm okay!

Dipper: Go home, Soos.

Soos: You got it!

Mabel: Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs.

Mermando: Intriguing...

Dipper: Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever!

Mabel: Okay...I understand. [Trying to distract Dipper] Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini!

Dipper: [Falls for it] Really? At night?

Stan: Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens.... This was a good plan.

Mabel: Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR!

Dipper: Mermen don't breathe air!

Mabel: Then give him reverse CPR, doi!

Dipper: [Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's] I hate this... I hate this...

Mabel: [Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together] Haha... blackmail!

[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]

Mermando: Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake?

[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]

Dipper: Agh!

Carpet Diem [1.16]

Dipper: Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever.

[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]

Stan: AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD!

Dipper: Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight?

Soos: Sure, dude. [Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.] You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. [Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.] Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Actually felt kind of good that time...

Dipper: Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. [Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.] Ah, get off! Get away! [Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.] This is still better.

Candy: Candy falls down now!

Mabel: Get ready to be poked by the fun stick! Boop!

Dipper: Ow!

Stan: [Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.] Fight, fight, fight!

Announcer: Baby fights! Will return in a minute.

Stan: TV. It knows what I want.

Stan: Man, that's refreshing! Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. [In high-pitched voice] Thank you, Stan[Normal] Ten more for politeness! Oh, and so sweet!

Mabel: Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face!

Stan: I have seen the face of beauty!

Dipper: [In Mabel's body] Braces are horrible! It's like my mouth hates me!

Mabel: [In Dipper's body] Hey, Grunkle Stan! Your face looks like a butt!

Stan: What?!

Mabel: Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink!

Grenda: 3, 4, 5. [Phone rings.] It's him, my dream date! Hello?

Robot Voice: Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2.

Candy: Kevin has the voice of a robot.

Grenda: Don't ruin this for me, Candy!

Candy: Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested!

Grenda: How could you say that to Kevin?

Stan: Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is...I'm going to have to cut your pay.

Waddles in Soos's Body: [Breathes creepily and puts hand on Stan's face.]

Stan: What are you doing?

Waddles: [Breathes eerily]

Stan: Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work!

Waddles: [Continues breathing creepily as the camera zooms in on him]

Stan: Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again!

Candy: Zap zap!

(touches Dipper, swapping their minds)

Candy: I am a boy now! (deeper voice) Wassup bro. Let's grow some mustaches!

Boyz Crazy [1.17]

Stan: (to Robbie) Well if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is comin' soon! Bury your gold. You've been buying gold, right?

Stan: Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll!

Stan: Wait a second! Is something rooting through our trash?

[Cuts to Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can.] Hey, hey! Get outta here! Darn beautiful men always eating out of my trash. Wait what?

Land Before Swine [1.18]

[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]

Bobby Renzobbi: I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it does work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!!!

[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]

Mabel: Go, go! Chew that pant leg!

[Stan tears his pant leg free.]

Stan: All right, that tears it. Outside, now!

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, no! You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators! And barbecuers!

Stan: That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious!

Mabel: He should be inside like a person.

Stan: People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos.

Mabel: And we're the lesser for it!

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles...

Stan: He's a fat, naked jerk!

[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]

Mabel: Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen?! Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him outside?

Stan: What? No, I didn't put him anywhere! I'm not acting suspicious! You're acting suspicious! What's a pig?!

Stan: I should have put that pig outside ages ago!

Mabel: Wait, what did you just say?

Stan: Hm? What's that?

Mabel: You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. [gasps and frowns]

Stan: No! Wait, uh, if you think about it--

Mabel: You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! [She begins to cry] And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD!

Stan: Look, he's an animal. He belong outside!

Mabel: No, that's it! Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again!

Stan: Look, you can't be serious.

Mabel: Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them!

Stan: Kid!

Mabel: [plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle] La la la la la! I can't hear anyone! No one's talking to me!

[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]

Stan: The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig.

[He shoves Waddles out into the open; the pig turns and looks at him]

Stan: What are you looking at?

[Short silence; Waddles keeps looking at him]

Stan: Aw, come on, don't give me that look! What am I supposed to do, let it eat me?

[Another short silence; still Waddles keeps looking]

Stan: [frustrated] Rrrrgh! Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal! Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. [starting to look sad] Telling me her jokes... making me laugh...

[Waddles snorts and cocks his head,

Stan: [chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl] Aw, dang it!! [as the pterodactyl flies straight for them] Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. [dones the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it] You want this pig?! [loudly] THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME!!!

Dreamscaperers [1.19]

Bill: Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back! Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? [laughs] I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon!

Gideon: W-what are you? H-how do you know my name?!

Bill: Oh, I know lots of things. LOTS OF THINGS. [Said in a deep "slow motion" voice, while his body shows pictures of various cryptic things and locations] Hey, look what I can do! [magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands] Deer teeth! For you, kid! [laughs]

Gideon: [dropping the teeth in shock] You're insane!

Bill: Sure I am, what's your point? [restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]

[in a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]

Stan: Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. [door slams shut] Gotta work on that.

Bill: I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one.

Soos: (whispering to Mabel) He's talking about you...

Bill: So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. BUT KNOW THIS! A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you! (slowly) I'll be watching you!

Gideon Rises [1.20]

[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]

Jeff: This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. (Scrubbing his armpit with one of the squirrels.) Scrub, scrub.

[Dipper and Mabel try to trick Jeff the Gnome into marrying Gideon.]

Mabel: What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me!

Dipper: Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair!

Jeff: Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock! Get my cologne!

[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]

Shmebulock: Shmebulock!

Jeff: Is "Shmebulock" all you can say?

Shmebulock: (nodding "yes") Shmebulock...

Grunkle Stan: Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever that is...

Announcer: Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway?! Well then you gotta get Owl Trowel!

[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]

Dipper: Gimme that back or I'll...

Gideon: Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh? Huh!? No muscles, no brains - face it, you're nothin' without this!

Stan: Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got.

Soos: Right away, Mr. Pines!

Stan: Soos? What are you doing here?

Soos: Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awsome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?

[The kitchen is, in fact, ablaze. Soos runs off with a fire extinguisher.]

Stan: You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was!

Soos: [putting his arm around Stan] Hey, I'm here for you, dude!

Stan: The entire lower half of your body is on fire.

Soos: Shhh...we're having a moment.

Scary-oke [2.01]

Stan: Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon.

Crowd: Booooooo!

Stan: Please, please. Boo harder!

Agent Powers: My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town.

Agent Trigger: (pointing at Stan) Activity!

Stan: "Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking!

Agent Powers: I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor.

Stan: (laughs nervously)

Agent Powers: I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth.

Mabel: This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," [gasps] "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra!

Stan: Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me.

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together.

Mabel: Dipper, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?

Dipper: Raise the dead.

Mabel: And what did you do?

Dipper: Raise the dead.

Stan: [fighting zombies] All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME!

Into the Bunker [2.02]

(Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film)

Girl: What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead!

Boy: Far worse, Trixandra! They're nearly almost dead, but not quite!

(Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!")

Dipper: Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies.

Wendy: They're slow! Just power-walk away from them!

(On the TV...)

Chadley: Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot!

(Dipper and Wendy laugh)

Wendy: Chadley ain't pretty no more!

(Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room)

Mabel: They sure are taking their time in there.

Soos: Didn't Dipper say something about a monster?

Mabel: Oh, no! I thought he was joking!

Soos: You KNOW Dipper's jokes are terrible!

(After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer)

Shape Shifter: You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take!

(It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape; Dipper, Mabel and Wendy look shocked)

Soos: (to Dipper, chuckling) Good luck sleeping tonight!

The Golf War [2.03]

Stan: Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them.

Dipper: Pass.

[Meeting the Lilliputtians]

Mabel: Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud.

Dipper: Pst! Mabel! This is perfect! These guys control the course! Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win!

Mabel: I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating?

Dipper: Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life.

Mr. Northwest: Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything.

Mrs. Northwest: Oh, and looks. Winning and looks.

Pacifica: Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right?

Mr. Northwest: Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper.

(Pacifica gets out of the car)

Mr. Northwest: Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose.

(They drive away)

Pacifica: [to Sergei] How much you wanna bet they're no-shows?

[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]

Mabel: Looking for someone?

Pacifica: [sarcastic] Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all.

[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]

Mabel: Hey, I found two tacos! [eats one]

Pacifica: [astonished] You're allowed to eat in the car?

Mabel: Yeah! The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! [offers her the other taco] Want one?

Pacifica: Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts.

Mabel: "Handouts"? It's called sharing! You do know what sharing is, right?

Pacifica: "Sha... shahring"?

Mabel: Just take it.

Pacifica: Tell your servant I like his W-neck.

Soos: YES!

Sock Opera [2.04]

Mabel: Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt.

Bill: Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you! [takes his hat off, tilts the world sideways with Dipper before titling back again]

Dipper: You again!

Bill: Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me!

Dipper: Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind!

Bill: It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an EYE ON YOU since then, and I must say, I'm impressed!

Dipper: Really?

Bill: You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming!

[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]

Bill: [cackles] The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... favor in return.

Dipper: I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time!

Bill: [rises behind him] Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, [pretends to grab Dipper's brain] I'll be here for you, ready to make a deeaaal. [three slots appear spinning on his chest and stop to a pine tree symbol] Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? [waving his arms] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! [come to reality, Dipper wakes up]

Dipper: [waving his arms] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Bill: [in Dipper's body] Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. [slaps himself on the cheek] Whoo! [slaps the other cheek] Whoo! Haha! Pain is hilarious!

Bill: [in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola] Human soda! I'm gonna drink it like a person! [pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]

Dipper: [as a ghost] I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you!

Bill: [in Dipper's body] But how can you stop me...[slowly turns his head towards him] if you don't exist? [cackles evilly]

Bill: [in Dipper's body] Hey, Soos! Wanna hear the exact time and date of your death?

Soos: [chuckles] Okay!

Mabel: He (Gabe) loves it! This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show?

Dipper: [as a sock puppet] Mabel! You want me to be a sock puppet forever?!

Mabel: [laughs] I'm sorry. It looks funny when you're mad.

[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]

Mabel: Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face!

Bill: [in Dipper's body] How's about you hand that book over?

Mabel: No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away!

Bill: Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses! Give me the book or your play is ruined!

[Mabel sighs and begins to hand it to him]

Bill: There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling?!

Mabel: [suddenly realizes] Dipper would.

Bill: Huh?

[Mabel yanks Bill off the catwalk, sending them both falling]

Bill: [in Dipper's worn-out body] What is this feeling?! My body is burning! I can't move these stupid noodle legsǃ Curse you, useless flesh-sticks! Body shutting down! Must... scratch... mosquito... bites!

[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]

Mabel: Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it! Cue applause!

[Instead, the audience boos them and leaves]

Mabel: Gabe! Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches!

Gabe: Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form! Let's go, my loves. [leaves, kissing his puppets]

Dipper: Did he just make out with his puppets?

Mabel: I might've dodged a bullet there.

Soos and the Real Girl [2.05]

[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]

Soos: Man, I can't wait for the year 2000.

[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (romaji for "spontaneous combustion")]

Soos: Ehh, start! [clicks; watches intro sequence with Japanese and English texts] "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. [a pink-haired schoolgirl appears]

Schoolgirl: Oh, hi there! My name is Giffany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? [options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]

Soos: I'm really feeling number two here. Click! [buzzes] Ah! I messed up!

Giffany: That's okay. Try again! [Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]

Soos: Wow, I'm learning! And games are making it fun!

Giffany: What would you like to talk about? [options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]

Soos: I'd rather just click your face. [clicks her face] Ngah... ngah!

Giffany: Ha ha. You are so funny!

Soos: Man, this game is amazing! I don't know why anyone abandoned it.

Giffany: And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend.

Soos: Boyfriend? Oh-hoh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive.

Giffany: Yes. Almost. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! [Soos chuckles; pan to show the unplugged cord to Soos's computer]

Soos: Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh.

Giffany: [appears at once on several TVs] That's not important! [appears on several more TVs] What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again! You and me can be together... [appears on all the TVs at once, her voice harsh and electronically distorted] FOREVER!!!

Stan: You don't understand, Wendy! This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction! But he won't sell it to me!

Wendy: This is literally too dumb for me to care about.

Little Gift Shop of Horrors [2.06]

Stan: [at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern] Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams! [the traveller backs away] Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise"!

[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]

Stan: Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier.

Stan: Movies are great! You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart... Forget that last part.

[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]

Cinnamon (in cartoon): You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart!

Shimmery Twinkleheart (in cartoon): No, you did it, Cinnamon!

Mabel: [with Twinkleheart] Because you believed in yourself!

[Stan and Soos groan]

Dipper: Everything about this is bad.

Stan: Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day.

Mabel: Ooooh, old people movies! Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat.

Society of the Blind Eye [2.07]

Younger McGucket: For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. (He holds up the memory erasing ray.) Test subject One: Fiddleford. (He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on) It worked! I can't recall a thing. (Static) I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! (Static, McGucket is more disheveled and nervous.) Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. (Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.) I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... (static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.) I saw something in the lake, something big! (static) My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? (static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:) Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! (which is Abtash for:) Bill Cipher! Triangle! (The tape ends.)

Blendin's Game [2.08]

Time Baby: Let the Globnar begin!

The Love God [2.09]

Teen 1: [seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"] I eat kids? But we're kids!

Teen 2: It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! [The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]

Charlie: Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us?

Charlie's Mother: Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will.

Northwest Mansion Mystery [2.10]

Preston: [Leans down threateningly; Dipper glares at him, unfazed] Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind?

Dipper: "My kind"? [Looks at Pacifica] I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain!

Pacifica: I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but--

[Preston rings the bell. Blushing, Pacifica steps back]

[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy and Grenda, into wooden statues]

Ghost of Archibald Corduroy: A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will BURN! [laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]

Pacifica: Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back!

Ghost of Archibald Corduroy: You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise!

[Preston, Priscilla and a butler appear from an underground hatch]

Preston: Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. [whispering] We'll eat the butler.

[Pacifica looks at Dipper's wooden statue, and reaches for the lever]

Preston You dare to disobey us?! [rings the bell; Pacifica shakes nervously, but still reaches for the lever] Dingally, dingally! Is this bell broken?!

Pacifica: [stamping angrily] Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it!

[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]

Tyler Cutebiker: Git it! Git it!

Ghost of Archibald Corduroy: [overjoyed] Yes! YES! It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. [restores the Manor and the guests to normal]

Marius von Fundshauser: Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you mein phone number?

Grenda: [happily] I don't have a phone! Write it on my FACE!

Mabel: Whoa! Go, Grenda.

Candy: I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid.

Mabel: What? I call co-bridesmaid.

Not What He Seems [2.11]

Agent Powers: Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges?

Stan: Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call?

[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]

Soos: Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy.

Stan: [via walkie-talkie] "Soos!!"

Soos: [touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker] Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation?

Stan: "Soos, pick up!!" [Soos picks up walkie-talkie]

Soos: Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food.

Stan: "Listen, I need something from you." [at police station] You know that vending machine in the gift shop? [via walkie-talkie] "I need you to guard it with your LIFE. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine."

[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]

Soos: Time for a repair guy... to become a repair man.

Drive-Thru Employee: [hands out a kids box] Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal?

Soos: Just put one in my mouth. [employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it] Let's do this.

Stan: [while Soos is tackling his boss] Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order!

Soos: Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids!

Stan: Soos, you idiot, let me go!

Dipper: Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!

Stan: Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?

Dipper: He's lying! Shut it down NOW!

Stan: Mabel, please!

Computer: Ten. Nine.

Mabel: [Looking away and lowering hand to the button, then looks at Stan] Grunkle Stan...

Computer: Six. Five.

Mabel: [Lifts hand] I trust you. [Lets go of the stand, floats up]

Dipper: MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-

Computer: One.

[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel all disappear in an explosion of light as each of them screams.] --- (A mysterious figure comes out of the portal. He places his six-fingered hand on the journal, picks it up and puts it in his jacket pocket.)

Dipper: W-who, is that??

Stan: The author of the Journals, my Brother.

"[Ford takes down his hood revealing his face]"

Mabel: Is this the part where one of us faints?

Soos: Oh, I am so on it, dude. [Faints]

A Tale of Two Stans [2.12]

Ford: Hehehehe! Wait up!

Stan: Heh! Yeah, you should keep up.

Ford: I...I can keep up! [Peeks through some boards] Whoa!

Stan: Neato!

Ford: Mysterious, boarded-up cave! It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms! Or Mesoamerican gold!

Stan: Uh, ladies first.

[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]

[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]

Stan: Ha ha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! [Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it] Cool. Splinters!

Ford: [Shines flashlight into the cave] Whoa, it's so creepy in here!

Stan: [Comes into the cave] Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place.

[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]

Stan and Ford: [Walk off, chanting:] Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!

Stanford: I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley.

Dipper: Stanley?

Mabel: But...your name is Stanford.

Stanford: [angry] Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head?!

Dipper: Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies! You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?

Mabel: And what happened between you and your brother?

Soos: I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.

Stan: Finally! After all these long years of waiting, you're actually here! Brother!

Ford: (Punches him in the face)

Stan: Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?!

Ford: This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal! Didn't you read my warnings?!

Stan: Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?

Ford: Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you DID THIRTY YEARS AGO?!

Stan: What I did? Why, you ungrateful... (Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him) Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're... family. (As Ford slams him to the ground) Ah!

Mabel: Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!

Ford: Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?

Soos: Heh heh. I get that a lot.

Stan: They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids.

Ford: I-I have a niece and nephew? (Shakes Mabel's hand) Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.

Mabel: Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal!

Ford: Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.

Dipper: I-I can't belive it... YOU'RE THE AUTHOR OF THE JOURNALS!

Ford: You've read my journals?

Dipper: I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I [Starts breathing heavily] OOOOOOHHH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. [Mabel comes over and pats him on the back] Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out!

[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]

Stanley: [in a commercial] I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises! Is this always happening to you? [gets splashed with juice] Then you need the shammy of the future! Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon! That's the Sham-Total! It's a total sham!

Stan: [voiceover] I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. [the pitchforks all fall apart] I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania!

Stanley: [in another commercial] Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off! The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes. [awkward pause]

Stan: [voiceover] It gave you rashes. [cut to a scene showing Stan being chased out of Pennsylvania by an angry mob of people with rashes]

Stanley: Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee.

Stanford: Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore.

Stanley: Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay?

Stanford: I have something to show you. Something you won't believe.

Stanley: Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. [standing in the portal room] There is nothing about this I understand.

Stanford: It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. [gives Stan the journal] I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? [Stan smiles] Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it!

Stanley: [angered] That's IT?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible?!

Stanford: Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against! What I've been through!

Stanley: No, no! You don't understand what I've been through! I've been to prison in three different countries! I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? I've got a mullet, Stanford! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods! Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself!

Stanford: [indignant and furious] I'm selfish? I'm selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that to me after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen!

Stanley: Well, listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine! I'll get rid of it for you! [he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3]

Ford: No! (Grabs the journal) You don't understand!

Stan: (Takes it back) You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it!

Ford: My research! (Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him) Stanley, give it back! (Pushes him onto some of the buttons)

Stan: You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that!

The portal turns on.

Stan: (Trying to pull the journal away from Ford) You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life!

Ford: You ruined your own life! (Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams and falls to the floor) Stanley! Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! Are you alr-

Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever. Stan follows him.

Stan: Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE 'EM. (Shoves Ford back into the portal light, and he starts getting sucked into it) Whoa, whoa, hey, what's going on? Hey, hey, Stanford-

Ford: Stanley! Stanley, help me!

Stan: Oh, no, what do I do?!!

Ford: Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! (Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal)

A flash of white engulfs everything. When it fades, Stan is lying on the floor.

Stan: Stanford?

Ford's glasses fall onto the floor.

Stan: (Runs to the portal) Stanford, come back! I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT! (Pounds on the side of the portal)

The portal turns off.

Stan: (Runs to the lever and tries to pull it to no avail) I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah, come on! STANFORD! (Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:) I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow.

Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons [2.13]

Dipper: Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him.

Dipper: Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today!

Mabel: Dogs! Dogs with hats!

Dipper No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: [holding up the boxed game] Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me?

Mabel: Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play?

Dipper The rules are simple. [opens game book; Mabel's enthusiasm fades as he reads] First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel.

Mabel: [happy again] And then we ride unicorns?

Dipper: Yes! [Mabel gasps happily] And no. [she frowns] First we make a graph. [holds up graph paper]

Mabel: Uuugh! This is like Homework: The Game!

Ford: My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and PLAY!

[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]

Ford: Ah! My ears! They're so pointy!

Dipper: There better be something protective under this tunic... [checks] OH, NO, THERE ISN'T!

Ford: The Impossibeast! Hey, I thought they banned this character!

Probabilitor: Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition!

Ford: Dipper, can I tell you something?

[Dipper nods]:

Ford: You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, (pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone) I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: (Holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it) an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand?

Dipper: Oh-uh, of course.

Ford: In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do.

Dipper: Goodnight, Great uncle Ford.

Ford: Goodnight, Dipper.

The Stanchurian Candidate [2.14]

Dipper: [reading from parchment] Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him, anointing him mayor. I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

Mabel: Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview?

Stan: I got my mouth, don't I?

Ford: Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to control someone else. Oh. Wait. Of course, yes. There is. [Shows Dipper a striped tie] A long time ago I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head. As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to.

Dipper: Thank you, Great Uncle Ford!

Ford: Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all.

Stan: Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?

Dipper: [to Mabel] Jump in! Jump in!

[Turns on the switch]:

Stan: [Under Mabel's control] Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! [Snaps his fingers] I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. [Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan] But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears.

Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos: YES WE STAN! YES WE STAN!

The Last Mabelcorn [2.15]

Wendy: Look, it's time we stop trying to be so perfect and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're women! And we take what we want!

Blue Unicorn: Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again?

Red Unicorn: That is messed up, man.

Mabel: Wait, "scam"?

Red Unicorn: Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music. [Horn lights up and plays music]

Blue Unicorn: Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone.

Celestabellebethabelle: [awkwardly] Guuuuys, shut uuuup!

Mabel: [angrily] All this time, All this time I thought I was a bad person. [crushes her notepad] But you're even worse than I am!

Ford: Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?!

Bill: Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart! Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party! Right, guys?

[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]

Ford: No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down!

Bill: A deal's a deal, Sixer! You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try! Cute, even!

Ford: To Bill it's just a game, but to us it would mean... THE END OF OUR WORLD!

Ford: You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel.

Mabel: Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative.

Stan: [runs past, grabbing a pile of gold] MONEY!

Roadside Attraction [2.16]

Stan: Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure.

Dipper: Hey. [points to his arm] We're both failures.

Darlene: You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey!

Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future [2.17]

[At the Gravity Falls High School]

Wendy: My dawgs! What up?

Mabel: Wendy, what are you doing here?

Wendy: Ugh, high school registration.

Mabel: Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"?

Wendy: More like "teen horror movie"! High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! [gestures towards two girls snarling at each other]

Thompson: [huddled against a wall] Can't do it! Can't do another year!

Robbie: My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! [punches a bulletin board]

Mabel: Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of musical...

Wendy: TV lied, man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again.

Mabel: Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. (holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation) Ford's apprentice? Seriously?!

Dipper: Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me.

Mabel: (starting to cry) Well, it's a horrible opportunity for me! I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?!

Dipper: Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work.

Mabel: I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever...

Dipper: But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends.

(Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying)

Dipper: Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back!

Bill: At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!

Weirdmageddon Part 1 [2.18]

[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]

Bill: All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets! For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill! But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity!

[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest in front of Deputy Durland, Sheriff Blubs and Mayor Tyler]

Bill: Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends: [as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky] 8 Ball! Kryptos! The being whose name must never be said! [it lands down] Haha, what the heck? It's Xanthar! Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! [all his friends start cackling out loud]

Mayor Tyler: Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here!

Lazy Susan: Yeah! Things with one eye are weird!

Grenda: We don't like out-of-towners!

Manly Dan: [ripping a mailbox in half] AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

Mr. Northwest: I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Pacifica: [angrily] Dad!

Mr. Northwest: Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking.

Bill: [sarcastic] Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face?!

[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles]

Bill: This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, TO WEIRDMAGEDDON!!!

Ford: So this is how the world ends. Not with a bang but with a... [twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion] "boop-boop!"

[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]

Bill: [cackles] Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2.

[Pounding is heard]

Voice: Open up! This is the police. Time Police!

Bill: Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking.

[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]

Lolph: Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer.

Blendin: My body is a temple! How dare you!

Time Baby: Hear this, Cipher.

Bill: Ugh, Time Baby.

Time Baby: If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum.

Bill: [sarcastic] Oh no, a tantrum! Whatever will I do about that? HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?! BOOM!!!

[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]

Kryptos: Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! [they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]

Blendin: Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! (Uses his time tape and disappears)

Weirdmageddon 2: Escape from Reality [2.19]

Bill: Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces...

Creature: Eighty-eight different faces!!

Bill: Whoa-ho, sorry! Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony! Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably.

Lazy Susan: [groans, unfreezes] Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces.

Bill: Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. [pats her back, she turns back into stone] But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! [the creatures fly out of the pyramid] Ah, global domination. I could get used to- [the creatures slam into the forcefield] WHAT?! [flies out and touches the forcefield] Hmm. This might be more complicated than I thought.

Paci-Fire: I think I broke something.

Bill: WALK IT OFF!!

Dipper: [pants] Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real world!!

[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]

Dipper: Hey!

Waffle Guard: Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. [people mutter indistinctly] Prepare to be banished from this land forever! [open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]

Dipper: Mabel!! You're smarter than this!! Bill has you hypnotized or something!! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?!

Mabel: No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way.

Waffle Guard: Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. [is bitten by Soos] Hey! Seriously?!

Soos: [pointing to a stuffed rhino] It was him.

Dipper: Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever!

Dippy Fresh: Hey, take a chill pill! Those grow on trees here!

Dipper: [angry] You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh!

Soos: Dude calm down, Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog!

Dipper: Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you.

Dipper: Mabel, I thought you were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've traveled to Heck and back to get you and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together.

[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]

Xyler: Whoa! We survived! [they stand up, Craz spits confetti]

Craz: But where are we? [they walk to a bench and sit down]

Xyler: Are we real? Is this reality? [they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction] Jean-Paul Sartre postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance.

Craz: Totally righteous, bro!

Xyler: I know!

Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back the Falls [2.20]

Larry King's Head: Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums.

Stan: Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes.

Jeff the Gnome: Hey! I'm short, not deaf!

Stan: Shh, shh! Stress will make you chewy!

Soos: Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords.

McGucket: What's an anime?

Soos: We have much to discuss.

Stan: Discuss nothing! These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash! Excuse my French.

French Lilliputian: Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir! [Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]

[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]

Soos: [through a microphone] Uh, hey, dudes! Is this thing on? Test! [feedback screeches, annoying the demons] Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. [pointing at Paci-Fire] Hey, you're a little cutie.

Paci-Fire: [darkly] I have butchered millions on countless moons.

Soos: Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy.

[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]

Bill: AAAARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?!

Bill: When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna disassemble your molecules!

Stan: Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! [drops down] Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup.

Ford: [sighs] Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. [drinks from "water" flask]

Stan: How did things get so messed up between us?

Ford: We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it?

Stan: Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. [Ford stands up] Whoa, where are you going?

Ford: I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free.

Stan: What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?!

Ford: Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind.

Stan: [beat] What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything.

Ford: [chuckles] There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids.

Stan: Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal?

Ford: What other choice do we have?

Bill: [holding on to terrified twins] TIME'S UP, FORDǃ I'VE GOT THE KIDSǃ I THINK I'M GONNA KILL ONE OF THEM RIGHT NOW, JUST FOR THE HECK OF ITǃ EENY...MEENY...MINEY... [eye seem to settle on Mabel] YOU!!! ["Ford" interrupts him]

Bill: Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi-- [opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]

Stan: [Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]

Bill: WHAT?!

Stan: Heh-heh! Do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart! Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it.

[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and reluctantly aims it at Stan]

Bill: What?! The deal's off! [turns to leave, but the door slams shut and blue flames begin to fill the room] What the--?! No, no, no, NO!

Stan: Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh?

Bill: [panicked] Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?!

Stan: [shrugging] Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway.

Bill: Let me outta here! Let me OUT! [tries to use his powers, to no avail] Why isn't this working?!

Stan: Hey, look at me. [angrily] Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon! You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family!

Bill: You're making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! Please! No...! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME...?! [begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:] A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN! STANLEEEEY...!!! [Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]

Stan: [before being engulfed by the flames, he fondly looks at a picture of him with Dipper, Mabel and Waddles] Heh. Guess I was good for something after all.

[last lines of the series]

Dipper: [voiceover] If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting.